this is what happened


she was walking down the street when she was grabbed by two idents - i believe it was border 1975 and itv schools clock - they have kidnapped her and taken her to neil morrissey who is forcing her to be his bride

Look! I've escaped!! Nele Morisey tried to make me kiss him *sobs* but I resisted, for the good of mankind!



P.S. Up close, Nele Morisey is really short, and warty!

\bgkjsdgsudhgisdhguiuhhiudrsarrrrrrrrrrr!

idents you shall nkot get awtay with this indinginty

idents

and nele morrissey will be punishedfa by tyhe higyherst authoiryty int he world


ian angriwere than every

gas bottle whrer are you

I think it was Gas Bottle who helped to save me. I was being held in a tall wooden building near some docks, and there was a sudden explosion. The loud noise caused Nele Morisey to soil himself, and he had to phone his mum and get her to bring him more pants. While he was changing I used his voluminous trousers to parachute to safety!

Oh yeah, and it was the old YTV ident, and the new Tyne Tees ident that captured me in the first place.

>Oh yeah, and it was the old YTV ident, and the new Tyne Tees ident that captured me in the first place.

You see, those circles on the new TTTV idents are really lesbian lassoes.
The idents are winning.

CLOINFD I AM VERY MUCJH HERE

THOUGH I AM VERY CONCERNED TO HEAR THESE THINGS.WE MUST NOT LET THE IDENTS WIN.
AS FOR NELE MORISEY SOILING HIMSELF WELL THAT DOES NOT SURPRISE ME IN THE LEAST.
HE IS EVIL TO THE EXTEME OF TOTAL MOLE CAPACITY AND I WAS IN FACT RESOPSIBLE FOR THISD.
WATCH OUT FOR TYNE TEES IDENT FROM THE 1980`S THIS IS A PARTICUALLY NASTY CHARASCTOR DO NOT LET HIM TEAM UOP WITH NELE OR WE ARE ALL IN VERY BIG TROUBLE.

I

AM

WATCHING

DEVELOPMENTS

CLOSELY

BIG BLUE EVIL FLAME SEDNDS REDPECT.

rb iodents will never have the upper hanmd

you are wfong

may nele morrissey claimer you as his only son

What fun! Dear old Clown! Funny old Gas Bottle! I love you both.

LOOK!!

http://nele-morisey.tvheaven.com/

AAAARGH!

THIS IS WORRYING

HE IS PICURED WIYTH IDEASNT

IDEANTS

HE IS EVIL

WE MUST STICK TOGETHRE ON THIS ONE

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr iam not happy by this


he will not dartes go to my home on the interoiunert

my home

iit is a page in anderwe wiseman's 625 telelbisions room, where I have my own page among the idents


i am infilitaritng them from withimn

>LOOK!!
>
>http://nele-morisey.tvheaven.com/
>
>AAAARGH!

Does he have a bare chest in that picture? With a miniature ident tattoo upon it?

I can confirm, from seeing him changed his soiled duds, that he has many idents tattooed on his pimply rear end. It's a travesty.

>I can confirm, from seeing him changed his soiled duds, that he has many idents tattooed on his pimply rear end.

Does it give them an extra 3D edge?

Yep! And it means the blind can see them, as braille.

>Yep! And it means the blind can see them, as braille.

They'd have to be careful as not mistake Nele's rectum for Carlton's ident though.

Heheh, wouldn't be difficult would it, not even for a sighted person, or an animal.

>Heheh, wouldn't be difficult would it, not even for a sighted person, or an animal.

lol or even someone with a vast knowledge of the anus...

Like John!? His knowledge of such things is vast and unsurpassed!

>Like John!? His knowledge of such things is vast and unsurpassed!
>

Has he ever been tricked into watching Carlton because of the draw of the ident?

I believe he was when it switched from Westcountry to Carlton. It's a sad state of affairs. And of course now that he has relocated to Manchester he can receive Channel 5 and is, as a result, no longer able to think. Bless Him.

What did he go to Manchester in search of?

An 'education'. He is now studying 'NooMeeja' or somesuch.

Will he ever return?

I hope so, the children are missing their daddy terribly.





















*hysterical*

John! is in Manchester?
But that is my abode.
We have probably trolled past each other dozens of times on Canal Street.
That's kinda spooky.
Suiii, hinny, tell him to look out for the tall, good-looking one with the gym-toned bod.

He is indeed there, plying his trade in the sordid dens of Canal Street! I shall send him a text message immediately- "JOHN-LOOK 4 RB FROM TVF. HE IS SXY AND TONED. C U L8R"
Heheheh!

Is John! the one with two pairs of socks inside his underpants?

*rofl* Heheheh, at least 3 I would think!

Ah! The Joy of Socks.

Probably explains his foot fetish.

>Ah! The Joy of Socks.
>
>Probably explains his foot fetish.

Why does he put socks that are being worn down his underpants?

*snort*

Actually.....he couldn't fit any of his socks in his pants, because his feet (and hands too!) are enormous! When he was staying at Casa Suiii he took great pleasure in mocking my tiny monkey hands. He is not unlike 'Thorpedo' the Aussie swimmer.

>>Ah! The Joy of Socks.
>>
>>Probably explains his foot fetish.
>
>Why does he put socks that are being worn down his underpants?

He's a contortionist. If I could do what he can do, I'd never leave the house.

lol!

When he's out of socks does an odour eater suffice?

Run out of socks?

He has thousands of angora rabbits on steroids growing hair at phenomenal rates just to grow the wool to make his socks.

And you know what they say:

Big Feet


















Big socks.

Really? I thought it went:

Big feet...

















Big smell

Enough of this dilly-dallying.
Suiii, has John! got a big prick?

Actually, it's big feet



































big head

>Enough of this dilly-dallying.
>Suiii, has John! got a big prick?


*splutter* Excuuuuuse me! I'm a self respecting lesbotron! (that fact that we shared a bed for 4 weeks is irrelevant *lol*)
But if you must know, apparently it's quite splendid!! (He could have been lying though!)

I'll never understand you lesbotrons.
Why didn't you take a sneaky peaky?
You might be friends now, but a snide comment about an unsightly mole on his scrotum (for example) could have proved valuable amunition in the event of you falling out.

KNOWLEDGE IS POWER!

I'm so nasty, sometimes it hurts.

I shall be in Via Fossa tonight. I'll wear my ridiculously large Sideshow Bob-style pointy shoes. I'm sure John! will be wearing something similar.

Ewww I could never look, I bet it's all green and mouldy! Anyway, we can't ever fall out as I own his soul, see! I captured his soul in a photograph and it's mine forever now, he'll never be free MUHHAHAHHAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!

Oh, I love the sound of a lesbian cackling.
Cackle some more.

And mouldy eh? I think I might have seen part of him then at the GUM clinic. You'd think they'd be a bit more thorough with the Hoover.

Oh, how odd.

Yet strangely compelling.

Via Fossa is now closed for a few weeks, which isn't the best of news.

Hello, by the way!

JOOOOOOOOOOOOHN!!!!

*jumps up and down*

The kids are missing their daddy, and the neighbours are starting to talk!

And especially for the lovely RB-Muuuuuhhhhhhhaaaaaaaahahahhhhhhaaaaaaaaah!!

Heehee!

>Via Fossa is now closed for a few weeks, which isn't the best of news.
>
>Hello, by the way!

Helloooo!
Yes, I bloody found out last night. I did know, but I've been in Why-Aye Land (the North East) for the last couple of weekends and it slipped my mind.

Went to the Rem instead, and upped my cruise-ability factor about 10-fold. Memo to self: I must go there more often.

And, Suiii, thanks for that cackle.

Bleurgh, you don't want to go to the North East, it's horrible.

Stay in Manchester, if only for Gordon Burns' sake.

I'm in Canal Street tonight. I haven't really been to many of the bars there. But the ones I have been to are lovely!

Foop!

>Bleurgh, you don't want to go to the North East, it's horrible.

I'd like to shake you by the hand, young man!
I know the beautiful Suiii is an inhabitant, but it's a pile of shite, isn't it?
Suiii and I had a lovely chat while you were away about the Metro system, Heworth and Memorial stations.

Boyfy's from thereabouts. Natch he's normally in Manchester, but mother's birthday and things like that happened. And if you think Newcastle is bad, you should try Middlesbrough. Ugh!

>
>I'm in Canal Street tonight. I haven't really been to many of the bars there. But the ones I have been to are lovely!
>
I shall be there too. We shall almost certainly shake our tushes next to each other and never know. I shall keep me eyes peeled for someone with unfeasibly large hands and feet.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH MIDDLESBOROUGH
THE HORROR!!
*drops dead*

You talked about the Metro system and Heworth? That must have been really fascinating! I'm sorry to have missed it.

I'm not sure which bars we'll be in tonight...but hey, I might just stand outside Via Fossa and bang on the doors demanding to be let in.

>You talked about the Metro system and Heworth? That must have been really fascinating! I'm sorry to have missed it.


Oi! It was fascinating! Stephen Spielberg has bought the rights from us for $5 Billion, richer than we could ever imagine! You'll just have to sit in envy while RB and my bad self swan around bedecked in jewels, and adored by all!
































If you're good, I may buy you a new fascia for your mobile phone with my riches!

As soon as Mr Spielberg's cheque comes, I'm going to buy a new ruler.
Took my old one out on Friday night looking for those unfeasibly large feet.
Every time I got it out to measure a likely candidate, they got the wrong idea.
For the first time ever, I heard myself say: �No, no pull those flies up. It's your feet I'm interested in.�
Anyway, things got ugly and I ended up at the Manchester Royal Infirmary with the ruler up my bottom.
Imagine my surprise when they found a set square up there, too.

Well, the ruler up my bottom is staying put.

We went to Manto, then The Thompson's Arms, then New York, New York (which I expected to be a whole lot more impressive than it actually was - less New York, more...York).

After that, I ended up in a bedroom with two men.

Didn't do anything though.

I was in the Thompson's, but quite early (10ish). I rarely go there.
I was just a tad drunk.
As a result, I did not go disco dancing.

New York, New York. Interesting choice . . .

My centre of gravity has disappeared since Vera's shut. I'm hoping to get tickets to its reopening.

Went to Manto on Saturday lunchtime. Boyfy managed to get his chairleg all the way through a tiny chairleg-diameter-sized hole in the floor, thus catapulting him arse over elbow on to the floor.

Oh, how I laughed.

But the staff were good. When they stopped laughing they gave us free chips and free drinks. And they wrote it in the accident book. It was only then that Boyfy realised he'd once sacked the woman dealing with us. Yikes!

We were in The Thompson's at about 10ish on Friday too. I was also quite drunk, but not as drunk as I was on Saturday night. Oh, how we stumbled and giggled. Trying to climb the stairs to our flat was a mammoth task.

We also had the most fabulous meal on the Curry Mile. Yum.

>We also had the most fabulous meal on the Curry Mile. Yum.

Well, I made a lovely chicken and bacon lasagne. I started it at about 5.15pm and we only sat down to eat at 8pm. That's some preparation, I can tell you.

Aaaargh! This thread is in great danger of slipping into banality.

Nah, s'nice.

Can I taste your bacon?

FILTHY BASTARD!

Hellooooo? Anyone??? Looooooooooonely and boooored!

This is more like it.

My bacon's always up for a good old chomp.

Any geometry box anal insertions, Suiii?

Oooh, Oooh, Oooh
And info on Vera's . . .

Via Fossa is opening on Thursday night (for VIPs) and Friday night (for plebs)

Naaaah, too pointy for me!
I'm embarking on a lasagne making mission shortly, takes me about 3 hours to do it properly but it's worth it! My evil parents are away, which means I can actually go downstairs! Heheheh. Soooooo lonely though! Used to spend hours on this PC talking to people, but there's never anyone around now, they've all gone and got lives behind me back! And to make things worse, I've had a booze ban slapped on me!! AAAAGH!

I do all my chattering on this forum at work.
I'm trying to cut it down. But I'm in charge today, so nobody can tell me off. Ha! Ha!

I am on the verge of buying my own PC. But it's all SOOOOO confusing. I'm not very good at making that sort of decision.

If you are thinking of buying one do not trust High Street retailers such as Comet/Dixons/Currys/Time/tiny and especially PC World, or they will do you over!!

I used to spend all my time chatting on ICQ, but there's no-one to talk to anymore!

You see. That's exactly what I don't want to hear.

I want you to say something like: It doesn't matter where you buy your computer. Every retailer is really good and every store offers not only value for money but superb after-sales service.

Yeah I know, I used to flog them so I'm well aware of the pitfalls. But really, don't trust them, they only wish to get your hard earned money out of your hands. I was a rare breed amongst PC salesblokes, I was honest, told them that a branded PC aint necessarily better than a generic one, that cheaper isn't necessarily worse, and that 98% of people go to buy a PC without knowing what the fuck they're looking for, and so get ripped off! It's a sad fact but it's so damned easy to rip people off.

What do you want one for, anything in particular? Cos Suiii the TechiWizBangLesbienne can easily tell ya what specs to go for, and how not to get ripped off!

>98% of people go to buy a PC without knowing what the fuck they're looking for

I'm a member of the silent majority at last!

I went to Tiny (yes, I know, Ugh!) in Middlesbrough (yes, I know, Ugh!) and was very impressed by the fact that all the leads and holes were colour-coded. That's my level, I'm afraid.

I want Internet (natch). I want a printer, scanner etc. I want to set up a site, with real player (or something) to show some short clips of ancient stuff I taped on Betamax in the Olden Days.
But mainly I want to get experience of setting up a website and a fuller understanding of it. I think it will further my career.

I'll leave you pondering those things overnight. I'm supposed to go home from work at 4pm and now look at me!

Tsk!! OK I'll ponder that one for you!

And remember:

TINY=BAD
TIME=BAD
MIDDLESBOROUGH=BADBADBADBADBAD!!!!!

Thanks, Suiii.

If you have any thoughts/advice re computers I'd be v grateful.

Maybe you could email them to me at
[email protected]

And this thread can get back to some good old-fashioned smut.


Incidentally, you can surmise two things from my email address.

1. That I am tall.
2. That R stands for Richard

That's a stunning email addy. I can have whtever address I want, depending on how I feel and conversely, people can make their own addresses up for me! An example you say? Alrighty then!

[email protected]
[email protected]

etc!

but mostly, I use [email protected], saves confusion!

So how are you today then Mr RB?

I'm feeling kinda blue.

One of my colleagues threw my own words back in my face. He told me to "Twat off" - a phrase I normally use myself every 20 minutes or so.

But I'm the boss of him and he will SUFFER!

Actually, he said it in jest, because I corrected him. I told him you couldn't have one pence, as that was plural. It should be one penny.

Someone once accused me of being a pedant.

Awww! Being pedantic is fun, they should respect ya!
I'm not happy either, had a bit of a 'misunderstanding' with my best mate last night, only the second time in 11 years so I feel like an utter bitch today!
Go here http://www.log.dial.pipex.com/playground/index.htm
I've been laughing hysterically since I started reading it, cheered me up no end!

Thanks. I've just spent too long on that and still just been on the Bs.

My fave is Pissball (which, curiously, starts with a P [damn, I didn't intend that punny joke but still it's there])

Do you think we could arrange a Forum game of it? Bagsy me not goalie.

I spent about 2 hours on there, maybe the longest time spent at any site (except TV Cream or Computer Stupidities). I was just sitting here like some demented hysterical lesbian (Er...not exactly a break from the norm-Ed.) and my brother kept saying "What the fuck is wrong with you? Stop laughing you're scaring me!"

I reckon we should play 'Snorkel' http://www.log.dial.pipex.com/playground/snorkel.htm

heehee!

I keep taking a sneaky peak, when I should be working hard. Then I have to stifle my chortles as I read about fight fart or the like.

Meanwhile, IT bigbrain, I have a problem. My mobile phone is haunted.
My mobile phone rang two people yesterday, even though it was switched off and on my bedside table all day. I forgot to bring it to work.
Oddly, both the people it rang were called John and are next to each other in the phone book.
I therefore believe I have a ghost in my moby.
The phone man at work seems to think I'm just a dizzy queen who did the phoning himself, without realising, EVEN THOUGH I WAS FOUR MILES AWAY AT THE TIME, and the Johns were phoned seven hours after I left home, and five hours before I got back.
He assures me the SIM card cannot be cloned because it's a digital phone.
He suggested someone had come in the house and done it.
I'd love to think such burglars existed. They don't bother to steal anything, they just play bizarre and meaningless practical jokes.

Spooky! Another twist is that 'John!' once had such burglars, who broke into his house and only stole his Gameboy and some vodka! I suggest banning the name John, for starters. Hmmmm, as for the moby thing, I've never heard anything quite so weird, apart from the time my digital 121 moby was left switched off and when I turned it on, the list of the last 10 numbers that *i* had supposedly called, were numbers that although I had in my phone book, I had never had any reason to ring. Weird.

I'm not sure if digital SIMs can be cloned, but there's certainly something very odd going on there, first, verify that it aint a wind up, second....er...call a priest!

vaseline boy

Paul Frame was known as 'Vaseline Boy' on account of the rumours sweeping the school alleging that his father, Fred Frame, was in in the habit of buggering his kids over the bath. It was unclear exactly how many kids Fred 'had', but it was generally agreed to be at least six, (Paul being the eldest). It was assumed that he had a large family simply in order to fuck it.

Thus whenever Paul passed in the playground, classroom or corridor, his tormentors would sing, to the tune of 'Japanese Boy',

'Framey woke one morning and his bum was numb,
He's a Vaseline Boy...'

Heeeheeeee!!!

A PRIEST?

I don't think they'll come within a country mile of me.

I'd just out them. How many priests are poofs? EVERY SINGLE ONE IMHO.

I once dreamt I'd been elected Pope. What fun I had.

Pfft.

The filth level in this thread is depressingly low.

What happened to the days of the S4C thread?

Now *that* was dirty.

Dirty?

A gayboy and a lusty lesbo can't be dirty together!

And you're such a fly-by-night flibbertygibbert Forum-goer these days, I'm finding it hard to keep it up.




The relentless banter, I mean.

............but obviously not the innuendo!

and the icey cold showers with novelty soap

>and the icey cold showers with novelty soap

No, my soap's not a novelty. I've sculpted it into the shape of a large, erect penis.

I haven't looked at this strand before, I've just dropped in. I think I'll drop out again...

I can no longer access this forum everyday, because I'm yet to bother getting my uni room internet line connected. But I will, probably.

And I find it difficult to wank in the library.

Lazy trollop. I can't even phone you anymore, our little convo last week, on your mobile, cost me 15 quid.
Cast back into the depths of despaaaaair and poorlysickiness. Bleurgh.

Wish I was dead.

I was beginning to wonder where you two had gone.
Found myself talking about bloody idents again today.

Suiii, I've emailed everyone I know with Snorkel. I keep laughing out loud at it at inopportune moments. Even at 8mph on the treadmill at the gym. Nearly caused myself an injury.

John! Went to Via Fossa yesterday. £150,000 for some blue lights and to sandpaper the graffiti off the toilet walls. What a bloody waste!

150 grand? Sheeeeeeeeesh, coulda done it for 500 quid!!

That Playground site is way too funny, my poor bruv was getting quite scared, I was laughing so hard! There's so much stuff on there that no-one should ever laugh at, cos it's evil, but you can't help it! That bit about that mad bloke, Legalion, who used to build living rooms on railway lines had me absolutely decked!

I wanna go ouuuuuut tomorrow, not fair! Get asked to go out in Newcastle by not one but 3 people, and I've got no cash, had a booze ban slapped on me by El Dokktor, and have to pick my sodding parents up from the airport first thing Sunday morning. Damn them!! How I shall weep, at the thought of not being able to drink in 'Strings'

*snigger* What a dive!

Strings is the new place, yes? Or is that not right? I'm really not up on the Newcastle scene. Are you going with Boy to the airport? Or Andy? And 15 quid? Fuck.

And Via Fossa has new lights. Hmmm...they were closed for a couple of weeks weren't they? Well, as long as they still have those lovely, massive olde style chairs and tables.

Yeah, Strings is the new crap place, it's really truly awful.
Me and Andy PandyPops are going to the airport *sighs* they haven't even phoned once. Oh, apart from this morning when Stevie described Barcelona as 'really scary'!!
I know, 15 squids for one fucking phone call, I could have phoned someone in America for 7 hours for that amount. I nearly fell through the kitchen floor, when Sarah Jane arrived I was just sitting on the stairs going "15 quid...15 quid...."
Baaaaaaaaad OneTel. Could've been worse, if I'd done it on BT it woulda been 30.

You in the computer room or on your PC?

No it's:

Big feet









big shoes.

Is it?

No!

Big John
Little John
What a way to groowwwwwwwwwwwww!

Now I am truly confused.

I was told that Strings in Newcastle has been set up by the same person or people as Strings in Middlesbrough.

I need comment no more on that.

The only thing I picked up in the Middlesbrough Strings was tinnitus. So much noise, so few people to soak it up and cushion my eardrums.

But the Middlesbrough crew raved about the Newcastle Strings. Even then I was sceptical . . .

It's a world class shitpit. It's about <-----------> that big, and it's clientele is mainly fat queens, str8s in tracksuits (who were breakdancing last time I was there!) and horrifically dressed trannies snogging old women! *shudders* Viiiiiiiile!

I'm currently writing an itinery of Things To Do in the North East for when my housemate and another friend go and stay at Boyfy's in Redcar.

Strings has now been crossed out.

But there's not a lot else.

See if you can get your feet unstuck from the carpet at the Powerhouse.

Go to the Metro Centre and say: Wasn't that easy to get parked?

Drink "frothy coffee" - nearest anyone north of Leeds has to cappuccino.

Er, go on the Metro and ... travel for a bit.

Help me out, Suiii.

Ooooh tricky.

Go to see the 'Angel of the North', stand for 5 minutes bemused and cold, and say "Wasn't that..er..nice"

Go to The Bridges shopping centre in Sunderland and marvel at just how many different colours and combinations of tracksuits can be worn.

Have a little orienteering expedition around the Metrocentre. Winner is the person who gets out alive! (in the event of all the participants dying, the person who, prior to their death, was bumped into by the most old people/prams/idiots shall be declared the winner!)

Hehehehehe Suiii, you do make me larf.

>Go to see the 'Angel of the North', stand for 5 minutes bemused and cold, and say "Wasn't that..er..nice"

Been there, done exactly that. Shall be taking them there too.

Oh, and have you ever been to the train made from bricks in the Morrison's supermarket car park in Stockton on Tees?
Hmmm.... You North Easterners know all about art, don't you? And it's nice to see that the Lottery has made such a difference to all our lives.

Hope you're feeling better.

Something I did once...

Take the Newcastle Metro, to the Metro shopping centre, outside Newcastle, and reflect on the time you have wasted in your pointless journey.

Aaagh Metrocentre is vile. I've got blisters all over my feet from trolling around that God forsaken place *shudders*

I've found the cure for my ills RB, a litre of Smirnoff Blue, a lovely pressie from my darling (ahem) parents! Oh yeah, and I may be pissing off to Majorca on Saturday, if I feel up to it! *lol* I bet that lovely sunshine will make me fell tons better!!

Naughty Suiii. I thought Herr Doktor said no alcohol. Or is that at an end now? Does Smirnoff Blue not count?

Majorca = fab. Supposed to be going there in the spring if my mate PC gets his finger out and gets his friends' villa for free or free-ish. We'll fly EasyJet. Cheapskates, nous?

I'm going to Cyprus myself in two-and-a-half weeks' time.

Some celeb gossip: Had my photo taken with Tiff Needell (sp?) of Top Gear fame last night.

I can feel you glowing green from here.

*seethes with envy*

Heehee!! He's a babe, but let's face it-he's no Clarkson! Phwoaar!

Yeah, Majorca, 3* all flights and transfers included for 89 quids! 6 days of laaaarvly sun and babes in bikinis!

And fortunately for me, Smirnoff Blue does not count as alcohol *ahem* I think the Dok meant Breezers and stuff! All those artificial colourings could make me v. ill *rofl*

What a great idea. I'll blame the tartrazine rather than the beer next time I have my head stuck down the toilet. Well, they say that pure beer wouldn't give you a hangover, don't they? It IS the additives. I'm going to join CAMRA NOW!!!!!

More news celeb-wise re Tiff. Just found out that Howard Donald (ex Take That) was there too. I saw him and, I blush to add, did fancy him. I thought he looked vaguely familiar but did not actually recognise him. Only this morning did someone point out who it was. And me with all my TT albums. (I'm no cliche queen.)
How the mighty have fallen. Er, Howard, not RB.

Oh poor little RB, I'm saddened by all these TT related confessions. I recommend a spell in The Priory! Heheheh!

Yep, definitely the tartrazine and Sunset Yellow which makes you hungover, s'why I drink neat vodka, so puuuuure!

Well, I am a boy of a certain age . . . TT means so much.

Have you seen this on TV Choice Tuesday thread:

Isn't "Attachments" on tonight? More girl-on-girl action for Suiii to drool over.

I do hope you put them right. What a BORING programme it is. I've tried to watch, really I have. But it's more powerful a sedative than Mogadon. And I hope she's not your cup of tea.

Ugggh Attachments is awful! I'd rather watch Anne Widdecombe and Thatcher necking on!! But fuck that....


I'M GOING TO MAJORCA!!! Wooohoooooo!! I won the auction! 109 quid I had to go up to, but for a week of s/c accomodation, in the lovely Balearic sunshine, it's worth it! And I fly from Newcastle too, 10 mins away! *dancing about* So much excitement, I was screaming my silly lesbiotic head off!

My mother was right:
There are a lot of nutcases on the web.
And I found them.

We'll miss you Suiii. Send us a cyberpostcard.
And Radiator Head Child. What do you mean nutcases? We've studied hard to get where we are today.

Guess what? 10 minutes after I posted that last message, my old boss phoned up and said "Andy (nasty store manager who refused to accept i was ill, and made me have to leave my job) has gone, and I *need* you back to get the store on top form. We've got to turn the store around for Christmas, please come back!"

Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!!

And, I only have to sell stuff, no tidying, merchandising, nuthing!! Woohooo! What a day!

How bizarre.
I rush back to work to print off my housemate's CV and pop to the forum while it's doing so, and you're there and with good news.

Congrats!

You can't keep a good woman down. Well, maybe YOU could.

Will you be taking anyone to self catering heaven, S?

Or going alone?

Flying?

Or sailing?

Foreign food?

Or good old British tucka?

(Well done by the way!)

Heheh, cheers guys!

Unfortunately I'm only going with my best mate, and not Liza Tarbuck or Jackie Woodbine, but it's a start! I foresee...using my powers.....extreme drunkenness!! Wow....that's some psychic ability that!

As for the whole self catering thing, when I'm on hols I'm usually too drunk to eat anyway!

"We've got to turn the store around for Christmas"

That must be why no one ever goes in there - it's facing the wrong way...

Hey look, I'm here again.

Last night was good...for some reason all the LGB people from around the North West came to our union to stroke us and touch our hair.

Could be Alton Towers on Saturday. Then going all posh to see Swan Lake the week after. Add to that my needed visits to Canal Street and the lure of a £2 per seat cinema, and I'm not sure how I'm going to get any essays done.

Pfft. Essays.

Time for me to go and see what goodies await me in the city.

No offense intended by "nutcases", because that is my nickname, well what people call me behind my back.

Sorry what was this forum about again, TV?
Bother

Sun, sea, sand, sex, sangria, Spain and Suiii. I do hope you don't have a lisp.

John! Swan Lake? I never had you down as culture queen. Is it the all-male performace? Great leather trousers. Hear the audience sigh in unison.

No, it isn't the all male performance, unfortunately. But I don't care, I'm going to see something cultural for once, who'd have thought it eh?

Isn't Manchester just great?

Oh, and how are you, RB? All happy, like?

John! Manchester IS groovy. It's groovier still if you look up. So many buildings are beautiful, but you don't appreciate them because you can't get the right perspective. The streets are just too narrow.

Bloody hell. TV Forum TV Schmorum. Architecture, that's the new rock and roll.

I'll be playing out this weekend. Boyfy's not around to cramp my style. Er, I mean Boyfy's not around, so I shall be desolate and feel empty without him.

In Via for a quickie tonight. A quick drink that is.

3 more daaaaaaaaaaaaays!!! I really shouldn't get *quite* so excited, I've been chucking up all day due to my childlike exuberance! Heheheh!

John-Hello! Mailserver is down with a capickle D. I miss ya loads, don't I get a quick phone call? Heheh

RB-I reckon he don't love me no more, cos of all his interesting new mates, ah well, it was a good 12 months!
Know any poofs I can adopt?!

Off to pray to Huey now! Bleuuuurgh! L8rs!

>Know any poofs I can adopt?!
>
You see, no matter how hard you try, you lesbatroids can't suppress your maternal urges.

All the homosexualists I know are tied with large ropes to pillars and fed once every three days with out-of-date Pedigree Chum. They also wear nappies and like suckling.

No, sorry, that's only the ones in Chains nightclub. Is John! a regular, I wonder?

I've often heard the phrase: "Squeal like a pig, boy!" shouted as I've walked past. I *don't think* the words were directed at me.

If you want to adopt one of them, I'll find a for you to fill in (and the number of a decent psychiatrist).

I'm fuming with jealousy about the hol, by the way. It rains. It rains. It rains. It rains.

But I am going to strut my oh-so-funky stuff Essential nightclub on Friday night.

Lock up your sons!

I missed out the word "in" in that.

But even if you add a further comma, the phrase "Lock in, up your sons!" still doesn't mean anything. What are you getting at?

A sort of (pub) staybehind inside someone's anus?

Nice idea, Jon. Not sure it'll play to the ABC1s.

Then pitch it to BBC1.

>"Lock in, up your sons!"

*snigger* After hours incest?

Da-da-da-doom!

Of course I still love you, lesbot! But I'm in Manchester now, not Devon, so there's actually stuff to do! My tiny mind can't cope with all the things. It's Canal Street tomorrow, God knows what on Saturday, films and things on Sunday, and possibly lectures on Monday. And phoney lacks mucho credit! I've had to limit my top-up cards severely.

RB, it certainly does rain a lot in Manchester. It's very annoying. But then I'm very rarely in the outdoors anyway, so who cares, eh?

Oh, and plenty of the men on my course are bloody gorgeous. It's really not helpful in lectures when rather than listening I'm imagining what I could do with them all.

>Oh, and plenty of the men on my course are bloody gorgeous. It's really not helpful in lectures when rather than listening I'm imagining what I could do with them all.

John! You have a one-track mind.

I LIKE IT.

I wish the same could be said for the men at work. I never play trouser tents here.

There's plenty of food for thought in my lectures.

Often sitting directly in front of me, so I can see their laps if I bend forward far enough.

>There's plenty of food for thought in my lectures.
>
>Often sitting directly in front of me, so I can see their laps if I bend forward far enough.

I hope you have a good sense of your centre of gravity, otherwise goodness knows what would happen

>Mailserver is down with a capickle D.

I tried to email you a pic of Liza T. But I thought I'd fucked it up.
Maybe not.

Well, if I fall into their laps, no harm is there?

In fact, I shall do that Monday morning. The perfect way to wake myself up, a face full of lovely, young, bulging student crotch.

Tsk, tsk, young man. You should be studying hard instead. That's what I pay my taxes for.
Rant!
Rave!

<seeths with jealousy>

As Boyfy's not around this weekend, I shan't have his laptop to play with. Won't that
double entendre ever lose its shine?


If you read this before you go, Suiii, happy holidays!

<seeths with jealousy>

Come and play with my laptop for the weekend then.

It's available for enthusiastic rubbing and stuff.

Bye Boys! Back next weeeeek! (then it's my biiiirthday!)

xxxxxxxx

I've just looked at this thread for the first time in ages and it appears, rather unnervingly, to have turned into some kind of weird approximation of my life. I work in Middlesbrough, in IT, used to live in Manchester and once stayed with an ex in Redcar.

Is someone watching me?

It's situations like this that made that bloke who thinks the BBC are spying on him the way he is...

Shit boys, we've been rumbled, RUN!

[opens door of flat and sees shadows of every forum contributor disappear around corner, as one]

Have you been nicking my milk too?

(and my mail)

>Have you been nicking my milk too?

*buuuuurp*


Er.....no! As for the mail, it was in your own best interests! All those cheques and cash would've just hindered your growth as a person!

Have a great time, Little Miss Lezzer!

And hey, this topic is just one big gay, Manchester/North-East based dirt fest.

>Have a great time, Little Miss Lezzer!
>
>And hey, this topic is just one big gay, Manchester/North-East based dirt fest.

We could start getting Gordon Burns to say that at the start of NWT, im sure he would be more than willing to comply.
Gordon Burns: [email protected]

Gordon Burns: The North West's Rob Curling.

I feel a bit stupid. Who's Rob Curling? The name kinda rings a bell, but the brain won't engage. Is he shaggable, John!? (BTW thanks for the laptop offer. Read it too late)

Hello Nik, welcome to the Manchester/North East gay tetrahedron. Redcar? Name names.

Well, you can have Rob Curling. He's the world-famous ex-presenter of hit TV quiz, 'Turnabout'.

The Monday morning lecture went as expected. Just me sitting there thinking of the endless possibilities of fun I could have with one or many of those men.

>Well, you can have Rob Curling. He's the world-famous ex-presenter of hit TV quiz, 'Turnabout'.

Pesky daytime television. Never get to see any of it. Why don't they put it on later?

>The Monday morning lecture went as expected. Just me sitting there thinking of the endless possibilities of fun I could have with one or many of those men.

You'll fail. Or are you going to MMU?

Out on Friday and Saturday nights. With a pal who kept pointing at people and saying things like "His name's Kaal, he's on gaydar. That's his boyfriend, he's Maak. They're in an open relationship."

The sooner I get a PC at home the better. I feel like a social outcast.

I am going to MMU, yeah! The biggest university in the country, apparently, and Julie Walters came here.

That's why I chose it. Julie is my Woman.

The men here are incredibly nice from what I've seen.

>The men here are incredibly nice from what I've seen.

And have you seen A LOT?

Nope.

I'm sorry to say I haven't.

Damn it.

Oh dear. You'll have to join H2O-zone (the sauna next to Clone Zone) or one of the seedier ones, or go Down The Canal.

Or aren't you that sort of boy? Looking for Mr Perfect. Roses around the cottage door?

Well, I'm open to anything.

<puts sensible and caring hat on>

Just as long as it's safe, young man.

Well, quite.

Strangely, me and a friend took a look 'Down the Canal' today, just out of interest.

It's awful!

>Hello Nik, welcome to the Manchester/North East gay tetrahedron. Redcar? Name names.

Hello, thanks. A tetrahedron, you say? I did wonder what this week's gay polyhedron was. Sadly I must confess to being heterosexual, though I do try to act gay in public.

I really also must point out that I have never lived in Redcar (though I do reside about 5 miles away).

Must visit Manchester again someday - does the sign in Canal Street still read "Anal Treet"?

Young sophisticate that I am, I have never been Down the Canal. Boyfy won't let me.

Canal Street is always Anal Treet. It will never be anything else.

And Nik, don't worry about being a heterosexual. Some of my best friends are heterosexuals*














*Deliberate parody

Hey, RB, you should take a look Down the Canal. Everyone should at least once, if only to experience the sights, sounds, and aaah, yes, the smells of other men.

It's not nice.

Fine for gay men, perhaps, but what about da ladies?

Well, there might be some men there who come close to being ladies.

Do you want me to keep a look out for you? Scrawl your telephone number up on the wall?

Well, they're redeveloping around the Ducie Street area of the canal soonish and it'll be blocked off!

Where will the hundreds of homos go?

I guess I ought to go to get a fully-rounded education before it's too late. I just don't want to ruin my shoes.

Does Healthy Gay Manchester provide condoms for the feet, I wonder?

Yes, good point, Arma. Where do da ladeez go? There is a bar called Vanilla . . .

You're right, RB, shoe-spoilage is a distinct possibility down there. It's very wet, very dark and full of rubbish and spunk.

And sex hungry men, of course.

Do you think I could leave my wellies in the Cruz cloakroom while I go boogeying, then put them on while my judgement (and maybe my balance) is impaired, so I can risk all Down the Canal?

Well, expect to fall in the canal if your balance is impaired. It's certainly not the safest place on earth, and the canal stinks.

But hey, if you ever want a companion to wander down there with, just give me a shout.

Will you hold my hand?

I'll hold whatever you want, baby.

If you'll do that, what's the point of going Down the Canal?

Just think of it as a short holiday.

And savour the experience.

I'd rather go to Gran Canaria or Sitges or Mykanos or Key West or Middlesbrough.

Actually, scrap the Middlesbrough thing.

Actually, yeah, Down the Canal is preferable to the North-East.

I might well go down tonight with a flask of hot tea and see what happens.

Have you seen the weather? Or is Oxford Road in some sort of climatic neverland?

It's far too wet. You'll need a thermal blanket, thermal underwear, thermal condoms.

Take my advice. Stay at home and just have a wank.

I have indeed seen the weather. I went into town yesterday to buy an umbrella.

Oh, and wanking it most definitely is tonight. I love it.

Maybe we should venture Down the Canal in April. It should be better then.

I'll bake some scones and we can bring your flask of tea and maybe a travel blanket.

Oh, and enjoy yourself tonight.

Believe me, I will.

I always do, I always make them special.

Oh John! You're such a smooth-talker!

You have such a velvet tongue.

Well, you know what they say: Why have cotton, when you can have velvet?

Why have velvet when you can have Lycra?

Why have lycra when you can have nothing but a throbbing, wet cock in your face?

Why have a wet throbbing cock in your face when you can have two wet throbbing cocks in your face?

Why have two throbbing wet cocks in your face when you can one up your arse as well?

Why have two throbbing wet cocks in your face when you can TWO up your arse as well?

Why have all that when you could just sit down with a nice cup of tea?

and Gordon Burns, not forgetting him

Vile.

Anyway, back to me now *AHEM*!

Niiiiiice. Nothing to report, loads of lesbians in Alcudia, very scary. Poor little Genie-uss was scared witless!

Hurray, the bitch is back!

How come so soon? I thought it would be a couple more days. Was it marvellous?

Anyway, can we get back to talking about cocks now?

And I thought you were going all Boy George on me with this tea malarkey.

Cocks, cocks, cocks, cocks, cocks.

Hi Suiii. Did you cop?

Horrid day today. Got home last night to find NW Water had cut me off. Too complicated to explain. Started thinking more kindly about the Canal, though.

NW Water cut you off? Oh well, like you say, just venture Down the Canal. There's plenty to drink down there.

Oh, it's all too depressing. Water back on, but massive holes in the floor. No hot water. Cistern takes about two hours to fill.

I just can't think of witty ripostes because of my woes.

I'll just have to say cock, dick, prick, willy, john thomas, member.

Oh, good. Feeling better already.

Yeah, cocks always make you feel better.

Keep it up.

Actually cocks remind my of ballcock, which reminds me of my plumbing hell, which makes me feel depressed.

But I am going to Cyprus on Sunday. Whoopee!

Will you be sampling the local cock?

Boyfy's coming too.

So Cypriot rudeness should be off the agenda.

In fact, it's only recently been decriminalised there. So I'm not sure what the score will be. Old-fashionedly seedy, I hope.

Sure as day you can meet some interestin locals in the cells heeh RB?

Who might Boyfy be den?

>Sure as day you can meet some interestin locals in the cells heeh RB?
>

Hmmm... interesting idea. I've no idea what the cells in Cyprus are like, but I bet I've been to worse bars.

>Who might Boyfy be den?

I'm not telling everyone on this forum. They'll all want a piece of the Boyfy action.

Let's just say we'll be celebrating our third anniversary when we're away. (Pass the sick bucket.)

In gay terms, this is a ruby wedding anniversary, so don't spare the pressies. Make 'em big, make 'em expensive. Make 'em attractive to a pawn broker.

Third anniversary? Bloody hell, well done RB.

You always come across as a total tart, but I guess you're okay!

But some of my best friends are tarts.
All the others are all sluts and slags (although they describe themselves as studs and irresistible hunky devils).

Monogamy is achieved only through a prodigious amount of pornography.

It's quite handy actually, I now place my bed on top of my vast collection of Men, Inches and Wank Yourself Silly magazines.

Can't you just put a computer in your room and have live cybersex with men from across the globe?

I intend to buy my very own computer soon for that express purpose.
But Suiii told me I am not allowed to buy a computer from anywhere that sells computers (more or less). Where is that crazy chick, any way?
Meantime, I have to make do with Boyfy's laptop at the weekend and my PC at work.

BTW, Swan Lake gets a rave review in tonight's Manchester Evening News.

Yeah, Swan Lake is supposed to be rather great, but unfortunately, money and general forgetfulness means that me and my lovely friends won't be going to see it.

Ah, well. I know an even better way to entertain myself. And that's staying in my room and fingering myself. I can't have cybersex though, because I'm still only using the uni computers.

Easy as it may be to get a hard on in the library, it's more difficult to wank and clean up.

No Swan Lake? Well, take another top tip from me.

GET YOUR FINGER OUT and go and see Snake in the Fridge. It's on at the Royal Exchange Theatre soonish. It's by Brad Fraser. And, well, it has NAKED MEN in it. That's all you really need to know. Just book those tickets.

I'm hoping to go, but it starts while I'm in Cyprus.

While I'm on this recommedations kick, here's another. Go and have lunch at Love Saves the Day on Tib Street (in the Northern Quarter). It's a deli-cum-cafe bar-cum-organic food supermarktet. I am about to go there now. Yum, yum, pig's bum.

It's a tad expensive. Hets are a bit of a novelty there, but it's not overtly woofterish. Students don't seem to have discovered it yet.

Blimey! One minute we're talking about anal stimulation, the next it's organic food stores.

This certainly is a wacky rollercoaster of a thread.

Well, the words 'expensive' and 'restaurant' don't really go together well for me.

And of course students haven't discovered it yet. Most of us haven't discovered anything apart from places that give you vodka and Redbull for less than a quid.

But hey, that naked men thing sounds good. But I think I might be going to see The League of Gentlemen in a couple of weeks, so who knows.

If I don't get to sample any cultural delights this term, I'll start doing so in 2001.

Until then, I'll just go back to fingering and wanking.

>Easy as it may be to get a hard on in the library, it's more difficult to wank and clean up.

It's easier than you think...but you can only do it once.

Actually, my Love Saves the Day burrito with salad, plus a large cappuccino cost £4.95, so it's not that expensive. A bit of carrot cake for pudding set me back just 90p more. So it's not too expensive.

Intrigued by Stuart O's library wanking confession. Was that a confession? Tell us more.

Off to Cyprus on Sunday. Hooray! Keep the thread going.

Incidentally, what has happened to Suiii? What is the shocking truth?

Well, she got back from holiday a week ago, but hasn't been seen since. It's her birthday week though, maybe she's doing 'special things', or maybe she's busy at work. Or maybe she's just asleep.

I don't eat salad, it's horrible.

And let's hear more about this library wanking, stuff like that turns me on.

>
>I don't eat salad, it's horrible.

You'll get scurvy.
>
>And let's hear more about this library wanking, stuff like that turns me on.

You ought to go to the sauna in the LivingWell gym, Quay Street, near the Opera House. Top place to cop.

Going home. Now. See ya.

Enjoy your weekend, and your holiday, GayBoy.

And you seem to know an awful lot of places to cop, seeing as you've got a lovely boyfriend...or is it a group sex type thing?

Not back at work yet, been asleep all week, damned chickenpox. Grrr.

Have a nice holiday RB, and best place to buy a new PC at the mo' is Morgan Computers in Manchester, cheap and friendly!!

23 tomorrow....gah.

Greetings from sunny Cyprus.
I'm hoping to win the Saddest Person who Uses the TV Forum Award. Think I'm in the running?

John! The truth is that those who talk about it a lot, do it not very often, and vice versa.

Suiii (Belated) happy birthday.

Boyfy's birthday on Friday.

I got here OK on Sunday. Our luggage is supposed to be joining us today (Wednesday). It has not yet.

Awwww petal! *hugs* nasty planes. Are you and Boyfy like.....naked then? I have astonishingly good holiday luck, maybe I should sell bits! I had a cracking birthday due to Asdas 3 litres of Red Bull for £2.50 offer, that and a litre of Smirnoff Blue...mmmmmm!
Wish Boyfy a Happy Birthday from me, and enjoy the rest of your hols!!

Suiii... is that REALLY you???

*hug*

It certainly burtonly is! Gooood evening Mr Worthington! Aaaah I'm all BrassEyed up, what a find, 5 episodes of BE, which I thought were gone forever!

Check thine email, my fellow Liza lover...

The 6th eh? Actually....I'm sure it's on one of these *gestures towards 300 unlabelled videos* damn....I really should label stuff! But I may get back to you on that!

You never told me how your holiday was! Any strictly off-forum stories?

I wish! Although the local supermercado seemed to be entirely staffed by lesbians! My poor best mate was quite afraid, insisted on wearing her fleece coat and a very long skirt whenever we went there, not ideal clothing for 31 degree blazing sunshine!

So why does she hang around with you then?

Not that it's any of your business, but we've been best friends for 11 years, and she's the nearest thing to a sister that I've got. She just gets paranoid when they're en masse.

What is the collective term for a group of lesbians?

A pint

I always thought it was a "horde".

Don't put yourself down.


Oh wait, I misread that.

What was all that business about horses anyway? Never got that....

The thing was...

on some thread or other, kinder surprise mentioned that there was a "croupier image" of subbes. To which I made the spontaneously witty reply: "is there an image where she looks less croupy?", which caught young kinder's imagination, because she looked in a dictionary and found that "croup" means "horse rump", apparently. And thence the humour arose...

Ah, I see. Thank you for that.

Wasn't even that funny, but no, they had to go on and on flogging the dead horse... bastards. completre and utter bastards.

Never mind, here, have some of these tasty, tasty Smilers.

Yay.

Er. What are they?

They're weird sweets, made by St*rb*rst, formerly known as Opal Fruits. They're so tropical and fruity that they cause your mouth to involuntarily grimace, hence the name!!

Are they the horrible jelly things we had that actually taste like *real fruit*? Bleurgh. Falseness is what's needed.

Hey, lovely DVDs only £12.50 each in Virgin. The Green Mile, come to daddy!

Vikram, Steve and That One From The Corner Shop from Coronation Street turned on the Chrimbly lights last week. I didn't go to see them.

Hello RB, are there loads of beautiful poofs on holiday?

Hollyoaks is on in a minute. Inspector Morse was good last night.

This message is fascinating, I can tell, even from here.

*fascinated*

Lucky I has no need to buy The Green Mile, and Warner Bros. (Gawd Bless 'Em) have reduced nearly all their titles to £12.99, wooohoo!

And yeah...sweets that taste like they're s'posed to are officialy bad, MORE SUGAR!!!

Warner have, too right! Now there's far too much choice!

I also bought Jaws in that 12 quid offer today (overdrafts are a great thing), and this time I didn't beat up the shop assistant!

*hysterical*

Yeah, cos you're reaaaaally good at beating people up!
Oh my sides!

Hey man, I can 'rumble wiv da best of dem'.

I is tough.

In a poofy, pansy-from-the-south sort of way.

Uhuh, in a "Not my face, not my face" kinda way, I dunno, you and your flights of fancy!

"Not my face, not my face" that's far from what I've heard.

He loves it in an "all over my face, all over my face" kinda way.

Oh, hang on, have I got the wrong end of the stick here? Or maybe a completely different stick altogether?


Apart from a distinct lack of talent, hol going well. Except we both got the runs.

I told Boyfy: "Never mind. At least we'll save money on the old KY jelly."

He was not impressed.

*laughing* Filthy dirty little RB!! No lovely Cypriot waiters for you to feel up then??

I think your boyfy should have appreciated the chance for some time away from buggery. You could spend some quality time together flower arranging, and walking, and sucking on street urchins.

Niiiice!!

How you doing Mr Bendy?

Got some Diocalm, and now Johnson and Johnson's share price can rise again. Back to the old stuff.

Just been to Egypt for a day (crusing - in the boat sense - there and back).

I have nothing funny to say about it. It was just awe-inspiringly fantastic.

Now it's bloody raining and there's not a lot to do, so I've written my pals a cyber postcard and looked in on you. Hellooo.

Awww aren't you lovely! Heheh. My parents went to Cyprus in the summer and did the Egypt/Holy Land cruise thing and said it was amazing. I've just seen a holiday in Thomas Cooks, week half board in Santa Ponsa for 99 quids in January, so I may be off again! My feet get itchy if I have to stay in England for too long! *laughs*

England is one almighty dump.

Well, apart from the lovely bits.

It's all Christmassy! Lovely. Virgin Megastores continue their horrible ploy of trying to get me to spend money by extending their range of 12 quid DVDs to include an outrageous amount of quality discs. But I can see through their plans.

I hope you're all happy, everyone.

I'm doing rather well, really. It's World Aids Day next week, and our LGB is having a big party. There's also a big demo thing, through the city centre, could be a bit of a larf.

Hello daaaaarling! *huggle*

Your mail will be forthcoming, but I seem to be having probs sending/receiving emails at the mo' (grrrr)! DVDStreet and Bensons have got all the Warner £12.99 DVDs for a tenner, I shall have to have a spree after Chrimble! Ooooh, Toad and Stevie have got a DVD player, not as good as ours (natch) but not bad for £120 !! Sodding
copycats!

Bloody Toad and Stevie, always following our lead! Tell them to get something else, like a hi-tech toaster or something! And that Virgin offer isn't just on Warner discs, it's on pretty much all of them. You should get into Newcastle and have a DVD-session. Invite some of the cast of Byker Grove to hold your bags! You can be the lesbian version of Nanette Newman, the superstar.

What's happening with your mail, lezzertron? Is it skanked-to-the-max? I want you to mail me that picture of myself!

It's nearly Chrimbly, hurraaaay! I love this time of year. Le-James-oh is burning me a copy of our Christmas album, and it should be winging its way to me soon!

I'd better go back to the flat for pizza or something!

So many exclamation marks, that's not like me at all.

Loooove you, Miss Skank!

(Oh, and you too, RB)

First thing I'm gonna do when I get my first wages (hoping I can start back in about a fortnight) is go to El Virgino and buy loaaaaaaaads of DVDs! I've got about 27, but I need more! I've had our Chrimble album playing non stop for about a week, I *love* 'Fairytale of New York', one of the best songs ever! #you scumbag, you maggot, you cheap lousy faggot, Happy Christmas yer arse!# Waheeeeeeey!

Enjoy your pizza bend-o-legz!

Shelf space for discs is becoming rather thin. I am the DVD queen of our flat.

Christmas songs are ust the best invention ever. There's no better way to enjoy a dark, wintry night than with Slade and all the rest singing about my favourite time of the year. Sod summer, Christmas is where it's at.

I went to a straight club last night. Bloody hideous, full of...straight people. I was dragged along by two girlies, it's not my fault. Gay clubs are bad enough...straight clubs are officially Hell.

Half four. Bong!

I know what you mean about shelf space, I've completely run out! Oooh, me and Genie-uss got fab new mobile phones yesterday, really cute blue ones! (Mines got a dodgy battery though, so it's going back!) I'm sitting watching Diagnosis Murder *ahem* stunning!

I don't watch Diagnosis Murder. Is it on at the same time as Live Talk? Because if it is, you know where I'll be, baby.

Smash your mobile phone up! SMASH UP THAT BATTERY!

I've gotten into the habit of not going to bed before 4am every night. Watch a bit of telly, play a bit of Zelda, watch a bit of telly, watch a bit of porn, read a bit of book-stuff.

#When I was just a little minge, I asked my mother, what would I be?#

Anyway, I'd better get off into town. Have a nice Friday night!

x

I will, faaa-daaaang! And I've smashed that mobile to pieces and flushed it down the bog.....think Woolies will still give me a refund??

Love ya! Mail should be fixed soon!

xx

>the cast of Byker Grove to hold your ****!

Ah......I have of course heard about the famous incendiary incident. But do you (or any of the 'Northern' peeps) know the rest of the cast?

The old cast of course.

I know a few, went to school with seven or eight of them, live in the same street as a couple (unfortunately). The worst was Nicola Bell, who played 'Debbie'. She only got the part because she won a competition in a magazine, but it didn't stop her lording it over every single person in the school, and claiming that the next step on her ladder was chart success, then Hollywood. She now works in a Baskin Robbins ice cream shop. Ha.

I hope you go in just to taunt her.

That would be cruel, and Suiii doesn't have a cruel bone in her body.

Really. Ahem.

Anyway, I hope a good weekend was had by all. Mine was simply lovely, watching vids with peeps and scoffing junk-oh-food. Perhaps I should get some work done now?

Or not.

>Nicola Bell, who played 'Debbie' now works in a Baskin Robbins ice cream shop. Ha.

Ohhh...yeah. Beeyetch! (Not really)

Back to the humdrum.

Christmas? Humbug!

DVDs? They'll never catch on. They said CDs would be big. They never got as big as records though, did they? Bloody small shiny things.

Byker Grove? I have never seen it. Truly.

Got back to Manchester at 4am. Might have affected my state of mind. Then had to wait 30 minutes for a taxi at the airport.

Moan, moan, moan.

I thought Manchester felt considerably sexier when I woke up this morning.

Welcome back, RB.

Oh, John! Now you've made me blush.

I prefer my blood to rush to other parts of my anatomy.

BTW, just read the Friends thread and find we are of one mind on Frasier. We really ought to have sex one day.

You mean you didn't realise that my love for Frasier borders on obsession? How odd, I thought everybody knew that in here. Apparently Season One is being released on DVD next year. We can but hope.

Is it nice to be back in Manchester, Sexy Boy? Me and a few friends (along with a couple of hundred others) went on a gay equality march through the city centre this afternoon, what fun it was. And it didn't rain, not once.

As for the sex thing, yeah, why not?

A march? I did not know about this. Why did they hold it during the week? Weekends are far more sensible.

As for Frasier, its repeats on Paramount were my main reason for getting cable TV. Who needs DVD?

Up for a shag, but not this weekend. Up North East.

Well, it was a NUS thing, and seeing as students generally don't get out of bed at the weekends, it made sense to have it during the week. I'm sure demos don't help at all, but it was fun seeing people's faces as they all looked out of their office windows and stood in bus stops wondering what the hell was going on.

And as for Frasier, well, I have the majority of them on video already (about 130 to be precise), but I'm absolutely desperate for them all on DVD. VHS recordings just aren't enough. In fact, VHS is positively arse by comparison. So when they are finally released on shiny disc, I'll be camping outside HMV.

So, you're up North-East this weekend, eh? How lovely for you. Say hello to the new 'Fantastic Moving Bridge' that everyone seems to be getting so excited about.

'About 130 to be precise'? That makes no sense at all.

'About 130 at a rough guess' I should have said.

>I'll be camping outside HMV.
>I am the DVD queen of our flat.

Brilliant puns John!

>'About 130 to be precise'? That makes no sense at all.
>
>'About 130 at a rough guess' I should have said.

Muhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Hiya RB, I'll give you a wave this weekend!
The new bridge is quite lovely looking, but I just can't figure our *exactly* how it works.

>And as for Frasier, well, I have the majority of them on video already (about 130 to be precise), but I'm absolutely desperate for them all on DVD. VHS recordings just aren't enough. In fact, VHS is positively arse by comparison. So when they are finally released on shiny disc, I'll be camping outside HMV.
>
Impoverished student, my arse

I've got to go to the North East to make Boyfy buy his mother a new bed for Christmas. I slept in hers once and was shocked, I can tell you.

As well as being her supposedly loving son, he's her hard-hearted landlord. Complicated,
but true.

So I don't know whether I'll be bridge-walking. I am, however, informed that I will be going to the Powerhouse. So it'll fun with a capital F, U and N.

I'll wave at all the lovely lezzers in the hope of waving at you, Suiii. Do you wear sensible shoes, by any chance?

'The Newcastle Moving Bridge: Britain's Best Loved Landmark'

Hey, hey. It's nearly Christmas. In a mere two weeks I'll be leaving the North, and heading back down to the pansy-ridden South. I'm looking forward to it very much.

Time to go into the city and see if I can avoid all the Big Issue sellers.

Going to Via Fossa tonight for the Aids day bash thing? I'll be strutting my funky

Nope. I've done my World Aids Day stuff, what with the demo and big party on Tuesday.

I actually got rather angry with someone trying to get me to dance. They soon realised why they should never ask me again.

Balloons!

Are you crap at dancing then? That probably means you're hardly sizzling between the sheets.

Me, I dance like a cross between Neuryev (I can't spell Rudolph's surname) and Miss Kylie Minogue.

John Savident (Corrie's Fred Elliott) was out at the Fossa last night chatting some young lad up. I saw him.

He ended up getting stabbed in the neck when he went home, I'm disheartened to learn this morning.

But I'm not one for tittle-tattle.

Yes, well, that's what you get for chatting up young lads, eh?

Oh, and as for the dancing thing...the last thing I want my man to be doing in bed is impressions of Kylie Minogue and teaching me Steps routines.

Yawn.

The first thing I said to my beloved Mama this morning upon hearing the news about Mr Savident was "I bet it was a rentboy", she looked mildly surprised and then conceded that this might be true. Heavens, would be weird if I was correct.

RB, get thee to Morgan Computers in Mankystar if you still want a PC, they've got some pretty good offers on, whether you want a top of the range £1500 beauty, or a £500 pretty good websurfin' baybee!

Morgan Computers sounds like a good old fashioned Welsh family business, where they make each other cups of tea and have incestuous sex up against the store room door.

Oh man, what a glorious day! The nicest day, ever.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. Please.

Chrimble-oh!

But Steps routines and Kylie Minogue impressions form 90 per cent of my foreplay technique.

I was going to wait till after Xmas to get a computer. I've got little time before and maybe they'll get even cheaper after? Well, it's a theory.

Boyfy's gone cold on going to Newcastle tonight. Maybe we'll hit Middlesbrough. Ahem!

Maybe I'll spend my time looking at bigcocks.com. Who knows?

There's a new bendy bar in Stockton, maybe you should check it aaaaht!

Boyfy said that. Then he said he didn't know where it was. Bah!

*laughs* Naughty Boyfy! The address is on uk.gay.com, and www.queercompany.co.uk, in their scene listings. Sounds OK, I may have to make a visit!!

Is it full of <whispers> queers?

The Tesco Metro in Manchester city centre is.

Uuuugh, I *hate* queers!

Yeah. They're DISGUSTING. All that stuff they do. Potting the brown instead of the pink.

They're all hairdressers and airline stewards. They all love Kylie Minogue and Judy Garland. They all have high standards of personal hygiene and don't like Eric Clapton. What's that about?

And, yes, they are all in Tesco Metro (or Sainsbury's Regent Road, or Tesco East Disbury, but never - with one notable exception - Sainsbury's Heaton Park).

Yeah, sickening! I reckon they should make the limit for gay sex 56 years old, that'll sort them out, yeurch! Dirty bumsex!!

The Asda in whatever area it's called is pretty full of them, too.

But Tesco Metro is the undisputed leader. Its jam packed with them, some of whom even come to our LGB nights at the union.

I've applied for a filthy dirty job working with homosexuals, I shall try and reform them, using Bible quotes and free pies!!

Just testing to see if I can still post to the forum.

It seems to be fixed now, *phew*

>I've applied for a filthy dirty job working with homosexuals, I shall try and reform them, using Bible quotes and free pies!!

Free pies? There'll not be a single homosexual left in Wigan.

If you put them in a barm cake and deep fry them, so much the better. (They are actually on sale in such a state there.)

John!, Asda Hulme I suspect. Hulme-osexual as its known round these parts.

That's the one! Walking around it made me feel quite, quite dirty.

Pringles on special offer in Tesco, Buy One, Get One Free! Oh, the miracles of life.

Anyone for a free fried pie then?

I've decided not to take that job, seeing as how it's working with (and for) homo's! Heheh, and nothing to do with the fact that I have no accountancy skills.

Accounting?

Now I'm perplexed.

Isn't that what your fingers are for?

Actually, lesbos (and homos come to that) do find other uses for them.

It was a job with a bender housing association, and didn't mention in the ad that you needed to have Grade 2 accounting experience, grrrr.
Anyway, I have no fingers. They fell off during a daytrip to Exeter*. It was Johns fault, therefore I shall never see him again.



















*Or was it my feet John? I can't remember! Heheh.

Dagnabit! Pesky in-jokes.

But is Exeter as beguiling as it sounds?

Exeter has charm coming out of its bendy ears. Well, in at least 1 square foot of it, anyway. The rest is rather drab. But if there's one thing to be said for the city, it's that it does fantastic pizza.

Oh, and it was your feet, I'm sure it was your feet! Or perhaps we should ask that nice lady from the bus station?

Glorious days.

Aaah, the lady from the station that looked like Aunty Val, from the League of Gentleman! (Do you have the DVD yet? Amaaaazing!)
Yeah I think it was my feet that dissolved! RB, you should try the pizza if you ever get to Exeter. Just thinking about it makes me drool! Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm...how I miss those carefree bendy days.

Exeter, pizzas. I don't think I'll be getting Virgin Trains down there just to get a Four Seasons. But I'll bear it in mind.

I might be interviewed on BBC Radio Scotland tomorrow at 8.30am. Oooh! That's got you all intrigued, hasn't it?

Yepper, I got the League DVD a couple of weeks back, I simply couldn't resist. It's probably my favourite disc, what an amzing commentary. Marvellous.

Auntie Val in Exeter bus station, being attacked by birds at the Xoo, Lil and her Amazing Pink Coat...it was quite a year.

I've watched that DVD about 30 odd times since I got it, I can't bear to extricate it from my Toshy! (ooer missus!)

Gooooo to Exeter young RB, and demand extra parmesan. Did you get interviewed?

not yet. it's tomorrow

Oooh, then I shall....um....get a friend who arises early to listen to it! Is it about your collection of hermit crab shells, or linedancing?

I DO NOT HAVE A COLLECTION OF CRABS!! Well, not any more. Oh, hang on. Maybe I should have read that more carefully.

No, it's Coronation Street.

But they've not rung back and I suspect I won't be on now.

SAVE RB'S COBBLERS!

Here, I've had some sweatshirts printed up!

Sweatshirts. Oh. Dear.

I'd rather lick the shit from Nicholas Witchell's unwiped arse than wear a sweatshirt.

Such strong feelings about jumpers made from fleece backed cotton! I'd quite like a jumper like the one the Grinch got from his adoptive mothers. All flashy lights and bad taste!

Is The Grinch any good? My lesbo friend Diane and I normally go to see all the kids' films. I was going to ring her and suggest it. We love 'em. (Er . . . the films, that is.)

Well, I guess I won't be on Radio Scotland. It's after 8.30am now. They never rang back. How rude! They really wanted me to go to the studios in Oxford Road to do it. But I told them to twat off. I have to go to the dentist at 9am.

I shall bomb the Radio Scotland offices for you!

The Grinch is a funny, funny film. Can't understand why it's a kids film though, some of the references are quite 'adult'!! Me and my friend Sarah laughed all the way through, we really identify with the Grinch, and the dog is brilliant. The kids in the audience were terrified, heheh.
Can't wait to see 102 Dalmatians either.

Saw 101 with Dykey Diane. We loved it. We'll be going to see 102, too.

I've gotten over the Radio Scotland thing now. I have been on GMR y'know.

Go here and vote against Baroness Young

http://www.ageofconsent.org.uk

Beat you to it! Voted there a couple of times. Did you see that thing under the results? "Over 4000 rogue votes have been removed" that'll be the gay ones then! Fucking evil old bitch!

When I last looked we were winning handsomely.

Looks like the cyber gay community is stronger than the cyber bigots.

From what I've seen, the cyber gay community is enormous! Benders serioulsly outnumber breeders online, even on forums which have nowt to do with gayness, they're everywhere!

John, if you're out there, hahahaha at the fucking Goss Catamaran! *hysterical*

*squeals excitedly*

Oh my! The scary parcelforce man has just delivered not one, but 18 books to my door, which I ordered ages ago and forgot about!
Agh, which one to take in the bath and read? I'm just gonna have to stay in the bath all week now!

And then you'll turn into a wrinkly prune-like lesbian. But at least you'll be well-read.

Erm, I can't remember anything.

Other than to say:

Yes, I chuckled at the Goss catamaran, now apparently 750 miles offshore somewhere;

The Grinch might be acceptable, but that doesn't make Jim Carrey any more appealing than the annoying little fuck he is - he certainly sticks to what he knows;

Orange Jelly Babies are lovely;

It's now only 3 days until term ends and I go down to Portsmouth for a bit before heading home;

RB, if you had gone to the BBC Oxford Road studios, you could have called in for a cup of tea and a cake, I live literally a two minute walk from them;

And finally, Merry Christmas, one and all!

Cake? What sort? Battenburg? Jamaican Ginger? Chocolate? Or FRUIT?

It's nowhere near Christmas yet.

But I am going to spend it in the bosom of my family in the sunny Isle of Man. A whole week. Can't wait.

It's also my birthday. It goes
Christmas Eve
Christmas Day
Boxing Day
Birthday Eve
Birthday
Birthday Boxing Day
December 30
New Year's Eve
New Year's Day

I always feel sorry for December 30.

I shall be off my face for a week. Yeehah!

Christmas is bloody marvellous, and I for one can't wait to get home. Much as I like Manchester, I'm looking forward to being with my family again.

Oh, you are a good boy. Bet you are your mother's favourite.

Nope. She just can't wait for all four of her children to be together again.

Lovely.

Are you a member of the Partridge Family?

Nah.

Just a member of a great, modern-thinking family who all get on splendidly!

Oooh, got to go into the city and look at products!

Have a nice night!

Well the ! family won't be the basis of a great sitcom will they?

No hints of dysfunctionality at all?

They're all lovely!

What a year, although I do fucking wish it had never ever happened, none of it at all, very weird strange 12 months, which I started out with so many different people in my life, and ended up with a new mobile phone* and an inferiority complex. Ah well, it's only a game.

*ornamental only, obviously, obviously.

But you make me laugh at work. And what greater purpose in life can there be?

Everyone worth knowing has some sort of complex. People who like themselves are very, very dull to be around.

<scratches a bit of wood>

That's some good scratching.

>Everyone worth knowing has some sort of complex. People who like themselves are very, very dull to be around.
>
Hmmmm . . . herpes complex.

Did you catch it from a monkey?

Catchie monkey?

Yes, but I was *very* drunk at the time.

A monkey in skates, you say?

I'd pay to see that!

Look at

http://www.rbcatchesherpesfromamonkeyonskates.com

I'll never live it down.

Did he 'prod' you with his big 'monkey stick'?

I don't remember. It's all a bit fuzzy. But you should have seen what he did with his bananas.

John- (cos the email account I use with this ISP is fucked!) I love you, you are without doubt the best friend I've ever had (Pedro don't count, she's fambly) and finally...great minds think alike eh?
*massive hug* all better?

Heh, ignore me RB, I'm just a silly crying lesbian!

John, sorry I had to say the other stuff, I just didn't know what else to do. You may just be a lanky poof with big feet, but I think you rule!

Oh man, getting me to cry in the library is not on. I have my reputation to think of.

I love you Lyns.

Awww, big softie, although Jess has mocked me since your email arrived for my own weeping bawling shenanigans! What a pair we are, 2 in a million! Anyway, poofs are supposed to be more emotional than humans *laughs*

Hey, you're the best friends I've never met.

Suiii, I've tried to e-mail you on your btinternet address. I hope you can get it.

I've got it, cheers RB!

We really are quite strange, we make a very odd pair indeed. Me-the little lezzah with big tits and even bigger shoes, and John-he's taller than a totem pole, thinner than something you peel off a Cheestring, and he can eat more food in one meal than I can in a day! We terrorised the south west and the north east, drank more booze than is humanly possible, ate more sweets than a group of small children, and slept in a tent in my garden because we were too lazy to go camping! He's great and one of those people you only ever meet once in your life, and only then if you're very lucky indeed.
In his honour I have composed a poem...well...a limerick!

There was a youg poof from Torquay
With incredibly powerful knees
When a finch bit his features
He jumped 30 metres
And covered his trousers with weeee!

*snigger*

*chortle, chortle*

You made me laugh out loud at work (again) when I was supposed to be turning barely literate nonsense into beautifully-crafted, flowing copy.

Keep it up!

Ahh, the life of a modern day Jimmy Olsen! (Or should that be Lois Lane??) *snigger* I find that the best cure for "Suiiisterics" is to have 2 browser windows running, one with the forum and one with something dull, then if someone asks why you're laughing, just say "Hahahah, have you seen Bush/Blairs/Putins latest plans to reform the US/British/Russian economy? Hahahah, synthetic otter noses! Tres amusant!" They'll be so confused that they'll just, fuck off!
Ahhh, I'm almost Grinchlike in my cunningness!
Now I must away, I am about to start preparing tonights dinner, a fantastically elaborate lasagne, and a home made carrot cake big enough to wipe out world hunger! (I'm in one of my creative moods!)

Yep, what with that, and all the yogurt I'm eating these days (still haven't figured that one out, I blame the Asdaliens) and the excitement of *finally* having persuaded my parents to get Sky, I'm quite sure I'll be in bed by seven with all the excitement!*






















*Note: By seven, I probably mean about 3am instead of 5. Mmmmm, darkness!

Darkness is great! The middle of the night is now my favourite time of the day. So peaceful!

My average day goes like this:

12.30pm, get up, have shower.
1.00pm, watch news.
1.30pm, eat junk food.
2.00pm, watch Live Talk.
2.35pm, come to computer room.
4.00pm, wander into town.
6.00pm, eat more junk.
7.00pm-midnight, watch telly and videos.
Midnight-4am, watch porn and read lovely books and things!

Basically what me and Suiii did for 6 weeks, except this time there's not a pair of whopping tits and a lovely labraguts in sight.

Mmm, it's dark outside now, and it's not even 4pm.

This'll be my last computer related antics at uni before the holidays.

It's Christmas!

Christmas RUUULES!

Oooh we get all Digi-ed up this weekend, so I'll be able to get New Simpsons, WACCA! Live Talk was much better when it was 'Loose Women', I guess I just liked the connotations, mmmmmmmm Nadia!

Yeah, Loose Women was a better title. And Nadia isn't on it all the time now, and it's not that good when she's not there.

I should go and be part of the studio audience, and give her your phone number!

How did you persuade the Toad to go Digital? Did you tell her there's a Heartbeat and Badger channel?

Happy Christmas, John!

But you're online at home, aren't you? So I guess you'll be around.

My Granny was moaning at me the other day about digital television. I talked to her on the phone for two hours the other night. My bill.

She reckons Seinfeld's on too early on Paramount.
She's annoyed that she can't watch Letterman any more because it's on ITV2 (and she has Sky Digital).
She also likes Graham Norton and was the first person (all those years ago) to tell me I should watch Vic and Bob.

Hip Granny, or what?

Groovy Granny!

Yes, I'll be online at home, though probably not as much, depends if I can get James to vacate the computer seat for me. And I'll be wanting to spend some time with my family too, obviously.

Oop, got to go, see you on Tuesday or so!

xx

Couldn't El James-Oh be tempted away from his PC with a trail of mixed nuts and Pot Noodle bits? Heehee

Oi Johnny Boy, guess where I went today? Yep, the BEACH! Brrrrr, quite freezy but a lot of fun, especially with two madcrazy dawgies running about! Jess sends her luuurve!

At your recommendation, I went to see The Grinch on Saturday with Dykey Diane and Boyfy.

Aaah!

I'm glad to note, incidentally, that the real meaning of Christmas has nothing to do with the birth of Our Lord Jesus Christ. I cringed and sank lower and lower into my seat when I began to think that was going to be mentioned. Phew!

Now I feel all festive at last. The feeling was enhanced when I went for an eight-mile mince around the snowy hills of Derbyshire yesterday with the Gay Outdoor Club.

I'm glad that they weren't what I thought they were going to be. It was so chilly up there, I thought I would not measure up when it came to alfresco rudeness.

*giggles* Outdoor pursuits eh?! I had a great deal of fun at the beach, topped up my tan a treat, I look not unlike George Hamilton now, all charred and leathery! There was an awkward moment when I thought I would have to remove my jumper, as a certain naughty dog belonging to Pedro decided to play tug-o-war with my sleeve!

First you play tug-o-war with a jumper. Then it gets out of hand and you end up in court and get this written about you . . .


An ex-social worker went prowling at a farmhouse so he could ''have a nosy'' at where a businesswoman had sex with a Shetland pony, a court heard today/yesterday(thur).
John Martingale, 54, couldn't resist taking a peek at the property after hearing how Jayne Bamford engaged in intercourse there with the pony and also two rottweiller dogs called Bert and Blob.
But Martingale got himself arrested when the new owner of the farm in Rochdale, Greater Manchester, arrived home and caught him trying to climb through a kitchen window.

Ewwww ewwww ewwwww!

Oh man, and people say gayness is bad! Bloody hell!

the Ricky Martain story beats that..

Ricky Martain is taken round to some woman's hous to surprise her as part of some Jim'll fix it thing (not him, but a similar programme).
He hides in the bedroom cupboard waiting to jump out and surprise her.
She comes home, unknowing and goes about her usual business - which in her case, after a hard day at work, is to go upstairs to her bedroom, smear fish paste on her genitals, then call the family dog over to lick it all off.

Poor old Ricky Martian watched the whole thing from the closet :O)

although you could say it was payback for his last album...

Hmmm . . . Ricky Martin in the closet, you say?

How ironic..... Heheh, if he's straight I'll shag Anne Widdecombe!

He has remained strangely ambivalent about his sexuality in interviews.

He appears to be too good-looking to be straight, I'll grant you. And I'd give him one at the drop of a fez.

But is he bright enough to be gay?

Well that was my main worry, he does seem rather dim, but then 'Michael Barrymore'. Do I need to say any more?

My hip granny once horrified me by telling me that Michael Barrymore reminded her of me.

Other people (in fact, quite a lot of other people) say I'm like Dale Winton (BUT THINNER, as I keep having to remind them).

It's a wonder I don't have esteem problems.

And, to misquote something from the wireless, if we're so clever, how come we're not as rich as Bichael Marrymore?

Well that's true, but I'd rather be a complete and utter povotron than be him! My mother thinks he's great, but I just cringe when I see him. It was even worse when he came out, now I suppose we just have to wait for a hideous lezzer Barrymore type to appear, then the Universe can implode!

>He hides in the bedroom cupboard waiting to jump out and surprise her.

I heard that it was a teenage girl and this was shown live on Spanish TV with her family in the audience in a studio. Though that may have been embellishment.

Kirsty McColl is dead. Boating accident.

Never watched Barrymore, though. Neither have I.

Weird, I've just posted something about Kirsty M. I'm devastated. There's no justice in the world, what with Westlife still alive and everything.

Spooky, eh?

We were all singing Kirsty at work. Except someone has now bizarrely started on the Banana Splits theme tune. And we've all joined in without even wanting to. No taste, some people.

#la la la-lalala-la la la-lalalala#
Aaah, the Splits! I'm going to Napsterise some Kirsty songs, and when we're good and pissed on Sunday we'll sing along in our own special way! Aaaah, 70 pounds worth of booze for two people, it's going to be amazing!

You're going to fall over and pass out, aren't you?

Further to a past posting:


An ex-social worker who went prowling at a farmhouse so he could ''have a nosy'' at where a businesswoman had sex with a Shetland pony walked free from court today/yesterday(wed).
John Martingale, 54, couldn't resist taking a peek at the property after hearing how Jayne Bamford engaged in intercourse there with the pony and also two rotweiller dogs called Bert and Blob.
But Martingale got himself arrested when the new owner of the farm in Rochdale, Greater Manchester, arrived home and caught him trying to climb through a kitchen window.
He threatened the owner with a knife but was punched to the ground and held down until police arrived. At Minshull Street Crown Court, Manchester, Martingale was ordered to complete 40 hours community service after being convicted of possessing a pointed blade without reasonable excuse.

Ugh, haven't you already posted that in here, or did I see it in the Boyz Blue Room? *voms*

And subbesy, I fall over every ten minutes, drunk or not, so maybe once I'm suffering from 1st degree alcohol poisoning I'll be able to stand up!! Heheh

Wow, you're worse than me. I'm steady at falling every 20 (but that could be due to getting only 6 hours sleep in the past 72 hours... yaaaaaawn).

Sleep's overrated anyway, I don't need my health, I've got BLACK VODKA!

Oh wow.

You are indeed blessed.

I certainly am. For some reason it sells for 20 quid a bottle, even on the official Blavod website, and the lovely sexy Asdaliens are flogging it for a tenner. MMmmmm, they may be from another galaxy, but I love 'em!

I think everyone does, even though I never did get to see them.

That shetland pony thing. Great. My law friends were going to go along to sit in court for that, but it repulsed them too much. I'm sure if we were together at the time, Lynz, we'd have jumped at the chance, seeing as it's remarkably similar to how we got together...

I'll not see Manchester for 3 weeks! How will I cope without the rain and the Arndale centre?

#Heroes in a half shell...Turtle Power!#

I would have *loved* to have sat in on that! Every time I think of bestiality, I think of you!

<sniff>

You say the nicest things!

Aw don't mention it! I also think of you when I see Tortoises, elephant shit, and dead birds! I really love ya!

Off work in an hour. Hoorah!

Mama has no computer. Papa does. But I'm sure if I went to his house, he'd join in and tell everyone how he bunked off school to see the adverts being tested in the daytime (yes it does sound odd, but he assures me it was true) at the start of ITV.

Any old how, merry Christmas and all that. I hope you get just what you always wanted.

Awww, Daddy B sounds great!
Have a fab Chrimbo, you and Boyfy! Christmas has come already, the Burtons have gone multichannel at last! As Homer Simpsoy would say...WOOHOO!

Multi-channel is a necessity in today's society.

And that's the reason I can't wait to get back to Manchester...Channel 5.

Mmm...100% Sex.

Happy Christmas RB and Bloke!

Heheh, 100% Sex! In a thread near the bottom I got carried away and said '1000% Sex', ooooer!
Hiya Johnuss! I shall compose a reply to your email just as soon as I sort my PC out, GAH! Ooooh, 'Simpsons Bible Stories' tonight, NAKED MARGE!

i'm never drinking again. i feel lousy and i'm crying so much

Babe, you still about? icq me if you are.

Hmmm....wonder if the poofs had a good chrimbo?

Mmm, I had a marvellous Chrimbly. I've tried replying to your mails (yes, even the drunken one!), but this internet connection makes me want to eat my own eyes. So expect a reply when I can get a good connection going.

League Christmas special. How bloody great was that?

Christmas is so nice! Pissed Boxing Day, sort of thought it might be nice to make a total arse out of myself in front of the entire family for some reason. I do so enjoy Bacardi and something else to go in it. And there's still half a bottle of that and a whole bottle of voddy for the taking. <dribbles>

<hugs Suiii>

Have a nice night!

Larm!

Awwwww, it's my maaaate!
*huggle* Yes....that drunken email was very...er...*ahem*

Glad you enjoyed yourself, I spent all of Chrimble vomming up vodka, such a waste! The League was fucking amazing "Decorations? Oh them, they send the fucking mongs up from Stanhope Road to do them every year" *hysterical* With my Chrimble 30 quid I've bought the LoG 'On The Town' tape, and the 'Local Book for Local People'. It's apparently gonna take two weeks, but I don't care! Also managed to buy PC version of 'Theme Park World' for only £4.97 in Asda! Povtastic!

Yes, but simply venturing into Asda is a massive hazard to your health(!)

Netto, that's another story.....

>Yes, but simply venturing into Asda is a massive hazard to your health(!)
>

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!! What do you know about the Alien conspiracy, that Asda shops are a mere front for???

RUN JOHN, RUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN!

>Yes, but simply venturing into Asda is a massive hazard to your health(!)

Aaahh, but me and Suiii don't have any health.

Sharkey bought me the Local Book for Christmas, I was pleased as punch! There's a great picture of Val Denton's muff on the back cover! "Fanny like a bin bag of old mussels?"

You're my wife now, Dave!

I can't wait for my book, *dribble* wonder when series 2 and the Chrimble one are coming out on DVD? It's mighty snowy here, about 9" deep, poor Doggo got snow kicked all over her....by me, heehee!

Well, that's not very nice! Poor little Doggins, I can just picture her black little face, covered in snow! Give her a hug from me!

What are you doing tonight, my Lezzer? I'm staying in getting drunk with Smirnoff, and family and stuff.

"Call that a cock? It's more like a mouse's tongue"

Yeah, I think I'm just staying here with the parents, and going to neighbour's houses to drink their booze. It's too cold and snowy to go anywhere, it's still several inches deep, and as you know, I'm not very tall!!

Wish I had a secret stash of money, and a snowblower, and I could celebrate in style!

Everyone in our house wishes your lot a Happy New Year! *hugs* enjoy yourself tonight!

Wiz of Oz is on, but I'm too scared to watch it, I keep thinking of that nasty neighbour man who tried to murder us!

Happy New Year! Mum, James and Auntie Susan wish you a Happy New Year too! They said that last night, but I was too drunk to register it.

As for Wizard of Oz, I can't watch it anymore, either. I get visions. Visions of a shouting man with a knife, running at us, screaming...me in tears, and you trying to fight him off by strangling him with Strawberry Laces and smacking him in the knackers with Pringle tubes.

<weep>

We could have both been killed!

<sob>

<wails>

I know! The very mention of Ruby Slippers is enough to send me into hiding for at least a week *quiver* How we survived that night, I'll never know. I think it was a combination of me punching his ankles while you screamed into his ears!

Hello again. Happy New Year.

Just had a fabby Christmas, birthday and new year.

Best prezzie: A bike from Boyfy. I pedalled my old one so hard, a pedal sheered off on a Welsh hillside. Dropping those hints the size of East Anglia really paid off.

Worst prezzie: A cream sweatshirt with a picture of two leopards in a circle on the front. From my aunt, a psychotherapist who knows perfectly well that I am a homo, and therefore have impeccable dress sense. A sense that precludes sweatshirts of all kinds.

One of the three TV programmes I saw over Xmas was TLoG. V good.
The others were Fast Show (the second one) V poor.
And The Wizard of Oz (it's a Judy Garland thing I s'pose). But I fell asleep during that. Had no nightmares.

As for the Asdaliens, I think you have a point.
I vowed never to return to Asda after visiting the branch in Harpurhey, north Manchester.

First I had to find a pound to release the trolley (how common!)
Then I was intrigued enough to visit the aisle that promised �Foreign Foods�. It contained only rice and pasta. How exotic.

Conclusion: They must just be very common English aliens.

*hysterical*

I am *so* jealous of your sweatshirt! From my insane Nan, I got a t-shirt with a panda on the front! Heheh, wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't for a 10 year old!
The Asdaliens are indeed very common, in our branch Supernoodles are in the 'Foreign Foods' aisle <rofl> povotrons from a distant Galaxy.

A panda, eh? how darling.

Yes! It's called Chi-Chi apparently, you jealous? *giggle* It'll break my heart, but I'll send it to ya!

Have you had to cut two holes in the front for your magnificent breasts? Trust good old Lil to get you such a fabby present!

Hello again RB! How's Manchester at the moment? I sorta miss the place.

Oh, and Ian Smith has been washed off a rock at Torquay seafront. Just his glasses remain.

*sobs*

Harooooooooooooooold!

<ahem>

Yeah, I had to draw around 2 dinner plates to make some tit holes, but now I just feel cold all the time!
it was funny talking to you the other night, you were quite quite drunk! We simply *must* get together again sometime, to wreak our own particular brand of havoc on the nation :)
Had some disturbing news today, one of my friends from Staples, Dave, had a bad day at work last week due to some computer supply problems which customers blamed him for, and after his shift he drove straight to the Wearmouth bridge and attempted to jump off, very worrying. I should be back in a couple of weeks, but if this sort of shit crops up when I'm there they've got 4 weeks to sort it, or I'm fucking off! That's the last thing I need!

Hmmm. Well Staples certainly isn't worth attempting suicide for.

And yes, the nation needs to once again feel the wrath of a good old fashioned John/Suiii combo!

Well Dave is heavily into drugs, so he's a bit mashed in the head anyway poor love.

It is true that this nation has been steadily in decline since our last meeting. Transport chaos, floods, and I think that we two are solely responsible for the 15% decline in UK net usage time! It's obvious that our country needs us. We need to book the Manchester Free Trade hall, the Halle orchestra can play us in with the theme from QAF, and we'll lecture the masses on the only way to live, OUR WAY! After this momentous event we'll be elected as co-Prime ministers, with our cabinet made up of only the good and great! Sharkey can be Minister of Quality Gaming, your brother Richard and Pedro can be Ministers for The Disadvantaged (straights! { Gaydar? noooo, such a thing cannot exist, you've made it up!}) Mummy S can be Mash Minister, RB and Boyfy can be the Culture Ministers, and Nele moristrey and the Simpsons team can be Heads of Entertainment!

Woohoo, we'll turn this country around JohnnyBoy!

I like the sound of this.

My first act as culture minister is to ban the phrase "it all went pear-shaped".

How about, "They don't like it up 'em"?

*snigger*

To be replaced by "They DO like it up 'em"

Hehehe. Maniacal laugh.

Oh, and joint prime ministers . . . who are going to be "up against the wall" (in the about-to-be-shot sense).

Nominations:
Ann Widdecombe
Baroness Young
Norman Tebbit
Paul Dacre (editor of Daily Mail)
Anthea Turner (natch)
The bloke who plays Anthony on Coronation Street
The woman who plays Mo on EastEnders

Come on, come on . . . there's loads more.

Oooh, see the 'Bradley Walsh Deserves to Die' thread, that's full of soon to be dead people!!

>Come on, come on . . . there's loads more.


That tit of a Granada 2nite presenter James Cooper gets my vote

All the Granada presenters are tits. I say more funds for Gordon Burns.

More people to die:

Anyone remotely involved with the idea and making of the bollocky 'Whassuuuup' Budweiser campaign.

Same for the 'Who Let The Dogs Out?' song. Shite.

The girl who plays the one Robbie fancies in EastEnders (she's so dire I've forgotten even her character's name).

Steve McFadden and his breathing problem.

The entire cast of Friends.

The Conservatives.

Um...and that bloke who tried to kill me and Lyns while we were watching Wizard of Oz.

Oh. amd the person who designed the Arndale Centre in Manchester. What an eyesore.

I must have been too busy wanking to realise the last sentence in my last message was appalling. My apologies.

>What an eyesore.

Apart from the absence of a verb, it sounds tickety-boo to me. Also accurate.

Incidentally, while we're on about Manchester architecture, Suiii mentioned the Halle at the Free Trade Hall earlier. The FTH has closed, and the Halle now play at the Bridgewater Hall, one of the most delightful venues in Manchester. It's so airy and pleasant. I revel in its downright gorgeousness. It's suspended on giant springs to avoid the rumbles from traffic and the trams interfering with the acoustics.

Blinkety, blimey. I am getting pouffy.

So, I take it you're not touch typing while you wank, eh, John!

Aww I liked the FTH, I met Germaine Greer there.

My pal Mike once turned down a summer in Italy after landing a job with Germaine.

But he quit that job after a week because she was so unbearable.

Frasier's back tonight. Hoorah!

Supposed to be going to the N.E. tonight to see Boyfy and pick up my bike. But I'm going to go tomorrow instead just to ensure I am not interrupted while watching it.

His mother (who is also his lodger) has this strange thing about Catherine Cookson and the ilk. If it's not on telly, it might be on video. Ugh!

9.30pm-10.30pm tonight has been set aside as a time when no talking will occur in my house, merely laughter and perhaps a few 'aaah''s as Niles and Daphne discuss their love for each other. Aaah. Have you seen the trailer? Aaah. Luckily my family love Frasier, so no interruptions is a guarantee.

At Home With The Braithwaites. As brilliant as ever.

Oh, and can we knock the Arndale down, RB, and build something much more pleasing to the eye? Please?

Oh, I am glad you like the Braithwaites. I think it's fabby too. I'm a late convert, though. Only saw the last two or three of the first series.

The old saying about the Arndale looking like a public toilet is simply not true.
It's much worse. You'd never get any decent cottaging done there, it's just too aesthetically unpleasant.

Haven't watched The Braithwaites yet *sticks fingers in ears* LALALALALA CAN'T HEAR ABOUT PLOT DETAILS YET!

Well, just know it was as good as ever! And it was on ITV, what's going on? I'm surprised it passed through their stringent 'Must Be Awful' testing method.

Mmmm, and more importantly of course, the Season 8 premiere of Frasier was just, simply, excellent. It surpassed my expectations, I must say. Magical, romantic, very funny. Eight seasons in and still the best programme on TV.

Oh, and Frasier's speech at the wedding reception was a superb touch.

I'm still crying . . .

It's quite an achievement on the part of the writers and actors how the characters of Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne and Roz are so powerful and real.

And to think I've only been watching the show properly for just over two years! Although, of course in that time I've managed to build up a collection of something like 125 episodes. I think 'Travels With Martin' was the first I watched. Shortly followed by the genius that is 'My Coffee With Niles'.

Anyway, I might not be on for a few days. Going back to Manchester, not sure when I'll next venture into the computer room.

Well have a safe journey back, and be sure to eat plenty of red laces on the trip!

>It's quite an achievement on the part of the writers and actors how the characters of Frasier, Niles, Martin, Daphne and Roz are so powerful and real.
>
Some thing which always confused me about Frasier in the Us, is that its shown on NBC...
Because it should be shown on CBS, 'cos its made by Paramount right, who are owned by Viacom, who own CBS! - so really it should be CBS... its like the BBC making a top rating show and just selling it to ITV.

I think most of the old ones are on the Paramount Comedy channel on Sky.
I heard Daphne speaking in real life the other week as well, she sounds totally American now, poor thing.

Well - and I know my saying this will annoy John! - she's never sounded Mancunian.

But then in an interview she did recentlyish, she said she never intended to. She just went for vaguely northern, so the Americans would still understand her.

This is, however, carping at a very periferal part of the programme.

The rest is magnificent.

Mmmmm . . . Lockets overdose

Ewwwwww Lockets. I much prefer the frooty flavours of lovely Halls Soothers!

>Ewwwwww Lockets. I much prefer the frooty flavours of lovely Halls Soothers!

They have started making "Assorted" packs of Halls, i.e. blackcurrant and strawberry, the anticipation almost kills me when im opening the wrapper.
However, blackcurrent is normally the one which has leaked everywhere and refuses to remove the paper from itself, which I normally end up eating anyway.

Its a good job im not ill very often, i'd be permanently depressed.

You know what the bad thing is about Soothers? Occasionally you put one in your mouth, and *all* the menthol has leaked out of the centre, and it feels as if someone has set your tongue on fire! I hate that, it makes my eyes water for about a fortnight.

Lockets are even worse, especially these new Zinc 48 ones, as they make you feel sick as well...

Zinc 48s? Fuck, they sound disgusting.

Funnily enough, my local shop had run out of Lockets last night, so I bought a packet of Halls Smoothers, blackcurrant flavour. And I was pleasantly surprised. I don't have any teeth now, of course, but am still pleasantly surprised.

I also did not keep my housemate awake all night hacking away like an old bag lady.

Fate, or perhaps just luck.

And Zinc 48's are horrible, the only thing thats good is the pack they come in, supposed to be some sort of incentive to buy I expect, like that Mcleans "The Toothbrush" - which never worked - I ended up buying one of those electric toothbrushes, now I too have no teeth left.

Any more suggestions about what we should put in our mouths, folks?

Wow, coinkydinks abound, I too am toothless after being persuaded to try 'Sunny Delight'. I suggest we all put cake in our mouths, it's a fine, fine food.

I remember being down at my local Sainsbury's and seeing some little kid being dragged away from the sunny delight shelves in floods of tears, after his dad declared it was "just a box of chemicals with a twist of orange", to be honest it still tastes quite nice.
One thing never to put in your mouth is cheese, as its just goats urine amongst other things such as Mold, horrible.

Mmmm cake.

Wanna hear a cute story about me? OK, then.

When I was very little I wrote in infants' school:

"I lick cacks very very much."

Not quite got the principle what an E does to a vowel. Anyway, the way I went, perhaps I should have just added an R.

Or, substituted the 'a' for an 'o'!

I remember not putting something in my mouth at infant school, my asthma inhaler...
Consequently the entire year group was sprayed in the eyes with highly irritating chemicals, that was something Ill never forget - gave me a laugh though, I was the only one who wasnt crying.

*laughs*

I remember flogging 'puffs' of my inhaler because of a rumour (started by me incidentally) that it got you high! heehee, was a lot of fun when the old 'ventolin tremors' set in!!

I had the added bonus of having "Becotide" as well as the little blue ventolin tube, or something similar, which had an incredibly accurate nozzle, perfect for long range :)
- Out of interest how much did you charge - LOL

I also remember the headteacher telling me she would speak to my mum about it at the end of school, sadly her tactics failed totally and I managed to hurry my mum away before she got chance to tell her, quite good planning considering I was only 6 at the time!



*Reminds himself the builders are coming tomorrow, ahh, there's something to look forward to*

Ooo, Ive just been on BBC Radio Five Live :)

Suprisingly easy, they either dont get many emails or mine was really good...
*Looks at the clock and blinks*

Erm...I'm someone who could do with an awful lot of Halls Soothers, Lockets, anything you have to hand. I'm dying! Not that that stopped me from watching Frasier last night. Mmm...lovely. And I know Jane Leeves' accent isn't Mancunian, but it doesn't bother me. She's still quite, quite divine! And Niles is looking very handsome this season.

But anyway, how is everyone?

Awww aren't you well Mr Sexypants? *huggle*

I'll send the dog down to Mancs with a bag of Soothers for you, she says put the kettle on so she can have a hot chocolate when she gets there!

I've had a migraine since September, any remedies you can suggest Dr Sparklers?

You can get a Big Fat Lezzer to sit on your face and wriggle about, that might ease the pain. Then again...

I can't wait to see Jess with her Soothers, she'll cheer me up. Hot chocolate is ready and waiting! Does she take hers with cream?

<walks off to a quiet corner to bring up some horrible gunk from throat>

Jess takes hers with cream, sugar, and melted marshmallows!

I think the best cure for the old headache might be decapitation, drastic-yet effective!
Oooooh, Boyy's 21st Birthday Party next Saturday, so much driiiiink!

>Erm...I'm someone who could do with an awful lot of Halls Soothers, Lockets, anything you have to hand.

You don't want Lockets, you want Buttercup's - obviously not the plant, as that would kill you, but the throat sweet things, much better than Halls soothers, because ive just bought some - and now I can speak again, quite amazing, also as an added bonus they have none of the tongue burning liquid inside.

>Mmmm cake.
>
>Wanna hear a cute story about me? OK, then.
>
>When I was very little I wrote in infants' school:
>
>"I lick cacks very very much."
>
>Not quite got the principle what an E does to a vowel. Anyway, the way I went, perhaps I should have just added an R.


RB-Check out the 'I think I ruptured something' thread, we've made you a whole new language! P'raps you could write all your newspapery things in it?!

>RB-Check out the 'I think I ruptured something' thread, we've made you a whole new language! P'raps you could write all your newspapery things in it?!

Ahem! My vowels are purfictly farmyd, thenk yuo.

Incidentally, I meant to tell you ages ago that I stole wholesale your previous postings about shell suits in shopping arcades and made them the basis of a column a little while ago. And I got all the credit. What a bastard I am. Or what a great muse you are. My housemate often says witty things and I just quote her in print and pretend it's my own work.

Ho hum.

What publication do you write for then?

The Manchester Metro?

<downs 17 packets of Buttercups>

Aaaah, my first published piece. (If not in my name) I feel like Little Lisa Simpson!

I'm sure you could make a decent living writing, Lyns. You're funny, you've got something to say, and you say it well.

And you know what they say about shamelessly copying people. Sincerest flattery.

Manchester Metro? Hmmm.... maybe. But remember it might not be the Manchester Metro you're thinking of. Try the weekly.

Well, I don't read any of them unless I see one lying around the flat somewhere. They are sometimes forced into my hands by aggressive women on the streets, though.

However, I've rarely left my bed this week, so I've seen nothing except for pictures of half naked men and lots of used tissues.

Urgh.

We have two rival free morning papers. There's Metro, and Morning News, and they sort of fight to get to people first which can be scary. Especially as I can't even read.

Ive been lost in the Sunday Times once - it has at least 20 seperate supplements.

Morning News is or has finished, Suiii. You've probably not been awake early enough to notice.

There's a third paper you obviously don't know about, John! A multi-award-winning weekly Metro News which has been delivered to 300,000 homes in south, central and east Manchester, Stockport and Trafford since 1987. Part of the Evening News organisation.

Now it's prize time.

>Morning News is or has finished, Suiii. You've probably not been awake early enough to notice.

*ahem* Don't you know that lesbians can't go out in daylight more than 4 times a year?

Heehee, fancy MN finishing and me not knowing, I would have organised some sort of campai.....naaaah. Better just to stay in bed and watch The Simpsons!


As for The Times, I wish someone in our house would buy that instead of the bloody Mail. Fascist rag. "Oh but we've got coupons that means it only costs us a penny" grrrr. I really must murder my parents, or at least stop cooking for them till they start buying Bunty instead!

When I was 14 I did a paper round and bought my parents' Daily Mail every morning. Then I decided no more. And we've got The Guardian ever since.

What a good child I was.

My parents are nice, woolly liberal types really. So why we got the Daily Mail at all baffles me. Mum liked Peanuts. Is that excuse enough?

I'm going skiing for a week from Sunday. God, that's even more pretentious written down than it sounds when I say it.
Never been before. And since I'm hardly Mr Dexterity I suspect I won't be back. Or if I am, Christopher Reeve will be able to beat me in a dribbling race.

I take solace from the fact that France has tbe best healthcare system in the world.

John! I noticed the canal was frozen last night. I was on the street above, though.

The canal was frozen? Bleurgh, sticky piles of frozen spunk.

My dad also has those Daily Mail 1p coupons. Brilliantly though, his local newsagent lets him use them against any paper of his choice, and my dad certainly isn't a Mail reader. He wasn't before he found out about me, and he certainly isn't now.

Oh, and the UCI at the Filmworks is the best cinema ever. So big, so very classy.

<eats 37 Beechams FluPlus tablets>

John!, downing all these tablets will - quote "Damage your immune system", but then again as long as they don't kill you, you should be ok.

My parents by the Times, but only on Sunday, incredibly useful for tearing off bits of paper, which I can use to play with the cat, but otherwise the most gigantic paper ever invented.
Talking of healthcare, I was reassured to know about 90% of the worst hospital in the Uk are in the NW, joy.

buy the Times, not by it....hmm.

<scratches head>

Immune system? Ah yes, that's that thing I haven't fucking got anymore hence all ...this <points to self> ugh.
Skiing eh Mr RB? I used to ski...was hopeless, I have a congenital spinal thingy which makes it virtually impossible for me to balance a) on legs and b) on flat ground (ask John!!) never mind on a hill strapped to skis! It was a lot of fun, I wore out the arse bit of 3 pairs of trousers *giggle*

Ooooooh went for a bit of retail therapy today to cheer me up! Bought a new baseball cap cos my other one was all faded, a stripy Doctor Who type scarf, which with my alarmingly curly hair (dunno why it's gone curly!) I look like Tom Baker! Got 2 more Simpsons videos, loads of cans of Pepsi (14), an Oddball the Dalmatian keyring that barks, and a Mr Hankey!

John, I captured a finch a voodooed it last night to make you feel better, and Jessie has paid a local Witch Dogtor to lift the flu curse!

Someone assured me last night that they knew someone who knew someone (a bloke) who'd shagged H from Steps.

So it must be true.

I'd still rather go for Lee.

Now you've outed yourself on the Forum, c@t, any Canal Street shennanigans you'd like to own up to?

>
>My parents are nice, woolly liberal types really. So why we got the Daily Mail at all baffles me. Mum liked Peanuts. Is that excuse enough?
>

Sad fact is ask most daily mail readers if the daily Mail is biased and they tell you it isn't, it's just most people don't realise just how awful it is.

Hey, I think Jess and her voodoo might just be working, I feel a little better! Don't let her stop now, she's working wonders, lovely little Barkuss that she is.

Lyns, all you need to do now is paint your house blue (I'm sure Toad won't mind) and cover Jess in tin foil and you'll be just like the Time Lord himself.

Oh yeah, and I can verify that Lyns simply can't balance whatever position she's in. Even if she's strapped to a bed she manages to fall out (plus, make her laugh if she's standing up and she just collapses and becomes incontinent).

Finally, I too know a bloke who apparently shagged H from Steps, but frankly, I really couldn't care less.

*laughs*

I'm that bad? Sheesh, I need to buy me a SRIMEC like they have on Robot Wars, to keep me upright!

John, Jesso says it's hard to breathe through the tinfoil, any tips?

I suggest that you attach some breathing apparatus to her little black face, complete with miniature tank of oxygen strapped to her side. Then she really will be the Super Dog-o-Matic 4000!

Done and done!

I've modified her in other ways too. I've attached castors to her fuzzy black paws, and a jetpack. Man, she da main dog!

Have you noticed that digitiser is all skank-me-do this week?

Man, this dog can really move!

<twists Jessie's ears>

Hey, I can pick up Gemini FM!

Digi all skanked? How much so?

>
>Digi all skanked? How much so?

Speak English, damn you

Moc-moc-a-moc.

Cha nel mee toiggle

(That's the first time Manx Gaelic has been used on this forum, I'll warrant)








It means I don't understand

Moc-me-do-Oh-Lordy!


I've had the same Digi pages all week, with the exception of 2 hours of new stuff on wednesday night!

>Now you've outed yourself on the Forum, c@t, any Canal Street shennanigans you'd like to own up to?

You know on every internet thing this has happened - you will see what I mean in a sec..
I worked for CNN for 2 years without them realising, quite amusing when they found out though - I did however get demoted to an "Assistant host", grr those Americans..., anyway the point is, I have no "Canal Street shennanigans", to report as I'm 16 -- ((Indicates faster heartbeat and confusion from reader)) --
Why does everyone think im an adult... everyone at CNN told me to take it as a compliment that I was "so mature", mmm, don't think so.

RB, I need to know this...
What is the Isle of Man parliament called, its been getting to me all week.

Man, my Digi ain't skanked none. It's been fine all week, updated as ususal 1.10am every day!

Mind you, I have been ginned up good, maybe I imagined it all.

Still, I suggest you hit your telly, or better still, rub your Magnificent Breasts (tm) all over it. That'll cheer it up. Just have a cigarette ready for it.

Heehee, there's the dirty boy I married!

I think it's something to do with our new aerial. I can only get BBC South East teletext and ceefax, and I've had the same Digi all week!
It's Boys party for his 21st tonight, should be....er...a humiliating evening, but I'll cope, Pedro will be with me! Just got back from the seaside, it was hailstoning but rather marvellous, the sea is our ruler!

Yeah, the closest we get to the sea in Manchester is the Canal, but I don't recall the sea ever having so many McDonald's cups and used condoms in it. I did so enjoy the sea when I was home over Chrimbly. It's a powerful force, just like Sue Lawley.

How are you going to solve your Digi problem? It sounds a bit scary to me. They don't publish the regular stuff on the website, do they?

Well, I should be off into town. I just got a Game Boy half price from etoys.com (me and Sharkey bought one each to replace the one that was nicked) and I'm going to furnish it with some games.

Give Super-Labra-56 a kiss from me!

Love ya!

Urgh, my face is all Labraspitty now!

I saw an N64 for £30 in a shop in the Metrocentre the other day, I might treat myself to one next month. The same shop is selling all the games off for 10-15 quid. I'm never going to get my PS back from Si so I'll go one better, and just buy Goldeneye so I can shoot stuff BANG!
Digi is skanked, I may have to set fire to the house, not an ideal situation but ooooooh see the pretty flames!

>I may have to set fire to the house, not an ideal situation but ooooooh see the pretty flames!

Just go the whole way and burn the street, you could claim for earthquake damage or something then.
Don't suppose they sell Mario Kart in that shop do they? - I've been looking for that for at least 2 years.

Which version, the original or 64? You shouldn't have any trouble getting hold of the 64 version. And it is rather super.

<hurls a turtle shell>

I believe burning down your street is a good idea, Lyns. Then you can get rid of all your unwanted neighbours, and you can build a new kingdom. One with pipes all over the place.

Yup the 64 version - ill have a look in the ardale centre when I can be arsed to leave the house.
Mushrooms and pipes, if your going for the nintendo kingdom effect, and you would need a Princess, in a pink dress - can't think of anyone off hand, and Barbara Cartland is dead, although I did see her evil twin the other day - so you'd better get looking.
Of course you could always as Anne Diamond, she hasnt done much for a while.

Ugh, Anne Diamond, she a scary laydee.

I hope that shop does sell MK64, it's my whole reason for getting an N64.

Joooohn, guess what me and Pedro had at the party last night? One of them black jugs of stuff that me and you drank at The Dog that time! We drank sooooo much last night and couldn't get drunked. Grrr.
The street's burning nicely, and no-one suspects me at all, which is odd, as I videoed myself doing it all, with Sarah piping the soundtrack in on her car stereo. Thickos.

Well, your neighbours didn't seem to be the sharpest tools in the box from what I saw of them. Even more reason for burning them out of house and home!

I must say I haven't seen Mario Kart 64 around recently. But then, Nintendo's distributor in the UK (who won't be come March, huzzah) have been notoriously crap at actually distributing.

I did get a bag, T-shirt, pen and badge out of them, though.

#Left my soul there, down by the sea#

Why, oh why, are both the queers in the new series of Shipwrecked utterly unlikeable morons?

<sniff> Not a patch on lovely Will! Those were the days.

Haven't watched the new series yet, and that song just makes me feel really miserable! The place to watch Shipwrecked is on your bed, with a huge plate of hot mash burning my knee, and you mocking me for eating so slowly!!
I'll have to make the effort to tune in, I keep forgetting, d'oh!

Don't get Zelda whatever you do! - its a great game but it will make you sad :'(
I only found about 10 different N64 games in me local "GAME", and not an abundance of games in Liverpool either, I shall have to venture to the heights of Manchester, or better still I'm going to London, however the games will be at least £40 each, which is good value in the South, considering water is about £1 a glass.

Which Zelda are you on about? Both the N64 versions are great. Still haven't completed Majora's Mask, though. It's so much fun walking around town as a postman, checking all the letters, though.

As for Shipwrecked, yeah, it just doesn't feel the same watching it without mash and Lyns. Plus, the people in it aren't 'our' people, last year's people. 2000 was quite a year in lots of ways.

Yeah, 2000 was brilliant. I think we should set up a sort of 'Groundhog Day' situation, and make every year 2000! As for Shipwrecked, these things tend to lose their appeal. I doubt I'll watch Big Brother 2 either, not only because I watched nearly all of the first one with Jihn, and it won't be the same, but because these things can only really be done once, after that everyone knows what to expect, and it just gets crap!

Groundhog Day sounds good to me! Endless Strawberry Laces, mash, vodka and pipes!

Big Brother 2. Yeah, the whole appeal of the first one is that apart from a few weeks worth we watched it together. We mocked, laughed, mocked, cried and mocked through the entire summer, six weeks of unbeatable experiences. Plus...I now realise that I never want to set eyes on any of the BB1 contestants ever again. What a bunch of arseholes.

Yeah, that lot sure lost any appeal they might have had, but it was a laugh while it lasted!
oooh, Simon has a fabbb Bart Simpson cake for his birthday tomorrow, I WANT IT NOW!

Oh yeah, while it was on originally, BB was great fun. Now though, Channel 4 has to learn when to stop.

Bart Simpson cake? Just eat it, no-one will notice, I guarantee!

It's been on the table for two days, covered with a teatowel. It's massive, and it's mocking me with it's presence, Barty is calling to me, "Eat my face" and "Don't have a cake man!", gaaaaah!

Oooh, and C4's new rip off machine, E4, is showing 'Oz' from the beginning! It's the only programme worth watching on the whole damned channel, I'm taping it all, so next time we meet you'll be able to see all the bumsex and stabbings!

<drools> Mmm...bum sex and stabbings.

Is E4 free as long as you have digital? It's not a pay thing like Film Four surely? From what I've seen, I wouldn't need to tune in to E4 at all. Unless they put Futurama on there, of course.

It's free if you have certain packages, but we only pay 3 quids a month for all the primary channels so we get it, woohoo! (even though it is shite) The only channel I use really is Sky One, for The Simpsons, Futurama and King of the Hill.

>Which Zelda are you on about? Both the N64 versions are great. Still haven't completed Majora's Mask, though. It's so much fun walking around town as a postman, checking all the letters, though.

Now im being chased by an angry bee so I have to hurry but...
The Ocarina one, I haven't bought the new one, is it worth it?
And what is this postman lark? - I though it was all swords and dragonflies? I haven't read anything about it, but zelda games are always like that, being a postman sounds interesting, urinating through letterbox is not available I take it?

Well, when Mother and James get Sky Digital or whatever, I'll only be interested in Sky One, UK Gold and the Paramount Channel. They don't do gay porn on digital, do they? Oh yeah, and how's your Digitiser this week? Still skank-me-do or great-oh-lah?

c@t, it's definitely worth buying Majora's Mask, it was certainly the best game of last year (as voted for by Stuart Campbell, no less). It's got a Groundhog Day scenario, where you have a three day playing time, and after the three days are up, you have to warp back, and the people in the world do the same stuff, over and over again. You have to memorise their routines and actions to help them. There are also dungeons and things, of course. Plus, as I said before, you get to wear a postman's hat, and you can actually become a Deku Scrub, a Goron and a Zora. Oh yeah, and you can pick up little dogs and throw them into rivers and things. *And* there's a boat ride on which you can take photos of the scenery. It's aces!

Tsk, that last paragraph looked like something on Teletext with that big yellow sentence.

I was deeply disturbed when I learnt that the Zora Domain had frozen over, only to realise that by the end of the game the bloody thing hadn't thawed out - quite irritating, however, I should imagine it is great fun being a fish with wings, must look for that game, incidentally, has it got a good sound track? - the last one did.

I'm baaack! Hey....whaddya mean you didn't miss me? Send get well e-cards to [email protected], and any presents to my house, thank you!

Ugh, so how's every damn little person? It's Monty Burns night on Sky1 tonight, 2 hours of everyones favourite old man! Awww, I love Monty almost as much as I love John, in fact John, you're my Smithers! Exxxcccellent.

Monty is truly the best thing in The Simpsons. And are you ill? Or, more specifically, how ill are you at the moment?

The soundtrack to Majora's Mask is lovely, of course. The sound plays such a big part in the Zelda games, what with the Ocarina and the songs being so crucial. Plus, the Overworld theme is back...if that means anything to you.

Aaah, Monty Burns night is finished, I'll watch it laaaater!
I think I caught your fluuuey thing, and I have a viral infection in my ears and throat, and I've been referred to *another* specialist cos apparently my head is fusked up! Apparently the whole falling over/dropping stuff/not being able to see/vommming is now a cause for alarm, oh FINALLY! Heheh, how I loathe the medical profession.

I want an N64, I wannawannawanna, all I want is MK64, and Goldeneye, maybe Majoras Mask. John has converted me *laughs* he truly is NintendoZrrrlrrrrtBoy!

Ugh, I feel rooough!

Man, this new BTInternet Anytime thing is way faster than I feel it should be, and we get it for £9.99 till April, yowzah!

Ah, so the doctors have finally recognised you as a first class sick laydee, eh? Well, glad to see they're earning their money by diagnosing it about 13 years after it started! Lucky you haven't been injected in the spine.

Hey hey, the Sparkley family now have 2 N64s, I needed to buy my own after I gave my other one to James and buggered off to Manchester. I did get an orange one, I did. Next thing on my Super-Shopping-List-56 is a Game Boy Advance in July!

#Bing-bing-bong-bong-bing-bing-bong-bong SMASH#

I wish someone would inject me in the fucking spine, I think I'll jhave a target tattooed on!

Heheh, I neeeeeeeed an N64 NOW dammit. I have no money, but I start work in a week so in 5 weeks I'll get about 160 quid, enough for an N64, some games and a couple of DVDs, wazoo!
And, an Orange N64, isn't that a bit....erm....gay? Ugh, you're not a poof are you?

You not got any form of IM software on the PC you're using? I'm sooooo bored!

Yes, an orange N64 is delightfully garish and lovely.

I prefer the company of men, you see! I'm a ho...mo...sexual.

<screams>

You start back at work in a week, eh? What'll you be doing, the same as you did when you were there last? And you don't really wish you'd be injected in the spine...knowing your luck, they'd inject you with Super-Life-Lengthening-Juice, and you'd live to be about 689.

What IM things have you got? Gimme some screen names and bollocks like that and I'll see what I can do.

AAAAGH! I'd forgotten what today is! It's exactly a year since I came out! Woohoo!

Righto, AIM-Bintyboots, [email protected], ICQ 38869995.

I'm off for a baaath now, but let me know if you successfully add me to any lists *lol*

Moop, a year exactly? Oh yeah, because C4 were repeating QAF weren't they? Are you going to have a celebration? My Coming-Out Anniversary was in September 2000, but it passed without any parties or drinking! Wow...I've been out for about 17 months! We're so great!

Yeah, a year to the day I think! I can't skellybrate at the moment, but rest assured I will as sooon as I can! Waroooomo! We are truly greatuss, I think we should get together and party it up good styyyyle!

Aaaagh, Toad is off work sick tomorrow, skiving cow!

I'm back. No broken bones. Just sore toes from ill-fitting ski boot.

And this is what I have discovered:
Poofs love skiing. In a small pub in La Tanya three separate groups of English poofs eventually started talking to each other. In fact, talking is as far as it went. Apres ski was not pre-coital.

And we never got talking to the French ones, of whom I am sure there were many. In fact, one seemed to be rent.

And we even saw a lesbian. Playing pool. Cliche dyke, or what?

With my natural grace, poise and elegance, I was a whizz on the pistes.

Congrats on Coming Out anniversaries. I suppose mine's next month. Well, it will be a number of years since I told my fiance that we probably should cancel that wedding. A little traumatic. I did, however, tell her the truth . . . if a little late.
The church (yes, church) had been booked. The families had been told and the dress had even been bought.

Mind you, what she was going to wear I just don't know.

Oh, and c@t:
The Isle of Man has a tricameral parliamentary system. There's the House of Keys, the Legislative Council (the lower and upper houses) and Tynwald (when they meet together). With that knowledge, I hope you now can sleep soundly.

That should have read fianc�e. So yes, a female one.

*laughs*

You can't even *think* straight RB!

Welcome back! It's been pretty quiet around here of late, I think 90% of net users have become disillusioned and got a decent hobby instead! Not me though, I'm still here, wading through conspiracy theories and useless information until I find the secret of eternal happiness or wealth!


And, I can't play pool, I haven't the slightest idea how, although if all those lesbians can, I'm sure there's hope for me yet. Now, where did I put my racquet?

It involves balls love, you wouldn't like it! Having said that, I don't like it, because it's a sport. All sport is useless, not a patch on sitting on a bed with a lezzer watching videos and drinking voddy. Now *that's* a real good way to get healthy!

Welcome back RB. Marriage, eh? Scary. The only marriage I intend to participate in is one that doesn't involve sex, but does involve Mama Cass and a small child called Aspidistra.

Oh yeah, Lyns, I haven't been on the net all weekend because of Sharkey's birthday, during which the entire family visited, and I promptly made an arse out of myself by drinking all the vodka. I put my sister and Richard's girlfriend in a headlock, and then passed out on the landing, with just a beanbag for a pillow. I slept there all night.

Fal-doon!

*snigger*

Oh I can't wait to be married to you! Think of how entertaining our dinner parties would be eh? You, drunk in a corner, singing 'Living La Vida Loca' and me trying to pick a fight with a parrot, "Youuu think you're shooo shmart don't ya?" I'm sure the baby will grow up fine, RB and Boyfy can be it's godparents to ensure that it has a decent upbringing!

God knows it'll need it. Us two will just be mindless pissed every day and night, trying to fashion new galaxies out of red laces and putting the world to rights with a bottle of mash.

Mmmmmmmmm......MashBottles!

You're right you know, although it will teach the kid the dangers of over imbibing the old distilled potato juice. Mindless pissed? That's a Pauline-ism if ever I heard one, when I grow up I wanna be a restart officer, to provide for our little Aspi!

Is Aspi a boy or a girl? Or are you going to leave that sort of decision for him or her when he or she grows up?

I'd be proud to be a godfather. Except I don't actually believe in god. Doesn't seem to matter though. I've got three godsons already.

Just call me The Fairy Godfather.

It gets bloody expensive at Christmas, though.

And while you're vodka-soaked I can be gin-soaked.
A few years ago, I drank so many Bloody Marys one afternoon in the British Hotel in Douglas that I vommed all over the men's toilet, making it a sea of red and unusable. Unfortunately, it was only 6.30pm on a Friday.
Haven't touched vod since.
Boyfy's under doctor's orders not to drink - making him the perfect Boyfy. Who'll drive us to the pub? Oh, thanks again Boyfy!

I blame tomato juice for making you ill. I'm under Herr Doktors orders not to drink too, but..errr...I have to!

Aspi will be allowed to choose whether it is a boy or girl when it is 18, until then it will have an indeterminate (ie. 'mullet') haircur, and wear a potato sack. It won't need presents, ever, we are raising an anti-consumerism child. We won't ever talk to it, it will have to contact us via email or ICQ. Lucky lucky baby!

None of these so called 'products' for our child. It can just watch as me and Suiii spend all our benefit money on voddy, DVDs, games and party poppers.

#I'm the gin in the gin soaked boy...the gin soaked boy#

Oh yeah, and as I wrote that 'mindless pissed' thing, I just *knew* you'd know where it came from!

"You work-shy set of bastards!"

"You bone idle cu..."

None of society's mind warping things for our baby. As it watches us, shouting and screaming in a belligerent drunken fashion at the TV, through the gap under it's bedroom door it will learn how to speak. It's first words will be "UGGGH UGLY MAAAAN!". It will feast on rolled up balls of Smash, and Tango and Pepsi, with the labels taken off. It's playthings will be a pen, a cushion, and a blank video tape.

"What about education?" I hear RB ask. Well, everything Aspi learns will be from either the Midday Money phone-in or The Weakest Link. Jessie may choose to teach her things, but as her Governess that's entirely at her discretion.

We're gonna be GREAT parents!

Yepper, and no other child will grow up with the knowledge that our Aspi will gain from the two most learned TV shows on earth!

We're going to be so proud! We'll show it off at fetes and fairgrounds, chasing it in the Dodgems as it runs away as fast as its little legs will carry it. 100 points for a direct hit!

>Yepper, and no other child will grow up with the knowledge that our Aspi will gain from the two most learned TV shows on earth!

Ready Steady Cook and Changing Rooms?

Whilst pleased you came out of your little excursion without a problem, I was not so fortunate, and fell 15 foot onto a pointy rock, however, no broken bones, as yet.

>and the dress had even been bought.

*laughs*, I went to a wedding once, never again though, and considering they split up after a good couple of weeks, I had pretty much made up my mind, although I would love to see one of these new fangled "gay weddings" in Holland, oh the joy... Do you think one of them wears a dress or not?
And Suiii, your best using AOL IM for babies, the noises provide intense mental stimulation, so im told.

Pointy rocks? Ouch!

Maybe you're right, AIM might be best for the little chap/ette while it's young. We can take it to fairgrounds and gay bars for it's social education. We'll also play 'Survival', where we drive it into some woods, and make it find its own way home within 72 hours or it'll be severely punished by having to watch 'Holby City'. That'll teach it. Grrr.

Don't diss Holby City. It's truly the best BBC Tuesday night drama show based in a hospital and starring that one who used to cut hair in Coronation Street. Nothing else comes close.

You're OUR child now, Aspi!!!!MWAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!!

I think we should ask the Kilshaws where we can get a nice baby from!

If the rumours are true, and they obviously aren't, then Mrs Kilshaw should be able to magic you a baby, with her witchcraft!
And better still you could play, Castaway, i.e. you put it on an island in the middle of nowhere, like the Azores, in the middle of the Atlantic, and then leave it there for a year or so.
It could be fully educated by, The Learning Zone, Open University and BBC Bitesize, and don't buy a video recorder for it, so it has to wait up all night to watch them, therefore resulting in total mental fatigue, eventually leading to failure in everything and a sad and unhappy life.

You're a cat after our own hearts! Hey John, who would've thought that there were more people just as evil as us!

And, of course, if you ever got REALLY (and I do mean REALLY) hungry . . .

I hear babymeat (the other, other white meat) tastes just like chicken! Mmmmmmm, Toddler Tikka Madras!

It is heartening to know that there are others as unhinged as us, my love.

We could also paint it bright orange and make it walk around supermarkets carrying a basket of plums.

And place a garland of sardines on its head, and sprinkle it with sour sugar.

Just think if everyone was like us, aaahhhh blissful!

Bah. It's shite watching Shipwrecked on me own. It should be a group viewing experience, balancing a plate of hot mash on my knees while being mocked solidly because it takes me half an hour to eat the damned stuff. Even seeing the little poof complaining about a lack of cheese (you lot are all the same!!) can't make it better! That dyke is horrid isn't she? Ugh, lezzers *shudders*

I'm busy filling CDs with MP3s before Napster becomes a fee paying service! Vive La Piracy!

Yep, this Shipwrecked bunch are a horrible lot. That lezzer is atrocious, she really needs a punch in the face.

Plus, as you so rightly point out, watching it alone is pointless. It needs to be mocked from every angle.

And what's with that ugly Australian bloke? What a twat.

"Muh. I gonna build a lickle hut and live in it"
Wankpiece! It truly does deserve a thorough mocking, the likes of which can only be delivered by two vodka soaked, potato stuffed queers with a deep seated hatred of idiots. It's not the same watching videos without thinking "Oh God, that mad neighbour man could be outside the window planning to kill us again" or "Why does eating tube after tube of s&V Pringles make my mouth bleed so much?". My favourite thought though had to be "I wonder if I'll make it down the stairs in one piece...maybe I should just stay on John's bed for 3 days where it's safe" Waheeeeeeeeey!

Ive always wanted to live in a kennel, the one from Snoopy looked quite wonderful.
There is nothing worse than eating salt and vinegar crisps and having chapped lips.

When I was 13 I was *desperate* for my own shed. I was going to live in it and everything.

Salt and vinegar Pringles can transport you to new heights of agony, especially if they're all you've eaten all week!

Grazing one's knee *can* be worse than S&V Pringles bleeding gums.

Ooooh yeah, especially if you land on gravel, get bits of it embedded in your knees and spend 4 f*&!ing hours at the hospital getting it tweezed out, uggh! Yet it's still strangely preferable to spending yet another day with my mother who is off work sick this week. She went back today and I thought "Great, at least I can get 2 lie-ins this week" oh no such fucking luck. She came back at quarter to ten and promptly turfed me from my lovely warm bed. I feel distinctly unhappy.

Eat your mother.

Ugh, she's ginger you know!

Me and John thought of various ways to kill her at the end of '99, but none of them worked particularly well. Anyway, to spite her I've decided to spend 100 quid of todays 'Sick-me-do-Nash-oh' on pizza, which I shall feed to the millions of pigeons in my street! Doo dooo-doo!

Pigeons are bad. They will peck out your eyes and pretend they thought they were anchovies. But it is only pretend. Don't trust them.

You could, however, smother your mother in tomato puree, Kraft Dairylea and artichokes.

And for a few little special extras, pop along to Alder Hey.

<sniff>

There's *still* a Lynsey shaped dent in my bed, you know. But I'm not man enough to fill it!

The Toad is still off work? You have my full sympathy. I remember what she was like on those days...creeping into the room and tickling me and stuff. Just put her into the downstairs toilet and seal it shut.

Someone will find her in a few thousand years time, and she'll be a treasure!

><sniff>
>
>There's *still* a Lynsey shaped dent in my bed, you know. But I'm not man enough to fill it!

I would think nothing short of a skip full of concrete would fill that dent!

*huggle*

I lost it with Toad tonight. Sarah was here because I'd been checking her bank balance online for her, and we were going shopping so I could get some black work trousers, and Toad was just saying stupid things and basically slagging me off which she thought was hilarious, so I screamed "OI, GOBSHITE, SHUT IT!". Heehee, she went ballistic! Sarah was trying not to piss herself laughing, and I was saying "Well I'm sorreeeeee if that isn't cricket mother" *laughs* you'd have been proud!

Got MBB series 6 DVD for £12 in HMV, I only need 2 and 3 now. I got a little Cookie Monster keyring, and bought Sarah an Elmo, and for some reason I bought a Ginsters pastie in Superdrug (???) I need the steadying influence of a big poof! Your once every 4 minute "must have food" breaks stopped me from doing too much shopping at once!

There's the Ms Lesbian UK contest at the Green Room, Manchester, on March 3.
Categories: Butch, femme, drag, fetish and couples.

Nothing for Magnificent Breasts� though.

Get your tits out for the girls.

Lyns, I've been ahunting for Morgans Computers in Manchester.

Found nowt.

I can't find your original posting. I have remembered it right, haven't I?

I'm so in debt now I might as well go for the sheep. As in be hung for one rather than a lamb.

Top tip: Kellogg's Real Fruit Winders. They take junk sweets on to a new level.
It's a giant sweet about 3ft long wound round some grease-proof paper which has a cartoon strip on it. The cartoon seems to be about burping, and episode one is called "Orange Blabber's windy wind-up"

"Unwind the fruit fun forever"

AFAIK the Morgan shop is in Piccadilly. They have a superinterwebnet thing at http://www.morgancomputers.co.uk. The last flyer I got, about 2 weeks ago, had some nice end of line Hewlett Packards, and some e-Machines PCs too. One is a 566 and comes with a CD-Writer and is about £580 with the vat added.
Also, I'm popping into Staples in a few hours to sign all the paperwork ready for starting back tomorrow, apparently they have some good offers on at the mo' too. I think the nearest branch to you is at the Deva Centre in Salford.

Those fruity things sound fantastic! When I was at Johns we used to buy about 3 packets of red laces each every day and twist them all together and just chew on them for hours! I shall have to hunt them down...

As for that Lesbian Contest thing, it sounds v.v. scary! Not sure if I'd want to get them out for those lasses <laughs>

( . )( . )

Mmm...red laces. I don't eat them normally, just when you're here! But those new things do sound rather nice, RB. As long as they're not healthy, that wouldn't do at all.

Huzzah, you start back at work tomorrow, eh? You'll be manager before you know it! The Staples in Sunderland will have a member of staff who actually knows their stuff once more! I keep meaning to pop into the new one in Torquers...then I realise I don't want to.

"When I grow up, I want to be a principal or a caterpillar"

>I think the nearest branch to you is at the Deva Centre in Salford.
>

On commission? I am addicted to stationery shops, actually. Hmmmm.... When I die I want it to be in Paperchase.

Boyfy loves the said Staples, though. Can't get enough OHP thingies, and I pretend I don't want to go in. But I am strangely drawn to virtually everything in there. In fact, I get a bit of a stiffy sometimes. Lovely colours. Try out all the office furniture and rub myself up and down it . . .

Next time I'm in the NE, we could go to Sunderland's very own . . .

Thanks for the computer info.

I too am addicted to stationery, ever since I was a small child I used to spend all my pocket money on pens and erasers and things, and Staples is strangely addictive. 3 of my mates who I talked to today actually left and then went back while I was away! They have a nice HP PC in for £699 but I didn't get to look at it. If you ever pop into the sunderland one feel free to rub yourself against the chairs, I always do!

Or, just rub yourself against anything, be it in Staples or even in the street.

You might get arrested, but it's a small price to pay for a leg covered in lovely spunk (this may not apply to Lyns).

Ewww. I'll cover myself with glitter instead!

Ooo, I too am addicted to stationary, in particular attractive pens.
I think my pencil case is worth at least £60.
I have an addiction to WHS. I recon I could have bought the entire stationary section if I ever used my clubcard, I have an office world convieniently located 5 mins away, and they are opening an "Outlet" stationary store on the Cheshire Oaks Outlet Village, so lots of stationary cheap.
Partners is also good, as they have EVERYTHING in plant pots.
I was tormented by a set of "Zebra Highlighters" once, VERY dangerous.
I could have sworn they hypnotised me into buying them... evil things

knockers

NAME YOURSELF!!! -
We'll have none of your anonimity (ive spelt that wrong) around here!
"This is a local thread, for local people, we'll have no trouble here"

You tell 'em!

Ooooer, T minus 9 hours and counting!

Tsk, you lesbian bint, you're a workaholic! From what I know so far, your first day back is fine, apart from your feet. Get Toad to rub them for you when you get home!

It seems that all of us in here have some sort of addiction to pens and things. I'm not as mad about stationery as I once was though: I now own 3 pens and a pad of paper. In my school days, I used to be the one who everybody came to to borrow everything you could possibly think of. I never needed half of it, either.

Yee haa!
First message from my e-machine, bought today at Morgan Computers.

They are 775 pounds richer thanks to Lyns!

Beats stationery addictions every time.

Make sure you get yourself a virus program Mr B, you can never be too careful... well you can, and then you end up crashing EVERYTHING, ah well.
E-Machine, what a novel name that is!
Try www.grisoft.com and download their AVG antivirus prog. Personally I use Norton but if you have just spent 700 squids on a PC you dont want go out and buy a virus prog for £25.
Happy Computing!

Glad you like it Mr RB! I told you you'd get sorted there. Cat's right too, AVG antivirus is brilliant, much better than McAfee Pro which I paid (nicked) 80 quid (from my shop) for!

My feet are soooooooo sore! I was OK till I sat down, then when I stood up it was agony! It was great though, I was vile to the customers, I wasn't wearing proper uniform either, I wore my fave red jumper, my black jeans and my new black trainers! Oh yeah, and my new black cap with a massive 'hidey undery' peak!!
It was ace, I got hugged to death, and everyone was really cool, and chuffed that they've now got a minority mate! Apparently they all knew too, and when they found out last year it was no surprise to any of them, heheh!

Oh yeah, and when one customer asked me what I'd been doing I said "Nurses mainly" *laughing*

Talking of clothes, I bought a rather nice top from the outlet village the other day, nothing wrong with it, just...
Its last seasons
*fits*

Being witty is great fun, on the radio the other day they were talking about a black waiter, who was a little bit camp...
Woman asked him for coffee, he said what sort, she said "I'd like one like my waiter" (meaning black) - to which he replied, im sorry ma'am we don't do gay coffee. lol

I was once asked by a chemistry teacher whilst he was telling me off for dissolving my pen in acid, "What year are you in??!" - , to which I retorted "2000... how about you?"

I was always in bother at school for being a mouthy little get basically! I was very nasty to a student teacher who once said "The day I see you do any work pigs will fly" to which I replied "Yes, that's because I'll have thrown you out of the window". Another fantastic moment was when I was having a slight altercation with my English teacher (who I absolutely adored and respected very much, he's the best teacher ever) who was basically telling me to 'straighten up and fly right', and I just said "Well Sir, you know what they say, those who can *do* and those who can't *teach*" What a wicked cow I am!

Today was an example of my finest work, a 'chip fat warrior' (Suiii parlance for 'stinking commoner') came up to me and said "I'd like to learn that HMTL (yes I know) thing, and de (he was a thick Geordie) Java and that like" and quick as a flash, before I even realised I'd said it I shot back with "And I'd like to be stranded on a desert island with the Maxim calendar girls but some things just aren't meant to be!"

Heeheehee! Everyones favourite minority Staples associate!

And mine too.


Just been to a party in unfashionable north Manchester. I accidentally set my own hair on fire (this is true) with the candlabra with real candles that my friends own. They are very short and I am 6'3''

Oh, where is the inches symbol on this American keyboard?

Anyway, I smelt and smell terrible afterwards. And they I opened some blackcurrant-flavored fizzy water from Sainsbury's that went all over my best red T-shirt (first outing today)

I've not been on the Internet pissed before. This is bloody hard work.

Oooh, typing in a bedrunkified state is tricky, but you're holding together well! When I had really long hair I accidentally set it alight when i was at Butlins, I leaned too close to the cooker and had to run outside and stick my head in a paddling pool! It was a lucky escape, I was wearing a shellsuit at the time, I coulda been toast!

Inches symbol....er...where the '@' normally is? or just go into the control panel and set up your KB as 'British' or do you mean that the actual layout is a US one?

Well, I changed it to British and got £ rahter than the hash symbol on Shift3. And then I tried to get double quotes and, low and behold, shift2 gives me ". You're a darling, Lyns and no mistake.

No I'm looking for some decent porn.

Now, not no.

I was on work experience for a couple of weeks as a teacher.
Unfortunatly I was placed within the special needs dept. with children with attention deficit disorder.
Oh yay, the entire class staged a walkout whilst I was in the middle of talking, very demoralising.
Plus, this little brat was talking in assembly, tutut me thinks to myself, so over I go to have a word, "Are you going to sing this song or am I going to send you to Mr Kelp?" (headteacher), to which this tiny 7 year old replied, "no im not you stupid fuck."
I virtually exploded and brought the assembly to an abrupt halt, I was shouting for a good 2 mins - until my voice collapsed and I just pointed to the door.
I was being a wee bit of a hypocrite, in that I couldnt be arsed singing "Autumn Leaves" either, but that's not the point.
I was never invited back into assembly... wonder why?
I seem to remember a very attractive, young, P.E. teacher at that school. hmph!

I was on work experience for a couple of weeks as a teacher.
Unfortunatly I was placed within the special needs dept. with children with attention deficit disorder.
Oh yay, the entire class staged a walkout whilst I was in the middle of talking, very demoralising.
Plus, this little brat was talking in assembly, tutut me thinks to myself, so over I go to have a word, "Are you going to sing this song or am I going to send you to Mr Kelp?" (headteacher), to which this tiny 7 year old replied, "no im not you stupid fuck."
I virtually exploded and brought the assembly to an abrupt halt, I was shouting for a good 2 mins - until my voice collapsed and I just pointed to the door.
I was being a wee bit of a hypocrite, in that I couldnt be arsed singing "Autumn Leaves" either, but that's not the point.
I was never invited back into assembly... wonder why?
I seem to remember a very attractive, young, P.E. teacher at that school. hmph!

Netscape 6 does not like this forum....

>Well, I changed it to British and got £ rahter than the hash symbol on Shift3. And then I tried to get double quotes and, low and behold, shift2 gives me ". You're a darling, Lyns and no mistake.
>

You see, I'm more than just a prett.....oh wait, that's John I'm thinking of! Heheh.
I once had a twat of a customer who'd set his PC up wrong and assigned a US kb layout to his PC, so I changed it quickly while he wasn't looking, et voila, one customer who now believes he is mentally ill!!

Hehehehehe

You're like the airline baggage person I knew who deliberately sent luggage to Hong Kong while the travellers were bound for New York. But only if they annoyed her first. It's called a "coping mechanism".

And John! pretty? That's not quite how I imagined him.

John! Show us your Gaydar profile.

*laughs* I have soooo many coping mechanisms. Men who come in bragging about the large collection of pirate software and porn on their PCs often return to find that "it was infected with many viruses and had to be reformatted" or blokes who buy PCs 'for the internet' and are told "Be careful Sir, we have to pass the name and address of every modem owner to the police. When you sign up with an ISP they get your unique ID from the police and use it to track you".
Aaaaaaaaaaaah the gullible public!

John is absolutely stunning, an old website of mine http://website.lineone.net/~djboy/ pays homage to his beauty, he's the one on the the left BTW. The pictures are a little bit shite but you get the idea!!

Who's that one with his arms round John! ?
*snigger*

That's the very sexy Mr Snowy. There's a little snowy too but he was sitting on my knee when I took the picture! I'm ashamed to admit that the Snowies suffered some horrific torture at my hands. I was forever kicking them out of the bed in my sleep, and they'd invariably land in the bin which was always full of boooze bottles!
Oh yeah, and they're *reaaaally* comfy to lie on!

Blurry and hazy. Just like when I'm most likely to meet him. Down The Canal.

And no. They were not separated at birth. Their likeness is not uncanny. In fact I suppose it must be canny.

You *really* need to sit with him for a few weeks, and you'll realise just how much he looks like her! Granted, she is a lot butcher than him, and he's better looking, but in the flesh the resemblance is spooky! In fact, a few of the Newcastle Lesbians mistook him for Mel C at Tyne Pride, and they begged to see her tattoos. He soon solved the problem by whipping his cock out, it was soon after that that the rumours about Mel's sexuality started in the media! Her chinese 'friend' Ying Yau? That was me! My eyes looked funny in the pic because I was squinting at the bright light, when people asked me who I was and what Mel C (Johnny S) was doing I was so drunk that all I could say was "fffffffffffffYiiiiing Yaaaaaaaaauw! geerrrr yer baaaasstard". See, another celebrity rumour cleared up!

>Newcastle Lesbians

Arg! -- *runs away* --

Believe me, I'm just as scared as you are!

So where are you on the old butch/femme continuum? Scale of one to ten.

Ten - so butch you're stuffed by the Natural History Museum as evidence of the missing link

One - so femme and light and girly that you have never made your own way into a packet of crisps without assistance - and you giggle a lot.


































I tell you mine later.

Well John's a 2. As for me I'm a creature of conflicts. I love nail varnish, expensive perfumes, cuddly aminals, teddy bears etc. I cry like a baby at sad films, and have been known to cry at adverts (no, really!) I'm obsessed with lovely shoes and sparkly things. I was really feminine looking untill about 18 months ago, big heeled shoes, waist length hair, girly clothes, the lot but that went out the window when I got sick, baaah! I can cook well, and I love mucking about in the kitchen (I just can't tidy up!)
On the more blokey side of things I adore gadgets of all kinds, I can drink my own weight in any alcholic drink and not even get tipsy (99% of the time) Give me a computer and I'll spend hours with it, if it's broke I can fix it, I can operate virtually any electrical item straight out of the box with no instructions, but put me in the same room as anyone under 18 and I panic and start to feel really sick!! Physically I'm pretty strong, I used to open all of John's bottles for him!

So I'd say I'm really in the middle, I'm certainly not 'butch', that whole thing terrifies me! I'm sure John will tell you what happens if an insect comes near me, I nearly put the poor boy through a window in my haste to escape a wasp in the summertime!

Doncha just hate it when people refuse to live up to stereotypes and you have to alter your view of the world?

Pesky well-rounded individuals!

When I came out, I soon went out and bought a closet full of checked shirts (it was the mid-90s), Levi's 501s, got my hair cut short and lost two stone.
But, to my great surprise, I didn't suddenly become an expert in interior design. And I didn't feel the urge to buy a cat, learn how to arrange flowers, find 101 things to do with sundried tomatoes and pinenuts.

But here is a generalisation, gay men are more camp than they think they are. So if I put myself at a six, maybe there's a bit of self-delusion there. On the other hand, maybe I'm really self-aware.

PS The checked shirts found a new home in Oxfam some time ago.

Last night as my brother was about to go out he asked my mother if is white shirt was ironed, she said no. How about his blue shirt then? No, in the wash. She then ventured that his checked shirt was hanging over the landing bannister and he said (extremely quickly considering he's so thick) "Sorry, I didn't realise I'd warped back to 1997"

Back to the whole queeer thing, it really puzzles me because I like girls, I don't want to go out with someone who looks like a big bloke (not that I can afford to be fussy) and it's *extremely* confusing when I'm out and I'm talking to someone and I don't know what the hell they are! Am I talking to a tomboyish lesbian or a boyish poof? Even more confusing are the drag types, "Ooh look, she looks just like Britney! Wait....shit! Isn't that Wayne who works in McDonalds?" All this weird gender bending is sooo confusing!

My God, you've been busy. You've gotten all the dull computer talk out of the way, you've spoken of past teachers, and the photo of me and Snowy has been doing the rounds.

So, to that, I have only one thing to say:

RB, meet you Down The Canal tonight at 10pm.

Only joking of course. I'd never do something like that. Would I? I *was* stalked again on Saturday, round the Torquay coastline by some 50 year old poof who wanted to take me into the toilets and give me a seeing to. Pfft. I always seem to get stalked when I go back to Torquers, be it by little girls, gay couples or old men.

And Newcastle lezzers are indeed frightening. I even got on the back of one of them as she ran around the city centre. That was shortly before your trousers fell off, Lyns! *laughs*

*hysterical*

Was that the same night? Oh yeah, thingummy carried you back from Heavens Above to Rooby Frootz, and then when we left Roobys my jeans fell off! Heehee what a sight! A silly lezzer running desperately to catch the last bus, with her lanky poof hanging onto the waistband of her jeans to prevent any further indiscretions, as 5 policemen look on astounded! I love you John!! *laughs*

On the subjects of insects I have "motophobia" i.e. a fear of moths.
I actually passed out whilst trying to dispense of a tiny weeny moth.
I put the cup over it, then the paper under it and then fell over, dropped the cup, the moth went down shirt sleve (not a dream) I tried for about 10 seconds to get it out but failed and just was so scared, I was sweating and just passed out!!
Unfortunatly the moth was still there in the morning, the shirt was soon destroyed.
I did have hypnotherapy which, turned into a disaster and I was under some spell thing for 2 hours...grr.
And it didnt work
I am also very scared indeed of ghosts.

And Newcastle lezzers...

Thank Heaven I'm not from newcastle or I'd start to feel paranoid!

My friend Sarah also has a pathological fear of moths, and indeed anything else that has wings. I once pushed her through a throng of pigeons and she cried for hours!!

While we're swapping insect stories . . .

My friend Joanne (paranoid of anything small and airborne) once rang me because there was a bee in her house.

I had to drive five miles there to get rid of it. She threw the keys to the locked house out of an upstairs window and warned me it was on the little ledge on the window on the front door.

Gingerly, I unlocked the door and went in. I picked up a newspaper to hit it, but when I hit it, it just fell to the floor. It was DEAD already.

Anyway, back to the checked shirts and Lyns' brother. I am shocked. How old is he? Call me an old-fashioned unreconstructed feminist if you like, but why the hell can't he iron his own shirt?

And I never get stalked. Not fair.

Too busy chatting to my trendy Granny to get Down The Canal. Another time. Now I know to look for Mel C . . .

While we're swapping insect stories . . .

My friend Joanne (paranoid of anything small and airborne) once rang me because there was a bee in her house.

I had to drive five miles there to get rid of it. She threw the keys to the locked house out of an upstairs window and warned me it was on the little ledge on the window on the front door.

Gingerly, I unlocked the door and went in. I picked up a newspaper to hit it, but when I hit it, it just fell to the floor. It was DEAD already.

Anyway, back to the checked shirts and Lyns' brother. I am shocked. How old is he? Call me an old-fashioned unreconstructed feminist if you like, but why the hell can't he iron his own shirt?

And I never get stalked. Not fair.

Too busy chatting to my trendy Granny to get Down The Canal. Another time. Now I know to look for Mel C . . .

While we're swapping insect stories . . .

My friend Joanne (paranoid of anything small and airborne) once rang me because there was a bee in her house.

I had to drive five miles there to get rid of it. She threw the keys to the locked house out of an upstairs window and warned me it was on the little ledge on the window on the front door.

Gingerly, I unlocked the door and went in. I picked up a newspaper to hit it, but when I hit it, it just fell to the floor. It was DEAD already.

Anyway, back to the checked shirts and Lyns' brother. I am shocked. How old is he? Call me an old-fashioned unreconstructed feminist if you like, but why the hell can't he iron his own shirt?

And I never get stalked. Not fair.

Too busy chatting to my trendy Granny to get Down The Canal. Another time. Now I know to look for Mel C . . .

So good he said it thrice!

Our Boy is 21, yes you heard right. I refer to him as 'Precious' because he doesn't have to do *anything*. Is he turfed out of bed before 10am on weekends no matter what time he got in? NO Does he have to cook for everyone else? NO! Does he ever do anything except sleep for 18 hours at a time? NO!

And he smells, and he's straight, and he's stupid. Heheh, BAD BOY!

Oh yeah, and I'm absolutely shit scared of dead spiders. Really *shudders*

I don't know what happened there. Over-eager to post I reckon. Hand must have still been shaking from http://www.wankyourselfintooblivion.com

Hey ho.

My younger bro is just the same. Except my mother does occasionally make him iron the odd shirt. He never mows the lawn, though. I used to when I lived at home. But he just stays in bed with his girlfriend until Popstars comes on.

And mum just goes on at ME about his lethargy. Shouldn't have spoilt him, say I.

you think thats bad, the pigeon thing I mean.
my sister, who is also *straight* caught a moth, threw it at me whilst l was in the bathroom and held the.door so I could not escape - evil bitch.
I also cannot be in the same room as someone chopping apples - the sound actually scares me to death.

Exactly! My parents will moan about how he does nothing, or how disrespectful he is, but it's their fault! He has no concept of consequences because whatever he does they don't punish him. He's ruined about 300 quids worth of my CDs by using them (without my permission) when he's DJing, he used to steal money from me, but they didn't stop him!! I love him to bits really, he's what they made him, but he doesn't half piss me off!

Heheheh, Johns older brother is convinced that gaydar isn't real! He thinks we made it up over tea one night to confuse and bewilder him, like naughty little monkeys! To prove that it was real and not a joke we made him drive around Torquay while we pointed loads of poofs and lezzers to him. More than once he almost crashed because he stuck his head out of the window to get a better look behind him, going "WHERE???? TELL ME!!!" Heheheh.

>I also cannot be in the same room as someone chopping apples - the sound actually scares me to death.

I can't be in the same room as someone eating apples, crisps or anything cruchy. It makes me physically sick. Same goes for people who slurp at food or drinks, it sends me into an incandescent rage which usually leads to me screaming things like "EVEN IF I TRY, I CAN'T MAKE A NOISE THAT LOUD OR DISGUSTING, HOW ARE YOU DOING IT YOU HEAAAAATHEN?"

I have to eat in a separate room from my dad and brother who eat with their mouths open. At sunday dinner yesterday my dad was not only doing all of the aforementioned, but he has a cold so he was snuffling as well. By the end of the meal I'd moved about 3 feet up the table!

ggrr Sky News has changed all its presenters - how annoying...
The morning co-presenter has.moved to 8-12pm poor sod.
But Sky is 12 yrs old today!
you know Suiii I was once trusted with computers, however, I went to my mums friends to set up mates house to simply set up an email address.
She.only had IE4 so I thought I would just set up Ie5 on it to get her up to date.
However, during a moment of stupidity I decided that I would create a registry backup just as the thing started to install, sadly I broke the computer, although I did manage to spend 2 hours fixing it over the phone - explaining to a daft blonde how to reinstall windows 98 is not my idea of fun.

Loads of poofs and lezzers in Torquay?

Thought they had better taste.

(Prepares to be swiped about the head by John!)

Anyway, I was going to invite you all around for a lovely crisp-and-apple-and-plegm fondue evening. Looks like I needn't bother.

Cat, don't your paws make computering a bit difficult? I have to explain to blondes (and worse) every day how to reinstall stuff that they deleted because "I wanted to see what happened" AAAAGH!

Mmmm, as *delightful* as your fondue sounds RB I'll give it a miss seeing as you haven't included any coffee to be noisily sluuuurped!

Full of them, it is. I can't go anywhere back home without either being followed by, or following, some lovely queer. But it's not my fault, it's because there's about 3000 gay hotels and things. Gets cold hanging around outside them, too.

There's also a lot of cruising areas for what is a rather small town. It's all holiday makers after a bit of cock, seemingly.

And yes, it was Nadia/Sue who gave me the piggy back from Heaven to Rooby. I've never felt so dirty in my life. Riding a woman indeed. Yuck. Plus, the image of me and you running for the train station, me with my hands in your trousers, you flapping about trying not to trip up, will stay with me forever, I'm pleased to say!

What a bloody great summer that was.

It truly was amazing! We really need to hook up again in the summer if possible and carry on our kerazeee adventures! Unless.....you're getting a job or something?

*pisses self*

Believe me...I'm way ahead of you, babe!

I'm also going to be making a trip to Hadfield, having discovered it's a tiny train journey from me. Fancy coming, Miss Minge?

Oooh yeah that sounds very jolly! I intend leaving my place of employ in early June, a fact that the Toad is completely unaware of, so that I can spend the entire summer going on holidays (3 so far, one with Simon and Sarah, one with Sarah and her sisters and one with Toad and Stevie!), visiting lovely poofs, and lying in bed while my beloved doggly barks to get my attention!

Then, in about October, I'll ask for my job back!

Wahey, you're in for a summer of Sam (fun).

I can't wait to go to Hadfield, behaving like a twat down Bummer's Alley.

Speaking of Sam, have you seen the 'Summer of Sam' film? *yaaaaaaaaawn* I couldn't stay awake!

I want to get married in Bummers Alley *laughs* Bernice could conduct the service, mickey could be the best man and Pauline can be bridesmaid!!

Oh man, can we can we can we can we can we? Please?

Hillary Briss can supply us with the buffet, of course, and The Dentons can provide us with little magic Toads to sing us down the aisle!

I want to come and make amusing farty noises with my hand under my armpit.

OoooOOOoooh! Tubbs can bring the party favours, Edward can sing 'Ave Maria' as we walk down Bummers Alley, Babs can sing at the disco and Herr Lipp can just....be there!

It does make typing increadibly difficult being a cat, however, I have evolved so I can use a special pawboard.
My fellow felines are so jealous, I will never tell them how to type and talk to you humans!
I have also mastered handwriting recognition.
And blonde women are thickos.
My father also eat with mouth open, which amount with me shouting loudly and marching out of the room.
My teacher when she was talking to me yesterday was cutting an apple right next to me and I sort of squinted and winced away like a hermit crab, she looked quite concerned - in particularly when I grabbed the knife and put it to my thro...| oops. you weren't supposed to know about that.

>My father also eat with mouth open, which amount with me shouting loudly and marching out of the room

I have not however mastered grammar at this primitive stage!

Still pretty good for a four legger though!

I do a lot of screaming if my family are being pigs. They think I'm unreasonable but I care not a jot what those lesser mortals think. They were eating toffees the other day and I started to shake, then I did the usual "AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH I'm going upstairs for a lie down"

Soon I will kill them all......


Whooops! did I say that out loud?

Have the day off tomorrow, to do nothing at all! hurrah!
Just think, I can watch This Morning and GMTV, oh hurray!
The room I am in smells strangely of fish....
Im concerned.
I expect it is my parents trying to poison me again.

Ewwww! Kill your parents with a sharp stick!

I only work Saturdays so technically I have every day off, it's boring though. I think I might take up a hobby, scuba diving or rabbit fishing!

GMTV?

It's your day off, cat.

Stay in bed. Unless you're wanting a sort of DIY lobotomy. (A very good friend of mine who's just phoned up works as a producer for GMTV and would probably agree with that statement.)

Anyway, if you go to school how come you get a day off? Or have I misunderstood?

And . . . scuba diving? With those breasts? Bye, bye East Anglia.

>And . . . scuba diving? With those breasts? Bye, bye East Anglia.
>

Heheheh, you're right actually! I was surface diving in Gokova one year and they hit the bottom before I did! *snigger*

I don't think I've seen GMTV more than twice, and I didn't understand what was happening at all.

You watching that 'Boy Meets Girl' thing?? Weiiiiiiird! I'm taping it to flog to some Americans, and it's certainly challenging. The gay guy isn't half pissing me off though, I'd like to strangle him with his fucking ponytail!

Started watching and then decided to play with my new toy instead (i.e. the computer).

That bit about stuffing your testicles up your groin sounded odd. Not for any pervy reason, I'd like to have seen it to see what they actually meant.

Saw the socks down the pants bit in the preview for the women's part. Be honest, what man hasn't done that? John! and cat have both been there I'll wager.

Gay bloke is annoying. He's called Blaine, so he's off to a bad start.

I'd shag the big black bloke though. Forgotten his name. Doubt he'll make a convincing laydee.

>Started watching and then decided to play with my new toy instead (i.e. the computer).
>

Oooer!


>That bit about stuffing your testicles up your groin sounded odd. Not for any pervy reason, I'd like to have seen it to see what they actually meant.
>
There's a sort of hole that you can actually just push them into and they disappear up there!!

>Saw the socks down the pants bit in the preview for the women's part. Be honest, what man hasn't done that? John! and cat have both been there I'll wager.
>
According to John he doesn't need to *laughs* I think he threatened to show me once, but I ran away with some Gyppos and sold pegs for a while instead to avoid it!

>Gay bloke is annoying. He's called Blaine, so he's off to a bad start.
>
Americans eh? Tsk, I wanted to slam his head into a wall, very irritating man.

>I'd shag the big black bloke though. Forgotten his name. Doubt he'll make a convincing laydee.
>
> Naaah, he was the first to get booted! He decided to be a celibate, career driven, emotionally damaged woman who'd been mentally scarred at losing her virginity! Sheeeesh, talk about issues!

To backtrack: Lyns, you've talked about killing your family for years, it comes as no surprise now! Hula Hoops are some of the worst things to listen to people eat, they do crunch so. Murder.

That 'Boy Meets Girl' thing was a load of old arse. Utterly, utterly pointless. And no, I've never shoved socks down my pants. Again, utterly, utterly pointless. I suppose I can see why some people would, but what happens when they take a bloke home? He thinks something the size of the Titanic is going to come into view when Sockman takes off his pants, and instead finds himself staring at a mouse's tongue*.

TV was awful last night. Terrible really. So I switched off my TV set and did something less boring instead (listened to music while fingering myself).

Oh yeah, and Lyns, apparently we've sorted out a house for next year, and each room has a double bed...it'll be me and you top-to-toe all over again! We have it from June-ish, too, so you can consider it your summer house!

#The summer house...where we found new games to play#

*With thanks to 'A Local Book For Local People'.

>And no, I've never shoved socks down my pants. Again, utterly, utterly pointless. I suppose I can see why some people would, but what happens when they take a bloke home? He thinks something the size of the Titanic is going to come into view when Sockman takes off his pants, and instead finds himself staring at a mouse's tongue*.
>
Mine's more like the iceberg. Covered in socks.

Mmm...cold, crispy and white?

Or big, hard and likely to destroy 1000 people?

Ooooh, a summer house of my very own! *laughs* With servants and everything? Is that your house to live in next year at Uni?

That 'mouses tongue' thing has just made me laugh extremely loudly! I'm in a room with el parentos and they now think I'm (even more) mental! Heehee.

Ah yes, it has been my day off, and to mark the occasion I went out an got a totally new hairstyle, aren't I strange?
It is an "INSECT", (or is that INSET?) day at the prison, ow! - Ive just been stabbed by a thorn! - strange haven't been near roses? - but I coud use it to kill parents?
Anyway, the teachers are in school eating insects, one would presume, but I was only just awake enough to catch the end of GMTV, lucky for me! - Although I never watch it, I like to critisise the station for virtually everything.
I did see some morning show on Sky News, and spent the day angry that, that person did not actually kill Mr Bush, however there you go.

I also laughed at a woman who let her dog crap outside my drive, only to tread in it whilst walking off -
I have not as yet found a pointy stick, and im too stupid to shape one into a pointy shape, - paws are no good for that sort of thing, so the parents are STILL alive - there has to be another way?
And talking of socks, I need some new pairs --- for my FEET.
I do recall hearing about a girl in my form who apparently had an entire roll of bounty stuffed down her bra, and she was ginger! -eeek!

Catboy, you are quite easily one of the funniest under 18's ever, and one of only 2 that I will even entertain, the other one being Sharkey, a small amphibious relative of Johns!

Gingers are the scourge of the Earth. At first when you said Bounty I thought you meant the chocolate bar...I'm too old for change! She must be really flat chested (gingers are) to have to put a whole roll down there! Sheeeesh.
INSE(C)T days used to be called 'Baker Days' after the education Minister gadgey, I like to think of them as INCEST days, where all the teachers bugger their kids. Muhahahahahah.

My dog is scared of cats, so I'll threaten her into sharpening some sticks for you. Actually, I bought her a lovely new lead today, so she'll do it as a favour for me. Expect them stickys soon, miaaaaaow!

The stronger-wiper-upper . . . Bounty!
My fave TV ad.
Even better if she started to lactate involuntarily.



John! I hope your house is in a lovely area with nice neighbours and a decent, trustworthy drug-dealer on the corner. If he asks whether you want grass, that's EXACTLY what you might get these days.

Mmmmmmmmmmmm.............drugs.

Heheh sorry, having a bit of a Homer Moment!

>Catboy, you are quite easily one of the funniest under 18's ever, and one of only 2 that I will even entertain, the other one being Sharkey, a small amphibious relative of Johns!

why thankyou :o)
I think you have to be witty to be gay, don't you? - well I always win arguements anyway.
In fact I am well known for being a person not to argue with, I single handedly won an arguement in a class debate over Kosovo, putting aside the fact that this was prior to use being put in sets and I was aruging against thickos...

> Gingers are the scourge of the Earth.

You're right! - I have recently launched my "Anti-ginger" campaign, which has received a hostile reaction from the ginger community, however im convinced its working, and I have even set up "Ginger Point", a new scheme, placing reformed killers a strategic points around my school, which sniper rifles and picking of Gingers like scabs.

>At first when you said Bounty I thought you meant the chocolate bar...I'm too old for change!

Remember when they changed Marathon, to Snickers? - I was only about 10 at the time, and the prospect of change has disgusted me since that.

>She must be really flat chested (gingers are) to have to put a whole roll down there! Sheeeesh.

She was, did I mention she has since left the school, after the entire school protested against her (not for the ginger thing, but it was a factor, im sure)
She did however, along with my good self lead a campaign to "Ban French homework for the duration of the Beef ban", the fact that we had a Frog as a french teacher didnt deter us! - we made plaques and everything!


> INSE(C)T days used to be called 'Baker Days' after the education Minister gadgey, I like to think of them as INCEST days, where all the teachers bugger their kids.
Muhahahahahah.

As someone I know would say, "Incest, a game for all the family".

> My dog is scared of cats, so I'll threaten her into sharpening some sticks for you. Actually, I bought her a lovely new lead today, so she'll do it as a favour for me. Expect them stickys soon, miaaaaaow!

Lead as in pencil lead? - sounds dangerous, but I like it! Is the lead all spikey and with metal points on ? - I like them, although I dont like people with them.
I once saw a person in Chester with "Sniff Glue, worship Satan" on his shirt, and whilst I loathe anything with religion, I challenged a perfect stranger as to why he was a twat? - the fact I am about as small as an elf and he was a virutal troll, did not put me off - I won!!

I also manged to convince an entire chatroom consisting of about 50 people that they were in fact stupid (Americans) for having guns everywhere.
i also infuriated them by saying "Look, your thick and that's that, If there were more people like me in the US, it would be a better place"

I went to the Redandproud.com website, which is a site for Gingers to moan about how persecuted they are, and left a load of abusive messages on their guestbook! "You're not black, or gay are you? for fucks sake buy a bottle of hair dye and come back to me when you're *really* felt persecution GINGER SCUM!" Heheheh!
Biting sarcasm is a pretty gay thing I think, it's inborn. Use it to alienate your teachers, you're much better than they are!

If they think they are having a bad time now, wait until my "Anti Ginger" and "Ginger Point" programmes go national!

Well my Northern "Just Say No to Ginger", "GingerBan" and finally my cull of gingers should stop them. They deserve it I think. Grrrrrrr to them and their flamey heads!

Woooooooooooo! I have a date on Friday! Now, should I wear the pink dress or my beige velour leisure suit?? Help me poofs, help meeeeee!

A date?

Whoopididooo!

I want name, occupation, prospects, looks, likes, dislikes, strange psychological disorders and I want them now.

How did you meet her?

Where are you going?

Is she really good enough for you?

I am proxy-excited for you. It's so bloody long since I have had a date that I've forgotten what they're like. I'll live through yours vicariously. Details! Details! Details!

By a date I take it you don't mean one of those evil sugary brown things?
Just phone up BBC One and tell them - i'm sure "lesbian dates" would easily see off who wants to be a millionaire.
But i would say you should wear something casual - but flirty!
And if she is a bitch then pull at her hair... gingers are everywhere!
And take her somewhere nice, like Burger King -*laughs*-
Good luck, just use your wit and you'll be fine.... well perhaps not.
Anyway. none of us know much about women! - thank god.

Heheheh. Well she's 30 (I think) works in the RVI hospital, from Sunderland but lives in newcastle, has 4 cats, a car, hates kids, has a twisted sense of humour and seems like a good laugh! I met her *ahem* in the Gaytimes forum, so naturally that makes her a serial killer (according to my mother) and I am going to end up dismembered in a bin bag!

We're going to see a film, undecided which one yet, haven't seen a pic but I know she's got short brown hair and she's the same height as me! God, that sounds vague!

I'm sure she's good enough for me, anyone who hates kids so much can only be a good person!

AAAAAGH JENNIFER ANISTOOOOON on my screen, ewwwww! Horrid square chin!

Anyway, even if nothing transpires between me and this new laydee you can't have too many friends (to borrow stuff off and get lifts from) *laughs*


Ooooh, it's been about 4 months since I went out with anyone. Why are they always nurses? That's a bit weird....maybe it's the same one and it's just a way for her to get her Bad Girls videos back (that I haven't even watched!) that would be frightening!

Cat-There's no Burger King, only McDonalds, is that classy enough?

As for dressing in a flirty fashion, that involves wearing a clean baseball cap!

I think the four of us (Me, John, RB, Catboy) should do a TV show called 'Shagmate', a sort of bendy version of the Davina McCall thing, that would be fab! John could mince down the street* after people, pestering them to shag other people!




















*Note: John does not mince, he is the most masculine gay man ever, he puts Ray Meagher, Mike Reid and Bill Hunter to shame. John isn't the type of poof who screams "Ooooh, big fat fuck!!" when he sees an exceptionally ugly man on TV, nor does the sight of a finch make him shit himself, ohhhh no! And that, gayboys and bendermen, is why I love him so!

Ahem. Anybody would think we spent 6 weeks exclusively in each other's company or something. In fact, come to think of it, the only times we were apart during the summer were bath times! And even then we could still hear each other through the wall, me singing along to 'Across The Universe' and nearly causing your house to crumble due to the intense depth of my voice.

Summer house: yep, it is our next year uni house. It has 5 bedrooms, two bathrooms, garden, driveway (in which we can pitch our tent, Lyns!), dishwasher, tumble drier, big lounge, and it's only 1 year old! Plus, it's near Sainsbury should I feel the need for late night lashings of vodka!

I can't remember anything else you've been talking about in the topic. Oh yeah, Sharky is indeed the bestest young guy in the world. His website is superb...if you appreciate the Digi/UK:Resistance type of humour, which me and Lyns certainly do. Moc-moc-a-moc.

Shipwrecked: what a bunch of arseholes. The Aussies moan, the lesbian whinges, the boys pretend to punch each other all day. Sigh.

You have a date? Vrooooomnik! Do you still see that one you shagged a few months back? Is she the one you nicked the videos from? I had a boyfriend recently, but it lasted three weeks and then it had to stop. Have you seen a picture of this lesbot nurse? Oooh, so exciting. Don't forget to phone me while you're being intimate!

Heehee, bath times! Me trying to read War and Peace while you crooned along to 'Dream a Little Dream', my masonry will ne'er be the same!
Can't believe you have a house with tent-room, wazooo! You know what they say, you're not a real man (gay) until you've shit (pissed) in the woods (back garden)!

Yeah, Emma is the one whose vids I nicked, I just can't be arsed to go all the way to Newcastle just to take vids back so she'll have to come here for them! I haven't seen her for ages because I haven't been to Newcastle for a while due to being broke, d'oh!

I always manage to miss Shipwrecked, usually out with Pedro buying pop and crisps, like real growed ups!

Fucking hell. John's fucking house is a fuck of a lot better than my fucking house and I fucking work all fucking day for a fucking pittance.

All I fucking have is built-in fucking damp and no fucking carpets. And loads of fucking bills.

Bad fucking day? Too fucking right!

Aww, well, you can say you're being eccentric by living in a house with damp and no carpet. Believe me, me and my family lived in the coldest, dampest, no-carpetted house you can imagine for ten years. Fucking huge place it was, with NO HEATING apart from a coal fire. Which always used to go out. Ten years I look back on with no great affection. Made me the man I am today though!

And besides, writers are supposed to live in crap houses. When I grow up, I want to live in a little wooden shack by a lake, with a dog, and never be seen by anyone ever again. I'll just work from home. Lyns can look after our doggies, and we'll live happily ever after!

Poor RB, here, have some Fruitella sweeties, I got 10 packets for a quid yesterday!

Yep, the shack will be great, and there'll be no stairs for me to fal up/down! Aspidistra will have it's own little hole in the ground to live in, and the doggies will live with us. If there's a better way to live, I don't wanna know about it!

Oh yeah John, check out 4Text p146, looks like Greaso's been writing in to Uncle Nick!

That bloke who's in love with a filthy lesbian? Yeah, I saw that yesterday, it's actually very similar to a situation going on at uni with one of my friends! Bleurgh!

10 packs of Fruitella for a quid? Oh man, can you stock up and bung me about 300 packs? Fruitella are the sweets of the Gods. Apple are my fave.

Shack-me-up-real-good! It'll be lovely. No people, just doggies running around in the grass, having adventures, little fishies nibbling at our toes every morning in the lake!

I still reckon it's GreaseFeatures!!

Sadly these packs of Fruitella only contain peach, raspberry and er...purple! I think they must be an unsuccessful product line, they're called 'Fruitella Yo-yo-yogurt' and yesterday was the first time I've seen them. They're lovely, except I did ther stupid thing of giving packets to my family....grrrrr, and they're already digested now. Hmph.

#Fishies nibbling at my toes,
doggies running through the roses,
living in our little shack,
modern life is rubbish I'm never going back!#

Woohoo!

Well, we've always known the hermit lifestyle is for us, and I can't think of a better way to do it! What style!

Our lake will also have a monster in it, but a friendly monster, who we control. We can make it go on killing sprees through city centres.

And Fruitella Yo-Yo-Yogurt? Hmm, they sound weird! Are they just old French stock or something? Stuff from pound shops is often from France.

I have to go into town now! Smell ya later! (What episode is that called?)

xxxx

We'll be infamous yet unapproachable! I want a monster who acts just like Nessie does in 'Monty Can't Buy Me Love', very cute!

Those Fruitellas were actually the only thing I bought that wasn't from the Pound shop. They had some but they were doing a measly 5 packs for a quid, RIP-OFF! I got mine for the 'Heron' shop, a sort of cheapy freezer store. Oh wait, I got a 3 pack of Magnum lollies (the 'Ego' kind, mmmm) for only a pound too, and I saw the sweeties when I was at the till! "Oooooh, I NEED these!"

Fruitella had probably the best advert jingle lyrics ever. It included the line "cos fruit just isn't chewy enough"

I hope God was listening. He cocked up big time by not making fruit chewy.

Day got better. Boyfy's coming and he's horny, he said in his message on my mobi. I'll have to service him. And I'm getting so good at cyber-sex.

Your fave chewy fruit

Fruitella had probably the best advert jingle lyrics ever. It included the line "cos fruit just isn't chewy enough"

I hope God was listening. He cocked up big time by not making fruit chewy.

Day got better. Boyfy's coming and he's horny, he said in his message on my mobi. I'll have to service him. And I'm getting so good at cyber-sex.

Your fave chewy fruit

Oooh, I missed the 'Smell ya Later' message! That was from 'Bart to the Future' I think, loved the grown-up Ralph, he's great!

I like the 'chewy fruit' thing, Him Upstairs certainly messed up on that front. I'd also like crispy milk, smooth leaves, and crinkly water!

Cyber sex is funny, especially when you're pretending to be someone you're not! Heehee! Have fun servicing Boyfy, and don't forget to have regular 'biscuit breaks'!

McD. Is certainly classy enough.
I recall pissing myself (not literally) in front of my French teacher after she told me McD. in french was "Mac Dough" - oh them were the days.
Davina came to Chester once, poor luv, never came back though, they must have run out of places by now.
- I had a rather interesting read of the GT today, well I say read, It was more of a skim, what are those people in hats doing on the front?
I am now feeling not all together too fantastic after being persuaded to try a "Lycee", some horrid fruit, which is chewy.
Is anyone protesting about Mr Eminem, that is how you spell it isnt it?
He is obviously gay, just too thick to realise. - isnt everyone (gay).

The new hair was a great success, although I am now fearful of copies, arg! the thought of turning up with the same hairstyle as someone else stirs my very core.
Isn't gel sticky?

Ewwww, lychees are horrid! It's like eating a lump of perfumed soap, bleeeeeeuuuurgh! (A 'lycee' is a school! heheh)

What kind of hairstyle have you got now? Is it a gay one?

Don't bother with gel. Boyfy's produced the perfect substitute - with extra protein. Hmmmm . . . spunk. Did Homer ever *actually* say that?

Anyway, there's no such thing as a gay hairstyle any more. The breeders have nicked them for their own. Or am I just hopelessly out of touch?

(Sorry about the earlier double posting. Excited fingers again!)

It's just fashion (or should that be fascism, titter).

Can any ASDAFANS affirm this - very disturbing report

The voice of Coronation Street's Fred Elliot is to be used to tell supermarket shoppers where to park their cars.
Shoppers wrongly driving into disabled spaces at Asda will hear the character's voice saying: "You can't park there, I say, you can't park there."

Asda chose impersonator Leslie Gibson from hundreds of performers in an in-store competition.

He beat impersonations of Cilla Black, Dale Winton and Tommy Cooper.

A spokesperson for the supermarket told Ananova: "Leslie really won us over.

"When we heard the voice we know it was just perfect."

The voice system, called Spacehog, will gradually be introduced to Asda car parks across the UK.

You're absolutely right, Arma. We did a story on it this very week (after seeing it in The Sun and then shamelessly following it up).

Asda are evil. They're still pretending to be a grocery store when in fact they are working with the major space agencies, experimenting on humans and aliens alike.

As for spunk-SENSITIVE LESBIAN IN THE ROOM!
Heheheheh.

Although the breedy peeps have nicked a lot of bendy peeps hairstyles there are still a few. Like John's. *coughs* I'd quite like a mullet, permed on top and straight at the sides, this ponytail is too grrrly!

Well it is that insane shock waves thing not gel. but has the same effect.
Im not really sure whether or not it is a gay hairstyle, but I would say yes!! and your right RB, the breeders have stolen all of our cultures because they are jealous- except the obvious ones.
Im not sure about the spunk alternative, how good at holding is it? Because I need a strong holding one otherwise it ruins it,
Anyway....
My hair is something the guy in the salon called a "bedhead" which I was instantly unsure about. - supposed to be fashionable, but im not sure how or why.
It is a sort of spike flat arrangement, which sounds odd, but isnt.
It is randomly spiked, but not spiked really high, just small, and it is well - I dunno, how do you explain a hairstyle?!?!
The overall effect is that you have it shaved a lot at back and side and gel the top and just randomly rub fingers through it, it ends up looking spikey and having the appearance of someone who has just woken up, but it is modelled slightly to make it an actual hairstyle? - make any sense...
Does sound rather gay actually - or at least the bloke who is wearing it is, and the bloke who cut it is!
Anyway, everyone seems to like it, so that has to be a good sign, I did look rather shocked when one of my mates said "that hair is growing on me"!!

And RB, are you selling Boyfy's spunk as a commercial product? - it could be highly profitable.

I was also put under the very akward position of some girl flirting with me today, oh how I laughed, she didn't!

Is it me or are most science teachers gay?
My old maths teacher was, Biology certainly is, Physics yup and im not sure about chemistry.
Psychology and Sociology teachers are too.
And P.e. teachers - although that may cause problems.
And everyone at the local supermarket is too - its quite amusing.
I shall be paralysed tomorrow after playing badminton, it is surprisingly painful.

one thing I will say for Asda is they sell all of the magazines with pictures of naked men on the cover, all close together, makes for easy reading.

My biology teacher at school was chucked out of the army for being a bender. He was a right twat, I wrote a 57 verse epic poem about his life, it was a work of art but he didn't have a sense of humour, the weirdo. My physics teacher was definitely straight, and would get a raging erection every time he saw anything in a skirt, about 50% of the school then!

I was recently in trouble with my Bio teacher,
He is from Yorkshire you see, and I consider him to be slightly thick.
When he asked me in his Yorks accent, "'Ave u finished that work yet?"..
I replied in a slow and patronising yorkshire voice...
"Nooooooooooo....."
He got angry and I made him look a fool by basically ignoring him.

My Gaydar works like this:

If you think he's gay, he is. It always turns out to be right.

(Not so in tune with lezzers.)

As for pervy teachers, a maths teacher of mine once told a girl in the class: "I wish I was your blouse."

Outrageous! But funny in a sexism-and-harassment-are-alright-really kinda way.

Gonna get my hair cut today. Normal short, sensible style I'm afraid. Gone are the days of going blond.

My gaydar usually works as it should. I can spot a poof from a million miles, lezzers are a bit more difficult, but still pretty easy. I always think it's tres amusant when the breeders think we've made gaydar up! My mother is convinced that it's liiiiies!

Gaydar has even made a dictionary now. I can't remember which one.

Actually, from http://www.gaydar.co.uk I've learned that easyEverything in St Ann's Square is full of poofs. Been there yet, John!?

Meanwhile, I know you're all sick, so visit:

http://www.distefano.com

Aaah, another DiStefano fan! *snigger* Nowt like a bit of sick gore to while away an afternoon! Have you ever been to http://www.rotten.com ? Magnificent stuff!

Check this out, the other white meat! http://vatican.rotten.com/infantiphagia/taboo2.jpg

Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-Flange.

Too much to comment on, so I won't bother.

I will say that tonight I shall be stuffing my face with crisps and Galaxy, while watching Frasier, Graham Norton, and doubtless a video or two.

Is it just me, Lyns, or does LOG series 1 never get tiring?

I've never been to easyEverything, whatever it's called. Don't even know if I've been to St Ann's Square. I walk through life in a daze, it's the best way.

I was in the British Gas Manchester HQ today. Near Victoria Station, where I believe there is a very lively cottage.

It never, never gets tiring!

I have to hang around for an hour tonight, I'm meeting Joy at 8 but the povwagon will get me there at 7:15. Grrr. I shall have to wander around Asda and try not to look like a shoplifter! Actually, I wish I could stay in and eat Galaxy and watch Frasier instead! Spoke to her last night and as usual ended up sounding like a gibbering idiot. do you know that out of every single person I know in the world, I'm only able to have a lucid phone conversation with you and Genius! That even extends to relatives! We'll probably spend the whole night at opposite ends of the cinema texting each other *laughs* Why is everything so much harder when I'm sober? WHYYYYYYYY?

Just get pissed first, and stuff your hands in her knickers!

Oooh, your date is tonight, ooooh! If One2One is working properly later (the cunts seem to be having problems with text messages today), I shall message you and see how much you're enjoying yourself! What film are you going to see? Something Spanish with a man who gets run over by a motorbike?

Oh, and me and a couple of friends witnessed a running-over incident today! We heard a thud, and looked round to see a workman being hit by a bus. He went flying, and spilt a big bucket of hot tar all over his face (I'm not joking!). He ran around the road screaming for a bit.

Naturally, being British, we just stood there watching.

That sounds fucking hilarious! <tries to stifle jealousy>

We're going to see 'What Women Want' (ohhhh the irony) and the cinema is licensed so maybe I'll spend my 45 minutes chucking pints down my neck!!
121 is being wanky this week. I get an SMS every time messages are sent to my btinternet account but it hasn't been happening this week until after I've read them!

WWW looks complete cack to me.

You'll just have to get tonsel-tickling and clit-cuddling to take your mind off it.

Good luck with it. Let us know how you got on. If I see no postings here when I get up tomorrow, I'll know it either went VERY WELL INDEED or SHE'S A PSYCHO AND YOU'RE DEAD.

John! St Ann's Square has the Disney Store, the Royal Exchange, Gap, Martinique, McDonald's, Dixons, Barton Arcade, the small Waterstone's on it. It's Manchester's upmarketest bit, kinda.

Well you'd see no postings tomorrow anyway cos I have an 11 hour shift at work *grooooooan* but I'll tell you how it went when I get in tonight!

I'll be too busy trying to eat popcorn in a dignified and quiet fashion to concentrate on the film anyway!!

I can normally spot em from a mile away, however I have been wrong on one occasion.
"You are what you suck" - well of course I don't mean that in the literal sense; at least hpoe I don't
The hairstyle hit hard times today when some one announced they would like to copy it.
Although I have succeeded in attracting a lot of attention from some attractive young men stroking their hands through my hair, they are of course all as bent as a spoon touched by Uri Geller- but attractive to boot.
I really must do something bizarre soon, Im planning to spend some of the money left to me by my dead aunt, on a trip to Moscow, although im not sure Russian men are that attractive, are they?
I might go to Rome, Italians are lovely people.
Picking out the queers in school is a suprisingly complex task, I am not sure I have mastered it yet, it's a slow process.

Arg!!1- ZORK FIRGGIE!
Im currently in a VERY akward instant message, im on the verge of coming out to one of my oldest friends, I have come out to other mates, but he doesnt know cos he aint seen me for ages..
Arg! this is tough

Do you have a mouth?
Is it big and fat?
Is it anorexic?
If so, SHUT YOUR MOUTH!

(Central Independent Television Production)

Whatever im on you must be one double the amount...
And why do you poke fun at anorexic people?
My best friend in the world ever was anorexic and I can tell you it is not something to laugh about you little fool.
He spent 2 months in hospital at 4 stone yet he thought he was fat, oh yes I can REALLY see the joke in that.
Go talk to someone on your level...
Ill bet yor ginger and straight... ugh! - the worst possible combination!
I think we should start calling straight people queers.

Everyone should be called queer! Personally, I take it as a compliment!

I'm still alive, she wasn't a serial killer, she's very nice if a little quiet. But, I think we're seeing each other again so keep yer fingers crossed for me boys!

Cat-Hardest thing I ever did was to come out to my oldest mate, reaaaally scary, but def. worth it! Good luck if you haven't done it already.

Actually he got cut off just as I was about to say !!!!
Ah well, it can wait!
Im glad the date was a success, was McDonalds busy :o)
If you are seeing her again that must be good, I expect she was only quiet because it was the first time you had met, or do you mean whilst you were having sex?
Interestingly enough, on the subject of coming out, how did you all do it... mine was well planned, it is the most planned thing I have ever done, yet when I came to actually do it, I just found it really quite funny and started laughing! all the plans went out of the window.
The annoying thing is, you have to come out to like everyone you know, which is annoying - and it takes hours.
and being gay is way more fun than being straight, I enjoy being gay, I think being straight would just be well, boring!
It does annoy me about people who say that they are gay because it is "fashionable"?!?!
O! turn onto radio 5 live, 909 MW now! - they are talking about an "Orgasm Machine", a machine that gives u an orgasm, but only for you Suiii, shame.

That Orgasmatron thing sounds like fuuuun!
It was probably quiet because it was the first time we'd met, also other people tend not to like it when you talk in the cinema!

How did I come out? Weird really, was watching QAF when my mother came into my room asking me to look for car insurance quotes on the net, I said "I know of a few cheap gay insurance agencies" and she said "But we aren't gay" and went downstairs. During the ad break on QAF I just ran downstairs and said "What if I was gay? Because I AM!" to which she said "Uhuh, I know" then she turned to the TV and said "Oooh, isn't Chris Tarrant awful?" at which point I burst into tears and ran upstairs. That was it really. Oh, then when I got upstairs I got my hand stuck in the VCR, cut my thumb and bled everywhere as I was trying to tell my then gf that I'd come out, got some water to clean up the blood and spilled that too, d'oh! So, it was all a bit hectic really!

How I came out to my mates will have to wait, I'm too tired to type any more!

Orgasmatron is very Woody Allen. One of my fave films.

Anyway, I came out to my fiancee. I stupidly said: "Until I met you, I thought I was gay."

What I meant was: "I'm a big poof and this relationship has to end."

Unfortunately, she believed the former and it turned out to be quite a messy end. Men, eh? We're all cowards really. I wanted her to make the decision.

I had not told anybody else, and had no intention of doing so. But my father, a detective inspector in the police force (now detective chief inspector), knew there was more to it. And I sort of blabbed as I blubbed. He sort of interrogated it out of me. Then he made me tell my mother.

This will sound pretty melodramatic, but it's still true. I was pretty close to a nervous breakdown at the time, although I only really realise that in retrospect.

I came out to most of my friends in letters. It has the advantage that you actually do it for sure and you don't go off at a tangent

The ones I told verbally, I started with these words: "I've got something to tell you . . . " It's hard to stop the conversation once you've said that.

I waited till I moved to Manchester before coming out properly. I joined a coming out group in Manchester called Icebreakers, run by Switchboard, and never looked back. Getting gay friends gives you security. If you do have a bad reaction from straight friends, you have something to fall back on.

However, I'd recommend that when you come out you tell all your friends quickly. No matter what, it's great gossip, and it WILL leak. Better for you to be in charge of the news. My sister told loads of my friends at a wedding reception. Luckily, I'd already told most of them myself.

Incidentally, I had nothing but support from my friends (and family, once they realised it was true). And my life improved immeasurably.

There is (or was) a group called Icebreakers in Chester, cat, although it's not specifically about coming out. Manchester's is. But it's only for 18+. There are youth groups here, too.

This might be useful:

http://www.lgfoundation.org.uk

Whatever you do, good luck.

And Lyns, she sounds nice. Quiet is better than brash, after all. And still waters run deep and all that.

Hey hey.

I'm a friend of the LGF, apparently. I have the card in my wallet to prove it.

Coming out, well, it couldn't have gone better for me, like, at all. All the family are perfectly at ease with it, and always have been, and all my friends are great too. Not that I expected anything different, because my family and friends are superb.

Mother keeps watching QAF, Priscilla and Beautiful Thing. I had to leave copies at home for her. In fact, I think we've watched all my gay films together (apart from the ones which feature nothing but men with no clothes on and a distinct level of stiffness). Aww. By the way, if anyone knows where I can buy a copy of The Celluloid Closet, please tell me. Mine is all tatty and worn out now (the video, I mean).

121, what a bunch of arse. I got your msg last night, Lyns-oh-lah, and replied promptly, but I don't know if you got it or not. I think they must be down again or something. Bastards. I'm pleased your date went well. Like RB says, it's better that she's a bit quiet and not a bloody OTT bint. We can all be quiet when first meeting someone...except me and you, of course, we just met and never looked back!

It's raining again. Lovely. I was going to stroll into town, but, well, maybe I won't now. I don't like getting wet.

St. Ann's Square, yeah, I know the one you mean now. I was there yesterday, in fact. Plenty of poofs for all to see.

I wonder if Tar-Man is okay. He did scream so.

Tsk, where are all you lot?

Out there with LIVES, that's where. You make me sick.

Lives? I don't think so.

Been downloading Microsoft Office most of the afternoon.

And trying to get my housemate a separate email account and stuff. Tough work.

I am sure Lyns is scoffing as she reads this, thinking, well that's 10 minutes' work. Not for me. Luckily Boyfy's on hand.

10 minutes work? Pah! 3.25 at the *very* most!

John, I've told everyone about the tar accident and no-one thought it was funny! I hate 121, I sent you a message straight away after you replied to me, the CUNTS!

It's not that I haven't come out to other people I have, and the reaction was pretty good.
It's just one mate who I haven't seen for ages who hasn't actually found out yet!
I made a rather tactical error in that I actually told one of my friends in the toilets of our local sports centre, he got the wrong idea!
And your right once you have started to tell someone you cannot stop and have to tell them.

And Chris Tarrant is annoying, but did you hear that bollox about Ricky Martin wanting a family on "An audience with"?
Yeah right Ricky.

I still have a few people to tell, I must right a list.
Most of them live abroad so they havent heard the gossip - telling my mate in Sri-Lanka might be tough! I think its like really bad or illegal to be gay there? - bizzare or what?!

In fact the time I came out to parents I was only 15, by two days.
And it was in Wales - ugh!
She started talking about girlfriends, which of course I didn't have or want!!
She was asking me whether I had one, and I had already planned I was gonna tell her that day, so I just blurted it out, Actually all the girls are dogs and I really am not attracted to any of them at all, so shut up will you, that means Im gay in case you hadnt guessed"
She just said "Oh, really" in a sort of ' actually im not suprised at all, and was waiting for that ' sort of voice.
Well being the sort of person I am, I started laughing and was nearly killed by a passing car (I told her whilst we were waiting to cross a road, perhaps not the wisest move!)
But god I felt so much better.

It's great isn't it? I wish I'd been brave enough when i was 15 but actually it wasn't an issue then, I think I'd put it to the back of my mind! Actually, if it wasn't for John I'd probably still be in the old wardrobey thing now, really! One in a million aren't you John? Yep! And of course I'm incredibly lucky that no-one has reacted badly, and I think that makes all the difference.

The car thing sounds like a great comedy accident! My 'thing' is stairs. The stairs in Johns house in Devon are terrifying, I used to avoid them at all costs, especially as the wall is about 5 inches from the bottom of the stairs, eek! I had visions of me plummeting down the stairs headlong only to crash into the wall and break my neck, heheheh, me+gradients=megabad.

I watched the Ricky Martin thing in a state of bemusement and horrified delight! Gloria Hunniford singing 'She Bangs'? Cilla Black being helped up on stage by Paul O'Grady? W-w-w-what? "Ohh yes, I wanna walk inna my door anda trip over a toyyyy" Uhuh, yep, and I'm pregnant RIGHT NOW! Actually, the trippy over scenario would be good if it ended in neck breakage. La Martin is so gay it's painful, someone should just tell him!

Tchah, Suiii - everyone's gay to an extent...

Exactly, just look at what he was wearing for heavens sake, how many straight people would wear that?

Yeah but I mean RM is gayer than John, gayer than the whole of Mardi Gras, poofier than Dale Winton and Graham Norton at a Wizard of Oz Convention!
Oh and I wish to challenge your theory that everyone is 'a bit gay'. There exists a special group of men, the 'Testosterone Triumvirate', who are not even 1% gay. During 6 weeks of the summer John and I compiled this shortlist of everyone in the world, and these are the magical trinity of men who are 110% straight!
In no particular order:

1) TV's Mike Reid, of 'Runaround' and ''Enders' fame. Not a bit gay, he's never seen Wizard of Oz or seen another man naked, ever.

2) Bill Hunter, most famous man in Australia, a venerable Comedy God, star of such films as 'Muriel's Wedding' and every other film or TV programme of an Antipodean nature. Totally het. Never seen in pink, opens tins with his teeth.

and finally

3) Bloody oath, it's Ray Meagher! Gawd strewth, Aussie man-hunk and star of Home and Away, and more importantly PCBH where he played not one but *4* evil, murderous blokes. Well strike me roan! Ray Meagher is so manly that he wipes his arse with nettles, he wrestles crocs with his bare hands, and lets deadly Funnelweb sp*d*rs crawl all over him FOR A LAUGH!

See?

Nice to have you up here in this topic BTW, are you on holiday up here? Please enjoy your complimentary Vodka, and compliments of Casa Suiii please accept this silk bathrobe, hand embroidered by the elbows of the blind, fingerless Chinese 'No Thum' tribe. We hope you enjoy your stay!

That silk thing and booze was for Arma, but Catboy you can have some milk and a catnip toy!

Aw, thanks for your generous hospitally. Do I get free shampoo?

Yep! As well as free satellite TV, all the Pringles and sweets you can eat, and a bunch of lovely poofs (and a gay Cat) to mix cocktails and help join in 'bitching at the TV sessions' which I will hold every hour. Always a lot of fun, especially when it's time for 'Trisha'!

not to mention Live Talk.

Ugh! - Catnip, its actually psychological trauma for cats you know! - we are so traumatised that we go into a mental state whereby we think we like something, its painfull.

We can't shout at Live Talk! Poor Nadia would be upset! We can only mock Live Talk if it's Nadia's day off.

Catnip traumatises little pukkykats does it? Awww, would a plate of scones be better?

Scones can kill, especially when mixed with cyanide!
They are a dangerous, dangerous food indeed.

I watched that Faith in the Future programme on Granada Plus the other day - I think her or her sister was in that, its very funny.

Yeah, that was Julia Sawalha. My mother loves 'Faith in the Future', I found it just plain strange!

I'm in an absolutely foul mood today. I've waited for 5 years to get a copy of the final 2 episodes of Prisoner but my idiot father not only cut the beginning off the first of last nights episode but he cut the end off the final one!
AAAARGH! I could kill him, he's put me in a foul mood for the whole week now!

Oh My God, does Stevie B now have a big iron-shaped dent in his face?

I think 121 is still being a bastard, my love. Messages seem to be very few and far between at the moment. Cuntage.

And I'm pleased to say I didn't watch Ricky Martin last night. What an unbelievable twat. In fact, I didn't watch any telly last night, until I stumbled across a film on 4 about raping bulls, or something.

Aaaah, the Pedro Almodovar film, 'Matadorrrrrrr'!

I've buried Stevie B in the garden, and Herbert is nibbling his face!

Check your mail for a veeey embarrassing story about what I did yesterday!

Okay Flange-uss!

Poor Stevie, being nibbled by Herbert. What a way to go.

Oh yes, and hands up, who in here has ever had sex with a bull?

Oh man, poor Milton Nunez!

*sniggers*

He deserves a ferocious nibbling, grrr!

Hmm...a bull? Nope, I shared a bed with a toy Dragon once, does that count?

>Oh yes, and hands up, who in here has ever had sex with a bull?

Nope, you're on you're own there John!

Was that the same show with the man with the big red towel and the narrator saying "now, this will be a real test of his skill" - i.e. running away from an angry bull...
Ugh, now I have to do some work! - of all things.

Yeah, a dragon is quite similar to a bull.

They both breathe fire for one thing.

<Was that the same show with the man with the big red towel and the narrator saying "now, this will be a real test
of his skill" - i.e. running away from an angry bull...>

Nope, I think was an earlier documentary about bullfighting. TV was bull-fight-o-crazy last night!

You know we have just posted a message within 3 seconds of each other, or thereabouts.
How odd.

Dragons breathe fire? I knew bulls did, but Dragons? Are you sure my love?

Heehee, I bet Milton Nunez packs his cases and heads back to Brasilia after that! I felt sooo bad for about 30 seconds!

30 seconds, then you were dancing on his corpse, covering him with hole reinforcers and paper clips!

Yeah! And shoving Blu Tack into all his orifices as his wife fainted and his babies wept!

I RULE!

Slept with a bull?

Don't like to brag.


Blimey! Turn your back for one minute . . . and there's a posting frenzy going on.

Turn your back for two minutes . . . (oh, never mind)

HEEEEEY! My whole gang is here!

*dances*

#Daaaaaaaay-o, daaaaaaaaaaaaaay-oh#

*hysterical* Poor Milton.

I'll go and get some Dorittos.

And maybe some Panda cola.

Do you want to hear about my embarrassing brush with celebrity yesterday? Here, have some of this Pepsi, no good has ever come of drinkong PandaPops.

Eeep! 'DrinKong', King Kongs l'il bruvver!

But I don't like Cola. I only like Fanta or Tango.

*throws hissy fit*

Oh, and I've got a big Chocolate Thing in the freezer.

Mmm...it's full of creamy chocolate fluid.

>Do you want to hear about my embarrassing brush with celebrity yesterday?

Of course I do. No incendiary incidents, I hope. (I was trying to tell Boyfy about that yesterday but I forgot the details. And yes, I was watching SM:tv Live [prepares for onslaught])

SM:tv Live or Live and Kicking? That's the age old question.

I say: turn the TV off and have a wank.

We were all wanked out by that stage.

Well, try new and exciting ways to do it.

Like, say, while hanging upside down from a window.

New and exciting?

What other way do you do it?

NYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

*head explodes*

The Ant and Dec thing happened in '93, when I was 15 I hung around with a group of 200 or so Hells Angels and metal fans in the middle of Newcastle at the Monument. Those two idiots walked past and shouted "Hippies, yuuurgh, hippy bastards!" so one of the bikies dangled them over Boot's balcony. Alas, their Hi-Tec boots were very loose and they dropped into the thorny bushes under the balcony. Did they learn their lesson? Nope. They got up and started shouting "You sweaty cunts, you can't do this, we're on Byker Grove" so me, a couple of bikies, and Roxy dumped them into the metal mesh bins, turned them upside down and pushed a load of lighted matches into the holes! Their clothes started to smoulder in an alarming fashion, and their screams reached an appalling pitch. We put the fire out though, with a mixture of cider and piss. Yaaaaaaaaaay!

I'll start a new post for yesterdays incident.

Ugh, wanking, FILTHY!

OK, I lifted this straight from the email I sent John!

We sell blank CDs in
packs of 50, and they come in round metal boxes, we have a stack of them
piled about waist high at the front of the shop. It was 5ish and I only had
an hour to go and got bored, so I stood in front of the tins and started
playing them like bongo drums and sang

#Daaaay-O, daaaaay-o
Daylight come and me wan' go hooome
Daaaay-o, daaaay-o,
Daylight come and me wan' go home

Come Mr Tallyman
Carry me bananas

Daylight come and me wan' go hoooome...#

And just after I finished that line, Milton Nunez (Sunderlands blackest
footie player!) just came out from nowhere and walked *right* in front of
me!! I felt sooo embarrassed!!

D'oh!

Oh no, the last ep. of Prisoner is nearly finished, I'm gonna cry!