What gameshow is this? "Iain Lee's Call Me Daddy"?

"Kiddystare ... with Ian Lee"?

Oh, don't start... look in one of the 11OCS strands, there was a genuine ad from C4, wanting contestants for some show he was going to be doing. That's all I was enquiring about. Sorry I bothered now...

... "Spot The Ball?" ...

Iain Lee's game show called "Wankety Wank", presented of course by TV's Iain Lee.
Iain runs this 30 min B-list star studded Wank-fest on a set that resembles a mans naval, complete with giant crusty Y-fronts. Iain gives cryptic descriptions to the stars of activities he might be engaged in and they have to guess the activity. Examples would be "I'm usually doing this every waking moment I'm alive..what is it? Bobby?"
Bobby Davro: "Wanking Iain?"
"Yes! Correct, well done Bobby."
"I once did this in front of my gran, who then had stroke, not in the literal sense im afraid! What is it?"
Keith Harris: "Wanking Iain?"
"Correct Keith, how ever did you guess? You haven't got Orville down under the desk helping you have you? I mean besides giving you a sly blowjob?"
Keith Harris: "No Iain."
"Haha, all in good fun Keith, just promise me you wont go fixing any roof-bound TV aeriels anytime soon! Hohoho."
"Now Chuckle Brothers, do you have any idea what this next activity is? I got busted for doing this outside a primary school once, but none of the kids would of sucked on this sweet and creamy butter candy. What was I doing through the fence into childrens tiny bemused faces?"
Chuckle Brothers: "Wanking Iain?"
"Well I must say you lot are really doing well today, I don't know how your guessing all these so quickly."
"Keith Chegwin, you cheeky chappy, this is the last question of the show, now if you can get this right you can go on to the final bonus round where you can win a signed picture of me wanking, with the quote 'I take what Chris Morris does and extend it'. Are you ready Keith?"
"I sure am Iain, He-Hee!"
"Oh you cheeky little so and so.. ok now once when i was younger and high as a billy goat after sniffing glue and magic markers in the local graveyard i frequented, I regained concsiousness whilst doing this activity in the middle of the night into my sleeping Dad's open mouth. What was it?"
"Wanking Iain, He-Hee!?"
"That's Right Keith! I must say I did just that a fair few times while watching your great show, I had no idea what it would be like, i misread the paper and thought it was a hardcore pronography show called 'Naked Bungle' I thought great a fat camp bear in the neud I'll have to crack one off over that later, maybe Bagpuss will come round as the plumber and then take Bungle over the washingmachine near the end! Ho ho, how I was mistaken! Still seeing your tiny acorn Keith made me wish I was a squirrel! Ok now its the bonus round, come with me Keith to play 'The Thallus from Dallas!"
The Giant Crusty Y-Fronts part of the set scrolls away to reveal a giant bucking bronco cock ride, Keith dons a 10-gallon hat and spurs and climbs onto the giant meat and two veg and sits in the saddle.
"Ok now Keith, your objective is to ride my giant bucking cock for 30 seconds to make me blow my load and to win, or if you dont manage to hang on and suffer from premature ejectulation then you lose and receive 10 signed photo's of me and a candlelit dinner with me at the Blue Oyster Bar. Are you ready for me to switch the machine on Keith?"
"Yes Iain, He-Hee!"
Iain flicks the switch and the giant bucking thallic contraption sets into motion bucking keith this way and that, Keith grabs onto the foreskin with all his might and manages to hold his own, and stays on past the 30 second deadline, sirens and alarms go off and so does the bucking knob-end, which then pumps gallons of cream all over the studio audiance and Keith himself.
"Ho ho ho Keith you won! And my cock's gone off like a spunk bomb, pity you've only got a 10 gallon hat, because theres a least 40 gallons all over the studio audiance ahahaha."
Iain then loses what little sanitry sanity he has and starts to laugh maniacally and uncontrollably, then whipping out his shame and pounding it into submission in full view of the audiance, he starts to do it even more profusely and drops to the floor curling into a foetal position while still pulling his plonker and giggling childishly to himself.
The audiance then starts to look very worried and back out the exit doors very slowly and caustiously, it is at this moment when the producer of the show runs out saying the BBC board have been watching this pilot and dont like what they see, the show has been cancelled, none of the 'celebs' will get paid. All the celeberities then descend upon the foetally babbling Iain and kick the living piss out of him, the Chuckle Brothers were especially cruel in wearing steel toe capped boots but you need gear like that when you live on an council estate and are a suspected paedophile.
Well the bad news is Iain recovered and the BBC cancelled the program, but the good news is Ginger TV liked the pilot and are now producing it for Channel 5, it will be scheduelled in competition to Channel 4's equally amazingly written and performed 'Something for the Weekend'.

Fantastic!

Or maybe he's just going to actually really read the real news. That would be really postmodernist.