EDDIE: I gave them to you, nymphomaniac. Oh, here they are. He gets them out of his back pocket, leers at camera. Ha ha ha. Here are some viewer's letters with problems. He sits down. Dear Eddie. This is a good one. 'I am happily married with two children, but three years ago at the office Christmas party I had sexual relations with my boss. Although the brief affair was quite short and didn't last very long, I still feel guilty. What should or shall I do. Please don't read my name out. Yours.' He looks closely. Mary Bryant. Twenty-seven Acorn Drive. Lionel? LIONEL: Umm. I think the most practical advice I can give to you Mary, is that you find out everything you possibly can about your boss's past and, er, when you've done that, blackmail him. I think you'll find that a re-enactment of the affair in the presence of a photographer will be a great help. because let's face it, blackmail is not always as easy as it sometimes looks. EDDIE: Doug? DOUG: Well I think this is the most disgusting thing I've ever heard. It really is. All I can say is, I wouldn't let a whore like you feed my children. EDDIE: Vag? VAG: Yes well this is obviously a personal dig at me, because you know perfectly well I met my late husband at an office romp. I find this kind of letter extremely offensive and I hope you get herpes. EDDIE: (Swigs from a bottle) I think the answer's easy. (Burps) Don't make a mountain out of a molehill Mary. Tell your husband everything. Shoot the children, then emigrate.

CLITTY: Well I think you're all being very hard on Mary Bryant and I think... EDDIE: Here's a funny one. Dear Eddie, recently my father died. His pet dog Chippy is so mournful, we don't know what to do with him. Ha ha ha. Vag. VAG: Death is a very difficult time for all of us and I know that a loved one is irreplaceable but have you tried oral sex. DOUG: I think prior to having Chippy destroyed and sent to Jesus you should examine the will very carefully because Chippy may be the sole beneficiary. I mean how big's the dog? LIONEL: No I think before you put the dog down you should check that the father really is dead. because if he isn't and the dog's dead. The shock could kill him. CLITTY: I'm sorry but I think Vag's got it totally wrong again. In my experience oral sex, especially with animals, doesn't solve anything. I think it is extremely dangerous and can lead to severe tooth decay. EDDIE: (Checking his teeth) That's all bollocks. Just stick a banger up his arse and give him the key to the drinks cabinet. Here's a good one. 'Dear Eddie. I have a problem with men. All I seem to get is one night stands. I seem unable to develop any kind of meaningful relationship with a man.' VAG: What's the matter? You're getting it aren't you? If you want a meaningful relationship, get a dog. CLITTY: Yes you seem to be one of those girls that rhymes with apple tart. LIONEL: The way I see it is this. If a girl is pretty and attractive, she gets it a lot. And I think that as you've been over-penetrated you're obviously unfit for marriage. I suggest you become an alcoholic. EDDIE: From your letter I can deduce you've obviously got big tits. So why don't you spread it round a bit.

DOUG: Yeah, what's the name and address. EDDIE: Here's another one. 'Dear Eddie...' "END OF PART ONE" APPEARS on the SCREEN. LIONEL gets up. LIONEL: Let's pop round the pub. EDDIE: Sit down you bastards, we haven't finished... PART TWO A proscenium with curtains closed. A fanfare PLAYS and the curtains open to reveal EDDIE's head. It is in fact a head-sized theatre and EDDIE's face takes up the entire stage. EDDIE: Thank you. I will now, with completely no assistance, not even a garage -- I will now remove one of my eyeballs. Maybe this one or maybe not this one. Who can tell? I shall then insert it in my catapult and I shall hire [sic] it up. Yes I said up my nose, whereupon ladies it will miraculously reappear in the socket from whence it came. Either this one (winks) or this one (winks). So long as I sniff hard enough. As you can maybe imagine, this is a very stupid and dangerous thing to do, so before attempting it I shall drink this bottle of formaldehyde. Before I attempt this feat, let me issue the following warning to any children who may be watching this programme. He looks close up at the camera lens. Look out!! Right music please. The MUSIC STARTS. He drinks the entire bottle of formaldehyde and smacks his lips. He smiles at the camera, then collapses out of sight. Get those alligators out of here. CUT TO VAG pouring out a sherry.

VAG: A lot of career girls these days are finding that more and more they are under pressure to put big things in their mouths. If you've got a few minutes to spare each day try practising with a telephone. She puts a telephone reciever in her mouth. A thin voice from the receiver says: "Hello, hello" CUT TO LIONEL facing camera. behind him DOUG and CLITTY are sitting round the coffee table. LIONEL: Hello again viewers. Here's a little piece called: 'I'm not sleeping with both of you.' CLITTY: You get this straight, Douglas and Lionel Prescott. I'm not sleeping with both of you. DOUG: Sleep? No we just want to do intercourse with you. LIONEL: (At the drinks cabinet) Sherry Diana? CLITTY: What, so I'll drink all night and won't know what I'm doing? Takes drink. LIONEL: Let me just captain the situation as I see it. We've been drinking now since seven o'clock. And by about ten o'clock we start to get a stiffy. CLITTY: A what? DOUG: A stiffy. CLITTY: A stiffy? DOUG: Yeah -- a stiffy. LIONEL: Yes. Now usually on a Saturday night we can be almost certain to get a couple of birds who will have intercourse with us. Do you follow what I'm saying? CLITTY: Oh I know what your game is. Physical pleasure. DOUG: Good. Now we're getting somewhere. LIONEL: However tonight, the young lady that Doug was buying drinks for... For some unknown reason didn't want to do it with Doug. Now without being personal, Diana, you are a tramp and everybody knows it!

CLITTY: Yes, yes, maybe I am a nymphomaniac and can't get enough of it, but I really don't like either of you. DOUG: That's all right, we don't like you. CLITTY: I mean you must admit that you're both quite ugly and I'm starting to sober up. LIONEL: More sherry Diana? DOUG: You're no bleedin' oil painting yourself. LIONEL: Hold on, hold on. Let's recap the situation. We've all had a lovely night out and what with the drinks, the chicken in the basket and the forty Embassy, you've set me back thirteen pounds. So technically you're with me. Am I being fair? DOUG: Yes, so what's your answer Diana? Are you going to sleep with both of us or not. CLITTY: I can see now that it's all over. You've won me over you smooth talking bastards. You've ensnared me in your web of slimy innuendo and the woman in me can't take it anymore. Yes, let's have our night of fun in my hideaway love-nest. Once again a girl from a broken home seeks affection only to become a victim of her unnatural sex urge that leads to an orgy of all night drinking sessions and wild sex romps. DOUG and LIONEL look at each other. Silence. LIONEL: Sherry, Doug? The door opens. EDDIE bursts in with THE MYSTERY GUEST. He has a paper bag over his head with a hole cut for the mouth. EDDIE: Right, stand there! Mr. Mystery Guest! EDDIE runs to the settee. VAG joins them. Right. Go! GUEST: I'm twenty four. I'm single. I was born under the sign of Leo and I'm a member of an ethnic minority. EDDIE: Ha ha. Hard one this.

CLITTY: Are you an Eskimo? GUEST: No I'm not. VAG: You say that you're single and born under the sign of Leo. Are you a racing driver? GUEST: No. But I wish I was. EDDIE: Er, d'you take speed? GUEST: Yes I do. DOUG: Have you got any on you now? GUEST: No I haven't. LIONEL: Are you an ex-porn merchant supergrass? GUEST: No I'm not. EDDIE: Yes I know --- I know. Are you a cowardly, drug peddling Irish bomber dwarf, ha ha ha. The others laugh. GUEST: No I'm not. DOUG: I've got it. You're an insolent, job snatching evil spastic train driving Aslef bastard! GUEST: No I'm not. VAG: Are you an ungrateful, dole scrounging glue-sniffing nurse/health worker? GUEST: Er... no. LIONEL: Ah I know. You're a balding, commie, child-molesting, chain smoking, ballot rigging, vegetarian, bastard, leader of the GLC? GUEST: No I'm not. CLITTY: Are you an unrepentant black homosexual? GUEST: Yes I am. LOUD APPLAUSE. GUEST takes off hood.