HIDDEN ARCHIVE: Back To Normal With Eddie Monsoon
First published in April 2000 (in Edit News) and July 2005
Back To Normal With Eddie Monsoon
Mystery surrounds the 'banned' Comic Strip film An Evening With Eddie Monsoon. The film, billed as the sixth and final programme in the team's first Channel 4 series (07/2/83), is known to have been 'cancelled' by the station, but two things remain undocumented: (a) the precise reasons for the censure, and (b) whether or not any material for the programme had actually been shot.

The script of An Evening With Eddie Monsoon is printed in the Comic Strip scriptbook (Methuen, 1983) under the title Back To Normal With Eddie Monsoon. It is presented in a rough-and-ready style, as if crudely photocopied from a type-written manuscript. A cast list is given (Edmondson, Richardson, Planer, French, Saunders), but - with the exception of the guest appearance by Allan Pellay as himself - it is not completely obvious who took each part. The writing is credited to the five main performers plus Pete Richens.

The programme is a parody of a TV chat-show, presented by the violent, foul-mouthed, dipsomaniac, depressed and depressing Monsoon. He is assisted by four equally unpleasant presenters: Doug and Lionel (clearly Planer and Richardson), and Vag and Clitty (clearly French and Saunders). The show, which presumably required a tiny budget, all takes place in a garish lounge set, with Monsoon strapped to his wheelchair guzzling whisky; Doug and Lionel attempt to get off with Vag and Clitty, but they have little success (largely due to Clitty's violent ways of dealing with sexual advances). Eddie interviews Allan Pellay, and asks him "What was the worst moment of your life - being born a wog or a poof?". He then concludes with a song and the cast shout 'Party time!' as the credits roll.

Channel 4's reluctance to transmit the programme may have been due to the general nastiness (the show does appear to be an exercise in calculated profanity, Derek & Clive style, most of which was genuinely outrageous for the time), or they may have had more specific worries. A clue may be found in the film Eddie Monsoon - A Life?, which appeared, during the team's second series, on 04/2/84. This was a quite different venture: it was a documentary, presented by Tony Bilbow, looking back on Monsoon's troubled career. There were many fake clips and montages showing evidence of this (including, in a spirit of post modernism, footage of Edmondson performing for real at a comedy club, and newspaper headlines concerning the original banned film - the latter too faint to be read, unfortunately), and one of them was a clip from a 'failed pilot' called Back To Normal With Eddie Monsoon. The clip which illustrates this could conceivably be a genuine segment of An Evening With, or it could have been filmed specially: in any case, it gives a clear idea of how the film would have looked, with Edmondson in front of bright yellow wallpaper with a whisky bottle close at hand. Although he delivers the opening introduction from the Back To Normal script, it is noticeably different on certain lines; it also bastardises two separate monologues together which - in the script - were originally bridged by Doug and Lionel. This suggests that the sequence was filmed for A Life?, although the relatively poor quality of the film may tempt some viewers to postulate otherwise.

After this clip, we then see a spoof discussion between newsreader Peter Woods and Michael White, both of which are drowned out by Monsoon's drunken protests. Monsoon asks White to name 'just one thing' that was offensive about his programme; White obliges by producing a substantial list of offences. What is interesting is that all of White's objections were things that occurred in the original Evening With script, and it is therefore likely that they were taken directly from Channel 4's 'worry list':

"The item about how to get big things in your mouth"
- Vag had inserted a telephone receiver into her mouth during such a sequence.

"The things you said about Burt Reynolds"
- Monsoon tries to elicit some gossip from Pellay concerning Mr Reynolds' homosexuality; in so doing, he also alludes to Roger Moore and James Caan in the same way. Libel fears?

"The bit about stiffies"
- Lionel tells Clitty that he usually gets a 'stiffy' at ten o'clock.

"The cruelty to animals sequence"
- Monsoon had suggested that performing oral sex with a dog may be a good way to deal with bereavement.

Needless to say, An Evening With Eddie Monsoon is relatively tame stuff by 1999 standards. If the film exists, and the Comic Strip team wanted it transmitted, it is unlikely that they would encounter much opposition from Channel 4. If, however, the show was never filmed, then we see no reason why the team shouldn't get together and perform it as a reunion piece. On the condition perhaps that they retain the minuscule budget and refrain from tampering with the script. A bit of Vag and Clitty would certainly piss off the Absolutely Fabulous / Vicar Of Dibley plebs, anyway. And since Dawn French needs cheering up these days, perhaps Lenny Henry could take on the Pellay role?

[NOTE: The name 'Eddie Monsoon' was later adopted by Edmondson's wife Jennifer Saunders for her 'Absolutely Fabulous' character 'Edina Monsoon'. It's doubtful whether the plebs who bought the boxed sets understood this family in-joke…]

Oh, and here's the full script, formatted as individual 'pages' to match the layout in the book (which is of course long out of print).

"BACK TO NORMAL WITH EDDIE MONSOON"
A STUDIO LOUNGE SET with leather armchairs, tatty sofa, a coffee table littered with empty bottles and full ashtrays. A cocktail bar is on the right, complete with microwave oven. On the back wall there is a door leading to a hallway. On the left there is a drinks cabinet and a picture display. The lounge is full of gaudy colours (wallpaper) and plastic palms.
EDDIE MONSOON, completely pissed, is strapped in a wheelchair in the centre of the room.
EDDIE: Good evening you bastards. I'm Eddie Monsoon and this is my television show.
Holds up a whisky bottle
This is my bottle of whisky. These are my cigarettes and these are my so-called friends.
CUT TO:
DOUG and LIONEL PRESCOTT by the drinks cabinet. EDDIE continues in the background --
'my matches, my' ... etc.
LIONEL: Evening, viewers. How you doing?
Raises a glass of sherry.
I'm Lionel Prescott and this is my brother Douglas Prescott.
DOUG: Hello.
LIONEL: Sherry Doug?
DOUG: Don't mind if I do, Lionel.
BACK TO EDDIE
EDDIE: My hobbies are: drinking, smoking, swearing, and grouse shooting. I am not a cripple and I don't believe in self control. I hate: soft drinks, racing drivers, so-called lasting friendships, everyone who lives on the Isle of Wight, last orders, blind people and stupid hard faced cows who say they'll do it and then don't, even when they're pissed.
CUT TO:

VAG and CLITTY, standing by the cocktail bar. VAG
knocks over a sherry bottle.
VAG: Hello I'm Vag
CLITTY: And I'm Clitty.
EDDIE: (VO) Slags.
CLITTY: I want to talk to you... about alcoholism.
EDDIE: (VO) Keep your legs crossed you dirty cow.
VAG: And I'm going to show you what alcoholics like to eat.
EDDIE: (VO) Puss, puss, puss.
CLITTY: There are two kinds of alcoholics. Those that can't get enough to drink and those that can. If you're lucky enough to be in the second category you'll soon come across a problem that we all have to deal with sooner or later. Unconsciousness. This can slow down your drinking. If you want to drink yourself to death, here is a helpful tip.
She produces a sewing needle.
This is an ordinary sewing needle. When
you feel unconsciousness coming on, just ram it up under your fingernail, with a short jabbing motion.
VAG pours out a sherry.
VAG: Thanks Clitty. I expect you're wondering what do alcoholics eat? Naturally most of us would rather drink than eat, and to save valuable drinking time, many off-licences are now selling food. These are called supermarkets, and they carry a wide range of very fast foods. My favourite is instant smash.
Holds up packet.
Just take one mouthful... and wash it down with a large weak scotch.
She demonstrates this.
Ummm...delicious. And for the sweet, I suggest a couple of valium washed down with a large weak gin, will set you right for the evening.
CLITTY: And if you're not drinking alone?
VAG: Well for those special drinking occasions like your daughter's wedding, drown a nice plump turkey
Produces live turkey

VAG: ...in a pool of sherry.
Pours sherry over the turkey.
Then pop it in the microwave. (she does)
CLITTY: Ummm, that looks delicious Vag. I think we both deserve a large scotch.
There is a loud crash
CUT TO
EDDIE has fallen over and is foaming at the mouth.
EDDIE: Give me some scotch you bastards.
He tries to bite his way through the ropes.
CUT TO
DOUG and LIONEL with backs to camera studying two
posters on the wall
LIONEL: Outstanding
DOUG: A masterpiece.
LIONEL: A modern statement I should think.
DOUG: I agree it's the latest thing.
They turn and see the camera with mock surprise.
DOUG: Oh hello.
LIONEL: Hello again. Isn't modern art interesting. Here you have two modern painters. Both homosexuals. On the right we have a picture by America's Mr. Andy Warhol, and on the left another picture by our own Mr, David Hockney.
DOUG: Very nice.
LIONEL: Now if you look closely, you will notice that the Hockney is approximately a third of the size of the Warhol. But this one...
He points at the Hockney
costs more than this one. Now why is that?
DOUG: (Looks closely at the pictures)
Well er... maybe it's because Hockney has -- er -- you know, a richer colour sense, a more delicate line and -- er -- more palm trees.

LIONEL: That's exactly right Doug. Now this is where it gets interesting. You see Warhol wasn't slow to catch on. He soon tumbled to Hockney's game. It seemed like overnight, the wily Britisher had cornered the palm tree market
DOUG: So Hockney had him by the balls.
LIONEL: Briefly, yes. But Warhol wasn't done yet. He immediately set about making his pictures not only bigger but cheaper than Hockney's.
DOUG: How could he do that?
LIONEL: Mass production. By setting up an underground factory and reproducing his own pictures on the side, thereby undercutting Hockney.
DOUG: What a clever bastard.
LIONEL: Naturally, it wasn't long before Hockney tumbled his game and soon after that Warhol was found shot.
DOUG: Surprise, surprise.
CLITTY appears behind DOUG and LIONEL with a roll-up screen.
LIONEL: Alright Darling.
He winks at camera. DOUG winks too.
CLITTY: Eddie wants to show his slides.
DOUG: Oh, let me give you a hand.
They set up the screen.
LIONEL: Fancy a quick one down the Grevious Bodily Arms?
EDDIE: (VO) Not there stupid! Put it in the middle.
DOUG: Yeah -- with me as well. I'll come too.
CLITTY: I've got to help Eddie with his holiday slides.
EDDIE leers into a camera.
EDDIE: Holidays! Ha ha ha. Get it working you bastards.

LIONEL: How about the interval?
DOUG winks at the camera again.
EDDIE: (To camera) Hello. Holidays are mostly boring for me. If you go to the Norfolk Broads and you get on a boat, then you have miles and miles of wasteland between each pub. That's one kind of holiday. Some holidays like mountain climbing in Wales, you never get a decent reception on the telly. So I hate holidays like that and always go to Clapham Junction for my holidays now, and I stay with Sinky de Brink. We like to de-rail a few trains and have a good laugh. However, you get bored though doing the same thing every year don't you? Well, you do. This year I got myself interested in aeroplanes. Sometimes aeroplanes will crash for no reason at all. So for this year's holiday, I went to Heathrow Airport on the off chance.
He turns to the others. VAG in the meantime has been propping the slide projector up with telephone directories.
Ready! Go!
EDDIE presses the remote control button. A picture of Heathrow Airport appears on the screen.
Ha ha ha! heathrow Airport, International and seemingly safe.
PICTURE 2. The road tunnel entrance to Heathrow.
This is the entrance to Heathrow Airport. Gateway to the world's Duty Free Shops.
PICTURE 3. EDDIE leaning against the information desk talking to a girl behind it.
This is the information desk. And that's a woman that I'm asking if there's been any crashes today. But there isn't.
PICTURE 4. EDDIE on balcony with binoculars.
Here I am in the Queen's Building watching the runway in the hope of spotting tell-tale skid marks or bits of wreckage left behind in the smoke and chaos.
PICTURE 5. EDDIE drinking at a bar. The barman is watching him.

Bit quiet around here isn't it, I'm saying to this barman.
PICTURE 6: EDDIE whispering in barman's ear and waving a pound note.
This is me whispering to him and offering him money if he can tell me where I can get some souvenir wreckage.
PICTURE 7. BARMAN telling EDDIE to fuck off.
I don't think he knew anything.
PICTURE 8. EDDIE putting a packet of cigarettes in his pocket.
This is me stealing some fags.
PICTURE 9. EDDIE under a clock
This is the main airport clock. This clock goes non stop for twenty four hours and is looked at by people of all nationalities.
PICTURE 10. EDDIE smoking.
Still no luck so far.
PICTURE 11. EDDIE at the Lufthansa desk doing a Nazi salute.
Here I am chatting up some German girls.
PICTURE 12. EDDIE drinking at the bar.
Time for a break.
PICTURE 13. EDDIE listening to an airplane pilot's heart and giving a thumbs up.
This is an aeroplane pilot with a possible heart condition.
PICTURE 14. EDDIE poking the pilot in the eye with his finger.
Here I am trying to wind him up and bring on a heart attack.
PICTURE 15. EDDIE fleeing down the escalator.
Who is that hunk. It's Eddie Monsoon. Amateur Disaster Enthusiast... Ha ha ha.

PICTURE 16. Middle East businessman with briefcase.
This is an Arab with a bomb.
PICTURE 17: Plane taking off.
And this is the plane he took off in.
PICTURES 18/19/20: The same place [sic] at different stages off [sic] take-off.
PICTURE 21: The plane is a speck in the sky.
This is the same plane safely in the air. What a let down.
PICTURE 22: EDDIE in the bar.
This is me getting pissed again.
PICTURE 23: EDDIE outside ladies toilet.
And hanging around outside the ladies toilet.
PICTURE 24 A corridor. Security guard in foreground.
Down that passageway is where they keep the Duty Free. Ha ha.
PICTURE 25: AIR HOSTESS coming out of the ladies toilet. EDDIE is talking to her.
How many near crashes have you been in, I'm asking this pretty air hostess from Uganda.
PICTURE 26: Plane on the runway.
Another plane that didn't crash land.
PICTURE 27: A crowd of people waiting with signs like 'Embassy Hotel', 'Greenway Tours', 'Upton College' etc.
These are people touting for business from passengers who are tired and emotional.
PICTURE 28: EDDIE (in crowd) with placard saying: 'Go down on Eddie tours.'
PICTURE 29: EDDIE is talking to a girl with a huge rucksack. He has his arms in the air.
This is Jean from Sheffield, who is about to fly to Teneriffe. Her first time in an aeroplane. She is very nervous. Here I am telling her about the famous air crashes there.

PICTURE 30: Close-up of JEAN in tears.
This is JEAN again. I wouldn't mind giving her one. If she ever gets back.
PICTURE 31: Heathrow Airport at dusk
Heathrow Airport again. The picture was taken at opening time.
PICTURE 32: Another picture of the Airport at dusk.
Another nice picture. Here the airport looks black and dangerous... or is it?
PICTURE 33: EDDIE beside a sign saying Heathrow Airport.
Goodbye Heathrow -- see you next year. And that's the end of my holiday. Lights!
DOUG: That was very nice, Eddie.
VAG: Yes, I felt like I was there.
LIONEL: (At the drinks cabinet) Sherry anybody.
EDDIE: (Pacing up and down with excitement) Oh I've got loads more than that to show you.
(He swigs some scotch)
What's next on my television show! Where's the list!
CLITTY: (Taking a sherry from LIONEL) Here.
EDDIE: Quick, give it to me!
She fumbles.
Come on quickly, before those bastard adverts start!
He snatches it from her.
DOUG: There's still two minutes to go, Eddie.
EDDIE: Shut up! Where are we. Where are we. Er, Warhol, Hockney, Eddie's holiday... letters! Where are the letters?
VAG: You've got them.

EDDIE: I gave them to you, nymphomaniac. Oh, here they are.
He gets them out of his back pocket, leers at camera.
Ha ha ha. Here are some viewer's letters with problems.
He sits down.
Dear Eddie. This is a good one. 'I am happily married with two children, but three years ago at the office Christmas party I had sexual relations with my boss. Although the brief affair was quite short and didn't last very long, I still feel guilty. What should or shall I do. Please don't read my name out. Yours.'
He looks closely.
Mary Bryant. Twenty-seven Acorn Drive. Lionel?
LIONEL: Umm. I think the most practical advice I can give to you Mary, is that you find out everything you possibly can about your boss's past and, er, when you've done that, blackmail him. I think you'll find that a re-enactment of the affair in the presence of a photographer will be a great help. because let's face it, blackmail is not always as easy as it sometimes looks.
EDDIE: Doug?
DOUG: Well I think this is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. It really is. All I can say is, I wouldn't let a whore like you feed my children.
EDDIE: Vag?
VAG: Yes well this is obviously a personal dig at me, because you know perfectly well I met my late husband at an office romp. I find this kind of letter extremely offensive and I hope you get herpes.
EDDIE: (Swigs from a bottle) I think the answer's easy. (Burps) Don't make a mountain out of a molehill Mary. Tell your husband everything. Shoot the children, then emigrate.

CLITTY: Well I think you're all being very hard on Mary Bryant and I think...
EDDIE: Here's a funny one. Dear Eddie, recently my father died. His pet dog Chippy is so mournful, we don't know what to do with him. Ha ha ha. Vag.
VAG: Death is a very difficult time for all of us and I know that a loved one is irreplaceable but have you tried oral sex.
DOUG: I think prior to having Chippy destroyed and sent to Jesus you should examine the will very carefully because Chippy may be the sole beneficiary. I mean how big's the dog?
LIONEL: No I think before you put the dog down you should check that the father really is dead. because if he isn't and the dog's dead. The shock could kill him.
CLITTY: I'm sorry but I think Vag's got it totally wrong again. In my experience oral sex, especially with animals, doesn't solve anything. I think it is extremely dangerous and can lead to severe tooth decay.
EDDIE: (Checking his teeth) That's all bollocks. Just stick a banger up his arse and give him the key to the drinks cabinet.
Here's a good one.
'Dear Eddie. I have a problem with men. All I seem to get is one night stands. I seem unable to develop any kind of meaningful relationship with a man.'
VAG: What's the matter? You're getting it aren't you? If you want a meaningful relationship, get a dog.
CLITTY: Yes you seem to be one of those girls that rhymes with apple tart.
LIONEL: The way I see it is this. If a girl is pretty and attractive, she gets it a lot. And I think that as you've been over-penetrated you're obviously unfit for marriage. I suggest you become an alcoholic.
EDDIE: From your letter I can deduce you've obviously got big tits. So why don't you spread it round a bit.

DOUG: Yeah, what's the name and address.
EDDIE: Here's another one. 'Dear Eddie...'
"END OF PART ONE" APPEARS on the SCREEN. LIONEL gets up.
LIONEL: Let's pop round the pub.
EDDIE: Sit down you bastards, we haven't finished...
PART TWO
A proscenium with curtains closed. A fanfare PLAYS and the curtains open to reveal EDDIE's head. It is in fact a head-sized theatre and EDDIE's face takes up the entire stage.
EDDIE: Thank you. I will now, with completely no assistance, not even a garage -- I will now remove one of my eyeballs. Maybe this one or maybe not this one. Who can tell? I shall then insert it in my catapult and I shall hire [sic] it up. Yes I said up my nose, whereupon ladies it will miraculously reappear in the socket from whence it came. Either this one (winks) or this one (winks). So long as I sniff hard enough. As you can maybe imagine, this is a very stupid and dangerous thing to do, so before attempting it I shall drink this bottle of formaldehyde. Before I attempt this feat, let me issue the following warning to any children who may be watching this programme.
He looks close up at the camera lens.
Look out!!
Right music please.
The MUSIC STARTS. He drinks the entire bottle of formaldehyde and smacks his lips. He smiles at the camera, then collapses out of sight.
Get those alligators out of here.
CUT TO VAG pouring out a sherry.

VAG: A lot of career girls these days are finding that more and more they are under pressure to put big things in their mouths. If you've got a few minutes to spare each day try practising with a telephone.
She puts a telephone reciever in her mouth. A thin voice from the receiver says: "Hello, hello"
CUT TO LIONEL facing camera. behind him DOUG and CLITTY are sitting round the coffee table.
LIONEL: Hello again viewers. Here's a little piece called: 'I'm not sleeping with both of you.'
CLITTY: You get this straight, Douglas and Lionel Prescott. I'm not sleeping with both of you.
DOUG: Sleep? No we just want to do intercourse with you.
LIONEL: (At the drinks cabinet) Sherry Diana?
CLITTY: What, so I'll drink all night and won't know what I'm doing?
Takes drink.
LIONEL: Let me just captain the situation as I see it. We've been drinking now since seven o'clock. And by about ten o'clock we start to get a stiffy.
CLITTY: A what?
DOUG: A stiffy.
CLITTY: A stiffy?
DOUG: Yeah -- a stiffy.
LIONEL: Yes. Now usually on a Saturday night we can be almost certain to get a couple of birds who will have intercourse with us. Do you follow what I'm saying?
CLITTY: Oh I know what your game is. Physical pleasure.
DOUG: Good. Now we're getting somewhere.
LIONEL: However tonight, the young lady that Doug was buying drinks for... For some unknown reason didn't want to do it with Doug. Now without being personal, Diana, you are a tramp and everybody knows it!

CLITTY: Yes, yes, maybe I am a nymphomaniac and can't get enough of it, but I really don't like either of you.
DOUG: That's all right, we don't like you.
CLITTY: I mean you must admit that you're both quite ugly and I'm starting to sober up.
LIONEL: More sherry Diana?
DOUG: You're no bleedin' oil painting yourself.
LIONEL: Hold on, hold on. Let's recap the situation. We've all had a lovely night out and what with the drinks, the chicken in the basket and the forty Embassy, you've set me back thirteen pounds. So technically you're with me. Am I being fair?
DOUG: Yes, so what's your answer Diana? Are you going to sleep with both of us or not.
CLITTY: I can see now that it's all over. You've won me over you smooth talking bastards. You've ensnared me in your web of slimy innuendo and the woman in me can't take it anymore. Yes, let's have our night of fun in my hideaway love-nest. Once again a girl from a broken home seeks affection only to become a victim of her unnatural sex urge that leads to an orgy of all night drinking sessions and wild sex romps.
DOUG and LIONEL look at each other. Silence.
LIONEL: Sherry, Doug?
The door opens. EDDIE bursts in with THE MYSTERY GUEST. He has a paper bag over his head with a hole cut for the mouth.
EDDIE: Right, stand there! Mr. Mystery Guest!
EDDIE runs to the settee. VAG joins them.
Right. Go!
GUEST: I'm twenty four. I'm single. I was born under the sign of Leo and I'm a member of an ethnic minority.
EDDIE: Ha ha. Hard one this.

CLITTY: Are you an Eskimo?
GUEST: No I'm not.
VAG: You say that you're single and born under the sign of Leo. Are you a racing driver?
GUEST: No. But I wish I was.
EDDIE: Er, d'you take speed?
GUEST: Yes I do.
DOUG: Have you got any on you now?
GUEST: No I haven't.
LIONEL: Are you an ex-porn merchant supergrass?
GUEST: No I'm not.
EDDIE: Yes I know --- I know. Are you a cowardly, drug peddling Irish bomber dwarf, ha ha ha.
The others laugh.
GUEST: No I'm not.
DOUG: I've got it. You're an insolent, job snatching evil spastic train driving Aslef bastard!
GUEST: No I'm not.
VAG: Are you an ungrateful, dole scrounging glue-sniffing nurse/health worker?
GUEST: Er... no.
LIONEL: Ah I know. You're a balding, commie, child-molesting, chain smoking, ballot rigging, vegetarian, bastard, leader of the GLC?
GUEST: No I'm not.
CLITTY: Are you an unrepentant black homosexual?
GUEST: Yes I am.
LOUD APPLAUSE. GUEST takes off hood.

EDDIE: Ladies and gentlemen. Mr. Alan Pellay.
MORE APPLAUSE. He kicks DOUG.
Come on you, got to go now.
DOUG: What?
EDDIE: This is the big interview. So clear off you bastards.
They leave.
Where d'you want to sit, Alan? On the chair or the settee. If you have the chair, you'll have to sit on your own.
ALAN: Oh I really don't mind, love.
He sits on the chair.
EDDIE: Now question number one, Alan. What most people want to know about homos is what do they do in their spare time. You know, hobbies and things.
ALAN: Well I like reading and er...
He gets up and picks up a full ashtray.
D'you mind if I just clear this up. It's just that dirt attracts ghosts and demons. I've seen it happen, love.
He clears up as he's talking.
EDDIE: Oh good idea. Yes some people say I smell Alan, but I never mention it. What d'you think?
ALAN: Well I don't think a bar of soap and a tub of water would go amiss.
EDDIE: Sometimes I smell even worse than I do now.
ALAN: Look love, deep down everybody's the same. We're all shit really, aren't we.
EDDIE: That's what I think. They're all bastards.
ALAN: Umm.
EDDIE takes a swig. Pause.
EDDIE: Right, er... question number two. What's the worst thing that ever happened to you? Being born a wog or a poof?

ALAN: Well, Eddie.
EDDIE: Or maybe they're as bad as each other. What d'you think. Go ahead, be as technical as you like.
ALAN: Well anybody who knows me, Eddie, will tell you that I'm --- that I'm very happy with both my race and my sexuality. You know, I don't think I'd be any happier being white or a girl or anything.
EDDIE: What, not even Raquel Welch?
ALAN: Oh no.
EDDIE: Oh come on, Alan. If you were Raquel Welch you could be screwing Burt Reynolds or somebody really famous.
ALAN: There's more to life than Burt Reynolds, believe me.
EDDIE: Who then? Roger Moore? James Caan? Let's have some names. Who's sticking it up you?
ALAN: No Eddie, I'm through with all that. You know like the whole fake fag hag scene. Like I don't want to talk about David Bowie, you know... and I'm not going to talk about Garry Glitter or Elton. You know like Elton wanted me to be Lucy in the sky with Diamonds... you know like he does a big number on it and he wanted me to come down on a swing you know... like with all the sequins and veils. You know, like I was Lucy. That was like the climax of the show -- a really big number but like I won't do that now. I'm just not going to do that big drag queen number. I just won't regress unless it's for -- you know, big money. Like The Damned asked me to introduce them at the Hammersmith Odeon. I said I wanted a thousand pounds if I'm going to regress in front of those thugs.
EDDIE: So what do you want to do now then, Alan? Are you into some new kind of perversion?
ALAN: Well, Eddie, it depends what you mean by new?
EDDIE: Well you know, do you still like kissing blokes on the mouth and things like that?

ALAN: It's funny you should say that, Eddie, but one of the things I really hate is when they stick their tongues down your throat. It really turns me off.
EDDIE: Yeah me too.
ALAN: Funny isn't it.
EDDIE: This is where we stop talking now, Alan, because it's the end of the Eddie Monsoon interview.
ALAN: Well it's been wonderful, Eddie.
EDDIE: You see we've got these two women now, who are going to beat up men who rape women by having intercourse and sex and using force against their will at closing time.
CUT TO CLOSEUP of VAG's face.
VAG: Many alcoholics get into fights at closing time. This is because after a heavy night's drinking, the alcoholic quite understandably hates everybody. When this intense feeling appears, the quickest form of relief is called 'Hitting Out.' To do this you must first go into the Ladies toilet and change into one of these.
CAMERA PULLS BACK SHOWING VAG dressed in protective padding. With helmet and holding a spiked club.
Now you are ready for the brawl. Clitty is very kindly going to help me in this demonstration.
CLITTY: Well I'll do my best. (Smiles)
VAG: The best thing is to hit out first while the bitch still has a drink in her hand.
She smashes a bottle over CLITTY's head.
Or, failing that, hit her in the stomach on the way to the toilet.
She hits CLITTY in the stomach with the spiked club.

VAG: (CONT'D) Now that you've attracted her attention, you are ready to start brawling in earnest, and should get a few vicious blows in before the police arrive. Here are some of them.
You can try biting her ear off, one of my favourites. Or a finger in the ear followed by a knee in the crotch.
She demonstrates these on CLITTY.
Then stamp on her foot and hit the drunken cow in the face.
CLITTY falls over unconscious.
Now that you've filled her in, here are some ladylike ways of passing out.
VAG does a series of falls. CUT TO:
EDDIE sitting at the piano.
EDDIE: I am now going to play the piano and sing a song, but not necessarily in that order. Seeing as it's February, I thought I'd do one about last year. Nineteen Eighty-Two was a pile of pooh. Especially if you didn't make it through. Like Grace Kelly and Arthur Lowe, Harry H. Corbett and probably sooty as well, Ingrid Bergman, Arthur Askey, Leonid Breznev and the Queen Mother.
To know what happened in
Nineteen Eighty-Two
All you've got to do is read the papers
In July the obituary column
Was only three inches long.
There was quite an interesting article
on homosexual policemen.
Some people thought that bus fares
were too high
There was that Hell's angel who wanted
to kill his wife's lover with a bomb.
Richard Stilgoe sang a song about only
being able to buy screws in
packets of four.
Keep up the good work Richard.
He stops singing and notices a piece of glass on the floor.
Wait a minute! There's a piece of glass on the floor.
Deadly hush.

EDDIE: Hey! I said there's a piece of glass on the floor, you bastards!
Listens to his earphone.
yes I know it's a small piece of glass, but so's your cock.
Listens again and moves closer to the camera.
Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking to the producer, so mind your own business for a while.
Look Bob, I know I've got shoes on, but supposing we had a troupe of Maori Dancers in -- heh?
Listens.
Look, just because they can walk on fire doesn't mean they can walk on glass does it.
Listens.
No it doesn't.
Listens.
Oh so you've definitely seen them do it have you? Well when was the last time you were in Africa?
Listens
All right, New Zealand then! Bastards. Where was I? Who cares. Look, the best thing that happened last year was the Falklands. It's just a pity we didn't send two para to the world cup.
But here's a quick look at a few things that might brighten up 1983.
He sings again.
Factory. Farming
Repatriation
Capital punish
ment in schools
Labour camps
for the unemployed
Death penalty
for old age shoplifters

EDDIE: (Singing)
Hanging Australians
Five gold things
A bit more Argie Bargie
French Excocets
Right up their bums
And Scotch on the National
He repeat last line several times. The others appear, singing the last line. VAG is wheeling on the turkey, now black like charcoal. LIONEL has a tray of sherry.
VAG: That was a great song Eddie.
LIONEL: Sherries all round I think.
EDDIE: Bring on all the gear.
LIONEL: Well that was a great show, Eddie. I thought the darkie was very good.
DOUG: Show business, phew.
CLITTY: Yes, showbusiness, phew.
VAG: (Cutting the turkey) Next week, I'll be showing you how your husband should be hung.
Holds up noose.
With one of these.
CLITTY: And I'll be starting embalming for beginners.
VAG: Leg or feathers, Doug?
LIONEL: Next week we'll be showing you some of the new Prescott Sunshine Retirement Villas for the old and vulnerable.
EDDIE: I'll be talking about necrophillia with Willy Whitelaw and taking an in-depth look at Jewish persecution during World War Two. Did it really happen?
DOUG: And also I'll be miming to Johnny Mathis' latest single.

LIONEL: Umm. I'll be looking forward to that.
EDDIE: What a lot we'll all be doing. Well that's the end of the show. Hope you'll be tuning in next week, when we'll be getting -- back to normal!
ALL: Back to normal.
They all shout and jump up and down, shouting "Party Time. Music!"
"THE END"
Written by Adrian Edmonson, Dawn French, Nigel Planer, Peter Richardson, Pete Richens and Jennifer Saunders.
Starring:
EDDIE MONSOON VAG
DOUG PRESCOTT CLITTY
LIONEL PRESCOTT ALAN PELLAY
Directed by Bob Spiers