How to describe this? An all-female dance troupe who bear more than a little resemblance to Hot Gossip (referred to in the end-credits as 'Tepid Chitchat' (yay) and who, like their doppelgangers, are choreographed by Arlene Phillips) wiggle, gyrate and thrust around a fat man in an armchair (Willoughby Goddard) who's busily reading a paper.

While all this ensues, the following captions scroll up the screen:

	Rt Hon DAVID ENNALS PC MP Seen here working in his office as usual. Helping to put the Health Service back on its feet Yes... These are the facts... Pain is nature's way of telling you you're an NHS patient Go into hospital for a complete rest. Become a hospital porter These nurses are moonlighting. A hospital porter can earn £5000 pw. Ask Jimmy Saville [sic] Private beds to be abolished In future, anyone will be allowed to get into anyone else's at any time. Hospital ancilliary workers believe in a fair day's work for a fair week's pay Newcastle man offers organ to medical science Then says he wants to sleep on it first Prevention is better than cure That's why the Government is closing down hospitals - to prevent people being cured Not The Nine O'Clock News: withdrawn Show 1 (02/04/79)

The real David Ennals was Secretary of State for Health 1976-79 and later became Lord Ennals. He died in 1995.

One of the oddest things about this abandoned show is that the writing style isn't too far removed from that used in the eventual series, just that its presentation here seems awkward or lacking in focus, almost like they haven't yet quite worked out what point they're making.. The caption jokes quoted above for instance wouldn't seem out of place within a Pamela Stephenson/Mel Smith newsreader insert.

Interestingly, the entire dance sequence was re-used in Show 5 of the first series, with the NHS caption jokes removed and replaced with a reference to "Sir James Goldsmith working at 'Now' magazine helping to make Britain great again". Perhaps as an in-jokey comment about how the footage in question could be used to back up all manner of topical jokes there followed several further interpretations, including Joshua Nkomo before he bought the sunlamp", "The Night Shift at British Leyland", "The Time Out critic pretending to be at the cinema" and - as a private dig at the success of one of John Lloyd's chums - "Douglas Adams and some of his accountants".

The version as presented in the series also added some swirly video effects to the first thirty seconds of the dance routine.

Character actor Willougby Goddard was television's stock 'fat bloke' at the time, showing up in loads of Thames, ITC and Southern serials. He would later make a second appearance in Not The Nine O'Clock News, as the bearded man bouncing around in the 'Non-Diet Pepsi' sketch. He also appeared in The Black Adder episode 'The Queen of Spain's Beard' as the Archbishop.

UPDATED NOTE: 'Yay', we said above, in reference to the amusing Hot Gossip/'Tepid Chitchat' pun. But what the Not The Nine... team probably didn't realise is that a very similar pun had appeared mere weeks previously on an actual edition of The Kenny Everett Video Show (Series 2, Show 4 - 12/03/79). This self-parodic sequence - captioned 'Cold Chat' - featured Everett (in a variety of skimpy girly outfits) jiggling opposite one of the moustachioed male dancers from Hot Gossip.

STOCK FILM: QUEEN APPLAUDS

Stock film of a miserable-looking monarch applauding in tandem with the genuine studio applause for the previous sketch. This was also dropped into the first series, notably in Show 1, as a regal response to the opening 'Kenny Everett' sketch, and later as a post-credits insert where Hardie overdubbed the sound of a lone-clapper.

IRISH FOOTBALL RESULTS

Voiceover and caption as per actual football results. "Tipperary Rovers 343, Limerick Academicals 475. Both sides were playing at home".

The joke was re-performed in the eventual series with a different graphic and performer. It also featured on the Not The Least Of... compilation.

PRIESTS #2

Very brief clip of Gorman and Godwin as the two priests still trying to remember His name. The re-performed version in the series also returned to the priests' confusion a couple of times throughout the show. It also managed to cap the joke by having Langham emit an exasperated "Jesus Christ" at the end. If this final remark was performed for the untransmitted show then it didn't make it to the edit.

NEWSCASTER

Another quickie from the best technology 1979 could offer:

PUPPET BOB HOPE

As per the Spitting Image-esque Denis Healey, this time with Bob Hope (although we did wonder briefly whether it could be Gerald Ford).

	HOPE Hiah. I bring greetings from ex-President Nixon. I played golf with him last week and he seems much better since his operation. He went into hospital to have his paranoids removed. Now Jimmy Carter says he hopes to put a man on Jupiter. His brother Billy. But I must say I just love the way you do things here in England - it's so civilised. Yesterday I opened an account with a mugger! Say, it's a real bother buying stuff in London with all these Arabs about shoplifting. I hear one got fined the other day when he walked out of Harrods without paying for it. Yesterday I ran into Roddy Llewelyn and he gave me a free copy of his LP. Y'know, I feel sorry for him - he's been kissed by a Princess but he still sings like a frog. And aren't your British Rail price rises terrible? I hear one commuter got so depressed he threw himself in front of the 8.12 to Waterloo... he was killed at 11.37 the following Friday. Not The Nine O'Clock News: withdrawn Show 1 (02/04/79)

Interestingly the 'Harrods' joke made it to the first show of Series 1 - conveyed by the Swiss Centre newscaster, suggesting that they had two options on how to present it for the pilot and plumped for Bob Hope.

STOCK FOOTAGE: JOSHUA NKOMO

Stock footage of Nkomo playing football and clapping his hands along with the studio applause for the previous item.

NEWSCASTER

Another introduction to the following item, reading:

GREENLAND ELECTIONS

Scratchy stock footage of Arctic wastes, Eskimos et al, introduces a Heinz Sielman-style nature documentary. The German-voiced narration (which was earlier pilloried by John Cleese in Flying Circus and later by Christopher Barrie in Son Of Cliche in a sketch about hunting doner kebabs) describes how Great Britain isn't the only country with a general election pending:

	VOICEOVER This is Greenland, the dandruffed forelock of the world. A land of opposites - on the one hand desolate expanses of snowbound wastes, and just opposite, more desolate expanses of snowbound wastes. SHOT OF FORBIDDING ICY LANDSCAPE But today Greenland is in the grips of election fever. This is Godsatt, the bustling capital, now under a hundred feet of uncleared snowdrifts due to a strike of grit lorry drivers. SHOT OF MOUNTAIN CLIMBERS SCALING ICY ROCKFACE AND CONVENING AT THE TOP. THEY CHECK MAPS AND TRACKING EQUIPMENT. As polling approaches, party workers climb up over the rooftops to set up their campaign headquarters on the icecap. There, they plan their election strategy. SHOT OF GREENLANDER HITTING SOME HUSKIES WITH A STICK. THEN, SHOT OF A SECOND GREENLANDER CARRYING A CHILD. The leaders of Greenland's two main political parties differ greatly in appeal and style. Nono Nanook, the man on the left, identifies with the underdog. His opponent, Lars Bugaloo, adopts a more conservative approach. SHOT OF GREENLANDER DRAWING ODD SYMBOLS IN THE SNOW, INCLUDING ONE WHICH CONSISTS OF TWO VERTICAL LINES WITH DOTS DOWN EACH SIDE. From every ice flow, his slogans exhort the electorate to keep their options wide open and their fly-buttons firmly closed. SHOTS OF SNOWY DUNES AND GREENLANDERS ON SLEDS PULLED BY HUSKIES. In a land where many of the constituencies have no constituents, the Greenlanders have evolved their own electoral system. Instead of the voters going to the polls, the polls go to the voters. SHOT OF GREENLANDER CARRYING A BOX. When elections are due, the returning officer sets off on his four-year trek around the island to collect the votes. ANOTHER SHOT OF HUSKIES PULLING GREENLANDERS ON SLEDS. Already in front of him, the two party leaders who will try to get to the electors first. SHOT OF MAN BUILDING AN IGLOO Whenever the returning officer encounters a voter, he is obliged by law to construct a polling booth. This is his sixteenth today. SHOT OF MAN WAVING HUSKIES AN PEOPLE PAST. Then, the comings and goings of every voter are checked by a teller, by which time the candidates are on their way again... CLOSE UP OF BACK OF SLED WHICH HAS SOME KIND OF COUNTER FOR MEASURING DISTANCE ...a close check being kept on their mileage to ensure they do not fiddle their election expenses. SHOT OF SLEDS, ETC, ENDING ON A CLOSE UP OF A LARGE COMPASS. With them travel the press, led inevitably by the ubiquitous Professor Ruul MacKenzie, with his swingometer. And other studio gadgets. SHOT OF ARCTIC SUNSET, THEN SLEDS TRAVELLING AGAINST THE SUNSET. And so at last the lengthy election procedure draws to its close, and when the last vote is in the ballot box, the candidates follow the returning officer back to Godsatt for the final count. This is a terribly exciting moment, for after four years, the final result is somewhere on that sledge. CLOSE UP OF HUSKIES PULLING THE SLED They say it's a cliff-hanger, this result. The world waits on tenter-hooks to know what the result might be. SEVERAL SHOTS OF THE SLED FALLING DOWN A CAVERN IN THE ICE Alas... we will never know. Not The Nine O'Clock News: withdrawn Show 1 (02/04/79)

WORCESTER 1641

A still photo of the exterior of a castle at night and the above title as a caption. The sound of horses clip-clopping to a halt. An angry voice shouts. "Alright, Your Majesty, you're surrounded. Now, come out with your head under your arm!" An educated audience pisses themselves.

Now, an armchair historian might simply remark "Of course - a reference to Cromwell and Charles the First being beheaded and that. Very droll!" Except the date is incorrect - Charles I wasn't actually beheaded until 30/01/1649 (info courtesy of Ye Olde Marke Lewisohne Almanac of Moderne Muse).

Adding to the confusion, when the joke was redone for the series - for the amusingly-too-early Christmassy-themed Show 5 (06/11/79), the caption was changed to 'Christmas 1646'. Well, who's counting?

MP'S SPEECH

Fourteen and a half minutes in and Rowan Atkinson finally makes his first appearance in the television comedy show which will eventually make him a star.

Although it was never broadcast as part of Not The Nine O'Clock News, comedy fans know this Curtis-penned sketch well as it was a favourite in Rowan Atkinson's one-man revue of the time. There are three-known versions of it, the first being in the 1979 Radio 3 series The Atkinson People (the longest-known version, including a brilliantly dextrous detour where the character tries to cover up a swear word), the second being Atkinson's appearance on The Royal Variety Performance the following year (07/11/80, the TV broadcast being 23/11/80), and the third recorded in the summer of 1980 for the Live In Belfast album. This final incarnation is perhaps the best-known, where the character has been christened Sir Marcus Browning MP.

	A GRIMACING CROSS-EYED MP IS ABOUT TO ADDRESS AN ELECTION GATHERING. BUNTING DECORATES THE BACKGROUND, ALONG WITH A LARGE SIGN WHICH READS 'IT'S YOUR VOTE'. HE SPEAKS IN EXAGGERATED HAIR-LIPPED TONES WITH LOTS OF LIMBS FLAILING. MP (ATKINSON) My Lord Mayor... (MELIFLUOUSLY) My Lady Mayoress... (DOES EXAGGERATED WINK). My Lords, Ladies, Gentlemen, and members of the press, there comes a time when we must all stand up and be counted. I am standing up now, and can be counted. BEAT One! (GRINS, SELF-SATISFIED) And, with an election pending, 'one's are about to become singularly important. Because Britain is facing the gravest constitutional crisis... since 1380! And, you know, many of us still remember the dark days! And if we're going to prevent the lights going out on our lives once more, we must ask ourselves crucial questions! PAUSE, FLOUNDERS, CONSULTS NOTES Where are we? How did we get here? Why did we come? Where do we want to go? How do we want to get to where we want to go? How far do we have to go before we get to where we want to be? How would we know where we were when we got there? HAVE WE GOT A MAP? PAUSES FOR EFFECT But surely, surely you can see my point. 'Cos what I'm talking about is life. Because life is one of those things, isn't it, that... that most of us find it very difficult to avoid. In the words... in the words of David Dimbleby, "life is uncertain". My life certainly has a certain uncertaincy about it. And I'm certain that yours does to, and with your uncertaincy, and my uncertaincy, there's certainly a certain degree of uncertaincy about... of that we can be... quite sure... CONSULTS NOTES So, as a party we must not be frightened. And we must be prepared for this fight. It is easier for a rich man to pass through the eye of a needle, than it is for a camel to... CONFUSED, CONSULTS NOTES ...that it is for a camel to. Because we don't want to end up, do we, like the blind man, in the dark room, looking for the black cat... that isn't there! Goodnight, thank you very much. Not The Nine O'Clock News: withdrawn Show 1 (02/04/79)

It's interesting to observe how the audience responds to this long monologue. The reaction is adequate enough but strangely muted compared to the wild belly laughs received by some of the less considered material (e.g the 'Topical British Family' piece).

There's a whopping great edit after the line "Have we got a map?" where a chunk of the performance has been removed. On Live In Belfast, Browning continues to ramble ridiculously on the subject of getting-to-places before bellowing "Do we want to stop now? Rhetorical... Or do we want to go right back to the beginning and start all over again? Perhaps not."

Show 1 of the series proper had Atkinson performing a slightly more hard-hitting MP monologue, this time as an oily Young Conservative. The "eye of a needle" joke was reused for this. The latter sketch made it to the 1995 video compilations.

ON THE MOOV

On The Move was a Saturday/Sunday morning TV show which promoted adult literacy. It featured Bob Hoskins and Martin Shaw and boasted a great sig tune. This pre-filmed item parodies the opening title sequence which showed a removal van being loaded up and driving along with the show's title logo emblazoned on the side. A lovely pull-back-and-reveal shows the title spelled incorrectly!

Thankfully the sketch made it to the series - in Show 1 - and also features in the Not The Least Of... compilation.

It should be stated here, with all the plastic opinions surrounding how much Not The Nine O'Clock News has "dated" that, even if one has never heard of On The Move (as indeed we hadn't for years) there is something extremely amusing about that punchline simply as a payoff to the delightful harmonies of a sig tune which goes "On the move, on the move, we're on the move again..."

NEWSCASTER

Back to Leicester Square for another electronically-enhanced one-liner:

"Oi!" - John Lloyd

PRIESTS #3

Another cut back to the two frantically forgetful men of the cloth. "Tall chap with long hair...", squeals Gorman's cleric. Godwin offers a wild stab in the dark: "Robert Powell?" (a reference to Powell's leading role in the 1977 telefantasy classic Jesus Of Nazareth). Gorman counters "Not quite Robert Powell, no - Robert Powell-ish..."

AND ALL BECAUSE THE LADY LOVES...

What late-70s comedy show would be complete without a Milk Tray ad parody. A Hardie-snipped montage of newsfilm featuring the then non-Prime Ministerial Margaret Thatcher at a succession of vote-gathering public appearances intercut with stock shots of Presidential cars, parachutists, aeroplanes, speedboats and a nude hang-glider. The punchline reads "And all because the lady loves... publicity"

The sketch was dropped into Series 1, Show 2 (23/10/79) where it ran under the end-credits.

STOCK FILM: PRINCE PHILLIP

A brief shot of Prince Phillip at some royal function looking a bit dazed (perhaps from watching those Maoris from earlier).

WHEN A SCREW DOES BIRD

Studio sketch performed on a meagre set starring Rowan Atkinson in an unflattering anorak and John Gorman.

	ATKINSON (TO CAMERA) What happens when a screw does bird? Five years ago, this man... INDICATES JOHN GORMAN WHO SEEMS TO BE WRESTLING WITH SOME INNER DEMONS ...was a screw who hated cons. After an "incident" at Strangeways in 1974, he himself was sent to prison for beating a con up. Now he is a con himself, and hates ex-screws... GORMAN PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE STOMACH REPEATEDLY ...so, he's beating himself up. But, as an ex-screw of course, he still hates cons, so that while he's beating himself up, he's also smashing himself to pulp in retaliation. GORMAN (PUNCHING HIMSELF) You dirty swine! You pig! You cad! ATKINSON TAPS HIM ON THE SHOULDER ATKINSON Excuse me. GORMAN Yeah? ATKINSON I wonder if you could tell me, how did you adapt to life as a prisoner? GORMAN Oh, it wasn't easy, pal, it wasn't easy, I'm tellin yer. Well, when they used to lock me up in me room at night, well, for the first few months I thought I was on the outside... SUDDENLY PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE FACE AND FALLS BACKWARD ONTO THE BED ATKINSON When did you... when did you first realise you were a prisoner? GORMAN Whah? Oh. I think it was, er, visiting days when me wife came to visit me every fortnight. Then I realised I was a visitor! (SMACKS HIMSELF IN THE FACE) I mean, prisoner. ATKINSON It must have been a terrible strain. GORMAN Yeah. ATKINSON Tell me, do you not think... do you not regret the way that you betrayed your trust as a prison officer? GORMAN Listen, mate, the policeman that nicked me was bent. He's now doing five years in Durham. The doctor on whose evidence I was sent down has been struck off, is now doing four years at the 'Ville. And the judge that sent me down is doing two years for drunken driving at Durham... PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE STOMACH AGAIN ATKINSON That's appalling. GORMAN 'Tis, innit! ATKINSON Why don't you complain to your MP? GORMAN Good idea! (CALLS ACROSS THE CELL) Hey, Stonehouse, what do you think? PUNCHES HIMSELF IN THE BALLS, KEELS OVER, ETC Not The Nine O'Clock News: withdrawn Show 1 (02/04/79)

Curious that Atkinson's skills as a physical performer aren't really showcased throughout the pilot, particularly in this sketch where Gorman is given the lion's share of the action. The latter's autocue technique is highly questionable here too (although considering the self-inflicted violence that's probably understandable).