Bernard Cribbins. "Right Said Fred".
From which the band got their name.
Moving a piano (though you never quite knew that from the lyrics).
"Right" said Fred,
"Both of us together,"
One each end
And steady as we go (eurgh-heurgh).
Tried to shift it,
Couldn't even lift it,
We was gettin' nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and
"Right" said Fred,
"Give a shout to Charlie,"
Up comes Charlie
From the floor below...
After straining,
Heaving and complaining,
We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and
Charlie had a think
And he thought we ought
To take off all the handles
And the things what held the candles,
But it did no good,
Well I never thought it would.
Oh, "Right" said Fred,
"Have to take the feet off,
To get them feet off
Wouldn't take a mo...
Took its feet off,
Even took the seat off,
Should have got us somewhere, but no,
So Fred said
"Let's have another cuppa tea"
And we said "Righto."
Oh, "Right" said Fred,
Have to take the door off,
Need more space
To shift the so-and-so...
Had bad twinges
Taking off the hinges,
And it got us nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and
"Right" said Fred,
Have to take the wall down,
That there wall
Is gonna have to go...
Took the wall down,
Even with it all down
We was getting nowhere
And so we had a cuppa tea and
Charlie had a think
And he said "Look, Fred,
I've got a sort of feeling,
If we remove the ceiling,
With a rope or two
We could drop the blighter through."
Oh, "Right" said Fred,
Climbing up a ladder,
With his crowbar
Gave a mighty blow...
Was he in trouble,
Half a ton of rubble
Landed on the top of his dome,
So Charlie and me
Had another cuppa tea
And then we went home.
[Spoken] I said to Charlie, "We'll just have to leave it standing on the landing, that's all. You see, the trouble with Fred is, he's too hasty, and you never get nowhere if you're too hasty."
Actually, if you're going to learn it, you'll need to download the actual song.
Try the "tape graphic" link on this page
http://www.sneeze.dircon.co.uk/rsfr.html
And while we're about it, that record was, of course, produced by Sir George Martin, during his comedy phase (before he was kidnapped, wrapped in gaffer tape and placed in the fuel tank of a truck).
Didn't Victor Lewis Smith do a spoof on his Radio 1 show?
"...but the writers were unfunny bastards, so all they could do was end on a funny noise, like.....ccccoooooooorrrrrr!"
Are there any Bernard Cribbins compilations out on CD? I had some on tape about 20 years ago but I've lost 'em.
Victor Lewis-Smith 'Right I Said'
Right I said, it's 1962
I want to make a novelty record to play on the BBC
Cretins and thickies what live in Billericay
They will flock in droves to buy it, even though it's shit
I know the things that will appeal to the simple working classes
Sitting on their arses
I just do some funny noises for the girls and boyses
Right I said, make some easy money
Not much to laugh at in 1962
There's polio, diptheria and lots of gonnoreahrea
Pneumoconiosis and a lot of asbestosis
But there's Eric and there's Hattie while we're stringing up Hanratty
For something he didn't do
So Charlie and me went off to the lavatory to have some illegal homosexuality
'The Hole In The Ground' was better than 'Right Said Fred', but 'Winkle Picker Shoes' is better than both put together. Anyone know where the latter can be obtained on CD?