FX: NOISES OF THINGS AS THEY ARE DESCRIBED (AS IN 'SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN' OPENING TITLES)
WHIRRING COMPUTERS, 70'S IDEA OF SCIENCE

VOICE
(TINNY, DISTANT) 5... 4... 3... 2... 1... Lift off.
(VOICE CONTINUES UNDER DESCRIBING FLIGHT)

FX: ROCKET LAUNCH

LIONEL NIMROD:
(PRE-RECORDED) July 12th, 1990. The launch of ZX81, a seemingly ordinary satellite designed to collect and analyse Information on Earth's weather. But unbeknownst to its controllers a tiny crop parasite, the sarcoptic mange mite had flown into the very heart of the rocket's circuits.

FX: COMPUTER NOISES, ELECTRONICS, FLUTTER, FIZZLE, JOLT. TINNY VOICES 'SHE'S GOING OFF COURSE, SHE'S BREAKING UP', ETC

LIONEL
The ZX81 entered an unintended orbit, passing through a mysterious space cloud or something and began to assimilate information beyond its specifications.

ZX81
WHIRR..... It will be drizzly with a light breeze later .... and the doors or perception are open to those who follow the meditative way to all knowledge.

LIONEL
That's when they called me in. I'm Lionel Nimrod, author of 'The Unexplainable' and Mackay off of ABC TV's 'Star Ark'. Each week it is the task of me and my team to feed ZX81 the data it requires to enable it to give the answer to one of the mysteries that has haunted man for all time. Join me, if you dare, in this, my spooky world.....

GRAMS: BIG CRESCENDO AND END
QUIET MYSTERIOUS MUSIC (UNDER)

FX: SEA SHORE, BREEZE, EXOTIC BIRDS, GIGGLING WOMEN. BARE FEET PACING LAZILY THROUGH GOLDEN SAND

LIONEL
Friends, we are all interested in foreign travel and the foreign places it can take us to. And you know, in a way, we will be travelling to a kind of foreign country this week, but the land we're journeying to is not France, or Spain, or Wales, oh no. It is a land beyond the day-to-day world of the physical plane. And you know, whoever we are, we will all have one last, long journey to make, even if we are very old or have lost our legs showing off in a plane like Douglas Bader. The journey to which 1 refer is the one we call death. Since time began, man has puzzled over death's conundrum, but in just one half hour you will know its answer.

SPOOKY VOICE
Lionel Nimrod's Spooky World of.....

GRAMS: OUT

GRAMS: NAFF, LOUD POP/ROCK MUSIC (ESTABLISH AND UNDER)

NAFFO VOICE
(JOLLY) Death and the Afterlife .... with European editor of the Annual Science Pamphlet, Francis Sousa.

FRANCIS
Hello.

NAFFO VOICE
Popular northern youth TV celebrity, Barry Crustings!

BARRY
All right!

NAFFO VOICE
And weather communication satellite, ZX81.

ZX81
(FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE) Good evening..... with rain later.

GRAMS: FADE AND OUT, PERHAPS REPLACED WITH LESS BLARING BACKGROUND MUSIC

BARRY
Death! Love it, hate it, you just can't avoid it.

FRANCIS
Rich and poor, high and humble, death's icy hands eventually touch us all.

BARRY
Both Julius Caesar and Arthur Askey bear witness to its dread power.

FRANCIS
His scythe has claimed amongst others Benito Mussolini and Hattie Jaques.

BARRY
Perkin Warbeck, pretender to the throne of Henry VII, musician the Big Bopper, Neville Chamberlain and Nigel Kennedy have all shuffled off this mortal coil. The list is endless.

FRANCIS
Samuel Beckett.....

BARRY
Yes ... (TRYING TO CONTINUE) But ....

FRANCIS
Franz Kafka and Peter Glaze from Crackerjack, all the good ones off of Dad's Army.............

BARRY
All right, Francis. But the question is what happened to them when they died? For instance, was Arthur Askey's physical death, the end for his cheerful brand of family entertainment, he to this day bringing a chuckle to the lips of the choir invisible or has his soul reincarnated in a new, physical form, perhaps as a busy, busy bee? Tonight we will find out!

FRANCIS
Yes, for the first time, these questions can be answered thanks to the ZX81 satellite.

BARRY
The ZX81 was meant to answer questions about our weather, but due to a bizarre, rather badly explained and unlikely accident it can now answer questions on any given subject.

FRANCIS
Yes, using its satellite type capabilities it can pick up stuff from all sorts of sources, like television, computers, experiments here in the studio, mobile phones, Ceefax, 0898 Party lines and the Cheddar Valley Gazette. And because of the curved shape of space, or something it can even observe past or future events to answer our questions.

BARRY
And tonight we're starting with a bit of a toughie.

FRANCIS
Log on to satellite!

FX: SPECTRUM COMPUTER TAPE BEING PLAYED. WHIRRING COMPUTER SOUNDS, HEAVY SWITCHES BEING THROWN

GRAMS: EXCITING THUNDERBIRDS TYPE MUSIC

FRANCIS
Yellow alert, Barry.

BARRY
Breaker, Breaker, ZX81. Do you copy, we have a question.

ZX81
Yes, I do copy. Confirm weatherman status.

BARRY
Ian Mackaskill, 6 o'clock news.

ZX81
I don't think you are.

BARRY
Yes, I am, honest.

ZX81
Oh, all right then. What information do you require?

BARRY
What happens to us when we've died?

ZX81
(WHIRRING, ETC) Operational ... Hmmm, that is a toughie ... Necessary to pass through ten stages before reaching ultimate conclusion .... gathering data .... Stage one, Books .... searching all literature for reference to death ... Stop search at Acton Public Library .... children's section ... volume entitled "Cappy Dick's Book of Death for Young Women"....Locating relevent passages. Death .... the final cessation of vital functions in an organism; the ending of life.

FRANCIS
Barry, I'm a bit confused. It's all going so quickly. What possible use is all this specific information.

BARRY
Oh, Francis, don't you understand..... er .... the satellite moves in mysterious ways...

FRANCIS
Oh, I see.

ZX81
To die, breathe one's last, croak, expire, go over to the majority, close Grandpa's window, kick the potato, join Mr Smelly in worm land, drop the penultimate frying pan .... it will be cloudy with sunny intervals .... succumb to the final trouser press .... Terminology absorbed .... death defined .... stage one completed. Stage two .... References in music..... Focusing on the collection of Clive Jones, 9 Lidyard Road, Chippenham .... Searching ....

GRAMS: BRIEF RELEVANT EXTRACTS SEGUED TOGETHER: FUNERAL MARCH; "LIVE AND LET DIE" BY WINGS; "DEAD MAN" BY ASLEEP AT THE WHEEL; "DEATH ALAS I CAN NOT..." BY PURCELL; "DEAD GIVEAWAY" BY SHALAMAR; "DIE YOU BASTARD" BY MOTORHEAD; "DEAD MAN BLUES" BY JELLY ROLL MORTON; "DEATH WATCH BEETLE" BY ARTHUR ASKEY; "DEAD POP STARS" BY ALTERED IMAGES;- "DEAD RINGER" BY MEATLOAF; "DEAD WOOD STAGE" BY DORIS DAY

ZX81
Stage two completed ... ingested ... stage three .... what the famous and influential have said about subject...... searching ... Oscar Wilde. 1901.

FX: TEACUPS AND POLITE COMPANY

OSCAR
Well, Lord Arthur, it is better to be dead and buried, than simply to be buried.

FX: POLITE APPLAUSE AND FX OUT

ZX81
William Shakespeare. 1592.

FX: BAWDY PUB

SHAKESPEARE
Death my ass, give us another beer.

FX: OUT

ZX81
Oscar Wilde. 1902.

FX: TEAPARTY AS BEFORE

OSCAR
Well, Lord Richardson, it is better to be dead and buried than simply to be dead.

FX: POLITE APPLAUSE AND FX OUT

ZX81
Sir Thomas Grayton. 1451.

GRAMS: LUTE MUSIC

FX: CHICKENS, ETC

GRAYTON
(CRUSTY) The ear of death pays no heed to the harbinger of flattery.

FX: OUT

ZX81
Anneka Rice. 1981.

FX: HELICOPTER

ANNEKA
Death? Oh crikey, that's awful.

FX: OUT

ZX81
Oscar Wilde. 1903.

OSCAR
Well, Lord Terry, it is better to be dead and buried than not dead and not buried ... oh, erm .... hang on ....

FX: DISAPPOINTMENT. "NOT AS GOOD AS LAST YEAR"- "MMMMM", ETC. AND OUT

ZX81
Sue Pollard. 1991.

GRAMS: SINISTER MUSIC

SU
The dark background which death supplies brings out the tender colours of life in their purity. For what is our soul? Hi de Hi!! Oooooh Miss Cathcart.

GRAMS: OUT

ZX81
End Stage three. Ms Pollard's words are truly wise for what is our soul what is our soul, oooooh Miss Cathcart. Information required. Concept of soul needs some explanation. Squally showers. Stage four. Request weatherman input what is our soul?

FRANCIS
Well, ZX, the soul is central to all after life philosophies as that portion of the individual which lives on after death.

BARRY
But can we give ZX proof of its existence, or what?

FX: MONITOR'S BEEPING, COMPUTER ETC SOUNDS (UNDER)

FRANCIS
You know, I thought you might ask me that. I am joined this evening by Mr Philip Griffis of Solihull in the West Midlands. Doctors have informed Mr Griffis that due to a rare incurable disease he is going to very unfortunately die in the next 30 minutes. Which is bad news for Mr Griffis, but rather good news for us and ZX. Hello Mr Griffis (POLITELY, NOT THINKING) How are you?

GRIFFIS
Well, I'm feeling rather poorly actually.

FRANCIS
Ah yes, of course, sorry. Now Mr Griffis has kindly consented to take part in a scientific experiment to determine whether at the point of death any soul or soul type thing will leave his body .... Are you sure this is OK, Mr Griffis?

GRIFFIS
Yes, of course. If I can be of any help. I've had a good innings, you know.

FRANCIS
All right then. Well, as the audience can see, Mr Griffis and his life support machine are strapped up into a sort of dentist's chair arrangement at the bottom of the extremely intricate apparatus and he is blindfolded. At the moment of his death the soul, if there is such a thing, will ascend through this long curly glass pipe; through these bell jars and up here into this large polythene bag. Here it will be trapped by these specially designed green lights and the bag sent as a weather balloon into outer space for analysis by ZX81.

BARRY
And how do those green lights work, Francis?

FRANCIS
You know, I thought you might ask me that ... er..... I got the idea from that Ghostbusters film, you know, with those green laser type things.... Um, are you OK, Mr Griffis?

GRIFFIS
Don't you worry Mr Sousa. It all sounds very interesting and worthwhile. I'd be at home myself, tuning in on the old wireless if I were well enough.

FRANCIS
Oh that's really very kind of you, Mr Griffis. Perhaps after the show you'd like to join me for a drin .... oh, I'm sorry.

BARRY
Well, we'll be returning to the experiment to be in at the death, so to speak! Process delay, ZX. Start new data search.

ZX81
Stage four incomplete. Continue to Stage five .... What form does take? Searching .... Museum of Anthropology Located. Interactive death display detailing the theories of death from all nations. India, death descends like some kind of cloud. Holland, death takes the form of a big slide. Various nations .... a man with a scythe ... known by many names... "Time's Grey Woodman", "The Cloaked Baliff", "The Grumpy Coxswain", "Skelletor", "Black Ian", "The Grim Reaper"....Attempt to locate the actual Grim Reaper .... searching located present time .... the bowels of planet earth the training school for deaths monitoring

FX: HELL TYPE SOUNDS, SCARY AND SPOOKY

GRIM REAPER
Right you three, I've had it!!

ALL DEATHS
(LIKE SCHOOL CHILDREN) Yes, Mr Reaper.

GRIM
Didn't go too well, did it?

ALL DEATHS
No, sir.

GRIM
So, we'll take a look at your videos shall we? Parsons.

FX: VIDEO ON

OUTSIDE BUILDING, HIGH UP. CARS DOWN BELOW.

SOUND OF A MAN EDGING HIS WAY ALONG

MEGAPHONE
Don't jump, Mr Grayson, don't jump.

FX: WHOOSH OF DEATH ARRIVING

PARSONS
(CHEERY) Wa-hay! Hello mate, how's it going?!

SUICIDEE
Wha .... ? Who are you? Where did you come from?

PARSONS
I'm death mate. I've come to get your soul before you top yourself! Ha ha!

SUICIDEE
You can't be death. You're wearing a bermuda shirt and tuquoise trousers.

PARSONS
Well get you! I'd have thought you'd have worn a jumper!!!! A jumper. Geddit!!!

SUICIDEE
I'm not coming with you. You're stupid. Let me back in.

PARSONS
What? What's going on. Get back out here.

FX: VIDEO OFF FX OUT

GRIM
For God's sake, Parsons, you're meant to be the Grim Reaper. Stop sniggering! Repeat after me, all of you, (MENACING) "I am death and I claim your soul."

ALL DEATHS
(NOT MENACINGLY, LIKE FRENCH,CLASS) I am death and I claim your soul.

GRIM
Pathetic. And Mallett. Mr Newbold. A simple heart attack.

FX: VIDEO ON, LIVING ROOM RADIO ON, KETTLE BOILING

MR NEWBOLD
Ooooh dear, I feel all funny.

MRS NEWBOLD
Are you all right?

FX: WHOOSH

MR NEWBOLD
Watch out!

MALLETT
(VERY CLUMSY) I am deat..... oooops.

MALLETT
It's this black robe thing. It's a bit long for me.

MR NEWBOLD
Mind what you're doing with that scythe, you'll hurt someone.

MALLETT
I'll put it down.

MRS NEWBOLD
Aaaah!

MALLETT
Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to do that. I am a dafty.

FX: VIDEO OFF, FX OUT

GRIM
Richardson, Mr Ken Pebble and his bizarre shopping accident?

RICHARDSON
Well, I knew he liked vegetables and that, so I decided to lure him.

FX: VIDEO ON

SHOP DOOR BELL JANGLE, MUFFLED SOUNDS OF STREETLIFE

PEBBLE
Hello. I've not seen this grocer shop before. Is it new?

RICHARDSON
Yes, it is Mr Pebble.

PEBBLE
Well, what you got on offer then?

RICHARDSON
Aubergines or death?

PEBBLE
Death!!!!!

RICHARDSON
Death.

PEBBLE
Aubergines!!!!!

RICHARDSON
Yes.

PEBBLE
(PAUSE) Well, I'll have the aubergines please.

RICHARDSON
Oh ... all right. 76 pence.

PEBBLE
Goodbye.

FX: SHOP DOORBELL

RICHARDSON
Damn.

FX: VIDEO OFF, FX OUT

GRIM
I like what you were trying there Richardson, but you made the mistake of offering him a choice, didn't you?

RICHARDSON
Sorry.

GRIM
You're all crap. Now get out there and try again.

FX: WHOOSH WHOOSH WHOOSH

GRIM
Honestly, they'll be the death of me.

FX: HELL STUFF OUT

ZX81
Conclusion .... humid in Middlesbrough ... Evidence establishes that death takes the form of a person, but due to heavy workload, like Father Christmas, he has his helpers..... Stage five completed. Processing ... WHIRR... Stage six ....

FRANCIS
Er... ZX.

ZX81
Pause in program... Hold stage six. Yes, Ian's weather friend?

FRANCIS
It's just I've been thinking about death and I've come up with some interesting things that I thought might help you.

BARRY
Shut up, Francis.

ZX81
No, Ian, let your friend load his data.

GRAMS: NAFF JINGLE

VOICES
(SINGING) Francis's Facts, Francis's Facts,
Amazing but true... Well fancy that!
Francis's Facts, Francis's Facts, Facts,
Facts, Facts, Facts,
Facts... facts... facts.

VOICE
Facts, oh.

FRANCIS
The Egyptians believed that after death their soul travelled on to the spirit world and consequently filled their tombs with provisions for a long journey. Boiled sweets, puzzle and men's leisure interest magazines, long novels and magnetic games...

If all the dead people throughout history were to stand on the Isle of Wight, they would scare away all the tourists, seriously damaging the island's fragile economy...

"You only live twice", so says James Bond author, Ian Fleming. However, he is mistaken. In actual fact, you only live once...

When we sneeze, air is ejected from our lungs at 257 miles per hour. That one's not strictly speaking about death. I just thought it was interesting...

GRAMS: JINGLE

VOICES
(SING) Francis's Facts, Francis's Facts
More facts next week that are as true as your hat.

BARRY
So ZX, was that of any use?

ZX81
Not really, Ian, no... Rewind.

FX: TAPE REWOUND THROUGH FRANCIS'S FACTS