FRIDAY 7 December

BBC1	BBC2	ITV	Channel 4	Channel 5
6.00 PM BBC News Weather 6.30 [Whatever BBC Opt-Out For London Is Called These Days] 7.00 Geoffrey Perkins Exhumes: Laura And Disorder Continuing the series of sitcom revivals, devised by BBC's outgoing Head Of Comedy. This week, a revival of the 1989 comedy series starring Wendy Craig, because anything's better than something by new writers. Co-written by her real-life son, best known for writing the 1989 comedy series Laura And Disorder starring Wendy Craig. Producer/Director John B. Hobbs; Executive Producer Geoffrey Perkins (S) (W) Repeated tomorrow at 8.20pm Starting next week, Geoffrey Perkins Exhumes: It's Awfully Bad For Your Eyes Darling 7.30 Look At The Funny Man! David Schneider, spotted in that Gimme Gimme Gimme episode by BBC1 bosses curious as to what else he might have been in, is the ideal choice for fronting this clip show series about the funny side of life. This week, Deckchairs. Producer Ben Kellett 7.58 Top Of The Pops Specially-extended edition featuring performances from whoever's in town. Producer/Director Chris Coaster (S) (W) 8.00 EastEnders Phil punches Ian, Ian slaps Lisa, Lisa falls over Pat, Pat takes her library books back, and Kat Slater is suffocated underneath a small piece of paper. For cast see an ITV schedule from about 20 years ago. This week's episodes written by Jeff Welsh, Andy De La Tour and Charlie Brooker (S) (W) 8.30 Lorraine's Fluffy Yet Spacious Mind Reality game show in which contestants are trapped inside the fluffy yet spacious mind of BBC1 controller Lorraine Heggessey with absolutely nothing of interest to stimulate the brain apart from extended EastEnders episodes and other supposedly superior reality TV formats. Better than the tacky reality shows on ITV, because it's about intellectual mind-games rather than greed, obviously. Rejoice! Rejoice! Our saviour Conrad Green (S) (W) 9.00 Have I Got News For You? Yet another chance to see the episode shown last week with Angus Deayton, Ian Hislop and Paul Merton, along with guest celebrities that are easier to recognise than the ones who used to be on it when it was on BBC2. Additional material by six people with pilots in development; Producer Giles Chancer Repeated tomorrow on BBC2. (S) (W) 9.30 Absolutely Fabulous Continuing the new series, often written by Jennifer Saunders after it has been transmitted. Milan. Patsy and Edina travel to Italy, accidentally dress up as Pavarotti, and try to say the word tagliatelle. Plus an anvil-handed parody of The Italian Job that even the script associate of Bobby Davro's Sketch Pad would have binned sharpish. Featuring guest appearances by Sophia Loren, Jerry Hall and Marcelle D'Argy Smith as segments of Michael Caine, Handy Andy as Noel Coward, and Andrew Ridgeley as a dream-sequence version of the Emperor Nero. Producers Jon Plowman and Jonathan P. Llewellyn; Director Bob Spiers (S) (W) *Why I wrote this series for the money (Has it finished yet?): Jennifer Saunders profiled on page 29 10.00 BBC News Regional News; Weather Repeated tomorrow at 8.20pm 10.35 Harry Enfield's Guide To The More Impressive Half Of His CV Harry Enfield's glory days collected. Meanwhile, The Self-Righteous Brothers front some new linking material contributed by a group of small insects. Devised by Geoffrey Perkins; Original material produced by Geoffrey Perkins (S) (W) 11.00 Patrick Region Still Regards The Lottery Show As A Worthwhile Project And Not Just An Opportunistic Presenting Stint Regional opt-out live from Northern Ireland, mistakenly believed to be up to the standard of network television with Patrick doing a dated jibe about Fergie from the pen of David Baddiel's brother. Tonight's guests include Emma Bunton and Baby Spice, neither of whom perform their new single. Producer Lemmy Workin-London (S) (W) Repeated tomorrow at 8.20pm 11.35 The Hate Is On Paul Merton hosts the first in a new series of the chat show, previously called Room 101, whatever the hell that meant. His guest tonight is Gordon Ramsay, who, like, is really obnoxious, so his choices are logically bound to be more provocative. Hopefully, he'll choose Eastern Europe and house music because you can't hear the words. (S) (W) 12.10 AM I Remember Being About 12 Some people whose names you can't quite bring to mind but who sometimes appear on small-hours BBC Choice, as well as some part-time bar-staff at BBC Manchester all remember being about twelve, accompanied, as ever, by some badly-edited instrumental breaks from Culture Club extended remixes. Like I Love The 70s but a bit different in as much as no-one can remember the right year that all these things happened. Narrated by Belouis Some, which is someone's idea of irony. Monster created by Alan Brown; Produced by someone who started off as a runner on The Travel Show (S) (W) 1.15 Jon Culshaw's Commercial Breakdown Repeated on UK Gold from next April (S) (W) 1.45 Free With Titanic Made for TV film based on a true story in which Shelley Hack and Timothy Bottoms shout for 105 minutes. Director Elizabeth Berkley (1998, 12) (S) (W) David Parkinson tries to say something nice on page 55. 3.15 AM BBC News 24. Ends 7.00am.	6.00 PM The Simpsons Another chance to see a double bill of the 138th Show Spectacular, as it was on top of the pile. (R) (S) (W) 6.45 Robot Wars Craig Charles gets paid. Shown again later tonight, and on Saturday, and on Sunday (twice) and on BBC Choice three times so as to maximise viewing figures. Executive Producer Emma Cult (S) (W) Craig Charles' new video Remember Me? I'm Shocking, Literally! is released next week 7.15 Would Like To Belittle The very latest in makeover shows as the perpetually up-duffed Lowri Turner, a fashion expert who happens to have been dressed by Lambeth Council, a sex therapist with the face of a pan, and an expert in being interesting show a hard-working teacher of 36 how unattractive he is and how clever they are. Producers To Be Found In A Percy Street Bar With Crescent Shaped Furniture (S) (W) 7.55 EastEnders is starting quite soon on BBC1 Current affairs with Maya Even. Series editor Basil Thankless (S) (W) 8.00 COMEDY ZONE Ends 12.30 AM 8.00 Oh Look, It's A Spiral Staircase Daytime television, but shown in the evening, to imply prestige. With the bloke out of DIY SOS who looks a bit like Bob Mills. (S) (W) 8.30 BBC Gardening Magazine Is Available In All Good Shops Not a programme, more an observation. (S) (W) 9.00 Bad Head Day Continuing the uncompromising drama about loss of face among five acquaintances on the outskirts of Pimlico from director Stephen Beard, whose importance as a TV auteur is emphasised by his name being in the programme billing's main text, and therefore in a bigger font than most of his rivals. This week, Glasses experiences a loss of face. Blonde posh woman         Amanda Blonde Glasses                                 Leo Rugged I don't care anymore          Ingrid Shouting You see his bum                   Adam Sauce The one on soft drugs         Jez Grade-One Surprising cameo                William Gaunt Hey, daddy-o I remember the sixties, doncha know Tony Garnett (S) (W) 9.30 I'm Carol Partridge Steve Coogan stars in the disguised guise of failed idiot broadcaster Alan's ex-wife Carol in this new six-part series. Tonight, Fernando returns from his after-graduation party in Cambridge, but why is he accompanied by the real Sue Cook? (Rhetorical.) Carol/Fernando/Voice Of Alan Steve Coogan Denise Partridge Damn, forgot they had two kids! Mr. Weird                                 Mark Heap Man with one arm              Peter Baynham Cleverer man Alan talks to in shop Rob Brydon Delighted just to have been asked Simon Pegg Written by Steve Coogan, Armando Iannucci, Peter Baynham and Rob Brydon (S) (W) 10.00 Bottom A randomly-selected episode from the most frequently-screened series, first shown about several years ago, and repeated so that a still of the videos can be re-promoted at the end. Written by Adrian Edmondson and Rik Mayall; Producer/Director Ed Bye (R) (S) 10.30 Newsnight Being Friday, a sort of ironic take on the day's news, like The Day Today or summat. Editor George Entwistle (S) (W) 11.00 Newsnight Review In tonight's edition, Mark Lawson is joined by Allison Primface, Mark Jacket and Bonnie Woman. (S) (W) Repeated on BBC Knowledge next Monday 11.30 Harrowing But Necessary Viewing Siv lives on a gritty council estate in somewhere northern, dark and bleak. His life is bleak, dark and northern, because he doesn't drink lattes in Camden. He swears grimly in an uncensored manner, and possibly doesn't wash. This drama-documentary is an account of his life, such as it is, and is by turns, bleak, dark, northern, uncensored, grim, gritty and uplifting. On page 48, TV editor Alison Graham tries to make sense of it all, tries really hard to weep buckets, and demands (yes, demands) that you watch this programme, or at least video it over that EastEnders omnibus from the 24th and keep piously intending to watch it. Directors Susan Tully and Mel Smith (S) (W) 12.25 AM - 1.15 Lazier...With Jools Holland Tonight, Jools is joined by a host of guests from all four corners of Television Centre, including Huw Edwards, Ian Wright, Johnny Vegas, Paul Merton, Fern Britton, Paul Kenyon and Arabella Weir. Plus a song from Coldplay when the chat dries up completely. Frustrated producer Mark Cooper (S) (W) 2.00 AM BBC Learning Zone. Ends 5.35am. Featuring: 2.00 Media Studies Module 4: Bye Bye Beardy. Why The Learning Zone is better than The Open University used to be. 2.25 Lingerie Module 2: Up The Crotchless Panty. Why lingerie is cooler than geology. With the bespectacled James Brown. 3.00 Pubs Module 5: Fag Machines. Why they never work, rather like those grainy old OU courses about social history. 4.35 Attention Scum. 5.00 Seinfeld. *See four-page special pp19-23: Why we're really smart for watching Seinfeld, by everyone in the office who's been shopping in the Big Apple.	6.00 PM The Real London Tonight Hilarious happenings in the capital with Alastair Stewart. Tonight, what people are waiting for in Kennington. (S) 6.30 ITV Evening News Weather 7.00 Emmerdale Bruno Brookes joins the cast as the wily old flame of Bernice, Terry McAuliffe. Episode written by Richard Herring (S) (W) "Why Emmerdale is the best-paid....sorry, best thing I've ever done: Richard Herring on page 37. 7.30 Coronation Street Linda Thorson joins the cast as the gruff Glaswegian bailiff Katrina Barnard. Series based on an idea by Tony Warren; episode based on previous ideas by gullible young hopefuls at a Granada writers workshop (S) (W) 8.00 Steve Penk Just Can't Believe His Eyes! More hilarious clips that Denis Norden and his researchers originally rejected in 1983. With special guest Richard Whiteley, who talks us through that moment on Yorkshire TV's Calendar Plus in 1978, when his hair was a bit different. Director Tony Gregory (S) (W) 9.00 Steve Coogan's Face Sketch show with a DOG of Steve Coogan's face in the top left hand corner of the screen throughout. Starring someone Hudson, the other one from Dead Ringers, the son-in-law of Richard Digance and the third best one from Footlights 1996. Executive producers Steve Coogan, Henry Normal, Jon Thoday, Richard Allen-Turner, Someone Hudson, The Other One From Dead Ringers, The Son-In-Law Of Richard Digance and The Third Best One From Footlights 1996 (S) (W) 9.30 Darius Continuing the sitcom starring Popstars reject Darius as an aspiring singer who's lost his voice, but who somehow gets a recording contract. Somehow. Featuring a cameo appearance by Nasty Nigel Lythgoe, after which some of the audience clap. Written by Dominic English; Additional material Kevin Day; Director Tristam Shapeero (S) (W) 10.00 We're Talking Tits: Antigua Episode seven of the reality-documentary series focusing on a large group of hedonistic hazybrains who all want to work in the meejia, but who you couldn't trust to go to the paper shop. Featuring music from Bitty McLean and Red Dragon. Narrated by the surprisingly unemployed Timothy West. Made by LWT's The Lab, so you can't tell from the pretentious, waffly credits which bit is whose fault (S) (W) 11.00 ITV Weekend News Fuck the peace process, it's Friday night! With Katie Derham. (S) Weather Martyn Davies (S) 11.20 London Tonight Unplanned Lucy Alexander and Alistair Stewart improvise around suggestions from an invited but hollering audience at the London Studios. (S) 11.45 You Bought This In Hollywood?! The first of two comic detective capers from the United States, starring Henry Rollins as hi-fi expert Kurt Tepper, and his hapless sidekick, Franklin the panther. (S) 12.45 AM GloriousWhole New series. Transfer to TV of the website described by its founders as the best of its kind on the web. Tonight, why negativity in the comedy world is a bad thing unless it's about an old trout like Victoria Wood, and why they sort of run out of steam after a bit, and wish they'd never made their bold prediction about their pet project. Last in the series. (S) 1.15 Robert Elms Looks His Age This week, style guru Robert looks back to 1983 and remembers being mildly drunk with Animal Nightlife.(R) 2.10 Men Playing Football Unrelated excerpts from the Beezer Homes League (season unknown). Hosted by Russ Williams. (R) 3.30 It Was A Spoof, We've Just Decided GloriousWhole's founders point out that their one-episode series was just a one-off to prove that negative comedy analysis is a pointless idea. Theme tune is "I Really Didn't Mean It" by Luther Vandross. (S) 4.20 Globes Of Pop Up-to-date profiles of tomorrow's stars. Tonight, The Longpigs think their career has only just started. (S) 5.00 Patti US sitcom starring Patti Smith as Patti Steinberg as a single woman working in publishing in the big city looking for promotion and, of course, men. (S) 5.30 - 6.00 AM ITV Morning News Ends 6.00am.	6.00 PM Friends Channel 4's head of acquisitions laughs openly at Sky One's recent output, currently showing Canada's Worst Cyclists. (R) (S) (W) 7.00 Channel 4 News 7.30 Right To Reply In a new look format, new host, E4's head of lager Steve Berry sits in a hermetically-sealed box and answers viewers complaints with the words, "La la la, I can't hear you, Channel 4 is better now, it IS!". Plus anecdotes about Morwenna Banks's tonsils. (S) 8.00 Brass Eye Night. Ends 11.05pm An evening of special programmes dedicated to the sometimes funny programme. 8.00 Shatner's Bassoon!: The Brass Eye Story The tale of how the controversial satirical comedy was snatched from BBC2 to be shown on Channel 4 in early 1997, fleshed out to obesity by all those clips of celebrities saying foolish things, like Noel Edmonds, and...er some others. Also, Nick Quackhandle, Matt Bumrape and seven youths all claiming the pseudonym Jez North from internet mailing list The Gitsurfers compare how many episodes they've got on video, and try to spell Iannucci, even though he wasn't in any of them. (S) *THE GITSURFERS COMMENT FURTHER IN AN EXCLUSIVE FEATURE, P39 9.00 Must We Sit Around And Eat Pies?: The Best Of Brass Eye Celebrities introduce the same twelve clips featured in the previous programme, in a compilation edition of Brass Eye put together by some sullen mediocrities with blunt scissors. Will provoke strong language in some viewers. (S) 9.30 Find Out What To Think Next!: The Sickest Show Ever Transmitted Preceding a repeat of the recent Brass Eye Special, transmitted bravely by brave Channel 4 in July 2001. Here is an opportunity to hear thousands of outraged parents, teachers and youth leaders being answered by clueless liberals saying, "No, no, it was satire! Are you all spazzes?" (S) 10.00 Ya-Boo!: The Brass Eye Special Following a documentary on the recent Brass Eye Special, a chance to see the recent Brass Eye special again. Director Tristam Shapeero; Producers Chris Morris and Phil Clarke (R) (S) (W) Complaints to: Channel 4, Horseferry Road, London. Write more than once, if you like. We don't care! 10.35 Brass Eye The Cake one, immediately considered to be the best episode of the original series by some insensibly drunk trainee managers who've seen the Cake episode but none of the others. Director Michael Cumming; Producers Caroline Leddy and Chris Morris (R) (S) 11.05 I Can Never Watch This Sort Of Programme In The Same Way Again An award-winning and sensitive Dispatches investigation from 1998, acclaimed by charities, counsellors, abuse survivors and sex offenders alike. Intercut with sequences of The Gitsurfers sniggering and wondering what Chris Morris would have done. Something outrageous, no doubt! 11.35 The Rather Similar Worlds Of Sacha Baron-Cohen The man behind Ali G, Sacha Baron-Cohen, returns to Channel 4 for a new series, moving away from his award-winning Ali G Show by way of some sketches starring Ali G. Also featuring three new characters, namely his Anglo-Austrian sex therapist Ian Freudslip, his well-observed Irish Jew Mr. Seamus O'Greenberg, and his Swearing Traffic Reporter Man, David Pisss. Written by Sacha Baron-Cohen and Dan Mazer, plus half-an-idea improvised by Harry Thompson (S) (W) 12.05 AM C***s Behind A Long Desk Joe Cornish turns round to see his reputation falling down the back of the studio set while L!VE-TV white elephant Imogen Edwards-Jones, another white elephant from Spaced, one of Kenickie whose subsequent TV career has in no way been related to her looks, and a bloke with a nose discuss David Beckham's washbag, Paul and Helen's shopping lists and the inability of Princess Productions. (S) 12.35 Weeing At Preteens Chaotic, late-night happenings in which the embarrassed former children's presenters Jamie Theakston, Katy Hill, Zoe Ball and Vernon Kay wee publicly in schoolyards and branches of the Early Learning Centre to show just how literally relieved they are to be out of the CBBC Zone. Plus wide-open shots of Sarah Cawood, profanities from Richard Bacon and another unwanted episode of Porno Pingu. (S) (W) Dani Behr, from BBC-1's Dad's Saturday Precum Moment (Saturdays, 9.15am) will be joining the Weeing At Preteens team at the first available opportunity. 1.15 The 100 Greatest Clips Of Kurt Cobain On The Word Another chance to see a countdown of the very best bits of Kurt Cobain introducing one of his band Nirvana's songs on the seminal, groundbreaking Channel 4 youth show The Word. Helping host Jamie Theakston to interrupt the clips will be Emma Jones from Smash Hits, Jo Whiley who will remind viewers every 90 seconds just how cleverly she booked the band, Terry Christian who is still very much alive, and Stuart Maconie who doesn't do this sort of thing anymore. Written by Stuart Maconie and John Robinson (S) (W) 3.25 The Adventures Of Some String Animated adventures from the late-1960s, originally designed as engaging, if low-budget fun for pre-school children, but now recycled as forgettable comedown murk. Today, String meets a horse, which is now amusingly regarded as some kind of heroin metaphor. With the voice of Peter Hawkins, rather than the urban myth that it was of Hunter S. Thompson. (S) 4.00 E-Mazing Programme made by Channel 4 assistant producers for Channel 4 assistant producers.(R) 5.15 Countdown. Ends 6.00am. Go to bed, you great oafs. They're hardly likely to show the bit where they've both got the word "wankers", are they? (R) (S) (W)	6.00 PM Home And Away Shown earlier 6.30 Isn't It That Bloke From Howard's Way? Shown earlier 7.00 Psychic Sidekicks Title that rolls off the tongue quite nicely. (S) 7.30 Shaky Footage Of Bad Men's Assistants Tonight, Nicolae Ceaucescu's PA. (S) 8.00 The Audience Are More Famous Karaoke game show, hosted by Suggs, in which Hollyoaks actors, regional traffic girls and hospital television personalities compete to see who can sing Boogie Oogie Oogie with the most interesting new melody. Tonight's special guests are some of Cast. (S) 9.00 FILM PREMIERE: Herman's Head: The Reunion Not starring Yeardley Smith, as she's being paid enough by Gracie Films these days (1999, PG) 10.50 FILM PREMIERE: Confessions Of An Ironist (1995, 18) 12.35 AM Bolivian Cricket Highlights from the Premier League. 3.40 Fijian Darts Live coverage from Suva. 5.00 Even Carlton Didn't Want It US sitcom starring Jim Belushi. (S) 5.30 The Singing Detective. Ends 6.25am. Previously shown on BBC1. (S)