SOTCAA - Glossary Of Terms

CAGOULE
(n) A lapsed anorak. A trainspotter who has joined the Railtrack pension scheme. Usually to be found writing articles about how much of a 'logistical nightmare' it is working on the new Doctor Who.

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF A CAGOULE:

"Yet another day for old muggins here in the archives. My job, for my sins, involves cataloguing Python rushes - well, someone's got to do it! :) Most of the footage is unusable and only of interest to sad fanboy nerds like myself - people who are, of course, in a MINORITY and should not be taken seriously, more's the pity! Still, I made a copy for myself anyway - I actually hate Python, but the tape casing goes well with the nursery. I nearly wiped the Mortuary Hour inserts yesterday though - butterfingers! :) Had to go through more letters from saddo geeks (not like yours truly, honest...although my wife - that's my wife - may disagree!) asking me for 'information' and imploring me to 'preserve' the rushes properly - well, I'll try and remember, but my mind's a bit frazzled from a rather heavy session last night! People really aren't aware of the realities of archiving - believe me, I used to be an obsessive pain in the neck too! I can assure you it's no picnic and is a job like any other. The sooner the internet dweebs (with questionable personal hygiene!) realise this the better. I am not an anorak, I am a human being. Toodle pip!"

(© Olly Steenbeck, author of 'What Bracelet? The Definitive Guide to the sound problems during the first ten minutes of City of Death', Pollyanna Press 2005)

CAMDEN-NOODLERS
(n.) 1. People who visit Camden Market and, upon being spoilt for choice by a huge variety of cuisine from all over the world, start joylessly shovelling noodles into their stubbly, woolly-hatted heads, barely even aware what the little foil tray in front of them actually contains. 2. Comedy fans on the internet.

CARLY SIMON'S GREATEST HIT
(n.) Tendency by certain readers to assume that any single entry in this Glossary includes a sly hidden reference to themselves. When in fact it doesn't. Not even this one.

CARR ACCIDENT
(n.) Scheduling mistake which allows a comedian whom nobody actually likes to appear on most television shows. (LC)

CHAMELEONIC WHIMSY
(pr.n.) Trait displayed by post-Millennial comedy writers designed to fit neatly into the current media climate - to publicly bemoan the loss of 'silly, throwaway comedy' and denounce all 'critical humour' as "just unnecessary frankly" in the hope that potential employers will view them as handy non-opinionated team players and offer them more work. See also POINTING AT BILL HICKS' SMART SPECTACLES (v.) - to go one step further and claim that any 'anger' said to be present in successful critical or satirical comedy of the past was never its most important factor anyway and that the best thing was the comic wordplay and funny voices - because that's the bit that they can just about manage themselves. Also DEAD WRINGERS (n.) - people who squeeze all the life out of a great comedy show of the past and then parade themselves as its natural successor by wearing the skin of its dried-out corpse.

CHAPMAN CHUCKLERS
(n) Pubescent Monty Python fans who still think it's absolutely hilarious to make jokes about Graham Chapman being "an ex-Python who's joined the bleedin' choir invisible!!", justifying their smugness by indignantly claiming "it's what Graham would have wanted." In other words people who were too young, stupid or American to notice John Cleese' eyes filling with tears during the memorial service.

CHAVS
(n.) Recently-identified social 'underclass' which exists to provide a convenient safety-in-numbers hate-outlet for right-wing arseholes in a world where attacking Pakistanis or gays is now considered somehow frowned upon.

CHILL PILLS
(n.) Fictional medication thought to induce placebo-like apathy towards bad comedy, often prescribed by cunts with no opinions.

CLASS CLOWN
(n.) Latter-day opinion which suggests that all comedy from 30 years ago was a dubious attack on the working class on the basis that one of the Pythons once did a ropey Yorkshire accent. See also CLASS CLOWN PARADOX: the hope that The Office will be perceived as a dubious attack on the working class in 30 years time on the basis that some of the cast are doing ropey West Country accents.

COLLINS DICTIONARY
(n.) A list of the 'worst films ever made' which, purely by happy accident, coincides with all the other lists of worst films ever made.

COMEDY CROSSED OUT IN BIRO
(n.) A comedy show which tries to disguise its lack of laughs by pretending it's a comedy-drama halfway through.

COMEDY DRIFTWOOD
(n.) Lines that register in your brain as 'funny', but instead irritate you by their useless incongruity. See also CEREALS, Destroying My

COMEDY WIDTH-FEEL
(n.) A series which gets commissioned on the strength of it being about three hundred episodes long (and as such is 'bound to become cult viewing'), despite having a budget barely sufficient to cover a pilot show.

CONSPIRACY THEORY THEORISTS
(n.) Obsessive nutcases working in the media who continually accuse critical voices of 'looking for conspiracies' when it's usually perfectly obvious they're just querying the inner workings of the industry. Really peculiar behaviour. I mean, God, do these media idiots think Lord Lucan shot Kennedy too? What a bunch of utter spazmos, eh?

CONTROL'S FOLDER
(n.) To talk about a DVD in terms of its packaging, typeface, spine-colour, type of hinges used on the jewel case etc, but never once mention its actual content. To have an UNOPENED ARGUMENT (n.) - an opinion still in its cellophane.

CRIT TWIT
(n.) Someone who raises all the usual objections to critics, but for some reason doesn't seem to mind quite so much when people say nice or positive things. 'I can't believe you're slagging off 'Extras' just because you don't like Ricky Gervais's past work,' fumed the crit twit. 'As a fan of The Office, I predict it will be absolutely brilliant.'

CURB DRILL
(n.) Practice common amongst TV previewers, when they abuse their platform by over-promoting (with worrying consistency) a programme that does not really justify such hype. Nevertheless, they hope that their gushings will be immortalised on the front of an eventual DVD release. See also PATRONISE PHOENIX; LUCASAID

CRAPFELLAS
(pr. noun) Those who quasi-reverentially allude to film directors by their surnames while spitting bits of sandwich at you.

CRAPTALK VILLAS
(n.) Sheltered accomodation housing racial minorities with physical disabilities and no understanding of how comedy works. Always contacted for an on-the-spot quote by smug comedy writers as a justification for boringly 'offensive' material - just so they can be interviewed afterwards saying "Well, we were a bit worried about our 'Paki Mong' routine at first, but then we spoke to some actual disabled minorities and they said it wasn't at all offensive, and in fact was quite positive if anything!"

CRAWLYBUMLICK SLICK
(n.) The decrease in general bolshiness on an internet messageboard the minute a "celebrity" turns up and starts posting. Symptoms include the starry-eyed moderator, who is quite keen for the BBC to continue sending him free videos with 'PROMOTIONAL COPY' stickers on them, turning into a pompous schoolmaster: "Come on, I think this thread has run its course. Steve has been kind enough to come here today all the way from his day job as deputy iPod reviewer on the online version of Nuts magazine - kindly show him some respect... yes, you at the back... and stop chewing, or you'll be asked to stay behind after forum. It's your own time you're wasting." See also YOURSELF, Collecting Hotel Soap And Smearing It All Over.

CRESSWELL
(n.) Automatic process resulting in having at least one Off The Kerb client on every single edition of Friday Night With Jonathan Ross (not including Jonathan Ross himself). See also THODAY (n.) - the same joke but about Avalon and The Frank Skinner Show instead.

CRITICAL NO-MAN'S LAND
(n.) Vacuumous state of being between two aggressive anti-critic arguments, best illustrated as being a point drawn directly between 'How Can You Criticise Comedy If You Don't Write It Yourself' and 'Bitter Failure'. A sample "debate":

"How can you criticise comedy if you don't write it yourself?"

"I disagree. After all, you don't need to be a plumber to see that your taps are leaking, etc..."

"Have you ever written any comedy yourself?"

"No..."

"Yes..."

"Then you've absolutely no right to criticise anyone else's comedy as you have no idea what you're talking about..."

"Is the comedy you've written as successful as the thing you're criticising?"

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"No."

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"Then you must be a bitter, failed cunt..."

"...End Of Story!"

Following this argument it must surely be concluded that the only people qualified to pass judgement on any piece of art are: a) Those who created the art in question; b) some form of God or Deity; c) anyone who's judgement merely decrees that said art is "Fackin' class - End Of Story!" See also ZEPPOTROLLS

CURTIS, To
(v.) To praise a recent popular success, but - in so doing - praise yourself more. Usually ending with the phrase "...and that's basically what I try to do."