|
|
|
|
|
|
Wuh-huh-huh-helcome to London's fashionable London Weekend Television Studios in colour where members of the press and normal people alike are gathered on this balmy, bracing, July evening in December awaiting the arrival of all the glittering, twinkling stars that make up the dazzling firmament that constitutes pages 12 to 23 inclusive of the Penguin Illustrated Pocket Book of Astronomy that is the contemporary comedy scene - all thrust together for one night only, to attend what is fast becoming a national institution: the annual Cook'd and Bomb'd Comedy Tumbleweed Awards. The one you're reading at the moment as it happens.
| | |
And first to arrive is David Mitchell, looking quite fetching there in a delightful suit on hire for the evening. Comedy fans will immediately recognise it as the very same suit which Stephen Fry used to wear at the end of the later Fry & Laurie shows. It's a little ill-fitting on David, but at least he's making the best of it. 'Soupy twist,' sir!
And David is accompanied tonight by his long-time comedy partner... David Mitchell, looking positively marvellous in a stripy shirt and jeans which I gather he borrowed from Richard Herring. As off-the-peg comedy goes there's surely non-finer in the business today. David will be signing DVDs of Alexei Sayle's Stuff in the foyer after the show.
And, acting as chaperone for David and David tonight is of course the very lovely David Mitchell, looking frankly glorious in his own clothes for once - the ones he wears when he agrees to appear on some low-rent Zeppotron panel game. The ideal ensemble for any devil-may-care man-about-town who'll go to the opening of an envelope as long as it contains an appearance fee.
| |
|
More stars arriving now, and also Matt Holness. Matt just pulled an amusing face there, instantly recognisable to fans as 'Joke #3' of his infamous character 'Paul Cambridge'. Like Steve Coogan before him, Matt draws experience from everyday life when fleshing out his characters. As he says, 'Cambridge' is based on "the sort of people who used to cross the road to avoid me when I was a student."
One person at Cambridge who didn't cross the road to avoid Matt was Richard Ayoade, also arriving now. Richard is of course currently very much 'the one to watch', ever since Armando Iannucci was observed asking him to pass the salt in the BBC canteen. Since that day, literally hoards of media scumbags have been falling over each other in an attempt to pass Richard some salt. So what if the Darkplace viral street-teamers outnumbered the actual fans five to one? So what if Man To Man With Dean Learner was the equivalent of watching an unemployed plasterer from Northolt performing Knowing Me Knowing Yule on Stars In Their Eyes? Minor setbacks at the most - and anyway, as Iannucci himself recently pontificated, it's all Avalon's fault for not demanding that they be scheduled earlier in the evening - when their ideal audience of pre-school toddlers could have had a chance to enjoy them.
| |
|
Speaking of which, here's The Mighty Boosh. Evidently Fielding and Barratt couldn't get a babysitter for the evening and have resorted to bringing all their kids with them. Ah, no, apparently that's the front row of their last gig. The lucky winners of a 'Night Out With The Boosh' competition I'm told. All they had to do to win was write out their own names in longhand without adding LOL and ROFLMAO at the end. So nice to see that at least seven of them managed it.
Steve Coogan's also accompanied by a competition winner tonight - the lucky recipient being anyone who managed to get through all seven episodes of Saxondale. I tell you what, you can see the family resemblance there. Definitely his mother's child.
Sacha Baron-Cohen arriving now, fresh from his stint at editing the British National Party website in character as 'Borat' to drum up publicity for the recent film. The latter decision has been denounced as somewhat iffy by a lot of people. I mean, didn't that nice Mr Griffin check whether Baron-Cohen was a Yid before hiring him?
And here they come now, thick and fast. Is that comedy writer and Doctor Who fan Nev Fountain I see there, shouting 'You psychotic spaz!' at anyone with negative opinions about people he's likely to work with? No, my mistake, it's actually his spiritual doppelganger James Bachman, looking somewhat worse for wear as he's just spent an entire week collecting signatures for a massive online Save Peep Show petition. Apparently the notion of watching gullible internet comedy fans "saving" a show which was never in any danger of being cancelled in the first place is one of the few things which gets him hard these days. Still, we must be Objective about such matters.
There's David Mitchell, at the door, checking people's tickets, and how nice to see Armando Ianucci taking time out from his very busy schedule to make an appearance tonight and... oh, goodness me, it's not Armando at all. It's actually Time Trumpet writers Roger Drew and Will Smith doing a dreadful, watered-down imitation of him. How very very like them. I should have realised of course - there are two 'n's in Iannucci. Anyone who understands his comedy knows that!
| |
|
Flashbulbs popping a-plenty now as the delectable Josie Long enters, wearing 'that dress'. The 'that dress' in question being a massive cardboard box covered in sandpaper and padded out with discarded chip-wrapper, fish-heads and old tights. Absolutely useless as an item of clothing, rather abrasive to the touch and stinks to high heaven - but at least it's not a boring old 'traditional' dress like someone from Jongleurs would wear. The revolution starts here, grandad!
Oops, Josie very nearly tripped over the red carpet just then... but didn't. And the sound you're hearing now is the rapturous laughter of her regular Book Club audience. It is literally the funniest thing they've ever seen. Having said that, the sound-mixing tonight is by Avalon Television so even the distressed whines of a repeatedly-kicked labrador would sound like boffo woofs to the viewing audience.
| |
|
A special guest of the evening, here's the very sexy Christopher Hitchens. Not actually a comedian per se, but so much of today's right-wing comedy scum seems to adore his unique blend of two-faced reactionary fence-sitting and caustic attempts to rubbish any 'boat rocking' stance that he got a personal invite. He appears to be having some difficulty getting out of his car though - the cast and production team behind That Mitchell & Webb Look are lying down at his feet, begging him to piss into their opened mouths. What a beautiful sight to behold. After all, it's not as simple as all that. And, hey, maybe there were weapons of mass destruction! How do you know?
Richard Ayoade approaching the front entrance now. Uh-oh, looks like he's forgotten his ticket! Ah, luckily he's managed to get past security by telling them "the dog ate it...errrrm...". Ayoade's 'gift for improvisation' remains second to none.
David Mitchell there, sharing a joke with David Mitchell and a very young David Mitchell. Unfortunately the joke they're sharing is an old one of Adam & Joe's, so presumably we can expect that gag to be suitably appropriated and turned into a long torturous running sketch in their next BBC2 series. That's Numberwang!
| |
|
And here's man of the moment, Daniel Kitson who'll be compering the after-show disco. Daniel will be having an 'off-night' tonight and won't be particularly funny, but don't judge his performance too harshly: this is after all simply a warm-up show - he's currently fine-tuning 'having an off-night' and 'not being particularly funny' for a major forthcoming tour of 'off nights' and not-particularly-funny shows up and down the country.
Fans will be pleased to hear that Daniel is also planning a fresh run of Resonance 104.4 FM shows where he'll meander further on the philosophical ramifications of his art by not actually bothering to turn up for each show in turn, instead allowing his half-finished bag of crisps from the previous series to do the links instead. The half-finished bag of crisps is currently tipped to win next year's if.comeddies Best Newcomer Award (crisp category).
And, here's Daniel Kitson's arch-nemesis Mitch Benn. Unlike Daniel, Mitch has no need of practice warm-ups. He's a professional and can be 'not particularly funny' quite naturally. Mitch has also come dressed to please tonight - his specially-tailored suit is fashioned entirely from unsold copies of his CDs. These will be on sale throughout the show. As luck would have it, Mitch is opposed to doing nude scenes anyway.
The cast of that space thing with Rob Brydon in it there, sharing a much-deserved vol-au-vent with the cast of that space thing with Nick Frost in it. Not sure what they're chatting about. Space, probably.
I can just make out Catherine Tate in the corner there, sharing a joke with Matt Lucas and David Walliams. Apparently they've been there for the past three hours sharing the joke in question over and over again and show no signs of stopping any time soon.
You may also recognise Catherine's competition winner guest - it's Mrs Doreen Bellingham who, at 115 years old, is recognised by the Guinness Book Of World Records as the Oldest Woman In Britain, and is therefore now eligible to appear in a Catherine Tate Show sketch saying the word "fuck."
| |
|
David Mitchell, over there, serving drinks. And, just behind him, comedy writer Graham Linehan chatting with the cast of The IT Crowd and the ghost (although maybe not the spirit) of Dermot Morgan. As you may remember The IT Crowd was Graham's contribution to a revolutionary new six-years-too-late initiative among comedy writers to cut through the torturous 'dark, naturalistic comedy' malaise and make a viable return to studio-lit audience-laughter sit-coms which are almost - but not quite - as funny as Is It Legal. The jury's still out as to whether this drive was a success, but don't worry - just as soon as one member of that jury's prepared to give a flying bollock either way I'm sure the rest of them will leap on it and create a 'consensus opinion'. Whatever the outcome, comedy journalist Stephen Armstrong will be selling the T-shirts in the foyer after the show.
And the well-rehearsed boos and jeers you now hear signal the arrival of a big comedy Volkswagen van filled with the current crop of 'easy media targets'. As you'll no doubt know, these are comedians or shows osmotically voted as 'safe to diss' by industry wankers and proles alike, without ever a single original thought passing through the feculent vacuum of their skulls. There's Leigh Frances, anyone? there, president of the academy for the third year running, followed by the casts of My Hero, anyone?, My Family, anyone?, Two Pints Of Lager And A Packet Of Crisps, anyone?, Jim Davidson, anyone? and of course Ben 'We Will Rock You' Elton, anyone?. Driving the bus is Justin Lee Collins. Justin's still very much a new boy and has yet to attain full '...anyone?' status. All this will change later tonight as Graham Linehan is scheduled to bravely denounce The Friday Night Project as "not much good" on his weblog, signalling an air-drop of the ceremonial blazer badge and tie-pin.
Adam Buxton there, having his head repeatedly kicked in by Robert Webb and a David Mitchell or two. A few people are rushing to his aid and attempting to drag the assailants away, but... no, Adam's refusing all offers of assistance. "I find it utterly ridiculous that people are trying to stop Mitchell and Webb from beating me up!", he's saying. "If they want to knock me senseless then that's their prerogative. I certainly don't need people trying to protect me! I love their show!" Wow, when media people get behind the 'latest success' they don't half go for it!
Following his contributions to Time Trumpet and The IT Crowd, Adam is now planning a complete change of direction, with a return to comedy. He's already devised a brand new sitcom. The scripts for Series 1 are complete and production will commence shortly - just as soon as he buys a new webcam and finishes drawing all the characters' faces on his toes.
| |
|
And here's the real Armando Iannucci at last. He seems to be having a bit of trouble negotiating the red carpet as he's finding it difficult navigating the zimmer frame while playing Tetris on his brand new Gameboy. Apparently he's already signed up several of the coloured bricks to contribute to the next series of Time Trumpet, so that's one to watch out for.
Cor, love-a-duck, there's angry-young-man Charlie Brooker in the foyer, pouring some of his fearful invective on Gary Glitter. Brooker absolutely hates Glitter of course - and with good reason! Allowing The Timelords to bastardise 'Rock N Roll Part 2' for their 1986 single 'Doctorin' The Tardis' was a terrible lapse of judgement. Pertinent attacks as ever, Charlie. Keep it up.
Andrew Collins is notable only by his absence tonight, sadly. He was due to be interviewed later to give us his personal round-up on who's 'hot', who's 'not' and who's 'bubbling under' in the world of comedy in 2006, but unfortunately he'll only know for certain in about three years time and has yet to perfect the gift of time travel.
| |
|
Stewart Lee, there, having a discussion on religion with Jesus Christ, Judas Iscariot and Ben Elton circa 1987. Unlike Andrew Collins, Stewart has perfected the gift of time travel and has been indulging in some Quantum Leap-style righting-of-wrongs. He'll shortly be using it to appear as a guest on A Word In Your Era, The Brain Drain, Tibs & Fibs and various other dreadful 90s panel shows in the hope of reversing the bolshy artistic stance he took against such crap back then, thus changing history and rendering himself employable for the 00s.
Richard Herring isn't here tonight as he's currently using the same time machine to travel back to 1995 and insert a load of cloying running gags into Fist of Fun. And to delete their Comedy Awards parody because it seems bitter in retrospect apparently.
Just waiting now for the special American guest star of the evening. Not sure who it is yet - it could either be that bloke from Curb Your Enthusiasm or that bloke from Scrubs... possibly even that bloke from The Daily Show. Very difficult to tell at this stage as there aren't enough seeders for a torrent download, but rest assured, whoever it is, I'm sure some devious sod from More4 will manage to convince them that Marcus Brigstocke is one of our nation's best loved stand-ups, and use him as bartering fodder in some peculiar Trans-Atlantic comedy exchange programme. God knows who we'd get in return though. Has Mark Chapman got a stand-up set?
A marvellous panoramic shot of the London skyline there, on this glorious, bracing December evening. I can just make out the outline of St Pauls in the dista... oh, no, actually it's not London at all. It's David Mitchell. He gets simply everywhere doesn't he! The obsequious little shit.
| |
|
And yes, here's the joke you've been waiting for. It's the very lovely Ricky Gervais. For the benefit of our radio audience, Gervais is wearing a magnificent get-up tonight. An entirely flesh-coloured ensemble with nipplets on the chest, five toe-like protuberances on the shoes, a dangling 'penis' motif on the groinal area and an arse round the back. A real tour de force there, proving beyond all reasonable doubt that, despite the whines of the naysayers, Gervais really can dress to thrill. And you can point out he's stark bollock naked all you want. No-one's listening la la la la la.
Now, as the doors close, the stars take their seats and the champagne starts to flow like urine from the incontinent bladder of Dame Media Darling, the fun can finally begin.
Hand us a box of matches someone - let's burn the sodding building to the ground while we have the chance!
No? Ah well, a man can dream.
| |
|
|
| |
|
|
