PART THREE

ROSS
What are you lot doing in my bedroom? Get out, this instant before I call the police...! Oh... the Tumbleweeds, right, okay...

Welcome back. Now we present the award for Worst Radio Comedy. Now, there's one show which has been automatically disqualified this year, and that's Radio 4's Down the Line.

ENTIRE ROOM ERUPTS INTO BOOS AND JEERS

Oh yes! You hear that, Down The Line? That's the sound of an industry which doesn't take kindly to being fooled! The perpetrators of this so-called 'comedy show' thought it very clever to send out a fake press release which suggested that the talk radio character was genuine, instead of explaining the joke so we could all join in. Well I'm sorry, but this is just not playing the game! It may have been de rigeur in the 80s and 90s but things have changed now! We all have a very difficult job to do and we don't relish being lied to like this. Poor old Rachel Cooke was unjustifiably made to look a right idiot, and became so depressed that her next column - 'Big Brother Contestants: Why We All Think They're Morons and Laugh at Them' - was delayed by two whole weeks!

So, no more pissing about, okay? Or if you do, at least have the common courtesy to share the joke with us beforehand so we can all laugh over the fact that it fooled the spazzy public. Them's the rules.

Okay, who's won anyway? Well, no-one really...

Worst Radio Comedy
Quote Unquote
Making plans for Nigel
50% of the overall vote
"Never listened to any of those, but they can't be worse than Serious About Comedy surely?"
- Bert Thung
"I'm sure they're all shite."
- g hj
"Sorry, unable to comment because I haven't heard them. But I would say Quote Unquote as I pictured people doing the inverted commas sign, and that pissed me off."
- Dan Smith
RUNNERS UP:
Not Today, Thank You (32%)
Out To Lunch (18%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
Chris Moyles

Just goes to show really. Radio's so bloody marginalised that most people can't even be bothered getting annoyed by it these days.

Sadly, Nigel Rees of Quote Unquote can't be with us tonight to collect this award because he's putting the finishing touches to the fifth Graffiti book in 1986 or something. That was him, wasn't it?

++ wotz radio 4?? oh, it's 4 broadcasting radio shows? kk lol - P Tong, London ++

An interest in radio may not have floated the voters' collective boats, but they had no problem choosing the Worst Radio Personality. Yup, receiving his second Tumbleweed in a row, it's...

Worst Radio Personality
Chris Moyles
Woo! Gary Davies
57% of the overall vote
Everything that's wrong with this septic isle neatly encapsulated in one brainless, boorish, braying cretin. Mark Lamarr should have knocked the fat fool's teeth out when he had the chance. "
- Rupert Pupkin
"It's as though everything that was wrong with the country congealed into one fat, talentless, obnoxious hateful imbecile. He reminds me of that thing from 'Blade' minus the charm."
- C J Davies
"I saw him in the pub."
- Dan Smith
RUNNERS UP:
Karl Pilkington (23%)
Richard Herring (19%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
n/a (new category)

Nope, still doesn't really affect my life I'm afraid.

Sadly, Chris Moyles couldn't be here tonight to accept this award because he accidentally walked past Garry Bushell in the BBC corridor yesterday, causing an inverted temporal reality shift, which resulted in Moyles and Bushell merging into one all-powerful loudmouthed idiot which then grew to a terrifying height of three thousand feet and terrorised Langham Place for the entire length of an exceptionally heavy-handed Russell T. Davies-scripted episode of Doctor Who. Luckily, The Doctor was on hand to destroy this evil hybrid by... oh, I dunno, getting Westlife to sing a song about the power of love, I'd imagine. I mean, it's a kids show, innit?

Now, before the next award, let's go over once again to John O'Farrell...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Guess what! The man who lives next-door-but-one has forgotten to
put his bins out again. That's three weeks on the trot now! Cyuh!

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John O'Farrell there. At last we have our own version of Popbitch...

++ karl iz definitely real, but gervaise is made up - R. Ince, Rubbernecker ++

Okay, time for the Worst Podcast. An exciting new category for an exciting new method of broadcast. Basically a podcast is like a normal radio or TV show, but, being on the internet, it doesn't have to be quite as good.

Worst Podcast
The Ricky Gervais Show
The diseased mental ramblings of a madman! And as for Karl...
58% of the overall vote
"Fed up with all the Gervais bashing that goes around, I decided to listen to this. Then I decided that the Gervais-bashers were right."
- weekender
"The Ricky Gervais Show - Only one I've heard as there was a load on an iPod somebody found and sold me. Empty."
- James Taylor
"man you got an opportunity here to educate an agitate an inform, but all you do is laugh at the other guy for bein stupid"
- Rootin' Tootin' Raspberry
RUNNERS UP:
Russell Brand (28%)
The Now Show (12%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
n/a (new category)

A few rather disgruntled individuals have become incensed by this category, insisting that it was created with a clear winner in mind. Curiously, such dissenting voices weren't quite so loud when the participants got the Guinness Book of Records to create a Most Downloaded Podcast category, but that's by the by.

Sadly, Ricky, Stephen and Karl can't be here to collect this award in person. They got as far as the hospitality room and then suddenly announced that they "might... um... have to charge a feeee. To carry on...". Our producer did attempt to remonstrate with them but they got really tarty, saying "Well, you can't complain - we travelled from our house to the studio for free! You've had that much!" It all seemed a bit transparent to us - Gervais has never been particularly good at acting after all.

So we turned them away and just swiped an acceptance speech from a fansite instead. It wasn't much cop, to be honest.

Now, Cook'd and Bomb'd is by no means the only discussion board on the internet which discusses popular media. And I'm pleased to say we can now go over live to The Mausoleum Club to find out what they think about what 2006 comedy had to offer...

Author Subject: 2006 comedy
Simon Cagoule
Prisoner
Posts: 2987
Reg. 3-11-2003
Location Online

Mood: level
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:10 PM
Well, chaps, it's been slim pickings this year as regards comedy! My Hero anyone?! Personally, I'd have rather watched paint dry! Still, plenty of stuff to pick up for the old Christmas stocking! Ooh, matron!!!



Simon Dull
Man In A Suitcase
Posts: 1287
Reg. 10-4-2002
Location Online

Mood: cool
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:15 PM
Ha, rather watch paint dry! Nice one, Simon! It seems comedy's fine if you're an Asian lesbian trade union leader, but what about normal, non-PC people who want something decent from good old Auntie Beeb with their Wagon Wheels and Alphabetti Spaghetti? Honestly, the mind boggles! Stone me!!!!!



Simon Stern
Crackerjack!
Posts: 5438
Reg. 26-12-2001
Location Online

Mood: pissed
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:18 PM
What we autistic nerds have to remember is that television is not made for us. My three year old loves watching My Hero. I know it's not 'trendy' to think this way, but there it is. I think it's excellent that the BBC is catering for my three year old.



Simon Racist
Minstrel
Posts: 761
Reg. 16-1-2005
Location Online

Mood: made up
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:20 PM
I don't mind My Hero. At least it doesn't have blacks in it.



Simon Dull
Man In A Suitcase
Posts: 1287
Reg. 10-4-2002
Location Online

Mood: cool
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:21 PM
Took the words right out of my mouth, Simon!



Simon Whimsy
Z Car
Posts: 7268
Reg. 10-4-2002
Location Online

Mood: dirty
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:23 PM
Hey everyone, how about an award for favourite type of DVD hinge? Mine's a quadruple-sprocket Imperial Classic � its use on Some Space Thing Season 68 was inspired!



Simon Dull
Man In A Suitcase
Posts: 1287
Reg. 10-4-2002
Location Online

Mood: cool
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:25 PM
I trust the dreaded scanavo cases won't win anything? Unless it's an award for worst type of hinge rather than best type of hinge! Flippin' 'eck, Tucker!



Simon Whimsy
Z Car
Posts: 7268
Reg. 10-4-2002
Location Online

Mood: dirty
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:27 PM
Nice one, Simon! Exterminate!!!!



Simon Stern
Crackerjack!
Posts: 5438
Reg. 26-12-2001
Location Online

Mood: pissed
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:30 PM
I have to say, as someone who has a goodytwoshoes attitude towards bootleggers in public even though I work in the archives and get all the rare footage I want copied for free, I wouldn't particularly mind if the BBC stopped producing DVDs altogether.



Simon Chummy
Orac
Posts: 4529
Reg. 29-10-2000
Location Online

Mood: perturbed
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:32 PM
Quite right. As someone who hopes to work with you one day, Simon, I agree with everything you say.



Simon Whimsy
Z Car
Posts: 7268
Reg. 10-4-2002
Location Online

Mood: dirty
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:34 PM
Ah well, at least The Great Escape's not on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Everyone
257 Lines
Posts: 7298365
Reg. 19-7-2000
Location Online

Mood: safe
posted on 13-12-2006 at 09:47 PM
Nice one, Simon! IMHO, IMHO, it's off to work we go�

ROSS
Okay, kill it. Next category. Quickly.

++ nothing compares 2 U lol - Prince, USA ++

Right, time to stalk the movements of the Worst Comedy DVD Release award.

Worst Comedy DVD Release
Tittybangbang
Oh for fuck's sake...
27% of the overall vote
"While better BBC 3 series' go unreleased, TittyBangBang not only gets recommissioned but a speedy DVD release too. Why?"
- Jonathan McCalmont
"Racks of this in HMV. Next to good stuff, to try and con people who haven't seen it that it's of a similar pedigree. Best part of £20 quid. Shelf space that could be used for that longed for Fist of Fun/TMWRNJ DVD. If only."
- Chris Chopping
"Surely no-one will buy this."
- Deadman97
RUNNERS UP:
Vic Reeves Big Night Out (25%)
Hancock (14%)
Little Britain (14%)
Little Miss Jocelyn (16%)
KYTV (2%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
n/a (new category)

Gah, we were about to put this one to bed - with the Big Night Out DVD winning for the second year running. We had some great gags planned and everything! Then two more votes came in at the last minute, pushing bloody Tittybangbang into the lead. Well, sod it. It can stay on this page now. Bastards. You just... well, you wouldn't let it lie...

++ Look at the size of that sausage! - A. Driscoll ++

I don't know about you guys but I'm really looking forward to the Tumbleweeds after-show party. I only hope it's a bit more entertaining than last year's. I don't know if you've ever tried playing Twister against the Radio Times Letters Page and Extraneous DVD Selection. It's not much fun, I can tell you. Honestly, the one moment of pleasure all evening was that game of charades where Justin Lee Collins had to mime 'Who Put The Bop In The Bop-She-Bop-She-Bop?' - and decided to do it 'all in one'. It was only as they started to load him into the ambulance that I realised that this is an old Victoria Wood routine isn't it? Shall we cut it? Or just add a cheesy post-modern get-out clause?

This year's should be a bit better though as it's being organised properly by experts. In fact, I gather they're putting the final list of invites together right at this very moment. Let's take a look:

INT. KITCHEN SET - DAY

DAVE AND ROB ARE MAKING A LIST.

DAVE
Who should we invite to the party then?

ROB
Well, I know who definitely shouldn't get an invite - ooh, what are they called? There's two of them. The bloke who always turns up everywhere, and the other one.

DAVE
Dave and Rob?

ROB
Dave and Rob, yes, that's it. You know, I always feel slightly depressed when they're around.

DAVE
Hmm. There's always a horrible smell.

ROB
I mean, it's the same every time - they turn up with their dog-eared copy of Fry and Laurie: Bit No.4 scriptbook and a bottle of Tipp-Ex, and then they just bore everyone rigid.

DAVE
Dave's the worst one, though. And just because he's marginally funnier than the wallpaper, he gets held aloft by easily-pleased students as some kind of comedy giant.

ROB
Yes, and have you noticed how everyone seems to think he's 'highbrow', just because he drops the odd heavy-handed reference to a not-particularly-obscure historical battle he once wrote an essay about.

DAVE
Yes! Rob's not much better, though. Always checking the mirror to see if his stubble's as rugged as his hero's... what's he called again?

ROB
Oh, Hitch. He follows him everywhere.

DAVE
I wouldn't mind, but Rob always volunteers to provide the party nibbles.

ROB
For a fee!

DAVE
Oh yes. And it's always those shitty hamburgers! He really loves it, apparently. Although his means of expressing said rapture are not entirely grammatically sound.

ROB
But it's together they're at their worst. You sort of think, hang on, maybe this is quite funny after all, and maybe you're just being a curmudgeonly miseryguts... but then...

DAVE
...then Jack and Moray from Absolutely turn up and are genuinely funny. You suddenly realise how much time you've wasted watching Dave and Rob, who are only slightly more entertaining than watching two children recite Python sketches in school assembly to impress their drama teacher who's 'a bit of a Python fan'..

ROB
Python? You wish. Most of the time, they just fall back on this plodding 'Two men discuss things in a deadpan way' schtick, the sort of thing 14 year olds do on a Sunday afternoon when the Top 40's a bit shit that week. Which is very lazy. It's as lazy as... um... as um... well, if Dave and Rob were here they could come up with a mediocre, Blackadder-lite simile. And we could all feel a bit cold.

DAVE
Anyway, let's not talk about them anymore. Fancy a Campari? We are gay characters after all.

ROB
No we're not. There's no reference to us being gay in any way. It's just a way of avoiding us putting on dresses. That's all.

DAVE
Oh, OK. Here you are then.

ROB
Thank you, Control.

DAVE
Bo!!!!!

Thank you, Dave and Rob. And their PR team have asked me to remind you about their latest project - The Lost World Of Mitchell & Webb - which features recently unearthed Victorian celluloid of the duo's great great grandfathers doing some material which is a bit like a Zoetrope animation, only not nearly as good. This remarkable footage will be shown at the National Film Theatre, projected from DVD, in the wrong ratio from inside a packet of Monster Munch.

++ don't be mean! why can't all comedy be made of pillows? - Cutesy Gigglegush, still 14 ++

And here it comes, boys and girls, sing right along. It's the Most Useless Talk/Panel Show Guest. Most panel shows these days seem to be populated by braying blokey-blokes whose entire experience of the format's history seems to begin and end at a clip of Lee Hurst saying "cocks" on a They Think It's All Over out-takes tape from the 90s. As such, to be crowned 'Most Useless' amidst such a rabble would take a very special kind of talent.

Most Useless Talk/Panel Show Guest
Alan Davies
Shit Creek
41% of the overall vote
"He is the one and only thing wrong with QI, but it's wrong to the extent that he renders it unwatchable."
- Stephen Graham
"Such a horrible shame that an othewise quite decent enough comedy programme (a great thing today) is so ruined by such a woeful choice of regular. Even worse are the type of viewers who don't seem to worry about the fact that this man has sat through every single 3-hour recording ever and still 'hilariously' just happens to set the alarms off with the most obvious answer every time. He's not a worthwhile let alone neccessary "comic foil" for Fry.

It really is disappointing, it's what, the only panel show today not pretending to be satirical? It's whole comedy-about-any-subject is most reminiscent of 'Whose Line is it Anyway?' than any other panel show which thus leaves room for comics who're actually likeable instead of the punchable cunts otherwise doing the rounds. The big problem with Davies is that he's there ALL the time. At very least kick him off now and then maybe the show could at least get closer to living out its potential now and then."
- AC
"STOP RUINING QI."
- Little Hoover
RUNNERS UP:
David Walliams (31%)
Andy Parsons (27%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
Shirley Ghostman

Very well deserved, that one. After all, it's not like Stephen Fry turned up on Jonathan Creek every week, messing up evidence by scattering lavender potpourri and coriander around the place while performing an interpretive dance to the strains of Radio 3 playing at a reasonable volume in the background, so why should Davies feel the need to act the thick pleb on QI? Moreover, why do Quite Interesting Productions never ask him to shut up once in a while? Or do they just assume that his presence will pacify the kind of viewers who believe that flaunting acquired knowledge is simply 'smug'?

Sadly, Alan Davies can't be here to collect his award in person as he's currently appearing in the audience of that performance of Macbeth at the Old Vic. You can't miss him - he's the one aiming at cheap laughs from the gallery by shouting "He's behind youuuu!"

++ n e 1 know wot 2 think re all this? article deadline 2morrow - A. Collins ++

Now let's dive headlong into the pool of misery that is our Worst Critic award. Despite the views of many a disgruntled comedy writer, the existence of a valid critical voice in the media can provide a worthwhile contribution to society. After all, if we didn't have critics to dangle the 'latest media sensations' in front of all the fad-leaping sheep then who would those sheep furiously claim to have ignored while "making their own mind up thank you"? It's a workable system, ladies and gentlemen.

Tonight's winner has certainly provided the voters with more than a few column inches of pain and suffering.

Worst Critic
Sam Wollaston
Time has told
42% of the overall vote
"Should be publicly horse-whipped for fawning over the second series of Extras when everyone else could see it was easily Gervais and Merchant's worst sitcom work to date. Gareth McLean is Victor Lewis Smith by comparison."
- Rupert Pupkin
"In particular for some bizarre comments he made about Extras."
- JPA
"In Ricky Gervais's diary in this week's Radio Times he writes: "One scene [with Keith Chegwin] holds the record for the most takes in either series, because we just couldn't get through it without laughing. I hope you do the same." But actually there wasn't a time when I couldn't stop laughing. In fact I laughed very little - I marvelled, I squirmed, I clenched, I appreciated, I clapped, but I think most of the laughing was being done by them.

I'm only jealous - I'm not in the gang. And who says you need to laugh a lot in a comedy?"

- Sam Wollaston
RUNNERS UP:
Mark Lawson (29%)
Alison Graham (27%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
Alison Graham (Most Shameless Critical Volte-Face)

Sadly, Sam Wollaston can't be with us tonight in person to collect his award. Luckily he's sent his fictional friend along to collect it - the one he invented so that when he has to review something awkward he can defer his actual opinion to a third party and remain safely on the fence! Sam Wollaston's fictional friend, ladies and gentlemen.

APPLAUSE. SAM WOLLASTON'S FICTIONAL FRIEND ENTERS. LIKE HIS INVENTOR HE IS COMPLETELY TRANSPARENT.

SAM WOLLASTON'S FICTIONAL FRIEND
It gives me great pleasure to accept this on behalf of my dear dear friend Sam. Even though I can't physically hold the award, the mere fact that our Yin Yang collaboration has finally been acknowledged makes me feel all warm and cosy inside. As a result of which, Sam is currently suffering the most ungodly stomach cramps and has a terrible chill running through his body. Everyone's a winner!

++ ask caz if she'll marry me - Geoff, Luton ++

Okay, let's get jiggy with the Most Over-Rated Comedy.

Most Over-Rated Comedy
Extras - Series 2
Exploring the 'embarassment of comedy'
43% of the overall vote
"Comedy's supposed great white hope and figurehead takes up another three hours of our time trying to tell us how brilliant and down to earth he is for being mates with lots of famous people who are also brilliant and really down to earth, and none of them are afraid to laugh at themselves because look, they're mates with Ricky Gervais who is brilliant and down to earth and not afraid to laugh at himself and look a darkie cripple, oh how awkward, and fade to black. Is it a record to descend into complete and utter self indulgence on a scale far suppassing any 70's prog rock excess in your SECOND major project?"
- James Taylor
"I despise Extras with a passion, it has absolutely no originality and little in the way of jokes and yet it's somehow heralded as genius!"
- kobrie11
"In an ideal world Extras probably still deserves to exist; just not on the first-place pedestal."
- ffogems
RUNNERS UP:
The Catherine Tate Show (32%)
Little Britain (24%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
Little Britain (Most Over-Rated Show)

Well, you reap what you sow. Could have put a stop to all this a long time ago. No point closing the gate after the bull's bolted - especially if you're the kind of silly sod who considers that bull 'just part of his schtick'...

Sadly, Ricky Gervais can't be here in person to collect his award because...

A SUDDEN RUMPUS. THE STAGE IS INVADED BY A GROUP OF PEOPLE SHOUTING 'STOP THE SHOW!', 'SHAME!', 'THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!' AND 'OH, HAVE WE STARTED? BOO! HISS!'

ROSS
What on earth...?

THE STAGE INVADERS 'REVEAL' THEMSELVES AS AN ANONYMOUS COOK'D & BOMB'D 'COUP'. THEY EACH WEAR KARL PILKINGTON MASKS WHICH THEY MADE THEMSELVES BY PRINTING OUT A JPEG OF HIS FACE AND PASTING IT ONTO CARDBOARD USING SOME PRITT-STICK THEY FOUND IN A DRAWER.

AS THEY SPEAK, THEIR HEADS SHAKE WITH INDIGNANT PANIC, WHICH, WHAT WITH THE MASKS AND ALL, WOULD LOOK TERRIBLY COMICAL IF ONLY WE COULD BE BOTHERED TO ANIMATE IT.

PILKINGTON #7
This show must stop immediately! It's an absolute outrage! All you're doing is calling Gervais a cunt. It's simply not on!

MOST OF THE PILKINGTONS CROWD BEHIND PILKINGTON #7, SHAKING THEIR FISTS

ROSS
Er, well, there's a little more to it than that, surely?

PILKINGTON #12
Ricky Gervais breathes oxygen! WHAT A CUNT! Hahaha! Hahahaha!

ROSS
I beg your pardon?

PILKINGTON #12
Ricky Gervais drinks water! WHAT A CUNT! Hahaha! Hahahaha!

ROSS
(TO PILKINGTON #7) Um, is your mate okay? He just seems to be blurting out random phrases and then shouting 'what a cunt' while winking in the direction of the studio gallery. Is he ill or something?

PILKINGTON #2
I think you'll find that's our vicious and clever satire on people who spend all their time calling Ricky Gervais a cunt. Because that's all you do, eh lads, eh?

ROSS
Oh right. My mistake. I thought it might just be a desperate attempt to rubbish an ongoing anti-media-salesman argument and spin it as blind acts of 'cunt-calling' because you can't handle the idea of such an idea spreading and rendering you part of a critical minority - the shouty 'Ricky Gervais Eats Food The Cunt Ha Ha' utterances effectively acting as a rallying call to the terminally thick in the hope of increasing your numbers at any cost.

PILKINGTON #2 DISSEMBLES. THE OTHERS SCATTER.

ROSS
(TO CAMERA) The Tumbleweeds, ladies and gentlemen. Online 365 days a year - even over the Christmas period!

PILKINGTON #11 STEPS FORWARD.

PILKINGTON #11
Well that's just as bad!

MOST OF THE PILKINGTONS CROWD BEHIND PILKINGTON #11, SHAKING THEIR FISTS

What about the people who aren't clued-up or intelligent? Why should we... I mean they be ignored? Why should you have the monopoly on intelligence!

PILKINGTON #12
Ricky Gervais lies publically about having been offered a five million pound golden handshake deal by the BBC! WHAT A CUNT! Hahaha! Hahahaha!

VARIOUS PILKINGTONS WRESTLE PILKINGTON #12 TO THE GROUND, SAYING "SHUSH, NOT THAT ONE..."

PILKINGTON #8
(SAVING FACE) Honestly, it's just so boring hearing about this stuff again and again and again. Yes, we know he's a salesman; we know he's lied several times about film roles he's been offered. We know Karl Pilkington is a character...

ROSS
(SARCASTICALLY) Oh, don't mention it. Happy to bring it to your attention. Now then, about the rest of the world...

PILKINGTON #12
(FOAMING AT THE MOUTH) Ricky Gervais releases a press release claiming that Flanimals is going to be made into a major Hollywood movie when it's clear to anyone with a degree of common sense that this was simply PR bullshit intended to big up his status! WHAT A CUNT! Hahaha! Hahahaha!

PILKINGTON #2 SLYLY KICKS PILKINGTON #12 OFF THE STAGE INTO THE ORCHESTRA PIT. HE CONTINUES TO BABBLE INCOHERENTLY ABOUT A FIRST-DRAFT SIMPSONS SCRIPT BUT NO-ONE LISTENS.

PILKINGTON #8
The point is, we demand the right not to care about stuff like this! Gervais is still massively popular so it can't possibly be important! (TO AUDIENCE) Eh lads?

THE AUDIENCE, WHO UP UNTIL NOW HAD ALMOST HAD THEIR EYES OPENED SLIGHTLY TO THE GERVAIS SITUATION SUDDENLY BREATHE A SIGH OF RELIEF AND START NODDING IN AGREEMENT.

SENSING THAT THE WIND IS CHANGING AND HE'S ON SAFE GROUND, CHRISTOPHER HITCHENS STEPS FORWARD AND ELECTS HIMSELF 'SPOKESPERSON' FOR THIS 'DISENFRANCHISED MAJORITY'.

HITCHENS
There! The "people" have spoken! Now please let's stop all this pathetic boat-rocking nonsense! By all means criticise Gervais for being a salesman twat, but at least have the decency to do so after it's become a consensus opinion, and not before! That way everyone can join in, not just the elders of this increasingly bitter site!

CHEERS FROM THE MITCHELL & WEBB TABLE - WHICH SPARKS OFF CHEERS FROM THE TIME TRUMPET TABLE - SOON THE ROOM IS FILLED WITH APPLAUSE.

ALL OF THE PILKINGTONS CROWD BEHIND HITCHENS, SHAKING THEIR FISTS

PILKINGTON #7
Look, all we ask is that we get to have one proper indignantly-positive discussion about Gervais' stuff, instead of this relentless stream of understanding-how-the-industry-works! Come on! Is that too much to ask for?

GENERAL MURMURS OF AGREEMENT

ROSS
Okay, well, I really thought we'd progressed past this level, but if you insist... we'll play it your way. As luck would have it, Ricky Gervais is waiting in the wings and is ready to unveil his latest work tonight, live on the show.

VARIOUS PILKINGTONS
Oooh! Oooh! Oooooh! Er, we mean, yeah? Really? Oh. That's nice. We're not fanboys. We just happened to like The Office, that's all.

ROSS
Sure, sure. Mr Ricky Gervais, ladies and gentlemen...

APPLAUSE

RICKY CLIMBS ONTO THE PODIUM, DROPS HIS TROUSERS AND UNLEASHES A REALLY QUITE PHENOMENAL TURD RIGHT IN FRONT OF THE GATHERED 'COUP'. IT LIES THERE, STEAMING SLIGHTLY.

ROSS
Thank you, Ricky. Now the earliest reviews have suggested that this defecation is 'pure genius' (Sam Wollaston); 'another hit' (Mark Lawson) and 'Utter bliss - Bravo, Ricky has laid a veritable golden egg' (Alison Graham).

Chortle meanwhile have just 'reported' that the turd is set to make cameos in Curb Your Enthusiasm and Futurama next year and that a major blockbuster Hollywood movie is set to be made of the accompanying piss. Meanwhile the Guiness Book Of Records is shortly to recognise it as the biggest dump ever undertaken on a parody of an annual comedy awards show. Basically, guys - it's an across-the-board hit. Just the sort of thing you adore.

So, take it away...

Ricky Gervais Does A Great Big Shit On The Studio Floor
Posted by Message
Pilkington #7 Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:35 pm    Post subject: Ricky Gervais...
Pretty good, I thought. Certainly quite watchable. Any new lump of faecal matter takes a bit of time to get going but I personally really enjoyed it.



Pilkington #9 Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:43 pm    Post subject: Ricky Gervais...
Some great bits, some not-so-great bits, but not bad at all really. The main curved mass of the stool took a bit of time to get used to but the trickle of piss which arrived half way through was a genuinely surprising moment and absolutely fantastic, IMHO.

I'll definitely be watching next week.



Pilkington #2 Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:56 pm    Post subject: Ricky Gervais...
Hmm, definitely a grower, I'd say. But that's no bad thing. The flies gathering to lay their eggs within the pleated folds of the outer curl were probably the best bit.

Definitely agree about the piss by the way - nobody could have predicted that!



Pilkington #8 Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 9:59 pm    Post subject: Ricky Gervais...
Absolutely sublime. Positively Swiftian in its satirical invective. Few other people in the industry today would be brave enough to tackle the whole notion of taking a dump in such a subtle way. I'm sure there'll be a lot of viewers who'll completely miss the point and insist he's just popping a squat for the sake of it. Well we know better, eh lads? Eh?

Please note, everyone, how we're bothering to discuss the pile of shit itself - pinpointing its highs and lows - rather than indulging in frankly tedious and irrelevant psychoanalysis about why Ricky Gervais would actually drop his pants and crap on the studio floor in the first place.

This is a much better way of going about things, I'm sure you'll agree.



Pilkington #7 Posted: Wed Dec 13, 2006 10:03 pm    Post subject: Ricky Gervais...
Pilkington #8 wrote:
This is a much better way of going about things, I'm sure you'll agree.

Agreed. Complete acceptance of what we're spoon-fed - even if it's cack - is so much better than all the usual "Gervais is a cunt" crap that litters up these pages.

That trickle of piss really was genius. Hope it's a regular item. Far too good to leave as a one-off, surely.



THE CaB LOGO SLOWLY BEGINS TO MORPH INTO THE 'CHORTLE' HEADER. OVER THE HORIZON WE SEE A MULTITUDE OF SHAUN OF THE DEAD EXTRAS APPROACHING WITH NEW ACCOUNTS, CHANTING "MY FAMILY ANYONE?", "DAWN FRENCH IS FAT, HA HA" AND "HRRN HRRN - BEN ELTON HAS NEVER BEEN FUNNY IMHO" IN DREADFUL MONOTONE. SMILEY EMOTES START SPROUTING HAPHAZARDLY ALL OVER THE PHP LIKE THOSE CACTUSES IN 'DOUGAL AND THE BLUE CAT'.

JUST AS CaB IS SET TO REVERT TO 'DEFAULT' STATUS, RENDERING IT NO DIFFERENT TO ANY OTHER DISCUSSION BOARD ON THE NET, A TINY VOICE SUDDENLY CUTS THROUGH FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM.

SMALL BOY
But... It's just a pile of shit?

AN AWFUL SILENCE. TIME SEEMS TO STAND STILL. NO-ONE KNOWS QUITE WHAT TO SAY.

THE SILENCE IS BROKEN, EVERYONE STARTS AGREEING. "HE'S RIGHT!", THEY SAY. "IT'S CRAP!", THEY SHOUT.

ROSS
Well! What a to-do! The revised reviews are coming in now, thick and fast. The Mirror's Jim Shelley says "I don't think anyone can be in any doubt that Ricky Gervais has produced a right stinker here..." - a volte-face so drastic that he's currently in a neck-brace from whiplash. Stephen Armstrong has decided to ignore comedy entirely from now on and write a horticultural column in the Glasgow Echo instead. BBC7's review programme Serious About Comedy has exploded in a ball of flame, completely destroying several episodes of After Henry and crippling the Big Toe Radio Show for life.

And, perhaps the ultimate insult, someone's just edited the turd's Wikipedia page to read "This is just crap" - and it took over a minute for someone to re-edit it. And the re-edited version also says "This is just crap", but in slightly bigger letters. And was written by Ricky Gervais himself.

ROSS
Anyway guys, do carry on with your 'indignantly-positive' review. I'm sure this sudden majority turnaround won't dampen your bouquets...

Ricky Gervais Does A Great Big Shit On The Studio Floor
Posted by Message

Ricky Gervais fans, there. They only sing when they're winning.

APPLAUSE

++ mY hErO NE1? - Ardal O'Hanlan, back to earth with a bump ++

Okay, time for the Most Disappointing Comedy and Most Disappointing Comedian. As you know, this award goes to people in comedy who've shown greatness in the past but have taken a wrong turning. The winners should surprise no-one.

Most Disappointing Comedy
Time Trumpet
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53% of the overall vote
"The problem with Time Trumpet is that the 'targets' aren't worth the bother. Celebrity Trash TV Culture is inherantly self-parodic. Those nostalgic retrospectives are frivolous, ephemeral and generally jokey, so why bother attacking them?
I think the jibes and the mockery in Time Trumpet were consequently pointless as they're hitting a soft target, sort of like firing soft toy missles at a plate of terminally jocular jelly.
It's just already-absurd telly exaggerated, based on 'What's next? Celebrity Vomit-o-Thon?'-type musings, which are easily thought up and aren't very clever. There's really nothing new to say about Modern TV Culture because most of it has it's tongue in it's cheek anyway. That's why Screenwipe fails for me as well - it feels like the mockers and the mocked are running around the same playground, jeering timidly because they don't want to get into trouble. Compare that to The Day Today's predominant target and you can see why that had a sharper edge."
- ffogems
"With even a truly dreadful comedy, interest is still maintained as you get more and more annoyed with the thing. Time Trumpet marks the first occasion a show has actually bored me shitless."
- Stephen Graham
"Given that Iannucci is responsible for some of my favourite comedy ever, I have to go for this. Despite the time and money spent on it, and the talent behind it, this never rose above the level of distinctly average - which makes it a disaster based on how good it could have been. The concept itself provides such scope and potential, a perfect platform for Iannucci to build his usually interesting comic ideas on to. What we actually ended up with was monkey rape. The release of TAIS on DVD only served to highlight what Iannucci is capable of, in comparison to what he actually delivered this year."
- JPA
RUNNERS UP:
Saxondale (18%)
Little Britain (13%)
The IT Crowd (13%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
Nathan Barley

Most Disappointing Comedian
Armando Iannucci
"I'm here at the Clare Short gaffe-ometer...
let's play Political Fooball!"
59% of the overall vote
"I ended up sitting next to Armando's legacy on the bus yesterday, it was not a pleasant nasal experience."
- Benevolent Despot
"Time Trumpet really was jaw-droppingly bad at times. Can we help arrange a campaign to try and ensure this doesn't get released on DVD?"
- Neil
"Most disappointing because Armando has, quite rightly, garnered a reputation for intelligent and funny comedy. This may have had a semblance of intelligence, but it certainly wasn't comedy."
- weekender
RUNNERS UP:
Rob Brydon (20%)
Sean Lock (20%)
PREVIOUS WINNER:
Chris Morris

There it is. A damned shame really. Even a fake Daily Mail-style Daily Mail controversy couldn't raise interest in this poor outing.

Sadly, Armando Iannucci couldn't be here tonight to accept this award in person as he's currently far too busy at the BBC producing a brand new trad BBC1 sitcom called Too Many Pies. As the title suggests it's set in a bakery and stars Ricky Grover as a genial boss who comes up with loads of great new ideas for pie fillings. So many in fact that he can't possibly oversee them all while maintaining any kind of quality control, and so they all end up tasting rather bland and unappetising.

And if that idea doesn't float your boat, no matter. Since Armando's also producing about thirty seven other shows simultaneously, at least one of them should turn out vaguely watchable.

Okay, back in a tick. If you press the the yellow button on your remote now you can switch over to Film Four and watch Jack & Sarah. It's quite good apparently.

INTRO
ARRIVALS
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