Serious About Comedy Robin Ince reviews the world of comedy and will presumably continue to do so until someone politely asks him to stop. GRAMS: THE WHO'S 'I CAN'T EXPLAIN' PLAYED ON A BONTEMPI ORGAN BY A GRANNY. ROBIN INCE Hello, I'm Robin Ince. I'm about as alternative as Oasis-flavoured cheese, but I've got a bit of an arch voice so I'm somehow taken seriously as a tour de force in 00s comedy. Now, let's turn to The Tumbleweeds, which started a page ago on the internet. Well, I know what I think of the Tumbleweeds, but I'm going to keep very bloody quiet until I hear what our panel have to say. Stephen Armstrong? ARMSTRONG Erm... No no, you first. INCE No, after you. I've, erm... got a cough. [COUGHS PATHETICALLY] ARMSTRONG Oh dear. Okay... Well, I thought some bits were good... some bits were bad, but it could go either way. Sorry, but that's my view. INCE Yes, me too. That's exactly what I thought. I know that opinion won't make me many friends, but there it is. ARMSTRONG Mind you, it was absolutely brilliant at times... INCE [WORRIED] Yes? ARMSTRONG And utterly awful at others. SUE PERKINS Can I just say that I agree with all of you? And disagree too. Depending on who's written it. SOME BLOKE FROM THE CONSULTANTS OR SOME SUCH SHIT Can I be rather controversial here and say... I really hated the font? INCE Yeah, the font was dreadful. I thought we'd seen the back of Verdana in the days of Terry and June... PERKINS Mm. ARMSTRONG. Mm. BLOKE FROM THE CONSULTANTS OR SOME SUCH SHIT Mm? INCE ... or not. Well, it's hard to say at this early stage. Right, well, to sum up then, that's two 'maybes' and two 'time will tell's' - neither a Hit nor a Miss, so we vote that a... FX: SINE WAVE ... and that makes three 'non-reviews' in a row - which means we now get to open the parcel containing the special 'emergency review item', opinions on which should already be known across the board, so we can just switch to autopilot and bleat out the nearest 'accepted viewpoint' without worrying about it. Fingers crossed, guys. PERKINS We're all in this together, Robin. BLOKE FROM THE CONSULTANTS OR SOME SUCH SHIT On your side, man... ARMSTRONG All for one, one for all... INCE Mop my brow, someone... here goes. FX: RUSTLE RUSTLE INCE It's... it's... a preview DVD of Curb Your Enthusiasm! ROARS OF RELIEF AND APPROVAL. THE PANEL RING THE 'HIT' BELL UNTIL IT EXPLODES

ROSS
Cheers, lads. And speaking of Robin Ince, let's move onto the award for Worst Stand-Up.

Stand-up can, of course, be a lonely profession - second only to being the moderator on the Man Stroke Woman message board - but it's a profession well worth persevering with, as more and more TV execs scour the UK's comedy clubs in search of the next Peter Cook.

Once spotted, any truly brilliant, fragmented comic genius can then be carefully nurtured into a boil-in-the-bag, easy-on-the-eye blokey twat who talks like Paul Tonkinson within the space of only a few weeks. Chances are, in fact, that the next Peter Cook has already been discovered but, having had all the originality kicked out of him, been groomed to fall in line with noughties expectations and plonked behind a table as 'third gobshite along' on the latest Zeppotron cuntfest, we'll never know for sure.

Luckily such media grooming is a relatively recent thing...

... all by way of introducing the award for Worst Stand-Up. And it goes to a man who isn't the next Peter Cook. Nor is he the Peter Cook after that. Nor indeed is he any earthly manifestation of Peter Cook from now until the forces of Armageddon wipe this sorry little globe off the face of the universe forever. It could only be...

	Worst Stand-Up Russell Brand Nice fuckin' model! (honk honk) 49% of the overall vote "Russel Brand once accused Geldolf of dining out on the success of "I Don't Like Mondays". Shame Brand's plate will always be empty." - Mr Cairo "Only saw Brand's bit on Secret Policeman's Ball but it sounded like him just re-reading stuff that he'd seen in a newspaper. Saw the blurb on the front of his live DVD the other day: "The funniest comedian of his generation!" They obviously haven't seen THE Russell Brand, that terrible Comedy Lab thing from a couple of years ago." - Kaprisky "Remember when you used to have to be as good as Sadowitz or Connolly or Kinison to be considered a great stand up? Now all you need is to be an eminently hateable ponce that slags off that hard target The Sun." - Bert Thung RUNNERS UP: Josie Long (33%) Robin Ince (17%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Ricky Gervais

A predictable choice, maybe, but probably more than justified due to the sheer transparency of Brand's self-imposed reinvention from fey, autocue-reading Big Brother conspirator to Max Clifford-friendly, narcotic-boasting PR bore, aiming at projecting some kind of bohemian Jagger pose but only managing to emulate something akin to Michael Keaton's audition tape for Beetlejuice. After someone's taped the Noodle Doodle Man advert over it. And stuck it up a horse.

Scrape away all those carefully-applied layers of PR image and you'll find the kind of default, disposable hack-written topical stand-up set your average Friday Night Project guest presenter laboriously reads out every week. Brand has a considerable way to go before he produces something as beautiful as Peter Cook's 'Entirely A Matter For You'. To be frank, 'Hand Up Your Sticks' is probably way beyond his reach at the moment.

Russell Brand can't be with us tonight to accept this award because, according to The Mirror's '3AM' showbiz surveillance section, he's currently walking down the street, minding his own business. Their 'mole' informs us that he was wearing shoes. Well it was a toss up between that and yet another 'Steve Strange Hails A Taxi After A Night Out' shocker.

With 'heroes' like Brand populating stand-up, it's fair to say it's high time for a new 'alternative' movement. But could such a movement genuinely occur naturally in this cynical media climate? Well, some people insist it's already here, in the form of Robin Ince's Book Club. Yes indeed. No longer do audiences have to sit through bland routines about going to a dyslexic rave and scoring some Fs. No, you can now see bland routines about going to a dyslexic rave and scoring some Fs... done in a slightly sarcastic voice. In French. Intercut with extracts from Marti Caine's cancer diaries. Watch out Jimmy Carr, the People are coming!

CUT TO JIMMY CARR PULLING AN 'OOH YOU ROTTERS' FACE. HE'S NOT ACTUALLY IN THE STUDIO - HE'S IN HIS HOUSE, AND SOME KIDS ARE THROWING STONES INTO HIS GARDEN

CARR NOTICES THE CAMERA AND WONDERS WHAT IT'S DOING THERE. SO DO WE ACTUALLY.

CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO

Well, he couldn't actually make it, so here's Sandi Thom herself.

SANDI THOM ENTERS IN AN ALTERNATIVE FASHION. (USE YOUR OWN IMAGINATION)

CUT TO LILY ALLEN TUTTING

JOSIE LONG STEPS ONTO THE STAGE. THOM HANDS HER AN 'ALTERNATIVE TUMBLEWEED' - WHICH LOOKS SUSPICIOUSLY LIKE A BRITISH COMEDY AWARD...

ROSS
Er, no, Josie, we are actually on air at the moment.

JOSIE
Ah, shit. Heeeeeeheeeeeee, I like Jelly Tots!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (POURS GLITTER OVER HERSELF) I fink you're all wonderful. Durrrhhhhhh!!!!! I invented the banana!!!!!!!!!!

ROSS
(LEVELLY) Gosh, you're so innocent and naive - completely unfettered by the PR clutches of Mr Media. Thank you, Josie. You've given us all real hope for the future.

JOSIE
By the way, Gary le Strange's tour dates are the 14th of Ja...

ROSS
Sorry, we're out of time. We have to present the award for the...

JOSIE
Grumpybum!

LONG STARTS BAWLING. STEWART LEE RUSHES TO THE STAGE AND SCOOPS HER UP LIKE A BABE IN ARMS.

ROSS
Righto. If you need talcum powder then there's plenty of cocaine metaphors you can use.

EXEUNT LEE AND LONG

ROSS NOTICES ONE OF JOSIE LONG'S SHOES ON THE STUDIO FLOOR. HE PICKS IT UP AND PLACES IT ON A WALL SO THAT STEWART LEE WILL BE ABLE TO FIND IT THE NEXT TIME HE WALKS PAST.

CUT TO ANT AND DEC WITH THEIR FUCKING FACES BASHED IN. LAUGHING.

	Worst Comedy Gameshow Mock The Week Hey, let's get the Twister board out too - make it a party 43% of the overall vote "My love of Whose Line is it Anyway? makes me feel actual, tangible hatred towards this show. I don't think this suceeds on any level. Those improv games aren't designed to be topical, and pre-scripting them doesn't solve the problem. How are suggesstions of "famous dying words" supposed to "Mock the Week" anyway? Even if you do devise "stingrays love foreplay"-type punchlines beforehand? There are many, many other problems though. Like Dara's opening monologue, which I keep forgetting exists, there just generally isn't any coherence to the proceedings. And constant appearences from the likes of Gina Yashere, Russel Howard and Andy Parsons really, really caps it all off. But even with good comics and a major tweaking the format seems unsalvagable to me. Just really needs to fuck off. And Frankie Boyle needs a good fucking punch. If I ever find myself watching this again I'll probably just count the close-ups of strained grins to pass the time." - AC "It's not even a proper panel show. No original round ideas, no scoring system - even a comedy one - and no obvious point. It's like someone made something in the shape of a panel show without actually understanding how they work." - James Wilkinson "It's a great idea, but they get the wrong people on. Simple as that. Just a bunch of rent-a-panellists who neither know nor care about the topical issues that the show is centred on but did once see a Rory Bremner Live video." - TJ RUNNERS UP: Have I Got News For You (35%) Never Mind The Full Stops (21%) PREVIOUS WINNER: 8 Out Of 10 Cats (Worst Panel Show)

Mock The Week, there. A veritable supergroup of also-rans from better comedy shows of the past. Sadly, the cast and crew couldn't be with us tonight as they're far too busy researching up-to-the-minute topical material for their Christmas special - by relistening to their old 90s radio routines at the Sound Archives.

Have I Got News For You meanwhile plumbs new depths with each successive series. I wonder whatever happened to all those idiots who roamed around the net a few years back, spitting "Well of course Angus Deayton had to go - his position had become untenable, and anyway, all he ever did was read the autocue... " They seem to be keeping a bit of a low profile these days - unless they've all undergone username transplants and morphed into those idiots who currently roam around the net spitting "Well of course Gervais has to charge for the podcasts - Karl hasn't got a job... !"

I doff my cap to you, Mr Mulville. I do hope the sweet taste of revenge was worth the hours of truly revolting, reactionary comedy the post-Deayton manifestation of the BBC's 'flagship satire show' has foisted on us. Go on, have a drink on us. In fact, have two. No, go ahead, finish off the bottle, I'll open another crate. Few lines of coke to go with that? I'll send your old mate Rory out to get some from Dave if you like. Then, as the rehab wagon is little more than a rapidly departing speck on the horizon, and you awake, bleary-eyed and bruised, in a massive pool of spew, piss and old off-airs of Round The Bend, we can settle down to watch the most recent series of Have I Got News For You at full volume. Maybe, in this chemically-wounded state, you'll finally realise the true entertainment value of thick wankers braying hollow wails of laughter at jokes nicked from The Sun, 'funny internet clips' and cloying Boris Johnson references.

As such it gives me tremendous pleasure to present the award for Worst Comedy Film.

	Worst Comedy Film The Pink Panther remake You said it 'beumed'? 40% of the overall vote "Steve Martin, fresh from the heady comedic heights of Cheaper by the Dozen 1 & 2, digs even further into the dirt beneath the barrel. Part of us all lives in hope that he laments his recent outings every day of his life, though another, slightly larger part suspects he rubs his face in money and cries himself to sleep every night without knowing why. I'd match his fees for all three of the movies mentioned on a bet that he is regularly in therapy " - Big Jack McBastard "Well Steve Martin now appears to have a career in ruining old classics. So why not now complete the task by remaking 'The Jerk'." - Bert Thung "Don't wank on other people's graves. Get ready for a Steve Martin remake of the Third Reich - but without the laughs." - Dan Smith RUNNERS UP: Confetti (31%) Dirty Sanchez (28%) PREVIOUS WINNER: n/a (new category)

Steve Martin, there. Give him a banjo and an empty stage and he has the audience eating out of his hand. Give him a tax bill and a poor update of a well-loved comedy classic, and he has the audience eating in for the duration of its run.

Still, probably not the worst attempt to cash in on the Clouseau franchise thus far. Who can forget Blake Edwards' 1987 script proposal 'The Bones of The Pink Panther', which would have involved him digging up Peter Sellers' skeleton, dressing it in a yellow mac and throwing it at Herbert Lom. Luckily these plans were quickly denounced as 'unthinkable' by Hollywood bigwigs - Sellers' equity membership having expired several years previously.

Sadly, Steve Martin can't be here in person to collect this award as he's tied up with filming the new Hollywood remake of Being There and it takes ages to get in and out of that skateboarding robot costume. We'd liked to have shown you a clip of the Pink Panther remake tonight but the movie company that made it has already forgotten it exists.

So, as consolation, let's take an exclusive sneak preview at the forthcoming sequel to one of our runners up tonight, ladies and gentlemen: Confetti 2: The New Batch (of Confetti). This is marvellous, have a look at this...

	BEST MAN (STEPHEN MANGAN) ... to thank the bridesmaids. And finally, I'd like to conclude with my favourite joke. What's pink and wrinkly and makes girls cry? WEDDING GUEST (ROBERT WEBB) Ha, I know this one! It's very funny! It's cot death isn't it? WEDDING RECEPTION REACT. PLATES RATTLE. ELDERLY GUESTS COLLAPSE BEST MAN Erm, no... it's an elephant on drugs playing the theme from ET. WEDDING GUEST Ah, sorry, I was... er... thinking of a different joke. BEST MAN Ah, mmm. WEDDING GUEST Mmm. CUT TO THE EDITING SUITE. LONG PAUSE WHILE THE PRODUCERS DESPERATELY AWAIT SOMETHING THEY CAN USE AS VIABLE 'NIGEL TUFNEL' BATHOS, ALLOWING THEM TO CUT TO THE NEXT SCENE. IT DOESN'T COME.

CUT BACK TO ROSS WIPING HIS EYES WITH A HANDKERCHIEF

ENTIRE ROOM APPLAUDS. BRIEF SHOT OF ROBERT WEBB HANGING FROM A LIGHTING GANTRY.

(Budge up, Craig. Ooh, is that Issue 5 of 'Das Shaven Räven'? Gis it here, I'll translate for you. Puff puff... Aaah, Bisto... )

Worst Sketch Show:

	Worst Sketch Show Tittybangbang Fannyfuckfuck 51% of the overall vote "You may think I'm being a little bit harsh to Tittybangbang, what with nominating it for every available category, but it is, without hyperbole, the worst programme ever made. How could the Oxbridge educated, well paid and presumably trained staff at BBC 3 think they were on to a winner with this one? I even wrote to the Beeb to complain about the show. They didn't reply, the demograph-hunting shits." - Evil Knevil "Lucy Montgomery and Debbie Chazen clearly have potential as comic actors but are poorly served by a parade of criminally unfunny characters and writing so wretched you'd expect it came from a sixth form review rather than a comedy legend like Bob Mortimer. So poor it makes The Catherine Tate Show look like Harry Enfield & Chums. " - Rupert Pupkin "Utterly without merit, wit, imagination, vision or purpose. A piece of television that apes the comedy format but never actually produces any comedy. TittyBangBang is nothing less than the BBC wasting the money of license-payers and then laughing in their face as they throw good money after bad on the second season. " - Jonathan McCalmont RUNNERS UP: The Catherine Tate Show (25%) Little Britain (22%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Spoons

Worst New TV Comedy:

	Worst New TV Comedy Tittybangbang Labiascrewscrew 60% of the overall vote "I've seen several people claim that Tittybangbang isn't a suitable vehicle for Lucy Montgomery's talents and does not do her justice - this despite the fact that she both stars in and contributes "additional material" to the show. The only vehicle I want for her talents is a hearse." - Fruity Gonzalez "Makes me long for North Korean television. At least the endless paeans to the Dear Leader go on less than that bloody Italian maid." - Evil Knevil "Like a vomit stream of everything that's wrong with comedy at the moment. Seems to think that the more latex you use=FUNNY!!! Oh Bob, how could you involve yourself with this shite. No wonder you didn't put your actual name to it." - Al Tha Funkee Homosapien RUNNERS UP: Time Trumpet (21%) Little Miss Jocelyn (18%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Spoons

Worst Overall Comedy:

	Worst Overall Comedy Tittybangbang Clittysexsex 52% of the overall vote "2006 has been the Year Of The Screechingly Unfunny Comedienne/Actress. It all kicked off with The Catherine Tate Show, a downright boring and teeth-grating exercise in ego-masturbation by the lady herself, eschewing subtle or even interesting character comedy in favour of tired catchphrases, cliched characters (ooh, a chav schoolgirl, ooh, a swearing granny, oh how very original darling!), and the general self-delusion that this is somehow more than comedy, it's some sort of frigging artform (for a comparable example in a different comedy genre, think Double Take). The sad fact is that this sub-Thompson somehow spawned a wave of even worse imitators. Lucy Montgomery and TittyBangBang has to be the prime example. Has anyone genuinely laughed at anything in that series, ever? Apart from a brief smile raised by the phrase "quack and chips", the whole thing oozed the sort of desperate vileness that made self-harm look like a welcome, and funnier, alternative. And Little Miss Jocelyn just takes the worst elements of these two distinctly underwhelming shows, and makes them all the blander and more pointless. Hopefully the trend will stop there, although knowing our luck BBC3 will probably just commission a wave of sketch shows for Screechingly Unfunny Comedian/Actors instead." - Catalogue Trousers "The few clips I've seen of this were terrible (and they were supposed highlights), and the ratings for this were appalling as far as I'm aware. Given that, its recommissioning seems frankly bizarre. The BBC may be hoping for a 'cult' audience - they might just be one letter out there given the type of viewer it would attract." - JPA "Just plain awful... actually, it's a lot worse than that." - Little Hoover RUNNERS UP: Extras (30%) The Catherine Tate Show (20%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Balls Of Steel

Most Inexplicably Recommissioned Comedy Show:

	Most Inexplicably Recommissioned Comedy Show Tittybangbang Nippleshagshag 47% of the overall vote "Poor viewing figures, poor critical feedback, poor comedy. The people involved tried, and they failed. The lesson is that these people should not be allowed to try again, but someone at the BBC doesn't work like that apparently." - weekender "Another shit year for comedy, basically. Oh, loads of concepts were introduced which were supposed to bring about a sea change in comedy - the return to brightly-lit trad-com (The IT Crowd); streaming tv episodes before their terrestrial broadcast (lots of BBC3 stuff, The IT Crowd); the embracing of the flash animation / virals DIY ethos (Time Trumpet), but nothing's really changed other than the fact that it's easier than ever to hype mediocre shit like Tittybangbang into a recommission." - Barney Sloane "If it wasn't good enough to be shown in full on BBC2, why was it good enough to be recommissioned? Especially as it's the same every bleeding week. It was never going to improve because every episode is identical - Seepage he's got a knife widdle on a lady an ugly darts player a fat lady's arse don't look at me. Okay then, I won't." - Robot DeNiro RUNNERS UP: Friday Night Project (21%) Bo! In The USA (20%) Hyperdrive (9%) PREVIOUS WINNER: n/a (new category)

Finished? Jolly good. And thank you, Craig. Get him home safely, driver. He has work in the morning.

ROSS
Yup, that's it. Let's go...

Sadly, the cast of Tittybangbang couldn't be here tonight. But to collect the awards on their behalf, will you please welcome to the stage, making a rare public appearance, Mr Bob Mortimer No Actually Someone Else, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE. 'BOB MORTIMER NO ACTUALLY SOMEONE ELSE' ENTERS, WEARING A HUGE 'MAN WITH THE STICK' PAPER MASK.

BOB MORTIMER NO ACTUALLY SOMEONE ELSE
No, I have to wear this all the time now so Tittybangbang viewers don't recognise me in the street and beat me up.

ROSS
Good call. Still, I'm sure the old magic is still there. Let's try it, shall we? [TO AUDIENCE] "What do we cry when we meet the Man With The Stick?"

CUT TO AUDIENCE SHOT

CUT BACK TO SOUNDSTAGE. 'BOB MORTIMER NO ACTUALLY SOMEONE ELSE' IS SUDDENLY NO LONGER THERE, THE CONTINUITY HAVING BEEN RUINED SPECIALLY FOR THE DVD RELEASE...

	Worst Overall Channel For TV Comedy Channel 4 University for scum 55% of the overall vote "Did they make any comedy this year apart from Peep Show and The IT Crowd? I mean proper comedy, not hidden camera pranks, panel shows or programmes made by children. 6 hours of comedy in one year is a very poor record." - Robot DeNiro "God, this was a tough one. But - when you get all misty-eyed and remember the great comedy that Channel 4 used to be capable of - you can't help but shake your head in bewilderment at the sixth-form shit they peddle these days." - C J Davies "Channel 4 seem to think - judging by their recent output of braindead comedy such as The Friday Night Project and Whatever - that their audience are morons. That's totally unforgivable." - Joseph Heeran RUNNERS UP: BBC3 (40%) BBC2 (4%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Channel 4

Channel 4 there, celebrating its second Tumbleweed. Keep voting, guys - a few more years of it and they'll have acquired enough of them to build an oblique shapeless structure - which then reveals itself as the '4' logo for a few seconds as the camera tracks past. Whoo. 1970s Schools & Colleges Perception Module 7, eat your heart out.

I'm afraid Channel 4 couldn't appear in person tonight to collect its award, as it's an enormous monolithic structure fashioned out of a mixture of concrete, steel and glass. And it wasn't wearing a black tie. I'm sorry, but The Tumbleweeds has a very strict dress policy. Got to keep the riff raff out.

CUTAWAY: EXTERIOR SHOT. THE CHANNEL 4 BUILDING ARGUES WITH A SECURITY GUARD. "DON'T YOU KNOW WHO I AM?", IT SHOUTS

CUT BACK TO STUDIO

Others have a more positive outlook however and so, to redress the balance, we go over live now to former Spitting Image writer John O'Farrell. As luck would have it he's just bought a computer and is ready to dish out some up-to-the-minute spoof internet news for y'all. Mr John O'Farrell, ladies and gentlemen...

The grass may be superficially greener across the pond, but there are plenty of stale cowpats nestling in those rich prairie plains. And with that pleasant mental image in mind, let's get a fork and examine the recipient of the award for Worst International Comedy Show.

	Worst International Comedy Show The Simpsons An increasingly stuffed crust 46% of the overall vote "Just stop. Please. If the current standard continues, then the ratio of average to embarrassing episodes will outweigh the consistent brilliance of the earlier seasons (some may argue this has already happened). The Simpsons should be remembered as one of the greatest comedy shows of all time - but given that when you tune in to an episode lately you're greeted with ugly animation, a lifeless atmosphere, telegraphed jokes, episodes betraying the established personalities of the characters, and plotlines like Bart being kidnapped by a monkey - then I doubt people will." - JPA "Please don't get me started on The Simpsons. By all means, make that feature film, and make it as great as you can, but let the series go to the television boneyard. Once genuine characterisation and interesting plots give way to the gimmick of the week, nearly all of the appeal is gone, and all that's left is a weary smile raised by the occasional half-decent one-liner." - Catalogue Trousers "We all remember when The Simpsons could leave you smiling when it ended, or make you laugh like a hyena on nitrous oxide at the irreverence of it. Sadly the peak of that bonfire has passed, the pressurised cans have exploded, the fireworks have gone off and now we're left with a quarter of the wood, the burning tyres and chunks of metal that refuse to disappear. The episodes now can leave you numb or even angry once they finish at the sheer lack of imagination and quality of writing. Now and then a writer throws on an old mattress and we catch glimpses of that grand old flame, only to see it vanish in double quick time. No-one has the will to throw a bucket of water on it and so it slowly degrades and dies over the years, it's sad to see and none of us want it to go by burning itself out. 2007 will bring The Simpsons Movie which, if it is a success in terms of content, would be the best time for the writers to call it a day." - Big Jack McBastard RUNNERS UP: American Dad (38%) South Park (15%) PREVIOUS WINNER: Will & Grace (Blandest Transatlantic Import)

Yes, The Simpsons. Worst. Attempt. To. Cross-Promote. Itself. With. A. Recent. Success. Story. By. Pretending. That. Gervais. Had. Scripted. An. Episode. Ever.

Sadly, Matt Groening couldn't be with us tonight to collect his award because The Tumbleweeds has no affiliation with a UK TV channel prepared to broadcast his stuff. However we can go over live now via satellite to the Laughter Factory in Los Angeles, where Michael Richards from Seinfeld is onstage dealing with hecklers in his own unique way.

	MICHAEL RICHARDS ONSTAGE. HECKLERS SHOUTING "GET OFF" RICHARDS Hey! Shut the fuck up, nigger! SHOCKED RESPONSE RICHARDS Ooh! Ooh! You didn't like that, did you! Shocked ya, huh? HECKLING BEGINS AGAIN, MORE LOUDLY RICHARDS Yeah, Fuck you too, man. Fuck you! You wanna come up here? Yeah, nigger. I dare you to come up on this stage and bend over in front of the white man. I'll fuck you up your black ass. And then you'll know what it means to be a fuckin nigger! My supreme white dick entering your bloated negro asshole, in front of a burning cross and the Klan dancin' around chanting 'Fuck him! Fuck him! Fuck him!' Then I'll get yo black momma to suck your shit right offa my dick, right in front of you, motherfucker. And all your brothers will take it in turns to screw yo momma till she bleeds all over the cotton she's picking. Right here! Right onstage! How'd ya like that, huh? ANGRY SHOUTING AND PROTESTS. THE AUDIENCE AND THE MEDIA TURN INTO A LYNCH MOB AND PREPARE TO STORM THE STAGE. RICHARDS ... and we'd call ourselves The Aristocrats! STUNNED SILENCE. YOU COULD HEAR A PIN DROP. THEN... THE AUDIENCE FALL ABOUT LAUGHING, SHOUTING "GENIUS". JERRY LEWIS AND DEAN MARTIN HUG EACH OTHER. MILTON BERLE AND RED SKELTON RUB THEMSELVES INTO A FRENZY, MORT SAHL EXPLODES ALL OVER THE SIDEWALK; BILL COSBY EATS HIS OWN WEIGHT IN HOSTESS TWINKIES, LILY TOMLIN GIVES BIRTH TO A GUN. ROWAN AND MARTIN BOMB IRAQ, ETC.

CUT BACK TO THE STUDIO. THE TUMBLEWEEDS AUDIENCE ARE WRITHING AROUND ON THE STUDIO FLOOR IN TEARS OF LAUGHTER. EXCEPT FOR JOSIE LONG WHO DOESN'T GET THE REFERENCE. STEWART LEE LEANS OVER AND WHISPERS SOMETHING IN HER EAR. THEN SHE JOINS IN WITH THE LAUGHTER.

INTRO

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