What about a comedy set in a car park, featuring the lives of two amusing attendants. They could, uh, talk and everything! Yeah!!!

Not a sitcom as such, but I'm bored and thinking up a few ideas for those Sky One 'specials':

* Worlds Scariest Rope Swing Accidents
* When Speed Boats Flip
* When Asthma Attacks
* World's Wildest Serial Perverts (Tory Party conference highlights)





God, I'm bored this afternoon...

"When Clunes Attacks" would be better

>"When Clunes Attacks" would be better

Clunes? As in Martin?
What are you on about?! :0)

'Clunes' Classic Axe Attacks.'

TV funny man, Martin Clunes, runs wild in a shopping mall with a collection
of classic guitars, hitting people.

>
>'Clunes' Classic Axe Attacks.'
>
>TV funny man, Martin Clunes, runs wild in a shopping mall with a collection
>of classic guitars, hitting people.
>


You know, I'd actually quite enjoy watching that.
>

No it's Clunes in his natural habitat, stalking his prey.

>No it's Clunes in his natural habitat, stalking his prey.


I prefer the hitting part. Inject a bit more violence into prime-time, that's what I say.

"Two men in and a traffic camera"

The hillarious tale of two men, who sit and watch the traffic camera all day.

"It's Police Camera Action meets The Royale Family with hillarious consequences" says The Sun.

Mr Danny Baker's Idea fo a Sky One special -'Famous Chimps' with chimps dressed up as famous historical figures has some millage.

Who needs to write a new sitcom when we have obviously excellent programs coming soon like the Fitz, whic it's stars describe as "Irish Simpsons"..."Father Ted meets the Beveley Hillbillies, the Munsters and the Waltons"...and..wait for it..."Father Ted on acid".

Although i'll reserve judgement of course.

I can't believe they've made this racist Irish thing. I thought we'd abandoned this kind of open racial stereotyping in the 70's. Who the fuck's written it, Iain Lee?

'The Flat' Someone lives in a flat. Their life is a daily struggle against everything- with hilarious consequences

'Two Flat Ladies'. Two women share a flat. This duality results in inevitable conflict. With hilarious consequences

'Three Men and A Flat'. Three men live in a flat, constantly farting, drinking and talking about girls- with hilarious consequences.

'Flat-free' Some people share a flat. Their personality quirks are different. They pay no rent- with hilarious consequences.

'Tony Flattery'. Rip-off of 'The Flat', starring TV's Tony Slattery. All his mates constantly compliment and encourage him- with hilarious consequences.

'Flat Is Not the Question'. No-one lives in a flat. Things fall over in this flat occasionally- with hilarious consequences.

'Flat Flat'- a group of misfit professional twentysomethings with no knowledge of the third dimension move in together- with hilarious consequences.

'Rhona' Rhona Cameron plays a lesbian who lives in a flat- with hilarious consequences.

By the way, is the person who 'created' 'Rotten to the Corrs' around?

Those puns are far too good. You need much weak and obvious links between the pathetic title and the pathetic scenario, e.g:

"Thanks a Million" - Single mum wins the lottery

"Burning Bridges" - Three Ex-firemen share a house and deal with relationship issues together

"Four's Company" - Two sets of Siamese twins (a male pair and a female pair) live in adjacent bungalows and an on/off sexual dalliance commences.

etc.

If only...

'Pulp Fiction'- In a spin-off from 'The Truman Show' Jarvis Cocker realises that his entire life has been a fictional construct for a TV show.

'Small Potatoes' A number of men with very small testicles form a support group.

'Fight Club' The oppressed Kit-Kat minority take on their chunky chocolate oppressors in a sustained, but hilarious guerilla campaign.

If you're going to keep posting these award-winning ideas (you're making the rest of us look bad, damn you) won't it start to piss you off having to type "Prisoneer #93A234 Simon Adebisi" every time? You could always go by a truncated version of your name - "Priz", for example - we'll know who you are.

Drop-down menus- great for long usernames!

"Flat Of The Land" - there's this flat, in the middle of some land, and... er, that's it.

Damn! He made it look so easy...

(cigar falls out of mouth) Son, that's fantastic!

A few more. These, though, are being mulled over, even as we speak, by commissioning editors:

"Flat's The Way (Uh, Huh, Uh Huh) I Like It"
Richard Finch and Harry Casey of KC & The Sunshine Band play two feng-shui experts who share an apartment. Theme music by Dead Or Alive, which would make people ask why KC's original version wasn't used instead.

"Flat's Your Lot"
Three auctioneers share a flat. (Pilot episode could be called "Hammer Time")

"Where Did You Get That Flat, Where Did You Get That Flat?"
Sitcom based on the music-hall song of the same name. (The audience could sing along with it in the theme tune, that'd be nice.)
Someone moves into a flat, and it's so nice that people are desperate to know which letting agency they got it from, or whether they found it in Loot.

"Roland Flat Superstar"
Rubbish 80s puppet Roland Rat is crushed by a 200-ton weight. Every week. And then has to live in an apartment with an exceptionally low ceiling.

"Flat Eric"
Eric Knowles, Eric Bristow, Eric Idle and Erik Estrada share a flat. Erik Estrada has some eccentricities, deriving from the slightly different spelling of his first name. Theme by Eric Clapton and Eric B. And Rakim.

Hom For Lunch:

An outgoing gay man fancies his shy gay neighbour.


Liking The Bowl:

An outgoing lesbian fancies her shy gay neighbour.


Clearing The Blockage:

Gay plumbing falls in and out of love.


Sod's Law

Comedy set in biblical times about the ups and downs of a gay pot maker in the doom town of Sodom.


Keep It In The Family:

Incest on Glasgow housing estate.


Hot ARound The Collar:

Comedy about a writer with cystitis.

Should have been:

Licking The Bowl:

Hey, how about "Brimstone and Treacle", about a sinister Satan-type who charms his way into a family and rapes their mentally disabled daughter. D'oh, Dad'll be furious!

Flying Sparks - the hilarious adventures of an airline electrician.

"Zucchero Next Door"

Brilliant stuff, brilliant... we'll soon be ready to decide which of these we put into development...

Next stage is casting. I'd like some McGann brothers to play the firemen in 'Burning Bridges.' Also the one from 'Gimmee Gimmee Gimmee' and 'Thin Blue Line' to play their camp friend who is actually (chuckle) afraid of fires!

I should have pointed out that he's a collegue of theirs. That's the genius of the thing, you see. He's a fireman who doesn't like fire! Tuh, I know.

Ok Pete, you do 'Burning Bridges'. Gee had better do 'Licking The Bowl', it was her idea. Mogwai's exhaustive knowledge of US stand-up makes him the best of us to write 'Flat Is The Question'. Simon, you'd best do 'Zucchero Next Door'. Each of you give me 22 episode outlines by tomorrow. Any questions?

Oh, and Ailie can work with Neil Switus on that one about the men in the car park.

I can already see some of these ideas appearing on ITV....

>Oh, and Ailie can work with Neil Switus on that one about the men in the car park.


Can we have that bloke out of Gimme Gimme Gimme that someone else wanted?
I think he'd be a wonderful car park attendant.

Jon, you can't expect everybody to work on thier own in writing the sitcoms - they need a team of at least 20 writers, all aged 21, and sacked when they are 22 because they've become out of touch with the target audience. These people then write the jokes, regardless of the plot, and change them every 10 minutes to something that's as much comedic value as the original line. Then all the jokes are tenously crammed into the plot line, and the finished script is ready to be shown to an audience (with a few late joke changes).

Well, let's start stockpiling gags that can be stapled onto the finished scripts of Simon, Mogwai, Peter, Ailie...

The Tea Hut

by Gee



[A steam-filled building site tea hut. Inside are four tables pushed together to make one large table. There are 8 chairs around the table.]

[A tall well-built man in his late 50s (Dave) enters the tea hut. He is quickly followed by three other men: a young men (teaboy, Steve) the other two (Paul and Richard) are in their early thirties. Dave looks around and tries to wave away the steam.]

DAVE: What you trying to do Steve, take the wallpaper off? Open a window and let the steam out.

RICHARD: I'm glad I left me coat in here. There aint a crease in it.

STEVE: I aim to please.

Paul throws a sock which is hanging on peg at Steve.

PAUL: And I aim to hit.

STEVE: Get off!

[Two other men enter Mick (59) and Neville (52)]

NEVILLE: What you made all this steam for? Why didn'tya switch the urn off. Me paper will be soggy.

STEVE: I didn't mean to; it boiled when I went to answer the phone.

NEVILLE: I told you not to answer the phone. You don't know how to. Did you say �Good morning� when you picked it up? You must say �Good morning�. How you pick up the phone is a reflection on my company. I don't want you touching the phone until you can do it right. That's what we're training you for. Business is part of your course, ain't it? Right, Steve get us a tea and bring it to my hut. I gotta make some calls. White, no sugar. And make it strong. I don't like it piss weak. All you got a do is learn to organsie yourself.

[Neville leaves.]

RICHARD: "Organise yourself!" Neville couldn't organise his own arsehole.

That was amazing! You had me believing I was reading a real script!

Who would be gullable enough to buy this 'comedy'? ITV or BBC?

Well, I do get the feeling that "Zucchero Next Door" would be a co-production

The Tea Hut

by Gee

Series 1, Show 1

Recorded 27/9/00 for transmission on 12/11/00
Prog No: 01/TTR/RE45C
Running time: 243'46'03 (Edited to 27'00)
Producer: Gee
� SOTCAA 2000
--------------------------------------
(Cut dialogue is isolated by square brackets.)


DAVE: What you trying to do Steve, take the wallpaper off? Open a window and let the steam out.

RICHARD: I'm glad I left me coat in here. There ain't a crease in it.

STEVE: I aim to please.

[DAVE snorts.

STEVE: I'm sorry, did I say something funny?

DAVE: (mutters) Not bloody likely.

STEVE: If you're going to start that shit again...

PAUL: Come on, for Christ's sake.

STEVE: And if you think you're throwing that bloody sock at me like you did at rehearsal...

FLOOR MANAGER: Yeah... No, it's just... (indistinct) ... cking prima donnas. Can we just pick it up from...]

Paul throws a sock which is hanging on peg at Steve.

PAUL: And I aim to hit.

STEVE: Get off! [You fucking paedophile!

PAUL: You're one to talk! You make Iain Lee look like a granny-snatcher!

STEVE: At least my agent can keep a lid on it.

DAVE: I don't see why, you might as well be famous for something.

STEVE: Fuck you. (Pointing to Paul) I hope he fucks your children.

DAVE: Rather him than you, you scabrous ape.

FLOOR MANAGER: Yeah, we'll have to salvage what we can... No, we'll just bring those other two clowns on and carry on...]

(Two other men enter: Mick (59) and Neville (52))...

Sorry, the Username should have read "Mogwai", and not "EDIT NEWS: The Tea Hut". Got a bit carried away there.

That's a rather funny piece Mogwai. I congratulate you.

Ta.

I think this goes to show the contempt for comedy SOTCAA has.You HATE comedy.Go on admit it!!!

>I think this goes to show the contempt for comedy SOTCAA has.You HATE comedy.Go on admit it!!!

I can see why you'd think that. An entire website set up in honour of comedy, a vast sprawl of facts and opinions on a diverse range of programmes and performers, all the result of an obsession born of love for the medium, and a desire to weed out the dross and see good comedy flourish. Yes, I can see why that makes you think they "HATE it". Dolt.

Look, I've got a meeting with Granada at 2pm today, I need those 'Tea Hut' storylines ready by then, so get writing, you scum...

I can easily see this sitcom becoming the next 'Pay and Display' or even 'Heartburn Hotel'. ***Pride*** (to be associated with the talented writers)

They brought the meeting forward to 11. Thanks for the scripts, guys.

The Granada boys gave me a rollicking when they realised that all I had for 'The Tea Hut' was about 40 seconds-worth of dialogue.

"You want half a million to develop THAT?" they screamed.

So we've only got 100 grand to do 6 episodes. If only you'd pulled your weight when I asked you...

Will Zucchero play himself, or will someone else?

It was an unfinished script. I really didn't think anyone would notice that it was rather short. What do these people want blood?

The Tea Hut was a reworking of the novel I never finished:



Water. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Half a bag. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Richard struck the shovel on the drum of the mixer. He looked at his watch; 5 to 10, almost tea. He turned the drum up-right and turned the mixer off.
'You got one in there, Winkle?'
'Yeah'. Richard hated being called Winkle. He also hated Allan asking him whether he'd put a mix in. Richard had been hod carrying for three years now and they'd never come from tea without muck on their boards.
'Tea up, mate.' Richard stabbed the shovel into the sand and walked towards the tea hut. Inside were five plastic chairs, a Formica table and a small electric radiator. Richard took off his boots and stuffed them with a nearby newspaper.
'They ain't gonna dry them like that! Put 'em on the radiator. If you'd polish 'em more they'd keep out the wet. 'Ere give 'em to me.' The old bricklayer took the boots, pulled open the laces, removed the newspaper and forced the wet boots between the wall and the radiator.
'Thanks John.'
'You gotta look after your feet otherwise you'll end up with old man's feet like mine.'
'You are an old man', Richard said jokingly.
'I'm not I'm forty-two but I've had a hard life. No, not really, I'm fifty-two but me feet retired last year. And so will yours if you don't look after your boots. Your back and your feet are the two things which give you the most trouble when you get old. How old are you? You wanna get outta this game, you do.
'Twenty-two'
'Twenty-two. You wait before you know it you'll be my age. And if you stay in this game you'll end up crippled with arthritis. Get a job somewhere where you get a pension. There won't be no State Pension when you're sixty-five. You see.'
The door opens and in walks Allen rubbing his hands.
�Bitter it is. Didn't you wash your hands Winkle? Gotta wash your mitts. Especially with all the crap and shit you get in cement. Allen sits down and opens his lunch bag takes out his sandwiches and unfolds his paper.
'You haven't closed the door. You're letting all the warmth out.'
'Shut up Pupa Smurf. John's just coming that's why I didn't close it. Anyway, you won't have time to get warm � eat faster you're costing me money.'

I didn't know Smurfs went through a pupal stage. How big are the larvae?

*snigger*

Alan, stop it!

Yeah. Mistake.

Cast

STEVE - Joe McGann
MICK - Paul McGann
MELVIN - The gay one from Thin Blue Line and Gimme Gimme Gimme.

(SCENE: Fire station recreation room. MICK and STEVE are sitting in armchairs reading newspapers.)

STEVE: (turning his paper sideways) Phwooar... I wouldn't mind giving her one.

MICK: (tutting) Really, Steve, you are so offensive to women. I wouldn't be surprised if you learn some kind of moral lesson about that at some point.

STEVE: Me? Not likely, mate!

MICK: Well, I've got a funny feeling a woman fire fighter is going to join our team at some point, and prove herself to be good at firefighting, thus making you think twice about your prejudices, Steve.

STEVE: Pah! Women are only good for one thing - sex.

MICK: Try telling that to Melvin!

(Audience chuckles at this harmless poof joke.)

MICK: Has Melvin been in recently? He was off sick for literally yonks.

STEVE: Dunno... ain't seen him. And we're a man short. I hope there isn't a big fire this afternoon.

(MICK nods in a concerned way.)

(Incidental music. Fade.)

(SCENE: Later that day. Start with close up of electric bell on the wall.)

(The bell rings)

MICK: Oh no... Quick, we'd better get a move on.

STEVE: Yeah - I'll start the fire engine.

(MELVIN rushes in)

MELVIN: Am I in time, boys? Or have you started without me?

(Audience hysteria is approaching critical level)

STEVE: Are you sure you're up to this?

MICK: Yes, Melvin, have you been feeling yourself recently?

MELVIN: Ooh, well I can't get anyone else to, dear.

(Audience bursts, showering the cast with moist head matter.)

Will this do?

Very Good Peter. I trust you thought about all the fireman's pole jokes.

Here's some choice lines Peter could probably fit into his script:

"...my hose won't work properly..."

"..one minute i was messing about with his knob, and the next thing i knew, he'd covered me with liquid..."

(During an emergency) "Qiuck, everyone, London's Burning!"
"Don't worry, i've got the remote control right here, but it's not that good you know..."


"...Melvin's the only person in the world who like Ian Lee... i think it's got something to do with big penises..."

Oh, i don't know, there all crap, but what do i care?

Where's Nunuf Urbuznuz when you need him?

Theme tune:

# Ooh, yeah, fightin' fires that's our lark
# Mm hah yeah jus' three men in the place
# 'cept ones a bender bender mmmmmm
# etc (done in a cockney voice, blah blah blah). finish it off or get Rhona to do it.

I've just got my hands on the BBC sitcom writer guidelines. Basically it looks like we're supposed to concentrate on coming up with the basic plotlines first, and then if we can find a way to shoehorn "funny lines" into it then that's a bonus.

So first episode: Melvin is poorly. I suppose he could go for a check up and get an HIV test, and then spend the whole episode worrying about the result, and Steve could be prejudiced and refuse to use a hose that Melvin had recently rinsed, and by the end of the programme, Steve learns his lesson and Melvin gets the result back: he's okay! Awwwww.

Second episode: Woman firefighter proves she can put out fires as good as any man, but not before accidentally reversing the fire engine through someone's front garden in a "classic" scene that will ensure years of repeats. Then she leaves at the end of the programme because she realises that her husband needs her more than the fire service. Awwww.

Third epsiode: The local authority safety inspector pays a visit. For a laugh, Steve balances a bucket of water over the door and drenches the inspector. He isn't amused, and vows to shut down the station. But later, his cat is stuck up a tree, and he has no choice but to call the very fire station he has threatened with closure, and when he sees the cool way they deal with the crisis, he tells them that he takes back what he said - the station is saved! The epsiode ends with the inspector squirting Steve with a hose! Awwwww.

Fourth epsiode: ... oh fuck this... it's too depressing.

Maybe, in the last episode, there could be a wedding, and one person could slap another!
You know, these things just write themselves sometimes...

>Maybe, in the last episode, there could be a wedding, and one person could slap another!
>You know, these things just write themselves sometimes...

Immensely original, PJ. Perhaps we could have Portishead running on a continuous loop during every episode. And best of all, whoever thinks it up only needs to scramble together four episodes' worth of material before running out and getting other people to do the donkey work.

And people would say "It redefined the zeitgeist" or something for years afterwards.

Let's get going... Dear Michael Jackson....

Fifth episode: It's the day of the firefighter's convention. Other stations are present and one station's characters look identical to the main characters, with hilarious results. Later on Steve and the other one shack up with two female firefighters while Melvin is left on his own - that is until a fellow fireman enters....

THE SWISS COTTAGERS (ITV)

By Iain Lee and Lee Mack

Two gay Swiss men move into a flat in North London. Neither believe in long term relationships, so they usually go for a quick one in the loos with strangers. Their enemy is the evil and homophobic PC Chutney, who never ceases to attempt to entrap them, but they remain out of his grasp.

With hilarious consequences.

Georg- Kevin Eldon (Jam, Fist of Fun)
Gunther- Kieran O'Brien (Gruey, Gruey Twoey)
PC Chutney- Iain Lee (The 11 O'Clock Show, The Iain Lee Show, That's My Abortion with Iain Lee and Father)

INT ROOM

GUNTHER: Hallo Georg.
GEORG: Hallo Gunther.
GUNTHER: Was machst du?
GUNTHER: I'm off to get some cock.
GEORG: Aah- schoen!

(Cutaway of random street with brief guitar/ sax solo)

EXT: PARK TOILET

(GEORG is walking with a random bloke. Just as they are about to enter the toilet, CHUTNEY leaps from out of nowhere and decapitates the other bloke. The head knocks GEORG over).

CHUTNEY: Caught you red handed, you pooftah!
GEORG: (holds up head) Das was not what I had in mind when he said he vanted to give me head!
CHUTNEY: You'll be larfin on the other side of your fackin face when I nick you.
GEORG: Ja, I thot head was fuck-in-face.
CHUTNEY: I don't want to hear about your fackin bender bollocks.
GEORG: Efreevun has heard of my fuckin-bendy bollocks!
CHUTNEY: Stop it! I'm nickin you for gross indecency.
GEORG: Und I am nickin dein helmet.
CHUTNEY: Yeah, I'm scared.
GEORG: Sehr Gut!

(he slashes the tip of CHUTNEY's penis with his key and runs off).

Mein Gott! Das ist sehr nett.

Justin, why not have Portishead run on and start the fight at the wedding?

>Justin, why not have Portishead run on and start the fight at the wedding?

Now there's an idea. Forget sitcoms - let's make a 'Professionals' for the 21st century. Each week Portishead are sent on a mission by their boss (Tricky) to invade and disrupt the private functions of various dangerous twenty somethings. They could fight various villains like Mick Hucknall, the bloke out of the Levellers and Macy Gray.

...and Macy Gray.

Al - I don't want to open a whole can of worms here, but...is Macy Gray really THAT bad? The album's really rather fine.

Can we say Pat Kane out of Hue & Cry instead?

Macy Gray is utter shite.


(Sorry, just thought I'd anticipate the next ten messages on this thread, and save you all the bother.)

Hue and Cry were geniuses.

I think I've confounded you there.

Yeah I suppose lumping in Macy Gray with the Levellers is a bit harsh - just trying to think of something coffee table but not as 'safe' as Hucknall. But never mind all that - what about 'Portishead: Special Mission Squad'?

Oi! Mogwai! Watch who your calling a dolt .
Ever heard of a little teasing? You sanctimonius nit.Of course SOTCAA dont hate comedy.Duh!?

I apologise unreservedly for ascribing the epithet "dolt" to Schmimm in an earlier posting. I accept that this constituted an indefensible slur on his (her?) stainless character, and, as such, warrants nothing short of a full retraction which I am hereby happy to effect.

Will that do, you grumpy cunt? :)

Oh Mogwai, you little tease....

Thank you Mogwai.
Love and xxxs.
From a grumpy cunt.

Hey Jon, are you still looking for Sitcoms? I think i've got one lying around somewhere...

Yes! Yes! Post it up!

>Yes! Yes! Post it up!

No more pornographic filth of this sort on the forum, please.

I think its a bit too long to post to the forum - i'll send it to you if you want...

Cheers...

[email protected]

You should recieve it soon Jon.
i'm seemed to have got anaw with talking about it - Joe doesn't visit here often, so hopefully he won't find out...

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