Most Jarringly Incongruous Cameo By Performer's Mates: A Bear's Tail A bear's cock 52.5% of the overall vote "Bears Tail gets my vote because that ginger bastard has milked his contacts far to far. That's the fourth series he's sucked out of his celebrity friends." - Joseph Heath "If I was a comedian I'd happily appear on Harry Hill's TV Burp, because it's 'fun' in a good way. But I'd never appear on Bo Selecta, because it's not fun - it's depressing, unfunny shit. And the inability of comedians like Sayle, Mackichan, Mortimer, etc to grasp this is really annoying." Emergency Lalla Ward 10 "My theory is that there's a kind of Waco-Luc Jouret vibe in Channel 4 management at the moment - they realise that something is broken, that their weird inbred fuckathon is drawing to a close in a cyclone of cleansing fire, in short that they haven't met anyone worth two fucks in half a decade, let alone funded a show by them - and they've decided to push through vigourously - burn out in an orgy of pointless spending and no-talent-cuntwit-sac-tickling. It's annoying/suicide-inducing for the viewer but there's something very admirable about it, in a Japanese fucked-up kind of way." - Jutl RUNNERS UP: Extras (25%), Noel Fielding (Nathan Barley) (22.5%)

Leigh Francis' awfulness doesn't need explaining. He hated doing Series 3 of Bo' Selecta apparently... so why didn't he do a really good show instead?

There are many distressing things in the world, but the sight of respected comedians like Harry Hill and Bob Mortimer guesting with Avid Merrion is surely up there with the worst. Also, some people (well, Andrew Newman) attempt to justify the show in 'I don't get it, probably because I'm not 14'- type ways. I mean, Jesus, we had Kenny Everett and The Young Ones when we were growing up...

Oh, and Ricky Gervais, bit of a tip for you: if you really want your show to be 'low-key', don't fill it with A-list Hollywood celebrities.

Most Blatant Plagiarism next. Well, what else but this:

	Most Blatant Plagiarism: Broken News stealing from The Day Today Let's not go there 73.75% of the overall vote "Broken News' plagiarism is all the more blatant because the show it was based on (The Sunday Format) was if nothing else innovative in its format." - Ignatius_S "Frozen urine, eh?" - alan strang "Spotted on the Stock Market ticker: 'MONKEY LARD'. Right, let's add that to the list. Tennis, Dust, Trousers, Lard. We should do a C&B sweepstake to see what 'Monkey ...' comes next in a hilarious comedy programme. I'll go for 'wardrobe'." - weirdbeard RUNNERS UP: Extras stealing from Curb and Seinfeld (20%), Nathan Barley stealing From The Office (6.25%)

The Day Today for idiots. A show with nothing to say, full of stuff that resembled, in the words of Mr Bleaney from Verbwhores, 'the sort of sketch you film on your mate's video camera when you're seventeen'. Horrible, sub-Chris Morris newspeak and malapropism-humour shorn of all originality. The Day Today had a reason to exist - this didn't.

We should also mention the desperate Seinfeld/Curb Your Enthusiasm 'influence' which is buggering up sitcoms at the moment. Comedians love those two shows, possibly because they secretly think 'I could do that'. But then they realise they can't at all. Please give a big hand for the "Would you rather have something that's too sweet or too salty?" line from Extras, and provide your own slap-bass stings.

Now, we all like a DVD don't we? And we all like a DVD extra. But some are more welcome than others. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Most Extraneous DVD Extra:

	Most Extraneous DVD Extra: Scene Selection Democratic choice 52.77% of the overall vote "To call 'scene selection' a special feature in this day and age is laughable, and verges on flippant" - Lumiere "Woah, even though I wasn't too keen on the series I'm going to buy the DVD just for the extras. Scene selection and interactive menus! How did they manage to cram all that on the same disc?" - imitationleather RUNNERS UP: The re-dubbed episode of Nathan Barley (38.88%), Commentaries by Larry David (8.33%)

Yes, Scene Selection. A standard feature being advertised as if it's somehow exciting. Akin to putting 'Special features: Milk' on the side of a yoghurt.

Now, I've been very confused this year - I've never been quite sure whether I ought to like Extras, Nighty Night, Nathan Barley, Avid Merrion, Little Britain... or whether the wind has already changed and I should leave well enough alone. Which is probably why I've won this - the award for the Most Obvious Bandwagon Jumping:

	Most Obvious Bandwagon Jumping: Jonathan Ross (anyone remotely popular) Film 75 45% of the overall vote "Lauding then sneering the Bo Selecta man. How long will that Ricky Gervais friendship last?" - Bert Thung "Ross never lets his interviewee's talk, he always uses the phrase 'I'm Genuinely a fan' when talking to all of his guests. Its a bit bile inducing to watch the guy work... on the other hand he did play a major role in kick starting british comedy in the early nineties. He does dress like a big arse though." - Mohammed Steel RUNNERS UP: Alison Graham (anyone remotely popular) (35%), Spoons (Little Britain) (13.75%), Nathan Barley (The Office) (6.25%)

Yes, if it's popular, then I like it. Going against the grain is just too much work, and people think you're being bitter or showing off. So bring on the success stories and I will pretend to be friends with them. Until they stop being flavour of the month, of course, when they will no longer be welcome on my chat show.

I'd like to thank Alison Graham, Stephen Armstrong, Jim Shelley and Sam Wollaston for their trendspotting advice here. When it comes to joining the winning team, those people are truly the Premiership.

Oh God, another bloody award for Marc Wootton here, the Special Achievement Award:

	Special Achievement Award (aka Special Needs Award): Marc Wootton Professional bully 57.5% of the overall vote "Crap concept, crap script, crap star, crap show - never even a glimmer of 'what might have been'." - Ignatius_S "Dreadful year for comedy, with only curb your enthusiasm,arrested development and QI being any good (as it happens, those three shows are fantastic). Special mentions for shirley ghostman, which is one of the worst things I've ever seen. Unfunny, offensive and proof that many people who work in television haven't got a clue about how to make television. How many quality scripts and ideas were turned down for that show." - Michael Mealor RUNNERS UP: The Mighty Boosh (21.25%), Ricky Gervais (21.25%)

Can't we take him outside and blast him into space? Along with everyone involved in Space Cadets.

Blandest Transatlantic Import next. And it goes to a show which has resolutely failed to yield endless internet discussions about the latest bit torrent episode:

	Blandest Transatlantic Import: Will & Grace Glad to be gay 69.62% of the overall vote "That screechy bint and the camp fellow in Will & Grace make me want to eat glass" - Partridge's Love Child "I think Carlin summed the average 'Will & Grace' sitcom up when he said 'If you look closely, you notice that the average sitcom is just a bunch of doors opening and closing and a bunch of jackoffs entering and exiting.'" - Detective John Kimble "Will & Grace is a pile of wank full of really, really bad gay stereotypes." - purlieu RUNNERS UP: The Office - An American Workplace (22.78%), Arrested Development (7.59%)

Yes, a show so bland I have no opinions on it whatsoever. In fact, I had no idea it was still going. So please welcome a man who's made the show very much his own pension plan. Yes, live via podcast from New Zealand where he's doing an extensive tour of local hospitals, will you please welcome the one and only Mr John Cleese, ladies and gentlemen.

G'Day, I'm afraid Mr Cleese has been called away for a second. This is Wing Commander Shane Boomerang from the Australian wing of the Being Australian In Australia Society. You know, speaking as a high-concept Antipodian caricature, I'm often asked the question, "Daddy, why don't you stop moping about the ranch waiting for voiceover work and do some dreadful comedy on the internet instead?" And how right she was. Who needs stuffy old methods of comedy presentation when you can do the whole thing from your own bathroom. Cobbers. Streuth. Throw another tinny on the Barbie doll. That'll do. Blue-screen a pic of Sydney Opera House in the background and charge them fifty American dollars to watch it. I'm off to appear in Shrek 4 or something. What do you mean I'm still doing the accent?

Thank you, John. Now, what's up next? Ah, another favourite of mine - the Most Unironic Ironic-ism. Lots of hot contenders nowadays for this award, but there could really only be one winner.

	Most Unironic Ironic-ism (ie racism, sexism, homophobia): Extras / Ricky Gervais in general While the sinners sin, the children play 48.19% of the overall vote "Does anyone else think that in thirty years' time attitudes towards Gervais could be similar to how the majority of people think about Love Thy Neighbour now? It was good for its time but we are all a bit more grown up now and this casual racism is actually offensive. Will most people sneer at what those unsophisticates in the noughties thought was funny?" - Gavin "Most people who think of The Office probably wouldn't think of it as a racist sitcom, because people believe it to be a fairly accurate observation of life in an office with an idiotic and embarrassing boss, rightly or wrongly. I honestly don't think people really analyse The Office because its popularity is built on people recognising themselves and their workmates in the characters there and the storylines of petty office bickering, embarrassment and love stories. Whereas your hazy memory of 'Love Thy Neighbour' will be about the racial conflict." - chand RUNNERS UP: Jimmy Carr (21.68%), Little Britain (16.86%), Marc Wootton (13.25%)

Well, this was all covered with Little Britain, really. Anything else to add, Ricky?

I'd like to thank you for this award. I never thought I'd make it, what with having a Paki cripple as my producer. ASH ATALLA SAYS 'HO HO, YOU ROTTER' Still, he's not as bad as Stephen Hawking - I bet it was him who wrecked the Blue Peter garden! Which I laughed at. Joey Deacon, Joey Deacon, etc. AUDIENCE NIP OUT TO CHECK THEY HAVEN'T LEFT THEIR CAR LIGHTS ON Thanks, Ricky. Something aaaaalways goes wrong! See that again on ITV2 as well. Or at your local BNP meeting.

Now, let's push straight on with the award for the Worst Animal Whimsy Mention:

	Worst Animal Whimsy Mention: The Mighty Boosh Zoo TV 37.17% of the overall vote "Having watched (only) the 3rd episode I ended up thinking- you can imagine Barratt and Fielding as a modern day version of Trevor and Simon on Live & Kicking. The 'wacky', slightly irreverent sketch comedy interlude. In that context I think they might be funny and probably get a cult adult following, and the following would be saying "wouldn't it be great if Barratt and Fielding got a grown up show where they can talk about Monkey Hell and bumming foxes!" And then someone lets them do just that and it's "The Mighty Boosh", and seen in the context of adult TV everyone thinks .... oh. Oh dear." - sick as a pike "They are absolutely bone-wrenchingly dreadful. I saw the TV pilot and I was practically on the floor in tears by the end, such was its awfulness. From that they got a full-budget 10 episode commission, which is utterly ridiculous - who else gets that?" - Darrell "Their radio series won the coveted 'Douglas Adams Award for Innovative Comedy Writing' several years back - an acolade which was conveniently invented after Adams had died. Does anyone know if other shows have received the honour, or was it just invented as a PR exercise to push one show?" - alan strang RUNNERS UP: Ross Noble (33.33%), Monkey Trousers (29.48%)

Ah, animal whimsy. The pride and joy of comedians with nothing to say about anything. Cutesy, cuddly, drippy, trippy, studenty dross, all of it. 'I don't care if they have anything to say, all that matters is that it's funny' goes the truism. Yeah, but animal whimsy is like a curry with no spice - what's the point? 'Aw no, it looks like a big monkey, with the eyes of a giraffe... quick, let's confuse him with jazz dancing!'. SHUT UP FIELDING AND SEE ME AFTER CLASS.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, clips shows.

	Honorary Award For Lifetime Of Crap Contributions To Clip Shows: Gina Yashere I don't think so 32.92% of the overall vote "And joining us tonight on 'Big Brother's Sister's Little Brother's Mother's Brother', it's Roland Rivron, Gina Yashere and Adam Bloom!" - alan strang "If Gina Yashere doesn't win the "crap contributions to clip shows" award then I want an official enquiry." Gazza RUNNERS UP: Iain Lee (28.04%), Andrew Collins (14.63%), Peter Kay (12.19%), David Quantick (12.19%)

Gina Yashere's quite good as an old-school character comic. But she does herself no favours on clips shows. Nobody does, really. And what can you say about clip shows that hasn't been said before? Everyone hates them. Although the biggest annoyance tends not to be the contributors but TV reviewers who use the phrase 'The trouble is, they suck you in'. Which is true, but they say it as if it's a good thing.

Now, we've already had Worst TV Channel, but which is the Least Adventurous Commissioner Of New Comedy? Well, it has to be:

	Least Adventurous Commissioner Of New Comedy: BBC1 Closedown 45% of the overall vote "Public service is bit of a strange remit. Should you try to make sure that you appeal to as many of the public as possible or make sure that you appeal to everyone equally? If it's the former, then commercial broadcasters have exactly the same job, and if it's the latter, then I for one feel profoundly let down." - lardboy "Given the number of slots BBC1 has for comedy (I would guess three times the number that ITV1 get), it is astonishing that they haven't been able to come up with a genuinely good new new sitcom in the last five years. But then, BBC1 drama's been no better in the same period, and factual programming has been a disgrace. BBC1's share of the audience may have rocketed in recent years, but at the expense of the programmes. It's not BBC1's *job* to be top of the ratings. Accidentally, that's fine every now and again, but not by design." - The Mumbler "Public service broadcasting should be like a very good school that you don't have to go to but you sometimes accidentally wander into. It gives you what you need (according to people like Jonathan Miller and Richard Dawkins, who are BETTER THAN YOU - deal with it), not what you want (tits and shouting and vomit). It should be elitist - there's no other reason for it to exist. The dumb stuff grows on trees." - pewter_oboe RUNNERS UP: Channel 4 (40%), BBC3 (15%)

People scoff at ITV comedy, even though ITV has produced some of our finest sitcoms and sketch shows. But BBC1? They're far worse, even though their legacy is much better. Shows like According to Bex or Ben Elton's Blessed are cited as cheap examples of 'crap sitcoms', but the fact is they should be really good. Twenty years ago, Only Fools and Horses was the standard. Ten years ago, it was One Foot In The Grave. What happened?

Okay, we're going to cause some more injury to Marc Wootton for the sake of labouring an old Kenny Everett joke. See you on the next page.

FX: CRACK SNAP ARRRGGH