currently playing: 'I Like Electro People' by Fox
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WANTED: A complete set of 'Rory Bremner - Who Else?' urgently required for research. Contact J. Culshaw, BOX 876

FOR SALE: A large collection of Hammer Horror-style period wigs and costumes. Now not needed for second series. Will swap for pringle sweater. Apply S. Coogan, BOX 445

WANTED: A large collection of Hammer Horror-style period wigs and costume. Needed for third series to make up for lack of ideas. Contact R. Shearsmith, quickly, at BOX 446

HELP!: Have lost the web address to The Ali G Translator, a webpage which turns 'the' to 'da' and ends each sentence with 'innit'. Need it urgently as my new series has to be handed in tomorrow and I haven't even started it! Please e-mail [email protected].

I laughed like a drain all the way through it! But you shouldn't be writing for the internet - you should be writing for radio or TV!

FOR SALE: The planet Earth. Bought it a few years ago but just got bored with it. OK condition. Will swap for DVD player. Apply to God at BOX 1

WOOKIE WITH big lightsaber and big dark helmet, tired of going Han Solo, seeks Princess Layer to help me think up more cliched Star Wars-type double entendres for future personal ads. Warp speed to BOX 1977

SNUGGLY wuggly kissable bun-bun seeks wiggly wobbly niggily sqwubby loveykins for talking bollocks. BOX 538

WERE YOU the 38 year old lady at the Steps concert last night with a Bagpuss t-shirt and the mobile phone with the Hear'say ringtone? You were? Then why don't you grow up, you dopey old tart? Yours, Gerald.

VERY IMPORTANT business man seeks trophy wife. Must be made of solid brass. BOX 395

INTELLIGENT attractive and sincere 28 year old female with gsoh in the london area seeks punctuation please send photo of comma apply BOX 354

THE TALIBAN require new lead singer. Must be familiar with the works of Abba. Contact Ali Qu'akabad, Hazrat Kwa'zai or Debbie at BOX 639

DESPERATE comedy writer seeks dyslexic woman for obvious personal ad joke. Must be FWS, QHJ and have SOGH. Nun-smirker perforated. Apply BXO 276, or is it 627?

GERRY RAFFERTY seeks other well-known songs for potential 'best-of' collection. Own sax. BOX 276

JAZZ MAGS! Complete back issues of Jazz Collector (1 - 345), Satchmo Monthly (1 - 47) and Dolphy fanzine 'Out To Lunch' (1 - 67) . Also massive collection of pornography. CONTACT: [email protected]

ORIGINAL PYTHON RUSHES TAPES Sold as doorstops and paperweights only. CONTACT: The bearded cunt in Cheapo Cheapo Records, Soho

LOCAL THEATRE NEWS

Tim Brooke-Taylor stars in
'I'm A Slightly Confused Middle Aged Man With Poorly-Ironed Slacks'
in Guildford, Reading and Hull at any given moment without prior warning. Also starring three actors from Allo Allo, none of which are Gordon Kaye.
'Ooh, isn't he the one off 'You Must Be The Husband', dear'
- Guildford Gazette
'No, you're thinking of the one off Robin's Nest, dear.'
- Reading Times
'Yes, Barry Evans, that's right. Of course he never married...'
- Hull Echo

learn my lines

 FOR SALE The ability to turn base objects into solid gold. Unwanted gift. King Midas BOX 298

OLD MAN seeks pot to piss in. BOX 563

CHILDRENS CLOTHES Shoes (size 10 small), trousers (waist 12), socks, briefs, shirt (chest 17). Would suit naked child. BOX 298

FANCY A QUICK ONE? Ha ha ha, a coffee I mean. God, I'm just mad sometimes. Ronni BOX 276

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  • How to ignore your natural sense of comedy.
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    Here's what some of our ex-students think:

    "My films have never been so neurotic oy vey my life already."
    - W. Allen, New York.

    "I'm now doing more advertisments than I thought possible with a Communist upbringing. Thanks TLDJCSOCW!"

    - A. Sayle, Stoke Newington.

    "The TLDJCSOCW are helping me make my shows so full of in-jokes that even I don't understand them!"

    - M. Gatiss, Royston Vasey.

    "I wish I had a second series."

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    Apply today! Send a small fortune to
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    and mark your envelope "So, why aren't you funny anymore?".

    FOR SALE: 1000 pairs of socks, size 9. Mistake purchase. Will swap for chest of drawers. CONTACT: Lionel 8236 413 (ev)

    NAKED CHILD seeks the git who nicked all my clothes. BOX 193

    VIDEOS FOR SALE: really obvious, frequently repeated things that aren't so bloody rare after all. Would suit gullible novice. Contact anyone on eBay. BOX CLEVER

    MAMAS & PAPAS pushchair. Unwanted gift. BOX 298

    MAMAS & PAPAS CD box set, all the hits, Monday Monday, California Dreaming. Prefer The Lovin' Spoonful. BOX 700

    MAMAS & PAPAS just generally. BOX 109

    NOTHING TO SELL! Just using this space to spread good cheer and to say Hey everyone, be nice to each other, don't make too many enemies in life and, above all, don't follow other people's paths - set a path for others to follow! Nam Myoho Renge Kyo.
    Hitler, Dec 2001

    POP BIOGRAPHER NEEDED DESPERATELY: for slim volume of cheap and chirpy on-the-road stories and childhood reminiscences to be remaindered in limbo in on the shelves at HMV until at least April. Apply to Paul Dullson out of Arse. BOX 438

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