...Swindon?

<a few shouts & nervous whoops>

Right! As your place is considered unfashionable or even backward in the shallow minds of most witless comedy hacks, I shall now say something which implies that people from there are in some where unsophisticated or inbred.....

><a few shouts & nervous whoops>
>
>Right! As your place is considered unfashionable or even backward in the shallow minds of most witless comedy hacks, I shall now say something which implies that people from there are in some where unsophisticated or inbred.....


Shit! I meant "in some way". Now people will think I'm from Swindon!

I did a few tour dates in Swindon last year. The local cinema was showing bloody 'Jaws', and everyone was standing around going "D'uhhh, wonder what this is about?". Like a scene from Deliverance, all it needed was a bloke sitting on a rock playing a banjo.

There was these two foreigners right,...

....a Jew and a black fella.....

..they bumped into this bloke wearing a skirt and a bra, holding a sign that said "I am Gay"

...eeeh, in't such a multicultural and tolerant society maarvellous? Anyway....I were walkin' t'whippets....

Anyway, internet forums. What's that all about? I think it's a sign that we've all finally lost it. You meet a friend in the street: "I tried to phone but I couldn't get through." "I was online - you should have hooked up with me on the forum." "Yeah - but I was on the phone..." "I guess we could arrange on the forum a time when we could be mutually free for the phone thing." "OK - I'll go home and post a message now." "Fine. Call you later."

*jazz synthesiser pops and farts*

*fade to black*

I was in this bar/pub/cafe/sauna the other day and these men/women/goldfish were talking about <<<INSERT ANY FROM THE FOLLOWING>>>->->->->
*Unfunny topical remark dressed up as an anecdote/conversation on bus/train/jet plane/newt
*Joke about neighbouring town/area/country where they are all thick
*Cheap sarcstic remark about a pop group/celebrity/crufts winner which was read in paper/heard on radio/seen on tv
<<< and don't forget to plug your latest tv show/book/video whilst giving yer mates a nice plug/intro/sexual favour to *help* them whilst the audience are buying another round/leaving/throwing glass objects/comatose because they know that a manager/PR+publicity company/gerbil has it's hand stuffed up your rear and is wire pulling (the one that controls the mouth) at a frantic rate. Leave by the rear exit - where if you are lucky, you will only get severe head injuries.

Er...um yes!

Dididididi...

So...

Jam...

Gerbils like jam...

fructose

so, women have cunts right?
(audience gasps)
oh, sorry, women are cunts
(audience gasps)
continues in similar, 'offensive' style

My name's Brendan Burns, thank you and good night!

Do ya really wanna know......???

(Spends five minutes going on about taxi drivers not wanting to go south of the river this time of night. Audience curiously fail to connect. Decides to go off on a completely different tack:)

"So -- that escalator on the Northern Line, eh? When are they gonna fix that?"

(Audience still not convinced. Leaves to sound of own footsteps, inwardly cursing the comedy-goers of Swindon as a bunch of ignorant hillbillies who presumably don't understand simple English).

I'm a little emotional tonight, you see I've just left my girlfriend.
[Waits for audience to either aaah, boo or howl with laughter at someone else's misery]
...well, those four guys were much bigger than me and one of 'em had a knife. Figured I'd cut me losses...

Involve the audience - bribe them to laugh and react favourably.

OK. Here, look at this picture of the queen. Isn't it hilarious? Yeah, I'm sure it would be a lot funnier in purple, but don't push your luck.