I don't know. I remember a funny sequence from Inside Victor Lewis-Smith. And there were a couple of things on TV Offal that made me grin. What I can't forgive him for is his heap of shit review column.

"The circular filing cabinet - the one marked 'rubbish bin'." Oh my fucking sides.

"Mr Kettle, allow me to introduce Mr Pot." Will the hilarity never stop.

"The circular filing cabinet - the one marked 'rubbish bin'." Hang on - we had that joke just now.

"Mr Kettle, allow me to introduce Mr Pot." Oh Jesus, he's malfunctioning - he can only reproduce his four pre-programmed phrases over and over!

"The circular filing cabinet -" Aaaaargh! Run!!


Etc.

NB All that will probably be complete gibberish to anyone lucky enough not to have read his TV reviews. See if I care.

He's a lot funnier than you, Alan.

But not quite as funny as you, eh Gee :)

All of the above are surpassed in funniness by The Chuckle Brothers.

>All of the above are surpassed in funniness by The Chuckle Brothers.

Chuckle vision, chuckle vision, chuckle chuckle vision...

de-do, de-do, de-do, diddly-de-de-do-do
de-do, de-do, de-do, diddly-de-de-do-do

Chuckle vision.....

See what I mean?

To me... to you... to me... to you...

No slacking!

Apparently, Victor Lewis Smith hated my old boss Jason Pollock, a former TV-AM "Entertainment" producer/presenter who set up his own production company in the early 90's. Pollock has quite a reputation in the TV industry, for various reasons. In his sofa days, he once told me, he had a go at Victor about some anti-TV-AM review, and Victor's never forgiven him.

Victor went to town with corking reviews of three shows I worked on for Jason, my earliest researcher credits in the biz, which I have now framed on my loo wall. About Clare Catford, host of "Emergency", he said, "a poor man's Emma Freud"; about "Carrier's Caribbean" a no-budget epic cookery series cocked up by the director in Jamaica and mostly re-shot in Robert Carrier's Suffolk back garden, "I don't understand why they went all the way to the Caribbean to film lamb kebabs - hardly a dish synonymous with Jamaica - when it could all have been so easily achieved in a studio in the UK"; and he was equally witty about "The Computer Show", presented by a former TV-AM geek and failed Fleet Street editor Charles Golding, "a tragic example of a bow tie wearing a man".

Victor would typically end each review with something like, "I wasn't surprised to see Jason Pollock named as the executive producer of this production, because truly it was Pollock's".

Jason, ageing queen, friend to Stanley Baxter, Anita Harris and Hinge and Bracket, was distraught over the reviews, but we all thought they were hilarious - they summed up our frustration at having our great ideas, plans and hard work compromised or ruined by poor management and production. We tried very hard to make those six-part series as good as we could on the miserly £18,000 daytime TV budget, but every one of them seemed to go horribly wrong, usually because cheap/ inexperienced/ careless/ shite producer/directors were hired, or low-cost edit facilities were used.

The BBC commissioning editor had high hopes for "Carrier's Caribbean", but she was so disgusted with it that it was buried in a BBC2 slot opposite "Neighbours" on irregular days, in the hope that no-one would ever see it. Carrier himself, a vicious-tongued and petulant old man, had hoped it would revive his TV career in the UK, but he subsequently told Pollock, "Jason, you have ended the career of Robert Carrier".

Sadly, Jason's company Entertainment Partnership, jointly run by former teacher and failed marketeer Tony Fitzpatrick, went into receivership in February 1996. The library and office were broken up and sold off and we were all made redundant, except Jason who managed to find himself another management job and sat there swigging champagne in his office while we grabbed what we could from the office (I still have that comb-binding machine) and trooped off to the pub.

That's when I went on to do work experience on "Fist of Fun" series B, and the rest as they say is history....Live TV, "This Morning", "Now.com" and Carlton have followed, but they've never quite lived up to those few weeks in the company of Rich, Stu, Sarah Smith, Jemma Rodgers and the clash of the two Rod Hulls. Now if only I lived in Cumbria, I'd love to work on one of Victor's shows...

now back to the serious stuff....

No, thanks for taking the time, Simon.

Better than vague criticism, eh?

why does the name Simon Harries ring a bell? Is he someone important?

Er... were you a big fan of 'Carrier's Carribean', taping it and reading through the credits?

That would seem to explain it.

Not sure that's the reference I'm thinking of. Did he do 'Ibiza uncovered' too?

>Not sure that's the reference I'm thinking of. Did he do 'Ibiza uncovered' too?

No, thank God! I've done little worth mentioning actually, but I did my utmost to get classic comedy items and guests onto "This Morning" during my stint there. Also, due to a typo created by accident on the autocue, Fern Britton announced in October that Dick Emery would be back after the break! I'm currently working on a new clip show for Sky One, digging out terrible acts from various TV talent shows like "New Faces" and "The Spanish Archer". Mystique the Escapologist, anyone?

>Mystique the Escapologist, anyone?

My dad, if you don't mind. He was very talented.

Shit talent shows. May I point you in the direction of Keith Chegwin's 'Sky Star Search' (early 90's), the only programme ever worth watching on Sky One. They appeared to have the admirable philosophy, that if an act turned up to the studio, they got on the show, none of that audition crap. Forget his later nudey-bollocks stuff, this programme was pure class.

>Shit talent shows. May I point you in the direction of Keith Chegwin's 'Sky Star Search' (early 90's), the only programme ever worth watching on Sky One. They appeared to have the admirable philosophy, that if an act turned up to the studio, they got on the show, none of that audition crap. Forget his later nudey-bollocks stuff, this programme was pure class.

Many thanks for the tip - we're looking at that, also a rather amusing Pearson- syndicated show from Australia called "Pot Luck". There's a widely seen out-take (it's been on "Tarrant") of a camp bloke doing a high-kicking dance routine, whose ham string breaks mid-way through the act and he collapses on the floor. The host has to assist him off stage. I'm not sure which is the more amusing. But many more "Pot Luck" acts cry out for another chance to be seen.... including the man playing a stuffed lizard which has a flute, mouth organ and kazoo cunningly disguised inside it, with hilarious consequences... To play the kazoo he has to blow up its back passage.

Thanks also to Mogwai for the Gong Show comment - I recall a mid-eighties ITV version with Des O'Connor, but sadly my senior producer doesn't consider it appropriate. Read into that what you will...

>Thanks also to Mogwai for the Gong Show comment - I recall a mid-eighties ITV version with Des O'Connor, but sadly my senior producer doesn't consider it appropriate. Read into that what you will...

I'm really really really sorry for knowing this....but it was called "Pot Of Gold", and was on as recently as the early 90s. Garry Bushell was a resident judge (chills the blood, yes?). The Gong Show element was featured in a five-minute filler spot called "The Wannabes". (Pre-Spice Girls, this.) I seem to remember from when I half-watched it while waiting for Cracker to start that they had 30 seconds to "do" their act before being gonged off. Amazingly, Napalm Death did not achieve their big break this way.

Des O'Connor was the host, though.

I believe it was Pot Of Gold that a friend and I were watching one shitty evening in 1993, while waiting to go out. The show kicked off with Des, lovely Des, giving us a side-splitting comedy routine to get us warmed up. The subject? Postcodes. "I can't get the hang of mine, can you? HPGH, LX432R... I can never remember it for the life of me..." etc, to gales of pre-recorded laughter. My friend and I both found ourselves slack-jawed - even if the show was pitched at senior citizens, postcodes are pre-war, for Christ's sake. What was his opener going to be next week - "These new horseless carriages, eh? What's that all about?"

I had the rare privilege a month later at a party to drunkenly slag off this dreadful routine, and the lazy streak of piss who must have written it, while unbeknown to me that very same streak of piss was standing behind me listening. Apparently she was very upset, which to be honest I don't understand - if you're going to write abysmal shit and get paid for it, at least have the courage to face up to it, just like Victor Lewis-Smith often does, he said, remembering what thread he was on and trying to wrench it back to the point.

Why the hell does my machine do th

As far as I remember the British version of 'The Gong Show' was hosted by Frankie Howerd. It only got one pilot showing in the eighties on Channel Four. I remember two student women doing a dreadful double act and getting gonged off by guests Barry Cryer and Babs Windsor. This apparently got the two girls an acting job on the Rory Bremner show, they now do the Philidelphia Cheese adverts, there you go.

>As far as I remember the British version of 'The Gong Show' was hosted by Frankie Howerd. It only got one pilot showing in the eighties on Channel Four. I remember two student women doing a dreadful double act and getting gonged off by guests Barry Cryer and Babs Windsor. This apparently got the two girls an acting job on the Rory Bremner show, they now do the Philidelphia Cheese adverts, there you go.

Ah, an interesting lead to investigate - the sad, forgotten, student past of Sara Crowe and her dumpy, dark-haired friend. Then - as now - they eked out a living during a time of talent famine.

If I find out more about this early Channel 4 pilot, I'll let you all know - you're obviously gagging to find out! Maybe Victor's got a copy... He's got all the Yorkshire and Central TV Christmas tapes, because the rarely-seen "rude" version of Bullseye from those Nottingham archives cropped up in TV Offal, along with Richard Whiteley's yawn from "Countdown".

Speaking of Victor, anyone care tor recall any of his other really harsh critiques? I bought a book of his collected reviews once, "Inside the Magic Rectangle", with some choice remarks about people like Esther Rantzen, and Libby Purves, though I don't recall them at the time of writing.

Two years ago, he did a mildly amusing one about Gaby Roslin, writing a whole review around the central theme of a new verb being introduced into the O.E.D, "To Gaby" (feel sick) followed by an adverb "Roslin" (violently), so when people say they've Gaby Roslined they've vomitted spectacularly.... I found it mildly amusing the first time (assuming it was the first time when I read it), but I think he and his co-writer Paul Sparks use this construct every couple of weeks.... It says a lot about their opinion of the Evening Standard readership.

RE: Sara Crowe and the other one.

I'm sure the first thing they were on was an early evening thing on BBC2 around 1982, a sort of sketch show where the leading idea was it was supposed to be a glossy magazine... I saw the first one, I don't know if it ever had a full series or what it was called. Anyone know what I'm on about?

Yeah, I sort of vaguely remember that... I think it might have been called SWALK or something similar... BA Robertson doing the musical slots is all I can recall for certain.

BA Robertson, yes. But S.W.A.L.K was a drama series on C4 years later.

Okay, given that someone's actually brought up BA Robertson: what was the deal with this man? For some reason I associate this name (and the succession of shit suits to go with it) with kids' TV in my youth - Blue Peter etc. Was he on almost every BBC kids' show? Or am I making this up? And if he was on everything - WHY?

He had a hit with 'Bang Bang' in 1979.

>Okay, given that someone's actually brought up BA Robertson: what was the deal with this man? For some reason I associate this name (and the succession of shit suits to go with it) with kids' TV in my youth - Blue Peter etc. Was he on almost every BBC kids' show? Or am I making this up? And if he was on everything - WHY?

He composed the "Wogan" theme, along with some other 80's themes, and was often a guest on "Saturday Superstore". Plus, in an episode I've got of "The Kenny Everett Video Cassette" (Thames, 1981) he's the guest singer, with a really shite song called "Sex on the Radio", filmed in the Teddington studio gallery with a line of shop window dummies sitting in the production seats. He must have been well connected with all those Kenny Everett/Mike Read D.J. types... Or maybe people just saw his mullet and big nose and thought, "Mmm, we should get this guy on TV as often as possible".

>RE: Sara Crowe and the other one.
>
>I'm sure the first thing they were on was an early evening thing on BBC2 around 1982, a sort of sketch show where the leading idea was it was supposed to be a glossy magazine... I saw the first one, I don't know if it ever had a full series or what it was called. Anyone know what I'm on about?

It was called 'Dear Heart' wasn't it? I think I used to watch it - but I can't remember why.

BA also composed the themes for Swap Shop & Saturday Superstore and had an awful lot to do with the 1982 Scottish World Cup record (the John Gordon Sinclair one). I think that he had some solo chart success in the 70s but his Sat morning kids tv appearances in the 80s surely only resulted from his name appearing in the credits every week, some bizarre loyalty thing from Edmonds/Read. Didn't he also write the Brown Sauce (Edmonds/Chegwin/Philbin) hit(?) "I Just Wanna Be A Winner".