KIKI DEE GETS OUT A BANJO AND STARTS SINGING 'LONG HAIRED LOVER FROM LIVERPOOL'. JONATHAN ROSS CHASES HER OFF THE STAGE WITH A BROOM

	Most Irritating Or Pointless Cameo Robert De Niro (in Extras - Series 2) Are you looking at me? Or is it a blue screen? 38% of the overall vote "Looks good on Gervais' CV, I'm not sure De Niro can say the same thing." - JPA "Remember this is the same Robert De Niro that accepted a part in Rocky and Bullwinkle The Movie." - Bert Thung "Just reeked of 'LOOK WHO WE CAN GET'." - Declan Curry RUNNERS UP: Stephen Fry (in Extras - Series 2) (33%) David Bowie (in Extras - Series 2) (28%) PREVIOUS WINNER: A Bear's Tail (Most Jarringly Incongruous Cameo By Performer's Mates)

Sadly, Robert De Niro could have appeared tonight to collect his award in person. But frankly who needs him? He's positively C-list now that he's appeared in Extras.

It is of course an utter disgrace that all the nominations above are for cameos in a Gervais project when there are other, equally deserving candidates. Ricky Gervais in The Simpsons springs to mind.

	Most Blatant Plagiarism Lead Balloon (Curb Your Enthusiasm) Dee Time 45% of the overall vote "Other than propping up Jack Dee's foundering career, what's the point of knocking out something so unoriginal, especially when Gervais and Merchant are covering similarly dreary ground in Extras? Larry David should sue. " - Rupert Pupkin "Dee's protestations that Lead Balloon was influenced more by shows like The Office, than by Curb Your Enthusiasm, makes the wholesale stealing of idea, format and presentation even more blatant." - Ignatius_S "This is the comedy equivalent of the middle aged woodwork teacher at the school disco going 'I like to jive to Fatboy Slim'. A comedian who's lost touch, trying to find it again by working in the most presently fashionable style of comedy." - Bert Thung RUNNERS UP: Extras (Curb Your Enthusiasm/Seinfeld) (39%) Rob Brydon's Anually Retentive (The Larry Sanders Show) (14%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Broken News stealing from The Day Today

One look at the winner and the runners up there suggests that we should add a new category next year: 'Most Desperate Attempts By Green-Eyed British Chancers To Emulate Successful American TV Formats'. Not a new phenomenan by any stretch but never before have we seen so many UK creatives gazing across the Atlantic looking for a shortcut to success. And this problem started bubbling in the 90s. Remember it? 'Oh, we need a proper homegrown animation business so we can produce something as successful as The Simpsons!' 'Oh, we need all our sitcoms on film so they look as successful as Cheers or Friends'. 'Oh we need to increase the number of shows per series to match a US 'season' so we can export a million fucking episodes at a time!'. 'Oh, we need proper writing teams for our sitcoms like in the US"

Net result of all this? Bob & Margaret, Baddiel's Syndrome, that crap series of Red Dwarf and My Family. Now grab me a Bud and shut the fuck up!

Sadly, Jack Dee couldn't be with us tonight. He tried to make it but he encountered a few problems along the way...

	JACK DEE'S CHARACTER IS ABOUT TO LEAVE THE HOUSE. THE DAUGHTER CHARACTER STOPS HIM DAUGHTER CHARACTER Dad, can I have some money to... um, to buy one of those new Sony Walkmans? JACK DEE'S CHARACTER Another one? That's the third one this week! I hope you're not using this money to score Ecstacy at a 90s Acid House Rave. DAUGHTER CHARACTER No, don't be silly, of course not. WE SEE DAUGHTER'S SHIFTY-LOOKING BOYFRIEND WEARING A HEADSCARF AND A BIG SMILEY T-SHIRT DANCING TO EBENEEZER GOODE. JACK DEE'S CHARACTER GLOWERS AND WINCES NOTEPAD STING: JACK WRITES "What do you get if you cross This Is Your Life with acid house? Shamen Andrews!" CUT TO CAFE SCENE JACK DEE'S CHARACTER Kids today with their Sony Walkmans, I don't know. I never had all that when I was young. I had to make do with a Dansette record player. DRY GAG WRITER CHARACTER (DRYLY) Oh yeeeaah, I remember those. My great great great grandfather once read about them in a history book. Boom boom, Sock it to me. Here come de judge. JACK DEE'S CHARACTER GLOWERS AND WINCES JACK DEE'S CHARACTER I'm not old. FEY WAITER CHARACTER (FEYLY) Ah, Jack Dee's Character. You're looking a bit old today, if you don't mind me saying so. DRY GAG WRITER CHARACTER RAISES HIS EYEBROWS, DRYLY JACK DEE'S CHARACTER I'm not old! FEY WAITER CHARACTER Oh, that reminds me. You promised last week that you'd arrange for some money to leave your bank account and go into someone else's. Have you managed to sort that out yet? JACK DEE'S CHARACTER Ah, mm, ah, damn, wouldn't you know it, I've left the house without any of my money. DRY GAG WRITER CHARACTER (DRYLY) Hey, no praaaablem. Look, there's a small branch of Midland Bank sitting at the next table. JACK DEE'S CHARACTER GLOWERS AND WINCES JACK DEE'S CHARACTER Ah, but I don't bank with the Midland. FEY WAITER CHARACTER (FEYLY) But... you're holding a Midland cheque book and wearing a paper hat with 'I Bank With The Midland' on it. DRY GAG WRITER CHARACTER (DRYLY) Thass right - look, it says here you have a special 'Old Persons Saving Account'. Wow, they only give those to people who are really old! Pretzels, already. JACK DEE'S CHARACTER GLOWERS AND WINCES JACK DEE'S CHARACTER Alright, here, take all of my money. Satisfied? Now I can't afford to buy that Sony Walkman for my daughter character. And look at the headline in this copy of the Today newspaper: 'Jack Dee's Character Too Old And Stingy To Buy Walkman - Offended Japanese Electronics Firm Demands Apology.' So thanks a bundle, you two. DRY GAG WRITER CHARACTER (DRYLY) Take my wife, please. JACK DEE'S CHARACTER GLOWERS AND WINCES CREDITS. WE SEE JACK DEE'S CHARACTER USING A STENCIL TO PAINT THE WORDS 'SONY WALKMAN' ON A DANSETTE RECORD PLAYER WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY READING A BOOK CALLED '1001 WAYS TO SAY SORRY TO A JAP' AND RIDING A STANNA STAIR LIFT. BEN FOLDS CRIES IN THE BACKGROUND. PEDIGREE COMEDY TRAILER. A VET SOLEMNLY ADMINISTERS A LETHAL INJECTION TO A FURRY, PANTING BBC2 LOGO.

Poor old Jack. That kind of thing always happens to him. Usually in the same order every week too.

	Most Unironic Ironicism Extras (Particularly the 'gay play') / Little Britain (Particularly Ting Tong) Political Incorrectness Gone Mad 36% of the overall vote / 36% of the overall vote "Ahh, the 'gay play' episode. Usually you at least get the impression that Gervais would put some effort into making his ironicisms look genuine. As such, this episode should've at least involved Gervais giving the other actor a big gay kiss to dissipate the homophobia. Hell, even the most awful, lowest common denomiator American sitcom would've done that. The fact that Gervais didn't suggests he has the exact same issues as his character. Really, fuck off Gervais." - AC "An awful lot of 'ironic' homophobia in Gervais' writing, isn't there? The suspiciously one-note cunt." - Neil "Distressingly, given the influence that previous Big Thing The Office has held over comedy for five years now, a huge revival of 'un-PC' humour could be just around the corner thanks to Matt and David and their 'I'm not racist me, Chalky' cheap laughs at easy targets. Let's just hope the next Comic Strip crowd aren't far behind it." - TJ "Just horrible and offensive. Walliams and Lucas should be ashamed of themselves for creating such a character, although the racist and misogynistic Desiree is arguably worse." - Rupert Pupkin RUNNERS UP: Jimmy Carr's material in general (18%) Michael Richards' stand-up (8%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Extras/Ricky Gervais in general

At some point, someone is going to have to take Ricky Gervais aside and tell him "Look, Ricky, you know this social problem you think you're highlighting in your work - about how people find it quite awkward to converse with minorities as equals, how they always end up trying a bit too hard not to say the wrong thing but only succeed in aggravating events until it escalates into a situation where everyone gets really offended, and how this is effectively a no-win situation so one shouldn't be judged on it? Well, it doesn't actually happen to everyone. Just yourself."

And we all remember Little Britain's 'Ting Tong Macadangdang' - that was the one which involved an oriental gentleman who encounters problems extracting lactose from a farmyard dairy animal. With hilarious consequences.

Pre-written, well-planned comedy is all well and good but what about those people in the audience who don't understand jokes? Students, for instance. Well luckily the industry has evolved along with the times and has provided us with a never-ending supply of real-life examples of comedy for such scum to giggle at en masse. And, to celebrate such heroes of 'real-life', please welcome to the stage, Mr R. Kelly and the six hundred and fiftieth parody so far of his epic 'Trapped In The Closet'

R. KELLY ENTERS WITH DANCERS; MUSIC BEGINS

WILD HOOTING APPLAUSE FROM THE CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS TABLE

R. KELLY
Well essentially what I was trying to do with 'Trapped...' was a kind of modern-day Greek parable, the roots of which stretch back to the days of...

ROSS
No!!!! It's impossible to tell. That's an end to it...

	Worst Camerawork Green Wing Not even slightly ready 58% of the overall vote "Despite some decent performances (Mark Heap, Michelle Gomez), Green Wing is the smuggest, most irritating comedy series I've ever seen, it's 'slow-slow-quick-quick-slow' camera-work being one of a dozen different elements guaranteed to make me throw things at the telly. Frankly, I'm astonished the show hasn't been nominated in more categories." - Rupert Pupkin "How did we forget to vote for this show in a million other categories?" - Bert Thung "Just because it has been unfairly missing from other categories." - Al Tha Funkee Homosapien RUNNERS UP: Thick Of It (21%) Whatever (20%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Green Wing

Bingo. A bit of tactical voting going on there, as you can see. Unfortunatly there wasn't a Most Tedious Impression Of Sparks category (which, following their recent comeback, would surely have been scooped by Sparks themselves anyway)

Sadly the cast of Green Wing can't be here tonight in person to collect their award because they're drifting out to sea in a sailing boat after having snapped the steering wheel off. Not for a Barclaycard advert this time - someone loosened the screws, apparently. What screwdriver? Oh, this one? No, I carry it around for sentimental reasons, that's all.

	The "Pissing On Their Legacy" Award Eric Idle You can keep your Marxist ways... 43% of the overall vote "There's little to say other than that Spamalot makes me fucking angry and gives me some idea of how people who felt the thrill of teaching themselves to play Day Tripper on the guitar or leaned on Rubber Soul to get them through hard times in their life must feel about those sanitised 'everybody clap along!' musicals about John Lennon's life." - TJ "Showing his mercenary side with a vengeance lately, popping up on the Simpsons' flailing bandwagon and lending his voice to many more questionable money makers too. Bad man, very bad man. " - Big Jack McBastard "Eric Idle pisses all over his legacy, and that of the other Pythons. Little more needs to be said." - Catalogue Trousers RUNNERS UP: Armando Iannucci (32%) Secret Policemans Ball (24%) PREVIOUS WINNER: n/a (new category)

It's incredible to think now that there was a time when Eric Idle was considered the most artistically 'sound' member of the Python team. He was the stroppy, indignant one who got annoyed at having to do interviews, the tireless perfectionist who, for the most part, boiled up his contributions in a secret lab, unfettered by the influence of the others.

		A brilliantly agile mind is Idle, whose sketches are tight as a fist and whose attitude to reporters is generally don't - touch - me - I'm - an - artist. A scrupulously moral individual who, according to producer Forstater "tries to be temperamental, but it's just a put-on." Lone Idle has more of a cheroot-chomping rock 'n' roll mentality than his Python brethren. While the others arrange themselves in pairs (Chapman/Cleese, Jones/Palin), Idle chooses to write solo. He can razzle you with wit and brotherly vibes - and just as quickly rip off your head with one mental chomp. New Musical Express 25th May 1974

The article snippet on the right, written by Andrew Tyler of the NME in May 1974 in a preview piece about the then-forthcoming Monty Python & The Holy Grail, sums up the Eric Idle that was. The look of pained sadness on the faces of Python fans all over the UK as the dreadful Spamalot pulled up on our shores after being given the thumbs-up by the more docile examples of our American cousins should perfectly sum up the Eric Idle that is.

Idle's anaemic, point-missing Holy Grail-for-pillocks musical is so at odds with the spirit of what made Python unique and peerless that it's difficult to even know where to begin. The legacy-pissing here is unnervingly territorial, with Idle taking most of the credit and the profits. To add insult to injury, Neil Innes' own musical contribution to Holy Grail's history is further pushed to the sidelines as Idle struggles to fill the show with tunes which begin to dissolve in the memory as the cast take their final bows, and which are long forgotten by the time you're queuing to fork out money in the foyer for a novelty Spam key fob and a set of Knights Who Say Ni bath towels.

Okay, so you wouldn't really trust any of the Python team to put together a worthwhile comedy show these days. But you could at least trust messrs Cleese, Jones, Palin and Gilliam not to dig up old jokes and then throttle all the life out of them in exchange for American dollars. Well, Jones, Palin and Gilliam anyway...

Sadly, Eric Idle couldn't be here in person to collect this award as he's currently far too busy talking about Spamalot next to a swimming pool in Los Angeles wearing an Hawaiian shirt, Italian loafers and Gene Wilder's fucking face while balancing an acoustic guitar on his knee with intent to finish off by strumming 'Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life'.

He's not actually being interviewed or anything - it's just what he does every day now, around this time.

There are however many who believe it to be a viable stepping stone to a comedy success. Sadly, comedy-on-the-internet seems loath to shake off the restrictions of its pre-broadband incarnation. A ten-second video clip of a monkey pissing on its own face ripped from You've Been Framed appearing in your inbox may have seemed like a great innovation back in 1998. But the technical shortfalls of dial-up seemingly ended up colouring the artistic possibilities of what followed, which is why the average creatives-in-training still seem hell-bent on filling the net with bite-sized chunks of easily-digestable tedium. Richard Dawkins can call it a 'meme' until he's blue in the tits. It's still monkey-piss at the end of the day.

And yet, this situation seems rather attractive to TV execs, keen to drip-feed such piss to a wider audience. To that end we present the award for the Most Depressing Use Of Crap YouTube Virals And Spotty "Comedy" "Writers".

	Most Depressing Use Of Crap YouTube Virals And Spotty "Comedy" "Writers" Time Trumpet Ape A Rape 66% of the overall vote "What's most painful about Time Trumpet is that it could have been great, and indeed some bits of it were. But why, if you've got the likes of Stewart Lee and Adam Buxton on board, would you make contributors with established comic clout play second fiddle to a bunch of unfunny email attachment-style video clips? " - TJ "How on earth could Armando of all people be okaying all this, he's very critical of his own work on commentaries, to the point where he's being too harsh, so why he thinks some of this stuff is acceptable is just bizzare." - Little Hoover "Armando, come away from YouTube and do some work." - Dan Jones RUNNERS UP: Have I Got News For You (18%) Don't Watch That Watch This (14%) PREVIOUS WINNER: n/a (new category)

Yup, had to be. Had to be. Well, this has already been covered earlier, so instead let's go over again to John O'Farrell who, after the success of his British versions of The Onion and Popbitch is branching out into other arenas...

CUT TO JOHN O'FARRELL MAKING A FLICK BOOK OF A STICK MAN DANCING...

ROSS
Thank you, John and Armando. Of course, as well as Nik Kershaw, one of the great attractions YouTube holds for the average comedy fan is the sheer wealth of archive clips available. Thanks to the efforts of people willing to share rare clips from their private collections you can sometimes encounter comedy gems previously thought lost forever. One particularly exciting example being the recent discovery of this hitherto-wiped Monty Python's Flying Circus sketch from 1972.

	CAPTION AND VOICEOVER: 'There now follows a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of the Pure Whimsy Party' MINISTER (CLEESE) Good evening. A lot of people in this country are worried about the state of comedy today. They say it's bland and unappetising; tedious and shallow - that we're stuck in a rut of cheap jokes and ersatz gags; that the average comedy consumer has, as a result, been rendered docile and undemanding. Some have suggested that the solution to this malaise lies in a new breed of comedy writers who actually care about their craft, who are passionate about the subjects they pillory, that we need a progressive, angry 'new comedy movement' prepared to cut through the whole vegetative state and stir things up a bit. MINISTER STANDS UP. HE IS WEARING A BALLET TUTU AND MONKEY-LEGS. Well, I say codswallop! What we really need is a lot more silly, throwaway whimsy. Don't you people out there realise that pure whimsical silliness is the only feasible way of gaining maximum viewers? To hell with progressive boat-rocking and angry satire. Joe Public doesn't pay three guineas ninepence every year for a colour license to watch some smug lefty git with more A levels than him willing him to climb off his fence. He wants entertainment. And that means silliness - and lots of it! GILLIAM GRAPHIC - SOAP POWDER PACKET WITH 'PURE WHIMSY' WRITTEN ON IT MINISTER (V/O) With new, improved, bio-degradable 'Pure Whimsy' you can cut through the worry of alienating people with all that annoying 'opinion' nonsense. Ignore the worries of the world and go straight for the tap-dancing gibbons - comedy that can be enjoyed on a purely sensual level by both the terminally stupid and the people who think they're clever. That's a whopping 89% of the populace (in old money). CUT BACK TO MINISTER. HE NOW WEARS A COMEDY WIG AND CLOWN'S TROUSERS. MINISTER Now I know what you're going to say - what about our political satire - surely, by definition, this has to suffer? Well, not a bit of it. The sheer beauty of our system is that satirists won't actually have to display allegiance to a single party or even exude an actual stance either way. Even the most reactionary closet-Tory comedy scribe can come across as a happy-go-lucky, altruistic clown if he avoids those pesky 'issues' and aims for superficial giggles instead. Short-term result - more satirists. Net result - more satire. Quantity over quality, certainly, but after a few years of it only a small minority will remember 'better days.' And a minority can quite easily be silenced by a majority vote. (SMILES) That's democracy... ANIMATED OSWALD MOSELY SAYS 'YES SIREE, BOYS - IT'S OKIE-DIDDLY-DOKIE!' CUT BACK TO MINISTER. HE IS NOW UNDERWATER. MINISTER But don't take my word for it. Here are some impartial views from the comedy writer of the future on the street. CUT TO PREFILMED VOX POPS PEPPERPOT 1 (CULSHAW) I used new improved Pure Whimsy and succeeded in reducing the Iraq war to one continuously repeated joke about the way George W. Bush speaks! Nice one, Pure Whimsy. PEPPERPOT 2 (BROOKER) With new improved Pure Whimsy I managed to launch a pretend-angry attack on the media while studiously avoiding annoying anyone on my career ladder by targeting blokes with mobile phones and doing fey send-ups of Dave Stewart! Thank you, Pure Whimsy! PEPPERPOT 3 (IANNUCCI) Thanks to new improved Pure Whimsy I took a fearful, no-holds-barred swipe at all the ills of our celebrity-obsessed culture by not actually taking a fearful, no-holds-barred swipe at all the ills of our celebrity-obsessed culture. It was so effective that even some fans of my good stuff from the 90s couldn't tell the difference! Cheers, Pure Whimsy. You're a ruddy marvel! A GUMBY (BRIGSTOCKE) Helloooooo? BACK TO THE STUDIO. THE MINISTER IS NOW DRESSED AS A MASSIVE CUSTARD PIE LYING ON A HAMMOCK CSO-OVERLAID ON TOP OF A CLIP OF 'SLADE IN FLAME' RUNNING BACKWARDS. CAPTION: 'JUNE WHITFIELD' MINISTER Now is not the time for complacency. Now is the time for direct action. The comedy fan of tomorrow will be a confused, cylinder-firing little right-winger, fearful of change, ready to denounce anything he doesn't understand as 'smug'. Humourists must adapt to this new audience in order to survive an increasingly competitive, multi-channel environment. Desperate times call for desperate measures and if this means caring passionately about not caring passionately, then that is what we need to do. Or indeed what we don't need to do. Such desperate times actually call for no measures at all, desperate or otherwise. In fact, this is the time for complacency. A time for direct inaction... well, as long as that's what everyone else is doing, naturally... SMILES LIKE A USED-CAR-SALESMAN I'm sure we can count on your vote. CAPTION AND VOICEOVER: That was a Party Political Broadcast on behalf of Pure Whimsy - the 'Silly Party' of the New Right. ANIMATED LINK: CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS DANCES THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY

And just a reminder that that sketch will also be one of the delights on offer at this year's Missing Believed Wiped evening at the NFT, along with an episode of Oh Fuck It's Lulu from 1970, Ted Ray's adverts for malt loaf, and a news report in which you can see someone who may have been in an episode of Man In A Suitcase. Once.

	The More Effort In Their Hairstyles Than Their Material Award Russell Brand The Next Peter Wyngarde 41% of the overall vote "Meanwhile, the likes of Noel Fielding and Russell Brand seem determined to keep on making comedy that is hip, rather than comedy that is funny. If only these preening jackanapes would put a fraction of the effort into their scripts and routines that they do into their oh-so-cutting-edge appearances, then they might just make something that's worth writing home about. But as they stand, their grim attempts to appear cooler-than-thou scupper any chance of me enjoying their material. All style, no substance." - Catalogue Trousers "Russell Brand - I would have said Noel Fielding but he carves 80% of his 'comedy act' out of the fact that he has hair, whereas I can see Brand teasing and preening like a prissy little pageant girl before going out of his front door every day to make it look like he's just got out of fucking bed." - Big Jack McBastard "Do hair products burn easily?" - rudi RUNNERS UP: Noel Fielding (37%) Alex Zane (20%) PREVIOUS WINNER: n/a (new category)

A close one, that. Very much a two-horse race between Russell Brand and Noel Fielding all the way. But in the end, old Beetlejuice won out.

Sadly, Russell Brand can't be with us tonight in person to accept his award, but he has sent his hairstyle along. Mr Russell Brand's hairstyle, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE. RUSSELL BRAND'S HAIRSTYLE BOUNDS ENTHUSIASTICALLY ONTO THE SOUNDSTAGE TO A TAPE OF 'WHIPPING POST' BY THE ALLMAN BROTHERS BAND

RUSSELL BRAND'S HAIRSTYLE

AUDIENCE
Yeah!!!!!

RUSSELL BRAND'S HAIRSTYLE
All the ladies in the house, lemme hear you say Yeah!

FEMALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Yeah!!!!!

RUSSELL BRAND'S HAIRSTYLE
All the guys in the house, lemme hear you say Yeah!

MALE AUDIENCE MEMBERS
Yeah!!!!!

RUSSELL BRAND'S HAIRSTYLE
Fuck, man, that's great. You know, I almost didn't make it here tonight. Just as I was leaving the house I decided to watch 'I'm A Celebrity'! Oh yeah, man, I'm fucking obsessed with that show! What is it this year? Eatin' a hump-back whale's vagina? Yeah, yeah. Reminds me of the time I performed cunnilingus on Ann Widdecombe. Heehee, stop me if I go too far, won't you! Tell you what though, you know when you're stayin' with your girlfriend at her parents house, right, the parents are asleep and you're about to, y'know, 'get it on', do you have the same problem that I do? You can't be... shall we say totally sure that you're fully clean down there? Yeah! You've been there. What's your name, sir? You at the front. Mark? Tell me, Mark, do you do what I do? Cos what I do is...

JONATHAN ROSS STAMPS ON THE HAIRSTYLE AND SILENCES IT.

	The Lifetime Achievement Award For Crap Comedy Andrew Newman (C4 Head Of Entertainment And Comedy) Bring back the vote for Ultimate Force 38% of the overall vote "I have no idea how this man keeps his job. He's been responsible for changing Channel 4 comedy from a vibrant, eclectic and daring melee of decent (sometimes great) new comedy, into a dirge of shite. Have you seen him on various shows? He looks about 20 and can barely string a sentence together. Newman, just because someone comes to you and says "This is really funny, it makes my friend laugh", this doesn't mean you should give them a television show. Have some standards for fucks sake!" - weekender "Newman has done to the C4 entertainment and comedy schedules, what Stock, Aitken & Waterman did to pop music in their heyday; filling it with bland pap churned out in a formulaic soulless fashion, calculated to appeal to a lower and lower common denominator." - Ignatius_S "Andrew Newman has overseen some of the worst television of all time at Channel Four, and accused people who don't like it as simply "not getting it". I hope something really bad happens to him." - Fruity Gonzalez RUNNERS UP: Leigh Francis (22%) Adam Sandler (17%) Phill Jupitus (11%) Robin Ince (9%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Marc Wootton (Special Achievement Award (aka Special Needs Award))

ROSS
Sadly Andrew Newman couldn't be here tonight to accept his award in person as he's far too busy sacking all the chancers he's previously hired, commissioning fresh new shows from genuinely talented writers and comedians, scheduling choice repeats of innovative C4 comedies from the past as a means to setting a viable high standard for new players to aim at, and generally ploughing all his efforts into making Channel 4 the groovy channel for intelligent viewers it used to be.

I know, sounds like heaven doesn't it. Ah well, nothing we can do. Let's just settle back and vegetate in front of Blunder. Or just pull stupid faces in front of a hand-held pocket mirror for half an hour - amounts to the same thing except it costs a lot less and you don't get those annoying Nintendo ads halfway through. Looks better in HD, mind.

Our evening is now at an end. A relatively painless experience, I'm sure you'll agree. We had some laughs, a few groans, a smidgen of possible libel and a bit of swearing to make us look hard and cool. A heady mix in anyone's book. Sorry we didn't have time for any photos of thewomb with his cock out. Maybe next year.

And, for any PR bods who may be reading: don't let the fact that Mitchell & Webb didn't win any awards stop you from claiming that they 'swept the board' in newspaper ads for their forthcoming 'Smash Sell-Out Run' at the Cardiff Hippodrome. Go for it. Even if the shows haven't actually 'Sold Out'. Not a problem. Even if there are no Mitchell & Webb shows actually scheduled for the Cardiff Hippodrome because the venue in question doesn't exist. Do your job and nail it. Even if Mitchell & Webb themselves haven't actually been born yet. Sell sell sell. That, I'm afraid, is Numberwang.

If you fancy a bit more then there's a full page of voters' comments here. Or if you fancy reading the source of the debates, views and annoyance contained herein pop over to Cook'd & Bomb'd Comedy Chat. If you wish to comment on any of the votes then use the Guestbook provided.

So, that's it for another year. Hope you enjoyed it. Thank you, and goodnight.

CREDITS ROLL

CAMERA PANS PAST JOHN O'FARRELL STANDING DEJECTEDLY IN THE CORRIDOR WEARING A SIGN SAYING 'AT LAST WE HAVE OUR OWN VERSION OF INTERNET PORN'

CAMERA PANS PAST DANIEL KITSON TAKING OFF HIS CHUNKY PULLOVER AND JEANS TO REVEAL HE HAS A DINNER SUIT ON UNDERNEATH. JOSIE LONG STOMPS AROUND NEARBY WITH A MOBILE ATTEMPTING TO BUY SHARES IN ZINC AMALGAMATED.

CAMERA ENTERS AN EDITING STUDIO. ADAM BUXTON AND A PRODUCER SIT WATCHING PLAYBACKS OF HIS TOE SITCOM. "YOU'RE RIGHT - IT WOULD BE BETTER WITH A LAUGHTRACK", SAYS ADAM.

CAMERA PASSES A TEX AVERY-DRAWN CARTOON WOLF IN A CELL PONTIFICATING ON DAVID MITCHELL'S UBIQUITY. "I WONDER IF THERE COULD HAVE BEEN MORE THAN ONE OF THEM LITTLE GUYS!", HE SAYS. WE SEE THE CORRIDOR FILLED WITH A MULTITUDE OF DAVID MITCHELLS. "WHAT DO YOU THINK, JOE?", THEY SAY IN UNISON.

CAMERA PASSES A ROOMFUL OF 14-YEAR-OLD BOOSH FANS GOOGLING 'TEX AVERY' IN AN ATTEMPT TO DISCOVER WHAT THAT LAST JOKE REFERED TO.

CAMERA EXITS THE BUILDING. WE SEE THE CHANNEL 4 BUILDING, STILL ATTEMPTING TO GAIN ENTRANCE. BROADCASTING HOUSE AND BBC TV CENTRE WHISPER "TELL THEM MATT SAID IT WOULD BE OKAY..."

CAMERA HAILS A TAXI AND ENTERS. CRAIG CHARLES IS ALREADY IN THE BACK SEAT. CAMERA DECIDES TO TAKE ITS CHANCES AND GETS IN.

FADE TO LWT IDENT.