"Do you speak English?" "Well what country do you think this is?"

"It's because I'm gay... I'm gay... I'm gay..."

"Mud the far kas."

"9.02. BASTARD!"

"On any other day that might seem strange..."

"Do these blow up into funny shapes at all?" "No. Not unless round is funny."

"You don't think you could just give him a bell then?"

Any chance of telling us what these quotes come from?

>"Do these blow up into funny shapes at all?" "No. Not unless round is funny."

That one is the best.

I almost shouldn't do this...the point is to prove that context is everything. But...just to show you that I'm not making these quotes up:

>"It's pronounced learned."
The Simpsons

>"There's jam in the bath!"
Black Books

>"Those humpty-dumpty hooligans The Marx Brothers."
Intro to Marx Bros album of radio show highlights (heard on Danny Baker's R5 show about eight years ago)

>"#Believe it or not, George isn't at home, just leave a message..."
Seinfeld

>"She's my second wife. My first wife drowned in a mixed salad in 1978."
Fry & Laurie

>"Mr. Lizard."
Blue Jam (or jam)

>"Yes - they sent me here."/"*Did* they?"
Bookshop sketch from Monty Python (can't remember which album now)

>"Eternity with Beelzebub and all his hellish instruments of death will be a picnic compared to five minutes with me...and this pencil..."
Blackadder The Third
>
>"...the woman in the charity shop on Balham High Road who's got a face like Jools Holland."
Peter Baynham on Lee & Herring on R1 in 1995 (followed by Stewart Lee laughing in disbelief and Richard Herring mumbling "She does exist".)(This might be my favourite out of this list.)

>"Fat use!"
Brass Eye - the Cowsick report.

Are "non-sequiteurs" a cross between non-sequiturs (a surprising deviation in content) and secateurs (sharp scissors used to prune roses)?
It's just a lovely image...

"The Osmonds, of course, were morons"

"That thing you do with your hands? Very bad."

It's got to be the UFO picking up Brian after he fell of the tower in Monty Python's Life Of Brian for me. Just think - what if aliens could've rescued Del-boy?

>"That thing you do with your hands? Very bad."

Where's this from again?

Goodness Gracious Me (1st series)

Oh yeah. "Man, pug, pug, man."

Aliens rescuing Del Boy?


What a concept!

Surrounded by screaming sick children, Kevin Greening farts like a sax and laughs as the air fills with chemotherapy wigs and bald little heads

"Ooh, what an unbelievably dull radio experience that's gonna be."

"He's been abducted by a crocodile or something"

"one minute they're having a cup of tea, the next minute they're fiddling with the brightness knob on your telly!" (Or along those lines)

"personally I think it's being synonimous with the world's least favourite vegetable that leads Brussels to wreak vengence on other foods..."

"Special velvet fox plinth"

"Yeah. This marble is as slippery as... this marble."

Fly, you beauty birds!

... as does a crescent moon.

"Say you can't take the coin because it's got a Harris on it..."

"Point at the Harris..."

My own strangled peanut of a voice.

"Two days later he found me, and pulped me with a griddle."

"We are portraying biggoted ducks!"

"The only reason to ever climb a mountain or cross the north pole is if you are being chased by a great big scary monster."

"could you leave me alone now, please?"

"ee, there's been a lot of twins born lately."

"churches, churches, churches."

"shiiiiinnnyyyyyy!!!!"

"do take a seat. sorry it's on fire." (my favourite.)

"i'm building a boat." (graham chapman, in bed with his newly married daughter and son-in-law, when being asked what the banging and scraping noise is.)

"yesterday was my birthday. i won't tell you which, because i hate you."

"mint?"

j xxx

"Shut up, Rik. No-one's on fire."

"You know those J cloths? They were going to call them the "U-Wipe" before I intervened."

RHC is evidently listening to a lot of Sean Lock, though I don't recognise *all* of the quotes...

"We are portraying biggoted ducks!"
"Ooh, what an unbelievably dull radio experience that's gonna be."
>Both the Bigger Issues (see radio 4 thurs 11pm)
"He's been abducted by a crocodile or something"
>spaced (Simon pegg)
"one minute they're having a cup of tea, the next minute they're fiddling with the brightness knob on your telly!" (Or along those lines)
>Sean Lock (who else?)
"personally I think it's being synonimous with the world's least favourite vegetable that leads Brussels to wreak vengence on other foods..."
>TNS (Mitch Benn)
"Special velvet fox plinth"
>99p (Simon Pegg)

"BURMA!"
"Why did you say 'Burma'?"
"I panicked."

oh, intercourse the penguin!

INTERCOURSE THE PENGUIN
(BBC1 1.35pm)
This week Intercourse the penguin finds a boat and does a special squeak.

"come and warm yourselves in the warming, glowing, warming glowing glow..."

"You're all a load of useless bloody loonies!" "Ah yes. That was it."

"Synchronised Cocks!"

SCOTSMAN: Well that's all very interesting, because now I am made entirely of tin...

May I correct you, Al? It was actually:

"You're all a load of useless bloody cretins!" "Ah yes. That was it."

It was looneys in both the radio and tv versions, can't remember about the book, but I prefer looneys.

What was this from?

Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy.

On board the Golgafrinchan ark, just after it is revealed that the crew cannot control the direction, just before it crashes on the Earth.

Episode 6 of the original series. Also, last few chapters of the 2nd book ("Restaurant At The End Of The Universe").

Even *I* knew that.

Sorry Jon - checked the radio scripts and it is indeed:

FORD You're a load of useless bloody loonies.
CAPTAIN Ah yes, that was it.

Perhaps we should start a forum for people like you, Al... oh we've already done that!

I love that bit of HHGTG. I listened to tapes of the radio series for years as a small kid and never realised what was going on (that the A and C Arks had never been launched) and it only dawned on me when I was about 10 that the B Ark was the only one. I laughed for about two days and never took hairdressers seriously ever again.

Am I right in thinking that this Douglas Adams B-Ark sequence is recycled from either unused Chapman or Dr Who stuff? It's not Out Of The Trees, is it? We're not risking the wrath of Yoakum by discussing it, are we?

It's from the unfilmed 'It's The Ringo Starr Show' script. It was reprinted in the OJRIL book and has a horrible copyright notice on the inside cover crediting all B-Ark sequences to Douglas Adams. Pah! He won't admit Graham Chapman invented the phrase '42' either.

maybe because he didn't?

To a work colleague some time ago while he was working in Sainsbury's stacking courgettes:

"You smell of poppers and you're giving me the horn."

>To a work colleague some time ago while he was working in Sainsbury's stacking courgettes:
>
>"You smell of poppers and you're giving me the horn."

"... and you're giving me the FACKING horn."

My sister, after learning carrots were orginally purple:

"If they were originally purple why were they called oranges...?"

Nutcase, I must be adopted.

>He won't admit Graham Chapman invented the phrase '42' either.

What did people used to count to after 41 then?

they used to say "I will not question my faith and God is the only answer"
but that was just silly...

"I worry that the tiny people living in my socks will try to escape"

>My sister, after learning carrots were orginally purple

You have a sister?

Why is that a surprise considerinmg most families have 2.4 kids?

"I'd like to see every endangered species wiped off the fucking face of the Earth."

"Nipples."
[Rob Lovatt or me, in squeaky helium voice]

"You are Edmund Hillary, and I claim my five pounds."
[I really have no idea, i just like this one]

"Well, I think so brain, but if they were called sad meals, kids wouldn't buy them!"
[Pinky & The Brain]


"...crippled with hammers and entombed alive..."
[That Amiga-y Power-y thing]


"My cat keeps bringing home dead wildlife.
Came down yesterday morning and there was a dead cow in my front room. "
[Coyote, in the cakeshop, march '00. reprinted without permission but with a bloody great big kiss on the smackers.]

"In last week's show. Lee Mack suggested that David Copperfield was a smarmy fucking twat. Well done, Lee."
[Channel 4 Announcer]

"Ozone Hole Bondo - 144 12 oz. Tubes. Use sparingly. Keep out of reach of children, animals, and government officials."
[warehouse 23 basement - http://www.warehouse23.com/basement/ if you want to get your own]

Pinky and The Brain have to be the best kids cartoon, self mocking, loathing, deprecating things I have ever seen!
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?"
"I think so Brain, but this time you can wear the tutu!"

They ain't so much a kid's cartoon, nor animaniacs. Later series' have a problem with having to play to the LCD (i.e. the burbling 5 year old or possibly the 23-year-old-student being "ironic") and thus losing some of the pithy comments.

"I advised Nixon to go for the sweaty vote..." - no kid's gonna get that. Parents will, if you're lucky.