SOTCAA

THE GREAT BIG END-OF-BOOK PARTY

Well, that at least was the plan. Unfortunately since everybody involved now completely hates us and each other the only viable option is for you to create your very own party in the comfort of your desktop or work environment.

Follow the instructions below and a splendid time is guaranteed with our SOTCAA DIY Internet Meet (tm).

1. THE SETTING

The Yorkshire Grey (backdrop). Print out this page then simply stick the above picture with blu-tac to the wall nearest your work surface.

2. THE PARTY GUESTS:

Using the same scissors you used to cut out the backdrop, cut around the folowing characters - guaranteed to make your party go with a swing.


THE SINGER SONGWRITER Brings along scripts, tapes and an optional Ben to make up the entertainment.	THE PUB OPINION Crouches in the corner listening out for interesting observations he can then pass off as his own.	THE GIRL Will shortly send us a mail asking for this bit to be removed.	THE FALL FAN Will bring along old Xmas books from yesteryear and smuggle in Mark E Smith under his coat.


THE BUDDING WRITER Master of the British version of the Onion and eyeing up the ladies.	THE TEACHER A voice of reason, there to act as a necessary equilibrium, should everything suddenly break out into a ruck.	THE PASSIONATE FAN Prepared to cosh Chris Morris over the head with a brick if he doesn't make him laugh ever again.	THE GAY DR WHO FAN Best to print out loads of this one. They're everywhere..

3.ACCESSORIES:

No party would be complete without, etc...

Disappointing ale LAGER:
It's a drink.

Meet James Ensor...British people in hot weath-uhhh...Catholic Giiirls...drinking weak lager in a Camden boozer... THAT ALL IMPORTANT PARTY TAPE :
Something for everyone. The Fall, Frank Zappa, They Might Be Giants, Half Man Half Biscuit. Nothing for anyone else.

So, does anybody have 'Peter Cook & Co'? RARE COMEDY VIDEOS:
To be exchanged over the table and envied by everyone else in the pub (except for all the ageing TV and radio producers who'll just feel a bit queasy at the sight of so much ferric being passed around after their long working days.)

Yeah, and you know what he did then? He dumped her and he still owed her money from the phone bill. He's just a manipulative liar who sponges off other people... BRAVE FACES:
To wear publicly in the knowledge that a friendship or relationship will die horribly within weeks of the party.

4. CONVERSATIONS:

No party would be complete without things for people to say. The right conversational topic can mean the difference between a rave-up and a cock up!! Well with the SOTCAA DIY Internet Meet TM you needn't worry. Simply sellotape the following word bubbles to the party-guest with the most appropriate face:

See You There!!
sotcaa
Dec 2001

JOE4
D'yer know, Mike, maybe - just maybe, mind - seeing themselves reduced to silly cartoon caricatures of themselves might just stop all the fighting.

MIKE4
No, Joe. All that'll actually happen is that you'll get a couple of mails and some forum comments saying "Tchah - doesn't look anything like me"

JOE4
Ah well, sod it. What's next?

MIKE4
We're about done I think. Let's just upload the sod and go home.

JOE4
No, there's got to be more stuff we can shove in? What happened to that really funny Eminem parody I recorded?

MIKE4
Oh shit, I almost forgot about that. Hold on. Brandishes fire-extinguisher, douses burning tape, etc.

JOE4
You're delivering stage directions in monotone. This really is the end of the book.

MIKE4
Yeah - just bung some throwaway small ads on the last page and we're away.

JOE4
Ladies and gentlemen, thanks for reading this. Hope you have a Merry Christmas and all that. Bye.

MIKE4
Bye.

THE MUMBLER
Bye.

SQUIDY
Bye

EVANS
Bye.

HITLER
Bye

CAST CLIMB INTO A BIG TAXI AND SPEED OFF.

CAMERA PANS SLOWLY ROUND, BACK TO THE OFFICE.

SLOW ZOOM IN ON TABLE, CLOSE UP ON PIECE OF PAPER

THE NOTE READS 'PENZANCE 2, AUBERGINES 0'.

SUPERIMPOSED CAPTION: THE END?