>What are yours? There you go, friendly thread started :)

Sadly, I can't remember it exactly, but this fabulous exchange is from Carry On Up The Khyber, between Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond and the Khasi of Khalabar. Something like this...

K: May the wisdom of the Lord Shi-Vu bring happiness in all your undertakings

S: And in yours

K: May his benevolence shower riches on all your family

S: And on yours

K: And may his radiance light UP your life!

S: And UP YOURS!

God there are so many!
Some of mine are on the comedy non-sequiturs thread above but how's this for starters: "So you don't know the way to France either. Bugger."

again.. not perfectly remembered...
"A stethoscope and a white coat don't make me a doctor Mr Wilson... I'm a tobbacconist and you're a guillable twat."

"On the streets with Bibby? ON THE STREETS WITH BIBBY???"

"Look, just automatically gainsaying everything I say isn't an argument."
"Yes it is"
"No it isn't"

"Headmaster suspended for using big-faced child as satellite dish"

and the stuff I put in the Simpsons-quoting thread.

"Are you trying to tell me coconuts are migratory."

"I'm Brian, and so's my wife."

>again.. not perfectly remembered...
>"A stethoscope and a white coat don't make me a doctor Mr Wilson... I'm a tobbacconist and you're a guillable twat."

Credulous twat, I think. Something about a 'plausible bedside manner' too, maybe.

Also features: "Well, OF COURSE, 'too much' is bad for you. Too much water is bad for you. That's precisely what the phrase means - too much is precisely the quantity which is deemed to be excessive. JESUS."

Marvellous.

>>again.. not perfectly remembered...
>>"A stethoscope and a white coat don't make me a doctor Mr Wilson... I'm a tobbacconist and you're a guillable twat."
>
>Credulous twat, I think. Something about a 'plausible bedside manner' too, maybe.
>
thats the fellah! Cheers! It certainly is a fine sketch!
>

I stooped to pick a buttercup.....Why people leave buttocks lying around I'll never know.

How about "especially one who dresses like an Australian's nightmare!"

So concise, but paints such a vivid picture.

Another one, thrown up from the previous one...

"i don't care what people are, straight, gay or australian..."

Another one...

"You people voted for Hubert Humphreys... and killed jesus"

"Bono offers sex to anyone from the former Yugoslavia"

"If we can't be free, at least we can be cheap"

"After-life, after-shave: I don't hold with any of it."

"Strap me to a tree and call me Brenda!"

"In the blue wardrobe of Heaven there are many unused clothes, too tight fitting, yet too beautiful to throw away. And in that wardrobe we hang our likenesses - yellow diaries, yellowed with yesterday, thumb-smeared with tomorrow. But the now - the present, like the hollow screech of flamingoes in search of shrimps, is still vibrantly, shocking pink."

Was reading an extract from a Raymond Chandler novel the other day, which contained the line:
"She was the kind of blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained-glass window." Imagining that being read in a Bogart type voice had me chortling a while.

'She could break a swan's wing with a blow of her nose'.

Not pigs, PIGEON...like your English!

Chewits: even chewier than a fifteen storey block of flats.

(and in similar vein): I likes armadilloes! Crunchy on the outside, chewy on the inside!

Kevin grew bored and died.

(John Cleese as a ranting headmaster in At Last the 1948 Show): I'LL TEACH YOU TO BE NEUROTIC!!!

(An eating contest in Cheers): Gentlemen, start your enzymes!

(And finally, a continuity announcement following the final episode of Ace of Wands in which our heroes appeared to get blown to smithereens): That was the last in the present series....

Not perfectly remembered:

Stephen Fry: "I don't profess to understand poetry - I'm an English teacher, not a homosexual."

Not the best in the world but memorable.

"Testicles? Bollocks more like!"

Re: Credulous twat.

I think it was actually 'blethering twat'. As in 'Of course too much is bad for you, too much of *anything* is bad for you, you blethering twat. That's exactly what "too much" means'. I think he just called him a 'moron' at the end. Great sketch.

'If we can't be free then at least we can be cheap' - wasn't that Frank Zappa?

KEITH MOON Is there a record, apart from your own, that you'd like to hear?

VIVIAN STANSHALL Er... How about St Matthew's Passion 'cos I like the Greekness.

MOON Well, we don't have that particular record, but here is George Formby singing 'I Wonder Who's Under Her Balcony Now'.

STANSHALL Too much!

More Stanshalls:

'Mummy, my teddy's stopped breathing!'.

'Sanity is a compromise'

'Keith Moon was in the studio earlier and...I'm afraid we're going to have to have that shampooed...'

'I'm anything you like - just don't ask me to join in'.

"The in laws were there, the outlaws... Denis Law was there actually..."

Has anyone mentioned "Wake up! Time to die!" from Blade Runner yet?

That's my favourite. Because it's timeless. You can just use it in so many ways. I find I quote it to someone at least once a day.

Its usually best when quoted at ear-splitting volume to a house-guest at about 5 o'clock in the morning whilst fingering a wood-axe.

2nd most quotable line from Blade Runner: "Have a better one"

Quick, someone quote Rutger Hauer's speech at the end before i implode.

Which reminds me: Blade Runner - crap Channel 5 films (except for that hitch-hiker one) - Kylie's latest video. Now what kind of career trajectory is that?

The thing is, you can do so much with a line like that, you can say it to beggars, to taxi drivers, to people at work...

Can't remember where it was from, but I once saw some otherwise unremarkable US teen comedy in which a character launched into a fantastic rant about a wrecked car, which included the lines

"would you mind explaining what size shark was responsible for this?"
"you're so dead, they'll have to bury you twice"
and
"you had a college fund, you had daylight... ALL GONE NOW!"

These have imprinted themselves on my brain for no aparrent reason.

Jon, you're so mean - maybe you're the Grim Repear in disguise. (Not a very good one if you keep telling people they're going to die.)

Jon is just bitter because he looks like Pat Sharp before he cut off the mullet...












In dream form anyway...

At least I'm in someone's dreams, Ailie...

Nightmares, sweetie.

>Re: Credulous twat.
>
>I think it was actually 'blethering twat'. As in 'Of course too much is bad for you, too much of *anything* is bad for you, you blethering twat. That's exactly what "too much" means'. I think he just called him a 'moron' at the end. Great sketch.

You're quite right - it's "you are a credulous git, Mr Pepperdyne", isn't it? "I am a conman, and you are a moron".

Also features "I'm a tobacconist, isn't it obvious?", the last three words of which can also be rendered in a Dutch accent, so as to conjure up memories of Ruud Gullit's wincingly poor contributions to ITV's Euro2000 trailers. Double the fun.

"It's gooing to be shexy..."

Here's a few of my favourites...

"My cat's breath smells like cat-food" -- Ralph Wiggum, The Simpsons.

"Having spent some time in Mexico I only wish I had time to learn some Native American" -- Dan Quayle on CBS News in 1992.

Not sure who said this one, but "After reading all those bad things that happen after drink driving, I had no choice but to give up reading"

Sam Kinison, maybe?

>Quick, someone quote Rutger Hauer's speech at the end before i implode.
>

"I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched seebees glitter in the darkness near the Tannhauser Gate. All these moments will be lost in time like... tears... in rain. Time... to die."

I think that's it.

Someone mentioned Vivian Stanshall...

"It is almost three years since Madge and Bobby Rawlinson pulled up roots and were arrested by the Parks Department. (The Mandrake screamed.)"

"I don't know what I want, but I want it NOW!"
"Fried or fried, dear?"

"Hubert was unusual...habitually he went on stilts...During the summer...with that loathsome, bluey Roman clock face tattooed about his private parts he would throw himself naked onto the lawn, and from the shadow cast tell the time with remarkable accuracy. 'Look, no hands, Auntie!' he would screech...he had been told that the lake embosomed enormous barbels, and this translated through his ear-trumpet and giggles, became 'anonymous barbers'."

"Did you know there is no proper name for the back of the knees?"

"I once knew a man of the cloth - Hargreaves. You see, the natives believed that if a man's soul was pure the snakebite wouldn't harm him. And to prove it, Hargreaves died in horrible agony." Sir Henry roared with laughter.

"Did you know there is no proper name for the back of the knees?"

'That's as maybe, but it's still a frog'

'You can stick it up your arse for nothing and fuck off while you're doing it'

I'd actually like to nominate "Them's the facts, bucky". It jeeps making me giggle uncontrollably at ransom moments when I'm out in public. Whoever you were, you excelled yourself.

When I was in Reading festival, what with all the noise, mud and drugs I couldn't help but be mentally transported back to Nam. I therefore began asking this large Goth chap "You VC?" repeatedly, after he told me to get lost and began walking away I started screaming at him that "I kakadow VC" (sp?). Anyway, does anyone know which film this comes from? I've got a feeling it had Sean Penn in because I sounded a bit like him when I was saying it.

He probably thought you were saying 'QVC"...

"We can say that the universe consists of a substance, and this substance we will call 'atoms', or else we will call it 'monads'. Democritus called it atoms. Leibnitz called it monads. Fortunately, the two men never met, or there would have been a very dull argument."

Not a comedy, but easily one of the most memorable lines of the television age:

"Try to get it back yourself, and you may not live to play with it again"

One of my favourite lines from Python -

"10p and a kiss."

From 2 Stupid Dogs:

"I want the toilet seat!"
"I...want...the..toilet...seat."
"But *I* want the toilet seat!"
"I...want...the...toilet...seat."

It's funnier than it is in print, trust me!

"I R Bab-boooooooooooooooooooooooooon!"

"can we have an eel?"

ok, not a tv show.

but it's currently my favourite line.

"I'll have a ewe please, Bob"

"Well, it just goes to show, if you're a DJ who still plays vinyl, then don't share needles - it just killed Johnny Walker!"