Rob S walks in looking worried

He sits down and sighs in a simon pegg type way.

The visuals look a bit funny and some new, slightly bland indie music is playing.

End of Part One

PART TWO

(The rest is FRV)

EXT. NIGHT

Sophie Raworth & Tanya Beckett are kissing each other under a lamp-post

AL enters

Now just a minute pal - the phrase 'so and so enters' is stolen from the script of Out Of The Trees, y'all

Suddenly...the moon turned red and birds began to fall to the ground like there was no tomorrow!

Mike - "If only I could tell the truth about my feelings for Iain Lee."

Joe - "I'm worried about the public's possible consumption of cheap meat in the 1980s."

Enter JANE ROOT with a clipboard

JANE ROOT: Excellent. Just change the setting to a bar in Agia Napa and make the cast all gay twenty-somethings and you're onto a winner! We'll be knocking out twenty-eight episodes a year in no time. Don't forget to add a "Dark" twist, like they've all got cancer or something. Just like that Johnny Morris chap would do, probably.

DESPERATE JOBBING WRITER: Here's the script for a new and original sitcom I've developed.

JANE ROOT: Fie. Avaunt and piss off, young fleapizzle. I've got more important things to think about.

DESPERATE JOBBING WRITER: (resigned sigh) All right, here's some other shite I scribbled on the back of an envelope this morning. It's an idea for a chat show where the celebrity guests have to vote each other off.

JANE ROOT: Wahey! That's more fucking like it. And of course the fact that every other media swine was bandying around the exact same idea only goes to show how exciting and original it is, right Steve?

STEVE BERRY: Cheerio!

DESPERATE JOBBING WRITER: Can someone look at my sitcom now, please?

STUDENT: *blows nose*

TV CONTROLLERS: That was fantastic! Can you do that again?

STUDENT: *blows nose and looks smug*

TV CONTROLLERS: Fucking great. Here's an enormous cheque. Away and deliver us a top flight series. Don't forget - smug is the new funny.

DESPERATE JOBBING WRITER: I'm sick of whoring myself round the ITV variety circuit. I don't care if they pay out the GDP of a small country just for writing the words "Hallo and welcome to the show" for the autocue - I want to be able to write funny stuff for funny programmes again.

TV CONTROLLERS: *look around room, whistle, examine nails etc*

DESPERATE JOBBING WRITER: Well then fuck the lot of you. *Moves to Zambia* **

(** True story)

PUBLIC: Ah well. If it makes you laugh it must be funny. *Watches in a daze as overpaid overhyped celebrity ditz pokes fun at Victoria Beckham for being overpaid overhyped celebrity. Laughs.*

>Now just a minute pal - the phrase 'so and so enters' is stolen from the script of Out Of The Trees, y'all

And them's a fact.

If something makes you cry, does that mean it's sad?

No, onions are decidedly un-sad.