The longest and most ambitious sketch of the aborted show, shot entirely on film. Very much satire-by-numbers in intent - in this case 'now, what would happen if the Shah Of Iran did choose to spend his exile in Britain' - but filled with nice, silly visual jokes.

	ONSCREEN NEWSCUTTING FROM THE DAILY TELEGRAPH: 'Sir Shapoor seeks 'refuge' in Britain for the Shah' SHOT OF EXTERIOR OF SEMI-DETATCHED HOUSE VOICEOVER (JONATHAN HYDE) 'Kangaroo Valley'; 'Bedsitter Land', call it what you will, but this suburban semi looks just like any other in London's Earl's Court. Which is why we're more interested in this house. (CAMERA PANS LEFT TO HOUSE NEXT DOOR. WE SEE A SIGN READING 'BED/BREAKFAST, LIMES GUEST HOUSE, TEL 743 6243') Number 32, Rawndrey Terrace. This is the house where his Imperial Majesty Mohammed Reza Pahlavi, Shah of Iran has chosen to settle in his newfound exile. TO THE STRAINS OF TCHAIKOVSKY'S PIANO CONCERTO No. 1 (SEEMINGLY PLAYED BY THE PORTSMOUTH SINFONIA), WE SEE THE 'SHAH OF IRAN' IN FULL MILITARY UNIFORM DECKED WITH MEDALS WALKING DOWN A BACK ALLEY CARRYING A SUITCASE. HE NOTICES IT'S BEGINNING TO RAIN AND PUTS ON A RAINCOAT. WE SEE THAT THE BACK OF HIS UNIFORM IS ALSO DECKED WITH MEDALS. A CLOSE UP OF HIS LAPEL REVEALS VARIOUS BADGES AMIDST THE MEDALS. VOICEOVER Highly disillusioned and believed to be suffering from metal fatigue * (CLOSE SHOT OF THE MEDALS), he has shed all vestiges of his former pomp and glory and now looks like any other citizen. A far cry indeed from the Imperial Palace at Tehran. * This line may actually be "medal fatigue", but both work as a joke CUT TO NOTICE IN WINDOW OF BED & BREAKFAST READING 'FAKIRS WELCOME - NAILS AND BREAKFAST'. THE SHAH APPROACHES THE FRONT DOOR. HE TAKES OFF HIS SUNGLASSES, REVEALING ANOTHER PAIR UNDERNEATH. VOICEOVER His followers have made everything ready. The former occupant of the Turkey throne has come home to roost to a place where the birds of a feather have already flocked. THE SHAH'S HAND RUNS DOWN A LIST OF DOORBELLS WHICH ARE MARKED 'MARTIN BORMANN' [sic], 'THE GANG OF FOUR'. 'K. FAROUK', 'E. HEATH', 'OUUKWU/GOWAN', 'L. LUCAN', 'B. FORSYTH'. HE PRESSES THE BOTTOM ONE WHICH IS UNMARKED. VOICEOVER Wanted men, fallen from grace, (SOMETHING) Monarchs, (SOMETHING), missing persons, and ordinary people desperate to (SOMETHING) [A few of the above lines have been rendered unintelligible in the mix by a very appreciative audience.] THE SHAH ENTERS THE GUESTHOUSE VOICEOVER The Shah will certainly not be alone in his exile, for this boarding house is also a home for his serene protuberance, The Artishu Kwarmi of Bhindi, the 117-year-old spiritual leader of 17 (SOMETHING) Muslims. THE INTERIOR OF A ROOM. THE ARTISHU KWARMI (CHRIS LANGHAM) MEDITATES ON A TABLE IN THE DISTANCE. CAPTION: ACTUAL SIZE BEHIND HIM IS A SIGN WHICH SAYS 'MEDITATE BIG'. BEER BOTTLES, CLEANING FLUIDS AND A TEAPOT ARE DOTTED AROUND. VOICEOVER For ninety-seven years, this semi-divinity has lived its semi-exile in this semi, masterminding the Bhindi revolution and planning his triumphant return. A PHONE RINGS. THE ARTISHU KWARMI PICKS UP A HOOKAH PIPE AND, AFTER BLOWING THE SMOKE OUT OF IT, USES IT AS A PHONE. VOICEOVER He has been waiting for his time to come. The wilderness years spent as scholar, politician, pastor, author, public nuisance... AN EXTRA PAIR OF ARMS POPS OUT OF THE ARTISHU. VOICEOVER ...and All-Iran Backstroke Champion. UNDER THE FOLLOWING HE ATTEMPTS TO LIGHT A CIGAR AND DRINK A CUP OF TEA IN A BRILLIANT PIECE OF VISUAL COMEDY WHICH OBVIOUSLY WON'T TRANSLATE VERY WELL TO A MERE SCRIPT DIRECTION. VOICEOVER This man embodies the dilemma of his people. On the one hand he is a spiritual leader, on the other a shrewd political strategist. One eye on his national traditions, the other on his own political future. One ear to the wish of the superpowers, the other to the ground. One foot in the revolutionary camp, the other in the grave. A FOLLOWER APPROACHES WEARING A LOINCLOTH AND A T-SHIRT WHICH SAYS 'DEATH TO THE SH... YOU KNOW WHO'. VOICEOVER Here, the Artishu receives homage from a devout follower, who, in accordance with the custom of centuries, bows first to the Artishu, and then to the east. Not to point his face towards Mecca but to point his bottom towards Wolverhampton. THE FOLLOWER STICKS HIS ARSE UP IN THE AIR. CUT TO EXTERIOR OF THE ARTISHU'S ROOM. ON HIS DOOR IS A METAL PLAQUE WITH HIS NAME, AND A SIGN READING 'BEWARE OF THE GOD' VOICEOVER Nor is the Artishu alone in his exile, for just along the corridor lives the exiled Loonie of Yukotan (PAN ACROSS CORRIDOR TO LOONIE'S DOOR - WHICH ALSO HAS A PLAQUE), the spiritual head of two million bushmen... LOONIE OF YUKOTAN EMERGES FROM HIS ROOM - A BLACK MAN IN TRIBAL COSTUME. HE EYES THE CAMERA SUSPICIOUSLY VOICEOVER ...who from here planned a Pagan revolution which will bring down the white minority government of the President of Portuguese Yukatan. LOONIE WALKS DOWN THE CORRIDOR. UNDER THE FOLLOWING WE SEE VARIOUS DOORS WITH PLAQUES: VOICEOVER In fact, this corridor is full of former Heads Of State. His magnificence, the Jamjar Of Ranjipur; his extreme indolence, The Mighty Wurlitzer Of Bader Meinhoff; his enormity The Argibargi Of Muskrat, and the Bathroom of West Congo. LOONIE APPROACHES THIS LAST DOOR AND IS ANNOYED TO FIND IT OCCUPIED. HE BANGS ON IT. VOICEOVER They're all here, keeping themselves to themselves in the manner of the divine Yoyo Of Hankipanki, who's been on hunger strike for the last eighteen years... THE DIVINE YOYO'S DOOR OPENS REVEALING A SKELETON IN A TURBAN SITTING ON A TOILET. VOICEOVER ...the unchallenged holder of the record for the longest lasting fruit gum. BACK WITH THE ARTISHU. UNDER THE FOLLOWING HE STICKS A CASSETTE INTO A TAPE PLAYER AND RETRIEVES A CARRIER PIGEON FROM A BASKET. HE ATTACHES THE TAPE RECORDER TO ITS FEET, THEN CHANGES HIS MIND AND STICKS BOTH THE TAPE RECORDER AND THE PIGEON INTO A LARGE ENVELOPE. VOICEOVER Similarly, the Artishu incites his followers in Bhindi to acts of civil disobedience. His taped homilies urging the faithful to ring doorbells and run away, put matchsticks in lift doors and spiders in baths, in fact anything to embarrass the government, have to be smuggled into the country in clever ways so as to foil the ever-vigilant customs authorities. The risks are enormous, both for the Artishu himself and for these courageous carrier pigeons of the freedom army, all (SOMETHING), many of them making their first and last service behind enemy lines. If caught they face summary execution. Against overwhelming odds, the Artishu lives in hope. LOOKING VERY PLEASED WITH HIMSELF THE ARTISHU HITS THE ENVELOPE TO ENSURE THE STAMP IS IN PLACE, THEN DOES A DOUBLE TAKE AND PLACES HIS EAR TO THE PACKAGE TO CHECK FOR SIGNS OF LIFE. CUT TO THE SHAH, AT THE BACK OF A LINE OF ERSATZ LEADERS QUEUEING FOR THE TOILET. WE PASS EACH OF THEM IN TURN. VOICEOVER This spirit of optimism is shared by the other tenants here. Men like Kevin Ibin Sal, Young King Cole, Kunta Kinte Jnr, Elvis Borgas, Morris The Hun, and Brian Bismark, who claims direct lineal descent from the Arthur 'Knuckles' Bismark of Barnsley. TOILET FLUSH. LOONIE OF YUKOTAN EMERGES. BRIAN BISMARK ENTERS. VOICEOVER The Shah must take his place with them, hoping one day to return and rule. Till that day dawns, it is simply a matter of waiting, and waiting... Not The Nine O'Clock News: withdrawn Show 1 (02/04/79)

The sketch was never transmitted in its entirety, although the first 'Artishu Kwarmi' section was snipped out and used as an item in its own right in Show 3 (30/10/79) entitled 'Missing Persians No.3', redubbed with an alternate voiceover (by Chris Langham) which suggested that the character was the Ayatollah Khomeini, and adding an extra joke which suggested that his four-armed status was the reverse of the accepted Muslim justice process. Photos of the hunger strike skeleton on the toilet were also used in the Not! book ('Stout Life') and as a brief backdrop during the excellent Chris Judge-Smith song 'Big Jobs' (Series 3, Show 4, 17/11/80).

NEWS ROUND-UP

Some may be familiar with this as a clip was shown on The Not The Nine O'Clock News Story documentary broadcast on BBC2 to celebrate the show's 20th Anniversary. A headache-inducing Big Ben chime introduces 'the team' - Rowan Atkinson, John Gorman, Jonathan Hyde and Christopher Godwin - together onscreen for the first time, sitting behind a long newsdesk. A far cry from the shape of Pamela Stephenson and Mel Smith to come.

It's likely that Lloyd and Hardie intended this as running end-of-show item, with jokes written on the day of the recording - proper 'topicals' to keep the satire fresh.

	BIG BEN CHIMES LOUDLY. THE STUDIO SHAKES ABOUT. A BESUITED CHRISTOPHER GODWIN REACTS PAINFULLY GODWIN And now, here are the main points again. PRESS CUTTING FROM THE DAILY MAIL ONSCREEN: 'UNDER-16s TO GET THE PILL 'SECRETLY' There have been disturbing reports this week that doctors in Dudley, Worcestershire, are planning to prescribe The Pill to girls under sixteen without telling their parents. CUT TO ROWAN ATKINSON IN WHITE COAT CAPTION: 'CONSULTANT GYNAECOLOGIST' ATKINSON Let me make one thing perfectly clear. I am going to tell my parents! CUT TO JONATHAN HYDE ...and the government have just announced that it has decided at last to clamp down on practical jokes which cause discomfort... PRESS CUTTING FROM THE EXPRESS: 'WHITEHALL STINKERS! PLAN TO AXE SOME JOKE NOVELTIES' ...starting with Mr Tony Benn PHOTO OF TONY BENN CUT TO GODWIN GODWIN And in the wake of the Islamic referendum last Friday... PHOTO OF THE AYATOLLAH KHOMEINI ...the Ayatollah has decided not to close all cinemas, but in future, only Islamic films will be shown. Films like 'Perda On The Orient Express', 'The Man In The Iron Mosque', and '28 Brides For 7 Brothers'. CUT TO ROWAN ATKINSON ATKINSON This morning, Chrysler revealed their new Avenger... PHOTO OF CAR. ...and if all goes well, next month they'll make another one. SHOT OF ALL FOUR, THEN CUT TO JOHN GORMAN GORMAN The Eurovision Song Contest. It was revealed today that the Italian entry, 'I Can't Get No Contraception' was taken off after the Pope advised them to pull out at the last minute. CUT TO GODWIN GODWIN And finally, the controversial genetic engineering conference taking place at Wye College in Kent this week... PRESS CUTTING FROM THE GUARDIAN: 'SECRECY AT GENETICS CONFERENCE ATTACKED' ...despite heavy criticism, the conference, organised jointly by the Royal Society and by the Committee On Genetic Experimentation will remain absolutely private. CUT BACK TO GODWIN Suspicions on why the conference should be [sic] need to be closed to the press have been allayed by a spokesman in an exclusive interview for Not The Nine O'Clock News. CUT TO GORMAN DRESSED IN GREEK DANCER OUTFIT CAPTION: 'DR GEORGIOU HALVA-MOUSSAKA, Professor of Genetics, Athens University' GORMAN I honestly do not know what all the fuss is about. There's been almost no advance in genetic experimentation over the last thirty years, and anyone who says otherwise would needs his legs examining. Now, if you'll excuse me, goodnight! BAZOUKI MUSIC STARTS UP. GORMAN BEGINS A SLOW GREEK DANCE. GRADUAL PULL BACK TO REVEAL HE'S WEARING A MASSIVELY WIDE COSTUME FROM WHICH EMERGE FOUR PAIRS OF LEGS. A NICELY CHOREOGRAPHED ROUTINE ENSUES. CREDITS RUN OVER THIS Not The Nine O'Clock News: withdrawn Show 1 (02/04/79)

The "I can't get no contraception" joke was reused in the series, and delivered by Mel Smith. Curiously, the Eight-legged Greek man routine was dropped into Show 1, making it Gorman's only broadcast appearance in the entire series. Still, he did better than Jonathan Hyde!

Despite Sean Hardie's claims that they'd managed to collect together 'just enough material for one show', a few other items were evidently recorded for the proposed April '79 series which didn't make the edit for the initial show, but were eventually used in the October series. These presumably included the spoof film trailer Final Term' (Show 1), voiced by Chris Emmett in character as Harold Wilson - another very Week Ending-style sketch illustrated by political news-footage. While we're on the subject, Chris Emmett was in The Burkiss Way, which also starred Fred Harris, who was also in Star Terk II with Christopher Godwin, which was written by Not The Nine O'Clock News scribe Terry Ravenscroft. See, you don't get that on Julia Sawalha's Comedy Connections...

A studio quickie featuring Christopher Godwin as a reporter interviewing a horse who "had a nasty fall at Beechers" (actually a stack of cat food tins on a chair), evidently cut from the pilot's News Round-Up, was dropped into Show 5 with a newly-recorded intro from Mel Smith. The joke also turned up in the Not! book.

CREDITS

Over John Gorman's dance, a caption reads "This show has been funded without any help from the South African government" and comedy credits ensue, as reproduced in full earlier on the left margin of these pages.

MANUEL

As a neat little bookend, Andrew Sachs as Manuel stumbles into shot against a black background, confused over an item which had appeared earlier in the show:

	MANUEL (ANDREW SACHS) Eh, Mr Fawlty I no unnerstand... (MIMES BOWING TO MECCA) "Aya-tollah Khom-ei-ni's con-tact lens..." THE PENNY SLOWLY DROPS Ohhhhh, comprendo! He look... (BURSTS OUT LAUGHING, DOUBLED UP) Is... is very funny! (DOES 'AOK' GESTURE TO CAMERA) Is very very good. Is good. EXITS, LAUGHING. Not The Nine O'Clock News - Aborted Show 1 (28/11/79)

This probably wasn't recorded on the same night as the Cleese opener, hence the complete lack of set.

As mentioned earlier, the "Khomeini's Contact Lens" joke was re-used in Show 2 of the eventual series, and the Manuel ending accompanied it. Both also made it to the Not The Least... compilation, allowing the latter to be reunited with the Fawlty Towers opening for the first time within a broadcast show. Nice.

So that was the Not the Nine O'Clock News "pilot" - a strange show which gets stranger the more you dissect it. There are many questions it raises, particularly about what John Howard Davies and the BBC were really expecting when they commissioned it. Were they really, as Howard Davies later claimed, hoping for a feisty, angry young revue in the style of That Was The Week That Was? If so, why did they end up with a cast who - Atkinson aside - were well into their 30s and 40s? And how come the BBC had such faith in this bunch of unknowns and trusted them with such a potentially problematic enterprise?

The show is notably a lot more overtly 'satirical' than the series it became, with practically every section alluding to topical news events, and displays little of the more general social satire which came later.

It's a show which is structurally very odd - there are several running gags and linking devices (the electronic newscaster, the puppets, the broad 'news show' set-up), but it's almost as though the show stops and starts several times within 30 minutes. The fact that the cast take so long to appear onscreen is also unusual for a comedy show, almost as if Lloyd was out to create an anti-cult, a programme with no immediate stars. Indeed, this was initially reflected in the eventual series, the first show of which features several false starts - the Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy intro, the fake Kenny Everett opening, and a few pre-filmed quickies before the first 'ensemble cast' sketch. It wasn't until about Show 4 of that first series that an identifiable 'team' emerged, and not until Series 2 when they began to be marketed as such.

Budget-wise, it was clearly made on a shoestring (aside from the pastel-shaded backdrop, a bed and a couple of desks, there are no proper studio sets), but a huge amount of logistical faff must have taken place to bring certain items to the screen - the extensive stock film/rostrum work for a start, not to mention arranging items like 'On The Moov'. And those puppets must have taken a few afternoons to knock up as well. The amount of cash involved may have been tiny, but these sketches can't have been easy to put together. Like the first series of The Young Ones, which arrived three years later, it shows a real imaginative thrust on the part of the creative team - people who had minimal knowledge of how television worked, but were still desperate to grab the medium and run with it. With all the 'It can't be done' attitudes of management and unions alike in the late 70s, this spirit seems even more remarkable. And, with all the 'It won't be done anyway' attitudes of management, unions and creatives these days, it just seems beautiful.

The "pilot" isn't a great show, but the Not The Nine O'Clock News we know and love may never have existed without it.

Not bad for a cheap, tatty revue anyway.