Did you see the trailer? One of the best bits of comedy I've seen all week: 'Ross Kemp is a top lawyer...' Yeah right. More like 'Ross Kemp is a cockney no-neck bastard in a suit we've crowbarred into our prime time series in a desperate attempt to gain some viewers...'

On the set of In Defence:


Director: Come on Ross give it another try. Ok, places everybody. From the top.

Ross: Sharon I want...

Director: Karen! It's Karen Ross, Karen. From the top.

Ross: Karen I want you to tell me the truth. Did you see who killed your brother? Phil have you...

Director: Ross, that's Neil. You're on the another channel (Aside) Well let's hope he is. Bastards got the range of a spud gun. Places. Ross from the top.

Ross: Did you see who killed your brother? Neil have you got those reports from the corona...

Director: No love. It's coroner. A 'corona' is a white hallow around the sun. Listen Ross, darling, look around. See the set, it's an office ; a lwayer's office. It isn't a pub or a garage or a gym. It's an office. Somehow Ross you've got convince the people watching your intelligence warranted the bestowing of a degree. At the moment I doubt if anyone would think you capable of opening a door. Right, stop the talking ; get in your places and let's get it right.

Ross: Neil have you got those reports from the...cor-ron-ner...I ...want

Director: Just keep going we'll dub it later.


Ross: I want all the details. I wanna know the exact time he died. I wanna know if it was the overdose that killed him or the gunshot to the head. Something doesn't add up and I've hunch we'll find the answer in that report...I...er

Director: What's a matter? Why have you stopped? Is there something wrong Ross?

Ross: Yes it's this character. I think what's needed is a lot more depth: what about if he nutted someone in the office over a row with the coffee machine?

Director: What he has a row with a coffee machine?

Ross: No with an office junior or something. What about if I push someone down the stairs? How about making him an ex-para who's killed one Argie too many?

No one liked my Ross bit then? I thought someone might at least say it was 1992 or something.

I loved it - especially the 'corona' gag - just couldn't top it or add to it. This must be the most ridiculous miscasting of an ex-soap star to date, surely?

What about Michelle Collins in a comedy - the craggy faced old cow.

Thanks Al I'm glad you liked it. It's nice to get some responce, especially if you've spent 15 mimutes of your time on something. I had hoped someone would add to it. Oh well.

I've always thought that Adam Woodyatt deserves a spin-off series of his own. 'Beale' - prime-time Sunday night BBC1 show, bit like Heartbeat/Ballykissangel. Ian leaves Walford to set up a chain of chippies along the south coast: beautiful scenery, comedy local inhabitants...

The Dodgy Businessman - Frazer Hines
The Smelly Man - Rodney Bewes
The Love Interest - Trisha Yates or David Essex for added storyline potential

And solves crimes with his kids.