ZX81
Death is a person - stage five completed... Stage six. Can we rise again after death's person has claimed us? ... Resurrection, data required, clarify, Ian.

BARRY
Well, ZX, some people believe that physical death is simply a type of very deep sleep, and given the right conditions we can revive and live on. Death could be just an illusion. Like me you might say, is that a load of monkey toss or what? But the resurrectionist might counter what of Lazarus or even Jesus Christ?

FRANCIS
(SERIOUSLY) And those Skellingtons in "Jason and the Argonauts". You know the ones with the swords.

BARRY
(IGNORING HIM) But ZX, you can tell us, did Jesus Christ really rise from the dead?

ZX81
Hmmmm, that would be telling. Some things are meant to remain mysterious... even when they are obviously rubbish.

BARRY
Well, ZX - are there any other historical, yet non-religious cases of resurrection?

ZX81
Searching... Holy Lands... Easter AD33.

DISCIPLE 1
Thomas, Thomas! Christ is risen!

THOMAS
Unless I see the nail marks in his hands and touch his wounds I will not believe.

GRAMS: RELIGIOUS MUSIC

JESUS
Thomas, it is I. Put your hand in my side, feel my wounds. Stop doubting and believe.

THOMAS
My lord and God!

SHAGGY
Hold it right there!

JESUS
Oh Christ, it's the Scoobey Doo gang!

SCOOBEY
Scoobey doobey doo!

SHAGGY
Yes, that's right! And like we've seen through this cunning ruse. This isn't as it seems Jesus Christ risen from the dead to haunt us all, but behind this ingenuiously realistic latex mask it is in fact .....

FX: MASK OFF

ALL
(GASP) Charlie the Caretaker?!

CHARLIE
Yes, that's right. I used the crucifixion of an ordinary man in order that I could come back as a goolie ghost!

SHAGGY
Zoiks!!

CHARLIE
In the hope that I could establish a religion that would spread across the western world, causing the collapse of the Roman Empire and endless centuries of war and schism!..... And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn't for you pesky meddling kids!

SHAGGY
Charlie, your days of villainy are over.

FX: VERY UNREALISTIC GHOST IMPRESSION, "WOOOH WOOOH"

THELMA
Oh no, it's a real Jesus Christ!

FX: WOOOH WOOOH

SHAGGY
No, this time it's just Scoobey.

FX: MASK PULLED OFF

SCOOBEY
Scoobey Dooby Doo! (ALL LAUGH HEARTILY)

ZX81
Source verified. Gospel according to St. Shaggy. Hmmm... More information necessary... searching... Located, mad monk Grigori Rasputin. Russia... December 1917. Claims that after numerous apparently brutal murder attempts he still lived... time travel mode operated.

GRAMS: RUSSIAN MUSIC

FELIX YUSUPOV
I can't believe it, Purishkevich. For half an hour I have been feeding Rasputin with cakes laced with enough cyanide to kill a horse and yet he still refuses to die.

PURISHKEVICH
Get back in there Felix. Keep him talking and then we will attack with revolvers and blackjacks.

FX: FOOTSTEPS, OPENS DOOR

RASPUTIN
Ah, Felix.

FELIX
Rasputin.

RASPUTIN
Please Felix, my friends call me Ra Ra. Ra Ra Rasputin.

FELIX
You are said to have remarkable powers of prediction, Ra Ra.

RASPUTIN
Indeed I have Fe Fe. I have a strange feeling that in the future they shall say that I was the lover of the Russian Queen, Russia's greatest love machine, a cat who really was gone, it was a shame how I carried on to be quite honest. And furthermore I taught all four sons to handle their guns. Damn. Wrong song.

FX: SUDDEN ATTACK, SHOTS FIRED, A SOUND BEATING

PURISHKEVICH
See Felix, I believe he is dead now.

FX: MOANS AS RASPUTIN RISES

FELIX
Wah! A g..g..g..g..ghost!

PURISHKEVICH
Quick, the machine gun.

FX: MACHINE GUN

RASPUTIN
Your earth bullets do not hurt me.

FELIX
Quick, he's getting away. Release the otters.

FX: OTTERS ATTACKING

RASPUTIN
Your earth otters can't scare me.

PURISHKEVICH
How about this.

FX: A LOUD SIREN, AND A SCREAM OF SHOCK

FELIX
Hmmm, the loud siren startled him, Purishkevich, but he is still alive.

PURISHKEVICH
Well, I don't think he'll survive this.

FX: BOMB DROPS AND EXPLODES, FLAMES AND NOISE

FELIX
Bullseye. Now he is dead.

PURISHKEVICH
(MELODRAMATIC) His brand of hypnotic charisma will never control our court again. Our children can sleep abed and breath in safety once more.

FX: HOWLING MOANS

FELIX
It can't be. Rasputin is rising from the flames. He is just a skellington. It's just like that bit at the end of "Terminator"... er I expect.

FX: SPLASH.

PURISHKEVICH
He's fallen into the river. It's all over now....or has it just begun?

ZX81
Section 6. No proof of Rasputin's death... resurrection cannot be verified... Earthlings opinions requested.

FRANCIS
Well, let's go into the audience and see. (AMONGST AUDIENCE) So you, old woman in the front row, what do you think about resurrection?... Well, that's answered that one.

BARRY
what about reincarnation, sir, do you think it's possible that you were once a eunuch in ancient Babylon? Or is it the cut of your trousers?

FRANCIS
Is this your boyfriend? If, like in the film "Ghost", he was murdered and your life was also in danger, do you think he would use his spiritual powers to protect you or what?

BARRY
Are there any Christians in the audience? Why do you think God allows innocent people to die really horrible deaths? Do you play the harp already or are you going to have to take lessons in heaven?

FRANCIS
Has anybody here ever had an out of body experience? Have you got some of what you were on at the time here with you?

BARRY
Who wrote the bestselling pulp romantic novel 'Lace"?

ZX81
That's easy. I know that one, it was Shirley Conran.

BARRY
Just testing.

ZX81
Levying information so far received ... Review Stage 4 do we have a soul? .... still no data. Request report on Mr Griffis.

BARRY
Yes, Francis. How is Mr Griffis getting on.

FRANCIS
Well, Barry. Mr,Griffis is still bravely holding in there. Just lie back and rest.

GRIFFIS
You know, it's funny, at the end of it all you can't help looking back at the good times. I was just thinking about the Stratford-Upon-Avon-Canal where I used to play as a child.

FRANCIS
Oh, I know that stretch of water. It flows into central Birmingham. It's a very popular leisure waterway.

GRIFFIS
Yes, but I prefer to remember the waterway as a working one, the physical, rigorous Glory of the water in full flow. The plodding of the beautiful shire horses, the river people on their barges all heading for a common destination.... Birmingham. It was a wonderful scene.

FRANCIS
It sounds it, Mr Griffis, it sounds beautiful.

GRIFFIS
I wonder if they'll have canals, where I'm going.

BARRY
What, in that polythene bag? I doubt it mate!

ZX81
Conclusion still pending. Sea areas Cromity, Mallin .... Stage 7 .... if

FRANCIS
But ZX.....

ZX81
Pause. What is it now, Ian's friend?

FRANCIS
(PATHETICALLY) Why does Mr Griffis have to die in the first place?

ZX81
Supplemental query, stage 6b. Why we have to die. Projected estimate of world in which no-one has ever died ... year 1991.

FX: A HUGE TIGHTLY PACKED CROWD

VOICES
Ooooh, watch out. Mind the elbows. That's my foot.

MOTHER
Kevin, go and get your great, great, great, great grandad.

KEVIN
Which one? I've got 32.

RASPUTIN
Ha ha, I am Ra Ra Rasputin and your overcrowded world can not destroy me.

VOICES
Nor me, nor me, me neither.

RASPUTIN
(DISAPPOINTED) Oh. That's no fun then (EXITS MUMBLING)

VOICES
(AS BEFORE) Ouch, mind my foot. Fancy meeting you here! Small world, hey? etc ...

ZX81
Conclusion obvious.

FRANCIS
Yes, sorry, I wasn't really thinking.

ZX81
Stage 7... death is a person and death is final, but can death be avoided or cheated?... Searching... Avoiding death... black ice in Lancashire... Cryogenics... the freezing of diseased bodies until cure can be found.... searching for data...'. Scotland... Radio-Clyde...'Morning Clydeside".

FX: RADIO TUNING IN

GRAMS: NAFF JINGLE "MORNING CLYDESIDE, HOPE YOU ARE WIDE... AWAKE"

ALICE
(MIDDLE AGED, AGONY AUNT) What with the price of liquid nitrogen and long term storage, the economics of going to a professional Cyrogenics agency are beyond the purse-strings of most ordinary folk like you and me. But if you don't mind losing some of the fancy trimmings and newfangled technology there is no reason why you can't freeze your deceased loved ones cheaply and efficiently in the comfort of your own home! Here's one I prepared earlier, as they say, my husband Keith, who passed away last week and who I got straight into my Electra 5 Star freezer ... though any common or garden fridge or picnic box will do. Remember to place the body inside freezer bags and do make sure you've expelled all the air first. And these little tie-up tags are a godsend. During the winter months you can save a vital few pence by keeping your loved one out in the garden, but do keep your eyes open for dogs and blackbirds! See you soon.

ZX81
Possibility... Searching...other attempts to cheat death in history.

FX: WHIRRING, INFORMATION GATHERING

ZX81
Ireland, 1852. Wrestler John O'Mara, tried to cheat death by beating him by 2 falls or a submission on the road to County Clare.

FX: GRUNTING AND SHOVING, PATRONISING IRISH PIPE MUSIC

ZX81
But lost on points.

FX: LOTS OF PEOPLE WITH HIGH IRISH VOICES TUTTING AND SAYING "OH DEAR", "SHAME", ETC

ZX81
America. 1903. South Georgia fiddle player Willy Glenn bet death that he was a better musician.

GRAMS: CRAZY FIDDLE PLAYING LIKE IN "THE DEVIL GOES DOWN TO GEORGIA"

ZX81
But a hand selected jury of local country and western afficiondos clearly judged death the master of the form.

FX: OLD FOLKS SPITTING OUT TOBACCO AND SAYING "YUP, HE'S THE BEST, ETC."

ZX81
Las Vegas. Present time. Casino croupier Elaine Peters perfecting her death cheating plan.

FX: BUSY CASINO

ELAINE
Right, Charlie, sit down. Pick a card. Remember it.

CHARLIE
OK.

ELAINE
Now, shuffle it back into the pack. Right, now I want you to look through and find your card.

CHARLIE
Er ... I can't ... it's gone.

ELAINE
Charlie, tell me, can you feel something prickly in your underwear?

CHARLIE
God, yes.

FX: ZIP OPENS

CHARLIE
It's my card! And it was in my pants! That's magic!

ELAINE
No, Charlie. It was sleight of hand, illusion... or cheating. You can't expect to cheat death in full view of a panel of judges. But if you can get him in a smoky backroom somewhere, ply him with a few drinks, then a team of experienced card sharks could work the biggest con in history to him. So he can wrestle, he can play the violin, but when a pretty girl and an inscrutable chinese deaf mute start dealing him marked cards, he ain't gonna know what's hit him... the only problem I can see is getting the game set up in the first place.

FX: WHOOSH OF TRAINEE DEATH ARRIVING

PARSONS
(BY ROTE) I am death and I claim your soul. Wa-hay. You called! (RASPBERRY)

ELAINE
Take a hike, we want a proper death or nothing. And you can't come in this casino with those red flares.

PARSONS
Sorry.

FX: WHOOSH

ZX81
Conclusion... we can cheat Death in the short term, by perhaps turning out the lights and hiding behind the sofa when he calls, but he'll eventually come in through the chimbley or something... immortality in this world impossible. Stage 8, is there an after life providing immortality in some kind of heaven or hell .... Searching religion .... more data required, Ian.

BARRY
Of course ZX.

GRAMS: CHURCH BELLS AND CHOIR (UNDER)

FRANCIS
Christians believe that death is only the beginning of life. They are wrong of course, birth is the beginning of life and death is in many ways the end.

GRAMS: BUDDHIST CHANTING AND BOY GEORGE MUSIC (UNDER)

BARRY
Buddhists believe that only thin people will die and it's a central tennet of their faith that the believer must try and eat so much food that he will be too fat to pass through the door of death, or as the Burmese call it, "The Death-door".

GRAMS: "LIVE AND LET DIE" (UNDER)

FRANCIS
The Voodoo worshippers of the Cinammon islands try to scare away death by dancing to loud calypso music. Legend explains times of famine and illness as death stuffing his ears with boiled turnip. The calypso still plays but 'turnip-eared' death does not hear.

GRAMS: ACCORDIAN MUSIC "ALLO ALLO" (UNDER)

BARRY
Even today in superstitious Catholic France, it is common practice for sick, old people to cover themselves in the faeces and urine of farm animals and children in the hope that the smell will keep death away. Ironically, this practice only contributes to their ill-health.

GRAMS: COMPUTER SOUNDS AND ATOM BOMBS GOING OFF (UNDER)

FRANCIS
The national religion of Japan, Whaang, believes that the after life will take the form of a small cubicle full of American beer and with a video screen showing continuous films of blonde western girls in hot 4 way action.

GRAMS: OUT

ZX81
Data received.... sleet in the South east..... searching.... historical, religious view of death and existence of Heaven and Hell.... example, Wakefield Mystery play....'The Hell-Firey Devil Pageant......

GRAMS: MEDIEVAL TYPE MUSIC

FX: OUTDOORS, A PLAY GOING ON. CROWD WATCHING AND REACT. ALSO ON STAGE VILLAGERS REACTING TO THE ACTION

MAK
Come merry people, the music doth play, let us wamble and dance the aver away.

VILLAGERS
But Mak, you are lewd, this is St. Gib's day.

MAK
No matter.

FX: THUNDER, LIGHTENING, CRASH AS DEVIL ARRIVES WITH A TERRIFYING LAUGH

DEVIL
Who dares dance and wamble on the day of St Gib?!

VILLAGERS
Ah, tis Lucifer devil with his plasticy bib!

DEVIL
Mak, away you to Hell to feel the nip of my drib,
And batter.

FX: WHOOSH AS MAK IS TAKEN TO HELL, GASPS AND CRIES FROM VILLAGERS

VILLAGERS
Off zim they quick, on death's knobbly stick
To suck with the dead!

MAK
(MOVING AWAY) I am well feft sam in a stead!

FX: CRIES AND WAILS AND GNASHING OF TEETH OF HELL, FIRE, ETC

DEVIL
Your feet of sin burn own in sulphury flame.
Frogs peck out your eyes and your elbows they maim.
Slapped is your appendix, your buttocks are lit.
Your hair is cut badly and your gangerlies slit.

SQUIRRELS
We are Hell's squirrels who nibble and chant.
And skewer your nipples and put wasps in your pants.

MAK
Mine is the fate of all those who sin.
Remember your place, of Hell's hole you will fall in...... to.

ZX81
Conclusion... throughout history man has seen hell... hail... hell and heaven simply in terms of his own cultural and social surroundings... or something like that anyway. So Heaven and Hell are what we make them. Hmmm, makes you think... analysing data... Stage 4, still outstanding. Status report requested.

BARRY
Well, Francis, any developments with Mr Griffis?

FRANCIS
No.

BARRY
Sorry about that everyone, Francis has really...

FX: THE IMPRESSION OF TIME FREEZING TAPE SLOWS DOWN AND STOPS, WHOOSH

RICHARDSON
Hello, Mr Griffis. I am Richardson, but you perhaps know me better as "death"!

GRIFFIS
Oh dear.

RICHARDSON
That's right. And I am here to give you rigor mortis... or this highly educational book on canals.

GRIFFIS
Oh, I'll have the book on canals, please.

RICHARDSON
Bugger!

FX: WHOOSH

BARRY
(TAPE SPEEDS UP TO NORMAL) ...let us down... sorry, ZX, he's still alive.

ZX81
Stage 9, if Heaven and Hell is purely human invention, is it possible that at death our souls .... existence not confirmed... enter another living form... Reincarnation... Elaboration demanded.

FRANCIS
The term reincarnation literally means "incarnating again" or to put it another way, reincarnating.

BARRY
It is a philosophy shared by many peoples, the Greeks, the Hindus, the Red Indians and drunken old blokes in pubs who start talking to you when you're just trying to have a quiet drink with your friends.

FRANCIS
So ZX, what can you tell us about reincarnation?

ZX81
WHIRR WHIRR WHIRR. It's a load of old crap.

FRANCIS
Ah, I see.

ZX81
Stage 10. If humans have a soul... still assumption... and they do not reincarnate... do they become ghosts, spooks, ghoulies, wiggly wormies... Searching... Hamlet's father... Banquo in Macbeth... Timothy Claypole off of "Rentaghost"... opinion of an expert on the Supernatural required... searching... Somerset... present time.

GRAMS: COUNTRY SPOOKY MUSIC

FX: INTERIOR OF A CAVE. DRIPPING WATER, ECHO

ROWLAND
(OLD SOMERSET MAN) Hello, my name's Rowland Pavey and I live a life of spiritual purity in my cave in the Somersetshire village of Incester. It's a tightly knit community. There, after a couple of pints, I cultivate my ability to see the invisible magnetic waves sent from the astral plane to my eyes. So you have some bloody respect, young uns. I know you kids today spend all day taking drugs and dancing to acid rain, but you should listen to me, because I know all the world's secrets. when you die you transcend to the astral plane which is hidden from mortal eyes, but co-exists with our own physical world. And the reason you can't see it is because there is a big screen up, like a large collander. The spirits are like pebbles and they can pass through easily, both ways, but the physical world is made of sprouts and so can't get through. The spirits are always coming for me when I'm trying to get to sleep. They throw rubbish and bottles into my cave and call out to me. I've made tapes. Listen ....

LADDY VOICES
(ON TAPE) Get lost you smelly old sod! Piss off oddball.

RASPUTIN
(ON TAPE) I am the invisible Ra Ra Rasputin and your bottles and rubbish can afford me no harm.

FX: THUD

RASPUTIN
Ow, watch it.

FX: TAPE OFF

ROWLAND
And they chant my name for hours on end... "Rowland, Rowland"... but they don't mean any harm. Some people come up to me and say that I'm completely mad, but I have my answer ready and waiting and quick as a flash I reply, "Ass to that me sonner!", and they can't answer that.

ZX81
Information inconclusive... attempt to contact the dead required... recommendation ouiji board. Ian.

BARRY
Yes, ZX. Ouiji boards are seen by some as the channel of communication with the spirit world that Rowland was talking about. But dabbling in this black art is said to threaten life and soul and end in physical and mental damage. But "Spooky World of..." team is not afraid to take such risks to find out the truth. Francis.

FRANCIS
What? I'm not doing it. It's evil. Why can't you do it?

BARRY
Er, I've got a sore ear.

FRANCIS
Oh, right. I see. Well, over in this part of the studio we've set up a giant ouiji board with a big glass in the middle, so that all the audience can join in with the experiment. We have scientifically recreated all the conditions for a ouiji session. We've plied the audience with alcohol, passed round a couple of spliffs, told that story about the old granny with the hairy hands and the axe and cruelly taunted anyone who says the occult is against their religion. Ready? Right, rest your fingers on the glass everyone, but no pushing.

FX: GLASS MOVING AROUND FAST

FRANCIS
It's working...S...O...R...R...Y... W...E...R...E... Sorry, we're... N...O...T... I...N... Not in... at... the... moment... but leave your name and message... and... we'll... get... back... to... you... Beep... Oh.

BARRY
There you go. The BBC would like to remind small children that there is nothing clever or big about experimenting with the occult, but it's a good laugh if you've had a few.

ZX81
Conclusion, there's something strange in the neighbourhood, ghostly manifestations a possibility... (ANNOYED) Data still required... Stage 4... do we have a soul? ... Information unreceived... Urgent.

BARRY
Well, Mr Griffis, you heard ZX, it's nearly the end of the show. How ya feeling?

GRIFFIS
Well actually I'm feeling a lot better. All these people and the excitement seem to have perked me up a bit.

BARRY
You're feeling better?

GRIFFIS
I have Mr Sousa to thank. Our little chat about canals, it reminded me of how much I used to enjoy things. I'd forgotten, I'd given up the ghost. Joy says illness is all in the mind, and I think she's right.

FRANCIS
I'm so glad. Shall we undo the straps? Ooooh, where did that book come from?

BARRY Oh, I am pleased, Mr Griffis. I mean you did promise to come on the show and die for us, but you mustn't feel any kind of obligation.

GRIFFIS
I'm sure we could work out some kind of compromise.

BARRY
No, no. You're the important one. I mean if you had died and the experiment had worked, then all of humanity would have known if there was such a thing as a human soul, but at least now we all know about canals.

FRANCIS
Perhaps we've found the answer anyway.

BARRY
What are you on about?

FRANCIS
All I know, Barry, is that when Mr Griffis came in here today he was a weak, tired old man on the verge of death ... and now, now he's still a weak tired old man, but he feels a bit better and he's made a new friend ... Right, Phil?

GRIFFIS
Yes, Francis.

FRANCIS
And if that doesn't prove the existence of a soul, I don't know what does.

BARRY
(PAUSE) Oh, of course.

ZX81
Conclusion... Ian's friend is correct. Soul's existence verified. Final conclusion imminent, only one more piece of data needed. Shrewsbury ... present time ... Peter Fenn's Hammond Organ Believe it or not file.

GRAMS: HAMMOND ORGAN "WALK IN THE BLACK FOREST" BY JANOWLSKI

PETER
Believe it or not, "The Tibetan Book of the Dead" isn't, as you might imagine, a telephone directory type list of all the people who have died in Tibet, but is in fact a guide to transendental meditation.

GRAMS: OUT

ZX81
Thanks, Peter, and this week's Hammond Organ Music was ... ?

PETER
It was "A walk in the Black Forest".

ZX81
By?

PETER
That's by Janowlski.

GRAMS: HAMMOND ORGAN CHORDS "DA DA DA DAAAAH"

FX: BELLS, ALARMS, EXCITEMENT.

GRAMS: SUSPENSE MUSIC

ZX81
Final conclusion imminent, gales imminent, conclusion imminent.

BARRY
Right, ZX, all 10 stages are complete and it's time for you to answer the big one, "Just what happens to us when we've died?"

ZX81
Assimilating data. (RAPID JUMBLE OF QUOTATIONS FROM THE WHOLE SHOW, GETTING FASTER AND SEPARATED BY TAPE FAST FORWARDING) The final cessation of vital functions in a / trouser press / "DEAD WOOD STAGE" BY DORIS DAY / (TRAINEE DEATHS) I am death and I claim your / (PEBBLE) Aubergines?!!! / (ZX81) death is a person / (FRANCIS) skellingtons / (RASPUTIN) a cat who really was gone... earth otters / (ANICE CADDELL) freezer / (BARRY) hot 4 way action / (DEVIL) nip of my drib / (LADS) piss off oddball / (ZX81) Soul's existence verified / HAMMOND ORGAN "WALK IN THE BLACK FOREST" BY JANOWLSKI.

Conclusion reached, answer available.

FRANCIS
Yes.

ZX81
Taking the first and third letter of every fifth word of each of my conclusions, apart from the one about religion, you will see that the answer is to "Ask Geoffrey Quigley"... areas of high pressure. Logging off. Goodbye Ian.

FX: SHUTTING DOWN SOUNDS THEN SILENCE

BARRY
Hold on! Geoff Quigley? Who's he?

QUIGLEY
(IN AUDIENCE) Er, that's me.

BARRY
In the audience? Well, what's the answer?

QUIGLEY
Em, I hadn't really given it much thought. Er, I suppose I believe that there is some kind of soul, though not in the conventional religious sense. All souls, after death, bind together in a huge web of energy or force holding the Universe in constant harmony, you know, like in Star Wars ... a bit.

FX: POLITE APPLAUSE AND CRIES OF WELL DONE GEOFF. CONGRATULATIONS ETC

FRANCIS
Well, who'd have thought it.

[A similar punchline to the above was used at the end of Show 2 ('The Universe').]

GRAMS: QUIET MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

FX: BEACH AGAIN

LIONEL
So, the evidence has fallen like little leaves from a tree and my team and ZX81 gathered up those leaves, or evidence, and placed them in a black bin liner. Some of the leaves may have blown away or been carried off by starlings or birds, but they were probably much the same as the ones we're left with... Where was I?... Anyway, now you have it. The answer to the question that has haunted mankind for centuries. Join me, Lionel Nimrod, next week for more journeys into my spooky world.

GRAMS: SPOOKY TITLE MUSIC
CREDITS

C. ANNOUNCER
Sadly, after the recording of this programme, Mr Philip Griffis, the elderly man from Solihull in the West Midlands involved in the experiment to determine whether we have a soul, died on his way home from the studio. His doctor said, "Mr Griffis was very old and weak and his death was expected." Northern television presenter Barry Crustings was detained by police for questioning, but released without charge. A polythene bag containing a mysterious, foul smelling, green gas found at the scene of Mr Griffis's death was thrown away by the police for reasons of hygiene... And now on Radio....

RASPUTIN
Your continuity announcing can not blemish me, the invincible Ra Ra Rasputin!

ANNOUNCER
I wasn't really try ....

FX: WHOOSH

MALLETT
Er, I am death .... whoops.

ANNOUNCER
What's going on? Careful!!

MALLETT
Where is everyone? I've come for ... can you read this? Frawcis Suso.

ANNOUNCER
Francis Sousa.

MALLETT
Yeah, is he here?

ANNOUNCER
No, they've all gone for a curry.