STUDIO.

MORRIS
Today's historic agreement between Australia and Hong Kong marks a new season of hope for the future of world trade. The two countries who have spent years at each other's throats on the international market have now signed a treaty which allows trading between all parties at all levels at a restricted quota basis. I'm joined now by Martin Craste,...

MORRIS TURNS TO MARTIN CRASTE, WHO IS SITTING NEAR HIM IN THE STUDIO.

...the British Foreign Office Minister with special responsibility to the commonwealth in London...

ON A TELEVISION SCREEN BEHIND MORRIS THERE IS GAVIN HAWTREY. IN THE TOP LEFT-HAND CORNER THERE IS 'THE DAY TODAY' LOGO, AND IN THE BOTTOM LEFT-HAND CORNER IS A CAPTION WHICH READS 'LIVE, CANBERRA'.

[In the pilot, Gavin Hawtrey is played by John Thomson. Martin Craste is played by Andrew Burt as per the series.]

...and Gavin Hawtrey, the Australian Foreign Secretary in Canberra. (MORRIS STARTS SHUFFLING IN HIS SEAT AS IF HE DOESN'T CARE) Gentlemen, this is pretty historic stuff, isn't it? Well done. Er, a future then of unbridled harmony?

MORRIS PULLS OUT A POINTER AND WAVES IT AT THE SCREEN.

Australia?

[Chris Morris is at his most Jeremy Paxman-esque in this segment.]

CAPTION: 'GAVIN HAWTREY, AUSTRALIAN FOREIGN SECRETARY'.

GAVIN HAWTREY
I'd like to think so. I hope both countries will be reaping the benefits, both financially and amicably, for many years to come.

MORRIS
Mister Craste, if, as in the past, Australia start to exceed their quotas, what would be your reaction?

CAPTION: 'MARTIN CRASTE, BRITISH FOREIGN OFFICE MINISTER WITH SPECIAL RESPONSIBILITY FOR THE COMMONWEALTH'.

MARTIN CRASTE
I think one simply has to take a very firm line and say that, you know, that's where it stops.

MORRIS
Yes. You're both standing firm what are you using to back yourselves up.

HAWTREY
The agreement.

MORRIS
The agreement and force. What kind of force are you going to back yourself up with, Hawtrey?

HAWTREY
Well, er, any means of reasonable force possible. When I say reasonable force, I mean sitting down...

MORRIS
(INTERRUPTING) You're talking about weapons. He's talking about weapons, Mister Craste, and you're sitting there in a, in a rather flabby way saying "we're not actually going to do anything about weapons"!

CRASTE
I don't ever think Britain's been found wanting in circumstances such as these.

MORRIS
(TO HAWTREY) You're going to have to retaliate pretty strongly against that sort of accusation, I would have thought in a more physical way.

HAWTREY
You mean, an act of aggression?

MORRIS
I certainly do. I mean, (INDICATES CRASTE) he's sitting here accusing you of goodness knows what and you're sitting there effectively saying (SOPPY VOICE) "Oh, we'll put a sanction forward... and we'll stand by it". What are you going to stand by it with?

HAWTREY
Well, sanctions would be the initial plan and then we would move on to stronger means.

MORRIS
Such as?

PAUSE.

HAWTREY
Well, I would have to talk to, uh, certain... members of the cabinet.

MORRIS
About?

HAWTREY
Um... military matters. And that's all.

MORRIS SHRUGS TOWARDS CRASTE, INDICATING THAT HE SHOULD FIGHT BACK.

CRASTE
We have spent a long time and had a great co-operation over this and now suddenly you're talking about imposing sanctions and talking to your seniors about military, er, matters. This is, this is quite outside the terms of any treaty that could possibly be made between two former members of the commonwealth.

MORRIS POINTS AT THE SCREEN.

HAWTREY
You didn't suggest any suggestion of any kind of diplo... diplomatic inter... intervention, you suggested firm means.

CRASTE
I think you're, I think you're interpreting my words...

MORRIS
Mister Hawtrey, let me give you a hint: 'Bang'!

PAUSE.

HAWTREY
What are you suggesting?

MORRIS
You're plunging yourself into a...?

HAWTREY
What do you want me to say?

MORRIS
Into a...?

HAWTREY
You want me to say...?

MORRIS
The word.

HAWTREY
The word? I'll say it: war!

MORRIS
War? Gentlemen, I'm going to have to hold you there on freeze for just a second. If a war did break out, then fighting would probably start in Eastmannstown on the Upper Cataracts in the Australio-Hong Kong border region. Our reporter D�nnnald Bethl'hem (PRONOUNCED DONALD BETHLEHEM) is there now. D�nnnald! (MORRIS DOES A SPRAWLING 180 DEGREE SPIN ON HIS CHAIR TO FACE A DIFFERENT SCREEN WITH D�NNNALD BETHL'HEM ON IT) What's the atmosphere like?

[There is of course no 'Australio-Hong Kong border region'. Australia and Hong Kong are both islands, with around 4500 miles of ocean between them.]

D�NNNALD IS IN A WAR ZONE, WORRIED SOLDIERS WALKING AROUND IN THE BACKGROUND. IN THE UPPER LEFT-HAND CORNER THERE IS THE 'THE DAY TODAY' LOGO AND IN THE LOWER LEFT-HAND CORNER IS A CAPTION WHICH READS 'D�NNNALD BETHL'HEM, LIVE, EASTMANNSTOWN'.

D�NNNALD BETHL'HEM
Tension here is very high, Chris. The stretched twig of piece is at melting point. People here are literally bursting with war. This is very much a country that is going to blow up in its face.

MORRIS DOES ANOTHER SPIN ON HIS CHAIR TO FACE CRASTE AND HAWTREY

MORRIS
Well, gentlemen, it seems you have little option now but to declare war immediately.

CRASTE
Well, clearly the time for semantics is now over. I... I... I can't of course be responsible for taking a decision like that, I have to refer to my, my superior Chris Patten. As you know he's in Hong Kong at the moment.

MORRIS
Good! Because he's joining us now on the line from Hong Kong. (MORRIS TURNS TO THE SCREEN WHICH HAS STUDIO FOOTAGE OF CHRIS PATTEN ON IT) Mister Patten, do you agree with the idea of declaring a war?

FOOTAGE - CHRIS PATTEN IN A STUDIO. IN THE TOP LEFT-HAND CORNER IS THE 'THE DAY TODAY' LOGO. IN THE BOTTOM LEFT-HAND CORNER IS THE CAPTION 'LIVE, HONG KONG'. HE NODS SLIGHTLY.

MORRIS
I'll take that as a yes.

MORRIS INDICATES FOR CRASTE TO SPEAK.

CRASTE
It seems it's war.

MORRIS
Mister Hawtrey?

HAWTREY
War it is then.

THERE IS AN EXPLOSION BEHIND D�NNNALD BETHL'HEM. SOLDIERS STARTS RUNNING AND TRUCKS START ROLLING BEHIND HIM.

BETHL'HEM
That's it, Chris. It's war. War has broken out. This is a war.

MORRIS SWINGS AWAY FROM THE SCREEN TO FACE THE CAMERA.

MORRIS
That's it. Yes! It's war!

HUGE LETTERS READING 'WAR' APPEAR IN THE BACKGROUND WHERE THERE ARE PEOPLE MANNING PHONES AND GENERALLY LOOKING BUSY. THE WHOLE SET IS BATHED IN A RED LIGHT AND HAVE TWO LARGE SIGNS READING 'NEWS' ON EACH SIDE OF THE SET. THE CAMERA PANS OUT AND A DRAMATIC THEME PLAYS.

Coming up in the next twenty minutes we'll be monitoring the progress of our own flotilla of smart bombs, foremost among these with a nose-mounted camera...

MORRIS POINTS OFF-CAMERA. WE SEE A 'BOMB'S-EYE VIEW' AS IT FLIES THROUGH THE CLOUDS.

...smart bomb 'Steven'. On hand throughout tonight's broadcast, Douglas Hurd...

FOOTAGE - DOUGLAS HURD IN FRONT OF A WESTMINSTER BACKDROP. THE ' THE DAY TODAY' LOGO IS IN THE TOP LEFT-HAND CORNER AND A CAPTION IN THE LOWER LEFT-HAND CORNER READS: 'DOUGLAS HURD, ON HAND'.

...and on the front in Eastmannstown itself, news-hound D�nnnald Bethl'hem.

BRIEF SHOT OF D�NNNALD BETHL'HEM STILL IN EASTMANNSTOWN.

And with over a hundred and thirty satellite infomometers, an even broader swerve of ground-based news operatives and a world-wide back-up from the Factadelics, The Day Today will keep you far more firmly abreast of the war than anyone else by miles.

THE MUSIC STOPS AND MORRIS TURNS TO A DIFFERENT CAMERA.

But first the weather with Suzanne Charlton.

[In the' War' show, it was a link to their regular weatherman, Sylvester Stewart.]

FOOTAGE - SUZANNE CHARLTON IN FRONT OF A WEATHER MAP.

SUZANNE CHARLTON
Basically, we've got very movable, uh, weather systems...

MORRIS (VO)
Ha! Ooh!

CHARLTON
Movable weather system?

MORRIS (VO)
Bollocks alert.

CHARLTON
We're all at it this morning!

MORRIS (VO)
It was four seconds that one as well.

CHARLTON
...huge layers of clouds sweeping...

MORRIS (VO)
Bad for her, isn't it? Must be difficult to see with your head that far up your arse.

CHARLTON
...between then we get some clear skies which is much situation across....

MORRIS (VO)
"...is much situation", that's another one.

CHARLTON
...the whole of England and Scotland...

MORRIS (VO)
Mouth full of toss. If she does one more get her off,...

CHARLTON
...in many areas....

MORRIS (VO)
...get her off.

CHARLTON
...a bright, or even a sunny, first thing...

MORRIS (VO)
(ANGRILY) "Sunny first thing". Right, that's it, take her off. Kill the bitch.

STUDIO.

MORRIS
Back now to Eastmannstown, our man on the ground there, D�nnnald Bethl'hem. D�nnnald, what is the latest?

D�NNNALD BETHL'HEM, AS BEFORE.

BETHL'HEM
As I swilled the last traces of toothpaste from my mouth this morning, a soldier's head flew past the window shouting the word 'victory!'.

MORRIS (VO)
Have you actually seen any of the fighting yourself, D�nnnald?

BETHL'HEM
Today I saw an old woman on the ground. She was lying in a pool of her own tomatoes.

AN EXPLOSION OCCURS BEHIND D�NNNALD. HE JUMPS. STUDIO. MORRIS IS WATCHING D�NNNALD ON THE TELEVISION SCREEN.

MORRIS
D�nnnald, there seems to be some action going on immediately behind you. Could you take yourself closer towards it please?

BETHL'HEM
Yes, Chris.

HE WADDLES BACKWARDS A FEW STEPS.

MORRIS
Righto, go in a bit...

BETHL'HEM
About here?

MORRIS (VO)
No, a bit further back please, D�nnnald.

BETHL'HEM
Uh, I feel very near here.

MORRIS (VO)
Yes, but you're not near enough. Could you take yourself closer still?

BETHL'HEM
Here?

MORRIS
No...

BETHL'HEM
Surely...

MORRIS
I want you to be so close until you can smell the news!

D�NNNALD SCREAMS 'ARGH!' AND FALLS BACKWARDS. THE CAMERA ZOOMS IN BADLY.

BETHL'HEM
I'm sorry, Chris, uh, I think I've been shot. I am shot. I am shot.

MORRIS
(NOT BOTHERED) Yes. Well, could you, could you describe your wounds please, D�nnnald?

BETHL'HEM
Uh, it's in the lower back above my leg. It's, it's, uh, it hurts. It... I...

MORRIS (VO)
What about the level of pain? How much pain?...

BETHL'HEM
Uh, substantially.

MORRIS (VO)
...How much pain can you feel?

BETHL'HEM
It feels like I've been shot with a big knife. Aah!

MORRIS
Now, it's customary for a journalist in your position to give us some sort of joke, what's yours?

BETHL'HEM
(ROLLING ON THE GROUND IN AGONY) It's quite ironic, Chris,...

MORRIS
Yes.

BETHL'HEM
...because this morning I was saying... aaaaarrghhhh!

MORRIS MUTTERS 'IRONIC'.

Oh God!

CUT BACK TO MORRIS, TURNING AWAY FROM THE SCREEN.

Help! Aaaarrghh!

SCREAMING CONTINUES.

MORRIS
(TO CAMERA) Well, I'd just like to assure you that D�nnnald Bethl'hem is perfectly alright.

CAPTION: 'PROGRAMME STING'.

VOICEOVER
The Day Today - Come, give torch to the news shag.

[Oddly, this sting is not spoken by Michael Alexander St John but by Morris, whose voice is slightly deepened and/or slowed down.]

MORRIS IS NOW ON LOCATION AT EASTMANNSTOWN, THE DARKENED CITY CAN BE SEEN BEHIND HIM. NEXT TO HIM IS A TELEVISION SHOWING THE 'BOMB'S-EYE VIEW' OF SMART BOMB STEVEN. A CAPTION READS: 'LETMO-gERRING UPPER CATARACTS, LIVE'.

MORRIS
Good evening, this is The Day Today, live from the war. We've moved our operation into the battery zone. Progress on Smart Bomb Steven: (HE LOOKS AT THE SCREEN) Good.

THE SCREEN CHANGES TO THE 'THE DAY TODAY' LOGO IN AN ORANGE BOX.

And we've already seen a lot of fighting on the ground here. Earlier on today we had to slip the clutches of the local militia, which we did by fooling them into standing guard over models of ourselves made out of biros and notepads (SMILES SMUGLY) and then smuggling our bodies out inside some hospital beds. (SERIOUS FACE) This report of the day's fighting I made short moments ago...

FOOTAGE - SOLDIERS AT WAR.

[Much of the footage comes from the 1989 Romanian revolution]

MORRIS (VO)
There's something about the way these people move that tells you they are a nation at war. Look into their eyes and you can read the words: 'I have a reservation at the restaurant of death'. It's a messy bistro with a bad name for soiling it's customers' clothes.

FOOTAGE - A WHITE FLAG BEING THROWN OUT OF A WINDOW.

We've seen only one napkin in four days.

FOOTAGE - DEAD BODIES SCATTERED AROUND A ROOM, FOLLOWED BY MORE FIGHTING SOLDIERS.

As course after course piles up in the banquet of brutality, it's difficult for many of the clients here to relax.

EXTREME CLOSE-UP OF A SOLDIER SHOUTING, FOLLOWED BY MORE STOCK WAR CLIPS.

[The solder is played by David Schneider.]

Those who don't leave...

FOOTAGE - JOHN SIMPSON TALKING IN A BUSH.

...go as mad as a pack of wild dogs. This man we found this morning, pitifully trying to catch bullets in his mouth.

JOHN SIMPSON (IN ROMANIA)
...they haven't turned up yet, we seem to be the only ones here.

MORRIS, WEARING CAMOUFLAGE GEAR, IS STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF A WAR ZONE. SOLDIERS RUN BEHIND HIM.

MORRIS
With the air thick and rippling with bullets, everybody's nickname here is either 'duck' or 'argh'.

AT THIS, MORRIS RAISES A HAND AND IS IMMEDIATELY SHOT THROUGH IT. HE HARDLY REACTS.

I, too, now have a wound, just a small part of the unnecessary damage which could have been avoided all together if the politicians had got it right!

MORE WAR FOOTAGE

MORRIS (VO)
The people here are confused, spending most of their time running about like idiots. Earlier today we met a family who, thanks to this war, now have no home.

CUT TO A SMALL BOY AND HIS MOTHER.

A war which they feel anyway has nothing to do with them.

THE BOY SPEAKS IN A FOREIGN LANGUAGE. HE IS DUBBED BY MORRIS.

MORRIS (VO)
"We are mere pawns in a political game. Trapped in the physical manifestation of a nonsensical clash of mere ideals between two governments tragically isolated both from their electorates and the guts-on-your-shoes reality of armed struggle."

[In the broadcast edit, this is replaced with the simpler "This is not our war. We are being forced to swallow the rotten egg of an angry political goose".]

CUT TO A BLACK-AND-WHITE PHOTOGRAPH OF THE BOY.

That boy is now a war orphan, one more victim of what they call here the 'desert confetti'.

PULL OUT TO REVEAL CHRIS MORRIS IS IN THE PICTURE WITH THE BOY, AND HAS HIS HANDS ON HIS SHOULDERS.

I have a child about his age myself. When I phoned him ten minutes ago I told him to move out of the house to make room for his new brother.

BACK TO MORRIS STANDING OUTSIDE EASTMANNSTOWN. ON THE TELEVISION NOW IS DOUGLAS HURD. THE CAPTION READS 'LETMO-gERRING UPPER CATARACTS, LIVE', AS BEFORE.

MORRIS
Back now to The Day Today smart bomb. (TO SOMEONE OFF-CAMERA) Get rid of Hurd! (THE PICTURE OF DOUGLAS HURD DISAPPEARS AND IS REPLACED WITH THE VIEW FROM SMART BOMB STEVEN) Thanks. How is it for Smart Bomb Steven?

THE SCREEN FILLS WITH THE VIEW FROM THE BOMB. MORRIS STARTS TO COMMENTATE, GETTING INCREASINGLY EXCITED.

[In the broadcast version, it is not Morris who commentates but a different character called 'Jonathan', played by David Schneider.]

MORRIS (VO)
Well, we can see now, he's zooming in over the landscape. He's almost... caressing the land there. This is a city full of people and soldiers. There's one! (THE CAMERA ZOOMS INTO THE MOUTH OF A SOLDIER AND GOES DOWN THE THROAT) There he is. It's into his mouth, past the oesophagus, down through the...

THE TRANSMISSION TURNS TO STATIC AND WE CUT BACK TO MORRIS. HE IS REALLY QUITE EXCITED.

...bang! Bang! Completely gone! Er, we didn't hear the bang of course because the microphone was taken out in the heat of the explosion, but there, nonetheless, is one more tear on the face of the world's mother. Alan! Sport!

ALAN IN THE STUDIO. HE AND HIS DESK HASN'T CHANGED SINCE EARLIER DESPITE ALL THE WAR BUSINESS GOING ON AROUND HIM.

PARTRIDGE
Thanks, Chris.

ANIMATED GRAPHIC: A FOOTBALLER SPITS AT THE SCREEN AND A CAPTION READING 'LATE NIGHT RESULTS' AND 'DIVISION TWO' APPEAR AS ALAN SAYS THEM.

[The spitting footballer graphic is a bit rubbish compared to that used in the series.]

PARTRIDGE (VO)
And now some late night soccer results. I'm Alan Partridge, this is division two. Hull Paragraph, five. Portsmouth Bubblejet, one. Sheffield Hysterical, three. Chunky Norwich, one. Richmond Arithmetic versus Nottingham Marjorie, match postponed due to bent pitch.

SCOREBOARD FINALLY READS 'HULL PARAGRAPH 5 - PORTSMOUTH BUBBLEJET 1; SHEFFIELD HYSTERICAL 3 - CHUNKY NORWICH 1; RICHMOND ARATHMETIC - NOTTINGHAM MARJORIE' WITH A MATCH POSTPONED SYMBOL AS WE CUT BACK TO ALAN IN THE STUDIO.

PARTRIDGE
(TO WRONG CAMERA) Goodnight!

ALAN LOOKS NERVOUS FOR A FEW SECONDS BEFORE WE CUT BACK TO CHRIS MORRIS, STILL OUTSIDE EASTMANNSTOWN AND STILL WITH DOUGLAS HURD ON THE TELEVISION SET.

MORRIS
Still to come, Douglas Hurd but not yet, (MORRIS WAVES HIS HAND AND THE TELEVISION CUTS BACK TO THE 'THE DAY TODAY' LOGO IN AN ORANGE BOX) because as Britain is dragged hopping and burping into this conflict, how do our elected guardians justify the enormous cost? Some say the Minister for War has been avoiding the press for precisely this reason. But earlier on today The Day Today tracked him down and I spoke to him in an exclusive way.

CUT TO MORRIS (OFF-CAMERA) TALKING TO A MAN IN THE STREET OUTSIDE WESTMINSTER CATHEDRAL. HE IS CLEARLY NOT THE MINISTER OF WAR.

[This piece is done in the style of some of the 'Speak Your Brains' segments of the programme, with Morris asking a member of the public to pretend to be something he's not and to speak on matters he has no interest in or knowledge of.]

MORRIS
Mister Powley, you're the new Minister for War. Any idea how long it's going to last?

MAN
Um...

CAPTION: 'MR POWLEY, MINISTER FOR WAR'.

Well, I'd hope not very long. I'd say about eighteen months, I hope, no more.

MORRIS
But nonetheless, you took the decision.

MAN
That's right. We had to take the decision.

MORRIS
Was anybody in cabinet against it?

MAN
Umm... I should say yes.

MORRIS
Can you name names?

MAN
Not really.

MORRIS
I understand your position. (THE MAN MAKES A NOISE OF AGREEMENT) Looking at the tactics in the war, what tactics will you be adopting?

MAN
I would say... go over and bomb 'em, because when you ground fight...

MORRIS
With your hands over your ears?

MAN
Yes.

MORRIS
So what's your scenario? You say eighteen months, who's going to win?

MAN
I should say the British would win.

MORRIS
Can I put you on the spot...

THE MAN TAKES OUT A HANDKERCHIEF AND STARTS TO WIPE HIS NOSE.

...and ask you to address the nation and tell them we are going to win the war?

MAN
Definitely, definitely.

MORRIS
You must say that to the nation through the camera...?

MAN
Yes, I would, yes.

THE MAN TURNS TO FACE THE CAMERA.

I'm assured the nation will win this war.

MORRIS
Minister, thank you.

THE PICTURE SLIDES OUT DOWNWARDS TO REVEAL A PICTURE OF SUZANNA GEKKALOYS IN AN ORANGE FRAME WITH THE CAPTION: 'SHE REPORTS'.

MORRIS (VO)
(DISTORTED, MIXED IN WITH HELICOPTER SOUNDS) I'm now in transit over Eastmannstown, Suzanna Gekkaloys is already there.

[In the series, there is a different throwaway line about Suzanna Gekkaloys' "contibution to history".]

A NIGHT-VISION PICTURE OF EASTMANNSTOWN SLIDES UP THROUGH THE FRAME AND FILLS THE SCREEN. IT IS FOLLOWED BY MORE STOCK WAR FOOTAGE, INCLUDING A SHOT OF DAVID SCHNEIDER AS A SOLDIER KICKING A WALL. CAPTION: 'SUZANNA GEKKALOYS IS SPEAKING'.

SUZANNA GEKKALOYS (VO)
This is the very heart of the conflict. The men here have been fighting non-stop for three days. We drove in at night, straight into the middle of a rocket battle.

CUT TO SUZANNA GEKKALOYS ON THE BACK OF A JEEP. THEY ARE DRIVING THROUGH A WAR ZONE, SHOOTINGS AND EXPLOSIONS HAPPENING ALL AROUND THEM. SHE IS HOLDING A MICROPHONE AND SPEAKING INTO THE CAMERA.

GEKKALOYS
The air now is thick with what they call here the 'electric cornflakes'. We are under strict instructions not to leave the vehicle but to drive on through.

THE CAR STOPS AND SUZANNA GETS OUT, FOLLOWED BY THE CAMERA.

[The following bit of voiceover differs slightly from the series version.]

GEKKALOYS (VO)
With no cover, we ran across open space to a nearby house.

SHE RUNS TO A HOUSE AND KICKS THE DOOR IN.

There are always casualties in war.

A MAN WITH A BROKEN LEG STANDS UP.

This man was injured and we had to act fast.

SUZANNA SHOOTS HIM.

We found a family sheltering in the back room.

A HYSTERICAL WOMAN COMES UP TO SUZANNA AND STARTS SHAKING HER.

[The woman is the same woman seen earlier sitting by the war orphan that Chris adopts. The boy can be sitting behind her.]

We had no tongue in common but through the universal language of mutual need I knew she was saying 'Come, set your equipment up in our refuge. The world must see this mess'.

SUZANNA IS BROADCASTING FROM THE ROOM. IT IS NOW EMPTY. A CAPTION READS 'LIVE, EASTMANNSTOWN'.

GEKKALOYS
These brave people are now sleeping but they know that tomorrow our aerials and transmitters could make this house a prime target. (SHE TURNS HER HEAD TO THE LEFT) Chris.

CUT TO CHRIS MORRIS, NOW IN THE MIDDLE OF A BOMBED HOUSE IN EASTMANNSTOWN. TO HIS LEFT IS A TELEVISION WITH FOOTAGE OF DOUGLAS HURD ON IT.

[The inclusion of the following scene in the series messes the continuity slightly - with Morris suddenly acquiring a different hairstyle! The Douglas Hurd footage is looped so that all he does is raise his head then lower it again, remaining silent throughout.]

MORRIS
Back to the war now, and in the noise and heat of what they call here the 'flying scissor beans', there is no optimism, or at least wasn't until just two minutes ago when we received these pictures of a miracle from the front line less than a mile from where I'm (AN EXPLOSION IN THE BACKGROUND SENDS A SOLDIER FLYING. MORRIS DOESN'T NOTICE) standing.

FOOTAGE - TANKS AT REST. SOLDIERS EATING SANDWICHES AND SITTING DOWN.

MORRIS (VO)
This was the scented rose in the bum-gut of Satan, for here at seven thirteen precisely the fighting stopped. Soldiers who, moments earlier, had been shooting each other's teeth out suddenly put down their guns and joined in peaceful commune. Some played games...

FOOTAGE OF A ROW OF SOLDIERS LOOKING AT THE CAMERA MAKING PEACE SIGNS WITH THEIR FINGERS.

...or, like these men, planned a musical.

CUT TO CANDLE-LIT CRIBS CONTAINING TINY SCRAP METAL BABY JESUSES.

Others built cribs, carefully forged from scraps and weapons. It's Christmas here, though you wouldn't know it from the smell.

FOOTAGE - THE EXTERIOR OF A BUILDING.

The reason for this outburst of calm lay inside a shed...

INSIDE THE SHED, WE SEE SOLDIERS TRYING TO GET A CAT DOWN FROM THE CEILING.

...for here the massed forces of two world powers were unified by nothing more than the distress of a cat stuck on a high shelf. (CAT MEOWS) No-one knows how it got there, but these brave fighting men, moved by the simplicity of the animal's plight...

THE SOLDIERS START COOING OVER THE RESCUED CAT.

...decided to forget their differences, and tried to get it down. It was a heart-warming scene in an otherwise ghastly place...

THE SOLDIERS, HOLDING AND STROKING THE CAT, SMILE FOR THE CAMERA.

...but even as the men celebrated, their heads were blown clean off...

WE SEE THE OUTSIDE OF THE SHED EXPLODING. SOMETHING BURNING IS THROWN IN THE AIR AND LANDS ON THE GROUND.

...for somebody, nobody knows who, had filled the cat with nitro-glycerine.

CUT TO MORRIS STANDING IN FRONT OF A FLAMING BUILDING (THE SHED?) WITH THE TELEVISION BY HIS SIDE. DOUGLAS HURD IS STILL ON IT. A CAPTION READS 'LIVE, EASTMANSTOWN' [SIC; ONE 'N'].

MORRIS
Well, despite the odd story like that, it's quite clear even to the untrained eye that this war has peaked. There follows little now but the inevitable plague of refugee and human interest stories which tend to spew out in the wake of such conflicts. We'll leave a skeleton staff here to deal with that. I, myself, am back to London because I've had quite enough of this sickly guff.

PULL OUT TO REVEAL THAT MORRIS IS STANDING BY A JEEP ON WHICH THE TELEVISION RESTS.

Mister Hurd, (HE TURNS TO THE TELEVISION) thank you.

MORRIS CLIMBS INTO THE PASSENGER SEAT.

This has been The Day Today, on the ground, live... in a war.

THE TRUCK DRIVES OFF.

[This final pay-off to camera made a silent appearance in the 'This Is Our War' sketch.]

CAPTION: 'PROGRAMME STING'.

[Michael Alexander St John...]

VOICEOVER
The Day Today - Aware of the powerful symmetry that exists between news and history.

STUDIO. MORRIS IS BACK BEHIND THE DESK.

MORRIS
And just time to look at some of tomorrow's newspapers: 'Drowned Italian wins Eurovision', that's Today; The Mail go with 'Aristocrat's dung saves village from flood';...

CLOSE-UP OF NEWSPAPERS IN MORRIS' HANDS.

[The papers are clearly real newspapers and have real headlines, The Daily Mail's, for instance, reading 'Suzy Sister In Kidnap Scare'. Prop newspapers with doctored headlines would be used in the series itself.]

...The Mirror: 'Lord Mayor's pirouette in fire chief wife decapitation'; The Sun: 'Robin Cock'; and the New Zealand Prendegast lead with 'Russia elects cobweb'. You'll notice incidentally that the Wheeler cartoon in The Independent has 'There will never be another war again', referring there to the Prime Minister's conference speech, and the Wheeler caption: 'Yes, there will, and it's happening now'. That's it, that's The Day Today on the day that...

FOOTAGE - BORIS YELTSIN CLENCHING HIS FIST WITH 'THE DAY TODAY' LOGO IN CORNER.

...Boris Yeltsin told the world how he milked Mrs Thatcher.

BORIS YELTZIN (DUBBED)
...flabby breasts.

MORRIS
Goodnight.

THE CAMERA SWINGS OUT AND THE STUDIO DARKENS. MORRIS TAKES PEN AFTER PEN FROM THE TABLE AND PUTS THEM ALL IN HIS INSIDE JACKET POCKET. MUSIC PLAYS AND THE CREDITS ROLL.

[Morris also ended a show by putting lots of pens in his pocket in the first episode. The music is similar to broadcast but features a different, more jaunty, fade out.]

THE CREDITS:

THE DAY TODAY

Featured
CHRIS MORRIS
STEVE COOGAN
PATRICK MARBER
DAVID SCHNEIDER
DOON MACKICHAN
REBECCA FRONT

and featuring the voice of
MICHAEL A. St. JOHN

Guest artists
JOHN THOMSON
ANDREW BIRT
ANDY LINDEN
MINNIE DRIVER

Script Associate
PETER BAYNHAM

Written by
CHRIS MORRIS
ARMANDO IANNUCCI
and the CAST

Additional material by
PETER BAYNHAM
ANDREW GLOVER
DAVID QUANTICK
STEVEN WELLS

Original Music by
JONATHAN WHITEHEAD
CHRIS MORRIS

Co-Producer
CHRIS MORRIS

Executive Producer
PETER FINCHAM

Director
ANDREW GILLMAN

Producer
ARMANDO IANNUCCI

A TALKBACK Production for BBC Television
(c) BBC TELEVISION MCMXCIII