FRIDAY 7 December

BBC1	BBC2	ITV	Channel 4	Channel 5
6.00 AM Breakfast with Sophie Raworth and Jeremy Bowen. 6.00, 7.00, 8.00 News; 6.25, 7.25, 7.55, 8.25 Regional News; 6.46, 7.17, 7.36, 8.11, 8.38 Pointless Arguing Between Frederick Forsyth And Carla Lane (S) (W) 9.00 Kilroy Only one line to describe the contents of this. Series producer Daughter Kilroy-Silk. (S) (W) Followed by News; Weather (S) (W) 10.00 Could Effortlessly Transfer To BBC2 Tonight At Nine Makeover game show with Anna Ryder-Richardson's professional lookalike. Executive producer Mark Hill (S) (W) 11.00 Yo, Seedlings Doomed attempt to make gardens sexy. Theme tune English Country Garden arranged and performed by Derek B and Yazz. (S) (W) Followed by News; Weather (S) (W) 11.00 Counter Force US crime drama starring Loretta Swit and George Wendt about a group of sales assistants who take the law into their own hands. (R) (S) (W) Followed by News; Weather (S) (W) 12.00 Unhappy Returns Daily drama serial set in a tax office starring actors who, to many viewers, have been missing presumed dead. More SE1s Please. A freelance office worker discovers that he requires additional self-employment forms, while a company director is dismayed to learn that he forgot to sign and date the declaration on page 16 of his 1999-2000 form. Guest starring ex-Status Quo member Alan Lancaster as alcoholic accountant Tom Branigan. Andrew Benton             Sam Kelly Ted McKay           Jeffrey Holland Jess Thompson      Davina Taylor Josh Eyecandy          Tim Vincent Sara Bond             Yvette Fielding Terri Haswell         Linda Davidson Episode written by Jenny Eclair and Julie Balloo; Executive producer Mal Young (S) (W) Repeated tomorrow at 8.20pm 12.30 PM Getting In The Sodding Way Of Transplant Surgeons Fiona Bruce and Craig Doyle report live from Theatre A at Harefield Hospital, Middlesex and talk to staff and patients, no matter how otherwise engaged they might be. Editor Soon to be Animal Hospital series editor (S) (W) More coverage at 2.15pm 1.00 BBC News Weather and Regional News (S) (W) 1.45 Neighbours Eighty per cent of its target audience are scheduled to be in double history right now. (S) (W) Repeated at 5.35pm 2.15 Getting In The Sodding Way Of Transplant Surgeons As before, but rather busier. (S) (W) 2.55 Everyday Maths Classic sitcom action starring Arthur English and Jack Wild. In this 1979 episode, the dynamic duo need to divide up their different-coloured overalls, and explain the concept of percentages. Producer David Roseveare (R) (S) 5.35 Neighbours Shown already (R) (S) (W)	BBC Learning Zone Continues from 12.30am; Repeated tomorrow at 8.20pm. (R) (S) (W) 7.00 AM CBBC To save space, all information regarding these imported animations and cheap repeats has been removed. (S) (W) 9.00 BBC Worldwide Is In Profit Anyway, But Every Little Helps A Tweenies double bill. (R) (S) (W) 9.50 Teletubbies Immature undergraduates confuse imagination with the effects of casual drug usage. (R) (S) (W) 10.15 Punk Elevenses Ends 11.20am. Over an hour of programmes designed for the anniversary of punk rock, which happened some years ago now. Hosted by Glen Matlock, almost certainly. 10.15 The Land Veteran news reporter Bill Grundy narrates this (possibly) award-winning schools documentary from 1975. In this episode, the erosion of the Northumbria cliff faces is accompanied by an instrumental loop of the intro from Feeder's Buck Rogers, and an intrusive catch-all wasn't-there ersatz-punk impression somewhere between Vyvyan from The Young Ones and Sid James, provided by Jon Culshaw. Producer Julia Spark; Revised by Jon Plowman and Bill Dare (S) Previously shown on ITV 10.35 I Wasn't At The 100 Club But I'll Pretend I Was A whole host of minor celebrities, ranging from Paul Tonkinson to Wayne Hemingway, try and negotiate the tricky matter of convincing the viewer they were old enough to have been midwives at the very birth of punk, while somehow maintaining the illusion that they are still only 22 years old. Executive producer Alan Brown (S) (W) 10.45 The Pyramid Game Another chance to see a 1980 episode of the rarely-recalled Saturday night quiz hosted by Steve Jones, who may or may not be the same one who was in The Sex Pistols. Helping the contestants today are Barbara Dickson and John Conteh. Producer Alasdair Macmillan (S); Previously shown on ITV 11.10 Let's Laugh At The Haircuts On Rockschool Compiled by Mark Hagen (S) Punk Elevenses executive producer Alan Brown 11.20 Schools programmes Repeats are not indicated. 11.20 Comedians Can't Get Work In Primetime (ages 9-11); 11.45 English Studies: If Dickens Was Alive Today, He'd Be Writing EastEnders And What's More...Oh Shaaaaat Up (ages 14-16); 12.15 Words And Pictures: Baby Bird (ages 6-9); 12.40 Trigonometry With Mel & Sue (ages 13-15); 1.10 Good God, Is That Christopher Ryan's Voice Droning On About Thomas A Becket? (ages 9-12); 1.45 Study Period (ages 6-18). 2.40 PM National Westminster Live Space-filling wordplay with Zeinab Badawi. (S) (W) 4.00 Esthers A casual slip over the keys by a careless listings sub results in this unexpected edition of Esther Rantzen's afternoon talk show, in which she is joined by other Esthers, including Israeli songstress Esther Ofarim, who sings her latest single, Cinderella Rockafella 2001, and the writer Esther Freud who, not to be outdone, recites about thirty pages of Gaglow. Editor Patsy Newey (S) (W) 5.00 Smilie's People A joke at viewers' expense - instead of showing the classic adaptation of the John Le Carre novel with a different spelling, BBC2 is re-running Carol Smilie's chat show series from 1996, which inexplicably led her to be offered further employment by the corporation. Today Carol talks to Zoe and Johnny Ball using only diphthongs. Producer Nick Vaughan-Barrett (R) (S) 5.15 - 6.00 PM The Weakest Link: Academics Special The confrontational quiz finds that Tom Paulin, Terry Eagleton, Anthony Storr, H.C. Robbins Landon, Jean Aitchison and David Crystal have been working so hard researching their recent books that they have never heard of Atomic Kitten, the goons. Rich but rancid: Fintan Coyle and Cathy Dunning Produced by David Young, Ruth Davis, Dee Todd, Eileen Herlihy and frankly, an entire entertainment department (S) (W)	6.00 AM GMTV Weekday magazine with Eamonn Holmes and Fiona Phillips. Hollywood correspondent Jackie Brambles finally shows off the benefits of her spelling lessons in recent years, while soap queen Tina Baker previews the best booze-fuelled arguments on TV this week. News timetable on Monday (S) (W) 9.25 Trisha An opportunity for University Of East Anglia students with dramatic aspirations to affect a white-trash demeanour. (R) (S) (W) 10.30 This Morning A new-look to the weekday magazine as some kitchen utensils join John Leslie and Coleen Nolan as new presenters. Executive producer Spatula with large handle (S) (W) Including at 10.50 News (S) Regional News; Weather. 12.30 PM Lunchtime News Weather (S) 1.15 London Today Puppet fun with Paul Green. 1.40 The Premiership We'll try it here for a couple of weeks, and see if the last hour can beat BBC1's unbeatable combination of live transplant surgeons getting in the way of reporters just doing their job and Everyday Maths repeats. With Desmond Lynam, or if he's had enough now, Gerald Sinstadt. Editor To Let (S) (W) 3.15 ITV Remains Committed To Quality Children's Programming. Ends 5.05. Featuring: 3.16, 3.43, 3.48, 4.06, 4.35, 4.55 Sony's New Playstation: Just �159.99 From Comet! 3.17, 3.30, 3.39, 3.45, 4.19 Kellogg's Coco Pops With Free Stickers 3.22, 3.31, 3.46, 4.18, 4.44 Pokemon Laser Thing Toy 3.24, 4.01, 4.09, 4.19, 4.36, 4.58 Rowntree's New Grey, Inedible Fruit Pastilles 3.40, 4.03, 4.12, 4.12, 4.18, 4.43 Other Pokemon Laser Thing Toy 3.58, 4.08, 4.12, 4.13, 4.52 Pop Idol Discovery Rik Waller's New CD "Don't Slim When You're Winning" 5.05 Triangle Attempt to revive the 80s soap largely remembered as joyously terrible, but in truth uneventful and fairly dull. Clip show producers and researchers are advised to videotape the title sequence, just so that they can use it as a comparison to the BBC's original incarnation. This time round, though, the format's been relocated to a ferry travelling between Calais, Newhaven and, perhaps impractically, Dakar. Featuring Kate O'Mara, Larry Lamb, Nadia and Julia Sawalha playing identical twins, Take That's Howard Donald and David Thewlis. Episode written by Amy Jenkins; Series Producer Likely to be Corrine Hollingworth (S) (W) 5.35 Catchphrase Quiz with Iain Lee, making the final appearances of his brief career. (S)	6.00 AM The Various Items Of Laundry A double bill of animated antics. Courtney the Fleece visits a funfair, while Roger the Waistcoat loses his car keys. Featuring the voices of Anna Dawson and Mark Heap. (S) (W) 7.00 The Big Breakfast Replacement Pilot Pitch Day. Ends 5.00pm. A day of templates attempting to convince that their respective makers should be trusted to fill two hours of live television a day. 7.00 House Of Commoners: The Pilot Intended to be a live bleak sketch show, a blank-screened apology for television because the cast all oversleep owing to overuse of alcoholic beverages. Oh and because of a lack of material. 9.00 Faking It But The Other Way Round Can four club DJs from West London really become virtuoso cellists with the Royal Academy Of St. Martin In The Fields? In just two hours? 11.00 Ninety-Five To One Bigger elimination quiz with William G. Stewart and, because of the extended running time, rather easier questions. 1.00 PM It Won't Do Our Careers Any Favours, But At Least It's A More Truthful Take On The Way Telly Really Works Rather Than Simply Writing Cunt And Spunk All The Time And Inventing Programme Formats Which, No Matter How Deregulated British TV Gets, Could Not Possibly Exist, Thus Rendering The Parody Pointless And Only Likely To Impress Loaded Readers Genuinely confrontational incarnation of TV Go Home. 3.00 Richard & Judy Channel 4 hope that they do more humiliating things to fill future, evermore desperate clip-show specials. 5.00 Countdown Featuring William Hague in Dictionary Corner. (S) (W) 5.30 Futurma Awar-wining anmaion fro Amera, shoing hre i editd versin, wich s betr i som wys. (S) (W)	6.00 AM 5 News Programme that no-one has ever seen. 7.00 Children's programmes. Ends 8.50am 7.00 A Word In Your Chell! Much-loved presenter Carol Chell is reduced to improvising with a tatty piece of colourless material. Plus cartoon fun with Thames Water. (R) 7.35 Press Gang Only kidding. (S) 8.05 Wilf Lunn With No Budget Today Wilf shows you some blurred photographs of that thing with wheels that caught fire on Vision On in 1975. (S) 8.50 The Oprah Winfrey Show 60 minutes of viewers commenting just how closely life-strategist Phil McGraw physically resembles Hank Kingsley. 10.00 The Wright Stuff Chat show about the burning issues of the day which almost makes C***s Behind A Long Desk look like The Brains Trust. 11.00 Old Thing From 1978 Starring that one with the funny voice from The Cannonball Run II. Previously shown on ITV 12.00 5 News 12.30 PM Isn't It That Bloke From Howard's Way? Daily drama serial. Today that bloke from Howard's Way finds that that woman from Castles is having an affair with the chap who was in Brookside but was then in Coronation Street for a fortnight before joining repertory theatre for years. (S) Repeated tonight at 6.30pm 1.00 Home And Away Serial in which sporting personalities answer questions about their own sport, but also much harder ones about ones they don't participate in. (S) Repeated tonight at 7pm 1.30 100 Per Cent The quiz show without a host returns with host Adam Bloom. 2.00 Gloria Hunniford's Open House The show for people who can't get on other shows. Today's guests include Helen Lederer who was on yesterday. (S) 3.30 The Magnificent Seven Remake starring Lou Diamond Philips, Bill Bixby, Barry Van Dyke, Robert Urich, John Ritter Jr., John Schneider and Jan-Michael Vincent. Director John Ritter Sr. (TVM, 1998) 5.20 Russell Grant's Postcards Unfortunately, today he's only got those blank white ones you get in packs. (R) 5.30 5 News

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