A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... Posted Sat Aug 19 00:35:55 BST 2000 by A Rock Star

Mr. B. Foxton, 41, plays bass, and was a member of the influential band 'The Jam', along with Paul Weller. Nowadays, he is a member of the '80's punk band 'Stiff Little Fingers', and he has given us an exclusive look into his busy life:

Monday

4.00am: Being such a rock animal (a fox actually) i don't need much sleep, so i'm not tucked up just yet. I look out of my window to see if the local urban foxes have come back to feast upon my latest tasty offering. They don't though nowadays - they used to all the time - the whores- they loved it. I'd leave out some jam and they'd just lap it up - couldn't get enough. Oh well. I'm not bothered about it.

5.00am: Have just managed to get to sleep when the phone rings. It's Jake from SLF. He says "Piss off you sad old loser." I reply "Yeah yeah Jake." These punk kids really are very exciting and revolutionary.
Jake shouts "fuck you fox-face" and hangs up. I know he's being ironic though, i mean who would really not want my innovative bass lines?

7.00am: Woken with a start by tapping on my window. Throw back the curtains to see the local children throwing stones at it again. They chant "Freak, freak". Children can be so cruel sometimes. Still, they don't know any better, it's probably what they are all shouting nowadays- you know, like we used to say, "Cool, man" and ...er...what was that great one Paul used to say to me..er..yes i remember "Get out". It was like "get out, man!" really A1 geezer was Paul, knew all the popular phrases.

9.00am: Judy Tzuke my live-in cleaner brings me breakfast in bed. It's toast and jam. Mmmm, tastes so...well...bitter. She brings me my bass so i can get to work on some new bass lines. When i write them, i just sing random words, you know- to help my concentration, today i wrote a great bass line, really catchy riff it was, while singing "i'm the taxman". God knows where those words came from.

12.00: "This morning with Richard and Judy" has finished. I tried to ring on to the problem bit, but the woman just said "not you again, piss off or i'll call the police".

3.00pm: When "Watercolour Challenge" has finished i take some hard drugs, you know, mar-ij-iyou-ania. They make "Countdown" with Richard Whitley more funny. That Carol Vorderman - phrwoor, i'd give her one. Judy catches me with my pants off during the numbers game and smacks me across the thighs. She sends me to bed and locks me in "until i've thought about what I've done, it's hard work cleaning your living-room carpet every afternoon, and i've just about had enough of it". Stupid Judy. I hate her.

9.00pm: Have fish fingers for tea.

3.00am: write my diary, like this see? Oh. The people are outside shouting "freak" again. I'm going to hide under the duvet.


Tuesday

3:00 p.m: I was awoken from my night's sleep by the phone ringing. It was Jake from
SLF (as i call them). He had some bad news. "Sorry Bruce but we're splitting up". Oh well, i sighed, that is bad news. But you know if you form a new band, i'll play bass for that. I don't mind. I'm free any time, honestly. I wrote a new bass line yesterday. It sounds like this: Thunk, thunk, Spu-dunk, thunk, Bioyng!! "Err...yeah..whatever", was Jake's reply, and then i think the phone lines must have stopped working because his end went dead. I tried phoning him back, but all i got was an old man who kept dropping the phone.

4:00 p.m: I played my usual 'Tuesday Phone Game' today:
HER: Hello, Veterinary service, how may i help you?
ME: HI, it's me�
HER: Oh, for fuck's sake�
ME: Help, i've injured my leg and i need your help...
HER: Mr Foxton, will you kindly piss off, as we need this phone line for real calls
ME: But this is a real call....
HER: Mr Foxton!
ME: �I'm a fox.
HER: I hanging up the phone now, Mr Foxton
ME: OW! This foxhunter has just shot me in the leg.
HER: After i have hung up, i'll be calling the police.
ME: Help me! HELP ME!!
Her: Good bye, Mr Foxton.
ME: HELP MEEEEEEEEEEE...(The line goes dead)

Wednesday

2:00 p.m: Whilst reading the latest issue of the NME (so i can keep up with what the 'kids' listen to), i noticed that SLF had just gone into the studio to record a new album. I phoned up Jake to find out what's happening.
"Hello Bruce", was his reply, "That was just some printing mistake, god knows how that got in there". Isn't someone playing a guitar there Jake? i enquired. "What? Hang on..." and then i heard his muffled voice saying, "Turn that fucking thing off. The psychos just phoned me". Then his voice turned back to normal. "Bruce?" he asked, "I don't suppose you know a good bass player?" No, i replied, Why? "No reason...."


Subject: Re: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... [ Previous Message ]
Posted By A Writer on Sat Aug 19 00:36:36 BST 2000:

Mr. S. Nye, 42, is one of Britains most popular and successful comedy writers. He is best known for 'Men Behaving Badly' his much loved and long remembered sitcom. He has exclusively revealed to this magazine where he gets his inspiration:

Monday

2pm: Get out of bed, have just thought of idea for hilarious new comedy. It's about a vet who...are you ready for this...is SCARED of animals! Yes i did say scared! Imagine that...a VET who's SCARED of ANIMALS. Pissed myself with laughter at this thought.

3pm: Ring the BBC's director of programming. Tell him my name. It seems they have given me a budget of £3,000,000 to make my new sitcom, without even asking what is involved. Boy, will they be in for a treat.

4pm: See a single mum with a pushchair struggling to get of a bus. This gives me an idea for hilarious new sitcom, about a mother who's also committed multiple infanticide.

5pm: Wank

6pm: Wank again

7pm: Writers' block, wank.

8pm: Phone call from Xander Armstrong, he thinks i'm great. Wank as i talk.

9pm: Write this. I'm wanking as i write. Then steal some more jokes.

10pm: I'm great, me.

Subject: Re: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... [ Previous Message ]
Posted By An Actor on Sat Aug 19 00:36:58 BST 2000:

Mr. J Flynn, 37, is one of British T.V's most successful actors. Today, we can bring you an exclusive look into his busy life:

8:00a.m. - Wake up, and spend half an hour sorting my hair out to get a funny quiff. Listen to 'Unchained Melody' by Robson and Jerome. That's a damn fine record.

9:00a.m - Check my post. No new scripts. Just bills and a message from the electricity company. They've cut me off.

10:00a.m. - An express courier van from the BBC pulls up outside my house. The driver gives me the script for the first show in the second series of 'Badger'. Read through it, and marvel at how excellent the writing is.

11:00 a.m - Phone up BBC to complain about the fact the word 'green' is used in the script. Have the sentence changed to say 'look at that brown grass'

12 noon - Lunchtime. Have sandwich cut in the shape of a badger.

1:00p.m - Get out my Robson Green dartboard for a special hour practice�
3 hours actually pass because i enjoy it so much.

4:00p.m - Phone up ITV to ask when the next series of 'Soldier, Soldier' will be made. "Fuck off, Flynn"

5:00p.m - Star drinking

7:00p.m - Continue drinking

9:00p.m - Somehow, i have found my way to Robson Green's house. In a drunken state i shove my knob through his post-box, and urinate through it, shouting "ROBSON GREEN IS VERY MEAN AND SMELLS OF BEAN". Forgot that Robson had just bought a dog, which proceeds to bite my cock off.

10:00p.m - Casualty

11:00p.m. - Arrive back at home, stuck which an erection, which will not disappear for 8 weeks. Check my answer phone for messages. The BBC has left a message saying what a massive knob i am, and how i have been sacked from Badger, in favour of Robson Green.

12midnight - Commit suicide

Subject: Re: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Dan L's Alter Ego on Sat Aug 19 10:37:19 BST 2000:

Well done whoever wrote these. A combination of excellent perception, and gifted writing - with no jokes at all stolen (NONE AT ALL)
. If i was Lee or Herring, i'd contact this exciting and youthful writer, and commisssion them for some televisual work.
(six part BBC2 series, ideally).
Keep up the good work Lads....er...i mean genderless writer.

Subject: Re: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Anon on Sat Aug 19 10:45:44 BST 2000:

Shit, i should never have used that name - it's bound to attract the attention and therefore meaningless/witless contributions from DL. Bollocks.

Subject: Re: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... [ Previous Message ]
Posted By DL alter alter ego on Sat Aug 19 11:34:28 BST 2000:

No, to do that *you'd* have to be funny. I was working my way down to this one, getting the other comments done first. The DL alterego i laughed at though, just the explanation was unnecessary in the subsequent posting. But that's just my opinion and what do i know anyhoo...

Though, who the fuck am i to judge, whoever has done this is pretty funny... it's not something you could stretch out too far though as things of a similar nature have been done before... somehwere along the road of 'people like us' and 'stella street'.

I would write 'well done' but that would sound exceptionally patronising. So i will say 'good on ya' for at least trying... the future is fucked if people don't.

Subject: Re: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Bent Halo on Sat Aug 19 17:23:23 BST 2000:

>I would write 'well done' but that would sound exceptionally patronising. So i will say 'good on ya' for at least trying... the future is fucked if people don't.

Agree. Everyone should start posting reviews and other shtuff to this forum. Why not?

Subject: Re: A DAY IN THE LIFE OF... [ Previous Message ]
Posted By Jon on Mon Aug 21 09:02:28 BST 2000:

I suggested to Rob S that we should have a separate live review section, showing stuff e-mailed in, that would get updated more often.

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