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ON TELECINE:
ERIC: Good evening. Later on this evening
you'll be able to see a recording of
the Gala Show from the Royal Albert
Docks. Nelson Buchanan will be intro-
ducing a star spangled cast to the
Northern Light Audience under their |
DAVID DRAWING ON MONITOR
WHILE ERIC SPEAKS |
leader Herr Von Knutt, before the
gracious presence of His Royal Highness
the Maharishi of Kesh and Mrs. Smith.
Highlights of the evening will include
Brian Purdy and Tina the tiny tadpole,
Robert Noonan, magic in the bubble
bath, Queenie Harbridge the stripping
vicar, and Victor the performing herring.
DAVID RUBS OUT DRAWINGS.
ERIC: (SOUND ON T/C) The whole show
is in aid of the Beginners at Home
Charity and was first broadcast before
an uninvited audience in 1947.
OUT TO ERIC WITH DAVID'S DRAWING ON
HIS FACE
I suppose you think that's funny.
Meanwhile for the next half-hour, Do
Not Adjust Your Set.
Signature Tune |
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2. INTRODUCTIONS | |
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ERIC, MICHAEL, TERRY AND DAVID.
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ALL: |
Good evening.
My name is |
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
David Jason
Michael Palin |
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(PAUSE) |
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ALL: |
My name is |
Eric Idle
Terry Jones
David Jason
Michael Palin |
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Look, do you mind not speaking when
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I'm speaking. My name is | |
Eric
Terry
David
Michael |
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Do you mind not speaking when I'm
speaking. I'm not speaking when
you're speaking. You're speaking when
I'm speaking. No I'm not. All I
wanted to say is that my name is......
Look you go ahead. No, no after you.
(PAUSE) Well go on. Oh well, if
you're not going to do it, I will. My
name is.....Oh I give up, here is
Denise Coffey.
DENISE: (MIMING TO PRE-RECORDED SPEECH)
Thank you. In case you didn't catch
their names, they were
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Eric Idle
Terry Jones
David Jason
Michael Palin |
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DENISE: (cont.)
And now here are Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah
Band.
BONZOS: Hello.
CORNY CHORD PLAY-OFF FROM BONZOS
Sorry! |
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CHICKEN BONES QUICKIE | |
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TERRY: Here is David Jason to tell
you what to do with those left over
chicken bones.
DAVID: Throw them in the dustbin.
TERRY: And now here's Eric Idle with
a special announcement.... |
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RABBITS INTRO TO
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC |
ERIC: Hello. Unfortunately we seem
to have mislaid the latest episode of
the Captain Fantastic film, so instead
they've asked me to come along and
speak to you for two or three minutes
on the subject of rabbit care.
Well rabbit care can be an interesting
and a fascinating study......excuse
me a second.......oh well, good news
I'm afraid.....they've found the
Captain Fantastic series....so that's
all from me about rabbit care......I
did so much want to speak about it...
I shall never get another chance now
(SOB SOB) .....I wanted to talk
about bunnies.....they're very nice... |
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THE LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN FANTASTIC
“THE MAGNETIC FIELD” |
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NARRATOR: The story so far.
Mrs. Black, the most evil
woman in the world, has been
chased away from Nowhere
Station, and is making bad
her escape together with her
sinister Blit Men. But
Captain Fantastic is hot on
her trail! |
MRS. BLACK AND THE BLITMEN RUNNING
DOWN HILL. |
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DAVID: This is Captain Fan-
tastic speaking. In no time
at all I was mobile!
(mutters) |
RUNS DOWN HILL AND SEIZES BIKE FROM
ASTONISHED PASSER BY, AND RIDES
DOWN HILL.
FALLS OFF BIKE |
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NARRATOR: Into what deadly
trap was Mrs. Black luring
our intrepid hero? |
MRS. BLACK AT GATE OF MAGNETIC FIELD.
RUN INTO FIELD TOWARDS THE MAGNET.
BLIT MEN JOIN HER |
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DAVID: I soon caught up.
But....they were nowhere to
be seen....... |
RIDES PAST ON BICYCLE, AND HE SOESN'T
SEE MRS BLACK. CYCLES ON – MRS.
BLACK TURNS HER MAGNET ON HIM, AND
HE IS WHISKED BACKWARDS UP THE HILL
TO THE GATE. |
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DAVID: Something told me I
was getting warm. Yes –
there she was! In a Mag- | |
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netic field! I advanced
fearlessly...... |
CLIMBS THROUGH GATE AND FLICKS PIECE
OF MUD OFF HIS UMBRELLA WHICH HITS
MRS. BLACK.
FURIOUS, SHE SENDS BLIT MEN TO
ATTACK HIM. THEY ADVANCE. |
DAVID: As the Blit Men att-
acked I instantly employed
my Anti-Personnel Manoeuvre
No. 3 – er correction No. 3a |
HE OVER-POWERS THEM. |
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MRS. BLACK POINTS MAGNET AT HIM. |
Suddenly I was the centre of
attraction! |
SUDDENLY VARIOUS OBJECTS FLY UP
AND STICK TO HIM |
She was playing with me, and
I was powerless
Left without a weapon, I
was surrounded on all sides
by two Blit Men! And I
watched helpless as Mrs.
Black turned her magnet..on
London! So this was her
devilish plan: to disrupt
the heart of the Empire and
seize control of the Metropolis! |
HAT FLIES UP TO TREE AND HE IS ATT-
RACTED UP INTO IT.
UMBRELLA FLIES FROM HIS HAND TO
MAGNET
MRS. BLACK SEIZES IT AND FLINGS IT
AWAY, TWO BLIT MEN SEIZE HIM AND
HOLD HIM PRISONER AS SHE TURNS HER
MAGNET TOWARDS LONDON. |
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As she finished, I was hurled
at the enormous magnet, and
there – I STUCK!! |
THE BLIT MEN RELEASE CAPTAIN FAN-
TASTIC. HE LANDS ON MAGNET AND
STICKS THERE. |
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NARRATOR: Can Captain Fan-
tastic get off the magnet?
Can he stop Mrs. Black? Can
you come back next week for..
CAPTAIN FANTASTIC?!! | |
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“RABBITS” CLOSE TO PART ONE |
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ERIC: Well that was instead of my
three minute talk on rabbit care,
however there is a couple of seconds
to talk to you about rabbits.
Now you see rabbits are exciting and
interesting because they're all.....
SIGNATURE TUNE PLAYOFF TO END OF
PART ONE. |
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PLAY-ON TO PART TWO |
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JAMES WATT | |
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CAPTION AND VOICE OVER (MICHAEL)
“GREAT DISCOVERIES OF OUR TIME”
“JAMES WATT DISCOVERS THE STEAM
ENGINE FROM THE SIMPLE KETTLE”
DENISE: James?
DAVID: What?
DENISE: James?
DAVID: What?
DENISE: Do you not notice anything
strange about the way the kettle's
boiling?
DAVID: How do you mean Janet?
DENISE: Well do you not see the
steam pouring out. D'you not
think it could be harnessed to pro-
vide a form of transport?
DAVID: ...You mean a travelling
kettle?
DENISE: Aye James. A kettle
that could travel from London to
Glasgow in five hours flat
DAVID: Aye, you could have Express
Kettles, and stopping
kettles, and even cattle kettles.
DENISE: And kettle spotters.
DAVID: D'you realise, Janet, you
could have kettle ways all over the
world?
DENISE: And even electric kettles..
Aye...mmmmmm.
DAVID: Aye, and you know, I can see
it now, on the hoardings of the
land....It's quicker by kettle...
and – and Kettle fares up.
DENISE: Kettle fares down.
DAVID: Aye aye and kettles go slow,
Prime Minister steps in.
DENISE: Mmmmm – Mmmmmm.
ENTER ERIC:
DAVID: Ah it's you is it my boy,
and about time too. Look at the
hour.
ERIC: I'm sorry father, the train
was late. | |
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INTRO TO BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND |
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TERRY STANDING WITH PHOTO BLOW UP
OF FISHNET LEGS IN FRONT OF HIM.
TERRY: And now, Bonzo Dog Doo-Dah
Band and Ali Baba's camel.
HE TURNS A LITTLE TOWARDS THEM TO LEAD
APPLAUSE, AS HE DOES SO, THE LEGS FALL
FORWARD TO REVEAL HIM WEARING FISHNET
TIGHTS. | |
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BONZO DOG DOO-DAH BAND |
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VIVIAN: |
You've heard of Ali Baba
40 thieves had he
Out for what we all want
Lots of £. s. d.
He also had a camel
Stole it from a zoo
How he loved the camel
And the camel loved him too |
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Oh how the camel loved Ali Baba |
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Ali Baba's camel
Had run for miles and miles
His tail was pointing backwards
That's how a camel smiles
But Ali and his camel
They were both out of breath
They'd run so far, and laughed
so much,
They laughed themselves to
death.
( bars death march)
Gather round the camp fire
Sing a roundelay
But don't sing out of tune
though
Eggs are cheap today
Sing of Ali Baba
Sing about his men
Sing about his camel and then
Sing it all again.
PHONE RINGS |
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VIVIAN: |
(PICKING IT UP) Hello? |
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GROUP: |
Oh how the camel loved Ali Baba |
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VIVIAN: |
Ali Baba's camel
Loved Ali Baba so
No matter where he went to
The camel had to go
Some say that he's in heaven
But this I know so well
Where ever you think Ali's
gone
His camel's gone to
[note: second 'o' typed then erased.]
(6 BARS INSTRUMENTAL) |
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VIVIAN: |
Oh how the camel loved Ali
Baba
Oho Noooooooooo. | |
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DANCING CLASS |
NOTICE ON WALL “MYRTLE GOODBODY”
CLASSES 5.30 – 7 p.m.
MICHAEL, TERRY, DAVID AND ERIC SITTING
ON CHAIRS MUTTERING.
DENISE ENTERS.
DENISE: Good evening boys.
BOYS: Evening Miss Goodbody.
DENISE: (TO EMPTY CHAIRS) Good evening
girls.....Oh, dear, there don't seem
to be any girls at class this evening.
Oh well, two of you boys will have to
be girls, then. Now who's it going
to be? (LONG PAUSE)
Oh come on, we can't start the class
till there's some girls here – hey,
Terry, Terry, you haven't been a girl
for a bit have you.
TERRY: Oh no, I was a girl last week
Miss.
DENISE: Well, I've been a girl all
my life and I'm not complaining am I?
Go on sit over there. That's right
dear. And Eric you can be his little
friend. That's it, dear. Now then
I think we're – oh Good evening Miss
Prentergast, not very late this evening
dear. Now then. Who remembers wht
we did last week? Anybody? Michael?
MICHAEL: Er.
DENISE: Terry? ....No?
Oh well we're just going to have to
do it all over again. (GRUMBLING
FROM BOYS) Ready Miss Prentergast
dear? (MORE GRUMBLING) Oh dear, now
come along David, you're the nearest
gentlemen, that's right, stand there
dear. Now remember what I told you
last week. Ready Miss P.
And – BOW (MUSIC STARTS) And – left
foot forward, then take the hand and
up and push (SHE FORCED HIS ARM BEHIND
HIS BACK IN A HALF NELSON) and head-
lock! (THROWS DAVID TO HIS KNEES)
and release (SHE LETS GO OF HIM AND
HE FALLS TO THE FLOOR)
Right now, that's very good. Now
we'll do that with partners. Boys
pick the girls now. Terry sit down
you're a girl, that's right dear...
TERRY: (MUMBLING) Oh yes.
DENISE: Come along now, take you
partners gentlemen, that's right.
Hurry up now do it nicely.....Oh Miss
Prentergast, you played that beauti-
fully dear. Come along now, sort
yourselves out, that's right.
Right now, are we ready? Thank you
Miss P. And bow – And left foot
forward, and take the hand, and up,
and push...and headlock........and
release. Very good. Very good.
Right now, hurry back to your places –
hurry back to your places, because
we're now coming up to what is perhaps
one of the most difficult aspects of
these self-defence classes – it'll
prove invaluable to you on an evening
out – it's how to deal with an attack
by an armed stranger from behind –
without music.
BOYS: Oh no, not without music Miss
Goodbody. No.
DENISE: Well if you're walking down
a dark alleyway at midnight I think
it's extremely unlikely that Miss
Prentergast will be there to aid you
with her piano. Now then I am an
innocent person and I'm walking along
and you are a gang of rough thugs who
are going to attack e from behind.
Right? Come along get into your
places, dears, That's right Michael
don't sit picking your nails like that
dear. Come along – come along now –
now get in a nice – – get in a – –
get in a nice straight – – get in a
nice straight line. That's right.
Now, are we ready? And attack......
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(THE BOYS IGNORE HER)
.....And attack......Come on, you're
supposed to surprise me from behind..
oh dear dear, you left that too late
didn't you?
DAVID: Oh Miss Goodbody – we – we
DENISE: What is it dear?
DAVID: We – we – we'd rather –
DENISE: Oh tell me later – tell me
later, now you've got to....
DAVID: But Miss Goodbody – we don't
want to do it.
MIKE AND TERRY: No, no.
DENISE: But you've got to do it if
you want to survive...Now come on,
now don't be wet. Right then and..
attack (THEY GRAB HOLD OF HER)
That's very good dear, now I do a
quick chop to the...oh well.....I do..
I do.....a quick....ooooooh ....you
do a......oooh...What are you......
that's next week's lesson fellas.....
(THE BOYS PUSH DENISE INTO CUPBOARD)
Doris, Doris, dear, do your chop dear..
Doris. (THEY CLOSE THE DOOR ON HER.
DENISE IS SCREAMING FROM INSIDE)
MICHAEL: Music please, Miss Prenter-
gast.
NEIL AT PIANO STARTS PLAYING AND THE
BOYS TAKE THEIR PARTNERS AND DANCE
ROUND THE SET. |
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LUNCH QUICKIE |
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DENISE HUMMING. ENTER DAVID AS
BUSINESS MAN.
DAVID: Hello Mother. Is lunch ready?
DENISE: Yes dear.
DAVID: Good. Got an important
meeting in the office this afternoon.
HE SITS ON HER LAP AND SHE FEEDS HIM
WITH BABY'S BOTTLE. |
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HORSE DOCTOR |
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ERIC SITTING AT DESK IN DOCTORS
SURGERY. ERIC AS DOCTOR.
ERIC: Next.
TERRY ENTERS WITH HORSES HEAD ON.
ERIC: Ah, come in Mr. Weston, sit
down.
TERRY ENTERS WHINNYING.
ERIC: Fine, let's have a look at the
hand, isn't it?
TERRY WHINNIES
ERIC: Well the trouble seems to be
clearing up wonderfully, doesn't it?
Yes, well look, I'll keep you on the
ointment...but..just kep rubbing it
on at night, and.. er .. it'll teach
you not to play rugger three times a
week, won't it?
TERRY WHINNIES
ERIC: Now, was there anything else?
TERRY WHINNIES FRANTICALLY
ERIC: Oh yes, the cough. O.K. Cough.
TERRY GIVES HOARSE COUGH.
ERIC: Well that's clearing up marvel-
lously isn't it? Just keep on with
the cough mixture, I'll keep you on
that, and I'll – I'll see you again
next week, O.K.? O.K.?
TERRY GETS UP TO LEAVE.
ERIC: Bye bye. Oh by the way how's
the wife getting along, is she alright
nowadays? HE GETS UP TO REVEAL THAT
HE IS WEARING HORSES LEGS
BONZOS PLAY-OFF |
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BURBLEDRAMA |
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ERIC: (V.O.PRE-RECORDED)
It is a moment of great excitement when
one manages to unearth a lost theat-
rical art-form. We on Do Not Adjust
Your Set have made just such a dis-
covery and it is with pride that we
give you the first television present-
ation of an old time Victorian Burble-
drama.
DAVID AND DENISE AS LOVERS...
DAVID: (PASSIONATELY) Burble burble
burble.
DENISE: (EQUALLY PASSIONATELY) Burble
burble burble..
DAVID: (BRAVELY) Burble, it's burble
burble. (HE LEAVES HER)
DENISE: (TRAGICALLY) Burble burble...
burble....SOB......oh burble burble
burble, SOB SOB ....burble burble
burble....
KNOCK AT DOOR.
DENISE: (HOPEFULLY) burble?
(SUMMONING) Burble..
ENTER TERRY AS VILLAIN.
TERRY: (EVILLY) Burble.
DENISE: (TERRIFIED) Burble.
TERRY: (SINISTER) Burble burble.
DENISE: (GREAT TERROR) Burble burble
burble...
TERRY: Aha, burble burble.
DENISE: Burble
TERRY: Burble
DENISE: Burble burble
TERRY: Burble burble burble..
DENISE: (SCREAMING) Burble burble
burble....
TERRY: Burble aha burble..
DENISE: (SCREAMING) Burble.
ENTER DAVID:
DAVID: (FURIOUS) Burble. Burble
burble burble.
TERRY: (FOILED) Burble burble.
DAVID: Burble....SCUFFLE...burble.
TERRY: (LIVID) Burble burble
DAVID: Burble.
TERRY: Aaaaargh...Burble.
DAVID: Oh burble.
TERRY: (CUNNINGLY) Burble AhA!!
TERRY
GETS OUT GUN BANG!!!
DENISE: (HYSTERICAL) ooooooooh burble
burble (Breakong [sic] down) burble burble.
DENISE SOBBING.
DAVID: (VERY LAST GASP) Burble...
MORE SOBBING FROM DENISE.
TERRY: (TRIUMPHANTLY) Ha ha burble
burble....
DENISE: (SCREAMING) Burble burble,
burble.
POLICE WHISTLE. ENTER MICHAEL AS
POLICEMAN.
MIKE: Burble burble burble
TERRY: (FOILED AGAIN) Burble burble..
DENISE:.......Er...prompt?
ERIC: (OFF) Burble Burble
DENISE: Oh – burble burble
MIKE: Burble burble
TERRY: Burble burble (FURIOUS)
TERRY AND DENISE: Burble
MICHAEL: Burble burble
DENISE: Burble burble burble
MICHAEL: Burble burble, burbley burble
Burble all.
DENISE: (TO DAVID) Burble burble????
DAVID: (SUDDENLY ALIVE) Burble burble
DENISE: (OVERJOYED) Burble
DAVID: (TENDERLY) Burble. |
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BURBLE GOODBYE |
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ERIC: BURBLES GOODBYE TO VIEWERS.
CLOSING CREDITS
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