E ELDON (n.) Psychotic but strangely static facial expression. e.g. "No, you can't skip games, Tomkins-minor. And you can wipe that Eldon off your face too while you're about it." END OF HISTORY, The (adj.) Where someone is allowed to be a TV critic on a broadsheet newspaper without ever having seen 'Play For Today'.    (LC) END OF STORY (n.) Simplistic and aggressive premature curtailment of a debate by someone who fears opinions which differ from their own / are at odds with their career plan. Ending the story prematurely of course ensures that nobody gets to read the subsequent exciting chapter where said debate-curtailer gets hit by an oncoming car. See also THAT IS ALL EPISTLE PIZZLE (n.) Letters to a newspaper or magazine fabricated by bored office subs in order to define its readership. See also TIMES, Radio EXCHANGE RATE COMEDYPHILE (n.) A comedy collector who stringently insists that all tape swaps are itemised, ticked off and matched down to the final second but who then gets all confused if you send them twenty hours of Radio Active MP3s for free simply because you thought they'd enjoy them.

	F FACT PORTUGAL (pr. n.) Scriptwriter who's only there to make up the numbers. (cf. On The Hour) FAUX NAIVE STEVE (n.) One who is generally fantastic and knowledgeable about their given craft, but who pretends to be a lightweight, chummy, useless, imbecile when pressed for information. First recorded in Arthurian legend: "But where might I find the Holy Grail?" / "I know not, my Lord. Have you tried writing to the BBC?" FERRIC STRETCHER (n.) The first episode of an unpromising new TV comedy show recorded in a fit of blind optimism onto a convenient gap at the end of a VHS tape which then gets wiped when the same bit of tape is re-used to record the next unpromising new TV comedy show. Analysing a wobbly noise-covered home recording of a recent edition of 2D-TV with state-of-the-art magnetic particle-analysis, a group of scientists in Bonn recently identified the layered archaeological remains of four hundred and seventy FERRIC STRETCHERs on the same half hour stretch of tape, which included the first episodes of Believe Nothing, Bob & Margaret, The Glam Metal Detectives, My Dead Dad, Alexei Sayle's Merry-Go-Round and Morris Minor's Marvellous Motors. The earliest identifiable recording was said to be a Series 2 episode of Marks & Gran's Roll Over Beethoven, although the scientists haven't yet ruled out possible evidence of the odd stray flickering p-frame of Stilgoe's On. See also LONG-PLAY CLASSIC (n.) - a FERRIC STRETCHER which, due to misfiling, remains unwiped at the end of the tape forevermore resulting in the embarrassing inclusion at least one episode of The Book Group in your video swaps list. Also ERASURE PROTECTION LUG OPTIMIST (pr. n.) - anyone who bought a blank video and wrote 'Hippies. Series 1. Shows 1 - 6' on the label. FFYCOFF, ITSIYT & DAI (n.) New Welsh comedy team. FOOLES' GOLD (n.) Pseuds Corner-style talking-up of a comedy character or series as part of a vain attempt to make it seem a lot cleverer than it actually is. e.g. "The thing about 'The Office' is that essentially what one is watching is a half hour Shakespearean tragedy in which Gervais' 'Brent' is the flawed anti-hero - a modern-day Grotesque-De-Gras in the mold of the satirical epistles of St Andreass Bolsckrautcher or perhaps even the 17th Century woodcuttings of Rimbaud-Dikksplache..." FOUNTAIN PEN (n.) The room at the BBC set aside for all the pigs who write Dead Ringers. FREUDIAN SLIP (n.) Everyday error made by Richard Curtis.

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