100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers Posted Thu Dec 28 21:29:10 GMT 2000 by TJ

Just wanted to add a few points to your already superb observations on the needless inclusion of this series in the "poll".

I watched "100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell" with a couple of my friends. At first we were just mildly irritated by the sneering stances, the blinkered political correctness, and the highly suspect nature of the 'results'. However, the moment when Animal Kwackers was featured was the moment when we all developed genuine violent intentions towards the people behind this sorry piece of television. All of the people present who were old enough to remember Animal Kwackers also remembered that they quite liked it. In fact I, as a four-year-old (and I have no shame about admitting this), once asked my Dad to make me a carboard guitar so that I could pretend to be the guitar-strumming tiger. There was, in the grand scheme of childrens' television, nothing remotely hellish about the series. It was, as SOTCAA rightly point out in their article, nothing more than a UK version of the Banana Splits with a glam rock tint rather than a psychedelic slant. Also - and this is an even more pertinient point - there is little difference in stylistic terms between Animal Kwackers and the sort of 'people in giant costumes' shows that are popular with everyone nowadays (Tweenies, Tellietubbies etc). Basically, its inclusion was nothing more than opportunistic pissing on a series that is remembered by the enthusiastic few rather than the ignorant masses.

This alone was enough to stir passions and tempers. Worse came, however, whem that pointless waste of space Adam/Joe (I don't know which one it was, and I don't care) likened the show to a "repressed abuse memory". One of the people watching suffered abuse as a child, and she found this remark to be genuinely upsetting. It should be pointed out that she was able to appreciate the similarly-themed material in "jam", because she felt that it had something to say, but this she felt was genuinely nasty and pointless.

But then, should we expect anything better from the Theakstonist lobby (and Adam and Joe are part of that, whether they like it or not)? The whole ethos of their irritating 'talking head' existence appears to be that you should blithely celebrate whatever you like, without actually showing it any consideration outside of merely remembering that it existed, as long as you mercilessly attack anyone who has the temerity to appreciate anything that you don't like. Entire programmes - such as this one - are built on that premise these days, but why do we have to endure it?

Weirdly enough, one of the regular Paintbox readers works in the same office as one of the former Animal Kwackers. He has been kind enough to give me some original Kwackers material, and to supply his own memories of their days as a working band (which they were). All of the musicians involved were competent and dextrous instrumentalists, were deep and passionate lovers of ska music, and were tireless in their efforts to ensure that they were providing quality entertainment for children (which apparently involved many long tours, just like a 'real' band, in those surely incredibly hot costumes). But of course, they _had_ to be rubbish, because some late twentysomething idiot 'talking heads' decided so after seeing a couple of extracts from one episode in a completely out of context scenario. These people are nasty, self-serving, self-promoting, and build their career on slighting other people's earnest efforts. We neither want nor need their opinions.

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Dr. Hackenbush on Thu Dec 28 23:23:49 GMT 2000:

Damn right.
I got the piss taken out of me recently for arguing that "Christmas Wrapping" by The Waitresses was a better Xmas single than that one by Slade.
The apparent reasoning being that actually liking a single because it was well-written and had a nice tune was weird and freakish ("he probably thinks he's being funny" was one comment made sotto voce) whereas ironically "liking" Slade was alright, because everyone else does.
It's not like it's some bizarre avant-garde choice - I mean, it's on a lot of Xmas compilation albums.
Oh well.

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By 'Al' on Thu Dec 28 23:43:52 GMT 2000:

No piss taking from me - you're absolutely right. Best three Christmas songs ever are Christmas Wrapping by the Waitresses, I Was Born On Christmas Day by St Etienne and Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) by Darlene Love. IMHO, natch.

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By george on Fri Dec 29 00:19:04 GMT 2000:

Going back to 100 moments...

I'll tape 100 moments.... next time so that I can get that exact quote from Paul Ross about 3-2-1 was Spanish, therefore all Spanish TV is crap, which has been annoying me since it was spitted from his gob.

Sorry to repeat myself over this, but it doesn't make sense. 3-2-1 isn't even the EXACT same show as transmitted in Spain, but a UK version (see: Wheel of Fortune (USA)& Countdown (France)), both popular and still running). But we never get any depth to the debate by saying WHY it's wrong to copy formats, because if Mr Ross thought about it, then he'd realise what a prat he is, and how his argument is a sheet of typed paper in front of his nose.

Furthermore, I also recall that the show (3-2-1) was popular for it's time - prime-time Saturday entertainment - now everyone is supposed to sneer at it, because the pre-packed, half-baked, oven-ready opinions of a twat in a tie.

Also, before anyone says it, quiz show contestants today are just as dumb as in the late 1970's/early 80's, (see: Private Eye - Dumb Britain), but of course, it falls back to the we're too clever to make the same mistake attitude - that's why we have multiple choice (WWTBAM) rather than trying to work out the answers ourselves. Still, Ted Rodgers - what an easy target eh? Not his fault about the convoluted clues, but hey, we need someone to blame, and can't be arsed to watch some full shows, or research the production credits......

...Oh, hang on, I've just been informed that 3-2-1 is not TRENDY nostalgia. Ah, yes, it doesn't matter how people actually remember things (i.e.; evidence, the facts), it's how they're SUPPOSED to recall the past.

Please add Paul Ross to the list of people who need their legs broken. Thank you.

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Justin on Fri Dec 29 14:17:14 GMT 2000:

Or was it just....gasp...lazy research creeping in? I don't know to what extent Tyne Tees (who made 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell) is still linked to Yorkshire TV, but it did seem to me that an awful lot of clips (11%!) came from programmes made between these ITV companies...

Specifically:
Play Guitar With Ulf Goran (YTV, 1974-79)
Indoor League (YTV, early 70s)
Animal Kwackers (YTV, 1975)
Countdown (YTV, never transmitted but late 80s)
The Tube (Tyne Tees, 1986)
Check It Out (Tyne Tees, never transmitted, 1980)
Junior Showtime (YTV, 70s)
The White Room (Initial, but made in Newcastle, I think I'm right in saying, 1996)
James Whale (YTV, 1990)
3-2-1 (YTV, 1978-87)
Calendar Goes Pop! (or whatever that Madeley/Shakin Stevens thing was called, YTV, early 80s).

Why go round the country or the world looking for genuine horrors when there are some cheap old-looking programme clips in a box just down the corridor?

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Simon Harries on Tue Jan 2 02:00:00 GMT 2001:

>Why go round the country or the world looking for genuine horrors when there are some cheap old-looking programme clips in a box just down the corridor?

Why indeed, much better to go rooting through boxes down the corridor - I'm often to be found doing that, and my video collection has increased exponentially....

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By 'Stuart O' on Tue Jan 2 10:44:46 GMT 2001:

>I'll tape 100 moments.... next time so that I can get that exact quote from Paul Ross about 3-2-1 was Spanish, therefore all Spanish TV is crap, which has been annoying me since it was spitted from his gob.

Yes, that was a good one, something like "any TV program taken from Europe is always going to be rubbish." Feel free to remind me of the exact quote if you have it.

He also slated Mind Your Language later on by saying it represented "all French people are women and are beautiful", which I think tells us more about Paul Ross's prejudices than Vince Powell's.

Other great quotes (aha, I have a list):

"People watched Crossroads just because they couldn't believe how bad it was" - can't remember who said this, but it was later pointed out that ratings peaked at 17 million.

Keep fit shows - La Ball introduced this as "a begrudging tribute", which was nice of her.

ZB again, just before the Sale Of The Century piece, saying how great old TV was, and then how crap it was, in one breath. If anyone understands what she said, let me know.

Stuart Maconie dissing DIY shows for being "grimly functional...in these days of rag-rolling and stippling". Yeah, those are the important things in DIY, not like actually being able to make and fix things, when's that ever going to come in useful?

Blue Peter Garden - the caption reading "Percy Thrower was furious" set new standards for obviosity.

Driving School - I may have misunderstood this one, but Big Arabella appears to say that reality shows "shouldn't be allowed" before showing her plebby credentials by basically saying she'd watch any reality show that came on.

Dubbed TV - "it was so unconvincing" says The Mac....does he expect perfect lip-synching? I'm not sure.

John Redwood sings - no quote here, but I should point out that this was only broadcast after the event, and is therefore not hellish TV, but hellish real life.

Finally, though, I feel I must end with a quote from one of the shows themselves - Indoor League Women's Darts to be precise.....



"Any man would be proud to have her...as a partner...or a wife."



Alan Partridge would be proud.

Subject: Re: Animal Kwackers: TJ [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Steve Berry on Tue Jan 2 14:44:07 GMT 2001:

As someone who has worked on a clip-gathering show (no, I'm not telling you which one), I should perhaps point out that lazy researcher scum do sometimes look up old shows purely because they want to see them again, not because they particularly want to have them denigrated by Adam & Joe. So, that, in combination with Justin's "found a box of tapes" theory (I once found a box of old CBBC tapes in an abandoned office at TV Centre, so there ya go), could explain why Animal Kwackers made it on the show.

From a personal point of view, I remember AK purely as a slightly scary sequence of images (mainly from the animated titles), and actually shivered when they brought up Rory on the 98 moments show.

TJ: any chance of your inherited AK material making it onto a web site in the near future? I, for one, would be very interested.

Cheerio

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By TJ on Tue Jan 2 18:50:20 GMT 2001:

Steve - get in touch via my site, and I'll tell you all about the stuff...

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Simon Harries on Tue Jan 2 20:43:05 GMT 2001:

>Steve - get in touch via my site, and I'll tell you all about the stuff...

TJ (and Steve) please would you get in touch with me, as I've lost your email address! Cheers - simon_harries@hotmail.com


Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By TJ on Wed Jan 3 19:50:05 GMT 2001:

That would be:

http://www.bluejam20.freeserve.co.uk/

Subject: Re: 100 Greatest TV Moments From Hell: Animal Kwackers [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Simon Harries on Fri Jan 5 13:28:23 GMT 2001:

>That would be:
>
>http://www.bluejam20.freeserve.co.uk/

Cheers!

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