It's just a stock line lots of unfunny people use, also a favourite retort of Phil Jupitus I'm told. Pointless bastard.

Can't remember the comic, byt replying to a heckler:

"Listen man, do I come down the train station when you're working and slap the dick out of your mouth."

Then the comic hit the heckler with his guitar.

There's an unanswerable heckle received, I think, by Mark Steel which was simply
"Look, what do you want?"

1.) In response to some random heckle along the lines of 'You're shit!':

'You're just pissed of because your mum only gives the third best blow-jobs in London and I should know because it's my cock she sucks.'

(I think credited to Jerry Sadowitz)

2.) Dan Antopolski at Late'n'Live in Edinburgh this year responding the heckle 'Tell us a joke':

'Your mum fell into some cheese sandwiches, and she got covered in cheese. Absolutely covered in it. She stank of cheese. And hundreds and hundreds of mice came from miles around, drawn to her by the smell of cheese. She was covered in mice. Overcome by them. But she was glad of the company, because YOU NEVER CALL.'

Genius.

I'll let someone else type out Kit Hollenbach's. Not got the fingers this morning.

"We're all from Whitley Bay!"

"That's got to be the best heckle I've ever had."

That last one was by Ross Noble, the other week.

"You may very well shout out,sir, but I know that when i go home i've got a lovely chicken cooking in the oven"
Harry Hill

"Keep talking,son, it makes the bouncers easier to find you"
Billy Connolly

Them not bad

"Fuck off, you big-mouthed cunt."


Thats a good one.

"....and your mum can fuck off, as well. And....er.....Ive probably had sex with her, or shes probably fellated me,along with quite a few other fellows as well, I should imagine. And you look like your milkman. And your mums watched Richard Herring having a wank.And given him a biscuit afterwards. And you smell, and probably never read any decent books or anything. You puff."

Another winner.

Chris Langham: "Any hecklers here tonight? [shouts of 'Yes'] Is that it? I like to get it out of the way at the start..."

Jeremy Hardy, replying to a heckler he couldn't hear properly.

"Look Dave. I've told you, it's over"

>"Listen man, do I come down the train station when you're working and slap the dick out of your mouth."

That was used in a Larry Sanders episode recently. Phil trying to explain to Artie how to handle hecklers:

"Look, all you've got to do is come back with a dick-related insult. Like: 'Oh, looks like somebody took his dick out his mouth long enough to speak.'"
"That's it? Oh, but what if the heckler's a woman?"
"Same thing: you talk about her dick. Drives 'em crazy."

>
>That was used in a Larry Sanders episode recently. Phil trying to explain to Artie how to handle hecklers:
>
>"Look, all you've got to do is come back with a dick-related insult. Like: 'Oh, looks like somebody took his dick out his mouth long enough to speak.'"

The quote I posted was refering to being a person who sucks other peoples dick, but auto-fellatio is just as funny.

Another dick one

Heckler: You suck!

R. Pryor (immediately): My dick!

freak bros strip:
to hippy-
"haha i can't tell if it's a boy or a girl!"
-"why don't you suck my dick and find out?"


i know it's not a heckler, but the post did say put downs.

SHUT UP YOU CUNT!

The unexpectedness of Jim Tavare (all suited and booted with a smart bowtie etc, not to mention the fact that he was flanked by a double bass) saying this to a heckler made me laugh long and loud.

Also, on one of Pryor's albums, someone in the audience blows a whistle, to which RP responds with "This ain't Kool and the Gang, motherfucker!" Genius.

"YER mother wears combat boots & pisses standing up"

Well I fancied a biscuit a minute ago and I don't now.

'Everyone hates you - you must know from school!' (Received by character comedian Cynical Sid at the Comedy Store, 1986)

Best retort - Nick Hancock, after being heckled by a cockney: 'Ohhhhhhhh...[fuck off and] SELL SOME FRUIT!'

Rik Mayall at one of the Bottom Live shows: "I don't come round to where you work and laugh at you."

Billy Connolly said something similar but instead of "where you work" it was "where you sweep up."

"Why don't you just get fucked you fucking fucker, and if you don't fucking shut your stupid fucking face I'm going to kick you so hard in your fucking ugly groin you'll be gargling your testicles for weeks.

Anon sorely tested comic.

>Rik Mayall at one of the Bottom Live shows: "I don't come round to where you work and laugh at you."
>
>Billy Connolly said something similar but instead of "where you work" it was "where you sweep up."

Mindless pedantry: Billy Connolly's line was "I don't come to your work and tell you how to sweep up".

On Billy and Albert I think.

>Mindless pedantry: Billy Connolly's line was "I don't come to your work and tell you how to sweep up".

Yes, that's right. I was paraphrasing badly.

>On Billy and Albert I think.

I've got in on Riotous Assembley.