BBC Schedule: Plan A Posted Tue Oct 10 22:05:28 BST 2000 by Justin

Really! This is what's going to happen!:

MEMO, 10 October 2000
To all programme makers, Television Centre, W12 7RJ:

THE BBC SCHEDULES: WHAT IS TO COME:

Week 1: 16 October 2000
BBC1 News moves forward an hour to 10pm! One Foot IN the Grave begins its sixth and final series! The Royle Family begins its third, no doubt award-winning, run! Men In Black and First Wives Club given their terrestrial premieres. Have I Got News For You transfers from BBC2 in time for its 20th season! Robert Winston's Superhuman series offered prime slot of 9.10pm on Sundays. Plus loads of other great shows! Probably.

Week 2: 23 October 2000
EastEnders awarded a regular fourth weekly episode. Problem Child 2 given prime-time screening on Sunday night. Superhuman moved to 9.45 following disappointing ratings against ITV. All Christmas Specials to be screened early in desperation for healthy viewing figures.

Week 3: 30 October 2000
TOTP 5 begins daily run on BBC2. Jeremy Bowen's hilarious warm-up for the BBC News at 10 is transmitted in all its horrifying glory. Nightly coverage of live circuit training begins from large gym in Acton. Weakest Link Omnibus begins.

Week 4: 6 November 2000
Children's BBC extended so that it now finishes at 8pm - but it's still for all the family. For instance, on Thursday 9th at 7.40, a repeat of Fiddly Foodle Bird will be interrupted by the Newsroom South East headlines, and a badly-realised graph of the Dow Jones index. Problem Child 3 transmitted frame by frame. In primetime.

Week 5: 13 November 2000
BBC1 begins showing digitally-remastered run of Only Fools And Horses, plus widescreen version of Dad's Army. EastEnders awarded eighth weekly episode. Superhuman moved to 10.50pm after a huge viewer reaction (Night not specified).

Week 6: 20 November 2000
EastEnders awarded *another* eighth weekly episode. Revival of Juliet Bravo begins on Saturdays starring Martine McCutcheon. Jim Davidson given the keys to Television Centre. Second series of Hale & Pace's variety series creeps into a 6.45pm slot on Saturdays.

Week 7: 27 November 2000
Red Hot Dutch premieres on Wednesday 29th at 9pm. Longer With Jools Holland helpfully fills Sunday afternoon.

Week 8: 4 December 2000
New spin-off from Casualty and Holby City is Holby Canteen, documenting the exciting and unrealistically lengthy lunches of all the regular staff. A gaping hole at 9.35 on Tuesdays unwittingly causes repeats of Larry Sanders and Seinfeld to be shown accidentally. BBC2 extends Learning Zone back in the evening, so that it kicks off after Star Trek; Deep Space Nine. BBC1 accidentally leaves The Royle Family on the tube, and is furious to discover it hours later on ITV at 8.30.

Week 9: 11 December 2000
Seinfeld and Larry Sanders promptly removed when scheduling janitor discovers dusty VHS copies of award-losing 80s sitcom We Got It Made in a cupboard. Entire series transmitted in one go. EastEnders awarded 21st weekly episode. Realising they may as well not bother with factual programmes anymore, announcers will be requested to pretend there's been a temporary fault after 10 minutes of Superhuman at 12.55am.

Week 10: 18 December 2000
Search-party called out to look for Panorama, now missing for 38 days, and Robert Winston's programme which has now lost its nametag in some woods. EastEnders awarded 43rd weekly episode and 14th weekly omnibus edition. Learning Zone tapes crash, forcing BBC2 to close down at 7.30pm. Friday night at 8 awarded to the highest bidder, or Ground Force. See Hear! Lottery Special begins on Saturday nights, as does a revival of That's Life! starring Kate Thornton and Tommy Walsh. Panorama's remains are finally discovered in a forest near Uxbridge and destroyed live on camera by former Head Of News Tony Hall.

Week 11: 25 December 2000
After 64 years, one month and 24 days, BBC Television finds it has run out of material, while showing a Mickey Mouse cartoon. The screen goes blank, as we hear the sound of Lorraine Heggessey and Jane Root being shot by reasonable firing squad. In slow motion.

26th December 2000:
EastEnders awarded 128th weekly episode. An orphaned, wretched instalment of Hope And Glory found shivering with near-hypothermia on Thursdays at 9.05pm.

Subject: Re: BBC Schedule: Plan A [ Previous Message ]
Posted By 'Mouse' on Tue Oct 10 22:17:20 BST 2000:

Why thanks Justin - you've just saved me countless pennies and the radio times readership shrinks to 1

Subject: Re: BBC Schedule: Plan A [ Previous Message ]
Posted By TJ on Tue Oct 10 22:19:54 BST 2000:

Whuh???

I'm perplexed by the mention of Fiddly Foodle Bird...

Subject: Re: BBC Schedule: Plan A [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Justin on Tue Oct 10 22:23:50 BST 2000:

>Whuh???
>
>I'm perplexed by the mention of Fiddly Foodle Bird...

Poor cartoon which somehow involves the voices of both Bruce Forsyth *and* Dennis Waterman.

You don't believe me, do you TJ? I don't blame you. But it is genuine.

Subject: Re: BBC Schedule: Plan A [ Previous Message ]
Posted By TJ on Tue Oct 10 22:53:56 BST 2000:

No, I know it's real.

It just hurts my brain.

Subject: Re: BBC Schedule: Plan A [ Previous Message ]
Posted By 'Squidy' on Wed Oct 11 11:19:45 BST 2000:

Cilla Black was in the last one as a mayoress.

"Fiddly foodle, Bing bang Boodle-oo, Fiddly foodle, doodle bird.

Think big, walk tall..."

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