>Dan, I recall you saying you'd graduated recently. How's the job-hunting going?

And I'll have a Big Mac and a chocolate thick shake please, Dan.

Aeronautics jobs are one of the largest growth sectors in the world... i thank you for your interest. Please do make use of concorde.

So he still hasn't got a job then.

So he hasn't got a job then.

well done einstein...

>well done einstein...

That rapier wit will take you far. I can see why you fancy yourself as a comedy writer.

Well, as it goes, I'd had some pretty bad news and wasn't in a particularly 'funny' mood.
I am sorry if you are disappointed.

Welcome back from Dan F!

Thanks. I think... :o)

>Well, as it goes, I'd had some pretty bad news and wasn't in a particularly 'funny' mood.
>I am sorry if you are disappointed.

Not at all. But what's your excuse the rest of the time?

what, you mean why am i doing something i like? making the people i write for laugh? what do you mean?

>what, you mean why am i doing something i like? making the people i write for laugh? what do you mean?

oh for fucks sake is there any point in going through this whole thing again? (amusing as it is to the casual observer)

Mogwai: Dan has a 'specialised' group of people who find him side-splittingly funny all the time. apparently.

Dan: None of the people who you 'write for' appear to be right here right now. so stop whining on about how you make them laugh and go and do it. preferably away from this forum.

No, what you've done is pasted your opinion onto the mass audience. I am not gonna fuck off because some work shy student spending all day trawling for porn tells me too.
At least i have the courage to stand by what i believe in, not like most of the sheep on this site do...
I don't claim to be side splittingly funny. i am all to aware of my own flaws. the question is, are you fully aware of yours.

> I am not gonna fuck off because some work shy student spending all day trawling for porn tells me too.


you do make a lot of assumptions about people, don't you Dan.

Maybe I do... perhaps this is because a lot of the people on here don't ever offer up any details... maybe too scared to, i don't know... It's not as if anyone can do anything about it...
But, when people start making snide or deliberately nasty comments just to gain attention, and then hide behind childish or non existant monikers, you have to expect some sort of return volley of words.
If you don't like being called layabout students, bitter failed comedians, faceless cowards or anything like that, you have to prove otherwise. This can never be achieved with snide comments, personal insults etc.
If you have an opinion, at least have the balls to stand by it with your name and face, otherwise you're just another bum after a two second hit of fame from a second rate media forum.

Whatever happened to innocent until proven guilty?

"Maybe I do... perhaps this is because a lot of the people on here don't ever offer up any details... maybe too scared to, i don't know."

Which is why you should enter YOUR SURVEY DETAILS in the strand further up, so we can find out who the SOTCAA readers really are.

In Dan's case, it might be more interesting if he put who he'd like to be.

>Maybe I do... perhaps this is because a lot of the people on here don't ever offer up any details... maybe too scared to, i don't know... It's not as if anyone can do anything about it...
>But, when people start making snide or deliberately nasty comments just to gain attention, and then hide behind childish or non existant monikers, you have to expect some sort of return volley of words.
>If you don't like being called layabout students, bitter failed comedians, faceless cowards or anything like that, you have to prove otherwise. This can never be achieved with snide comments, personal insults etc.
>If you have an opinion, at least have the balls to stand by it with your name and face, otherwise you're just another bum after a two second hit of fame from a second rate media forum.
>
Dan, my name really is Al. You can't actually see my face, but then I can't see yours either. I am not a student. I am an English, Media and film teacher. I resent the people on this forum being described as sheep - many of them are smart, funny and intelligent. There are plenty of details on here about many of us - check Jon's readers' survey for proof.

I find your constant attempts at self-justification tiresome and counter-productive. The Wasted Talent thread was bad enough but it seemed to come to an amicable conclusion (after an exchange of messages between us, I believe...) Subsequently, your constant refusal to let anything go, even the tiniest perceived slight, acts as a red rag to a bull for many. If, as I infer from the above comments, people who respond to you on this forum are such a collective waste of space then why bother replying to them? In the past you have explained that you wish to express an opinion - but we know your opinion. You have made it repeatedly clear. You think your comedy is worthwhile, but under developed, and the Corpses were/are hypocritical to slag you off. That's it, as far as I can see. Fine. Does this discussion really have anywhere else to go?

Once again, Dan's messages here irritate me far more than my brief glance at Gusset Weekly, or whatever it was called.

Like a lot (perhaps most) of SOTCAA's readers, I have a full-time job. I did go to university, but I left many years ago. You said the other week, or whenever it was, that you graduated from your degree in the past few months. So you deserve the epithet of 'work-shy student' more than we do.

Another thing - which I wasn't going to comment on, but you've encouraged me to do it now - you say that you've had bad news recently. I'm sorry to hear that, because I've had bad news in my life, and I'm sure most of my fellow readers have too. But it's because of that that comedy exists, to raise the spirits (in many, many different ways). That's why stand-ups go ahead and perform gigs when they are grieving, that's why people want to watch them. Not to see people who want to show off how clever they are. That's the wrong approach to comedy. It has seemed to me for a while that you are taking that approach at the moment. Try to move on.

(name removed) and (name removed) write this website.

Just so you know.

If you're going to do a "less funny" version of The Onion, at least get it right. Like this:

Point-Counterpoint: Relationships

The Most Important Thing In A Relationship Is Money
By Julie-Michelle Jameson


When I was just starting to, like, date, I asked my mom what I should look for in a man. I'll never forget what she told me: "Julie-Michelle, if you want to find a man who'll make you really happy, you have to look beyond the superficial things. Don't just go with a guy because he looks like some movie star or has a cool job or plays in a rock band. Deep down, the most important thing is his money."

At the time, what with the court order she'd had to take out against my step-dad and everything, I didn't take much notice. But now I realise she was so right. What with so many guys nowadays having, like, AIDS and shit, it's really important to find that one special guy who'll be your meal ticket for the rest of your life.

Don't get me wrong - it isn't gonna be easy. You have to expect to go through a few relationships before you meet the right person. Like, I just finished with this one guy, Thad, who is this big-shot corporate lawyer with Global Tetrahedron. When I met him I thought he was the one- he had a Benz and a BMW. But after I got to know him a bit better, I found that he would only insure me on one of them. Although I still cared for him, I knew that it could never work between us.

But I know that, although he wasn't the one, going through that relationship has been like, a really growing experience for me. It's left me with a lot of happy memories, plus the cutest pair of Prada kitten heels. And I know that each relationship brings me closer to that one special guy. Which is more than you can say for that bitch Heather Bayliss. I heard she was going with some skanky rasta guy just 'cause he works for Greenpeace or something.

Some people are so fucking superficial.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------



The Most Important Thing In A Relationship Is Breasts
By Thad Richards

When I was in high school, I had a hard time getting girls to fuck me. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I never got any. But it took me a lot of work to get into the pants of those special girls - you know, the popular, good looking, stacked ones who knew that they were all that and who would make you sweat nails just to get to first base.

Since I graduated law school, though, things have been different. Just as I hoped, being able to say I am a lawyer is a big help. Of course, working for a big name like Global Tetrahedron is also useful, or should I say the paycheck is! Hot cars, the right labels, Krug and caviar - chicks love that shit.

So now I'm in a position to pick the girls I really want. And the funny thing is, I've come to realise that the stuff I went on in high school was kind of shallow. Sure, at first you can be drawn to a person by their looks or the company they keep. But I've found out that the important thing for a lasting relationship is a really big pair of tits.

Of course, it would be superficial to judge a woman on the size of her breasts alone (as long as they're at least a D-cup). Firmness and shape are equally important. You can't always tell what a girl's breasts are like just by looking at her, or even dating her a few times. You have to be prepared to take the time to really get to know them. A couple of years ago I met a woman whose breasts I was prepared to spend the rest of my life with. Tragically, though, not long after we met, I lost her to reduction surgery. Although I'll never forget her breasts and the few short weeks we spent together, at least I have a good idea of the kind of woman who'll make me happy.

Not that it'll be easy to find someone like her. Take Julie-Michelle. She was some chick I met at this bar called Players. At first I thought she was easily an E. But it turned out that she had an underwire bra on and she was only a low D at best. We dated for a while but in the end I realised I had to let her go.

Still, she wasn't a complete waste of time. It was through Julie-Michelle that I met Lianna, who has got these absolutely huge, amazing titties. I think she'll be really good for me.

Few points.
I didn't restart or dregde up any argument. i just find it a bit rich to be insulted by hypocritcal people.
I also agree that some people cope by smothering their grief with their work. That's a good way to do it if you want to. I've been writing to try and counteract it, but it wans't working. Losing someone dear to you isn't the easiet thing to cope with as i am sure you can appreciate.
Finally, we're not trying to be anything like the onion. if anything, we're trying to pull away from it...

>Few points.
>I didn't restart or dregde up any argument. i just find it a bit rich to be insulted by hypocritcal people.
Neither Jon nor I accused you of doing so.
>I also agree that some people cope by smothering their grief with their work. That's a good way to do it if you want to. I've been writing to try and counteract it, but it wans't working. Losing someone dear to you isn't the easiet thing to cope with as i am sure you can appreciate.
Absolutely fair enough. My genuine condolences - no sarcasm.
I still maintain you were wrong to say what you said about forum contributors.

>Finally, we're not trying to be anything like the onion. if anything, we're trying to pull away from it...

Well, if you will mess about with that glue....

>
>>Finally, we're not trying to be anything like the onion. if anything, we're trying to pull away from it...
>
>Well, if you will mess about with that glue....

Boh!

"I am not gonna fuck off because some work shy student spending all day trawling for porn tells me too."

I've got to wait until september until i can do this. Trawling for porn? (sigh) Well, if i must...

Further.
The points weren't made to every person who uses this forum... some of the people on here *are* genuine fans of comedy. But there are an alarming number of people on here that seem to just use this site as a way to fill their monotonous and boring lives. Now, youd have three reasons to be on (normally, i appreciate it's summer hols now)...
*Student
*On the dole
*Work from home
Most of the postings seem to come during the day anyway...
Anyway... My whole 'beef' with this site, why i 'spat the dummy' in someone's parlance...
initially because i felt the corpses were letting abrasive grudges and attention seeking headlines detract from a well thought idea... this then became more 'personal' when they 'attempted' comedy...
secondly, i find it a little sad that people come on here and are insulted by people who obviously don't have any passion for comedy at all and just come on to annoy others
thirdly, people slag off things without having attempted anything, scarcely realising that only a proactive attitude will change the scene. Critics never will.
Thanks.

No Dan. No.
>The points weren't made to every person who uses this forum... some of the people on here *are* genuine fans of comedy. But there are an alarming number of people on here that seem to just use this site as a way to fill their monotonous and boring lives. Like you? No, cheap shot. look we all use the internet. We come on this forum because we like it, and we like using the net. This is no more 'a way to fill monotonous and boring lives' than reading a book, or going for a walk.
(Also - this demographic analysis of the forum use - I know for a fact several people who work with computers and look at the forum occasionally duirng the day at work, but never mind.)

>Anyway... My whole 'beef' with this site, why i 'spat the dummy' in someone's parlance...
>initially because i felt the corpses were letting abrasive grudges and attention seeking headlines detract from a well thought idea... this then became more 'personal' when they 'attempted' comedy...
and your comments on this were a major factor in fostering the spate of remarks you refer to here in your second point:
>secondly, i find it a little sad that people come on here and are insulted by people who obviously don't have any passion for comedy at all and just come on to annoy others
I think very few people on the forum fit this description. The fact that you always rise to the bait of those that do simply encourages them. As I said before if they're so sad and worthless then ignore them.
>thirdly, people slag off things without having attempted anything, scarcely realising that only a proactive attitude will change the scene. Critics never will.
Nonsense. Criticism, even if it's sometimes savage has a role to play in any medium/art form. It simply is not valid to imply that only those who write comedy have a right to criticize it - particularly not if it's produced by a public broadcaster - and a critical response to anything is a worthwhile exercise. Yes it shuldn't always be negative, but as the Corpses suggest, it wouldn't help either if everything was met with a bland 'it's great' or - even worse - ignored.

I don't think he even believes that crap about criticism being pointless.

The tit is clearly just annoyed because someone had a go at *him* specifically.

I think we've been here before. And before that. And (I think) before that as well.

Can we just change the subject once and for all? Dan - what was your degree in? (I know someone's going to write "Being a tosser", so I'll head all of you off at the pass). And apart from Morris, who are your comedy influences?

BTW Dan - if someone calls you a tosser or something, just ignore them.

You'd be amazed.

No no, i doin't see criticism as pointless.. i just don't think it can change any system. That has to come internally. People have to make good comedy... it doesn't grow on trees...
The post after yours Al is the kind of person i mean. This guy/gal is the person who gives people who use the net a bad name. I am not saying EVERYONE who uses this site is a sad lonely loser, but some people evidnetly are... they don't have opinions or the ability to state them on their own and can only insult people. AL, i have no bones with, for want of a better description, 'your kind' of forum poster. You obviously have a passion for the genre, and it shows... what i do think is a waste of eveyones time is the 'you're crap.. coz you are' school of thought graduates.
As Mr Izzard said, we did that when we were five... "you smell... uh... coz you do..."

It seems a bit defeatist to say that critism cannot change a system - Look at how films (and tv programs and books etc.) can be affected by bad reviews from a majority of critics. This site is obviously going for long-term action and as such, needs time to develop. Its still finding its identity and its audience. All the arguements about TGP show that the Corpses are still learning about their audience. Perhaps you should give them a chance - maybe the less you say things about them now, the less the criticise you in a childish manner in the near future? But its good you (And Richard Herring) can still take interest in a site that has slagged you off recently - unlike some people, who say things such as "I won't be coming back"...

Answers...

Degree: Desmond in Aeronautical Engineering

Comedy Influences (mentioned somewhere b4 i think): Morris, Coogan, Izzard, Barker, Myers, Larson, Favreau, Groening, Thompson, Murray, Pegg, Morecambe, Reeves... A lot of comedy comes from where i came from as well... the sarcasm, irony... all from upbringing and... well, region i suppose...

As for the other things: Criticism isn't a necessity of society. If something stinks, i think the masses would know about it.. all it does is spread the word quicker.
And i actually think that the people who have left have been just in doing so. Like Shearer is in football, don't rise to the bait and the press can never crucify you personally. I stand by both stances, fight *and* flight. I personally don't see why i should leave a comedy forum when a couple of 15 year old tits who don't care about comedy slag me off in a neanderthal way, but, by the same token, i can see why other people would just rather walk away. It's the combination of selfrighteous and abrasive corpses comments and the childish followers (which, if they had any sense, SOTCAA would do well to discourage) that spoil an otherwise good idea. That was the idea of this site i thought... opinions. But opinions are very different from grudges.

I don't actually think anyone (except Peter O'hanraohanrahan) is suggesting you actually quit the forum and never come back. Just don't rise to every bait thrown at you and you'll find they plop into the water less often. Did you never notice at school the kid most likely to get picked on was the one most likely to react most furiously? It's sheer entertainment value. At the moment it's like watching a group of toddlers playing with a new toy - "press it again, press it again!" Let it slide. The abuse is nothing compared to the kind of treatment you can look forward to in the disappointingly humourless world of comedy writing.

I think Ohanraohanrahan is one of the most switched-on people on this forum. Makes me laugh, anyway.

>I don't actually think anyone (except Peter O'hanraohanrahan) is suggesting you actually quit the forum and never come back.

I don't remember suggesting that either.

"I think Ohanraohanrahan is one of the most switched-on people on this forum. Makes me laugh, anyway."

So who would you describe as "unplugged"?

I really shouldnt answer that. but I will anyway.


You mean the people i have very little time for? Ummm... D** L - seems just to whinge, and a0d for obvious reasons.

i suppose d** l isnt that bad, but i only seem to come across the whinging postings. And a0d's just mental.

>
>i suppose d** l isnt that bad, but i only seem to come across the whinging postings.

Dan! Do you like Seinfeld? What are your favourite comedy songs? Any lines you like from films/TV shows that no-one else will understand (just to show that context is everything in comedy)? Do you remember the 70s? Send your comments to the relevant threads then we can move on from this. There's a whole world of discussion out there - I think this is what subbes was getting at.

Maybe the 'whining' is relative, i dunno. It's certainly not 'said' in a whining tone. It's siad in monotone to be honest. Boring i would give you, whining... umm.. no, can't have that. ;)
The only reason i kept posting on this thread was to answer those people who kept on. i wasn't about to spread those answers all over the site.
And pete o plugged? hmm.. he probably should be... though EST is normally on available on the private, i am sure no one would mind a small siphoning of NHS funds.
All in a good cause.
Seriously though, wired? Hmm. Of all the odd statements i have heard on here, the alter ego of 'that little turd' being labelled tuned in is pretty mad. Of all the postings i've seen he's either slagging something off or defending the fact that he's not a twat. Go figure.

*sighs*

I did try.

<Justin in crackly b/w film, wearing suit, behind big HUAC desk with big ol' microphone>
"That's not the question, that's not the question!"

>And pete o plugged? hmm.. he probably should be... though EST is normally on available on the private, i am sure no one would mind a small siphoning of NHS funds.

Just because you don't get his humor doesn't mean it's not funny.
He's another of the Nash-o-likes. did i ever mention my huge crush on Johnathan Nash? Have now, anyway.


>Seriously though, wired? Hmm. Of all the odd statements i have heard on here, the alter ego of 'that little turd' being labelled tuned in is pretty mad. Of all the postings i've seen he's either slagging something off or defending the fact that he's not a twat. Go figure.

Sorrywhat?
I have no idea who you're on about.


a0d: poster boy for lesbianism.

It's humour is it?
is it... really?

I suppose, whatever flicks your switch...

The thing you didn't get.. what part?

Oh, i think i got it now...

"That little turd" was a description of one of Marbers alter egos on AP, Lawrence Knowles i think... and obviously Pete etcetc...ohan is too.

I was merely restating the point that i have yet to see a reasoned argument from some people, who just seem to use the place as an online sixth form for humour of the same level...

The hole's getting deeper....


I'll be fascinated as to what wordplay you can construct out of that. Get on with it, then. Because you will. You can't resist it.

He's like watching half a baby flapping around in a puddle of blood in a wrecked car, isn't he?

You can't help yourself... you have to tickle him...

i don't see anything wrong with my last comment. Some people on here do just act like tits. They are no more interested in comedy as i am in pottery. They want aggrovation in a safe place where they can hide a hundred miles away behind a little box and a false name. Sad.

False names hey? Here we go again.
Considering you go on about comedy sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
much, isn't it about time you left your ultra serious, special world Dan?
LIGHTEN UP.
Send a fun posting to a thread. WHose knows, you might enjoy it. And, if you don't, well you don't have to do it again.
Time to start experimenting Mr L.
And i don't mean that in a sexual way

i go on about comedy soooooooo much on a comedy site. ok. next thred i start will be about gobies. promise. :)

I'm so bored I've just re-read this entire strand.

>I'm so bored I've just re-read this entire strand.

I'm suprised your brain still functioning enough to write that message

It was tough, believe me...

tougher than mcbain?

Yes.

Surely not. The brevity of your answer concerns me. I think you lie. You lie for you carry a torch for McBain, and by denying his toughness, you deny your love.

Everyone knows McGyver could take him anyday.

McGyver... McGyver... McGyver...

McGyer who escapes using a spoon, a belt and a copy of the sunday sport... but, is he yellow??

Only if he's very very ill.

liver failure? i reckon he has a drink problem... he deffo has a hair issue...