- Post Programme Update
Talkback Productions for the BBC, 29/01/93
Duration - 6'.39"
CAPTION: 'POST PROGRAMME UPDATE'.
THE THEME PLAYS AS THE CAMERA SWEEPS INTO THE STUDIO (WITH THE WORDS 'NEWS' WRITTEN WHERE IT PREVIOUSLY SAID 'WAR') AND FOCUSES ON A SLEEPING MORRIS. HE RAISES HIS HEAD SHARPLY TO FACE THE CAMERA.
MORRIS
It's seven and three quarter hours short of first light, and it's been confirmed tonight that twelve more farmers have been caught trying to leave the country with their farms.
FOOTAGE - TRUCKS BOARDING A FERRY.
MORRIS (VO)
They were intercepted on a channel ferry after the crew reported clods of turf and top-soil jamming the doors to the hold.
FOOTAGE - A HORSE ON A FARM, FOLLOWED BY HELICOPTER FOOTAGE OF A FIELD.
During the last month, over four hundred farms have disappeared from Great Britain. Particularly hard hit are Suffolk and Gloucestershire, now little more than patches of bare earth.
SATELLITE MAP OF INDIA WITH A WHITE SQUARE SURROUNDING BURMA, WHICH IS COLOURED GREEN.
It's not known for certain where the farms end up but satellite pictures show what might be a large colony of agricultural holdings...
MAP ZOOMS IN TO SHOW CLOSE-UP FIELDS. PARTS OF IT ARE COVERED IN RED SQUARES.
...building up in Burma, where imported farms are known to be traded for large sums of money in underground markets.
[A version of the above routine was reperformed for the series and featured as the first item in the first Mini News promo. The stock footage was reused, although the second graphic is different.]
STUDIO.
MORRIS
Debate 2000's still in progress. Can we take a quick dip?
THE DEBATE 2000 STUDIO.
DODD
I really think now we should move on now to the French Revolution, to... the style and content of that era.
LIVAROT
Coh, I don't believe it! You ca... she has equated style and content! They're not the same thing!
ROSSITER
(BIG JOKE) Oh yes, they are for her though, aren't they!
LIVAROT AND ROSSITER START LAUGHING.
LIVAROT
Yes! For her, they are the same thing! Style and content, look at her! Yes! I like... that's very good, I like that.
ROSSITER
Thank you. 'The same thing!'
LIVEROT OFFERS OUT HIS HAND. ROSSITER GETS UP AND THEY SHAKE HANDS. THEY CONTINUE LAUGHING.
DODD APPLAUDS SARCASTICALLY.
DODD
(SARCASTIC) Oh, yes, well done, marvellous, chaps, marvellous. (CAPTION: 'MERRILY H. DODD, BROADCASTER') Oh please, have a laugh on me, please!
LIVAROT
(LAUGHING) The same thing! The same thing...
WRONT
Stop laughing!
LIVAROT MOVES AROUND TO ROSSITER, BOTH STILL LAUGHING, AND GIVES HIM A HUG.
Stop laughing!! Stop laughing!!
LIVAROT
(IN HYSTERICS) The same thing! The same thing...
DODD
It's so... male, that bonding, that laughing at me. It's just, I find it... just unbelievable.
LIVAROT AND ROSSITER HAVE CALMED DOWN. LIVAROT IS SAT DOWN ON HIS STOOL AND ROSSITER IS BY HIM AND WRONT, SIPPING FROM A CUP.
ROSSITER
Um...
LIVAROT
The French Revolution...
DODD
Yes...
ROSSITER HOLDS UP A SMALL OBJECT (CIGARETTE BUTT?) THAT WAS IN HIS DRINK.
ROSSITER
Sorry, who put this in my drink?
WRONT
I did.
PAUSE.
ROSSITER
Why did you put this in my drink? Hmm?
WRONT
I wanted to see you choke on it.
HARDIMARCH
Oh, come on, Mark. I think we can do a little bit better than that...
DODD
This really has descended into something quite nasty.
HARDIMARCH
...don't you? I mean, I think we've got a bit further along the road than that. Mark, hmm?
ROSSITER FLICKS SOME OF THE LIQUID IN HIS CUP AT WRONT. FURIOUS, WRONT LEAPS UP AND STARTS TO ATTACK ROSSITER, FELLING HIM BY THE DRINKS TABLE.
WRONT
Flipping...
DODD
Hey...
ROSSITER
Argh!
HARDIMARCH
Hey, now come on. Hey.
WRONT
(POINTING AT ROSSITER, LYING ON THE FLOOR) There's plenty more where that come from and all.
HE GOES BACK TO HIS SEAT.
DODD
Right, well, I think that's adequately illustrated what the French Revolution was all about. So let's move on to it, shall we?
LIVAROT
What, its style or its content? Hee hee hee...
STUDIO.
MORRIS
More now on that drama beneath the waves. We've just heard that The Day Today has been successful in contacting the men trapped in a submarine at the bottom of the Pacific. The vessel sank yesterday and is now on the ocean floor over a mile below the surface. (CHRIS MORRIS DONS A HEADSET WITH BUILT-IN MICROPHONE) Crewman Chesney Christ is on the other end of this line now. Hello, Chesney...
[A slightly edited version of this interview appeared in the sixth, final Mini News and as a hidden bonus on the end of the first volume of the VHS release. The latter featured Morris in inset (changing position and size on the screen as per the edits), miming his parts of the original phone-call!]
WE SEE A STILL PHOTOGRAPH OF A SUNKEN SUBMARINE. OVER THIS IS A PICTURE OF A DOPEY-LOOKING AMERICAN WEARING A BASEBALL CAP, AND THE CAPTION 'SUBMACREWMAN CHESNEY CHRIST, LIVE FROM PACIFIC OCEAN FLOOR'. CHESNEY CHRIST'S VOICE IS SLIGHTLY DISTORTED AS IT COMES THROUGH A TELEPHONE LINE. IT SOON BECOMES CLEAR THAT HE IS NOT IN A SUNKEN SUBMARINE AT THE BOTTOM OF THE PACIFIC, BUT AT A MCDONALDS RESTAURANT IN AMERICA.
CHESNEY CHRIST
[unintelligible], McDonalds.
MORRIS (VO)
Hello, Chesney?
CHRIST
...who?
MORRIS (VO)
(VERY SLOWLY AND DELIBERATELY) How is everybody down there?
CHRIST
Uh, we're getting on pretty well. We're, uh, we're, we're kinda busy right now.
CUT BACK TO MORRIS SPEAKING TO A MONITOR UNDER HIS DESK.
MORRIS
Is water getting in anywhere?
CHRIST
Water?
MORRIS (VO)
Yes.
CHRIST
Uh, this...this... this... this is a McDonalds restaurant, sir.
MORRIS (VO)
A-ha-ha-ha ha-ha-ha-ha! Keep the spirits up, that's right.
CHRIST
Yeah, we're keeping the sprits up, oh yeah.
MORRIS (VO)
Oh yeah, whoo! Uh, tell me, do you have any food?
CHRIST
Yeah, we have, we have, we have food, yeah.
CUT BACK TO MORRIS.
MORRIS
Is your food supply nutritious enough to maintain human life down there for some time?
PAUSE.
CHRIST
Uhhhhhhhhh... Yeah, I mean, it's... sure, I mean, everybody, everybody likes it, huh?
MORRIS (VO)
Tell me, what can you see from where you are? Can you see any fish?
PAUSE.
CHRIST
Nooo, no fish.
MORRIS (VO)
I'm told that where you are may well be the domain of a giant squid. If one turned up, what weaponry could you employ to keep it out?
CHRIST
Well, uh... I don't really know, but we, you know, it's kinda im... im, it's kinda im... impossible to, uh...
CUT TO MORRIS.
MORRIS
It sounds like you're not quite sure. Is this confidential information?
CHRIST
I mean, I'm work... I'm work... I'm working for a fast food restaurant here...
MORRIS (VO)
Uh... you're presumably talking in code. Are you about to blow up?
PAUSE.
CHRIST
No, I'm not.
CUT TO MORRIS.
MORRIS
Well, could you tell everybody there not to move around because you'll use up the oxygen?
CHRIST
Yes, I'll... I'll... I'll tell them that.
MORRIS (VO)
Hang on in there, and...
CHRIST
Okay...
MORRIS (VO)
...count up to a million.
CHRIST
Okay...
MORRIS (VO)
We're with you every inch of the bloody way!
CHRIST
Thank... yes. I know.
MORRIS REMOVES HIS HEADSET AND TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA.
MORRIS
Here's the weather now from Sylvester Stewart.
[This weather report insert featured in Show 1 of the series.]
AMBIENT WEATHER MUSIC. THE HEAD OF SYLVESTER STEWART HOVERS OVER A COMPUTER GENERATED MAP OF THE BRITISH ISLES. THE CAPTION AT THE TOP OF THE SCREEN READS 'METCAST'.
SYLVESTER STEWART
Starting in the South-East...
SYLVESTER LOOKS SOUTH-EAST AND HIS HEAD SHRINKS AND FLIES DOWN TO THAT AREA OF THE MAP. A CLOUD OF MIST APPEARS BY HIS HEAD.
...where it will be a misty day tomorrow with a droplet density of about fifty thousand per spherical inch. That's roughly as if the mist were hugging the ground like an over-affectionate and rather damp dog. Over to East Anglia and the Midlands...
SYLVESTER'S HEAD FLIES UPWARDS AND STOPS NEAR THE CENTRE OF THE MAP. THREE SUNS APPEAR AROUND HIS HEAD.
...it will be a warm day tomorrow, about twenty. That's the sort of warmth you might feel on a January morning walking into a heated drawing room after chopping some wood. And finally, into the North of England and Scotland...
ROLLING HIS EYES UPWARDS, SYLVESTER'S HEAD GLIDES UP THE MAP AND STOPS AT THE TOP. SOME CLOUDS WITH HAIL FALLING FROM THEM APPEAR.
...a strong and highly long-lasting day tomorrow, with hail aimed vertically downwards from above and there'll be a thirty percent chance.
THE HEAD FLIES FORWARD AND OUT OF VIEW.
The summary then: Breezes.
THE WORD 'BREEZES' APPEARS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SCREEN. SYLVESTER'S HEAD FLIES FROM LEFT TO RIGHT UNDERNEATH IT.
And that's all the weather.
STUDIO. MORRIS IS SLOUCHING AGAIN. HE RAISES HIS HEAD QUICKLY TO SAY:
MORRIS
And don't forget, The Day Today has produced a series of video cassettes charting the progress of the war that helped news change history.
CHRIS HOLDS UP A VIDEO CASSETTE BOX.
[The sleeve of the box is the same as seen in the close-up of the boxes in the broadcast version.]
They're called 'The Day Today: This Is Our War'. There's twenty-six of them that's split evenly over the next six months, and they look like this!
HE THROWS THE CASSETTE AT THE CAMERA. IT TURNS INTO A SPINNING DIGITAL EFFECT AND FILLS THE SCREEN WITH FOOTAGE OF THE STUDIO AS IT PREPARES FOR WAR, WITH THE 'THE DAY TODAY' LOGO OVER THE TOP OF IT. DRAMATIC MUSIC.
[This is a different, shorter edit of 'This Is Our War' than used in the programme. It uses a slightly different, but equally amusing, selection of songs.]
MORRIS (VO)
(OVER FOOTAGE OF SOLDIERS AND EXPLOSIONS, INCLUDING SHOTS OF SUZANNA GEKKALOYS, CHRIS MORRIS AT EASTMANNSTOWN WITH DOUGLAS HURD ON SCREEN, D�NNNALD BETHL'HEM BEING SHOT AND DAVID SCHNEIDER AS A SOLDIER STANDING ON ONE LEG) The Day Today - This Is Our War. Featuring the men and women who sacrificed themselves at the altar of fact.
'JET' BY WINGS STARTS TO PLAY.
And the beat of over a thousand pop classics!
FOOTAGE OF JETS
"Jet! Woo-oo-oo oo-oo-ooo. Jet! Woo-oo-oo oo-oo-ooo..."
'GET DOWN' BY GILBERT O'SULLIVAN PLAYS OVER FOOTAGE OF SUZANNA GEKKALOYS SHOOTING AN INJURED MAN ON A LOOP.
"Told you once before and I won't tell you no more..."
FOOTAGE - SOLDIERS DUCKING BEHIND A WALL.
"...get down, get down, get down..."
MORRIS (VO)
Ottowan!
FOOTAGE - PEOPLE BEING CAPTURED BY SOLDIERS WITH THEIR HANDS ABOVE THEIR HEAD. 'HANDS UP (GIVE ME YOUR HEART)' BY OTTOWAN STARTS TO PLAY.
"Hands up, baby, hands up, gimme your heart, gimme gimme..."
FOOTAGE OF GUNS GOING OFF.
MORRIS (VO)
(IN TIME WITH THE MUSIC) Bang after bang after bang after bang!
FOOTAGE OF A WHITE FLAG BEING THROWN OUT OF A WINDOW ACCOMPANIED BY 'I SURRENDER' BY RAINBOW.
"I surrender. I surrender..."
FOOTAGE OF SOLDIERS CARRYING DEAD BODIES FOLLOWED BY FOOTAGE OF MARTIN BELL BEING TREATED.
MORRIS (VO)
Queen!
'ANOTHER ONE BITES THE DUST' BY QUEEN.
"Another one bites the dust, heh-hey! Another one bites the dust, hey-hey-hey hee-ee-ee-eey..."
MORRIS (VO)
(JOINS IN) Heeeeeeeey!
FOOTAGE OF SMART BOMB STEVEN GOING DOWN A SOLDIER'S MOUTH.
The Day Today - This Is Our War!
FOOTAGE OF A BURNING EFFIGY WITH 'I'M ON FIRE' BY BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN PLAYING OVER IT.
"Ooh ooh ooh, I'm on fire. Ooh ooh ooh, I'm on fire. Ooh ooh ooh..."
FADES OUT. BACK TO MORRIS IN THE STUDIO. THE PLAY-OUT MUSIC IS GETTING INCREASINGLY LOUDER OVER:
MORRIS
And that's it. If the pedestrian of ignorance is crossing your road tonight, hit him square in the chest with the infobile!
SHOT OF THE WHOLE STUDIO.
- Additional Material
Talkback Productions for the BBC, 29/01/93
Duration - 11'.34"
CAPTION: 'ADDITIONAL MATERIAL'
CHRIS MORRIS AT HIS DESK
MORRIS
The time just snivelling towards the five and thirty six. And you will have noticed, unless you were born with five reverse gears, that most news footage is gleaned by professional lensmen from professional orga-news-ations. Our own crews tend to drive vans. But these days it's increasingly the work of the amateur that lobs us head-first into the daily dramas that make a news. As this report demonstrates The Day Today reality unit haven't been sleeping - they've been compiling this feast of Genutainment which finds Remedy Malahide with her finger on its on-switch.
REMEDY MALAHIDE, A WARM 'TOMORROWS WORLD' TYPE AGAINST A VERY WHITE BACKGROUND
[The studio sections of this sequence were reperformed for the series.]
MALAHIDE (REBECCA FRONT)
Hello. You know, there's a phrase. "What you see is what you get." And what you're going to get tonight is what you've seen, through one of these.
PLACES HANDS ON CAMCORDER
Tonight we're going to dive into the extraordinary world of the lens. Our first item comes to us courtesy of some brave security cameras in the Norwood Branch of Hexton's Bank last Friday, who captured these remarkable scenes of a bank robbery.
SECURITY FOOTAGE OF A BANK ROBBERY. THE THIEVES WEAR MICHAEL JACKSON MASKS AND PRANCE ABOUT, PERFORMANCE-LIKE, BEFORE MOONWALKING AWAY IN UNISON
MALAHIDE (VO)
The real capturing happened soon after!
MALAHIDE IS NOW STANDING NEXT TO A TV SCREEN WHICH SHOWS A STILL OF A DEAD BODY IN A FIELD WITH A LETHAL-LOOKING YELLOW SPIKE STICKING OUT OF IT
MALAHIDE
Our reality eye-fest continues with photo-footage now, and Mrs Mandy Hell captured these snaps while out walking her brother on Wandsworth Common. The un-named woman had been pierced by a shaft of frozen urine which had fallen from the toilet facility of an overhead plane. But on now to our main visual splash in real-life tales of danger and rescue. 'It's Your Blood'!
MALAHIDE TURNS TO FACE THE OTHER CAMERA, THEN IMMEDIATELY TURNS BACK AGAIN
You know, over a thousand appalling events happen every day. And thanks to this little child (PICKS UP CAMCORDER) - it's a camcorder - we can actually see all of them. Every week on 'It's Your Blood' we'll be featuring an actual bad accident and showing how you can avoid a similar fate.
CLOSE-UP OF HELICOPTER BLADES IN ACTION
MALAHIDE
This week: 'Chopper Of Doom'.
CAMERA PULLS BACK SLOWLY REVEALING CHRIS MORRIS IN MICHAEL BUERK'S '999' RAINCOAT
MORRIS
Helicopters. Machines with blades for cutting air. Air that's soft and easy to slice. Like human beings. If a helicopter hits the ground at a hundred miles an hour it can be rebuilt. But for a man made of crushable bone and ligaments that tear it's not quite so easy. In recreating the horrific events of the 12th of December, 1992, we persuaded the original victims to face that ordeal again.
[The 'It's Your Blood' sketch was in an unfinished state at this point and features no narration or music. Just some helicopter sound effects.]
WIDE SHOT OF A MAN STANDING IN FRONT OF A HELICOPTER WITH A DOG.
CLOSE UP OF THE MAN. PAN DOWN TOWARDS DOG.
SHOT OF THE PAIR OF THEM WALKING TOWARDS THE HELICOPTER
SHOT FROM WITHIN THE COCKPIT OF THE HELICOPTER OF THE MAN OPENING THE SIDE-DOOR. HE SHOUTS "IN!" AT THE DOG. THE DOG JUMPS IN.
OPPOSITE ANGLE. THE MAN CLIMBS IN THROUGH THE OTHER DOOR. HE TELLS THE DOG TO "STAY!"
VARIOUS SHOTS OF THE MAN WIRING UP A CAMCORDER TO THE CONTROLS OF THE HELICOPTER, INCLUDING A 'CAM-VIEW'.
SHOT OF DOG LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW.
SHOT OF HELICOPTER'S TAIL PROPELLER WHIZZING INTO LIFE.
CLOSE-UP SHOT OF HELICOPTER BLADES AS PER START OF THE PIECE.
SHOT OF HELICOPTER ASCENDING
VARIOUS SHOTS OF INSIDE THE COCKPIT.
SHOT OF THE MAN LOOKING AT HIS WATCH. HE IMMEDIATELY SLUMPS FORWARD, UNCONSCIOUS. SIDE-SHOT OF HIM MOTIONLESS.
VARIOUS SHOTS OF HELICOPTER CAREERING OUT OF CONTROL, SHOTS OF THE GROUND FROM ABOVE, ETC.
OVERHEAD SHOT OF SOME CHILDREN IN A FIELD
GROUND SHOT OF SAME CHILDREN, WANDERING ABOUT LOOKING AT THE GROUND
MORE SHOTS OF HELICOPTER, GROUND, DOG IN COCKPIT.
GROUND SHOT OF CHILDREN AGAIN.
ONE MORE SHOT OF HELICOPTER
OLD WOMAN LOOKING OUT OF THE WINDOW, SEES THE HELICOPTER, DIGS OUT A LARGE PROFESSIONAL VIDEO CAMERA AND BEGINS FILMING THE EVENTS.
SHOT OF OLD WOMAN MAKING A PHONE CALL
PHONE ANSWERED IN A CONTROL TOWER
CONTROLLER 1
Hello? Control Tower.
TWO-SHOT OF CONTROLLERS. THEY BOTH SPEAK IN STILTED 'I'M NOT AN ACTOR' TONES.
CONTROLLER 1
(TO SECOND MAN) Oh no, it's one of our helicopters out of control.
CONTROLLER 2
I wonder who that can be.
FIRST CONTROLLER SEARCHES THE SKY WITH BINOCULARS
CONTROLLER 1
It could be Chester Johnson. And that's got a dog on board.
CONTROLLER 2 NODS
We'd better call a shepherd then.
SHOT OF HELICOPTER, SHOT OF DOG IN COCKPIT, SHOT OF GROUND, SHOT OF CHILDREN
SHOTS OF SHEPHERD ARRIVING IN CAR, ASCENDING THE STEPS TO THE CONTROL TOWER.
SHOT OF CHILDREN IN FIELD WITH THE HELICOPTER APPROACHING THEM
SHOTS OF SHEPHERD WHISTLING INTO RADIO, DOG IN COCKPIT REACTING
SHEPHERD TALKING INTO RADIO. CONTROLLER STANDS BEHIND HIM HOLDING BOTH THE RADIO AND HIS BINOCULARS GIVING INSTRUCTIONS
SHEPHERD
Steady... Way to me...
CONTROLLER 1
...slightly to the right towards the airfield...
DOG IN COCKPIT MANIPULATING CONTROLS WITH ITS MOUTH
CLOSE UP OF SHEPHERD
SHEPHERD
Way to me, way to me...
CONTROLLER 1
...two hundred and fifty feet now...
SHOT OF HELICOPTER IN THE AIR
SHEPHERD
Steady
CONTROLLER 1
...stick forward. You need to come around slightly to the right...
SHEPHERD WHISTLES AGAIN
...move the stick over to the right. That's looking good. And keep coming to...
OVERHEAD SHOT OF GROUND, OVERHEAD SHOT OF CHILDREN
SHEPHERD WHISTLES AGAIN
CONTROLLER 1
...looking good. Nice rate of ascent�
QUICK SHOTS OF GROUND, CHILDREN
SHEPHERD
Come by... come by...
CONTROLLER 1
You're doing well...
QUICK SHOTS AGAIN
HELICOPTER FLIES DIRECTLY OVER THE CHILDREN, MISSING THEM COMPLETELY. SHOT OF DOG IN COCKPIT LOOKING TRIUMPHANT.
SLOW-MOTION SHOT OF CONTROLLERS AND SHEPHERD CONGRATULATING THEMSELVES WITH CRIES OF "WELL DONE". ENDS WITH CLOSE-UP OF SHEPHERD'S SMILING FACE.
CHRIS MORRIS NEXT TO THE HELICOPTER AGAIN.
MORRIS
If this happened to you, would you know what to do? Your chances would be improved considerably if you made sure someone on the ground had one of these.
CLOSE UP OF MORRIS' HAND HOLDING A SMALL TOY SHEPHERD. HE PRESSES ITS HEAD DOWN. IT EMITS WHISTLES AND SAYS "STEADY NOW...COME BY..."
[The shepherd voice features no distortion here.]
HEAD AND SHOULDERS SHOT OF MORRIS
It's a pocket shepherd. It costs just fifty nine pounds. A small price to pay for the gift of a functioning body that works properly.
BLACK SCREEN FOR A FEW SECONDS
MORRIS IN STUDIO
MORRIS
Hello you. The Day Today head-news thus far. the Department of Education today announced that ugly children will be banned from schools because they put the other pupils off. A recent report shows that ugly children are unpopular, they cause disruption by being teased, and they conduct themselves in an increasingly twisted way as they become more aware of their ghastly looks. From next term children will be measured with a hideousness-gauge designed to eliminate those with irregular or concave faces, swollen eyelids, undersized heads and the looks of an old man. Teachers Union leaders today welcomed the new regulations, adding 'their dismissal will also remove their parents who are often equally offensive. And, later this evening...
OLD PASSPORT PHOTO OF ROBERT KATZ
...judge rules Leicester man was right to eat sister...
[The 'ugly children' routine featured in the second Mini News (with illustrative stock footage). The 'Leicester Man...' joke appeared in Show 6 of the series. The following joke and footage also featured in Mini News 2.]
MORRIS STUDIO AGAIN
...and Gary Lineker tells us why he's unhappy with the way his new Japanese bosses have made him look.
FOOTAGE OF CRUSTY TRAVELLER
TRAVELLER
Well I think it's stupid.
MORRIS STUDIO
MORRIS
Alan. (TURNS TO RIGHT)
LONG SHOT OF PARTRIDGE AT HIS DESK
PARTRIDGE
Thanks, Chris. Hope I'm not ugly. All... (GESTURES TOWARDS FACE) all ugly... I'm Alan Partridge and this is Sports Desk.
CLOSE UP SHOT
Horse Racing! Onto today's results and a far from ugly finish over at Ripham in the 3.30 Chicory Tip Incest Cup. We take up the race with 49 seconds to go.
FOOTAGE OF HORSE RACE
PARTRIDGE (VO)
Novelty Bobble on the inside, Novelty Bobble followed by Immaculate Pasta, Christ's Chin coming up on the inside, followed by Abba The Horse and Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon. Coming up the rear, Sinead O'Connor. But Novelty Bobble is holding his own with Immaculate Pasta... Christ's Chin! Christ's Chin! Abba The Horse on the inside! Small-Time Gypsy Massacre gaining ground, closely followed by Epileptic Fridge Boy. And Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon breaking through there. Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon. Alf Ramsey's Porn Dungeon! Sinead O'Connor third, but, er... no, it seems to me that Christ's Chin... and Astonishing Bum Queen... are... nowhere... because it's Small Town Gypsy Massacre, Alf Ramsay's Porn Dungeon, Sinead O'Connor... No! Christ's Chin won! I got confused!
BACK TO STUDIO
PARTRIDGE
And that race was marred by an incident earlier on when former champion jockey Lester Piggot had a nasty fall at the third fence and had to be destroyed.
[The above horse-race insert and written routine featured as part of the third Mini News package.]
BUSINESS NEWS DESK
SISTERS
And a final reminder to you that the new Bank of England banknotes are in circulation tomorrow. The new twenty pound note is slightly smaller and carries the head of Ludovic Kennedy while on the new fifty, which is orange and square, there's a picture of the Radio 1 disc-jockey Mark Goodier.
CHRIS MORRIS AT HIS DESK
MORRIS
And while Alan was talking horse we were receiving reports, so far unconfirmed, that ghosts have taken over in Holland. Full details at nine but a truck-stop, 7pm, for a short one.
BLACK SCREEN FOR A FEW SECONDS
[Part of the following insert featured in the second Mini News.]
FOOTAGE OF A RUGBY MATCH
PARTRIDGE (VO)
...they're closing in on him, they keep bringing him down. Let him go. He's saying 'Get out of the way - I want to play some rugby!' Ge... Hit him. Hit him! Right, and the ball's out... to West, to Kenney... Kenney's broken through! Yes, he's running, he's clear! He's saying 'Look at me, look at me, I've got the ball! I've got the ball! Can you get me? No, I'm gonna score!' He's scoring a tr... He's scored! He's scored a try! And what a magnificent moment as he just ran through there and said 'You.. oh, you're not gonna get me! I've got the ball!'.
FOOTAGE OF REPLAY
Let's see it again. There, to West, to Kenney, he's got the ball, he just sneaks in there going 'Aaaaaiiee!!'. There he goes, on his own. Look at that. He's laughing, he's grinning. I would be!
FOOTAGE FADES OUT. FEW SECONDS OF BLACK SCREEN
FOOTAGE OF FIFTEEN HUNDRED METER RACE
PARTRIDGE (VO)
Fifteen hundred meters there. Cram... and, er, not a lot happening... Quite unremarkable rea...
RUNNER STUMBLES AND FALLS
Oh good. Someone's fallen. Err, it's Peter Elliot! Yes! He's down. Peter Elliot, no relation to the late Denholm. And... come on, Pete. Back on your feet. You can catch up with them. No. No, he can't be bothered.
FOOTAGE FADES OUT
BLACK SCREEN FOR A FEW SECONDS
ONSCREEN LIST OF RUNNERS FOR THE HUNDRED METERS
PARTRIDGE (VO)
And in lane seven, Darren Braithwaite Actually, I used to go to school with a Darren Braithwaite. Of course, he's not a runner. he, um, works for Argos. And, er, I believe he smokes so he wouldn't be, er, any use in a sprinting race.
RUNNERS LINING UP READY FOR THE OFF
Er... now, as they line up, Linford there, hopefully remembering the words I spoke to him in the dressing room earlier on when I said 'Run, Linford, as fast as you possibly can, as fast as is humanly possible.' He listened, he nodded his head and he walked away. And, er, hopefully, those thoughts - my words - are running through his head now.
THE RACE STARTS
They're off! Just run through the names once more for you. there's, in lane one, there's Vladimir Krylov; lane two is Daniel Sangouma; lane three, John Regis; lane four...
RACE ENDS
...wh... it's... oh, it's over! Um, who's won? I think it's... Yes, it was... it's Christie! Christie's won! Christie's won the 100 meters! That's another for us! Great!
FOOTAGE FADES OUT
The Day Today - Pilot Show (29/01/93)
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