VAG and CLITTY, standing by the cocktail bar. VAG knocks over a sherry bottle. VAG: Hello I'm Vag CLITTY: And I'm Clitty. EDDIE: (VO) Slags. CLITTY: I want to talk to you... about alcoholism. EDDIE: (VO) Keep your legs crossed you dirty cow. VAG: And I'm going to show you what alcoholics like to eat. EDDIE: (VO) Puss, puss, puss. CLITTY: There are two kinds of alcoholics. Those that can't get enough to drink and those that can. If you're lucky enough to be in the second category you'll soon come across a problem that we all have to deal with sooner or later. Unconsciousness. This can slow down your drinking. If you want to drink yourself to death, here is a helpful tip. She produces a sewing needle. This is an ordinary sewing needle. When you feel unconsciousness coming on, just ram it up under your fingernail, with a short jabbing motion. VAG pours out a sherry. VAG: Thanks Clitty. I expect you're wondering what do alcoholics eat? Naturally most of us would rather drink than eat, and to save valuable drinking time, many off-licences are now selling food. These are called supermarkets, and they carry a wide range of very fast foods. My favourite is instant smash. Holds up packet. Just take one mouthful... and wash it down with a large weak scotch. She demonstrates this. Ummm...delicious. And for the sweet, I suggest a couple of valium washed down with a large weak gin, will set you right for the evening. CLITTY: And if you're not drinking alone? VAG: Well for those special drinking occasions like your daughter's wedding, drown a nice plump turkey Produces live turkey

VAG: ...in a pool of sherry. Pours sherry over the turkey. Then pop it in the microwave. (she does) CLITTY: Ummm, that looks delicious Vag. I think we both deserve a large scotch. There is a loud crash CUT TO EDDIE has fallen over and is foaming at the mouth. EDDIE: Give me some scotch you bastards. He tries to bite his way through the ropes. CUT TO DOUG and LIONEL with backs to camera studying two posters on the wall LIONEL: Outstanding DOUG: A masterpiece. LIONEL: A modern statement I should think. DOUG: I agree it's the latest thing. They turn and see the camera with mock surprise. DOUG: Oh hello. LIONEL: Hello again. Isn't modern art interesting. Here you have two modern painters. Both homosexuals. On the right we have a picture by America's Mr. Andy Warhol, and on the left another picture by our own Mr, David Hockney. DOUG: Very nice. LIONEL: Now if you look closely, you will notice that the Hockney is approximately a third of the size of the Warhol. But this one... He points at the Hockney costs more than this one. Now why is that? DOUG: (Looks closely at the pictures) Well er... maybe it's because Hockney has -- er -- you know, a richer colour sense, a more delicate line and -- er -- more palm trees.

LIONEL: That's exactly right Doug. Now this is where it gets interesting. You see Warhol wasn't slow to catch on. He soon tumbled to Hockney's game. It seemed like overnight, the wily Britisher had cornered the palm tree market DOUG: So Hockney had him by the balls. LIONEL: Briefly, yes. But Warhol wasn't done yet. He immediately set about making his pictures not only bigger but cheaper than Hockney's. DOUG: How could he do that? LIONEL: Mass production. By setting up an underground factory and reproducing his own pictures on the side, thereby undercutting Hockney. DOUG: What a clever bastard. LIONEL: Naturally, it wasn't long before Hockney tumbled his game and soon after that Warhol was found shot. DOUG: Surprise, surprise. CLITTY appears behind DOUG and LIONEL with a roll-up screen. LIONEL: Alright Darling. He winks at camera. DOUG winks too. CLITTY: Eddie wants to show his slides. DOUG: Oh, let me give you a hand. They set up the screen. LIONEL: Fancy a quick one down the Grevious Bodily Arms? EDDIE: (VO) Not there stupid! Put it in the middle. DOUG: Yeah -- with me as well. I'll come too. CLITTY: I've got to help Eddie with his holiday slides. EDDIE leers into a camera. EDDIE: Holidays! Ha ha ha. Get it working you bastards.

LIONEL: How about the interval? DOUG winks at the camera again. EDDIE: (To camera) Hello. Holidays are mostly boring for me. If you go to the Norfolk Broads and you get on a boat, then you have miles and miles of wasteland between each pub. That's one kind of holiday. Some holidays like mountain climbing in Wales, you never get a decent reception on the telly. So I hate holidays like that and always go to Clapham Junction for my holidays now, and I stay with Sinky de Brink. We like to de-rail a few trains and have a good laugh. However, you get bored though doing the same thing every year don't you? Well, you do. This year I got myself interested in aeroplanes. Sometimes aeroplanes will crash for no reason at all. So for this year's holiday, I went to Heathrow Airport on the off chance. He turns to the others. VAG in the meantime has been propping the slide projector up with telephone directories. Ready! Go! EDDIE presses the remote control button. A picture of Heathrow Airport appears on the screen. Ha ha ha! heathrow Airport, International and seemingly safe. PICTURE 2. The road tunnel entrance to Heathrow. This is the entrance to Heathrow Airport. Gateway to the world's Duty Free Shops. PICTURE 3. EDDIE leaning against the information desk talking to a girl behind it. This is the information desk. And that's a woman that I'm asking if there's been any crashes today. But there isn't. PICTURE 4. EDDIE on balcony with binoculars. Here I am in the Queen's Building watching the runway in the hope of spotting tell-tale skid marks or bits of wreckage left behind in the smoke and chaos. PICTURE 5. EDDIE drinking at a bar. The barman is watching him.

Bit quiet around here isn't it, I'm saying to this barman. PICTURE 6: EDDIE whispering in barman's ear and waving a pound note. This is me whispering to him and offering him money if he can tell me where I can get some souvenir wreckage. PICTURE 7. BARMAN telling EDDIE to fuck off. I don't think he knew anything. PICTURE 8. EDDIE putting a packet of cigarettes in his pocket. This is me stealing some fags. PICTURE 9. EDDIE under a clock This is the main airport clock. This clock goes non stop for twenty four hours and is looked at by people of all nationalities. PICTURE 10. EDDIE smoking. Still no luck so far. PICTURE 11. EDDIE at the Lufthansa desk doing a Nazi salute. Here I am chatting up some German girls. PICTURE 12. EDDIE drinking at the bar. Time for a break. PICTURE 13. EDDIE listening to an airplane pilot's heart and giving a thumbs up. This is an aeroplane pilot with a possible heart condition. PICTURE 14. EDDIE poking the pilot in the eye with his finger. Here I am trying to wind him up and bring on a heart attack. PICTURE 15. EDDIE fleeing down the escalator. Who is that hunk. It's Eddie Monsoon. Amateur Disaster Enthusiast... Ha ha ha.

PICTURE 16. Middle East businessman with briefcase. This is an Arab with a bomb. PICTURE 17: Plane taking off. And this is the plane he took off in. PICTURES 18/19/20: The same place [sic] at different stages off [sic] take-off. PICTURE 21: The plane is a speck in the sky. This is the same plane safely in the air. What a let down. PICTURE 22: EDDIE in the bar. This is me getting pissed again. PICTURE 23: EDDIE outside ladies toilet. And hanging around outside the ladies toilet. PICTURE 24 A corridor. Security guard in foreground. Down that passageway is where they keep the Duty Free. Ha ha. PICTURE 25: AIR HOSTESS coming out of the ladies toilet. EDDIE is talking to her. How many near crashes have you been in, I'm asking this pretty air hostess from Uganda. PICTURE 26: Plane on the runway. Another plane that didn't crash land. PICTURE 27: A crowd of people waiting with signs like 'Embassy Hotel', 'Greenway Tours', 'Upton College' etc. These are people touting for business from passengers who are tired and emotional. PICTURE 28: EDDIE (in crowd) with placard saying: 'Go down on Eddie tours.' PICTURE 29: EDDIE is talking to a girl with a huge rucksack. He has his arms in the air. This is Jean from Sheffield, who is about to fly to Teneriffe. Her first time in an aeroplane. She is very nervous. Here I am telling her about the famous air crashes there.