Most Shameless Critical Volte-Face: Alison Graham Eee, the price of fish, I don't know 38.46% of the overall vote "I get the impression she doesn't have the ability to fully understand what she's watching, she knows that she laughs but not at anything beyond the surface jokes." - Regular John "One of my favourite incisive, for want of a better word, reviews that Graham did was for The Shield - she gave it a pick of the day but admiitted that she found it as confusing as the offside rule and couldn't understand what was happening." - Ignatius_S " Her reviews of everything by Lucas & Walliams, and Peter Kay are pretty tiresome too, as they always consist of 'Comic genius...tears of laughter...Bolton's favourite comedian.' And her championing of almost every British comedy show is an annoying habit she must have picked up in the hope that every bachelor comedian will want to be interviewed by her." - Hoogstraten'sSmilingUlcer RUNNERS UP: Jonathan Ross (32.5%), Mark Lawson (28.29%)

Now, I've admired Alison Graham ever since she became successful. She tells it like it is - if Nighty Night is doing well in the ratings it's 'wickedly funny', and if it's doing badly it's 'joyless'. And if she's not sure, she says 'Time will tell' and waits for everyone else to make fools of themselves first. She knows absolutely nothing about television, but boy can she fill 500 words.

And then there's Mark Lawson - a man with a vested interest in current television continually being seen as 'important', but who becomes visibly terrified in the presence of someone who knows more about the subject than him - the little white dot, for instance.

And of course there's me. What did I think of Extras? Um... it's one to watch.

Now, back to DVDs for The Young Ones Award For Most Infuriating Editing Of Old Comedy Shows, and who could forget this monstrosity:

	The Young Ones Award For Most Infuriating Editing Of Old Comedy Shows: Vic Reeves' Big Night Out DVD They wouldn't let it lie 42.85% of the overall vote "to be honest it just annoys me how such highly regarded comedians as vic and bob can be dealt such little respect." - Goldentony "Episode 7, series 2 - Bob has his very own desk - Vic is jealous and the 2 are thinking out loud, with Vic thinking up ways to make Bob's desk his own - his line 'Find out which method i use after the break ' has been totally removed and the curtains close after the 2nd to last line. Stupidly, once the curtains reopen, the first thing Vic says is along the lines of welcome back to part 2, rendering the edit absolutely fucking useless & pointless. Pathetic." - Roy*Mallard "Sorry, but when a matter of presentation gets as far as cutting out lines, it's become outright vandalism." - Muteki "Cutting anything out is... well, it goes against nearly everything that DVDs should be about � the idea is that they offer more than you expect." - Jemble Fred "This is like a parody of the worst DVD in the world." - Emergency Lalla Ward Ten RUNNERS UP: DOGs and credit-squeezing generally (32.85%), Comic Strip Presents... DVD (24.28%)

Yes, Vic Reeves Big Night Out. Arguably one of the most important comedy shows of the 90s and one which I personally helped get onto the screen. And yet did you hear me object to this release? No, you'd never get me being so nerdy. Not any more.

The worst thing is that there was no reason for the cuts. If they'd left the shows intact (which would have involved less work), both the casual fans and the 'nerds' would have been happy. As it is, only the casual fans are happy.

We should also mention the Comic Strip Presents... DVD set - video masters used instead of proper prints is one thing, but some were actually re-cut. And the short version of The Supergrass was included, in the wrong ratio. All justified with 'Well it's nice to have them all in one box' type idiotspeak.

And DOGs? Well, I'm sorry, I can't agree with that at all. What you have to realise, in the increasingly competitive multi-channel age, is that I have a nice cushy little job and so I'm going to justify everything the BBC does and then use lots of smiley faces to show how nice I am.

Ugh. Okay, back into character, and time for the Most Annoyingly Self-Obsessed Chat Show Guest award. And it's another one for dear old Ricky Gervais:

	Most Annoyingly Self-Obsessed Chat Show Guest: Ricky Gervais Salesman 58.02% of the overall vote "I've mentioned this many times before, but Gervais once appeared on Ross's Radio 2 show to plug an appearance on Parkinson." - Beloved Aunt ""I'm pretty sure there will be people in the industry that dismiss these "awards" as snobbery or elitism but perhaps they should realise just how low standards have dropped for TV comedy in the past few years. Take it as constructive critcism and try challenging the viewer a little more. Not Gervais though, he should just fuck off." - Liam Gibson RUNNERS UP: David Walliams (32.09%), Martin Freeman (9.87%)

Are you pleased, Ricky? Yeah, I am. Although I'd rather play down the number of awards I'm getting, to be honest. Really? Yeah. You can see me playing it down on GMTV, Richard and Judy, ITN News, Friday Night with Jonathan Ross, Razzle, Horse and Hound... That's great, Ricky. Anything else to add? Spazzies. Marvellous. What's up next? Oh, look out, it's the award for the Long-Running Comedy Show Which Should Be Killed Off

	Long-Running Comedy Show Which Should Be Killed Off: They Think It's All Over It is now 46.91% of the overall vote "Had it's moments before Nick Hancock left, now is so saturated with faux applause after every answer that it sickens the soul." - Big Jack McBastard "How about they let Paul Merton present this, and Nick Hancock present Room 101 again?" - Bert Thung RUNNERS UP: Have I Got News For You (29.62%), Never Mind The Buzzcocks (23.45%)

Ghastly show, and I say that as someone who used to be on it all the time. Maybe I still am actually. I don't know - I haven't watched it for ages.

Have I Got News For You though, a show which, having sacked the baby with the bathwater, struggles on regardless. The initial novelty of the guest-host wore off very quickly and the usual adrenalin shots of Boris Johnson are starting to have little effect now since the show's very aimlessness acts as its own immune system. 'Why don't they settle down and choose a permanent host', people cry. Because if they did then no bugger would bother watching at all.

Right... Worst Camera-work then:

	Worst Camera-work: Green Wing Bip, bip, bip, bip, beeeeeeeep 55% of the overall vote "Worthless, irredeemable shit, awkwardly contrary about its own identity - doesn't work as a sitcom, a sketch show or anything at all inbetween. A nasty clash of styles too - the sequence where Mark Heap begins to batter Michelle Gomez around set itself up as extremely high camp, but then tried to combine this convincingly with the deadpan shocked expression tradition via Sarah Alexander and That Bloke. Extremely muddled and pointlessly strange direction." - benthalo "Thieving fuckers." - Benny Hill "Will Jim Shelley have his preview tapes shoved up his arse? Time will tell..." - Emergency Lalla Ward 10 RUNNERS UP: Nathan Barley (28.75%), The Thick Of It (16.25%)

Ah yes. C4's Green Wing. Take a mediocre sitcom, one on about the same level as Drop the Dead Donkey or The Thin Blue Line, and shake it all about a bit. Voila - a show that looks better than it actually is and satisfies some kind of 'innovation' remit, leading some people to wonder whether they stuck in all those fast-forwardy bits to save the viewer the trouble of doing it themselves. Who knows, maybe Series 2 could take that idea one step further and automatically switch over to UK Gold after the first five minutes.

Ah. Now this is a favourite of mine. And also the only joint-winner of a Tumbleweed. The Most Ridiculous PR Dressed Up As 'Fan' Correspondence award:

	Most Ridiculous PR Dressed Up As 'Fan' Correspondence (or Most Pathetically Obvious Piece Of Viral Marketing): Radio Times letters page Fan fiction 37.66% of the overall vote "You're comparing chalk and cheese! You're comparing steak and kidney! You're comparing two comedy sketch shows and attempting to isolate the differences in their attitudes, both in terms of artistic creativity and the way the industry now sells them - so I'm going to reduce it to a discussion about fruit.." - alan strang "My 80 year old grandmother, six year old daughter and two year old cat all love watching the show, especially the unique way the format caters creatively for the terrestrial heartland demographic. Oops, left the iron on!" - Vera Viral, The Outer Hebrides "It is quite bizarre that this sort of thing goes on, isn't it? Is it actually organised by the programme makers or is it just some runner with low self-esteem who's doubting his worth after drinking too much wine alone?" - imitationleather Balls of Steel supporter on CaB The internet circa 1999 37.66% of the overall vote "Hello. Had to come on here, Its like a retirement home for the failed dreams of disenfranchised TV producers and ugly white boy comedy geeks. Look fella's, Balls of Steel is a funny TV show. The public - who you all hate with passion actually like it. I know you think you are `better' than everyone. But you aren't I'm afraid. The shows getting good ratings and everyone who isn't a jaded would be comedy scientist is enjoying it. Its not big or clever, but its fucking funny. If you don't like it why not listen to some of your old Chris Morris radio shows instead . Teen angst in men over 21 is kind of sad. Next friday do the following. Talk to a woman for more than 10 minutes, don't touch a computer ALL day, have a couple of laqers, watch Balls of Steel with your mates. You'll never have to visit a `forum' again." - Someone from Objective Productions "Christ... why don't you all just have a wank and chill the fuck out... It's an entertaining show you silly twats. I was involved with the show and I am better than you... I'd tell you all to go fuck yourselves but if it was physically possible to do so you probably already would have. Oh, and i've just changed my mind... Go fuck yourselves. ;)" - Someone else from Objective Productions RUNNERS UP: Nathan Barley supporters on CaB (24.67%)

Yes, people trying to shout down or smother awkward arguments by pretending to be members of the public. As insulting as it is unconvincing.

Now I can't believe we've got all the way through the awards without me making a dig at a safe target. You've probably seen me do it in my opening monologue at the real Comedy awards - I scoff at some 'failed' comedy show simply so they can cut to a reaction shot of Ronnie Ancona looking confused on Table 4. This is supposed to make me look like a boat-rocking wag, but the truth is I only ever pick commonly-accepted turkeys anyway. According To Bex or Duck Patrol, that sort of thing. So in time-honoured fashion, we present The Jonathan Ross Award For Universally Accepted 'Bad Show' That It's Safe To Knock:

	The Jonathan Ross Award For Universally Accepted 'Bad Show' That It's Safe To Knock: My Hero Mork and Mindy for the 90s 49.10% of the overall vote "There's no point in slagging off stuff like My Hero or whatever because, as far as I can see, nobody's going around proclaiming My Hero to be genius. After all, if you only measured things against how bad they *could* be then pretty much everything would be praiseworthy." - Emergency Lalla Ward Ten "People can knock My Hero and My Family and whatever other incomparable shows they like, but at least they seem to be aware of how to make people laugh, even if their audience are children, gullible women and witless cretins." - Shoulders?-Stomach! RUNNERS UP: My Family (36.70%), Blessed (15.18%)

Yes, My Hero, anyone? Killer of a thousand online debates. Its 'safe to knock' crown is of course in no danger of slipping any time soon, especially since it was announced that James 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' Dreyfus is to take over from Ardal O'Hanlon for the next series. Surely the most ridiculous decision since the announcement that James 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' Dreyfus was to take over from Kenneth Williams in the new series of Willo The Wisp. I mean, come on, James 'Gimme Gimme Gimme' Dreyfus, anyone?

Right, two to go. I'm getting a bit bored now and I want to go off and read some Robert Crumb comics or something. Let's get through it quickly. First The Ricky Gervais Award For The Comedian Who Should Just Give Up And Piss Off. Surely if there was ever an award with Ricky Gervais' name on it then it's this one. Well, don't be fooled by appearences:

	The Ricky Gervais Award For The Comedian Who Should Just Give Up And Piss Off: Leigh Francis / Avid Merrion Someone on acid, on acid 46.25% of the overall vote "The spawn of a vile Z-list celeb creating show takes the reigns of a rotten comedy horse, rides it into the dust, then serves up the bones, eyeballs and arsehole for yet another round of public consumption" - Big Jack McBastard "It possesses the gaiety and charm of a mucky book." - Ignatius_S RUNNERS UP: Ricky Gervais (21.25%), Noel Fielding (11.25%), Jimmy Carr (11.25%), Ben Elton (6.25%), Paul Merton (3.75%)

Well, enough said. Although I think he has pissed off already. He's not been round my house since I put the barbed wire up anyway. Paul Merton should definitely leave the building though, and so should the HIGNFY audience who cackle at everything he says like a huge tidal wave of white noise.

And finally we acknowledge the comedy value in non-comedy with the Most Unintentionally Hilarious Programme award. Lots of nominees, but one clear, runaway victor:

	Most Unintentionally Hilarious Programme: Ultimate Force Blinky blonky blimey 12.5% of the overall vote INSERT COMMENTS HERE RUNNERS UP: Most Haunted (8.75%), ITV News (10%), N Ireland 1 England 0 (7.5%), The Jeremy Kyle Show (7.5%), Crimewatch UK (6.25%), Newsnight Review (5%), Question Time (5%), Julie Burchill's "Chavs" (5%), Tonight With Trevor McDonald (6.25%), Channel 4 News, Children In Need (2.5%), BBC News (3.75%), Comic Relief (1.25%), Doctor Who (2.5%), Life Of Mammals (1.25%), X Factor (3.75%), Home And Away (1.25%)

Ultimate Force? I don't even know what that is. Write your own pithy comments in the box provided.

Well, that's all we've got time for. But what an evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm sure there can be little doubt that this year's Tumbleweeds have provided a shining example for anyone who wishes to pay their ultimate tribute to the clag, the toss and the utterly awful in the glittering firmament which we call modern comedy. I'm so excited I could spew it all back up and smear it over myself.

For a list of honorary mentions of all those nominations that 'bubbled under', go to this page. To discuss the general Tumbleweeds results, go to this page here. To buy some Colin's Crabsticks, go to any good supermarket with the special coupon given away free in this week's Radio Times and get 5p off. Limited offer. Pats pending.

Join us again, same time next year, when the lucky winners will include Series 2 of Green Wing, Holness & Ayoade's Deano's After Dark, Zeppotron's The Law of the Playground, Graham Linehan's The IT Crowd and Charlie Brooker's The Button Show. And if you can't wait that long, simply pop over to Cook'd & Bomb'd's Comedy Chat for an ongoing preview.

And so, as the night-buses arrive to escort our lucky winners to the glittering after-show party being held outside the late-night chippy across the street we bid you all goodnight and God bless.

CUT TO WOOTTON IN DEEP PAIN

Can someone call me an ambulance now please? Ta.