I find it works best to the signature tune of "Are You Being Served?"

You missed a Dan out!
And where's my chorus??
It should have pizzazz, flair... fuck it, just keep repeating my name... i will soak up the flava.

Dan Dan Dan Dan D-D-Dan Dan,
Dan Dan Dan Dan D-D-Dan Dan,
Dan D-Dan Dan Dan D-Dan
Dan Dan Dan-dan-dan Dan...

Neither of you have included the verses:

He's a real Nowhere Man,
Living in his Nowhere Land,
Making up his Nowhere Plans
For Nobody... (etc.)

it's to the tune of 'The Spam Song' and it keeps popping into my head whenever I read Dan's postings...
"We've got Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, The Gusset and Dan, or Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, insulted by Peter O'Hanorohanorohan and Dan, or there's Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, Dan, (Dan Dan Dan Dan/ Dan Dan Dan Dan...) Dan, Dan, pro-active comedy... and Dan." (Dannity Dan! Dannity Dan!)
CORPSES: I keep telling you - I don't like Dan!
(Dan Dan Dan Dan...)

And you're a media teacher? Tsk, tsk...
May god have mercy on our futures young and soft minds...

>Dan Dan Dan Dan
>Dan Dan Dan Dan
>
>Dannity Dan! Dannity Dan!
>
>Dan Dan Dan Dan...
>

Isn't that the Roobarb and Custard theme tune?

That could work - but you'd have to change the third line to:
"Dannity Dan Dan Dan"

>And you're a media teacher? Tsk, tsk...
>May god have mercy on our futures young and soft minds...

I knew he had no sense of humour. Like most comedy writers. (Did I mean that? Maybe. Maybe not. What the hell. It all appeals to his ego, anyway.)


Mine too, of course.

banter i feel. that is good.

Dan Dan Dan Dan
The comedy fan fan fan
His Gusset is bland bland bland.

Dan Dan Dan Dan
He'll whine and moan
He'll grunt and groan
He's a bore for sure
His jokes are poor.

Come on you can do better than half rhyming surely...

Johnny Locke Johnny Locke
Likes to hold his tiny cock
Some a times he'll bash-it-on-a-rock
Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Locke

for a skipping song...
or, alternatively...

There is a guy called johnny locke
who tried his hand at free form rock
he was awful and he fucked up riffs
so he threw himself off the Dover cliffs
and so mister locke, he is no more
he's overly acquainted with a kentish shore

things to make and do... etc...

Dan, that's the funniest thing you've ever written (no fucking competetion, admittedly). Hold onto the anger you feel, that's the way forward...

Yes Jon and it goes nicely with the Python tune about the highwayman who stole some sort of flower (can't remember the name at the mo, Dennis something.) Well done Dan.

You don't seem to realise that is what i do anyway... i was a poet long before i looked into comedy... i got drawn in from my use of words... and love of morris i suppose...
If the praise is genuine, it's misplaced... ten seconds with ideas of rhyming with words that end in 'ock' is not a challenge... i am surprised no one used the fact that my own surname rhymes with 'wrong'...

anyhoo...

Dan Dan Dan Dan...

Daniel Long
Plays with his schlong
All day long
Till thiere's a pong
That is wrong.

rhythm's a bit messy at the end, but otherwise it's much better...

there are a group of people
who never leave their name
they like to remain anonymous
and shun every bit of fame
is it that they're humble?
they do not want the fuss?
or is it pure ans simply
they are not one of us?
they are not truly human
they live amongst the trees
picking peanuts out of poo
and from their own fur, fleas?
i truly cannot answer
i do not know the score
but maybe it's difficult to type
if you have to use a claw

Phill Jupitus started off doing comedy poetry. Nuff said?

Dan thinks his comments are clever and long
But, in thruth, they are dull and sparse
Still, credit where credits due; it must be hard
To type with your head up your arse.

Still slightly lacking cohesion on the penultimate verse. a need to re read to make the beat work. but, whoever you are, you're at least improving.

This banter's betting better
it really must be said
that the dick is now forgotten
and you're thinking with your head
within a week or two of thought
you might even formulate
your very own opinion
indiff'rence, love or hate
so keep on at it matey
the one who has no tag
keep providing verse on verse
and adding to the gag...

I don't think the poetry Jupitus has done is likely to be that similar... nope, i can't see it...
Anyway, as with all the stuff i write, it's for my fun... i love doing it, it makes me smile trying to think of rhyme, especially the more tight or difficult it becomes... still, most words do rhyme, so it's only a matter of thinking for a bit... get some words for potential...
it's all wordplay, and that's, i guess, what i love...

As Haldemann said to John Mitchell: 'Never complain, never explain.'

Sorry, that last one was by me. (I must have Dan on the brain...)

(Dan Dan Dan Dan...)

Whoops, did i forget to put my name on again? I wouldn't want to annoy Dan and set him off again would i?

BTW, Dan, this is the real world (almost), not an episode of Cheers - you don't have to know everyone's name, honest.

He just keeps going on and on
While everybody snores
Do you really want me to form an opinion
Or shall i just copy yours?

No, i know you don't have to learn anyone's name in life.. i just find it a little sad that you're strong willed enough to formulate an opinion but so fragile about it you can't put your name to it... that just looks... sad... if it's accidental, fair enough....

Al, to be honest mate, you're scaring me... yo'ure chanting my name and now coming on as me... it is quite scary...

Al is all too scary
he keeps muttering my name
i have a feeling that he's just escaped
from a home for the insane
he could be doing anything
in the darkness of his home
lit brightly by his VDU
an ultra violet gnome
his actions now they scare me
his next move i do dread
at what goes on inside his pants
and in his twisted head
but as long as he is over there
down an internet connection
i know i won't run into him
or his obvious erection
so carry on old ally boy
keep up this crazy speak
you know i kinda like it
but them i am an ego freak...

That last one was poorer again... you've lost it a bit...

you should have your *own* opinion
of that there is no doubt
just look to what makes *you* laugh
and you'll soon sniff it out...

Perhaps this Dan song could be used as a the tune for his own 20-something comedy-drama: "The Dan Long show"
This week, a man in the pub accidently says "cheer up Dan, you miserable git" under his breath, in a jokey way. For the next two hours Dan then explains why he isn't "un-cheery", and anyway, what's your opinion matter anyway, when i am always right? And better than you, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

i don't ever remember ever saying that my opinions were better or worse than anyone elses... that isn't how it works... i remember complaining how the corpses opinion came across as agressively and deliberatley nasty, and how some people on here didn't have an opinion on comedy, but merely used it as a doss house... i never said anything else...

i have no issue with opinion
let me make it clear
you should all have your own
don't take anyone you hear
your opinion must come from your heart
a feeling deep inside
not from somebody else
do'nt get swept off on the tide
just go out and there and do it
follow what you like
and if anybody argues
tell them to fuck off on their bike...

Next week: Dan corners a man near the post office, whom he heard say to his friends "that Gusset Weekly isn't that funny is it? It's not too bad, but it could do with some work." Mr. Long then berates the man using seemingly inginious poems which, obstensibly, appear to be different from each other, but in fact, JUST SAY THE SAME THINGS OVER AND OVER AGAIN, FOREVER AND EVER, AMEN.

Dan, you must be the best person on this site. Seriously. What other forum can you have this much fun in such little time?

I doubt anyone would ever discuss gusset it in a post office. As has been pointed out, it's too shit for a start... and, i don't use the poems to deflect away from it.. i like replying like it, it makes it more entertaining to me to respond like that given the monotony of misplaced criticism laid on my doorstep...

<Poem removed for PJ's sensibilites>

Playboy.

Seriously though, you must be getting off in a frenzy too... you've replied a fair few times here too... admit it... you love it.

PJ has an issue
he'd like to raise with me
he's thinks that i'm wanker
and to some point i agree
but i think somewhere he has lost the plot
he's accused me of bigotry
of forcing my opinions
on everyone i see
this isn't how i think at all
we should all run free
with our own thoughts and dreams
and then go and hug a tree
but only hugging is allowed
you do'nt get nothing here for free
anything more dirty
and you have to pay a fee

It was only a matter of time, fuelled by beer and bad eye sight that i resorted to bad poetry and tree fucking... sorry.

and all the poems are the same? well, the structure is, but there's one about anonymous people, one congratualting one of them for getting better at poetry, one about john lock wanking and commiting suicide, one about al's obsession and one about your misconceptions about my stance on opinions... yep, you're right... calling someone too insecure to anem themselves a monkey is the same as saying that al is getting obsessed or that locke rhymes with cock or that tree fucking is illegal. i was wrong all along and you were right. have a badge. (it has a happy face on it).

Oh, god's sake. how much more of a slef-love fest can you set up?

self-love, even.

(Over long explanation for Dan)
Dan - the point of my song was to reinforce the slightly repetitive nature of your tirades. (Not the poetry, that is a recent development.) It was meant as a mild joshing. But if it's going to make you paranoid that I am obsessing over you (the very thought!) then I'll stop it. Fancy, Dan resorting to cheap sexual gags to make a point. Well I never.

The only thing that obsesses me is the ability you have to fill threads with your name in or on, replying up to three times to one point. If you feel everyone is out to get at you and that you must defend your opinions fair enough. But, as Justin's suggested (and Subbes, and PJ, and me) why not just ignore them and contribute to the other threads. You can't hate the corpses that much - you keep coming back. And when you're just contributing to the other threads, rather than special Dan oriented ones, you might find we are all pulling in the same direction. Or at least a less tediously, chippy, tit for tat one.

Dan

Take a holiday.

Soon as you can.

For your own good.


BTW Your poetry may not be *like* that of Jupitus. But it's about as good. No, alright, it's even worse.

Anyway, dan secretly likes me, because he copied me by using his initials to signify his postings (i.e. DL) - ha ha, rumbled!

Dan, you're self-obbsessed, arrogant, and meander on about meaningless nonsense - in fact, you're the ideal SOTCAA forum member - quick, give him a red name...

Anyway, Dan L should have his own forum i think - every posting has to contain the words 'Dan' 'Long' and 'all opinions are subjective', and Dan is only allowed to send negative postings. I have a feeling this could be a great success.
And to think, i used to have reasonable discourses with Dan...

Can i sort out these points??

Self love? Don't think so... you couldn't be further from the truth if you tried!! Like most comedians, self deprication and hatred is a goldmine, why would i not use it?

Al, your argument makes no sense! You're joshing but as soon as i josh too, it becomes me being nasty! was there some law passed where only you can mess about? i don't take any of these insults personally, it's not worth it because the majority are pretty wank, the ones that are original, i find funny... that was i responded in a similar vein. None of those poems were meant as anything other than a banter reply. no more, no less. It wasn't a cheap sexual gag; you messaged *as* me, wrote a song with only my name in it! i was only joshing with you as to why that was... if *you* can't take a little humour... etcetc...
Further, i don't hate the corpses, far from it. i just think they let themselves down by being so arrogant with their opinions. I don't see how i start off threads for my own end either. if i remember rightly, *you* started off this thread, and someone else the other. And the ones i have started have not been about me in any way. the posting three - four messages at once allegation... do you really want to rely on that? the fact that i just forget things and then post them on after. Shoot me now for having a bad memory!!

I've never heard any jupitus stuff, but i would expect a professional comic to be more talented than you or me! Again, this is done for my amusement, it's a hobby, not a career, though, eventually, i would love it to be. and to be honest, i do'nt think 6 -7 poems on a forum are representative of my ability when a normal piece would take a few hours and they all took as long as it took to type them... no brainers.

I'm arrogant, self obsessed and meander through rubbish? Well, i pretty obviously don't consider i do. I don't think i am arrogant in thinking that everyone should have their own opinion. If that makes me arrogant then i must have woken up in the middle of 1984...
Again with the self obsessed?? I didn't start this thread, i have never started a thread with my name in it or one about me. In fact the ones i have started are pretty much, believe it or not, all either about comedy or this site... shock/horror abounds!
I probably do meander through rubbish, but then, don't we all?? As i think Al used earlier with me and pete, 'who is more foolish etc etc...' *you're* reading my replies and responding to me, so... what gives?

I don't want any more attention than anyone else... you seem to have this misconception i use this place for attention when all i have done to my 'discredit' is talk about comedy, this site, or respond to faceless morons on it. If that is my crime, well, i'm guilty as charged. five years breaking rocks for 'not thinking like everyone else', 'at least trying' and 'replying to fools'... may i rot in hell for that...

Dan - yes you are obviously right. I am criticizing you for making jokes (clearly my intent) and how anyone could read your last posting and still see you as self obsessed! Well.

BTW you have started at least two threads about yourself - 'Wasted Talent' and the one after the Corpses updated the Edinburgh guide. I have continually tried to interact with what you say in a meaningful way - and yet my arguments make no sense. Have you any idea how hubristic that statement is? Do you have any idea how you come across? I guess not. Anyway, that's it for me. Bye.

But then the same goes for you... sorry i guess we just agree to differ on that...

I don't see either of those threads are about me... they are my responses, the only way i can respond on here, to the corpses attacks on me or my 'work'...

if that makes me self obsessed, then i guess i am. Sorry.

Christ Almighty, 47 postings in 2 days! And guess who wrote half of them - who writes well over half of all postings about DL...

"This week, a man in the pub accidently says "cheer up Dan, you miserable git" under his breath, in a jokey way. For the next two hours Dan then explains why he isn't "un-cheery", and anyway, what's your opinion matter anyway, when i am always right? And better than you, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!"

PJ, that's what will happen *every* fucking week...

you seem to think i am miserable... i can assure you, of many things i am, miserable i am not... if anything quite the opposite. i am so madly up all the time... still, there you go... i suppose your opinion of me over the net is probably more accurate than what i am in real life...

And hang on a minute, if he hasn't got a job yet, does that mean my taxes are paying for him to sit in a sodding internet cafe churning this crap out? Eh? EH?

Do some jobseeking, loser!

i am not on the dole, i am actively seeking work and i am writing @ the same time. just to clear it up.
and my pc is at home.
as is my book.

Book?! He's written a book?!

*slaps head, realising he's opened fresh can of worms*

You never asked and it's only half finished! But i need to come online for research for it...

"I can assure you, of many things i am, miserable i am not"

Shit! We'll keep trying though,eh?

That was a joke Dan - i like you just the way that you are...

good PJ. i won't go changing baby ;)
just for you...

Oh I see... the novel is all about a demented, neurotic failed writer who is ridiculed constantly by people on the internet. All this has been research all along...

i think a "demented, neurotic unproven writer who constantly ridicules people on the internet..." is closer the mark, but 10/10 for trying ;)

Got any interviews lined up for this week, Dan?

Dan did a degree in Aeronautical Engineering.

So surely Dan's Song would be "I Believe I Can Fly"?

Or "Those Magnificent Men..."

No postings for nearly 5 hours... has he finally buggered off?

Jon -Jon, Jon JON J-Jon-Jon
Jon-Jon Jon Jon J-Jon Jon Jon Jon
Jon Jon Jon Jon-Jon
Jon JON Jon Jon-Jon
Jon-Jon Jon Jon-Jon Jon Jon!

No. i am still here... it's just i do more stuff on week days...
but i won't be on for about... 2 days... have fun til then... don't draw on the walls.

Right, while he's away, i'd like to make this point.

Dan the self confessed natural poet, has obviously spent ages crafting his mediocre/poor poems, whereas the retort poems, knocked up in 20 seconds to piss him off, are often much more entertaining/concise.

I wonder if dan can resist replying to this for two whole days?

What a shame Dan's gone for a couple of days - that means he misses the chance (and point) of answering this exciting question:

A friend asks for your opinion on the new film starring 'soccer hardman turned actor' Vincent Jones. Do you:

a) give him/her your opinions, clearly stanig what you thought of the film, and pointing out its good and bad points, before making your final recommendation;

b) Tell them to look at "some corpse's site" written by a couple of wankers who go on about 'direct action', which appears to manifest itself in saying the word 'cunt' too many times;

c) Look at them as if you've just wiped them off the bottom of your shoe, and shout as loud as possible, right next to thier face, "Why don't you develop your own opinion instead of copying someone else's - if you were clever, like me, you would have your own thoughts";

d) Do all of the above, in the most dull and meanandering fashion possible, using dots to join the sentences as opposed to FULL STOPS and PUNCTUATION, before fucking off for a while?

Remember, you have two days to do this - i await your reply...

back.
joe. read my previous msg. took me about 10 to knock up those replies...

PJ: a.
and i can use whatver punctuation system i like... i won't be bound in by your nazi lettering regime! ;)

Well, don't be surprised if no-one reads your posts - or reads them, then thinks "cunt" and makes a mental note never to hire anyone with your name. Ever.

*giggles*

Oh subbes, I was going to apologise to you until I read that message - now I just feel absolved.

thanks.
i will keep it in mind.

*looks at Ewar*

Do i really sound like i care?

Okay so maybe i do care. Grrr.



Anyhow. Yeah. something about comedy.







Those clangers, eh?

that's a bit personal... these are tight trousers, that's all...

No wonder you sounded so high-pitched.

And there was I thinking they hadn't dropped.

>back.
>joe. read my previous msg. took me about 10 to knock up those replies...
>
>Yeah, right. You spent ages on them, then tried to make them look instantaneous so you didn't look like some sad failed writer, or whatever the fuck you are (i don't care). I bet you'd have comedy stickers on your car, wear loud ties, or shorts at inappropriate moments. If i've misjudged you then, never mind, i've got this image of you...

Loud shorts?

wow. Sex on a stick, bay-bee.

:)

funnily enough... you are a bit off target...
and they were written on the hoof those poems, so... i can't prove it to you any more than you can disprove it... just trust me on that one ;)