Worst Panel Show: 8 Out Of 10 Cats Furballs 43.37% of the overall vote "Last night's C4 linky voice said 8 out of 10 cats was going to contain "provocative humour." This appeared to be their catch-all for post pc rudeness of the Carr variety and whatever embarrassing views might spew out of past BB contestants." - Almost Yearly "...As for 8 Out of 10 Cats, didn't we agree it was alright to watch it so long as we turned over every time Sean Lock wasn't speaking? " - Surferghost RUNNERS UP: They Think It's All Over (40.96%), Never Mind The Buzzcocks (15.66%)

Go on, I challenge you - quote one joke from it, go on. Just one. You can't, can you? You seem to remember the show featured some funny banter, but it's all gone now.

Sums up TV execs' attitude to stand-up, anyway. They can't just stick a camera in a comedy club and film some acts - that would be far too entertaining. They've got to give them a formula to 'bounce off'. Which means wall-to-wall 'I went to a dyslexic rave and scored some Fs'-type middlebrow tiresomeness.

In fact, the same problem can be said of the winner of our Worst Clip Show/Talking Head Show award:

	Worst Clip Show/Talking Head Show: The Comic Side of 7 Days Couldn't they have rested for all seven? 44.59% of the overall vote "Essentially "I LOVE LAST WEEK" with cringeworthy comedy lists and "factfile" shit." - Regular John "There is something odious and rather wet about modern satire. It's not just about lacking teeth or not making controversial jokes, it's the utter lack of a Fuck You attitude." - Hoogstraten'sSmilingUlcer "Clive Anderson used to have this done and dusted, and with more and better jokes too, before the first ad break of his C4 show." - TJ RUNNERS UP: Room 101 (39.18%), Vic Reeves' Best And Worst Of God (16.21%)

Here, comedians do their 'routines' while looking slightly off camera. It's like being at a party and overhearing someone trying to pass off prepared material as natural conversation. At least at a party, there's some kind of audience involved.

Room 101 is another show which suffers from the vanity of TV producers who just can't leave things alone - they need their showreel to illustrate that they can do 'visual stuff', so the comedy itself always suffers. On radio, Room 101 would feature Danny Baker deconstructing the lyrics of 'Shaft' and was hilarious. On TV, it's an excuse for well-worn 'funny' TV clips and tiresome prop gags. Their pitiful selection of recent guests also suggests they're starting to have real trouble getting people to participate in the first place.

Worst Sketch Show? Well, a second one for them tonight:

	Worst Sketch Show: Spoons A Zeppotron "sketch" "show" 54.87% of the overall vote "I mean, for God's sake - comedy about relationships. The bar is quite high, what with, say, a dozen first-class Woody Allen films. This wasn't even trying - unless you consider various euphemisms for shagging a worthwhile way to fill 25 minutes. Clearly, Webster, Caudell, Brooker and Holmes haven't moved on from The 11 O'Clock Show." - The Mumbler 'Women, don't expect any jokes from Zeppotron.' - Neil "I fucking hate Spoons, and you can quote me. Kind Regards." - Richard Strachan RUNNERS UP: Monkey Trousers (23.17%), Little Britain (21.95%)

Now, another thing that's awful about Spoons is that�

ENTER THE CEO OF COLIN'S CRABSTICKS. Oh, I can't believe it, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for the show to really begin - the CEO from Colin's Crabsticks, who are sponsoring the Tumblweeds tonight, is here to say hello. Make some noise for him! Rock 'n' roll! We are not worthy! AUDIENCE SILENT AS BEFORE Go on, laugh at him - he doesn't work in the media like us! Cackle at his corporateness, even though we're just as bad. Sneer! Scoff! Throw profiteroles at his tie! AUDIENCE STILL SILENT Ah-ha, alright. OK, Colin, piss off. Oh dear, something aaaaalways goes wrong!

When you hear the words Worst Overall Comedy, I bet even the Dalai Lama immediately thinks of Balls of Steel. We've given them too much exposure already this evening, so I'll let these quotes do the talking...

	Worst Overall Comedy: Balls Of Steel Farmyard 39.75% of the overall vote "It shits on me that the people involved with these futile and asinine shows have the arrogance of someone who has achieved something superlative, like sweet-talking God into rimming them, for example. These inchoate babies have done their media courses, sauntered around their faux-studios, pressing buttons that power nothing, muttering media argot into walkie talkies that must be returned to the box at the end and trying to appear the most engrossed in their transient purpose, trying to maintain a solemn expression that somehow constitutes dedication." - ffogems "This programme made me sick and although I pretty much loathe the rest at least they weren't plagued with the Nintendo DS things which makes people think that *this* is fresh new comedy at every ad break." - Banana Woofwoof "The sad thing is that the audience correctly identified the man stapling his tongue to some paper as the best act. This was intelligent compared with the rest of the show." - Johnny Yesno RUNNERS UP: High Spirits With Shirley Ghostman (32.53%%), Max and Paddy (12.04%), Extras (8.43%), Nathan Barley (7.22%)

As for the Most Useless Talk/Panel Show Guest... well, there were so many to choose from. Most of them from my "green" "room". However this man...

	Most Useless Talk/Panel Show Guest: Shirley Ghostman on The Jonathan Ross Show Care in the community 43.90% of the overall vote "Even Wossy stopped the obligitary arse-licking halfway through, he was that poor." - Lee "I hope Wooton nevers gets work again after that." - Braintree "Ross looks like he's in severe pain from that aching cheek syndrome you get when talking for a very long time to somebody who is roughly 1/2000th as amusing as they think they are. The audience seemed to have given up and started talking amongst themselves in the middle of it too." - CuntsofGold "Heartwarming to see how quickly and conclusively Shirley Ghostman was dropped from the Beeb's hype machine, about the only right move the BBC has made." - Blumf "When the 'kick the spastics' school of comedy finally falls from grace - and there will come a mighty reckoning - let's hope that everyone remembers that Marc Wootton has based his entire career thus far on tormenting other people and holding them up for ridicule." - TJ RUNNERS UP: Justin Lee Collins (28.04%), Jimmy Carr (28.04%)

...takes the crown. Yes, I recommended he was booked for my show. It was a moment of madness, ladies and gentlemen, and it'll never happen again. Well, not unless he suddenly becomes really popular, or does a film with Steve Coogan or something.

Now, Most Disappointing Return to Comedy, Most Disappointing Comedy, and Most Disappointing Comedian. These awards are in recognition of comedy artistes whose past work suggests they should know better. One man has scored the hat trick, ladies and gentlemen.

	Most Disappointing Return To Comedy Chris Morris (Nathan Barley) Thanks Chiseley 82.92% of the overall vote "Six episodes of fuzz, nothing, making no point, not funny, not well-written, riddled with plot holes, empty characters, terrible direction- it's disappointing, depressing and all the rest." - Banana Woofwoof "Man he seen it comin like in bug powder dust, but he couldnt avoid it himself, part of it now dude." Rootin' Tootin' Raspberry RUNNERS UP: Ben Elton (Blessed) (13.41%), Ronnie Barker (Two Ronnies Sketch-Book) (3.65%)

	Most Disappointing Comedy: Nathan Barley A selfish Cunt parody 66.66% of the overall vote "It is quite hard to despise the likes of Noel Fielding, Richard Ayoade and Spencer Brown, although I found their performances in Nathan Barley to be pretty shocking. They are simply awful actors/comedians unfortunate enough to be involved in a dreadfully written, sadly off-target production from someone who should be able to see his cast's blatant inadequacies. Perhaps there is simply a dearth of comic acting talent around, in which case, don't even bother until you find actors capable enough. The whole thing smacked of 'this'll do.' How Morris' critical faculties let him down so severely is still beyond me. I was pretty disappointed to get an email from one of my friends who told me I was wrong about it. 'No,' she said, 'Chris Morris is still cleverer than all of us.' Sadly not, love" - grrraymond "Bus Driver: I don't know, that Nathan Barley. (To camera) Him and his accursed breed need a satirical show to shame them for the idiots they are." - Sexton Brackets Drugbust "The biggest problem with Nathan Barley, ironically, was that it wasn't quite bad enough; it wasn't quite loathesome, unfunny or boring enough to conclude that something somewhere along the line had gone horribly wrong, and unfortunately it suggested quite heavily that it had actually turned out exactly how it was supposed to." - TJ "DAN: Did you know that there are loads of people on the Internet who hate us? / NATHAN: No way! That's well keyboard! " - Hemorrhoid Shark RUNNERS UP: Blessed (18.51%), Extras (14.81%)

	Most Disappointing Comedian(s): Chris Morris Happy now? 44.57% of the overall vote "DAN: Yes. They say we have no purpose, are undefined, and lack any sympathetic qualities. / NATHAN: Totally mahogany!" - Hemorrhoid Shark "What gets me more than anything is the laziness of the whole show. How can something that took that long to make look like it was written in a weekend? Scenes that go nowhere, plots that meander. And where's the original mind Morris used to have? Tramp fighting is bad, trendy people are idiots. A fourteen year old could come up with the same ideas in an essay." - Bert Thung "Barley was the sort of thing he would have been parodying ten years ago." - Morgan "Oh for fuck's sake. Have you even read 'The Two Ronnie's Comedy Annual 1976? Or listened to the DVD commentary to The Young Ones Series 3 Episide 5? Because if you had you'd realise just how wrong you are in so many ways. If you understood, you'd realise that Morris what at his zenith as a dj on Greater London Radio and was almost certainly even better on Radio Bristol, if we could only get the tapes." - thatmuch RUNNERS UP: Matt Lucas and David Walliams (37.34%), Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimer (18.07%)

Now, the real Jonathan Ross is still making his mind up about Nathan Barley. He'll decide what he thinks when he discovers whether it's getting a second series or not. Which it obviously isn't.

But Jesus, Nathan Barley. The show that got the whole nation saying with one voice 'So hang on, why doesn't Dan have keys to his own office?'. It was always going to be hopeless - a 'satire' on media twats written by alumni from Zeppotron and Talkback. I mean, that was the one and only joke. But the scene with the cat and the scissors raised a wry smile, so that makes it OK.

Oh, they also get this award - for Most Patronising/Annoying Reaction Shots In A Comedy Show:

	Most Patronising/Annoying Reaction Shots In A Comedy Show: Nathan Barley Egg?! 43.75% of the overall vote "Nathan Barley was proof that Chris Morris' standards have dropped to the point that he probably will never make anything funny again, which is a terrible shame and I take no pleasure in saying it." - Michael Mealor "DAN REACTS" - Everyone on Verbwhores "As you were. Got to put the potatoes on." - Charlie Brooker RUNNERS UP: Spoons (35%), Extras (21.25%)

For all those DAN REACTS cutaways. Laughter tracks are patronising, apparently, but these kind of 'Laugh here' inserts are OK. Because they look really cool, just like it's from a movie or an advert or something.

Also serving up the disappointment were these guys, winners of our Most Over-Rated Show award :

	Most Over-Rated Show: Little Britain Curry and Chips 90s style 58.53% of the overall vote "Little Britain is the tragic sight of two talented people grabbing an easy meal ticket and realising that they don't have to bother anymore. There are loads of comedy shows that I just shrug at, but Little Britain is the only one I actually hate." - Rev "Lucas and Walliams designed the catchphrases so that people could endlesly repeat them without having to look too hard for really excellent material in the series. This is what angers me when I hear large groups of teenagers in my local town centre shouting "Computer says no!" - they may as well be dressed up as the 118 runners. " - Beloved Aunt RUNNERS UP: Nighty Night (17.07%), Extras (15.85%), Curb Your Enthusiasm (8.53%)

They've got funny bones somewhere within them - anyone who saw Rock Profile, or heard the radio series of Little Britain knows that. So what happened? The gross-out sketches aren't the problem - a good gross-out sketch can be very funny, if it's juxtaposed with different stuff. But there's nothing else there. All the weirdness has been smoothed out into one big, tabloid-friendly, BBC3-justifying franchise. All the strange quickies and one-offs have gone, solely in order to push the 'success' button.

Plus, there's the character 'Ting Tong'. If she was from a 1975 sketch show, it would be dismissed as 'dodgy', just like a character from Mind Your Language. But because it's from the big success story of Little Britain and nobody wants to spoil the party, the obvious racism is glossed over. I mean, 'Ting Tong' for God's sake. Look me in the eyes and tell me that's OK.

Time for another break now, but do stay tuned. The night has only just begun.

FX: CRACK. MARC WOOTTON SCREAMS AGAIN.

There goes the other arm...