This is what I want to say about the sort of films that Channel 4 are putting on in a general way. I know what you're saying - if I describe one of them that's as much as good as if I didn't describe any and just sat in my room all day next to that radiator, hoping it would come on when Mrs Grisham come home. No, I'm not going to do that, but I will describe one of the films because, by one, I'll give you the flavour - the kind of roast taste of it all.

Right, now, Czechoslovakian woman was on in one bed, Czechoslovakian (different) woman, (blonder), in the other bed. I was in my own bed (ha, not in a film! No, what it was, I was in bed because sometimes you need to pull the blankets up nice an warm otherwise, well, no, it's a superstition of mine but the ghosties and ghoulies nip and nap at your nips in the night). But, no, and when it was on, first of all, one said - in subtitles don't forget, and I had to get my spectacles on to give it a proper reading. I didn't have them - I had my dad's spectacles on instead and as a result it was far too headache-inducing. So she said anyway, the one of the two Czechoslovakian women, "How about we try and go and see Beranek today", which was, y'know, a little bit misleading because they didn't - they went and were wondering whether they existed or not because of the Proof Of The Turnips (was what she said).

Now, that lasted for two and three-quarter hours! A time which I could have spent more accurately by getting all them postcards I bought in the market the other day featuring the steam engines of yore (which fill us with 'proud' and all that because of the heritage) and putting them in the arrangement that I prefer my postcards to be in. But I never. Two and three-quarter hours watching them say they were going to see Beranek but instead they said they wouldn't go and exist.

So that's the time of films, but there's another type and it's much much much more worse because, in it, the woman�how can I even begin to describe�oh aye, she gets her, kind of, all of her clothes do come off and everything. Now that's not bad in itself except that always before it, instead of the man saying "And now there's a very saucy film coming on in which it's a bit like that one with Hywel Bennett in it where he had a new percy - it's like that only it's a bit saucy, one of those British sex comedies of the early 50s which involved Ronnie Corbett as a very mannequin of a bloke". Instead of that, they don't say that, they say it's "An investigation into loss, and memory and what it means to be committed"! And instead of that it's with saucy romps like with his new percy and all that.

Do you remember 'Britannia Hospital'? I think they should have that on all the time. Now I don't mean all the time, obviously, continuously, back-to-back, all I mean is there must be - listen to me - as well as the film itself (because this is the way it works, am I stupid? I'm not.) that, when you make a film, lots of it does never get used. Hundreds of it. Most of it. What it is is that a film is an iceberg. You see the little - well I like to refer to it as the 'winkle' - on top, and what you never see (and what you never bloody will see) is all the 'importance'. And I want to see the 'importance' of 'Britannia Hospital'. And is that much to ask? No, but instead I get "Oh Beranek, oh we don't exist - with the Turnips". Either that or I get "Ooh, look at my lovely saucy bosoms while we're thinking about remembrance and loss"!

'Britannia Hospital'. The only time I came close to it was the first time Denis Norden came on television to say that it was important that we discovered why everything went wrong. I don't know what it was about but he had a big long spiel. Well, he do take me in, to be honest, like, I think he's serious and then the laughter happens. I dunno, that happens with a lot of people. And he came on and he said "This next batch of funnies�" (which I found unremarkable) "�features the long-awaited Britannia Hospital", and I'd awaited it and I ran downstairs, oh I was screaming, I was going "Mrs Grisham, Mrs Grisham, can you get your own video working - mine's, not only isn't it Betamax, not only isn't it VHS, IT ISN'T BLOODY VIDEO! It's, y'know, some kind of example of what I get when I bloody try, and that's that, I don't try anymore!".

So she taped it but she didn't get it - instead there were the bloody Yogga Yogs (and that's just bloody stupid. That's bloody daft. They wouldn't do that in any country. Not in any civilised bloody country) so, I didn't get the, how can I put it, the importance of 'Britannia Hospital', and I would like to.

That's all I ask.

There you are.