STUDIO.
MORRIS
The time is almost exactly seventeen minutes past nine...
HE TURNS TO A DIFFERENT CAMERA AND WE CAN SEE A TELEVISION WITH A PICTURE OF A CLOCK IN A MOUTH WITH THE CAPTION 'BRAINPOSIUM'.
... and that means there are three million, four hundred and sixteen thousand, four hundred minutes left 'til the end of the century. And that's the amount of time five critics and cultural commentators in a sealed studio in Kensington have to keep talking. They're called 'Debate 2000', and in 1990 they embarked on a ten year discussion designed to pull into focus everything that modern man has achieved.
MORRIS TURNS TO A CAMERA FOR A CLOSE-UP.
'Debate 2000' is available exclusively to The Day Today through a triple-screened green cable that terminates at this studio's far left-hand wall.
THE DEBATE 2000 STUDIO CONSISTS OF FIVE PEOPLE SITTING ON STOOLS AROUND A TABLE. FROM ABOVE THE TABLE READS 'DEBATE 2000' BUT SOME OF THE LETTERS ARE PRINTED ON THE FLOOR. ON ONE SIDE OF THE STUDIO IS A TABLE WITH TEA, CUPS AND FOOD, ON THE OTHER IS A WOMAN WITH GLASSES WHO OCCASIONALLY WRITES SOMETHING DOWN.
[The five people around the Debate 2002 table are: Anne Hardimarch, novelist, played by Rebecca Front; Kurt Rossiter, semologist, played by David Schneider; Mark Wront, fitter, played by Steve Coogan; Merrily H. Dodd, broadcaster, played by Doon Mackichan; and Jacque-"Jacques" Livarot, french writer, played by Patrick Marber. Jacque-"Jacques" Livarot later made it into the series as the resident philosopher.]
KURT ROSSITER
Well, well, let's ask then, what is a novel?
JACQUE-"JACQUES" LIVAROT
A novel is a tool produced by a worker in an industry called 'culture'.
KURT ROSSITER LAUGHS.
MERRILY H. DODD
Oh balderdash. I mean, honestly...
ROSSITER
(APPLAUDING) Very clever, very clever.
A LARGE CLOSE-UP OF ANNE HARDIMARCH WITH THE CAPTION: 'ANNE HARDIMARCH, NOVELIST'. THE FIRST 'A' AND LAST 'H' ARE HIGHLIGHTED RED AND IT IS ALL IN LOWER-CASE. THIS HIGHLIGHTING IS THE SAME WITH ALL THE DEBATE 2000 CAPTIONS.
LIVAROT
Because we can all agree that a novel is composed of words, so maybe we should discuss what is a word?
NOISES OF AGREEMENT AND ARGUMENT.
MARK WRONT
Wuh.. wuh... a word?
DODD
I mean, what are we going to achieve...
WRONT
(POINTING AT MERRILY'S MOUTH) That's a word!
DODD
...by discussing what's a word?
WRONT
That's a word, that's several, that's a lot of words. There!
ROSSITER
I don't see...
WRONT
(POINTING AT KURT) That's some more!
ROSSITER
If I could just, if I could just...
WRONT
That's, look, that's lots, this is words, those are words! (POINTS AT OWN MOUTH) That's words, there!
THEY ALL START TALKING OVER EACH OTHER. WOMAN IN BACKGROUND STARTS WRITING.
LARGE CLOSE-UP OF KURT WITH THE CAPTION: 'KURT ROSSITER, SEMOLOGIST'.
ROSSITER
These are... are... are irrelevancies. What, we have to actually go beyond that...
ANNE HARDIMARCH
(TRYING TO INTERRUPT) No they're not. No they're not.
ROSSITER
...no, please, and ask what, what is silence?
LIVAROT
(POINTING AT HIM) Yes! Yes!
ROSSITER POINTS AT LIVAROT.
LIVEROT
We need to create, we need to create a discourse...
LIVEROT / ROSSITER
...of silence!
KURT PUTS HIS FINGER TO HIS LIPS AND TRIES TO 'SHH' EVERYONE INTO SILENCE.
LIVAROT
No, he is absolutely right...
ROSSITER
(TO LIVAROT) Shh!
CLOSE-UP OF AN OPEN-MOUTHED MARK WRONT WITH THE CAPTION: 'MARK WRONT, FITTER'.
WRONT
I'm not saying....
ROSSITER
Shh!
A FEW SECONDS OF SILENCE.
DODD
Right, if we could just ...
THEY ALL TALK TOGETHER.
LIVAROT
Oh no!
HARDIMARCH
We were trying to explore silence...
LIVAROT
We were trying to establish...
HARDIMARCH
...we weren't ready to move on.
ROSSITER
...talking and just chattering away, can't you just be quiet? Just...
DODD
(TO KURT) Do you mind not spitting on me?
STUDIO.
MORRIS
Debate 2000, showing that in Europe at least, there's no disagreement about trading words. (SMUG GRIN) Time now for Sports Desk with Alan Partridge. (TURNS TO HIS LEFT TO TALK WITH ALAN) Alan, you're a bit of a word man, aren't you? Like the feel of words.
PARTRIDGE
Um, I don't mind, I certainly... words, uh, where would we be without them? We wouldn't be able to communicate and, uh, certainly always handy when you're having a conversation.
MORRIS
Yes, words... what do they feel like when they come out of your mouth?
PARTRIDGE
W... we... wha...?
MORRIS
What does a word feel like when it comes out?
PARTRIDGE
Well, it's... sort of 'whuh' (INDICATES PULLING A WORD OUT OF HIS MOUTH WITH HIS FINGERS). What is...?
MORRIS
Does a long word feel different to a short one?
PARTRIDGE
Yes, certainly, long ones run...
MORRIS
What about significant words, how do they feel?
A LONG SHOT REVEALS THAT THEY ARE NOT LOOKING IN EACH OTHER'S DIRECTION. MORRIS TURNS HIS HEAD ROUND A BIT MORE SO THAT HE IS LOOKING DIRECTLY AT THE SPORTS DESK.
Alan?
ALAN TURNS AROUND.
PARTRIDGE
What?
MORRIS
How do significant words feel when they come out?
PARTRIDGE
You mean long ones...?
MORRIS
Are they different in texture to...?
PARTRIDGE
Yeah. Hello, and welcome to Sports Desk with me...
MORRIS
(SHOUTING ACROSS THE STUDIO) 'Buttress' is a significant word.
PARTRIDGE
Yes, mmm, yeah. ...Alan Partridge.
ALAN TURNS TO ANOTHER CAMERA.
And it's a special Desk of Sport now, as we look back on some of the sporting highlights of the past sports season. So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence.
FOOTAGE OF THE TOUR DE FRANCE SLIDES IN. ALAN TALKS OVER IT.
[None of the 'morphing' effects that feature in the series, such as Alan turning into a running shoe or a punching bag, occur here. Instead, the pictures appear by using more traditional wipes, all of which have music accompanying them.]
PARTRIDGE (VO)
When it's cycling championships you're after, you can't say fairer than the Tour De France.
CLOSE-UP OF MAN ON BIKE.
Dai Bandau there, in the lead, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way.
FOOTAGE - MORE MEN ON BIKES.
Klaus Binn there on the inside, pumping away with his, with those gristle-like muscley legs inside the, those tight lycra shorts which have become his trademark...
SUDDENLY, A CAR CARRYING HALF A DOZEN BIKES ON ITS ROOF DRIVES PAST.
..and I don't know what this man is playing at! There's no way, surely the judges will come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race.
OVERHEAD VIEW.
You join me in the helicopter now, as we look down on these cyclists that somehow look like cattle in a mad way, but cattle on bikes.
[The helicopter noise is not as loud as in the broadcast version and Alan's voice is not as distorted.]
THE END OF THE RACE.
And there, Sven Gunsen, closely followed by his great friend and teammate Klaus Binn... and the man with bikes on his car is (THE CAR CARRYING THE BIKES IS WAVED OFF THE ROAD), yes! He's disqualified, as I said. And Klaus Binn there wins, riding non-handed! No need for that.
A TRIANGULAR WIPE AND SOME MUSIC AND WE SEE ALAN IN THE STUDIO.
PARTRIDGE
And it was upsets all the way in the dive championships.
FOOTAGE - A MAN DIVING. ALAN COMMENTATES.
PARTRIDGE (VO)
Greg Legarny. Down, double-back twister, bangs his head and in. Textbook, lovely. Let's see it again.
WE SEE THE MAN DIVING AGAIN IN SLOW-MOTION.
He boings down, up in the air, double-back twister, comes down, bangs his head on the board and in. Lovely. The judges surely will give him high marks for that.
ALAN PARTRIDGE'S FACE SLIDES IN AND OUT OF SCREEN.
PARTRIDGE
And how's this for a tumble?
FOOTAGE - A FEMALE GYMNAST.
PARTRIDGE (VO)
There she goes. Bounce, split, over and over and over, and then down, and then... back and over and over and over and over, back and over and over and over, and up and down, and that bit with the hands there. Not so good. I mean, I can do that.
TWO HALVES OF ALAN'S FACE SLIDE IN FROM THE TOP AND BOTTOM OF THE SCREEN.
PARTRIDGE
But for my money, the best punches were being pulled this season in the boxing ring.
ALAN'S FACE SLIDES OUT HORIZONTALLY AND TO REVEAL FOOTAGE OF A BOXING MATCH.
PARTRIDGE (VO)
There, round four, and in the middle of it here with the, uh, the plucky Liverpudlian and the 'Ginger Boxer'
as he's affectionately known to me. Thank goodness, actually, they're wearing gloves because I've witnessed bare-knuckled boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago and it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in, er, such a barbaric fashion, and I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading, and, er, two men fighting as I saw in the barn that night, naked as the day they were born, and fighting the way God intended... wrestling at points. I don't know if you've seen 'Women In Love', there's a marvellous scene by the fire. It, er, kind of resembled that.
STUDIO. MUSIC PLAYS THROUGHOUT.
PARTRIDGE
I'm Alan Partridge and that was my Sporting Season. Why don't you join me again for another one? Join me!
MUSIC ENDS.
CUT BACK TO CHRIS MORRIS WHO IS SITTING BY A TELEVISION WITH A PICTURE OF A BLIND-FOLDED GLOBE WITH A GUN HELD TO IT. THE CAPTION READS 'ENVIROMATION'.
MORRIS
Matters green now. Rosie May's Enviromation.
ROSIE MAY ISN'T SEEN. THE ENVIROMATION SEGMENT HAS PINK-TINTED FOOTAGE OF A WATERFALL IN THE BACKGROUND AS VARIOUS COMPUTER-STYLE WINDOWS OPEN OVER IT AND PLAY VIDEO.
VOICEOVER (MORRIS VO)
Greenosphere.
THE FIRST WINDOW OPENS. LABELLED 'ENVIROMATION', IT SHOWS FOOTAGE OF A 'MOBILE CEMETERY' (THE SAME AS BROADCAST). A MONKEY'S FACE APPEARS IN THE WATERFALL IN THE BACKGROUND.
ROSIE MAY (VO)
This is Rosie May with news from green earth, and Britain is soon to have its first portable cemetery. The cemetery, which opens to the size of a football pitch and features real soil, can hold up to a thousand corpses. The portable cemetery saves waste.
AN OSTRICH APPEARS WHERE THE MONKEY WAS.
VOICEOVER
Green on.
A NEW WINDOW OPENS, ALSO LABELLED 'ENVIROMATION', CONTAINING FOOTAGE OF SOMEWHERE EMPTY AND COVERED IN SNOW.
MAY (VO)
Scientists in Northern Canada have found a large hole in the horizon. The gap separating the sky from the ground has been measured as much as one mile high. Experts have temporarily tethered the sky to the earth with large winching ropes but there are fears it could snap apart in the spring.
[Although the joke is the same in the broadcast version, the dialogue here is slightly different. For example, in the final version the scientists are Alaskan, not Canadian, and the gap is nine miles high instead of just one.]
VOICEOVER
Green.
STUDIO.
MORRIS
Take a look at this.
[In the first episode, Morris uses this line to introduce a preview of the 'Church Bullies' sketch.]
BACK TO THE DEBATE 2000 STUDIO.
DODD
Are you a qualified welder?
WRONT
I can, yeah, I've got an HND which...
DODD
Really?
WRONT
...qualifies me to weld, yeah.
HARDIMARCH
That's marvellous.
DODD
Ah, brilliant. So you could, like, rebuild the underside of, uh, any car if it was, like...?
WRONT
Chass... I do, I can do chassis rebuilds, yeah.
DODD
I think that's the most brilliant talent to have.
ROSSITER
Definitely... definitely.
DODD
I think it's one of the most brilliant talents to have.
HARDIMARCH
...is it tremendously creative though...?
ROSSITER
It's just fantastic.
WRONT
It's just common sense...
ALL START TALKING AT ONCE. CLOSE-UP OF JACQUE-"JACQUES" LIVAROT WITH THE CAPTION: 'JACQUE-"JACQUES" LIVAROT, FRENCH WRITER'.
LIVAROT
(AGITATED) This is all very interesting, I'm sure, but we have an agenda.
SHOT OF MERRILY EATING AN APPLE.
WRONT
We'll talk about all your stuff...
ROSSITER
Exactly, now...
LIVAROT
It is not my stuff...
WRONT
It is all your stuff.
LIVAROT
...it is the stuff.
WRONT
What do you mean "the stuff"?
LIVAROT
The stuff that we are supposed to talk about. It is not my stuff...
ROSSITER
No no no, the agenda is not so fixed as that.
LIVAROT
Yes, but the agenda does not include motor maintenance, that's not what it's about.
ALL START ARGUING TOGETHER.
ROSSITER
Motor maintenance, we might be...
DODD
Motor maintenance is life, mate, whether you like it or not, it's A to B.
WRONT
You haven't got motor maintenance, you're not going to get anywhere, are you?
ROSSITER
We might be leading...
WRONT
(TO LIVAROT) If you've got a problem with me...
DODD
Please, we've got another eight years...
LIVAROT
I have not got a problem.
WRONT
I've got a fucking problem...
LIVAROT
I have not got a problem with you, Paul� no I don't have. This is not a personal issue.
[Why does he call Mark 'Paul'?]
WRONT
It is!
LIVAROT
You're personalising...
WRONT
You've been looking at me before! Looking at me...
KURT ROSSITER LETS OUT A LAUGH.
LIVAROT
I was not 'looking at you' in any way whatsoever. I am not 'looking at you' at all...
WRONT
Button it. BUTTON IT!!
JACQUE-"JACQUES" LIVAROT LOOKS AWAY, SCARED OF GETTING HIS FACE PUNCHED IN. A VERY AWKWARD FEW SECONDS PAUSE.
DODD
Shall we talk about the Berlin Wall?
CAPTION: 'PROGRAMME STING'
VOICEOVER
The Day Today - Woah, heck, it's a newsbulb.
The Day Today - Pilot Show (29/01/93)
