G GATISS GAP, The (n.) Convenient space left in the opening episode of a new comedy programme for a cameo by Mark Gatiss. Also MIND THE GATISS GAP (v.) - for listings magazines to write 'Look out for a cameo from Mark Gatiss', despite the fact that the only reason why Mark Gatiss was cast in the first place was so that fans of Mark Gatiss would tune in and say 'Oh look, it's Mark Gatiss' the moment they saw Mark Gatiss. GAY RIGEUR (n.) "Ironic" references to homsexuality in contemporary comedy. GERVAIS (n.) A fake story about a comedian's 'next big career step' deliberately circulated by their PR people in the hope that, if enough people report it as 'fact' then it'll become a self-fulfilling prophesy. GIVE TONGUE TO THE PURPLE PASSAGE, To (v.) Of new comedy writers - to suddenly acquire a suspicious and out-of-character 'opinion' about comedy which involuntarily highlights their own career-plans. As in "Well, I personally think that the best comedy shows have always been created with very small budgets, a minimal cast, no actual jokes and the same sort of trousers that I wear. That Comedy Lab pilot last night had all of this and more! What's the address to send scripts to again?" GOOSEBUMPED STANDOFF (n.) The point during any internet debate when someone who's losing the argument suddenly realises how many people are reading, panics and uses either SARAH'S LORE (qv) or DISAPPEARING UP YOUR OWN SUNSET (qv) to save face. GORDON'S OOP (n.) Of stand-up comedians - an instant redefinition of the borders of taste which boosts your character, e.g. proclaiming "Sorry, I've gone too far" despite having not said anything remotely outrageous. GRAEME GUARDED (adj.) When Graeme Garden doesn't say anything in a joint Goodies interview.    (LC) GRAHAMNORTON (adj.) Descriptive of something small and annoying that happens every night for no apparent reason. As in "That bloody car alarm's going off again, that's so Grahamnorton." GREAT PUB IN THE SKY, The (n.) Mythical cloud-based throne, plugged into God's own holy whisky source, where sit the bygone media drinkers of yesteryear, hailed forevermore as absolute geniuses by PAUL PISSEDs (qv) on account of their magical ability to die of some stupid alcohol-related disease or accident while their peers slapped them on the back and got another round in. All hail their bloated and bleeding livers. Doff your cap at their hilarious misadventures, their failed marriages, their crashed cars. Emulate their lives, do. For they verily were the fackin' men. Dead now of course. But the memory of their once prolific and entertaining personae being slowly numbed, pickled and destroyed by booze, reducing them to mere shadowy cartoon figures shouting at people in restaurants, pissing their trousers and dying in house-fires will live on forever. Hail them. Hail them. GREAT TELLY!, You Have To Admit It's (n.) Morally unjustifiable telly, You have to admit it's. GREENERGRASS MOMENT (n.) One vaguely 'good' bit in the first show of an otherwise disappointing TV series which is seized upon by desperate fans and declared 'a classic' to disguise their general dismay. GREENERGRASS PAYOFF (n.) Unfortunate misunderstanding on the part of comedy writers of the actual validity of the appreciation of a GREENERGRASS MOMENT (qv) which results in them turning that one vaguely good section into a huge unfunny running joke the following series and claiming to have 'responded to what the fans want.' See also PULLING A LAZAROU (qv) GREER'S GOBBLING GLUE (n.) The infuriating, aloof, patronising smugness inherent in a certain type of female comedy fan when they suggest that "collecting tapes" or "making lists" is "such a sad, *male* thing to do!", and ultimately far more trivial than liking the work of a male comedian because they want to fuck him.

	H HALFWAY WHORES (v.) Curiously talkative yet totally redundant and useless 'middle-ground' between the media and the public. e.g. anyone who actively used hand-me-down opinions on how Angus Deayton's position became "untenable" and how he "had actually become the news!!!" and thereafter indulged in months of tedious discussion about who should replace him, conveniently bypassing the fact that Hat Trick could quite easily have edited the shows in Deayton's favour had they wished to. See also MULVILLE, The Actual Reason Why Deayton Was Sacked Had Sod All To Do With Cocaine Or Prostitutes And Was Actually The Result Of A Long Running Spat Between Himself And Jimmy HANCOCK'S HALF INTEREST (n.) To campaign for an archive comedy show to be repeated, but when it finally appears miss it due to a Powerpuff Girls theme night on UK Acne. And then start a messageboard thread in the morning called "I couldn't be bothered to tape it last night - can anyone help???!!! :( !!!!!". HAPPY FAMILIES HANGOVER (n.) Following the initial euphoria of watching archive tapes of fantastic comedy from twenty years ago, the nausea that erupts when realising - upon popping out afterwards for some milk - that the streets of 2004 are still peopled by Office fans. Also LEAVING MR & MRS STRAIGHTMAN or RAIN STOPS ALFRESCO HEARTFELT BYPASS (n.) A critical shortcut. To jump straight from 'having no opinion on a given subject' to 'adopting a contrary position to the consensus' without ever having considered any of the arguments, thus saving you a lot of personal thinking time which you can use to smoke a ciggie and scratch your arse until it bleeds. HIGH ON THE MEDIA KARAOKE PLAYLIST (adj.) Descriptive of any 'clever' observation, opinion or by-line which seems specifically tailored for journalists or HALFWAY WHORES (qv) to perform automatic cover versions. HIJACKER (n.) A poor show that inexplicably manages to get past the pilot. HIT & RUN INDIGNANT (pr. n) The one person on an internet messageboard who's brave enough to stand up and sniffily complain that people shouldn't criticise something before it's been broadcast/released (despite all evidence pointing towards it being terrible), but not quite brave enough to stick around after the thing has been broadcast/released and everyone's worst fears have been justified. See also TRANSPLANT, Undergoing A Username HITCH-HIKING BACK FROM DAMASCUS (v.) To cast off all your values and beliefs before getting a job in the media. See also RANDALL, Not Worth The HUBRIS HAT TRICK (n.) A comedy project which any sane person will tell you will be a disaster, but nonetheless gets a two-series-and-a-DVD contract drawn up by optimistic commissioners. Often results in BEEBTUTTING (qv) when said contract is grudgingly honoured. See also WILD WEST WHAMMY; OBLIGATION GOOD GUYS; PAUL KAYE'S CAREER HUTTON, To (v.) To deflect criticism by magnifying the importance of small semantic anomalies to ridiculous lengths in an attempt to draw public attention away from a much bigger argument. HUW WHELDON LECTURES (n.) Originally named after the late Huw Wheldon, considered by many to be the last great controller of the BBC. The name has been retained, despite the increasing irony, because having spat out forty minutes of utter lies in a blatant, hardly-disguised attempt to protect the media from criticism, the chosen speaker's industry peers can then pat them on the back and say "Hooh! Well done!"

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