FILM. CUT TO MODERN STREET EXT. MADDOX IS HUSTLING SIR PHILLIP AND WIFE ALONG STREET INTO POLICE VAN. VAN DRIVES OFF AND REVEALS A POSTER ON A BILLBOARD. "THE ALDWYCH THEATRE" THE ROYAL SHAKESPEARE COMPANY PRESENT: GAY BOYS IN BONDAGE BY WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE. WE ZOOM IN TO FILL SCREEN WITH POSTER AND ANIMATION TAKES OVER. TERRY LEADS HIMSELF INTO TITLES, IE NUDE ORGANIST. JOHN'S ANNOUNCER AND IT'S MAN ARE TO BE ON ANIMATION. AFTER TITLES CUT TO. STUDIO. SCULPTOR'S STUDIO FAIRLY ROOMY. AN ALDERMANIC FIGURE IS SITTING, POSING, IN A ROMAN EMPERIOR [sic] TYPE CHAIR, THAT IS TO SAY, WITH ARMS THAT ARE NOT VERY OBTRUSIVE AND WITH A FAIRLY LOW HORIZONTAL BACK, BOTH PROBABLY IN LEATHER. SCULPTING THIS ALDERMANIC FIGURE, ROBIN [JOHN CLEESE], IS A SCULPTOR [GRAY CHAPMAN]. SHE HAS ALMOST FINISHED A FULL LENGTH SCULPTURE OF ROBIN THAT IS VERY ACCURATE REPRESENTATIONALLY SPEAKING EXCEPT ONLY THAT THE NOSE OF THE SAME IS ABOUT TWO FEET LONG. WE START ON A CLOSE UP OF THE ALDERMANIC FIGURE AND PULL BACK TO REVEAL SCULPTOR CHIPPING FINELY AT THE SCULPTURE. SCULPTOR STANDS BACK AND COMPARES HIS WORK WITH ROBIN. HE IS NOT SATISFIED, FEELING THAT SOME SMALL ELEMENT IS SPOILING THE LIKENESS BUT HE CANNOT DECIDE WHERE HE HAS GONE WRONG. ROBIN BY NOW IS WATCHING THIS WITH SOME SUSPICION. SCULPTOR STANDS AND CONTINUES TO COMPARE HIS MODEL WITH HIS WORK. HE STEPS FORWARD AND KNOCKS A VERY TINY BIT OFF THE END OF THE NOSE, STEPS BACK AND SURVEYS AGAIN BUT IT IS STILL BY NO MEANS TO HIS SATISFACTION. BUT HE CANNOT PUT HIS FINGER ON THE FAULT. HE SCRATCHES HIS HEAD IN PUZZLEMENT. ROBIN HAS CLEARLY SPOTTED THE RELEVANT ARTISTIC PECCADILLO AND SO... ROBIN Could I just... SCULPTOR (BAD TEMPEREDLY LIKE JOHN IN THE MORNING) Ssssh! SCULPTOR PICKS UP A PAIR OF ENORMOUS CALLIPERS AND WALKS TO ROBIN. WITH THEM HE MEASURES THE WIDTH OF ROBIN'S FOREHEAD AND RETURNS TO HIS MODEL. COMPARING THE WIDTH OF THE MODEL HE FINDS IT DEAD RIGHT. ROBIN WISHES NOT TO SPEAK BUT DOES NOT. SCULPTOR HAS AN IDEA. HE RETURNS AND MEASURES THE LENGTH OF ROBIN'S NOSE. ROBIN IS RELIEVED. SCULPTOR RETURNS TO HIS WORK ALLOWING THE CAPPILERS [sic] TO SWING OPEN UNBEKNOWN TO HIM. AS A RESULT WHEN HE COMPARES THE LENGTH OF THE STATUE'S NOSE HE FINDS IT IS RIGHT. ROBIN IS VERY DISAPPOINTED. SCULPTOR VERY PUZZLED STARTS TO COMPARE AGAIN. ROBIN Can I just... SCULPTOR (BAD TEMPEREDLY) Please! ROBIN Sorry... look can I... SCULPTOR (THE INJURED ARTIST) Tch. (HE TURNS AWAY BREATHES HEAVILY) What! What! ROBIN Do you think it might be just a touch sort of perhaps I don't know a bit... longish... possibly. SCULPTOR Where? ROBIN Um... well conceivably I'm not quite sure... er... well... in... the nasal zone. SCULPTOR The what? ROBIN The nnnn... nnnn... nnose. SCULPTOR Are you trying to tell me my job? ROBIN Oh heaven forbid. But I can't help feeling... SCULPTOR What? ROBIN That the... nose is too long. SCULPTOR I see... do it yourself then. ROBIN What? SCULPTOR Come on, come on Mr Clever Dick Mayor do it yourself. Here's the chisel (GOING TO HIM AND GIVING IT TO HIM). ROBIN No no really I don't. SCULPTOR (PROPELLING HIM TOWARDS THE STATUE) Come on, you show me how to do it your worship. ROBIN No no I don't want... SCULPTOR Just show me. I want to know how to do it. Go on, go on. ROBIN (NOW FINDING HIMSELF BY THE STATUE AND TEMPTED TO SHORTEN THE NOSE) Well... SCULPTOR Oh ho ho! No we shall see. Get the expert in eh? Go on Mayor Rodin, it's all yours now. I'm just watching. I've only sculpted Brian Phelps and King Farouk's nephew and Mrs Sidney Green and Helen Shapiro's cousin and unimportant people that so what would I know. Huh. ROBIN Well... SCULPTOR Oh go on go on. This should be fascinating. IN ONE SWIFT CLEAN MOVEMENT ROBIN KNOCKS OFF THE RIGHT LENGTH OF NOSE AND STANDS BACK NERVOUSLY, THEN LOOKING SATISFIED. SCULPTOR (SARKY STILL) Oh that's much better. Oh yes that makes all the difference doesn't it? (THEN NOTICING THAT IT REALLY HAS) ...it is better isn't it? ROBIN Well I may not know much about art but I know what I'm like. SCULPTOR (ADMIRING THE STATUE) That really is very good. ROBIN Thank you. SCULPTOR Here... you do me. Gavin! SCULPTOR GOES AND SITS DOWN IN THE MODEL'S CHAIR. GAVIN (A SERVANT WHO HAS JUST ENTERED LEFT) PUSHES A BLOCK OF MARBLE IN FRONT OF ROBIN. SCULPTOR Ready? ROBIN No really I couldn't. SCULPTOR Come on, you have nothing to lose but your chain. ROBIN I don't know how to start. SCULPTOR It's quite simple. Just knock away the bits that don't look like me. SHERIFF (TERRY GILLIAM) WALKS THROUGH DOOR AND CROSSES ROOM AS R STARTS TENTATIVELY. SHERIFF Howdy folks. Mr Mayor. Everything peaceable round here? ROBIN Yes thank you Sheriff. HE EXITS. SCULPTOR IS LOOKING AFTER HIM, PUZZLED. ROBIN Face the front please. SCULPTOR DOES SO. WE CLOSE IN ON HIM AS BUZZING STARTS. HE LOOKS AROUND AND THEN MOVES HIS HEAD. ROBIN Don't move. SCULPTOR Sorry... BUZZING STOPS. CLOSE UP OF BEE ON SCULPTOR'S HEAD. THEN FROM A WIDER SHOT WE SEE A BEEKEEPER (ERIC IDLE) LOOKING ROUND THE DOOR CARRYING A HUGE NET. HIS EYES HAVE ALIGHTED ON THE BEE. AT THIS MOMENT ANOTHER BEEKEEPER (TERRY JONES) ALSO WITH A HUGE NET APPEARS AT THE DOOR OPPOSITE. THE BEEKEEPERS SEE EACH OTHER REGISTER INTENSE RIVALRY RUSH TO SCULPTOR AND BRING DOWN THE NET'S OVER HIS HEAD. WILD BUZZING CAN BE HEARD. BEEKEEPER 1 It's my bee. BEEKEEPER 2 It isn't. BEEKEEPER 1 It is. BEEKEEPER 2 It is not, it's mine. BEEKEEPER 1 All right if it's your bee describe it. BEEKEEPER 2 It's sort of furry with orange and brown stripes round its middle and it makes honey. BEEKEEPER 1 (MIMING ANTENNAE BUT NOT CLEOPATRA) Does it have long things like this. BEEKEEPER 2 Yes it does. BEEKEEPER 1 Does it have eight legs. BEEKEEPER 2 No it has six and its name is Darryl. BEEKEEPER 1 It is not, its name is Mick. BEEKEEPER 2 Mick? BEEKEEPER 1 Yes. BEEKEEPER 2 Mick Bee? BEEKEEPER 1 Yes. BEEKEEPER 2 How common. BEEKEEPER 1 You stinking snob. SCULPTOR Get on with it. BEEKEEPER 2 Sorry. BEEKEEPER 1 It's not common. Mick's a super name. It's got a crisp sort of outdoor flavour to it. BEEKEEPER 2 It has not. It's all phlegm and acne. BEEKEEPER 1 It bloody isn't. It's athletic and sun tanned... BEEKEEPER 2 Phlegm and acne. BEEKEEPER 1 It's better than Darryl. Pouffy old qu... SCULPTOR: Will you please get on with it, it's hot in here and the bee is upset. BEEKEEPER 2 Sorry. BEEKEEPER 1 It is Mick and it's mine. BEEKEEPER 2 Right. If it's Mick tell it to buzz twice. BEEKEEPER 1 Mick. (BEE BUZZES.) Buzz twice! (BUZZ...) BEEKEEPER 2 There, it only... (BUZZ.) BEEKEEPER 1 There. BEEKEEPER 2 No that doesn't count. It has to buzz twice like this. Buzz-buzz. Darryl... buzz twice. (BUZZ-BUZZ-BUZZ.) Stupid little bleeder. BEEKEEPER 1 Mick. (BUZZ.) Buzz twice... (BUZZ-BUZZ.) Not yet, listen to the whole question. (BUZZ.) Buzz twice if Carson City is the capital of Nebraska. (BUZZ BUZZ.) There. BEEKEEPER 2 It isn't. BEEKEEPER 1 It is. BEEKEEPER 2 It isn't. It's Omaha. Carson City is the capital of Nevada. BEEKEEPER 1 Oh. SCULPTOR: Will you get on with it! BEEKEEPER 2 I'm sorry about this inconvenience but the problem is outstandingly intractable. SCULPTOR What? BEEKEEPER 2 It needs the judgement of Solomon. SCULPTOR Well, ask him! BEEKEEPER 2 Mr Solomon. ENTER SOLOMON (MIKE PALIN) WITH TWO PHARISEES (FRANK LESTER AND PETER KODAK). SOLOMON Somebody called? BEEKEEPER 2 We need a judgement. SOLOMON 50p. BEEKEEPER 2 Done. BEEKEEPER 1 We can't decide whose bee this is. SOLOMON Hang about... oh yes... hem hem... well cut the bee in half and each mother can have a half. (LOOKS AT THEM EXPECTANTLY AND CRAFTILY.) BEEKEEPER 1 & BEEKEEPER 2 That's fine by me. ENTER EXECUTIONER (GRAHAM SKIDMORE) AND PRIEST (JOHN BEARDMORE). EXECUTIONER TAKES BEE AND PLACES IT ON BLOCK. PRIEST HOVERS MUTTERING. EXECUTIONER BRINGS DOWN AXE ON BLOCK WITH MUCH FORCE. BEEKEEPER 1 AND BEEKEEPER 2 SHAKE HANDS. EXECUTIONER HOLDS UP BEE'S TWO HALVES. ALL Half a bee!! SINGALONG SET [FIVE] TOMLINSON SINGERS. BEHIND THEM HALF-BEE ON THE FLAT OR BACKCLOTH (IN FACT, A BLUE CSO BACKGROUND). 4-BAR INTRO. WIDE OPEN SPACES. ALL Half a bee, half a bee GEOFF As we roam the range so free. ALL Half a bee, half a bee. GEOFF Won't you ride along with me. ALL Giddyap. (CHANGE CSO OVERLAY AS THEY TURN. 2 BAR LINK. CALYPSO. MIKE (+ BACKING) Oh I went down to de market place To buy me half a bee ALL Half a bee, man! (CHANGE CSO OVERLAY) AS THEY TURN. 2 BAR LINK. SOFT SHOE (SHUFFLE) ALL Half a bee Just half a bee (CHANGE CSO OVERLAY AS THEY TURN. 2 BAR LINK. BAGPIPE NOISES. CAREY (+ BACKING) D'ye ken the hushtie whishley Or the auchtie cromak scree A rustlin' boot the hishley ALL Aw hoots mon! Hoff a bee. (CHANGE CSO OVERLAY AS) 4 BOYS START DOING SMOOCHY WALTZ. MARK (SPOKEN - OOING CONTINUES) The day you walked away Half a bee dropped out of my world An entire bee Means less to me Than the half bee you took from me Hurry home And bring the other half bee With you. (CHANGE CSO OVERLAY.) 4 BAR LINK. 6/8 MARCH. BOB Marching along ALL With half a bee BOB Singing a song ALL With half a bee. BOB Steady and strong Where we belong Joining the throng ALL With half a bee We never go wrong We never go wrong We're marching along We're marching along CAPTION (WORDING UNKNOWN) ON OVERLAY. ALL With half a bee... CUT TO PUB SIGN. THE FOX AND HALF-A-BEE. FAIRLY PLUSH COCKTAIL TYPE BAR CHEERFUL BARMAN (GRAY CHAPMAN) AT WORK. THREE CITY TYPE GENTS APPROACH BAR.) CITY GENT 1(CLEESE) So he switched into tin, moved his lead assets into copper got the rest of the family into vanadium, except for a half-sister who was obsessed with zinc, financed the coup, sold the bodies, made a quick turn and got into Angel cakes. CITY GENT 2 (JONES) Which is where he went wrong. CITY GENT 3 (PALIN) Exactly. CITY GENT 2 When's the funeral? CITY GENT 1 He hasn't killed himself yet. CITY GENT 2 He hasn't? CITY GENT 1 No he's waiting till April 5th. CITY GENT 3 Some sort of tax dodge. BARMAN Good evening sir. (ALL TOGETHER) CITY GENT 1 Good evening Tom. CITY GENT 2 Good evening Harry. CITY GENT 3 Good evening Jim. BARMAN What's it to be sir? CITY GENT 1 (TO CITY GENT 2) Mark? CITY GENT 2 One of your specials Harry. CITY GENT 1 One special Tom. BARMAN Certainly sir. (POURS OUT COCKTAIL STANDING BY.) Twist of Lemming sir? CITY GENT 2 Please Harry. BARMAN (SQUEEZING LEMMING'S NECK INTO GLASS IT SQUEAKS) Bit more sir? CITY GENT 2 Just a drop. BARMAN (SQUEEZING LEMMING AGAIN, ANOTHER SQUEAL. HE THROWS IT IN BIN.) There you are sir. CITY GENT 1 (TO CITY GENT 3) Alex? CITY GENT 3 Mallard Fizz, please Jim. CITY GENT 2 Heard about old Guy Barclay? CITY GENT 3 What? CITY GENT 2 Gawn into cork. Was in tinsel, switched via wood preservatives into entrails, financed the coup, took up his option on the bodies, cornered the market. CITY GENT 1 Good luck to him. DURING THIS TIME THE BARMAN HAS TAKEN THE COCKTAIL SHAKER, PUT INTO IT ANGOSTURA AND VODKA THEN TAKEN A MALLARD, TRIED IT FOR SIZE, TAKEN A CLEAVER, CLEAVES IT IN TWAIN AND PUTS HEAD IN SHAKER, FOLLOWED BY AN EGG AND TABASCO SAUCE. HE SHAKES IT FRANTICALLY. CITY GENT 2 Smart fellow. Thought he'd do well, nice close [sic] eyes and virtually no ear lobes and a bank balance as big as your foot. CITY GENT 3 Got funny elbows too - bend the wrong way. CITY GENT 1 Really. CITY GENT 3 Had two years in the army, every time he saluted people he fainted. Don't wait for me Mark. CITY GENT 2 Oh thanks, cheers. (PUTS IT BACK IN ONE. GOES PALE.) Excuse me. (RUNS OFF TO VOMIT.) (BY NOW, CITY GENT 3 IS GETTING HIS MALLARD DRINK, BARMAN GARNISHES IT WITH HEAD.) BARMAN There you are sir. CITY GENT 3 Thanks Jim. (NOT DRINKING IT YET.) CITY GENT 1 Harlem Stinger, Tom. BARMAN Yes sir. Rastus! CALLING OFF, BIG BLACK MAN (TERRY GILLIAM) ARRIVES. RASTUS Yes boss. BARMAN One stinger please. RASTUS One stinger coming right up. RASTUS OPENS MOUTH. BARMAN POURS A COUPLE OF BOTTLES IN, ADDS A COUPLE OF EXTRAS, RASTUS GARGLES FOR SEVERAL SECONDS THEN SPITS IT OUT INTO GLASS PLACED BY BARMAN. BARMAN PICKS IT UP AND HANDS IT TO CITY GENT 1. CITY GENT 3 Cheers. CITY GENT 1 How much is that then? MIKE (IE CITY GENT 3) DRINKS AND GOES BARMAN: £1.40 sir. CITY GENT 1 Would you care to join us? BARMAN: No thank you sir. (TAKES MONEY.) CITY GENT 1 Cheers. (SWALLOWS, RUNS TO LOO DOOR, CAN'T GET IN, RUNS TO WASTE PAPER BASKET, VOMITS. AT THIS MOMENT CITY GENT 2 REAPPEARS LOO WHITE AND SHAKEN, TOTTERS TO BAR AND GETS ON STOOL HEAD IN HANDS.) CITY GENT 2 Same again Harry. Oh Christ! BARMAN POURS OUT COCKTAIL, TAKES LEMMING. CITY GENT 2 Easy on the Lemming, Harry. BARMAN Certainly sir. (SQUEAK SQUEAK.) CITY GENT 3 COMES BACK BARMAN Same again for you sir? CITY GENT 3 Just a small one. (LOOKING AT DRINK.) Harry. BARMAN Yes sir. CITY GENT 3 Have you got something a bit lighter. BARMAN Something without the mallard, sir? CITY GENT 3 Yes, please, Harry. BARMAN How about a Safari Snowball? CITY GENT 3 That's more like it. CITY GENT 1 Do you make any cocktails without these awful things? BARMAN I'm afraid not sir. CITY GENT 1 I don't know why we come here. CUT TO EITHER STOCK FILM OR ANIMATION (TERRY G'S CHOICE) OF BIG GAME BEING SLAUGHTERED AND MADE INTO COCKTAILS. ANIMATION EVENTUALLY FORMS A BEAUTIFUL VICTORIAN CAMEO, WHICH TERRY CAN PINCH FROM A BOOK. INSIDE THIS CAMEO NICE ANIMATED CREDITS IN VICTORIAN SCRIPT: The Free Repetition of Doubtful Skit, Spoof, Jape or Vignette by a very under-rated writer. OVER THESE TWO CREDITS STRING QUARTET MUSIC PLAYS THE SAME BARS THAT WILL BE PLAYED AT THE END OF THIS SKETCH, ALTHOUGH AS YET WE DO NOT SEE THEM. THE CENTRE OF THE CAMEO OPENS UP AND WE MAINTAIN THE EDGE FRAME OF THE CAMEO ON OVERLAY THROUGHOUT THIS SMALL SKETCH (TIMED ROUGHLY BY ERIC IDLE AT 1min 35secs NOT INCLUDING THE OPENING TITLES.) IN THE CENTRE OF THE CAMEO, NOW STUDIO, WE SEE AN ORDINARY POST OFFICE COUNTER WINDOW WITH 'TELEGRAM ENQUIRIES' OVER THE TOP. THE CLERK [TERRY JONES] IS BEHIND THE COUNTER. ENTER MR PEEPEE [ERIC IDLE]. THEY SPEAK VERY STILTEDLY.) PEEPEE I've come for some free repetition of doubtful words on an Inland Telegram. Monty Python's Flying Circus - Series 3, Show 10 (21/12/72)

Okay, so if you know your Pythons then you'll be aware that we're back in tx territory now. Following the dropping-in of 'Disturbing Vicar' and conventional title sequence we rejoined Show 10-as-written with the cocktail shaker animation.

[NOTE (1): A song called 'Eric The Half-A-Bee' ended the version of 'Fish Licence' on Monty Python's Previous Record (Charisma, 1972). This however is a completely different song to that used in Flying Circus which, if the tiny snatch of an old tape recording of Michael Palin singing it played during Python Night is anything to go by, seems partly to have its origins in 'Oh I Do Like To Be Beside the Seaside'!]

	THE CAMEO CONTINUES ON ANIMATION, PERHAPS A CURTAIN MIGHT FALL OR SOMETHING GOOD HAPPEN SO THAT WE GET A GOOD CUTTING POINT WITHOUT A JUMP, WHICH ALSO LEAVES IS (sic) SOME FLEXIBILITY. CAN WE DISCUSS THIS BEFORE TERRY DOES THE ANIMATION? ANYWAY, THE ANIMATION CONTINUES AND EVENTUALLY LEADS US INTO A LATE NIGHT RELIGIOUS TYPE DISCUSSION, SO THAT WE COME UP LIVE IN THE STUDIO WITH THE USUAL SILHOUETTE OF PEOPLE, ONE CHAIRMAN AND THREE GUESTS ON CHAIRS. THE THREE GUESTS ARE IN SLIGHTLY, BUT NOT GROTESQUELY, ODD POSITIONS. Monty Python's Flying Circus - Series 3, Show 10 (21/12/72)

Gilliam takes this as a cue to fold up the 'Free Repetition...' caption card, attach it to an animated photo of a horse (another bit of Muybridge there) and have it deliver the folded results to a cartoon BBC studio, where his hand is seen picking it up. On VT the paper is unfolded and reveals, via colour separation, the 'Is There...' sketch. In other words, 'a good cutting point without a jump'. Knockout!

Edit News: Monty Python's Flying Circus

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