CHILDRENS’ TALKING BOOK (A)

FX: CASSETTE BEING PUT INTO MACHINE. CLICK OF BUTTON.

[WELL-WORN OLD CASSETTE QUALITY. TAPE HISS THROUGHOUT]

STORYTELLER
The Famous Five Go To The Sea, by Enid Blyton. When you hear this noise...

FX: TWO SHORT BEEPS

STORYTELLER
Turn the page.

GRAMS: TINKLY MUSIC BOX (UNDER)

STORYTELLER
Chapter One: ‘Home For The Holidays’. [PAUSE] ‘A boat?’ said Julian, eyeing his cousin suspi...

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

RADIO 2 DOCUMENTARY (A)

NEW RECORDING CUTS IN WITH A SQUEAK

[FM STEREO SOUND QUALITY]

GRAMS: RADIO TWO JINGLE

JOHN LENNON
[CRACKLY ARCHIVE RECORDING] This is John Winston Lennon on BBC Radio One VHF saying, ‘Good Moaning’ to yer good Christmas selves and elves.  Top of the milk to yer, please pass the cornflakings...

GRAMS UNDER: INTRO OF "IMAGINE" BY JOHN LENNON

PAUL GAMBACCINI
Radio Two presents ‘Imagine There’s No Heaven’ - a celebration of the life and death of John Lennon. Part Seven - ‘Yoko, Heroin and Bread’.

["IMAGINE" CUTS OFF AS THE VOCAL BEGINS]

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

RADIO 4 COMEDY SHOW (A)

NEW RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

[FM STEREO SOUND QUALITY]

RADIO 4 ANNOUNCER
...in the chair, as always. But before that, it’s time once again to fasten our seatbelts, brace ourselves, and above all...Don’t Touch That Dial!

FX: BURST OF COMEDY RADIO TUNING

JOHN MAJOR
(STOCK TAPE) Parallel currencies...

FX: COMEDY TAPE WIND

TONY BLAIR
(STOCK TAPE) Education, education, education...

FX: COMEDY RECORD SCRATCH

MARGARET THATCHER
(STOCK TAPE) I’m enjoying this!

FX: MORE COMEDY RADIO TUNING

OLLIE
I don’t think we can really say that, can we?!

GRAMS: LOOP OF INTRO TO "INFO FREAKO" BY JESUS JONES. [GRAMS UNDER]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Aaaaand nowwww, coming to you liiiiiive from the Fidel Castro Fun Palace, Newcastle - The Pamela Anderson Theory presents...‘Don’t Touch That Diaaaaaaaaal’!

FX: AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AND CHEERS ENTHUSIASTICALLY

GRAMS FADES

SEANY
Alright, alright, settle down. You’ll get your money at the end of the show!

FX: AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

SEANY
I'm Seany

OLLIE
I'm Ollie

DAVE
And I'm Dave.

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

DISCUSSION (B)

NEW RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

SOUND IS IN NOW BOTH CHANNELS, BUT MONAURAL

MIKE AND JOSEPH ARE NOW JOINED BY EVANS.

FX: KETTLE BOILING.

IN THE BACKGROUND, JOSEPH SINGS TO HIMSELF AS HE MAKES TEA

EVANS
...which is how it should have been, but y’know, I’d just crashed into him, right?

MIKE
[CLOSE MIC THROUGHOUT] Right.

EVANS
So, like, he came out of his car, like...walked over, and said, ‘well, y’know...you’ve dropped a right bollock there, haven’t you?’.

MIKE
Are you insured?

EVANS
Well that’s what he said. And, hey, you’ll never guess who it was.

MIKE
Who?

EVANS
Falklands hero Simon Weston! [PAUSES FOR EFFECT] At least, I think it was him.

JOSEPH
[SHOUTING FROM ANOTHER ROOM] Cuppa tea, Rich?

EVANS
[SHOUTING BACK] Three please, Jose. [TO MIKE] Anyway, it was only when I got back on the motorway, just between Cadoxton services and the Swansea turn-off, that I realised that, y’know, Evans, that’s me, and driving don’t mix. So I came on the train. What’s all these wires? Have you started without me?

MIKE
Not yet. We’re just setting up for discussions and stuff.

EVANS
That tape’s running, though. [CLOSE MIC] Hello-oo? Cor, wired for sound or what?

JOSEPH RE-ENTERS THE ROOM

FX: CLATTERING OF TEA MUGS

JOSEPH
[SING-SONG VOICE] Cuppa tea, sirs?!

EVANS
Yes please...

JOSEPH/EVANS
...Mr Hollingsworth!

JOSEPH AND EVANS BOTH BURST OUT LAUGHING

EVANS
Bloody ’ell. Wires; tea. This is fun. Any biscuits?

JOSEPH
Only if you’re a good boy.

EVANS
Hey, you know me. Why are we taping us now then, if we haven’t started?

MIKE
Well, y’know, I thought it would be good to keep all the discussions on tape, for future reference - just in case we come up with something good we can use.

EVANS
Yeah. I might fart later on. We’ll be gutted if we don’t get that on tape. [LAUGHS]

JOSEPH
Wind it back, actually. Check if the level’s okay.

MIKE
Right. This one here?

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO 4 COMEDY SHOW (C)

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

OLLIE
Sellafield!

DAVE
Group 4!

SEANY
Spice Girls!

OLLIE
The National Lottery!

DAVE
Millennium Dome!

OLLIE
Sellafield! Errrrrmmm...

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

DISCUSSION (C)

NEW RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

FX: BURST OF FEEDBACK

THE RECORDING IS NOW IN STEREO - MIKE ON THE LEFT, JOSEPH IN THE MIDDLE, EVANS ON THE RIGHT

JOSEPH
...at’s better. Man your microphones, men...

EVANS
Cor! Ster-e-ohh! Can I use the blue one?

JOSEPH
Right - Evans on blue, Mike on red.

MIKE
What about yourself?

JOSEPH
I’m the equilibrium, I don’t need one.

PAUSE

EVANS
Where’s the booze, Jose? To be honest.

MIKE
[CLOSE MIC] Radio comedy show session, twenty sixth of September...twenty five to three. Burnt Oak, Edgware. Joe’s flat.

EVANS
But you’ve got all scripts and stuff. I haven’t written anything yet.

JOSEPH
S’okay...nothing’s set in concrete. We can work from Mike’s for now. He’s written loads.

EVANS
What a poof!

SOUND OF RUSTLING SCRIPTS

MIKE
All the new stuff’s in my bag. Where did I dump it?

JOSEPH
In the hall...bung the kettle on, yeah? Since you’re vertical n’that.

MIKE
Right.

EXIT MIKE

PAUSE

EVANS
[WHISPERS] Jose, what am I actually doing here?

JOSEPH
What’s wrong? Don’t you wanna be in it?

EVANS
Well, y’know...I’m not a comedian. None of us are. We don’t know sod-all about writing radio comedy. I mean, what’s it gonna be about? Being Welsh?

JOSEPH
Mike’s not Welsh.

EVANS
Well, he might as well be, for all the good it’ll do us.

MIKE RETURNS

FX: MIKE UNZIPPING HIS BAG

JOSEPH
It’s no big deal.We’ll be no worse off if it fails. We’ve got nothing to prove. Unlike most Radio 4 comedians.

EVANS
Yeah, well...I think it’s cruel: putting comedians on radio just so people can laugh at them.

MIKE
I thought we could start with this one. ‘Awards Ceremony’.

EVANS
Lemme see. Cor, did you do this on a computer, Mike?

JOSEPH
‘Awards Ceremony’? I thought we’d decided to scrap that one.

MIKE
No, that was ‘Acceptance Speech’.

EVANS
What page?

JOSEPH
Page seven. Looks the same to me...yeah, this is the one. You’ve just changed the title!

MIKE
Can’t we try it? We can cut it if it doesn’t work.

JOSEPH
What do you reckon, Rich? You get the casting vote.

EVANS
Can’t even find the bugger, to be honest. Has mine been photocopied right? It’s upside down. Or maybe I am. Hard to tell in this hell hole.

JOSEPH
Mine’s okay. Apart from ‘Awards Ceremony’.We can’t use this, Mike. It’s awful.

SOUND OF TURNING PAGES

EVANS
‘Psychiatrist Sketch’, ‘Train Announcement’, ‘News Report’...

JOSEPH
‘News Report’ is okay. ‘Psychiatrist Sketch’ is a bit Python, don’t you think?

MIKE
Post Python.

JOSEPH
Whatever. I’m sure we cut most of these, didn’t we?

MIKE
You haven’t seen this one. Page twelve.

SOUND OF TURNING PAGES

JOSEPH AND EVANS GIGGLE HALF-HEARTEDLY AND SPORADICALLY AT THE SKETCH IN UNISON.

JOSEPH
No, I don’t think so.

MIKE TUTS

EVANS
This is funny.

MIKE
[HOPEFULLY] What?

EVANS
This face I’m making. [JOSEPH LAUGHS] See? Hilarious.

MIKE
So, what are we gonna do?

FX: KETTLE BOILING

JOSEPH
Make some tea. Mike?

MIKE SIGHS AND EXITS

PAUSE

EVANS
[WHISPERS] This was a bad idea, wasn’t it?

JOSEPH
We’ll see.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

FERRIC LAYERS (A)

A SEQUENCE OF AUDIO SNIPPETS ARE REVEALED IN QUICK SUCCESSION. SOUND QUALITY DIFFERS FOR EACH SECTION.

[OFF-TV MONITOR QUALITY]

GRAMS UNDER: ACID JAZZ MUSIC

DISEMBODIED VOICE
A man, he walketh into-ooo a bar...ouch, said he...for ’twere an ir-on barrrrr...ha ha haaaaaa...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[HOLLOW SOUND QUALITY, IN RIGHT CHANNEL ONLY]

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BREAD
...decided not to uphold her complaint, Joseph, but, obviously, if you insist on sending stuff like this through the post then you’re bound to get into troub...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

AFRICAN VOICE
...travelled to Zimbabwe to find my roots. Turns out, I only had one...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[CRACKLY ARCHIVE QUALITY, AS PER 1940s RADIO BROADCAST]

MAN 1
[SING SONG VOICE] Cuppa tea, sirs?!

FX: HUGE 1940s AUDIENCE LAUGHTER

MAN 2
Yes please, Mr Hollingsworth.

FX: 1940s AUDIENCE LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[FM STEREO QUALITY, WITH HISSY INTERFERENCE]

RADIO 4 ANNOUNCER
...and ‘Yes We Have No Saltmines’, Radio 4’s long-running satirical glance at the demise of Britain’s saltmines and nothing else, celebrated its thousandth episode yesterday. John Walters was there to...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[ANSAPHONE QUALITY]

JOSEPH
...no one at home at the moment, but please leave your name and number after the tone.

FX: BEEP

A GIRL
Hello Joooee, hi - it’s Vanessa. Just calling to say yes, I’d love to read the credits in your show. I’ll call round later in the week...mmmmmmm. Getting wet already! Byeeeee...

FX: PHONE CLICK

ANSAPHONE VOICE
Two...twenty...five...pm.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO 2 DOCUMENTARY (B)

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

GAMBACCINI
...with the Fab Four’s first British invasion of America. But, as we Yanks were soon to find out, it would be a war of wit and words rather than guns and bullets.

TINNY, MONO ARCHIVE RECORDING:

GRAMS: AMERICAN NEWSREEL MUSIC

AMERICAN V/O
[DEEP AND THROATY] Parents, teachers, guardians...lock up your children, paint your doors black, or otherwise ee-migrate. The Beatles have landed on our American shores.

FX: AIRPORT FULL OF SCREAMING GIRLS

AMERICAN V/O
And, as America’s President-elect John F Kennedy found out to his immediate cost, their hair is very long.

FX UNDER: CAMERAS CLICKING

KENNEDY
Gee, you guys have such long hair. Welcome to America.

BEATLES
Oh, cheers, thanks very much (etc).

AMERICAN V/O
But this very special meeting doesn’t last long. Jack has a country to run, and The Beatles are escorted by American car to play Ed Sullivan’s ‘American Bandstand Show’.

GRAMS: BARELY AUDIBLE "SHE LOVES YOU" BURIED UNDERNEATH SCREAMING GIRLS.

[GRAMS UNDER]

GAMBACCINI
[FM QUALITY VOICE-OVER] Modern statistics have shown that American street-crime dropped by several American percent during this one television performance. There was little or no doubt now that John Lennon’s Beatles were a hit on both sides of the Atlantic, including America. Any reservations American mothers may have had about the boys were finally dissolved as they faced the American press, displaying their loveable, fresh-faced, mop-topped Beadle wit to the assembled American gathering.

FX UNDER: PHOTOGRAPHERS CLICKING. GENERAL PRESS-CONFERENCE ATMOSPHERE.

THE BEATLES RESPOND MATTER-OF-FACTLY THROUGHOUT

PRESS 1
John! How do you find America?

LENNON
It’s very pleasant. I’m enjoying it quite a lot.

PRESS CHUCKLES SLIGHTLY

PRESS 2
Ringo! Are you a mod or a rocker?

RINGO STARR
Well, I don’t think we affiliate ourselves with either camp. We just play music for anyone who wants to listen, really.

PRESS CHUCKLE A BIT MORE

PRESS 3
George! When are you gonna get a haircut?!

GEORGE HARRISON
Hopefully when I get back to England. There’s a barber there who cuts it just the way I like it.

PRESS FIND THIS HILARIOUS

PRESS 5
Ringo! Why do you wear three rings on one hand?

STARR
It’s just a fashion thing, I guess. I think they suit me.

PRESS PISS THEMSELVES

PRESS 4
Can I just ask all the band...do you think The Beatles’ music will last, or do you think it’s ephemeral - sorta ‘here today, gone tomorrow’?

HARRISON
It’s hard to say, really...

LENNON
Well, speaking for myself, I suppose it depends on whether our fanbase develops in the same direction as our music and...

PAUL McCARTNEY
If I could just butt in...sorry, John...at the end of the day, we just play music that we enjoy. And, if anyone else likes it, that’s a bonus.

STARR
Right.

PRESS LAUGH FAR TOO HARD

PRESS
Paul! As the most good looking of the bunch, can you tell us what problems you have with young girls trying to get into your hotel room?

McCARTNEY
Well, usually I just leave it for security to deal with.

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

DISCUSSION (D)

RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

FX: BURST OF FEEDBACK

JOSEPH
...‘Elderly Man Sketch’ - yeah, that’s okay. Don’t think much of ‘Bicycle Parody’.

MIKE
‘Sociology Olympics’?

JOSEPH
Erm...

MIKE
Oh...before I forget...[PAPER RUSTLES]...theme music. For the show. I’ve made a shortlist.

EVANS
Did you find them biscuits after?

MIKE
I thought perhaps ‘Power To The People’ by John Lennon...

JOSEPH
[SINGS] ‘Pow-errrr to the peeeo-plllllle...!’ Uh-huh.

MIKE
The middle bit from ‘Blue Monday’ by New Order...

JOSEPH/EVANS
[SING THE BIT IN QUESTION]

MIKE
The intro to ‘Step On’ by The Happy Mondays...

JOSEPH/EVANS
[SING THIS INTRO]

MIKE
‘Jack To The Sound Of The Underground’ by Hithouse...

JOSEPH/EVANS/MIKE
[SING THE BASS/MELODY SECTION]

MIKE
And Prelude to Act III of Wagner’s ‘Lohengrin’.

JOSEPH
Umm...

EVANS
Uhh?

MIKE
You know - the one from that crabsticks advert.

EVANS
[SINGS] ‘Colin’s Crabsticks, they’re the ones...’

MIKE
No no, the more recent one.

EVANS
Oh.

MIKE
Well?

EVANS
I reckon we should have them all. We won’t have to write any comedy then.

JOSEPH
Feel a bit odd about using Lennon. It would be like demeaning his work...bringing it down to our level.

EVANS
The level of dank air and desperation.

JOSEPH
Fag ends in coffee cups, y’know...

MIKE
It’s radio. Nobody will see the fag ends in coffee cups.

JOSEPH
No, but they’ll smell it. It’s all around us. Can you smell it, Rich?

EVANS
All I can smell is my own bloody defeat, to be honest, Jose.

JOSEPH
Mm.

EVANS
Mmmmmm.

MIKE
Fine. Forget it. They were just suggestions.

EVANS
Well, y’know...bloody theme musics. We don’t even know what’s in the show yet!

MIKE
Well, it’s important! It sets the mood of the whole thing.

EVANS
Pissing me off.

JOSEPH
Have you got any suggestions?

EVANS
[INDIGNANTLY] Yeah!

JOSEPH
Come on, then.

PAUSE

EVANS
I’ll need the guitar.

JOSEPH/MIKE
[WINCING] Ohh.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO PHONE-IN (A)

[MEDIUM WAVE RADIO QUALITY]

GRAMS: ‘HANGING ON THE TELEPHONE’ BY BLONDIE [CHORUS, THEN UNDER]

JINGLE V/O
Talk Radio. Intelligent debate at two in the morning.

JINGLE ENDS

TALK JOCK
Our first caller is Terry from Bridgend; good morning!

A LONG PAUSE

SIMULTANEOUSLY:

TERRY
Hello?

TALK JOCK
Terry?

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO 2 DOCUMENTARY (C)

[SOUND QUALITY: FM STEREO]

GAMBACCINI
...of the archives. And last year’s ‘Anthology’ box set provided a fascinating insight into the group’s studio methods, including several never-before heard sessions recordings, which sometimes didn’t go quite according to plan!

FX: SLIGHT HISS THROUGHOUT

FX: STUDIO INTERCOM CLICK

GEORGE MARTIN
Take three.

FX: STUDIO INTERCOM CLICKS OFF

LENNON
[SLIGHT STUDIO ECHO] One two three, one two three...

FX: SUDDEN OUTBREAK OF CATASTROPHE - CYMBALS CRASH, GUITARS SHATTER, SITARS TWANG, FAIRGROUND ORGANS COLLAPSE, ALARM CLOCKS RING, DOGS BARK, YOKO SCREAMS, COCKERALS CROW...

PAUSE

LENNON
That was perfect! Let’s hear it!

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

CHILDREN’S TALKING BOOK (B)

[WELL-WORN OLD CASSETTE QUALITY. TAPE HISS THROUGHOUT]

STORYTELLER
...as George fumed silently. ‘Give me your handkerchief, Dick,’ said Julian, gazing towards the shoreline.

FX: TWO SHORT BEEPS

STORYTELLER
Anne collected up the pebbles into one pile, placing the...

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

DISCUSSION (E)

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

MIKE, JOSEPH AND EVANS CONCLUDE AN ACOUSTIC RENDITION OF THE THEME TUNE TO "DIFF’RENT STROKES".

OMNES
Everybody’s got that special kind of story
Everybody finds a way to shine
It don’t matter what you got; not a lot - so what?
They’ll have theirs and you’ll have yours
And I’ll have mine, and together we’ll be fine
’Cos it takes Diff’rent Strokes to build a world
Yes it does...
It takes Diff’rent Strokes to build a world.
[3-PART HARMONY] Ooooh!

LONG-ISH PAUSE

MIKE
We can’t use it though.

EVANS
Why not?

MIKE
Because it’s been used before. By the people who did ‘Diff’rent Strokes’.

EVANS
Yeah, but that was ages ago.

JOSEPH
I doubt we’d get clearance, anyway.

EVANS
We could try. The BBC would arrange the legal stuff.

MIKE
Yeah, but I don’t want to be the one who has to go into a BBC office and ask them for PRS fees on the theme tune to ‘Diff’rent Strokes’.

EVANS
I would. And I’d enjoy it.

JOSEPH
Nah, we’d just sound like students - being all wacky and ironic and kitschy. We don’t want that.

PAUSE

EVANS
I wonder who they’d have to pay PRS fees to. They’d have to track down every single member of the original Diff’rent Strokes Big Band.

ALL LAUGH

JOSEPH
They’d probably have to go through the publishers - erm...Willis and Arnold Incorporated.

ALL LAUGH

MIKE
I really fancied the girl off that. The one whose hair went green.

JOSEPH
I used to fancy Mrs Garrett, the housekeeper.

EVANS
I used to fancy at least 75% of The Kids From Fame.

MIKE
I used to fancy the other 25%.

JOSEPH
I preferred Alan Parker’s film version. It had swearing in it. And homosexuality.

EVANS
And tits.

MIKE/JOSEPH
Mmm, oh yeah...

BEAT

EVANS
Did you tape last night’s South Park?

MIKE
Yeah, it’s on my Clangers tape.

JOSEPH
Switch it off.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO PHONE-IN (B)

[MEDIUM WAVE RADIO QUALITY]

GRAMS: ‘CALL ME’ BY BLONDIE (CHORUS, THEN UNDER)

JINGLE V/O
Talk Radio. Share your point of view with the nation on the radio.

JINGLE ENDS

TALK JOCK
This is Talk Radio, and we’re discussing women priests. Should they be allowed to marry? And, if so, to whom should they be married? Give us a call. Tony in Lowestoft, good morning.

TONY
Good morning. Well, what worries me about these priests is how many of them are paedophiles?

SOUND QUALITY DISINTEGRATES AND APPARENTLY JAMS. WE THEN HEAR:

TWISTED TAPE

[MUFFLED SOUND QUALITY]

THE CASSETTE HAS APPARENTLY BECOME TWISTED.

IN ONE CHANNEL, THIS IS HEARD BACKWARDS (ACCOMPANIED BY AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR):

TEENAGED EVANS
[SINGS] Colin’s Crabsticks, they’re the ones...(etc)

IN THE OTHER CHANNEL, THIS IS HEARD BACKWARDS:

MIKE
Paul is dead.

JOSEPH
Number nine, number nine.

MIKE
We’ll fuck you like you’re Superman.

JOSEPH
I am Satan.

MIKE
Kill youself.

JOSEPH
Bugger all.

MIKE
Bugger all?

JOSEPH
Dylan Thomas.

MIKE
Oh yeah...

TAPE UNTWISTS, REVEALING:

DISCUSSION (F)

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

FX: BURST OF FEEDBACK

FX: TAPE BEING CUED UP

MIKE
Is it cued up?

JOSEPH
It is cued up.

EVANS
Hang on, what page is it?

JOSEPH
Page eight.

EVANS
And I’m ‘Little Boy’?

JOSEPH
Yeah. Okay, Mike’s ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ sketch, take one!

ALL GRAMS AND FX ARE CUED IN LIVE, SLIGHTLY ROUGHLY

MIKE’S JIM’LL FIX IT SKETCH

GRAMS: "JIM’LL FIX IT" THEME MUSIC [FADE]

ALL THREE ARE ALL IN CHARACTER. MIKE DOES NOT DO A JIMMY SAVILE IMPRESSION.

MIKE
Hello, and welcome to ‘Jim’ll Fix It’. Our first letter comes from Leeds.

EVANS
[AS A SMALL BOY, READING BADLY] Dear Jim, please will you fix it for me not to be on ‘Jim’ll Fix It’? It would be really embarrassing, with all my friends seeing and everything. They’d think I was the kind of person who watched ‘Jim’ll Fix It’, and shout things at me - things like, ‘You were on ‘Jim’ll Fix it’’. So please fix it for me never to be on your show ever. Yours sincerely, Anon.

MIKE
Well, only too pleased to oblige. I’m not Jimmy Savile, as you can tell. I’m not in my chair. I’m not on television. And ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ hasn’t actually been broadcast since about 1988. So good start, eh? Let’s continue with you not demolishing some chimneys.

FX: WIND WHISTLING ACROSS A LANDSCAPE WHERE SOME CHIMNEYS MIGHT BE.

MIKE
And here’s you not singing guest vocals with Bucks Fizz.

GRAMS: "DANCING QUEEN" BY ABBA. [FADES QUICKLY]

MIKE
And lastly, here’s you not cooking a buffet dinner for Trevor Brooking on some boat or something.

JOSEPH
[AS TREVOR BROOKING] Caw, I’m starving.

MIKE
Hope you enjoyed that. Your ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ badge will remain in the BBC props department until the next boring parody of ‘Jim’ll Fix It’. So, until, next Wednesday afternoon, we leave you without the ‘Jim’ll Fix It’ theme tune.

GRAMS: "GRANDSTAND" THEME [FADE]

DISCUSSION (G)

PAUSE

MIKE, JOSEPH AND EVANS GIGGLE A BIT

MIKE
That was alright.

EVANS
Mmmm.

JOSEPH
Gushes a bit...

MIKE
What do you mean?

JOSEPH
Y’know, sort of ‘look at our comedy - aren’t we funny?’

MIKE
No. It’s okay.

EVANS
Didn’t Harry Hill do that joke about...

MIKE
Yes...but I wrote it first.

PAUSE

JOSEPH
Tea?

MIKE
Tea.

EVANS
And biscuits.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

FERRIC LAYERS (B)

ANOTHER QUICK SUCCESSION OF AUDIO SNIPPETS REVEALED IN QUICK SUCCESSION

[OFF-TV MONITOR QUALITY]

JINGLE SINGERS
Colin’s Crabsticks, they’re the ones,
Colin’s Crabsticks, they love ’em tons... [UNDER]

VOICE-OVER
When your kids need a snack, give them Colin’s Crabsti...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[DOMESTIC TAPE-RECORDING. LEFT SPEAKER ONLY]

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BREAD
...as for the other matters, you’ll just get cautions. I should be throwing the book at you, Joseph. I don’t call this ‘Abject Art’ , and neither would a jury. They’d call it ‘a tape of somebody having a wa...’

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

AMERICAN VOICE
...to celebrate the life and career of Ernest Malt MBE, the man who founded Britain’s largest spaghetti empire. He started off with just a piece of ravioli...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[OFF-TV MONITOR SOUND QUALITY]

CONSTABLE WOMAN
Can I give you one, sir?

FX: HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGH

SGT ROWAN ATKINSON
Certainly not! If I’d wanted a blow-job with a hob-nob, Bob, I’d have bottom nipple small po-ta-to the French. In Baywatch...nipple.

FX: HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGH (IDENTICAL)

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[ANSAPHONE QUALITY]

JOSEPH
...a message after the beep.

FX: BEEP

A DIFFERENT GIRL
Oh, hello? Well, this is for Rich. It’s Myfanwy here, from the chips. The answer’s yes, I’ll definitely read the credits in your show. Sounds great. See you soon, yeah? [PAUSE; WHISPERS] I’ve got an erection. Bye.

ANSAPHONE
One...nineteen...am.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

[DICTAPHONE QUALITY]

TEENAGED EVANS
One, two, a one two three four...

TEENAGED EVANS STARTS PONDEROUSLY STRUMMING AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR

TEENAGED EVANS
[SINGS] I feel so alone
Nobody’s gonna phone
This is nobody’s home
And I’m just sittin’ here...sittin’ here on my own...

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

DISCUSSION (H)

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

FX: RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

FX: BURST OF FEEDBACK

EVANS
Don’t think we want to hear any more of that, thank you...

MIKE
Was that you?

EVANS
Look, don’t worry about it. It’s gone.

JOSEPH
Haaa-aaah, did you write a song, Rich?

EVANS
Yeah, alright, but it was years ago. I was young...and foolish.

MIKE
Let’s hear the rest of it then.

EVANS
Nooooo!

JOSEPH
Grab him.

A SCUFFLE ENSUES

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF, REVEALING THE REST OF THE SONG

[DICTAPHONE QUALITY]

TEENAGED EVANS
I feel so alone.
Will nobody ever phone...

MOTHER
[CALLING UPSTAIRS] Rich-aaaaaard!

TEENAGED EVANS STOPS PLAYING

TEENAGED EVANS
What?

MOTHER
Come and get your chips!

TEENAGED EVANS SIGHS IRRITABLY. SOUND OF HIM FUMBLING WITH DICTAPHONE BUTTONS.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO PHONE-IN (C)

[MEDIUM WAVE RADIO QUALITY]

GRAMS: ‘DENIS’ BY BLONDIE (CHORUS, THEN UNDER)

JINGLE V/O
Talk Radio. Putting the world right, in medium wave.

JINGLE ENDS

TALK JOCK
This is Talk Radio, and we’re discussing life on other planets. If there was an extra-terrestrial invasion of Earth tomorrow, how would it affect your life? Give us a call. Roger in Yorkminster, good morning...

ROGER
Good morning. Well, what worries me about these aliens is...how many of them are paedophiles?

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

DISCUSSION (I)

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

JOSEPH
[MOCKINGLY] I feel so alone...

EVANS
Alright, shut up!

MIKE
Are we running?

JOSEPH
Yeah.

MIKE
Page fourteen. Don’t forget - my character’s listening to Chopin’s Nocturne in C.

EVANS
[UNCERTAIN] Uh-huh...

MIKE
Okay. ‘New Patio’ sketch, take one. And...cue!

FX: DOORBELL

EVANS
[AS A SMALL BOY] Mother! The man has arrived about the new patio.

MIKE
Show him through, darling.

JOSEPH
[AS A SALESMAN] Ah, good morning. I understand you wish to buy one of our new patios...

NEW RECORDING SQEAKS IN; BURST OF FEEDBACK

MIKE
...at are you doing? Why are we taping over it?

JOSEPH
It didn’t work, Mike.

MIKE
What, we’re taping over the whole thing?

JOSEPH
Uh-huh.

EVANS
See, we don’t say ‘mother’, Mike. We say ‘mum’.

MIKE
Well change it. It’s not a problem.

JOSEPH
From the top. ‘New Patio, take two. And...cue!

FX: DOORBELL

EVANS
[AS A SMALL BOY] Mum! The man has arrived about the new patio!

JOSEPH
Show him through, dar...

NEW RECORDING SQUEAKS IN; BURST OF FEEDBACK

MIKE
...at was wrong with that one?

JOSEPH
We should have discussed this one first.

MIKE
I thought we agreed we’d keep all the rushes?

JOSEPH
We’re low on tape, though...

EVANS
Sorry, look...maybe it’s my fault, but it’s just that thing at the end about Peter Skellern.Who the hell is he, anyway?

MIKE
I thought everyone knew who he was.

EVANS
I don’t. Can’t we change it to someone I know?

MIKE
No, ’cos that’s the punchline! It won’t work otherwise.

JOSEPH
Punchline?

FX: SCRIPTS RUSTLE

MIKE
From the top. ‘Patio’, take three. Cue!

FX: DOORBELL

EVANS
[AS A SMALL BOY, BUT NOT REALLY TRYING] Mum! The man has arrived about the...

NEW RECORDING SQUEAKS BACK IN; BURST OF FEEDBACK

MIKE
...ere was nothing wrong with that one!

EVANS
This is crap! What’s the point? I don’t understand it.

JOSEPH
Perhaps we should try one of the others...

MIKE
What do you mean ‘crap’?

EVANS
Twee, boring, cacking, cocking, predictable balls- washed, hogshit crap. What are you trying to say here, exactly? See, I’m not a namby pamby middle-class ponce, so it means screw-all to me.

MIKE
It’s a parody of a namby pamby middle-class ponce, though...

EVANS
Yeah, written by a namby pamby middle-class ponce!

MIKE
Alright, Jimmy bloody McGovern, define a ‘working-class sketch’ then. What do you want - all the characters living in squats, mumbling, and throwing shit at eachother?

EVANS
Ponce! [PAUSE] Who’s Jimmy McGoven?

JOSEPH
I think what Rich means is that the sketches...all the stuff you’ve written...because of your background, it all comes from a middle-class point of view.

EVANS
Exactly!

MIKE
That’s...rubbish.

EVANS
No it isn’t.

MIKE
I’m not middle class.

EVANS
Yes you are.

MIKE
I’m not. My lifestyle isn’t predominantly middle-class.

EVANS
Yes it is. You mix with middle-class people and breathe their air.

MIKE
I don’t. My girlfriend isn’t middle class.

EVANS
Yes she is.

MIKE
No she isn’t!

EVANS
Yes she is. She cuts her arms and listens to REM.

MIKE
No, the point I was trying to make was...

JOSEPH
Girlfriend?

MIKE
Shut up! The point I was making was that...

JOSEPH
What bloody girlfr...oh yeah, those Select ads you wrote off to.

MIKE
The point is, what does class have to do with comedy? It’s irrevelant.

EVANS
No it isn’t.

MIKE
Yes it is. The Pythons were all middle-class. It doesn’t colour your view of their stuff.

EVANS
Ah well...it must be just you then, Mike.

MIKE
Yeah, okay. Fine. Slag me off. But don’t blame it on class. It’s not an issue.

PAUSE

EVANS
Yes it is.

MIKE
No, it isn’t. What’s the difference?

EVANS
See, the middle-classes, right? Their fridges contain a selection of cheeses...

MIKE
[THROWING SCRIPT TO FLOOR] Oh, it’s come down to cheese now, has it?

EVANS
Brie, roquefort, Red Leicester, camembert with frigging, y’know, apricot...

MIKE
I’m not listening...

EVANS
Whereas working-class fridges...it’s just cheese. No pretensions.

MIKE
No, you’re just confusing ‘things being middle-class’ with ‘things being better’.

EVANS
[THREATENINGLY] I...don’t...like...cheese!

JOSEPH
Woah, woah...this is irrelevant. I’m sure we can do a nice funny-side-of-class-differences sketch in show two, yeah?

EVANS
No, let’s do it now. ‘The Fridge Sketch’. Take one.

FX: DOORBELL

EVANS
[SIMULTANEOUSLY TO DOORBELL] Ding dong! ‘Mater, mater...Maureen Lipman and Professor Laurie Taylor have come round for high tea...with their filter coffee and their curtains. And they’re all really emotionally repressed.’

PAUSE

MIKE/JOSEPH
Uh?

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO 2 DOCUMENTARY (E)

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

TEN SECONDS OF SILENCE

GAMBACCINI
John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s ‘Two Minutes Silence’, one of the tracks from their 1969 album, ‘Life With The Lions, Unfinished Music Num...’

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

TEENAGED EVANS’ SONG (B)

[DICTAPHONE QUALITY]

TEENAGED EVANS
I feel so alone...

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY THE FOLLOWING:

DISCUSSION (J)

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

FX: BURST OF FEEDBACK

EVANS
Jesus Christ.

JOSEPH AND MIKE GIGGLE

EVANS
Look, you see my problem, though, don’t you? It doesn’t really represent ‘us as a group’, these...sketches.

MIKE
Meaning?

EVANS
Well, there’s nothing here that defines "our humour" - it’s all too slick and structured. That’s all. To be honest.

MIKE
Well, I thought we’d have a mix, anyway - kind of half pre-written skits, half improvised stuff - the sort of thing we laugh at in private...

EVANS
But our humour wouldn’t work if it was made public, anyway. It’s too ridiculous. We laugh at farts and bestiality and people with funny hair. The average Radio 4 listener would go ‘uhh?’.

JOSEPH
There’s no such thing as an ‘average’ Radio 4 listener.

EVANS
Well, all the Radio 4 listeners I know are decidedly average...

MIKE
Don’t underestimate the audience. They’ll get it eventually.

JOSEPH
Yeah - only if it’s signposted, though. What we need to try and get across is some kind of aural equivalent of inverted commas.

MIKE
Uhh?

JOSEPH
It’s a Derek and Clive situation. We’re childish, agreed, but we’re also, I would argue, erudite enough to distance ourselves from the childishness in a way.

EVANS
Woss’e talkin’ about?

MIKE
I’ve no idea.

JOSEPH
Look, if somebody farts, we laugh. But mainly, what we’re laughing at is the fact that we find farts funny, right? It’s self-referential - it’s a throwback to earlier, more innocent times when we’ve...laughed at farts.

EVANS
No, Jose, I just like the noise, to be honest.

MIKE
And I don’t find farts particularly funny anyway.

JOSEPH
You understand what I mean, though, yeah? If we can get it across that we’re using irony, there shouldn’t be anything we can’t get away with...

EVANS
Alright, yeah...no problem. Let’s do it. Let’s get around the microphone and prove how clever and ironic we can be through childishness. Check this out:

[CLOSE MIC]

‘Uh, Hello, I’m French. A lot of people ask me, ‘Is it good being French, or is it a load of old rubbish?’ Well, I say it’s not a bad life because we’ve got them long breads, some cheese, The Eiffel Tower, wine...and ‘Bonjour’.’

JOSEPH GIGGLES KNOWINGLY.

MIKE
And that was?

EVANS
That, Mike, was a sweeping generalisation of an entire complex race of people based on an accepted yet ignorant stereotype. Now we all know that such a stereotype is balls, but I did it anyway, in full knowledge that it’s balls. I didn’t even bother doing an accent. And this makes us fantastic.

MIKE
Erm...

EVANS
Go on, Joe, your turn...

JOSEPH
Okay:

[CLOSE MIC]

‘In a report issued today, it is claimed that Lenny Henry is an ignorant coon who should stop trying to be a bloody soul singer and do some comedy. Otherwise, he should go back to whichever hot country he came from.’

EVANS
Very good. Now we all know that, far from being an ‘ignorant coon’, Lenny Henry is an intelligent actor and comedian. What’s more, he was born in Dudley, Birmingham. 89 William Street, I believe. We know all this, but we said it anyway. Comedy taboo-flippancy, incorporating anachronistic racist terms. Genius.

JOSEPH
I meant the bit about the soul singing, though. Really I did.

EVANS
Another one?

JOSEPH
‘The Provisional IRA do a bloody difficult job, and the people of Northern Ireland don’t know how lucky they are.’ See - a laid-back, blasé reference to a very sensitive issue, but far too obviously a cheap ploy to be offensive.

EVANS
Yeah. ‘All women should be forced to eat shit on television.’

JOSEPH
Misogyny. Good one. What about...‘There’s nothing I enjoy more on a hot summer’s day than feludgerating my twin sister up the Quant.’

EVANS
Clever. Obscure sexual terms too high on the swearing scale to be offensive or even detected.

JOSEPH
Or even genuine. I made them up.

EVANS
And incest? Obviously a lie. You don’t even have a sister. Twinned or otherwise.

JOSEPH
‘Well, not any more. She died. [PAUSE] Cancer. [PAUSE] OF THE ARSE!’

EVANS
Deadpan black humour - perfect!

JOSEPH
That’s right. Erm...‘Jews are crap.’

EVANS
‘God is a twat.’

JOSEPH
Deliberately crude blasphemy; self-consciously stupid...

EVANS
Ridiculing the idea of blasphemy itself...

JOSEPH
Exactly.

MIKE
How about...

JOSEPH
Yeah?

EVANS
C’mon...

MIKE
I thought, perhaps...

JOSEPH/EVANS
Yeah, yeah, c’mon...

MIKE
‘Thomas Hamilton was a bloody good bloke and the Dunblane Angels were a bunch of wankers.’

EMBARRASSED PAUSE

EVANS
I don’t think we’d be able to justify that one, to be honest.

JOSEPH
Nope.

MIKE
Well they were!

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO 4 COMPLAINTS PROGRAMME

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

THE PRESENTER IS A CHIRPY ONE.

PRESENTER
But first, your letters. There have been more thoughts in the mailbag concerning the issue of taste and decency on the BBC...including this letter, from Eleanor Harkness in Colindale.

FEMALE VOICE
Dear ‘Be Reasonable’, I’m no prude. I’ve raised two children, and I work hard. The last thing I want for me or my family is to be offended. I realise that swearing is "the norm" these days, and I’m prepared to accept that an acceptable amount of nudity is acceptable. This time, however, I feel things have gone too far. Is it really necessary for me to endure this, day after day, night in, night out? As I mentioned, I’m very, very busy and I’ve raised two children. I’m not one to complain. I’m open minded. Dear BBC, please realise how wrong you are.

PRESENTER
The points raised by Mrs Harkness could illustrate a trend towards a disturbing and emotive issue for which the BBC could be held accountable. Unfortunately, though, she didn’t actually mention which programme she found offensive...if indeed it was a programme she was talking about So there’s very little we can do. [PAUSE] An equally eloquant missive came our way from [GRINS AURALLY] eleven year old Amy Kemp from Chichesterford.

FEMALE VOICE
Dear ‘Be Reasonable’, I’m eleven and writing to complain about BBC1’s ‘Grange Hill’. It’s supposedly an accurate portrayal of today’s young people, and yet neither myself nor any of my friends identify with the characters. The same goes for ‘Neighbours’ - neither myself, nor any of my friends speak with Australian accents. Nor do we have yellow skin like The Simpsons, solve elaborate crimes like Inspector Morse, or sit around discussing moral issues in a TV studio, like on ‘Heart Of The Matter’. Dear BBC, please realise how wrong you are.

PRESENTER
Moving on now to pet hates. And more shouting from Eamon Atmunce of London, concerning his main bugbear - the English language.

MALE VOICE
The use of English, on BBC Radio in particular, is a disgrace. What use have I of words like ‘spin-doctor’, ‘website’ or ‘alcopops’? And since when has ‘karaoke’ been an accepted term for singing along to a backing tape? In my day, it was called ‘dinting’. You are so wrong, BBC.

PRESENTER
And the pronunciation of placenames has got on some of your goats...

MALE VOICE
[WEARILY] A reminder to BBC newsreaders - it’s not ‘Leicester’, it’s ‘Leystarrrr’; it isn’t ‘Cumberland’, it’s ‘Quamb’hulurnd’; and, lest we forget, that old favourite ‘Southend’ is supposed to be pronounced [GIVES A STRANGE SNORKING SOUND].

PRESENTER
David Vergance of Birmingham there...or should that be ‘Bring Bring, Who’s Calling’? Our second plea from a younger listener now. My mailbag does seem to be full of them these days! This time, eight year old Sophie Jones of Wood Green.

FEMALE VOICE
The idiosyncratic nature of the BBC’s output needs rapid streamlining in order to cater for a wider breadth of programming, such as ‘The Vicar Of Dibley’...

PRESENTER
BBC1, Sundays, five past eight...

FEMALE VOICE
...which we enjoy watching as a family. Wither the glory days of ‘Round The Horne’ and ‘The Clitheroe Kid’? Bedtime, Sophie. Come on BBC, more programmes for me and my young friends.

PRESENTER
Thanks, Sophie. A lovely type-written letter there, smelling vaguely of port and cigars. More controversy - or should that be ‘controversy’ [PRONOUNCES IT THE SAME WAY] - this week concerning birdsong on BBC Radio. Here’s Ann Sadler from Gosport:

FEMALE VOICE
Dear ‘Be Reasonable’. Nightingales! Why should people like myself be denied the chance to hear nightingales? For nightingale fans, BBC radio used to be a final place of refuge, but now market forces seem to have intervened. Since my husband died recently...

PRESENTER
Tuesday, living room, suspected heart attack...

FEMALE VOICE
...I’ve enjoyed making pottery, and - as I sit at my wheel - nightingale company is my only friend. I’m sure I am not alone. Radio bosses, please broadcast nightingales, and no other programmes.

PRESENTER
Mmm. A few brief points of order now from Derby listener Melvyn Yamph.

MALE VOICE
Dear ‘Be Reasonable’, I’ll be out next Tuesday, so could you put ‘The Archers’ on at 5:15 rather than 7:05? Thanks very much. Oh, by the way, I notice that Radio 3 is to have a Dvôrak special, including an anniversary performance of ‘The New World Symphony’ conducted by Sir Hubert Matthewson together with a chance to hear one of his recently-discovered woodwind concertos. Well, I don’t like Dvôrak, so cancel that, would you? Much appreciated.

PRESENTER
Hey ho. Winner of the fountain pen this week, though, is this letter, from Alistair Dunford in Ipswich. He says:

MALE VOICE
Dear ‘Be Reasonable’. I’m forty, bearded, live in Scotland, vote New Labour, enjoy canoes, pargetting and heavy metal, own five children, have a nose shaped like a radish, adore Blake, Flaubert and early Coleridge, exercise regularly and remain passionate about the history of sport, music, food, travel and life generally.

PRESENTER
I love you too, Alistair. And so for Alistair, Ipswich, and all the girls at Krenshaw’s Tavern in Newmouth, this is just for you. A one, a two, a one two three four...

PRESENTER STARTS STRUMMING ACOUSTIC GUITAR. THE LETTER-READERS ALL JOIN IN.

PRESENTER
[SINGS] I’m so alone
Nobody’s gonna ’phone
This is nobody’s...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

FERRIC LAYERS (C)

A FINAL SEQUENCE OF AUDIO SNIPPETS, REVEALED IN QUICK SUCCESSION

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

GRAMS UNDER: TECHNO MUSIC

NICKY CAMPBELL
So...your new stage act: gone are the characters, the funny voices, the observations, and the comedy. Your act now consists of you standing in darkness, staring silently at the audience for half an hour. What’s it all about?

STEWART LEE
But don’t you see? That’s better. Don’t you understand?

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[DOMESTIC TAPE RECORDING]

DETECTIVE INSPECTOR BREAD
...just don’t do it again. Okay, interview terminated at five fifty three.

JOSEPH
Am I entitled to a copy of this tape?

DETECTIVE
That depends. What do you want it for?

JOSEPH
Oh, y’know...just a memento...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[REAL LIFE QUALITY]

JONATHAN JAMES-MOORE
This is shit! Totally unbroadcastable!

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

SUE LAWLEY
...and your sketches, ‘Monty Python’s Flying Circus’, did come from a middle-class point of view didn’t it?

TERRY JONES
Whhheelll, that was the interesting thing about Python becau...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[OFF-MONITOR QUALITY]

NEIL MORRISSEY
Ey, Gary...wouldn’t it be great if women squirted lager out of their breasts instead of milk?

FX: CAUTIOUS AUDIENCE LAUGH. PAUSE.

MARTIN CLUNES
Be even better if they shat Cup Final tickets.

FX: HUGE AUDIENCE LAUGH

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

AMERICAN
I remember, he used to fill his bath with water, and sit in it, naked...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

[SOUND QUALITY: ANSAPHONE]

JOSEPH
...your name and number after the beep.

ANOTHER DIFFERENT GIRL
Hello...Mike - it’s Daisy. Just calling to say sorry, I can’t read the credits because I’m going out with that bloke. You know, the one with long hair that you really hate who can drive and has the confidence to waltz in like fu [TELEPHONE CRACKLE] ng Del Boy and jokingly allude to my tits while affectionately putting his arm around me and give me a comedy-massage without worrying about it beforehand even though he’s only met me about fifteen minutes ago, the cu [TELEPHONE CRACKLE]. See you soon...platonically. Bye.

ELECTRONIC VOICE
Nine...twenty...three...am...give...up...Mike...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

TOM

[MIXED SOUND QUALITY]

GRAMS: JOLLY UP-TEMPO 60s MUSIC

THE GRAMS AND MONOLOGUE PAN BACK AND FORTH INDEPENDENTLY.

TOM
It’s been a week when people have been telling each other about the woman called Myra Hindley who has done so much to murder people, children. According to Mr Straws in the Homes Office, that woman should not be going free from her prison, and it’s because of all the bad crimes she used to do, in the sixties. It’s not for me to talk, but I remember the sixties. Well, I don’t. But we all know what it was on about, that time when it was swinging. Sex was happening for the first time since my war, and all sorts of unusual experiments, such as Woodstock, had been important to the society. Therefore, look at it: the sixties made a lot of fuss about it and today we would not think twice about saying, ‘stop that, right away’. But back then - that’s what they did. Would today people like a riot because of Vietnam and long hair? No no. How about a flowers everywhere? Not a hope. Taking all the drugs and having sex with a hundred people, some of them flower-children? Not now, no. And what about Myra Hindley and her Brady? Not acceptable now, but part of the sixties, just the same as being vile with groupies, smoking fags in the Queen’s toilet, and the musical hair. Does this mean we should also imprison Manfred Mann, Ruth Buzzi, Easy Rider and The Hollies? I don’t think so. There we are...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO PHONE-IN (D)

[MEDIUM WAVE RADIO QUALITY]

TALK JOCK
...meetings with church elders, the Vatican and bishops of all countries. All have stated that it is true. The Second Coming, as predicted in Revelations, is upon us. Christ, our Lord, has risen again. Salvation or Armageddon? Give us a call. Colin in Kent, good morning.

COLIN
Good morning. Well, what worries me is that Jesus might be a paedophile...

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

DISCUSSION (K)

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

FX: RECORDING SQUEAKS IN

FX: BURST OF FEEDBACK

MIKE
How much tape have we got left?

JOSEPH
Not...much.

MIKE
Can we use the other side?

JOSEPH
No. It’s got something good on it.

MIKE
So...shall we do any more?

EVANS
Uh?

MIKE
One last sketch, before the tape runs out?

EVANS
Well it’s not for me to say, is it? I thought this was supposed to be a laugh. Suddenly, we’re all playing at being bloody radio stars.

MIKE
What do you suggest, then?

JOSEPH
Well...I don’t know why we don’t just send this tape off to the BBC. At least it’s not contrived, it’s just, y’know... reality.

MIKE
What about all the sketches I wrote? This wasn’t meant to be a sit-com.

JOSEPH
Well, that’s not such a terrible idea, is it? [BEAT] Is it?

EVANS
[SARCASTICALLY] Not at all - we could call it ‘Two Men and an Idiot’. Laughs-a-plenty as Joseph comes up with yet another bloody winner!

MIKE
How about ‘Apathy In The Valleys’ - the wacky world of two Welshmen who ignore my bloody scripts.

EVANS
Here’s one. ‘Mike Through The Window’ - the hilarious comings and goings of a middle-class ponce as he goes through that window there. See it?

JOSEPH
No, seriously. With a bit of planning and stuff, we could be The New Goodies!

PAUSE

MIKE
Erm...who’s who, in that equation?

JOSEPH
Well, it’s obvious. I’d be Graeme Garden, ’cos I’m technical. And I’ve got the most hair. Mike could be Tim Brooke-Taylor.

MIKE
I bloody well won’t.

EVANS
So that leaves me with Bill Oddie. Cheers, Jose. Hmm.

JOSEPH
Nothing wrong with that. Oddie’s a great character. Definitely the most complex of the three. And the most reasonable too, in many ways, despite being, visually, the least reasonable. He’s almost Pan-like. He’s an ‘Everyman’.

EVANS
You be him then.

JOSEPH
[CHILDISHLY] No. I want to be Graeme Garden.

EVANS
But this won’t work. If I’m the new Bill Oddie, then I’ll have to grow an ugly great beard and spend all my time in a hide.

JOSEPH
So we make some sacrifices...if I’m the new Graeme Garden, I’ll have to lose all that hair, switch to contacts, and do a mid-eighties biology fact-show...manhandling polystyrene blood.

MIKE
And if I’m the new Tim Brooke-Taylor, I’ll have to be shit. And go drinking with Barry Cryer.

JOSEPH
So what’s the problem?

MIKE
[RESIGNEDLY] Nothing. Let’s do it. What do we have to lose?

EVANS
Our self respect, our career prospects, our clean reputation...

JOSEPH
I have none of those, anyway.

MIKE
Nor me.

EVANS
No, seriously, joking aside, we’re not just gonna send this tape off as it is, are we?

JOSEPH
Why not? No pretensions, nothing set up. The ultimate post-modern stand against contrived, safe, Radio 4 comedy.

MIKE
Tim De Jongh has now left the building.

EVANS
Oh well...that’s it, then. Let’s do the credits and arse off.

JOSEPH
Later. Who’s for chips?

MIKE
Yeaaahhh!

FX: SCRIPTS ARE THROWN DOWN

EVANS
[CLOSE MIC] Thanks a lot, everyone. You have been listening to...[PAUSE]...brilliance.

JOSEPH/MIKE
Bye!

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

DISCUSSION DISCUSSION

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

MORE SERIOUS ATMOSPHERE TO THE FOLLOWING:

PRODUCER
[OVER MONITOR] ...take seven. When you see the green light, boys.

PAUSE

EVANS
[LAME DELIVERY] ‘Well, it’s not for me to say, is it? I thought this was supposed to be a laugh. Suddenly we’re all playing at being bloody radio stars.’

MIKE
[LAME DELIVERY] ‘What do you suggest?’

EVANS
‘I don’t know we don’t just send this tape off to the BBC...’ [HE NOW HAS AN UPPER-CLASS ACCENT] Sorry, before we carry on...is this working?

PRODUCER
What’s the problem?

JOSEPH NOW HAS AN IRISH ACCENT:

JOSEPH
Can’t we find a better way of getting this across? Thing is, we’ve got all this stuff before we get to the bit about The Goodies. I’m worried people will just become bored by it. It could be funnier.

EVANS
Didn’t Lee and Herring do the ‘New Goodies’ joke?

JOSEPH
Not to any great degree...

MIKE NOW HAS A WELSH ACCENT:

MIKE
It’s not supposed to sound too funny or comic, though is it? It’s supposed to sound like naturalistic dialogue.

EVANS
Well, why don’t we put this conversation at the end? It really would be post-modern then.

JOSEPH
Hey, that’s bri...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION

[DICTAPHONE QUALITY]

FX: PUB ATMOSPHERE

JOSEPH, MIKE AND EVANS NOW HAVE YIDDISHE ACCENTS

JOSEPH
So then you say sumptin’ like, ‘Hey, why don’t we stick this conversation at the end too...’

MIKE
Whoo.

EVANS
And we’re supposed to be in a professional recording studio suddenly? With different accents?

JOSEPH
You like it?

MIKE
I love it. But why stop there? It could keep changing each time the tape clicks o...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION

[MIKE = HOME RECORDING QUALITY; JOSEPH = TELEPHONE SIGNAL QUALITY]

JOSEPH AND MIKE REVERT BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL ACCENTS

JOSEPH
[BORED] Just about finished typing up the final draft. I’m a bit worried about the multiple discussion clips at the end, though. It’s difficult to emphasise that they’re taking place at different times, y’know?

MIKE
[EQUALLY BORED] Well, just explain it in our dialogue at some point...or change the accents or something.

JOSEPH
Yeah, okay. [PAUSE] Have we decided who’s gonna play Evans yet?

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION

[WELSH QUALITY]

FX: MALE-VOICE CHOIRS

EVANS
Pa iaith yr ydym yn mynd I wneud hwn mewn ta beth?

JOSEPH
Saesneg. Rhaid iddo fod. S’dim werth wneud unrhywbeth yn Nghymraeg. Mae’n hollol dwll-gach!

MIKE
Rhy wir!

FX: RECORDYDD YN CLICO BANT

RECORDYDD SYDD YN DÔD O DANDDO:

DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION

[EXECUTIVE QUALITY]

BUSINESS-LIKE ATMOSPHERE. HIGH-FLYING ACCENTS.

MIKE
OK, so we’ve got ‘Children’s Talking Book’, ‘Lennon Documentary’, ‘Radio 4 Comedy Parody’, ‘Talk Radio Parody’, ‘Feedback Parody’...

JOSEPH
That’s a lot of parodies. We can break it up with the fake discussions, though...

EVANS
I’ll leave that in your capable hands, Joe. What about ‘Tom’, the Welsh commentator?

JOSEPH
He’s in.

MIKE
‘Jim’ll Fix It’?

JOSEPH
Part of the discussion bits, yeah...

EVANS
Backwards message?

JOSEPH
Yup, it’s all there.

EVANS
OK. Oh, I checked out ‘Diff’rent Strokes’ - apparently we just have to go through NBC.

MIKE
That’s alright. I spoke to them last week...they’re cool about it. The only thing we can’t get PRS clearance for is John and Yoko’s ‘Two Minutes Silence’.

JOSEPH
Well, let’s broadcast and be damned.

EVANS
Great. OK...let’s go to work.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION DISCUSSION

[MONO HOME RECORDING QUALITY]

MIKE, JOSEPH AND EVANS ARE BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL PERSONAE

MIKE
We could try writing a radio show...

EVANS
[GROANS]

JOSEPH
Go to sleep, Mike.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH

RADIO 4 COMEDY SHOW (D)

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

GRAMS: "INFO FREAKO" BY JESUS JONES [UNDER]

FX: APPLAUSE [UNDER]

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
‘Don’t Touch That Dial!’ starred Seany-Boy Morris, Oliver Crane and Dave Cass, also featuring Sarah Williams and Bill Jefferies, with music by Jason Dance! ‘Ed Clandestine’ was devised, written and performed by Paul Shields. Additional feedlines by John Oliver, Richard Ayoade, and several other little shits who jumped ship from ‘Week Ending’ to use this show as a clumsy stepping stone to writing ad libs for Clive Anderson’s next TV series...

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

RADIO 2 DOCUMENTARY (G)

[FM STEREO QUALITY]

GRAMS UNDER: JOHN LENNON’S VERSION OF ‘MANY RIVERS TO CROSS’ (FINAL INSTRUMENTAL SECTION)

GAMBACCINI
...it Factory. But, for the final word on John Lennon, the man, we need only to turn to one of the last people who saw him alive on that cold December Dakota evening. Someone who loved John very much - America’s Mark Chapman.

CHAPMAN
Well, what can I say? The man was a genius, a visionary, a musician. He touched my heart and my soul, and the hearts and souls of an entire generation. And, for this, we can only say a humble thank you. Thanks, John.

GRAMS ENDS

GAMBACCINI
‘Imagine There’s No Heaven’ was produced by Roger Dell and is a ‘Beatles With An A’ production for Chicago QVWK Atlantic and BBC Radio 2.

ANNOUNCER
And there’ll be another chance to hear tha...

SUDDENLY GETS TAPED OVER BY:

THE CREDITS

[HOME-RECORDING QUALITY]

FX: KETTLE BOILING

FX: MIKE ZIPPING UP HIS BAG

JOSEPH
And...cue!

BLOKE
‘Some of The Corpses Are Amusing’ was written and performed by Joseph Champniss, Mike Scott and Richard J Evans. It was produced by Champniss and Scott, and is a Shoehorn Production for BBC Radio 4.

JOSEPH
Cheers, mate.

MIKE
Who was that?

JOSEPH
Nobody. Just a bloke.

EVANS
What happened to them girls?  The ones on the ansaphones.

JOSEPH
That was just a joke. For the script.

EVANS
Shame. They were nice.

FX: RECORDING CLICKS OFF

RECORDING REVEALED UNDERNEATH:

CHILDREN’S TALKING BOOK (C)

[WELL-WORN, OLD CASSETTE QUALITY. TAPE HISS THROUGHOUT]

STORYTELLER
...ack to the farm for tea,’ said Anne. They all laughed heartily. ‘Woof!’ said Timmy. ‘Woof woof woof!’.

GRAMS: TINKLY MUSIC BOX FADES UP

STORYTELLER
The end.

TAPE APPARENTLY RUNS DOWN AND JAMS