I don't know them, but my money's on them being just another stupid band.

They're from Wigan.
They eat pies.

Surely the "newest, Hottest etc" is fantastic MOR band Toploader? I must rush out and buy the terrable named debut album "Onka's Big Moka" (or whatever the fuck it's called) so i can listen to the mediocre songs which are a cross between Reef and Dodgy. Oh and the Beatles, obviously. Who with me?

This other band, i've never heard of.

Toploader?

The only good thing about toploader is that one of them has a huuuuge afro.

Even Coldplay and that slightly-banana-hued-song are better.

I saw Terris at Reading, who I was initially aware of from a "hottest pale indie twatgobblers"-type cover feature in NME. They sounded like any other bunch of pale indie twatgobblers.

The only hot new musical acts are Clinic and Ladytron. And maybe Vada, but I'm biased by knowing them.

>Surely the "newest, Hottest etc" is fantastic MOR band Toploader?
>
They are even worse than Ocean Colour Scene, but "Dancing In The Moonlight" (a cover of a 1972 American hit for R&B group King Harvest) is a very nice song.

You are right about Clinic. The sooner they shake off this confusingly dubbed "new Wedding Present" monicker the better.

The best new acts are Fosca, Cody, Baxendale and Brassy.

Anyone remember when 'Kenickie' were supposed to be the next big thing? Well I had inside knowledge, and knew they were destined to die on their arses and spend all eternity drinking White Lightning in a kids playground.*
















*Note:This is an actual fact, I have witnessed it with my own eyeses.

Can't stand Brassy.
Kenickie's first few singles were great.
Listen to the Get Up Kids - they're American but they are truly excellent. Like college rock, but better.

I agree - Kenickie had their moments of being genuinely exciting.

Especially in the context of all the other dreary sludge that was around at the time.

Suii, they've split up now, you can't still be sulking that they wouldn't have you in the band.

Ugh please! They are the sort of people that I tend to loathe on sight. Mocking a disabled boy who was put in one of our A-level classes is not big, nor is it clever.

Oh yeah, and the sight of so-called 'Marie Du Santiago' (Mary Johnson or something) walking around St*pl*s in a Kenickie t-shirt, while getting her sister to say "What's it like being in a famous band?" desperately trying to get recognised is a sight that will stay with me forever! That, and having her trying to haggle down the price of a 30 quid printer 'cos she was 'a poor student'. Mwaaaaaaahahahahahhah.

So you were in the band, then?

Nope. Only musical instruments I can play are the violin, the oboe and the piano. Not really conducive to chart success!

>The best new acts are Fosca, Cody, Baxendale and Brassy.

Ooh, blimey, I don't think so. The first and third contain some charming people making charmless music. The fourth have been around for ever. The second aren't even liked by their label boss.

I'll shut up now before I get myself into trouble.

Bet you're a fan of Radiohead and all that shit.

>Bet you're a fan of Radiohead and all that shit.

Flat out wrong.

I'm a fictional character from a Fry & Laurie sketch and, as such, I'm not allowed to divulge my musical preferences lest I reveal my true identity.

It's not you, is it, Bent?

>Nope. Only musical instruments I can play are the violin, the oboe and the piano. Not really conducive to chart success!

I hear Belle & Sebastian are looking to get back to an octet... you should fit in nicely.

>>Nope. Only musical instruments I can play are the violin, the oboe and the piano. Not really conducive to chart success!
>
Right, you can join my virtual band then - who else wants to?

Belle and Sebastian didn't make music, they just needed to travel around a bit, pretending to be muso's, to spend some of Daddy's money and gained a following of sad little wannabe indie-kids.

PJ-What's the virtual band gonna be called then?

http://www.buro9.com/forum/forumdisplay.php3?forumid=8

Is it just my computer that takes fucking ages to load this page or what? What's it all about then, Joe?

As for names - i don't know - but it has to be memorable.
And you didn't even have to ask what i played.

How selfish of me! PJ, what do you play?

>>>Nope. Only musical instruments I can play are the violin, the oboe and the piano. Not really conducive to chart success!
>>
>Right, you can join my virtual band then - who else wants to?

I used to play flute and alto sax - how un-rock'n'roll is that? And no, I don't like Jethro Tull.

You joining our band too then Justin?

>You joining our band too then Justin?

Not a question I've been asked very often! It's been a while since I played, but hey! maybe that's more 'rock'n'roll'.

If you want me in, that is.

Eccellente!!
Right, so that's you, me and PJ, John will join if I make him, he can be our 'Bez'!

I'm a solo artist. So there!

>How selfish of me! PJ, what do you play?

Why, the guitar - but if that's not rock and roll enough, i'll just get the old Euphonium out...

Haven't you got an accordion then? *disappointed*

OK, so it's Suii on oboe, Justin on flute, PJ on euphonium, and me on spoons / heartbreaking lyrics. How can we fail?

I bet kinder surprise will be our first groupie...

>Belle and Sebastian didn't make music, they just needed to travel around a bit, pretending to be muso's, to spend some of Daddy's money and gained a following of sad little wannabe indie-kids.

Ah, that must be what I am then.

What absolute drivel.

Mike's the singer.

OK, he can write our lyrics too.

No, I'm doing the lyrics. Here's my first, B&S-tinged effort, entitled "The Flower Whose Petals Fell Off":

The boy didn't like going to school,
The other kids would throw him in the swimming pool,
So he'd dream of flowers and pixies,
So he'd dream of flowers and pixies,
Flowers in the rain,
And then all the petals would fall off.


Is that insipid enough?

Don't worry Mike, I love them really.

*laughing* that's truly inspired Jon!

"Judy and the Great Glass Elevator"
Judy loves the band, she's tyhe biggest clapper,
All the local boys say she's just a slapper,
But she don't care, she got a secret stash in the living room,
And her mum never heard the phrase 'magic mushroom'

Oh Judy, riding through the sky,
Watching Glasgow life drift by,
You're a dreamer kid,
You're a dreamer kid.
Etc...

>No, I'm doing the lyrics. Here's my first, B&S-tinged effort, entitled "The Flower Whose Petals Fell Off":

Not bad, actually. You neglected to imply a lisp for added effect. Isn't there a Babelfish-style translator on the web somewhere, which automates this kind of thing?

>And then all the petals would fall off.

[The last three words here are delivered without accompaniment, five-second pause, then the trumpet'n'glockenspiel middle-eight cuts in. Rockin']

>Don't worry Mike, I love them really.

I don't doubt it. That's the thing about being a fan - you can take the piss out of your favourites mercilessly. But if someone *else* does it...

There's an argument to say they peaked with track 8 of their debut album, though... ;)

"My Wandering Days Are Over" - yes, one of my faves. I don't listen to the new album much. But "Arab Strap" was one of the best albums of the 90s. I will not tolerate disagreement on theat issue.

>"My Wandering Days Are Over" - yes, one of my faves. I don't listen to the new album much. But "Arab Strap" was one of the best albums of the 90s. I will not tolerate disagreement on theat issue.

And you won't get any from me. Consensus amongst the, er, mailing-list cognoscenti seems to rate "Strap" at the bottom of the pile, but I'm having none of that. They hit the right balance between stripped-down ("Sinister") and overly-ornate ("Peasant) in their sound on that record. There's also a shedload of personal reasons why late summer '98 was a great time to be a B&S fan, but I'll not go there...

Right, here's ya choon for the words then:

V: E/B/A/D (x4)

CH: A/D/E/D (x4)


Will that do?

I can also supply exciting harmonica/Penny whistle parts.

No, we need someone on mandolin.

Oh, that doesn't sound to hard to play...

>No, we need someone on mandolin.

Can I do the live Eno-style 'treatments and manipulations'?

Er, what would you be manipulating, for sonic effect?

>Er, what would you be manipulating, for sonic effect?

The lot of you, all at once. You wouldn't know whether you were coming or going.

The on-stage monitors would get one feed, the PA another, and me another still. It'd be like LSD *on acid*.

No, it'd be like Gaye Bykers On Acid *on acid*.

So.. anyone got a name for this group then? It needs to be 'memorable'

"Ewar Woowar's Wooing Ewes".

But is that a possessive apostrophe, or....

"The kinder surprise Surprise"

"The Simon Harries Five"

"Bent Halo's Fire"

"Jon, Suiii, Justin, PJ, Mike, Dozy, Lee & Titch"

No, it'd be like Rich Kids on LSD - on acid!

This would've made more sense had it been posted a few messages up. Sorry.

See if I hear another thing about Jeepster...

Joe, since you left that link, I wondered whether you might ever have had the pleasure of meeting little Miss. Jeepster (Idleberry) herself?

Just wondering...

We need someone on mandolin???

This isn't bloody REM you know!

And don't deprive them, because they've only got five mandolin players as it is.

Watch it TJ, or we could relegate you to triangle duties.

I told you, I'm a solo artist.

I'm too cutting edge and avant garde.
Simply not commercial enough.

Watch out for me on the next series of "Blue Jam"...

Yeah, you'll be in the credits as "Triangle player".

No, you'll be in a sketch featuring Kevin Eldon as a man obsessed with throwing triangle players in cesspools.

Face it kid, you can dream your dreams, but there's only one place where you can play your triangle with dignity: in our band.

Can I be the legendary "fifth" er... can't be bothered trawling back through thread to find out what name you settled on.
Or perhaps, just perhaps..
[At this point Sam stares dreamily into the distance, a broad smiling spreading across his face, as he dreams of stardom]

I'll start you off as our roadie, until I can find a role for you that offers less self-respect.

If its lack of self-respect you're thinking, perhaps I could be the MANAGER!
Hey hey!

OK, when's our first Peel Session then, Mr Manager?

If you are prepared to actually do this I can get you some studio time in central London if you wish, although I dread to think what would result.

Sorry, I'm too busy snorting cocaine from a high-class brasser's gusset to sort out any Peel sessions for you bunch of no-talent chancers.

"If you are prepared to actually do this I can get you some studio time in central London if you wish, although I dread to think what would result."

Probably the next B&S album.

Triangle?

Listen sunshine, I'll have you know that I am an accomplished player of the guitar and the piano, and have played in proper bands and everything!

What, both together? Blimey, I'd like to see that...

i have written you a song

it goes now then now then now then how's about that then how's about that then guys and gals guys and gals oowahhuhahuhahuhuh

No, not both at once. I'm not Nigel Tufnel.

[gasps] You're not... the bloke out of Smokie, are you?

We are not worthy!

No, I'm the bloke out of Feedback Report. You'll never have heard us.

Chris Dunkley?

No, Feedback Report.

Not Feedback.

He started up the band after he was sacked from the show.

They do songs attacking The Archers scriptwriters.

We'll never reach worldwide stardom is you keep being ditracted by TJ resume.

I have no resume. I'm not American

Go on. Be American. Just this once.

OK...

(puts on propellor hat and eats twinkie at the mall) Hey y'all, remove that script from the site already.

Jeez!

Laydeez... may I introduce the quick-chatting rap double act PJ & TJ, The J-Boys!

Ah yes, but we don't have a catchphrase, unlike Jon - who, in all probability, could be a third 'J-boy' (sounds like a suspect name to me). So, altogether then:
Fancy a shandy?

"P to the J to the T to the J to the J to Boy LET'S ROCK THE HOUSE!!!"

That what you had in mind?

If Richard Blackwood can have a career in music, any fucker can do it.

That's music is it? I thought it was just 'vanity with beats'
Music eh? don't you think i've tried? I got a song on the internet. Somewhere...

I've got a song in my heart. But it's just for Ewar Woowar.

I have several catchphrases, notably

"It was better on the radio"
"I love Ailie"

and

"The new issue will be ready on monday/tuesday/wednesday/thursday/friday/saturday/sunday/the start of next week"

I'd quite like a catchphrase.

Well then, watch the show catchphrase - that's bound to be full of them, isn't it?

(Note: Catchphrase has not used a real ctachphrase since 1993. And that was an accident. The above statement is obviously a joke)

"It was better on the radio"

Isn't that just a sit catchphrase - not limited to one person

"I love Ailie"

That more of a craving than a catchphrase

"The new issue will be ready on monday/tuesday/wednesday/thursday/friday/saturday/sunday/the start of next week"

Yeah, you can ahve that one - it's catchy in its own way (and also a phrase, so that works)

I, on the other hand, feel a catchphrase would be too limiting on my comedy persona, and would attract to much 'pleb appeal', thus rendering my subtle and sophisticated act a mess, reliant on repition of said non-existent catchphrase. Susbequently, i decide to decline any notions.

Should read:
"It was better on the radio"

Isn't that just a site catchphrase - not limited to one person?

And other mistakes to be changed as well

"I decide to decline any notions" would make a good catchphrase, though.