And I'm Jon.

No you're not. Jon has a red-name...

They took it off me!

And then Rob played the nasty trick of making quotes appear around my name, even though I sign with my password, the same one that still works in the L&H guestbook. Still no explanation...

I am Jake. Heavily biased towards Jon Holmes and Andy Hurst, being as I do thier website (http://www.poorquality.co.uk).
I read more than I contribute. Like a leech. A bit.
19.
Student avoiding work.

And I can't spell 'their'.

I'm Mitch Benn. Stand-up & comic songwriter. If I win I want to travel the world and help people less tall than myself.

My name is Bean Is A Carrot. I am in fact not a carrot, or a vegetable, although I am a bean.
I grew up in Australia and am therefore qualified to discuss British comedy often and at great length.
My favourite thing about the TV Forum is the fact that it makes me look busy at work.

Prisoner #93A234 Simon Adebisi

Convicted May 2, 1993

Murder In The First Degree

Sentence: Life Imprisonment Without The Possibility Of Parole

But I'm a nice guy.

No you aint, you killed Nappa!

Patience Kenny.

I have a plan...

I am Irritating Heater Kid.

*I'm 15
*I'm revising for my mocks
*I post on all the threads even whether I have something interesting to say or not.
*I tape every comedy show on TV
*I listen to the radio a lot
*But I still don't know who Barry Cryer is.

Gotta go. My parents are calling me down to have tea with my Gran. Pff. Grandparents. Anyone else on this forum got grandparents?

Back in 20 with a shiny new 50p piece.

My name isn't Aslef Napkyn, I live in Essex and my interests include animal strangling, golf and masturbation (I realise that golf isn't very popular). I also like the telly.

I call myself Squidy cos I am a man of mystery. And cos I couldn't spell Squidgy. Or Squiggy. Or Because.

I like Monty Python, Chris Morris, Guest House Paradiso, and long walks in the country. Non-smoker prefered, no time-wasters please.

Nev Fountain, 31, writer, mainly with Tom Jamieson.

Current Radio: Dead Ringers, News Quiz, Loose ends, Dr Who.

Current TV: 11'O Clock show, Alistair's Big Impression, Jon Culshaw's Alter Ego.

Print: Private Eye.

This posting isn't funny. It's because i'm a comedy writer so i'm sick up to the back teeth with funny.

They call me scampi, scampi that's me, I live on a hand in the sand, by the sea.

27

27

Ewar, I have always visualised you as a bit of a goth girl. Am I correct in this assumption???

27

Mouse

probably the oldest on the forum (30-something)

I post on these forums 'cos it's a darn sight more fun than general cage and mouseling maintenance!!

I watch loadsa stuff on telly, but not a lot that I'd admit to on here....and I quite like most of it!!

TJ: I have never been so insulted. Absolutely not, no.

Good! Extremely glad to hear it!

I myself am no goth. More a cross between 1993 Damon Albarn, 1994 Chris Morris, and 1995 Tim Burgess.

I, too, am old Mouse.
I am in my Jesus year. If I get through this one without being crucified it means I am a winner. If I don't, I'm the son of God... It's a win/win situation.
I work in/for the comedy industry in Melbourne.
My role on this forum is to fight for justice for 11 O'clock Show writers (despite having never seen the show) and to constantly chastise Jon for not going out and seeing live comedy.

I am Mr Griffiths. I usually now post under a bewildering variety of pseudonyms but everyone still knows it's me cos I can't type and my stupid know-it-all opinions are normally a dead giveaway. I used to write comedy for artistic reasons, but now I do it purely for money so I can pay my phone bill after using the forum continually.

Jon doesn't watch live comedy because it's not very good.

Hello

My Name is Peter Fletcher

I am 19, and currently wasting my time doing a three year university degree with little job opportunity at the end. (Scriptwriting)

Thank You

I'm Boiler Face Brat.

I'm 15, so I miss a lot of programmes due to my 10pm bedtime. I'm an annoying little twat who thinks that Iain Lee is GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I have to go and do my homework now, bah, maths!!!!!!!!!!

I think u r all really GREAT! I hope u like me 2!!!!!!!!

I am Adam, Prince of Eternia, and defender of the secrets of Castle Grayskull.

I'm Arma. (Amy - armour - geddit?)

I'm twentish.

I've been lurking since the TV Forum had the topic list on the left (anyone remember that?)

I like television and comedy but hate identtsr..


IDETNSESSSSSS!

AET YEUR BRATS!

KILL THEME CLOWN!

I'm Spartacus.

Oops. Wrong Thread.

I'm wholely embodied by my name.

>I am Jake. Heavily biased towards Jon Holmes and Andy Hurst, being as I do thier website (http://www.poorquality.co.uk).
>I read more than I contribute. Like a leech. A bit.
>19.
>Student avoiding work.


I'm Jake Thingy, but not Jake. As proved by my having no idea who Jon Holmes and Andy Hurst are, and by my being old enough to remember Leonard Parkin announcing on the ITN Lunchtime News "and David Nixon, Britain's top TV magician, is dead".

Justin, 30, Welsh (not that you'd know from hearing my voice), bespectacled, not tall (but there the similarities with dictators throughout history end), has an obsession with old episodes of On The Hour, Seinfeld and Fist Of Fun, spends far too much of his time on this forum, wishes he wasn't doing the job he is currently doing.

Hello.

I am a nice girl, who does not like people taking the mick out of me.
My therapist says it's bad for my self image.

I am Paul Twist.

I write my name in lower-case letters for no reason. Perhaps I will stop.

I am 22 on Monday. Yes.

My job is, in theory, working on holiday brochures. In practice it is doing all the menial bollocks that no-one else wants, though I did plan the latest 8-page Shearings brochure for Scotland. Scottish readers may wish to pick it up when it is released to see my "work". It's not funny, but it's funnier than (insert name of any thrice-weekly-with-a-repeat-compilation Channel 4 topical comedy show here).

Bands I like (this week): The Get Up Kids, Ramones, Less Than Jake, Buffalo Tom, The Broadways, The Jags, Descendents, The Hippos.

TV shows I like: The Simpsons, The Critic, Futurama, TMWRNJ, Fist of Fun, Brass Eye, The Day Today, jam, Knowing Me Knowing You, Time Gentlemen Please, I'm Alan Partridge, Seinfeld, Frasier. And too many more.

More than you ever needed or wanted to know.

Yes, good point to clear up. I am not Jake Thingy. I use simply Jake. That is me.
Mmmm.

jason hazeley (real name disappointingly identical), 29, musician (ie too much time in front of television), 5'11", atheist, resident of south london, no idea how to use my password on this forum and stop inverted commas appearing around my 'name' etc.

j xxx

I be Al. I be 6 foot three. I teach English, Media and Film to indifferent 16-19 year olds. I am 30 and like sci-fi, Irn Bru, telly, films and pop. I smoke and think I should stop. But I don't. I hate 'This Life' and mindless anti-Americanism (but I am a Good European).

>I be Al. I be 6 foot three.

Wonder why the kids are so indifferent in his English lessons...

>>I be Al. I be 6 foot three.
>
>Wonder why the kids are so indifferent in his English lessons...

This was supposed to be a 'clever' reference to the track 'I Am I Be' by De La Soul off their underrated third album 'Bulhoone Mindstate' - but then I realized - no-one else bought it. And I got the reference wrong. Boh.

sorry

>sorry

No, no. My fault.

(Mental note - stop trying to be clever/stop trying to be clever/stop trying to be clever...)

Surely trying to be clever in postings is the only reason to send anything to this forum? After all, what would Jon be able to say then?

>Surely trying to be clever in postings is the only reason to send anything to this forum?

I'll be off then...

I'm Jeanette & my claims to fame are an appearance on TMWRNJ2 as QOTS & my very own signed 'moon on a stick'.

Not that I'm sad, or anything.

Call me sad [your sad - The TV Forum] but that Jeanette was QOTS on TMWRNJ really impresses me.

What did you have to do, Jeanette? What did you send in?

You didn't create 'Rotten to the Corrs' did you?

If so, you're a genius.

It wasn't as clever as that. As part of the studio audience we had to write down our reason why we should be King (or Queen) of the show & three were chosen for the vote. Mine was for the comedic doouble entendre potential of my surname - Muff - often used in different forms by L&H to good effect...

My brother (also with me in the audience) couldn't believe I'd actually been mad enough to do it, my boyfriend thought it was hilarious when he got home later & saw it on video & friends kept mentioning they'd seen me on telly. Well worth doing!

Queen Jeanette, I bow down to your comedic surname.

Well done, if that's the correct phrase to use, your Majesty.

George is my name. I am male. Thank you.

Always needing a bit of a hand.

idents and diy implements are my tools.

u wil succomb to mi evil plans.

i shall cork the gas bottol and make the clowne crie wiv teers. ha ha ha

**ErroR****IP>ident.001.707.0880*

PleAsE reStarT sYstEme.

nele morrisey|ident|viral warning|\|\|

Spend a lot of time wanking now I'm no longer on the 11 o'clock show.

Unruly Butler

Not my real name. 30. Illustrator / musician / hack writer. Always posting late at night to create the impression I live in America, when in fact it's just that I have trouble sleeping.

I like Harry Nilsson, but he never writes any more.

kiss kiss

boki, twentysomething, office pleb, Wildhearts, Aphex Twin, Bill Hicks, Chris Morris etc.

I don't hate Dennis Leary which might make me different but not in a good way probably.

I do hate pornographers not appreciating a good bush.

Programmes I most want repeated: Brass Eye, Twin Peaks, Sledghammer! (I'm very cheap sometimes)

I think that covers the usual forum angles. Oh, and

IDENTDS
DITSROYE

Stuart O, 25, still wish I had long hair for headbanging with (and I mean very long, none of your flock of seagulls bollocks). Typing this at the corner desk in the office and consequently looking very busy, but really just trying to avoid having to program a purchase ledger system for a major retail company. Don't have much time for strangling animals or golf these days, and oh there goes the goddamn phone.

"Surely trying to be clever in postings is the only reason to send anything to this forum? After all, what would Jon be able to say then?"

Er... er... you're rubbish! Oh no, it's gone, it's all over...

I am James. One of the several available Jameses, in fact. I keep thinking about changing my name, but every time I decide to do this all the other ones disappear, or the Forum gets shut down, or something. My access to networked computers is wilfully intermittent, which means I am in the habit of hanging back and saying nowt on issues which are wildly important to me.

I am a self-appointed expert on radio comedy first broadcast when I was three years old, and 'maintain' a slightly collapsoid website which has attached to it a pile of unanswered correspondence, half of it from readers of this Forum, which I am Getting Round To. I also teach the history and philosophy of science to indifferent 18-to-19-year-olds. I am an implacable opponent of the nitrokeg.

Where do you teach HPS, James? What is your specialist area of it?

And what is the nitrokeg?

Have to get back to you in a bit, Jon -- I'm actually about to go and give a class now...

Mail me on [email protected]

The nitrokeg is an evil invention by the major breweries to save them from having to make beer that tastes of anything. As a consequence, the only way you can get a decent pint is by pub-crawling in the middle of nowhere, usually referred to as "a walking holiday".

Oh dear...

REAL ALE ALERT

REAL IDENTS IDENTS IDENTS

>The nitrokeg is an evil invention by the major breweries to save them from having to make beer that tastes of anything.

Good lord -- a brother! Wonders will never cease.

I am the resurrection, I am the light.








Come to Stevenage.

I used to be Supra Gnat, but then I went to Stevenage and had an epiphany, I have now changed my name to Tele C (not the Japanese Word presenter but the presenter of the word of Barry). I also offered to pay for a night of comedy for everyone on the forum a few months ago (I'm quite rich see) but was greeted with a tsunami of apathy (except from the lovely Janet, but she's in Australia).
BTW if anyone does want to come along, I'm still going ahead with it, sometime in early December, I'll put up more info nearer the time.

I watch over you lot with a caring loving eye.

I love Boothby Graffoe, The Apples In Stereo, The Way It Is and this forum.
Quite like Jon Ottway when I'm feeling ill.

Good on you RHC. I went to Otway's gig # 2000. It was a cack.
Aha - Tele C aka Supra Gnat aka Peter J!
Damned glad to hear you're still organising the gig. Keep me informed, and I'll still try to do all I can from over here. (Got any names you can tantalise us with?)
And now that Jon has left his address carelessly lying around we'll be able to hassle him to go and see live comedy via email.
Wahhahaaaaa!

I warn you, I get a lot of crappy office humour e-mails at work and I am prepared to use them in retaliation if you hassle me. So ner.

Noooooooo!!!!!!!

[For 'Onion' readers:]

I've got 200 lawyer jokes and I'm ready to launch them. That's my deterrent.

I am 'Bean-is-a-carrots' boss (the sad state of British Industry).

Funny how there are 200 lawyer gags and only 2 engineer gags. Can't think why.

>I am 'Bean-is-a-carrots' boss (the sad state of British Industry).
>
>Funny how there are 200 lawyer gags and only 2 engineer gags. Can't think why.

It's because all engineers are HORNBAGS with massive LIVES (not penises).

I would be very worried if I developed a massive penis. So would you, my boss and my doctor.

Still - at least we could then meet up in the loos...

>My name isn't Aslef Napkyn, I live in Essex and my interests include animal strangling, golf and masturbation (I realise that golf isn't very popular). I also like the telly.

You are Martin Coxall and I claim my five pounds.

I'm Suiii, the mildly psychotic lesbian. I'm 22 years 11 months and a 2 weeks old.

I have rude thoughts about Liza Tarbuck, Jackie Woodburne, Marge Simpson and many other millions of laydees. My claim to fame is that Liza Tarbuck has possibly seen my tits!

I have 3 stalkers, but they mean no harm, and I'm quite fond of them!

One v bored continuity announcer

GreySurferCoughHard

81 years of age.

Retired ex-policeman, 37 years on the farce.

Likes: Porn. Sam Fox. The Corrs. Lulu. Jim Davidson. Jimmy Jones. Coronation Street. Spying on lovers. Nature programmes. Channel 5. Pocket billiards. Butter. Anderson Shelters. Flak. The tops of buses. Shopping and kinky sex.

Dislikes: Neighbours (the people I live next door to, not those Aussie fuckers). I don't like people who drop litter or people who play loud rock music like Steps and Robbie Williams (they haven't got any tunes). I really hate people who talk about the weather or about themselves or their families or about fishing or politics. Over all though I consider myself a good natured soul who's out for a good time and I don't care who gets hurt in the process.

Am 'Chloe', 30 - work for global multinational (the type the eco-warrior types are proteting against). My work involved the company sucking the life blood out of me ... so - lack of sleep, losing all friends, and sacrificing life/love/children was obviously a good choice........
..........
.......
....wasn't it?..... OK - please, don't answer that.

Phil, 18. Spending too much time indoors. Wannabe-writer, muso, and all-round annoyance. Must find job before his parents throw him out.

Likes: Crusty bread, Bowie, The Prisoner, Suede, Eraserhead, Alyson Hannigan, John Peel, Smallfilms, Strangelove, Henry's Cat.

Unlikes: Ricky Gervais(and all his kind), radio playlists, Q magazine, people who arrange all their favourite things into lists to try and look credible.

RapH - an ill-informed, often absent contributor, whose participation appears to depend upon the amount of 5p's left in his pub-fund piggy bank. Currently awaiting fresh delivery of said coins. Doesn't talk about himself much so tends to use the third person (he's just discovered).

Works in a shop (lazily), tries to write (with others, approving noises but little published yet), 28 (immature). Bit of a Dick Fiddy. London. Comedy good, Kilroy bad. Untidy. Not had a holiday for ten years. Tries to persuade all musician friends to call their bands 'Meaker' after the late Edward Brayshaw's role in 'Rentaghost'.

Happy now?

Chloe - did you really sacrifice your children? What sort of people do you work for, to make you do that?

TJ - twentysomething, writing, radio presentation, web design, Brass Eye, Blue Jam, Nick Drake, Scott Walker, XTC, Python, Syd Barrett, Gail Porter, Mel B, Ailie, Suiii, Liza Tarbuck, On The Hour, Fist Of Fun, Fingerbobs, Ladytron, Clinic, Breakfast At Tiffany's, The Wicker Man, Spinal Tap, garage psych, UK psych, Blur, TMWRNJ, The Day Today, hating low standards in entertainment, evil psychotic ex girlfriend...

>I am the resurrection, I am the light.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>Come to Stevenage.

I have. Those lights at the Lister Hospital resuscitation room are very bright aren't they?

Billy Hicks.

>>I am the resurrection, I am the light.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>Come to Stevenage.
>
>I have. Those lights at the Lister Hospital resuscitation room are very bright aren't they?

nay lad, that's the mental health unit you can see..............

>Chloe - did you really sacrifice your children? What sort of people do you work for, to make you do that?

I'm a poor character on the real life set of 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang', with an extremely evil and violent slat to the interpretation. The Child Catcher is my boss.

>I'm a poor character on the real life set of 'Chitty Chitty Bang Bang', with an extremely evil and violent slat to the interpretation. The Child Catcher is my boss.
>
Obviously I meant to say slant not slat. This Forum needs spell check - I type too fast.

So far we are all each other.

So alike. So alike.

I love you all, and I appear to be TJ.

>So far we are all each other.
>
>So alike. So alike.
>
>I love you all, and I appear to be TJ.

OK, this is weird. First it is widely established that Justin, Jason and I are virtually the same person, then allusions are made between our collective attitude and interests and those of The Corpses, and now Unruly has joined the fold too...!

No wonder I'm usually bemused by life.

is it me? am i part of the same person as justin and tj and unruly butler. i know butler and i have much in common. he drove me to lakeside once, and we bonded on our near-motorway-human-flesh-pizza experience.

someone'll be along in a moment with the trolley.

j xxx

>TJ - ... evil psychotic ex girlfriend...

Tell us more.

hazeley, would you please, after all these years, explain what each of the lanes on a motorway is for?
am I right in thinking the outside one is for receiving FM, the hard shoulder for AM?

>>TJ - ... evil psychotic ex girlfriend...
>


I can't. Too wounding. She hated Blue Jam, that says it all as far as I'm concerned.

>>>TJ - ... evil psychotic ex girlfriend...
>>
>
>
>I can't. Too wounding. She hated Blue Jam, that says it all as far as I'm concerned.

I take it there was more to it than this. It sounds a tad harsh otherwise... (I'm not that keen on Blue Jam myself.)

(Then again, I'm not going out with you.)

(But then again - what if Ailie didn't like it?)

Well, there was much more to it than that, obviously. But I'm a very private person and don't wish to discuss it.

>Well, there was much more to it than that, obviously. But I'm a very private person and don't wish to discuss it.

Fair enough. Consider it not discussed...

Al, if if you search hard enough on the net I'm sure there's a psychotic ex-girlfriends forum where TJ's unhinged squeeze is telling all...

I'll go and look for some of mine on there later...

tj - good lad for making her an ex, i say. i had a neurotransmissionally challenged psychotic paranoic ginger girlfiend who didn't UNDERSTAND blazing saddles. i thought such an approach was impossible.

j xxx

subbes: official johnny-come-lately.

Occasionally goth. mostly cool.

I rock, and you'd better not forget it.