Eye poppingly, stomach churningly awful isn't it. My complete lack of patience is legendary, and when I'm ill it's stretched even further, but this drivelfest was the most incredible piece of twattery I have ever seen. Andi Peters should stick to being behind the scenes, so that there's no possible chance that I will witness his imbecilic visage while channel hopping. I can't stand it any more. Daytime TV has always been unutterably shite, but ITV seem to have completely lost the plot.
Another puzzling thing, 'Loose Women', an occasionally interesting little programme, (yes I know, I only watch it because Nadia Sawalha's on it, that's not the point) has now been renamed 'Live Chat' or something similarly inane, and been given a 'sophisticated' new look (yes that's right, brown) after being dropped completely a few months ago. Why?? It's the same programme, same panel, same phone number, timeslot etc. Do schedulers think we're complete idiots?

Oh yeah, remember a few weeks ago when someone asked if 'Stars in their Eyes' was the highlight of Anne Diamonds life nowadays? Well now she is a regular panellist on "Live Twat" (or whatever the fuck it's called). 'Shakes' Finnigan had a right pop at her when they did a live studio link up on Monday morning.

Yes.

ITV's audience is, anyway.

Live Chat + Loose Women are both the same set, simply different colours. Did u see the Rich&Jude 'plug' for it - Judy trying to control Richard, yet again.

Oh, and her arm is now shaking again. Ah well

GAHHH! WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SPOIL WHAT I HAVE 2 SAY BY BUTTING IN SUIII!?!?!?! NOT THIS TIME THOUGH...

Heheh, bad habit of mine that, using my psychic abilities to post peoples thoughts before they get a chance. I do it in conversations too, poor John never gets a word in!

Let me try.............



















eww, I'm *not* repeating that!
(sorry)

Not for the fainthearted, the contents of my brain!

*reads Armas mind*





Scuba mask.....





Feathers.....






Custard?????

Eek!!

Ooer, forgot that was lurking in there.

MMM...CUSTARD.........

> Another puzzling thing, 'Loose Women', an occasionally interesting little programme, (yes I know, I only watch it because Nadia Sawalha's on it, that's not the point) has now been renamed 'Live Chat' or something similarly inane, and been given a 'sophisticated' new look (yes that's right, brown) after being dropped completely a few months ago. Why?? It's the same programme, same panel, same phone number, timeslot etc. Do schedulers think we're complete idiots?

Well, kind of.

According to Press Gazette this week, ITV Network Centre thought the title Loose Women was too racey. So they got together with a few focus groups, some lovely scones and several thousand pounds and came up with the startlingly original and memorable title of, er . . . Live Talk.


PG also said that it was the first daily live television programme from Manchester for 20 years. Let's assume they meant networked.

But they forgot Open Air, the BBC's hour-long daily show about . . . television, live from Oxford Road.

Oh, students of today, how you missed out. The eighties were best. Eamonn Holmes' big break, you know.

Now back to the custard debate . . .

Too racy?? Frigging hell, it was called 'Loose Women' not 'Greased Up Thai Sluts Begging For It' Fuu-uu-uu-ck.

So that's it now, we're being ruled by old ladies, the middle classes, and effete public school boys??

Anyway, I prefer my custard cold, it goes runny otherwise. How 'bout you?

That's ITV. That's daytime.
Safety first. Mustn't upset the god-botherers, mustn't make the audience think. Mustn't even have a slightly (ever so slightly) rude pun. Must be bland.

You're obviously on Bird's Custard.
I like white custard. The sort you have on Christmas pudding. Wonderful consistency. Mmmm.... wonder what it reminds me of?

mmmmmmmmmmmm.......birds...

Heheheh.

I'll only eat Birds hot (oo-er!) and Devon Custard cold. As for you, and your filthy white custard! Bleeuch. The reason you love it so much, is the self same reason I detest it!!

Mmmmm. . . fish-flavoured custard. Eugh!

Ewwww!!!

*vomits*

Please, my emotional state is at an all time low due to Channel 4!! The slightest vulgar remark could cause me to go mad and kill Jo Whiley!!

I recognise a gauntlet when it's been laid down.

Nicholas Witchell (naked)

ure too tall and u have no clothes on apart from a hat and ure dog is called Fred and ure hat is brown


(slight enough?)


paper custard over here waitress!

*stabs Jo whiley repeatedly with a rusty, blunt knife*

I warned you! Any more remarks and I shall be forced to drown Roisin Murphy of Moloko, in a vat of boiling custard.

Ewwww, Witchells ginger pubes *retches*

Well, I think the world is now safe.
Nothing is worse than seeing Nicholas Witchell's pubes, even if it is just in your imagination.
You've been right to the edge, Suiii. And you've survived. Bravo!

Oh, hang on, though. What about William Hague? Ann Widdecombe?

GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

*throws herself under a Metro train*

Funnily enough, I got one from Heworth to Monument this very afternoon (and back).

How interesting is that?

Not








at








all

I happen to find train numbers particularly those of the North East "Metro" variety, partyculiarily interessenting. Was it a 2240-A class or B class?

>Funnily enough, I got one from Heworth to Monument this very afternoon (and back).

Eery, I live quite near to Heworth. You should hop on the 194/294 bus next time you're in the vicinity and pop in for some custard and a drink of onion juice!
Speaking of Metro related incidents, when John was staying here we got so pissed in Newcastle one night that we had to get a Metro from Central Station to Monument! (Yes, I know it's only a 3 second journey!!)

Ah divvint naa.

But a disembodied voice kept saying:

The doors'll be shuttin in a bit, like, hinny, pet.

And they let people on with dogs. They were scary people (wearing green anoraks, as it happens) and scary dogs. Not like Manchester's Metrolink. Much more sensible.

> Speaking of Metro related incidents, when John was staying here we got so pissed in Newcastle one night that we had to get a Metro from Central Station to Monument! (Yes, I know it's only a 3 second journey!!)


Bizarrely enough, we did the opposite today, except we weren't pissed. Boyfy is just plain lazy. We went from Monument to Central.

My dog frequently travels by Metro, but she is very well behaved.
Have you heard the evening Metro message?
"how man ya daft bastad, the doors is shutting, ye'll knack yersel if yer dinnit gerron sharp like"

>Bizarrely enough, we did the opposite today, except we weren't pissed. Boyfy is just plain lazy. We went from Monument to Central.


Well we'd won tickets to see a bender film at the Tyne Cinema, and had underestimated just how much alcohol we could drink, at The Dog, in 45 minutes. 6 Vodka Red Devils and 4 Breezers (each!) later, we sort of staggered out of the Pub, and John had to do a wee in the Ladies at Central Station, cos the Gents was closed! Hahahah, filthy!

And did you enjoy all the subtleties of the film?
The light and shade?
The ironic nuances?

Or was it just about shagging really?

Actually, there was very little shagging. It was one of the worst films I've ever seen. It was a Spansish flick called 'Segunda Piel' (Second Skin) about a married man, who's shagging a bloke. The best thing in it was a blond actress who was the spitting image of Sharon Duce. At the end, the married bloke zoomed off on his moped and got squashed by a bus. While everyone else was gasping in horror, me and John were pissing ourselves laughing, and moaning that "What kind of cinema doesn't sell sweets?". The final scene was of the guys lover walking off with his dead lovers wife to pick the kid up from school. I'm just glad the tickets were free!!

Ugh, this milkshake tastes of bacon!!

"Bacoshake-The fun, pig flavoured dairy drink"

I thought pink milk meant strawberry....

Milkshakes, bacon?

Bloody hell, that reminds me. Boyfy's in bed, I'm on his laptop (I would not stoop to make such an obvious joke, it's true) and using his phone bill.
GhostSuiii, you're a darned sight more interesting than gay.com, my alternative entertainment tonight (I am in Redcar, you understand). But I'm off to bed.
He'll have my garters for guts.

More interesting than gay.com? Hardly a compliment but I'll forgive you!! Heheh, nighty night RB, and a word of warning, never buy 'Break Time' strawberry milkshake, ever!!

Tried uk.gay.com yet?? It's no rainbownetwork, but it passes muster!!

mm, strawberry bacon.


Here's an advice: never try to eat spaghetti when your jaw is in stitches. not a nice feeling, even with painkillers.

Turning into a 'Tips' column this!

Never ever try to swim 600m when you have a chest infection and a bunged up nose. You will not be able to breathe. However, your skin tone will be a fetching cyan.

And another tip.
In a hunt for more excitement than gay.com, I was very pleased to find williesandbums.com

But it turned out to be an American site. It was just full of pictures of Shakespeare, President Clinton, Messrs De Foe and Wonka and a large whale.

They were juxtaposed with pictures of a load of old tramps.

I got quite excited when I saw the word hobo, but I'd just misread it.

Divided by a common language. Pah!