ALAN: Well, Eddie. EDDIE: Or maybe they're as bad as each other. What d'you think. Go ahead, be as technical as you like. ALAN: Well anybody who knows me, Eddie, will tell you that I'm --- that I'm very happy with both my race and my sexuality. You know, I don't think I'd be any happier being white or a girl or anything. EDDIE: What, not even Raquel Welch? ALAN: Oh no. EDDIE: Oh come on, Alan. If you were Raquel Welch you could be screwing Burt Reynolds or somebody really famous. ALAN: there's more to life than Burt Reynolds, believe me. EDDIE: Who then? Roger Moore? James Caan? Let's have some names. Who's sticking it up you? ALAN: No Eddie, I'm through with all that. You know like the whole fake fag hag scene. Like I don't want to talk about David Bowie, you know... and I'm not going to talk about Garry Glitter or Elton. You know like Elton wanted me to be Lucy in the sky with Diamonds... you know like he does a big number on it and he wanted me to come down on a swing you know... like with all the sequins and veils. You know, like I was Lucy. That was like the climax of the show -- a really big number but like I won't do that now. I'm just not going to do that big drag queen number. I just won't regress unless it's for -- you know, big money. Like The Damned asked me to introduce them at the Hammersmith Odeon. I said I wanted a thousand pounds if I'm going to regress in front of those thugs. EDDIE: So what do you want to do now then, Alan? Are you into some new kind of perversion? ALAN: Well, Eddie, it depends what you mean by new? EDDIE: Well you know, do you still like kissing blokes on the mouth and things like that?

ALAN: It's funny you should say that, Eddie, but one of the things I really hate is when they stick their tongues down your throat. It really turns me off. EDDIE: Yeah me too. ALAN: Funny isn't it. EDDIE: This is where we stop talking now, Alan, because it's the end of the Eddie Monsoon interview. ALAN: Well it's been wonderful, Eddie. EDDIE: You see we've got these two women now, who are going to beat up men who rape women by having intercourse and sex and using force against their will at closing time. CUT TO CLOSEUP of VAG's face. VAG: Many alcoholics get into fights at closing time. This is because after a heavy night's drinking, the alcoholic quite understandably hates everybody. When this intense feeling appears, the quickest form of relief is called 'Hitting Out.' To do this you must first go into the Ladies toilet and change into one of these. CAMERA PULLS BACK SHOWING VAG dressed in protective padding. With helmet and holding a spiked club. Now you are ready for the brawl. Clitty is very kindly going to help me in this demonstration. CLITTY: Well I'll do my best. (Smiles) VAG: The best thing is to hit out first while the bitch still has a drink in her hand. She smashes a bottle over CLITTY's head. Or, failing that, hit her in the stomach on the way to the toilet. She hits CLITTY in the stomach with the spiked club.

VAG: (CONT'D) Now that you've attracted her attention, you are ready to start brawling in earnest, and should get a few vicious blows in before the police arrive. Here are some of them. You can try biting her ear off, one of my favourites. Or a finger in the ear followed by a knee in the crotch. She demonstrates these on CLITTY. Then stamp on her foot and hit the drunken cow in the face. CLITTY falls over unconscious. Now that you've filled her in, here are some ladylike ways of passing out. VAG does a series of falls. CUT TO: EDDIE sitting at the piano. EDDIE: I am now going to play the piano and sing a song, but not necessarily in that order. Seeing as it's February, I thought I'd do one about last year. Nineteen Eighty-Two was a pile of pooh. Especially if you didn't make it through. Like Grace Kelly and Arthur Lowe, Harry H. Corbett and probably sooty as well, Ingrid Bergman, Arthur Askey, Leonid Breznev and the Queen Mother. To know what happened in Nineteen Eighty-Two All you've got to do is read the papers In July the obituary column Was only three inches long. There was quite an interesting article on homosexual policemen. Some people thought that bus fares were too high There was that Hell's angel who wanted to kill his wife's lover with a bomb. Richard Stilgoe sang a song about only being able to buy screws in packets of four. Keep up the good work Richard. He stops singing and notices a piece of glass on the floor. Wait a minute! There's a piece of glass on the floor. Deadly hush.

EDDIE: Hey! I said there's a piece of glass on the floor, you bastards! Listens to his earphone. yes I know it's a small piece of glass, but so's your cock. Listens again and moves closer to the camera. Excuse me ladies and gentlemen, I'm talking to the producer, so mind your own business for a while. Look Bob, I know I've got shoes on, but supposing we had a troupe of Maori Dancers in -- heh? Listens. Look, just because they can walk on fire doesn't mean they can walk on glass does it. Listens. No it doesn't. Listens. Oh so you've definitely seen them do it have you? Well when was the last time you were in Africa? Listens All right, New Zealand then! Bastards. Where was I? Who cares. Look, the best thing that happened last year was the Falklands. It's just a pity we didn't send two para to the world cup. But here's a quick look at a few things that might brighten up 1983. He sings again. Factory. Farming Repatriation Capital punish ment in schools Labour camps for the unemployed Death penalty for old age shoplifters

EDDIE: (Singing) Hanging Australians Five gold things A bit more Argie Bargie French Excocets Right up their bums And Scotch on the National He repeat last line several times. The others appear, singing the last line. VAG is wheeling on the turkey, now black like charcoal. LIONEL has a tray of sherry. EDDIE: That was a great song Eddie. LIONEL: Sherries all round I think. EDDIE: Bring on all the gear. LIONEL: Well that was a great show, Eddie. I thought the darkie was very good. DOUG: Show business, phew. CLITTY: Yes, showbusiness, phew. VAG: (Cutting the turkey) Next week, I'll be showing you how your husband should be hung. Holds up noose. With one of these. CLITTY: And I'll be starting embalming for beginners. VAG: Leg or feathers, Doug? LIONEL: Next week we'll be showing you some of the new Prescott Sunshine Retirement Villas for the old and vulnerable. EDDIE: I'll be talking about necrophillia with Willy Whitelaw and taking an in-depth look at Jewish persecution during World War Two. Did it really happen? DOUG: And also I'll be miming to Johnny Mathis' latest single.

LIONEL: Umm. I'll be looking forward to that. EDDIE: What a lot we'll all be doing. Well that's the end of the show. Hope you'll be tuning in next week, when we'll be getting -- back to normal! ALL: Back to normal. They all shout and jump up and down, shouting "Party Time. Music!" "THE END" Written by Adrian Edmonson, Dawn French, Nigel Planer, Peter Richardson, Pete Richens and Jennifer Saunders. Starring: EDDIE MONSOON VAG DOUG PRESCOTT CLITTY LIONEL PRESCOTT ALAN PELLAY Directed by Bob Spiers