The scripted version ends with reference to 'THE STIFFS BEING CARRIED OFF BY PEOPLE' but there's no mention of the presenter continuing to chat to the empty chairs.

[NOTE: Roger Last is also the name of the Assistant Floor Manager on Flying Circus.]

i) The shooting script features 'Wee Wee Winetasting'. Despite its almost legendary status among Python fanatics, the sketch (if it exists at all) has never been shown, nor has the text ever been officially published. Until comparatively recently the only clues as to its contents came from Cleese and Idle cloudily recalling the sketch for the documentary Life of Python, recorded in 1989:

	CLEESE Well there was this sketch, and all the other Pythons thought it was pretty funny, and I didn't think it was funny enough to justify what I thought was the slight tackiness involved and I remember that I found myself on the side of the establishment - Bill Cotton, I think he wanted to cut it - but the Pythons always, quite correctly, referred to me as being 'fuddy duddy' and a bit establishment and all that stuff, and I am! And proud of it! IDLE There was one very silly sketch which John always hated and collaborated with the BBC to cut I think, which was a thing Michael and I wrote about wine-tasting. And it was... (MIMES TASTING WINE) "Mmm, it's very (SNIFFS) smooth, it's flavourful, it's um.. it's er... it's probably a... suh... savie... is it a Soitue perhaps?" "No sir, it's wee wee!" "Ah, yes..." "Well try this." (MIMES AGAIN) "Mm, ah now this is obviously a much fuller, a fuller, rounder flavour, probably south side of the hill? Ummm, would it be a Médoc?" "No sir, that's wee wee too!" (GIGGLES) And it just went on relentlessly! And they cut that. Don't know why. It was... John found that totally distasteful. Which it is, but that's half the point of it. It's a silly, childish sketch, and that's the fun of it really. Life Of Python (US edit, 1990)

[NOTE: This sequence, along with other anecdotes and unseen footage (e.g., American students singing the praises of Hazel Pethig, and Michael Palin re-visiting the scene of the 'Fish Slapping Dance' at Teddington Lock), only appeared on the superior, American edit of Life Of Python (released on Paramount Video), and was cut from the BBC version in favour of a John Lloyd narration and somewhat useless interviews with Stephen Fry and Ben Elton.]

An American Python biog called The Non-Inflatable Monty Python TV Companion by Jim Yoakum (custodian of Graham Chapman's old writing desk) devotes a short chapter to the sketch, mainly requoting old incorrect sources and aggravating the mystery by suggesting that confusion reigns within the Python camp over whether it was actually ever filmed at all (it was); that Chapman claimed to have had a hand in writing it (he hadn't); that David Sherlock (Chapman's partner) claims to have once seen a video copy of it (possible - if he sat in on the editing sessions), and finally quoting a somewhat historically embellished punchline': "That one tasted like shit!" / "Ah! I see you're developing a keener palate!" which Chapman often performed solo on lecture tours.

Well, here it is, as originally written, following on straight from 'Is There...':

	BIG CLOSE-UP OF AN ANNOUNCER ANNOUNCER (PALIN) That was the third in a series of programmes in which we examine our moral beliefs. Later this evening... (REACTS TO A NOISE) ...ooh, I'd better go, someone's coming. HE CLIMBS INTO A BARREL BESIDE HIM AND LOWERS THE LID DOWN. PULL OUT TO REVEAL THAT THE BARREL IS ONE OF A ROW OF BARRELS IN THE CHATEAUX CELLARS OF A FRENCHMAN, M. Hounslow West, WALKS ALONG WITH AN ARISTOCRATIC ENGLISH WINE MERCHANT, Mr West Ruislip for Ickenham. M. Hounslow West taps a barrel and gives a glass to Mr West Ruislip for Ickenham M. HOUNSLOW WEST (IDLE) How about this, sir? MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM (JONES) (TASTING ELABORATELY) Mmm... it's a slightly flinty breed... sharp and resolute, with a terse smokiness in the aftertaste... is it a Pouilly Fume... ? M. HOUNSLOW WEST No, it's wee-wee. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM Ah yes! M. HOUNSLOW WEST (MOVING TO ANOTHER BARREL AND TAPPING IT) Try this one, M'sieur... MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM (TASTING ELABORATELY AGAIN) Mmm... now... I must be careful here... this is very vigorous... again lively, neat and sharp... oh but what a finish... yes... I think I know this one... yes... is it a Moselle? M. HOUNSLOW WEST No, sir... it's wee-wee again. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM Oh dear... you got me again. M. HOUNSLOW WEST OFFERS HIM ANOTHER GLASS FROM A DIFFERENT BARREL. M. HOUNSLOW WEST One more here, sir. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM TASTES IT. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM Ah... ah yes... yes... no mistaking this, this definitely is... er... wee-wee, isn't it? M. HOUNSLOW WEST Yes it's wee-wee again. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM Well, I've got a lot to learn... M. HOUNSLOW WEST It has taken me many years to lay down these silly things. It is my life's work... this and baby-sitting. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM Baby-sitting? M. HOUNSLOW WEST Yes, sir, I love it. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM Well my wife and I are going out on Thursday to see Oldham Athletic at the Talk Of The Town, could you help us out? M. HOUNSLOW WEST Certainly sir... I'll be round about 7.30. MR WEST RUISLIP FOR ICKENHAM Lovely... then I'll try to get hold of a baby. THEY WALK OFF CHATTING. WE STAY ON THE BARRELS. A LID OPENS AND THE ANNOUNCER, SODDEN WITH WHATEVER WAS IN THE BARREL, LOOKS OUT FURTIVELY ANNOUNCER The next sketch follows after some silly noises. HE DUCKS BACK IN THE BARREL. CUT TO BLACK. HALF A MINUTE OF VERY SILLY NOISES. GILLIAM SHOULD BE CONSULTED HERE AS HE CAN MAKE MORE SILLY NOISES THAN ANYONE I KNOW, APART FROM MY MOTHER. ANYWAY, THESE SILLY NOISES GRADUALLY RESOLVE INTO CHURCH BELLS PEELING [sic] AND STILL OF A PARISH CHURCH IS FADED IN. CUT TO: A VESTRY WHICH IS ALSO A VICAR'S STUDY A DESK, SOME BOOKS ETC. A SIGN READS 'NO PAPISTS.' THE DOOR OPENS AND THE VICAR (MIKE PALIN) ENTERS AS IF FROM THE END OF A SERVICE. HE TAKES OFF HIS CASSOCK. AT ONE SIDE OF THE SET IS A SCULPTURE ON A PLINTH, IT IS THE VICAR'S HEAD, BUT WITH AN ENORMOUSLY LONG NOSE Monty Python's Flying Circus - Series 3, Show 10 (21/12/72)

Once again, if you know the show in question you'll know that the shot of Palin's announcer was retained in the show despite the sketch itself being missing. And you also now know that the fluid he spits out of his mouth before making the announcement is supposed to be Eric Idle's piss.

j) The scripted dialogue in 'Sherry Drinking Vicar' has Mr Kirkham (Chapman) reveal that he's "begun to doubt whether there can ever be a life beyond..." (before being interrupted by the entrance of the man from the British Sherry Corporation (Idle). The tx dialogue is a bit rougher, so this obvious back-reference to 'Is There...' doesn't come across. The ending of the sketch was also planned slightly differently. (The Just The Words edit of the stage directions and song is extremely brief so we'll quote the whole thing here):

	SUDDENLY THE DOOR FLIES OPEN AND THE FRED TOMLINSONS DRESSED IN MANTILLAS DANCE IN SINGING Amontillado... Amontillado Amontillado... hey, hey, hey Amontillado THEY FORM TWO LINES AND INDICATE THE DOOR. THE MAYOR OF JEREY ENTERS WITH TWO GIRLS WITH GARLANDS. BEHIND HIM THEY SING MAYOR ET. AL From the Golden Land of Spain We come to honour you... A GIRL COMES FORWARD AND SLIPS A GARLAND OVER VICAR'S HEAD. from a thousand miles away We salute you ANOTHER GIRL PUTS GARLAND OVER VICAR You make us all happy in Spain Reverend Tomlinson... olé. THEY STRIKE TRIUMPHANT POSE (* SONG TO BE DISCUSSED WITH FRED) THE MAYOR SUDDENLY SNAPS INTO BUSINESS LIKE MANNER, AND WE REALISE THAT HE IS THE SAME SPANIARD WHOM GASKELL MET ON THE BEACH. MAYOR (JONES) What d'you want today then..? VICAR (PALIN) Well I'd like a dozen of those ones with the three ladies in... MAYOR Yes, they're very popular. FROM UNDER THEIR MANTILLAS, THE FRED TOMS PRODUCE BUNDLES OF PORN. THE MAYOR STARTS TO PILE THEM ON THE VICAR'S DESK. N.B. THE COSTUMES NEED TO BE BIG ENOUGH TO CONCEAL THE BUNDLES OF MAGS. VICAR And two dozen of the Danish assorted... and I'd like to trade these in. VICAR PRODUCES A WHOLE PILE FROM BEHIND HIS DESK FADE TO BLACK CREDITS ARE RUN OVER SOUNDS OF NAUGHTINESS Monty Python's Flying Circus - Series 3, Show 10 (21/12/72)

The tx has a sharper and funnier end-dialogue: "What did you want?" / "Dirty books please...". No fade to black, and the credits (which contain yet more comedy porn refs, attributed to the cast and crew), run over the general hubbub of the end of the sketch and a still shot of the bookshop wall.

k) No announcement about "'E. Henry Thripshaw" T-shirts appears in the script as, like the sketch it refers to, it was intended for, and dropped in from, Show 13.

44.   A brief look at the shooting script for Series 3, Show 11 (04/01/73):

	Monty Python's Flying Circus  Series 3, Show 11 Shooting script - typed 16/02/72 Show Recorded: 17/04/72 TX: 04/01/73

b) In the 'What Do The Stars Fortell?' sketch, it is Roger Last's hand who emerges from the safe. (Wonder if it's him proffering the glass of water in D�j� Vu?)

c) A script-note referring to the ballroom set for 'Dennis Moore': 'OBVIOUSLY WE CAN ONLY AFFORD A CORNER'

d) A note for costume designer Hazel Pethig re: the Pantomime Goose in 'Ideal Loon Exhibition'; 'A PANTOMIME GOOSE ON HORSE BACK � BETTER GET A REAL RIDER, THE PANTO GOOSE HAS A RCMP. HAT ON, PERHAPS A COUPLE OF ITEMS OF THEIR COSTUME (HAZE)'

e) The 'Poetry/Off Licence' sketch was originally to be post-credits, following the 'No cheques' joke.

45.   For its first transmission (11/01/73), Series 3, Show 12 began with 'Choreographed Party Political Broadcast', a pre-titles sequence featuring MPs delivering policy statements and the like as part of a dance routine. This was followed by some animation of Wilson and Heath doing 'The Dance Of The Sugar Plum Fairy'.

The item was originally planned (and recorded) as the final sketch in Series 3, Show 13 and would have appeared at the end of that show - after the end of the awkward Dickie Attenborough payoff, and an 'E Henry Thripshaw' T-shirt announcement. It isn't known why the sketch was relocated to the start of Show 12.

Some viewers remember the scene from its original transmission (plus it was alluded to in press reviews at the time). Latter-day fans finally got to read the script as it was published in Just The Words, but the actual sketch has disappeared from repeats and videotapes. The show simply begins with the animated titles.

A related mystery surrounds an 'alternate' beginning - several viewers (particularly American Python fans) distinctly recall the show starting with a series of captions:

	CAPTION: TONIGHT WE START THE SHOW STRAIGHT AWAY WITH THE OPENING TITLES CAPTION: NO YOU DIDN'T - YOU STARTED WITH THAT CAPTION CAPTION: AH YES. Monty Python's Flying Circus - Series 3, Show 12 (11/01/73)

The latter has not featured on any video release or recent repeat-showings either. Pixley includes the sequence in his cut-before-transmission list.

The official PasB (Programme as broadcast) sheets for the various transmissions of the show throw up a few alternate theories however, quoting as they do the following timings:

11/01/73 (original tx): 28'31
10/03/74 (repeat tx): 26'31
05/02/79 (repeat tx): 26'25

Now it gets interesting. The PasB sheets quote the opening lines of a show for basic reference purposes. The 1973 sheet quotes the first line of 'Choreographed...'. The 1974 repeat quotes the Captions joke. The 1979 sheet quotes neither (presumably accounting for the 6-second discrepancy above).

So... let's read between the lines a little and try to nail this. This is our theory, that it is:

The 'this show will start immediately' caption joke was originally intended for the start of Show 12. It was however deleted from the show when it was decided that 'Choreographed...' would go in its place (they couldn't include both as the extra sketch would obviously render the captions joke defunct). But when 'Choreographed...' was cut for repeat in 1974, the captions were reinstated, either from then-still-extant rushes or by utilising an earlier edit.

At some point of course the BBC junked whichever master contained 'Choreographed...' but also somehow managed to retain and archive a version of the show which had neither beginning. Now, even given the usual 'cyuh, typical BBC' disdain reserved for the corporation's 70s archiving policy (or lack thereof) we really don't understand how this could have happened.

This theoretical version of events would of course explain why Pixley's research suggested that the captions joke was cut before transmission. It was. But they later stuck it back in again. This would also perhaps go some way to explaining why American viewers remember seeing the captions joke but not 'Choreographed...' - it was the 1974 edit of the show which BBC / Time Life sold overseas. And this would also perhaps explain why, unlike 'Undertaker' the sketch hasn't been salvaged from an American copy and reinstated. There isn't one.

Well, it's a theory. Take it or leave it.

NEW  We've received several emails from people discounting the last bit of that theory. Reproduced here are the two which probably explain the situation best. Firstly this from William Ham:

	From: "William Ham" Subject: lemon curd tartlet? Date: Sun, 26 Oct 2003 23:26:10 I have something to add, which may only confuse matters, but I consider it my solemn duty to impart. The "Choreographed Party Political Broadcast" sketch, which was evidently lost from Series 3, Episode 12, did - I repeat, did - make it to America. For a time, at least. I remember the sketch quite distinctly from one of the broadcasts of the show on PBS (the US Public Broadcasting System) in 1980, when the show was brought back for several months (and the fourth series shown intact for the first time) before disappearing from American screens for three years. (I was eleven at the time, and already an inveterate Pythonophile several years running, thank you very much - some of the more subtle philosophical references may have been lost on me at the time, but anything where John Cleese contorted or performed some kind of odd gait was deeply prized by me, which is why the sketch sticks out in the memory so bulbously.) When the show was brought back to the States in 1983, I watched (and taped) every episode religiously, and I recall being somewhat nonplussed that a sketch I clearly recalled seeing never made it to the reruns (if it weren't for Roger Wilmut's script books, I could have been convinced that I imagined the whole thing). The episode 312 in the 'eighties rebroadcasts indeed began with the "captions" joke, though the cassette and DVD versions that came out later (and you mean to tell me that the Brits don't have a proper DVD collection of the entire series, but we do? Shame...) go straight to the opening animation. The strange thing is that the mid-80s rebroadcasts were, in most (if not all) cases repackaged (sometimes quite shoddily, as if they were second-generation dubs - lots of visual glitches abound, and the version of Series 2, Episode 13 that ran back then looked very poor indeed) straight from the Time/Life versions (you can faintly hear the music that accompanied the closing Time/Life logo from the seventies broadcasts behind the generic "Python (Monty) Pictures" copyright card at the end of many episodes). What this means, I'm not sure; all I do know is that at least one so-called "missing" sketch was, at least for a short while, not exactly missing at all. I sincerely hope this confounds the issue even further.

	From: David Morgan Date: Mon, 29 Mar 2004 08:59:55 EST Subject: Python's Conservative Choreography Hi, A note regarding the Conservative Choreography sketch, of which you wrote on SOTCAA: "This theoretical version of events would of course explain why Pixley's research suggested that the captions joke was cut before transmission. It was. But they later stuck it back in again. This would also perhaps go some way to explaining why American viewers remember seeing the captions joke but not 'Choreographed...' - it was the 1974 edit of the show which BBC / Time Life sold overseas. And this would also perhaps explain why, unlike 'Undertaker' the sketch hasn't been salvaged from an American copy and reinstated. There isn't one." The initial U.S. broadcasts of this Series III episode on PBS (Fall 1975, Spring 1976 in NYC) did contain the Choreography segment (I have an audio recording of it), just as they had the Satan Animation and "leprosy and terminal cancer" line from Conquistidor Coffee (which I also have on audio) in episode 24; later rebroadcasts on PBS in the early 1980s contained the "Captions" joke but not the other bits. Those shows contained the copyright notice for Python (Monty) Pictures and were likely the (edited) tapes they got from the BBC following the ABC lawsuit (when they won rights back for the shows). I am sifting through some 3/4 inch U-matic tapes from 1974-'80 that fell to me, some mislabelled ( ... But for now, not a word to the eskimos). Alas, no Satan animation or Conservative choreography has surfaced, but the alternate opening captions are there, as are "Dad's Pooves," both of which were strangely left off the A&E DVDs. David Morgan New York, NY [email protected]

[NOTE (1): Curiously the original camera script directions for 'Choreographed Party Political Broadcast' refer to Wilson and Heath 'DANCING THE TANGO' rather than the 'Sugar Plum Fairy', which begs the question what scripts or reference material was Wilmut working from when he edited Just The Words.]

[NOTE (2): A paste-up of the cartoon Wilson and Heath, the latter resplendent in a ballet dancers' tutu, appears in Terry Gilliam's book Animations Of Mortality (Methuen).]

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