Show 3: "Light Entertainment War"  Rehearsal Script - Typed: 04/08/74 Show Recorded: 26/10/74 TX: 14/11/74

b) A break from the rehearsal scripts here to paste in old rants. As has been previously reported in angry voices by us, the version of this show as originally released on video in America by Paramount, and later (worldwide?) by BMG video was an edited version with several sequences removed (for a repeat showing in May 1976 according to Pixley). The sequences in question were also not present in the Just The Words scriptbooks, suggesting that the Python camp had either completely forgotten the original full-length version existed or had just accepted the edited version as 'official'.

Then, in 1998, that appalling Best Of Monty Python box set was released which seemingly utilised alternate mastertapes to previous releases - including, (as mentioned earlier) a faulty version of 'Biggles Dictates A Letter', a stupidly censored 'Summarised Proust' and two sections from 'L.E. War' which had previously been issued with cuts.

First of all, the two pepperpots ("Bloody repeats") have an extra bit of dialogue, following the revelation that "the public are idiots" and they may as well put on the last five miles of the M2. There are overtones of Mrs Zambesi's new brain, following the "At last, they've done been put on somethin' interesting"/"Oh, most interesting" exchange:

(NB: The following are our original transcripts rather than rehearsal script quotes - the text was much the same however.)

	MRS MOCK TUDOR (CHAPMAN) They certainly ought to s'ow shummin' what, like, which what we are about to...I'm sorry I got lost in that sentence, Mrs Elizabeth III. Could you help me out? MRS ELIZABETH III (JONES) Oh, certainly. How far had you got? MRS MOCK TUDOR (Correcting her) How far had I become. MRS ELIZABETH III Oh, of course - so sorry. 'Ow far 'ad you become? (To herself) What? Hello! MRS MOCK TUDOR Hello? MRS ELIZABETH III 'Ow far? MRS MOCK TUDOR 'Ow far what? MRS ELIZABETH III What? MRS MOCK TUDOR Let's just watch the motorway. MRS ELIZABETH III Yes, let's... MRS MOCK TUDOR I think that was the gist of what I was just about to be done being saying-ed, I was... MRS ELIZABETH III Oh don't start again dear, please. CUT TO PROGRAMME PLANNERS CONFERENCE Monty Python - Series 4, Show 3 (14/11/74)

The section gets very little laughter and both Jones and Chapman look on the point of losing it a bit. Even more exciting, to those who'd never seen it before, was this huge chunk, cut from the programme planners conference. It follows Gilliam's entry as the security guard in a wheelchair and Palin's triumphant "Well you're not allowed to suggest programme ideas!". The drunken Chapman misunderstands:

	THIRD PLANNER (CHAPMAN) I am! I've been in light entertainment, L.E., for the last twenty five tits... years. And I'm fed up with pusillanimous, chocolate pompous asses like you...who just do not, doughnut, jam in the middle... (DRIFTS OFF, PALIN CLEARLY CORPSING) SECURITY MAN (GILLIAM) There's terrible trouble in studio five, sir! CHIEF EXECUTIVE (JONES) (TO FIRST PLANNER) Never did like cripples. Too damn disturbing, eh? FIRST PLANNER (IDLE) Good television though. CHIEF EXECUTIVE Really? THIRD PLANNER (HEAD ON TABLE) Chocky fudge, chocky fudge... SECOND PLANNER (PALIN) My auntie had a budgie. Funny little chap, what was his name now? Phylemon... THIRD PLANNER Chocolate... SECOND PLANNER Aristotle, er...Crippin...Cripple, Cripple, that's it. Half a beak, no wings. Funny little chap, but he died of course - she trod on him. Terrible noise. He went (MAKES LOUD SHRIEKING NOISE) FIRST PLANNER What? SECOND PLANNER No, (REPEATS THE SHRIEK) FIRST PLANNER Blind people are the worst, tapping you on the legs with their sticks. Not very funny. SECURITY MAN It's the world war, sir! CHIEF EXECUTIVE No, no, no - cripples are worse. Those damn wheelchairs. They only do it to attract attention, you know. Hang-dog expressions (MAKES HANG-DOG EXPRESSION) ...ugh, ugh, ugh! FIRST PLANNER Mind you, I should know - the wife's in an iron lung. SECOND PLANNER (TRIUMPHANT AGAIN) 'I Married An Iron Lung'! FIRST PLANNER No, I married an iron lung. CHIEF EXECUTIVE 'And Mother Makes Iron Lungs'! THIRD PLANNER (ALMOST COMATOSE) 'Doctor At Iron Lungs'. Monty Python - Series 4, Show 3 (14/11/74)

It's then that Gilliam says "It's the world war series in studio five - they're not taking it seriously any more". So there we have it. It's the Monty Python team satirising public perception of the disabled. Like they gave a fuck. Bloody great!

So what's the problem, you may ask. Bit of unreleased Python - that's what you've been advocating for the past 750 pages. Fair enough, but it's the lack of information on the subject that irritates us. Nobody really knows the score as to what's survived. It's probably safe to say that few of the Pythons would actually know the transmitted versions of their work if they were strapped to a great big BMG video of it. No reason why they should of course, but they could at least hire somebody who cares about the material enough to make sure that tapes are checked properly for extras like the stuff on the boxed sets. If that stuff exists who knows what else there might be?

Whether or not the Pythons even realised that the box set contained longer edits is a matter of debate. The sketches in question aren't generally considered as 'pleb-pleasers' so it's probable that the compilers chose them especially for their extra bits. On the other hand such a discovery would usually result in a great fat blurb across the front of the box which announces 'Contains Extra Spammy Parrots' or something equally dire.

It is possible of course that this was the intention but that the Pythons had some say over such PR twattery, if only not to raise the hopes of those sections of the audience who might not be over-familiar with the previously released edits of the sketches anyway - as would be the case with most British fans who, throughout the early 90s couldn't stomach wading through badly-converted NTSC copies of 'Mr Neutron's Balloonish Bicycle Tour' (and other such awful titles) to collect together those elusive 1974 shows.

Anyway... A third short section was also cut from 'L.E. War' in 1976. This was only revealed when the Paramount Comedy channel (who are evidently using the same mastertapes as those used to compile the box sets) broadcast the show in its entirety - possibly the first time this has been aired publicly since 1974. The section takes place between the end of the "Anything Goes" 'Court Martial' sketch and the 'War Film Trailer' and features two German soldiers in their headquarters, watching the courtroom scene on a TV set. In front of them is a military operations map, but with spiders/men in halos on it etc.

	SOLDIER 1 (ENGLISH ACCENT) It seems to be working. CAPTION: "EET ZEEMS TO BE VERKING" Monty Python - Series 4, Show 3 (14/11/74)

In the original script a German version of Neil Innes' 'When Does a Dream Begin?' plays on the radio. They then come out of character and do the "That went quite well?" thing, a la the General earlier on.

The longer edit also has a looser link between the 'Lovely Day' animation and the 'Woody & Tinny Words' sketch. And the latter features an extra exchange where Chapman's "What's urrp?" is misunderstood by Palin's 'banter' airman. "What's up!", Chapman corrects himself.

c) A different song to 'Anything Goes' appears in the script during the repeat of the courtroom scene, when the programme planners watch it on the monitor:

	Ho ho! We're always dressing up In very silly clothes We sometimes hold out carrots Or a big false nose Monty Python - Series 4, Show 3 (14/11/74)

So there.

d) The complete 'M2' credits - only half of which was visible on the Pepperpots' TV screen and only one or two actually spoken by Idle's announcer (at least on the shorter edit) before they change channels - run as follows:

	CAPTION: Appearing on the M2 were: 4,281 Vauxhall Vivas 2,117 Vauxhall Vivas de luxe 153 Vauxhall Vivas with heated rear window and optional chrome wheeltrim 4 Vauxhall Vivas with heated steering wheel and roof gardens 1 Vauxhall Viva with real simulated fur accelerator cover, real artificial Moroccan lambsbladder dipstick cosy, woof-woof noddy, carburettor, a Debbie Reynolds personally-autographed mock-plastic road tax licence holder inserter, and fake real giraffe's penis-skin spare radiator grill muffler 394 Scammel 15-ton heavy-duty articulated lorries 124 Scammel 15-ton articulated lorries with Debbie Reynolds personally-autographed mock-plastic clip-on denture holders 12,1940 Buggatti Specials (1903) Monty Python - Series 4, Show 3 (14/11/74)

The original, longer, edit features Idle's voiceover announcing a few more of the above than the later, more familiar, version. You can just about hear him announce "...clip on denture holders" before an extra bit of channel surfing - with the Pepperpots tuning into the Python opening titles. And it's after this that they eventually tune in and watch themselves from earlier in the show.

e) An brief extended bit from the newsreader Peter Woods at the end of the show, probably recorded and then cut:

	PETER WOODS We interrupt show jumping to bring you a news flash. The Second World War has now entered a sentimental stage. The morning on the Ardennes Front, the Germans started spooning at dawn, but the British Fifth Army responded by gazing deep in their eyes, and the Germans are rumoured to have gone 'all coy'. And in North Africa, they just want to be together, sharing life's sorrows and joys, facing the future together, bound by bonds too strong to break. Monty Python - Series 4, Show 3 (14/11/74)

52   The rehearsal script for Series 4, Show 4:

	Show 4: "Hamlet"  Rehearsal Script - Typed: 13/08/74 Show Recorded: 02/11/74 TX: 21/11/74

NATIONWIDE
1. CAR
LEADER
2. COMP BLOW
3. WEST BRIDGE
4. PARK "ENGINES"
LEADER
5. EPSOM � CHAT + RACE
6. ANIMATION FRANK BOUGH
8. [sic]   "          "          "
AND

b) The first bogus psychiatrist (Chapman) tries to re-enter the surgery, insisting "I'm now qualified - I've just passed the test!"

c) A huge chunk was cut from the 'Father In Law' sketch. This is present in the rehearsal script and was definitely filmed:

	FATHER IN LAW (CHAPMAN) Oh dear, not as accurate as I thought. SON IN LAW (JONES) It's not the Cutty Sark! FATHER IN LAW Well it hasn't got its sails yet. Oh well I'll ... I'll have a look at it in the dark room in the morning. Good night. (GRUNTS FROM THE OTHERS WHO ARE ALREADY SNUGGLING DOWN) LIGHTS GO OFF SILENCE ABUTO Hello there, Mr Smith. FATHER IN LAW Prince Abuto! What are you doing here? ABUTO You said to drop in after Independence. FATHER IN LAW Well it's not my bed, old bag � I'm staying with my daughter and son in law. (TO SON IN LAW) This is Prince Abuto. SON IN LAW What?! ABUTO And this is the Princess. PRINCESS Hello, Mr Smith. How are the piles? FATHER IN LAW Fine. SON IN LAW What's happening? FATHER IN LAW This is Prince Abuto. ABUTO Hello there. FATHER IN LAW And the Princess. PRINCESS Hello. I hope we're not in the way. ABUTO And this is my minister for education, Mr N'Daga. MR N'DAGA Hello. ABUTO And Mr Hawkins, minister of the interior. ALEX And I'm just the chauffeur. Alex. SON IN LAW Alex? ALEX Aye. Alex Killbridie. PRINCESS He's the best chauffeur we've ever had. ABUTO When we got the Independence, I said we got to have the best chauffeur there was. DINGA I recommended him after meeting him in the swimming pool. ABUTO (TO DINGA) Hello Ken. You know Mr Smith? DINGA Sure do. How are the piles, Mr Smith? PRINCESS He's got an advanced driving test, you know. ABUTO The examiner at Godalming said he was the best candidate he's ever�oh, sorry miss. DAUGHTER It's alright. ABUTO Yes�here's the certificate (SOUND OF CRUMPLING). You see at the bottom there� FATHER IN LAW No, I can't see I'm afraid. ABUTO Down here. DAUGHTER Ooooh! MR N'DAGA In my country we call that a yam. ABUTO It says 'With credit', see. FATHER IN LAW Not quite. CHIEF OF POLICE Oh, Mr Acumba! Mr Acumba! Come quick! (VARIOUS GRUNTS) ABUTO Dis is our chief of police. CHIEF OF POLICE Hello. FATHER IN LAW Hello. SON IN LAW Hello. DAUGHTER Hello. ABUTO What are you doing here? CHIEF OF POLICE There's been a risin', Mr Acumba. PRINCESS Ow! Dat's my foot. CHIEF OF POLICE Sorry! ABUTO Oh dear, oh dear. Is the army behind us? GENERAL Yes, de army is solid with you, sir. ABUTO Ah! General Ntazi! DAUGHTER Ow! CHIEF OF POLICE Sorry! SON IN LAW Move over. DAUGHTER I can't. ABUTO Is the army on stand by? GENERAL Yes sir, they're all here. ARMY (MANY VOICES): We're with you, Mr Acumba! We're with you! How are the piles? ABUTO Alright. BANGING ON WALL FROM NEXT DOOR ROOM MAN (GILLIAM) Shut up in there! For heaven's sake shut up!!! Monty Python - Series 4, Show 4 (21/11/74)

In the tx, instead of the quoted section of the sketch above we cut from the darkened room (after Father In Law switches off the light) straight to the opening titles. However the hubbub of conversation from the end of the deleted scene fades in over the last couple of bars of the sig tune and then we cut to Gilliam in the bed next door banging on the wall. What happens next just comes across as throwaway whimsy without reference to the deleted scene:

	HE WALKS TO SIDE WALL AND HANGS HIS CLUB ON A HOOK BENEATH AN OLD-FASHIONED ART NOUVEAU SIGN CLEARLY LABELLED 'THE BURLINGTON WALL BANGER'. HE GOES ACROSS TO BED AND GETS IN. IN BED ARE: A PARTY OF FOUR JAPANESE BUSINESSMEN IN SUITS WITH LAPEL BADGES, TWO LADY AMERICAN TOURISTS WITH RAIN HATS ON AND CELLOPHANE OVER THEIR HATS AND CAMERAS, THREE OTHER MOUSTACHED ENGLISH GENTLEMEN IN PYJAMAS, FOUR TOUR DE FRANCE RIDERS, THREE SWEDISH BUSINESSMEN AND WINSTON CHURCHILL (SEE SHOW 3) IT WILL HAVE TO BE A SPECIALLY-MADE BED, ABOUT TEN FEET WIDE. IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM ARE THREE TOUR DE FRANCE BICYCLES. ALL THE PEOPLE ARE WATCHING TV � A PERFORMANCE OF HAMLET � BUT WE DO NOT AT ONCE SEE IT, WE HEAR IT. ALL ON THE BED, SLIGHTLY TEAR-STAINED AND SAD AND EATING POPCORN AND CRISPS, UTTERLY ABSORBED� Monty Python - Series 4, Show 4 (21/11/74)

The edit on the scene is very tight for tx, quickly cutting away from the bed to join the 'Hamlet' sequence they're all watching on TV. Since part of the joke was surely that the 'Abuto' sequence was too elaborate or expensive (in terms of make-up and extras, etc) to be performed with the lights on - yet an equally elaborate set-up is used afterwards as a mere linking device - then this makes the trimming of the scene doubly ironic! The 'See Show 3' note refers to the scene in 'L.E. War' where Winston Churchill appears behind a door ("Get me the Prime Minister... Not that quickly!"). Presumably they used the same Churchill lookalike in both shows.

d) In 'A Room At Polonius' House' the housewife in Epsom who's pegging out washing on the line (including that enormous bra) is named in the rehearsal script as 'Mrs Specimen'.